Not As Easy
"April? April, how do I do this again?" Punk called, standing in Keala's nursery at the changing table where she was lying on waiting for her diaper to be changed. Punk was having some difficulties.
"What is it?" AJ asked tiredly, walking into the nursery where she saw him standing puzzled by the changing table. They'd only been home for a week and although Keala was a good baby, and let them have fairly decent sleeps, she wasn't prepared for how tired the early stages of motherhood would make her.
"Her diaper… is it back to front?" Punk tilted his head, trying to figure it out as AJ walked over to him and looked on at Keala who was laying quite happily, despite her father's attempts to give her a clean diaper.
"Yeah, and it's upside down." She smiled up to her boyfriend who folded his arms like a kid, "Think of it like an envelope." She said, turning the diaper around the right away, "Seal it here and here." She said as Punk watched closely, "There you go." She smiled, looking down at Keala. It was impossible not to smile when looking at her, "Daddy just needs a few more lessons, baby. He'll get there." AJ smiled, leaning over and kissing Keala's cheek as Punk just rolled his eyes.
"Who knew they'd be so difficult to put on?" Punk shook his head, tidying up the nursery whilst AJ lifted up Keala into her arms as the newborn rested into her chest.
"Have you got a onesie out?" She asked him.
"Yeah, here." Punk pointed to the little white onesie sitting on the changing table as AJ nodded. Their life had turned into diapers, onesies, bottles and spit-ups all in the matter of a few days. The good thing was, they were both learning together as new parents, and Keala was really taking it easy on them. She looked completely chilled out for most of the time. Dean had nicknamed her the chiller. Anytime he came to visit, which had been frequently these past few days, she was always either sleeping or just casually resting in her mother or father's arms looking around.
"Liz is coming around today. She said she has a gift for her." AJ said, placing Keala back down on the changing table to get her onesie on her. It was still all very surreal having their baby girl home with them, and trying to adapt to life with her. They'd been so used to it just being the two of them for such a long time, that it really was a big change to have someone else in their small family now.
"I didn't know so many people visited you when you had a baby." Punk admitted. They'd had such great support from people in their lives who were close to them. Dean of course being number one on the list. Anna had always came by to congratulate them and give them a gift from her. Collette came to visit as had a few guys from Punk's work.
"People are just being nice." AJ said, "And Liz has been good to me over the years." AJ nodded.
"Yeah, I know." Punk nodded, watching as AJ lifted Keala back up. Sometimes he just couldn't stop staring at her. She was just so perfect.
"I'm trying to figure out if I have time for a nap." AJ laughed a little, walking back into their bedroom as Punk followed.
Punk could see how tired his girlfriend was, and he really didn't want to see her get overtired or stressed, because he knew as did she, that she was vulnerable to more depressive and manic cycles after having Keala.
"Hey, you go for a nap." Punk nodded, "I'll take her down. If Liz comes and you're still sleeping I'm sure she'll understand." He said.
"Oh, no. That's really rude. You need to wake me up." AJ nodded, passing Keala to her father as Punk cradled her into his arms.
"Ok, then. I'll wake you." He nodded as AJ smiled, running her hands over her hair. She was feeling very post baby tired, and was also trying to make sure that she didn't find herself in a depressive or manic cycle. She wanted the first few weeks of her daughter's life to be special. She didn't want to miss any of it. But sleep was a priority.
"Ok." AJ nodded, laying down on the bed, "I just need to rest my eyes." She told him, closing her eyes over as he smiled and nodded.
"Ok, then you rest them good." He said, "We'll be downstairs." He said as she was already falling asleep.
He left the bedroom and headed downstairs with Keala, noticing the card which had been put through their door, "Who knew so many people liked us?" Punk spoke to Keala, crouching down and picking the card up, walking on into the living room, placing her down in the little basket they had for her at the side of the couch where she could fall asleep in. Sometimes Punk just liked to sit and watch her the entire time.
"Who do we think this is from?" Punk asked her, sitting down on the couch and opening up the card as he was pleased to see it was from Michael, the detective whom helped free him from prison. It was a thoughtful thing to do and it made Punk smile, "That was nice." He said to himself whilst walking over to the mantel and sitting the card next to the few others.
AJ woke up later that night, having slept right through. She woke up and barely knew what time it was, looking around the dark room and sitting up. She felt like the room was spinning and had the worst headache ever.
She got up from the bed and headed downstairs, walking into the living room where Punk was sat on the couch with Keala sleeping in her little basket beside.
"Oh, hey." Punk smiled once noticing her come through the living room.
"Hi." AJ said, "Is… Is Liz on her way?" She wondered as Punk looked across at her, watching as she took a seat on the couch.
"Uh… she's already been." Punk said, "She didn't want me to take you and I didn't want to wake you either. You need your sleep." He said.
"I told you to wake me." AJ shook her head angrily, "She's going to think I'm so rude."
"No, of course she doesn't." Punk said, "She couldn't stay long anyway. She just dropped off the gift, had a little hold of Keala and then left." He said.
"I told you to wake me." AJ repeated angrily as Punk looked across at her.
"Yeah well I think you needed your sleep more." Punk said as AJ ran her hands through her hair and sat back on the couch, "Are you ok?" He asked her curiously. He knew when she was off.
"Fine." AJ nodded, scratching her arms and fidgeting around with her hands, irritated, as Punk watched her.
"Are you hungry?" He asked her.
"No." AJ shook her head, looking around the living room, noticing the new card which wasn't there before, "Who is this from?" She asked, walking over and taking the card from the mantel, "Michael?" She turned to Punk, "Who is that?" She asked fast paced as Punk gulped and rubbed his forehead.
"Michael… from Florida. The detective." Punk told her, "Nice, right?"
"Strange." AJ shook her head, putting the card back down and walking back over to the couch, sitting down and then standing right back up as Punk watched her, "Is she ok?" She asked, looking over Keala who was fast asleep.
"Yeah, I was just gonna put her in her crib. She's had her bottle." He said as AJ nodded.
"Ok." AJ said, walking back over to the couch and sitting down.
"You ok?" He asked her softly, "It's ok, if you're not." He assured her as she just nodded and gulped.
"Mhm. I'm fine." AJ nodded repeatedly. She forgot that he knew her, maybe better than she knew herself, and sometimes it was hard to pretend she was ok when her illness made its presence known.
"Ok, I'm gonna go put her down." Punk told her. He knew better than to keep asking her if she was ok, once or twice was enough, but he already knew that she wasn't her normal self.
He scooped up Keala from the little basket and took her upstairs whilst AJ sat on the couch, a lump forming in her throat as she felt tears welling in her eyes. Tears from the frustration that she couldn't have this precious moment of enjoying her daughter's first few days at home because she felt herself going into a depressive episode.
By the time Punk had come downstairs, she was full on crying on the couch where he immediately sat down beside her and gave her his shoulder to cry on, wrapping his arm around her as she let her tears smudge on his t-shirt.
The next day, the doctor was coming to the house to visit, not just for AJ but also to check up on Keala to make sure everything was as it was supposed to be. After getting upset last night, AJ fell asleep with Punk on the couch. She struggled to get herself up in the morning, but knew the doctor was coming around so forced herself into the shower.
"Can I get you anything?" Punk asked the doctor as he let her into the house.
"Oh, no I'm alright." She smiled as Punk nodded, walking her into the living room where AJ was sitting on the couch with Keala, holding her in her arms after feeding her and burping her, "This must be Keala?" She smiled, her name Joan, sitting down on the couch beside AJ.
"Yeah." AJ nodded as Punk watched her. He hated to see AJ this way, but he was lucky that he knew her and knew what was best for her when she was going through rough times like this. However, they'd never had a baby in the past.
"She's beautiful." Joan smiled, taking her coat off and sitting it down beside her whilst Punk sat over on the opposite couch.
Joan gave Keala a little examination and asked AJ and Punk some questions about her. There wasn't a doubt that Keala was healthy and happy and Joan could see that. She then moved onto AJ whilst Punk took Keala over into his arms.
"April, I'm gonna ask you some questions, I just want you to answer yes, no or sometimes to them, ok?" Joan smiled as AJ nodded. She'd not really said much for the entire visit, she would look to Punk for guidance to answer some of the questions, which made her feel even more stupid and helpless.
"Ok" AJ nodded.
"Ok." Joan smiled, "Have you been able to laugh and see the funny side of things?" She asked as AJ turned back to Punk, "Just tell me what you think, April." Joan nodded as AJ turned back to her.
"Sometimes." AJ answered.
"Do you look forward to the enjoyment of things?" Joan asked.
"No." AJ said, answering truthfully, answering with how she felt right at this very moment.
"Do you blame yourself unnecessarily for things that aren't your fault?" Joan asked.
"Yeah." AJ nodded, looking down.
"Have you been anxious or worried for no particular reason?" Joan asked her.
"Yes." AJ nodded whilst Punk sat over listening in sadly, cradling Keala in his arms. He really hated to see AJ this way and know how down she was feeling. They'd talk to many doctors about her illness through her pregnancy, and they had all said it could be a weakness more so after the baby was born. He was just glad that he was familiar with how to help her and what was best for her. There wasn't a doubt that they wouldn't get through it.
The questions continued on where AJ answered truthfully and honestly.
"Have you felt unhappy that you've been crying?" Joan asked.
"Yeah." AJ nodded.
"Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself?" Joan asked her.
"Sometimes." AJ whispered.
"Have you had any thoughts of harming Keala?" Joan asked.
"No." AJ said firmly, one answer that she was most definitely sure about.
"Ok." Joan nodded and smiled, "April I think you have some post-natal depression, which you might even confuse for just a depressive cycle through your bipolar disorder." She said, "Let me be the first to tell you, a whole lot of mother's, especially first time mom's, experience post-natal depression, so there is nothing to feel embarrassed about it." She assured her, "You're on your medication again, aren't you?" She asked whilst looking at AJ's medical reports.
"Yeah." AJ nodded.
"Ok, well they'll start to kick in." Joan nodded, "Have you had trouble bonding with Keala?" She asked.
"No, not really." AJ said as Joan nodded.
"Ok, well the main thing is that you know this is normal, and you'll feel back to yourself soon. It's not easy with a new baby, but Keala is doing great, and I can she's got a very loving home here." She smiled as AJ nodded, "I'll be back next week. For now it's about what's best for you, finding a routine of some sort that works for both of you, making sure you're getting plenty of rest, and you're getting plenty of nutrition. No skipping meals." She nodded, "You see a therapist, is that right?"
"Yeah, I do." AJ nodded, "Not at the minute, I guess."
"Maybe it'd be ideal to seek some therapy with her." Joan nodded, "Your medication should kick in and these feelings you have, they won't last forever." She said as AJ nodded, "I'm going to leave my on call number here." She said, taking her card out, looking over at Punk specifically as she placed it down on the coffee table, "Anything at all, any worries or concern, call me." She said, "You're not alone." She assured her as AJ nodded and forced a smile, "I'll let myself out." She nodded, standing up and putting her coat on as Punk insisted walking her out of the house whilst AJ sat on the couch fidgeting with her hands.
Punk returned back to the living room, sitting down beside AJ with Keala in his arms as she sighed and turned to him.
"I'm sorry." She shook her head.
"What? For what?" Punk said as she cupped the back of Keala's head, looking down at the baby girl.
"For not making this all that enjoyable." She said, "It's not fair on you."
"April, don't do that." Punk said, "We're in this together and we'll get through whatever you're going through together. You heard the doctor, lots of mom's experience this. It's common." He said, "It's not gonna last forever, we'll do whatever we need to do to help you through this." He said, kissing her head as she nodded and sighed, "And you know you can always talk to me, about anything… even if you think it might upset me." He said as she nodded.
"I know." AJ nodded and sighed, resting her head on his shoulder whilst looking down at Keala as the baby girl slept. He'd always been there for her at her lowest. No one could be there for her like he was.
"I'm just saying… our defence strategies were terrible." Punk said, walking down the sidewalk with Dean after coming home from the hawks game they'd gone to, "We weren't as sharp as last week." He shook his head.
"Well you know what they're like, up and down." Dean shrugged, "Hey, I'm gonna go across to the store for some things, you need anything?" He asked him as they reached their apartment block.
"No, I'm good. AJ is probably up to her neck in work. We'll probably order a pizza." He shrugged.
"Ok, man. I won't be long." Dean said, running across the road to the little twenty-four hour store as Punk headed into the apartment block, climbing the stairs to their floor and walking on into the apartment. AJ had just gone into her first year of law school and he knew that some nights it was quick and easy for them to order in or make something quick. He admired how dedicated she was to her studies. It was an ethic he wished he had.
He walked into the apartment, throwing down his keys and groaning tiredly, "Ape?" He called, walking through the apartment and into their bedroom once he saw she wasn't in the living room or kitchen, "April, you here?" He called out. He couldn't remember her telling him she was going anywhere, in fact, when he left he was sure she said she would see him when he got home.
He walked back into the living room, standing in the centre and looking around where he saw some of her work sitting on the coffee table, turning his head as he looked at the bathroom door which was half opened.
"April?" He said casually, "You ignoring me?" He laughed to himself, walking on into the bathroom, not being able to budge the door as he felt something heavy behind it, pushing it a little further when what he saw made his stomach sink, feeling like it almost hit the floor.
"A-April." Punk gulped, pushing the door open as it banged back against the wall, crouching down where she was lying on the cold floor, a tub of pills which were full before, completely empty with the cap lying off beside her, "April." Punk shook her, trying to comprehend what he was actually seeing. He knew he had no time to sit in shock.
He slammed the toilet lid up and lifted her up, "C'mon, you're not doing this to me." Punk shook his head, watching as her eyes rolled back and forth, crouching down behind her, holding her up as he stuck his fingers down her throat, desperate for her to throw up, never being so desperate in his life before, "C'mon." Punk begged, his hands shaking, hitting the back of her throat as he heard her choke, removing his fingers as she threw up a little over the toilet, "Ok, alright." Punk nodded, grabbing a cloth as she tried to push him away, her eyes half closed, her body weak and limp, "No, you're not going anywhere." He told her, "You gotta throw them all up." He said, sticking his fingers back down her throat as she threw up a little again, but he knew that they were still in her system and that she wasn't going to throw them all up.
He then heard Dean walk into the apartment, calling on him as he walked to the bathroom where all the noise was coming from.
"What the hell-" Dean paused at the bathroom door, shaking his head.
"Call… Call an ambulance." Punk nodded frantically, trying to continue to make AJ throw up the pills, holding her up as Dean froze, looking on at the empty tub of pills, watching as AJ came in and out of consciousness.
"Oh my God." Dean shook his head.
"Do it now!" Punk yelled desperately as Dean nodded, taking his phone out and calling 911 whilst Punk stayed with AJ, "It's ok. You're gonna be alright. Just stay with me." He nodded desperately, repeating it over and over again.