A/ T: I understand that some of you got a bit upset with Deeks and may have misunderstood his intentions. Yes, I believe that there is some darkness hiding behind his character, but I hope this next chapter will give you an insight of why he made that choice.
Once again thank you all, guests and loyal readers for reviewing. You always make so happy.
The fifteen hour flight back to LA was as expected, awfully quiet. Kensi was too damn proud to reach to Deeks for help, and he was too damn tired to offer help.
For the first time in his life, he didn't know what to do. Well, actually he knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn't entirely sure it was right and fair towards Kensi.
Those hours when he thought she was dead was the hardest period of his whole life. He had tasted despair and he had seen the darkness as he was forced to consider a future without her.
Back then, he had thought of how much precious time they had lost. Nearly four years gone wasted. He vowed he would make every minute count if Kensi was still alive.
His wish came true. They were given a second chance but now…now he was folding back once again.
He loved her, there was no doubt about that, but his mind kept reminding him of all the complications they could face.
Hetty for starters. He thought she was his ally. He thought she routed for them, but over these past few months he had some serious doubts about her true motives.
She had been cryptic, manipulative and always used those innuendos to prove them they didn't belong together.
Hetty may be the master of the universe, but lately she was just a human being who kept making mistakes at the expense of her own team.
If she hadn't split the team during the Sidorov case, he and Sam wouldn't had been captured and most importantly, he wouldn't have to face that dramatic experience.
Kensi loved speed, bikes, and mountain rides; he knew that if Hetty hadn't taken his bike away, Kensi wouldn't have been able to resist joining him for long rides during the weekends.
If Hetty hadn't sent her to Afghanistan, she wouldn't have lost 5 months of her life. Christmas, New Year's Eve, his birthday, Valentine's Day (he'll never admit it to her but he had bought a huge bear for her that day, just in case…), Callen's new girlfriend, Monty's official retirement from the force…. God she had missed everything. And if that wasn't enough, she had now lost at least 5 years of her memory too.
If Hetty had warned him about his brother, Max could have still been alive. In jail probably, but alive.
His anger was boiling up inside him and before he realized it, his hands were clenched into fists. He wanted to hit something. Unleash his wrath before it ate him slowly inside out.
Then again, maybe this was all his fault. Maybe Hetty sent here there as a punishment for upgrading their relationship to a higher level. But they never did anything. They never crossed the line. The fact that they spent the night together didn't necessarily mean that they actually….ended up together.
Though, they didn't deny it. Both of them wanted more, but both agreed to take it slow.
He remembered that night as if it was yesterday. Her intoxicating scent, her gentle touch, her soft lips, her racing heartbeat.
The moment they had walked into his apartment, he had captured her lips with his, and wrapped his arms around her pulling her as close as possible. It was a slow tender kiss at first, but it soon turned lustful, needy and hungry.
Before he knew it, his hands were grasping the back of her thighs lifting her up and pushing her hard against the wall. She didn't resist. On the contrary, she wrapped her legs around his waist pulling him close. Low moans of pleasure were filling to room as his hands began to explore parts of her body he had never dared to touch before. If Monty's whining hadn't interrupted them at that moment, who knows how far they would have gone. Well, let's be honest. He knew how far he was willing to go, so a part of him was glad they snapped out of their passionate trance.
It was official. There was no turning back. Their partnership had turned into a relationship. But instead of doing something they would later regret, they decided to just lay quietly on the couch.
Even though he prompted her to talk about their "thing" she turned him down every time. All she wanted was to feel his muscular body next to hers, his strong arms around her, his hot breath on her face. She never told him, but she felt safe at that moment. Like nothing could ever hurt her.
She did make him promise something though. That they would never let their relationship affect their jobs. Despite all, they still remained professionals who just happened to share a bed at the end of the day.
Boy did he break that promise. He could still feel the punch Kensi gave him after he failed to take that bloody shot.
Was that the turning point?
Was that the moment he realized he couldn't separate his mind from his heart? He tried, he really did. But unfortunately Talia's words still haunted his mind.
Of all the people he knew, no one had managed to find the balance between matters of the heart and the cost of this job.
Not Hetty, not Callen, not Sam…..not even Talia.
He hated to admit it, but she was right. Partners can't be lovers. When passion rules the mind, logic has no control over it.
Why did he let himself get sucked into this endless game? Probably, because he thought he was playing safe. Because he never thought a woman like Kensi could possibly fall in love with him.
But she did and God, so did he. He loved her more than anyone. Kensi never realized it, but she had complete control over him. He was always willing to do anything just for her sake; even kill and that's what scared him the most. The lengths he would dare to go just for her. That was why he had to let her go and this was the perfect opportunity.
Did he feel like betraying her trust? Lying to her? Certainly yes. But it was for the best. Deep in his mind, he was feeling like he was protecting her….from himself. All he had to do was convince her that they are just partners, nothing more.
Of course she would be pissed at him for playing her like that if her memory ever came back but again, it was for the best. It would be easier for her to push him away and draw her wall back up if she felt disappointed and betrayed by him. So, it's was a win, win situation.
He sighed and rested his head against the window taking one last glimpse at Kensi's still form. She hadn't moved or talked form the moment she boarded the plane and Deeks couldn't help but feel a bit worried. Every inch of his body wanted to hold her in his embrace but he fought the urge.
He knew the whole team was going to hate him for this, but he didn't care. He wasn't willing to give Hetty another excuse to break the up. If Afghanistan was her punishment for one night, who knows how much further she would dare to go.
No! He couldn't take that chance. He couldn't risk another reassignment. It washis job to protect Kensi. He is the only one who could keep her safe. No one else could.
If he had to sacrifice their personal relationship, then so be it. As long as it was in his hands Kensi would remain his partner and only his partner.
He wasn't ready to lose her from his life. He survived four years in the partner/friend zone. He could survive another one hundred as long as her smile would brighten his mornings every day at the office.
She heard him. She heard every single word he uttered and they all hurt like hell. Deeks was her only hope. He was the man with the answers. He was supposed to help her get her memories back. But he chose to abandon her.
Ever since Jack informed her about him, she was looking forward to meeting him again and seeing him under a different spot light. Her heart fluttered like a school girl in love when she walked by him in the airplane, but he didn't even look at her. He didn't even flinch. His eyes were only focused on the window he was staring out of.
Not a glimpse?
Not a single word?
Why?
And then she heard him. He wanted nothing to do with her. From what she understood their relationship was doomed from the very beginning, though the least Deeks could do was fight for them. Fight to make it work.
But he gave up on her so easily.
It shouldn't be hurting that much. After all, she barely knew the guy. Somehow though, her heart seemed to know him all too well.
Ever since she woke up, she was scared. But now…she was petrified. She was going back to a life she didn't know with no one by her side. Yes, she was never good at asking for help, but now she needed it more than ever.
She needed a person she could trust. A person who knew her better than she knew herself.
She had thought that person was Deeks, but he failed her miserably. She felt like a fool. Glooming over a guy she didn't even know? That was so not her.
He didn't want her to remember? Fine? She didn't want to remember him either. You can't miss something you never had, and as far as she knew, she never had Deeks. She didn't recall anything about him, and that was fine. It made her decision ever easier.
Only problem was, she would have to work with him eventually. She could always ask for another partner but Deeks seemed like family to both Callen and Sam. The way they treated him, was unlike anything she had seen out of them. He was their brother and she couldn't possibly break them apart.
Then again, what if she never came back to work? Being an Agent used to feel her with a sense of completion. She lived for that adrenaline rush, but she wasn't sure anymore. She couldn't go back to work unless she found herself first.
She kept looking outside the window, fighting to hold back her tears. Fighting to drown her sobs so that no one will listen to her break. Despite all, she was still bad ass Kensi Blye and she was determined to win this fight.