Chapter 48
He was not who he had been, he was not who he had been, he was not who he had been…
Jack was in a tizz and had been ever since before Steve's arrival but now he felt as if it was building up on him – the pressure of his life.
The pressure to find a job, the pressure to be a dad, the pressure to be a husband and the ever-present ghost of his past looming over him telling him he had to be a better man if he was ever going to be able to have a future.
The funny thing was, that the only time he found he did not think about it was when he had Jen by his side.
He was sure when the two of them were together he was a better man and he was so just by breathing. Just by being there and being her husband.
Jen's judgement of him was the standard to which he held himself by, but he knew he was a liar if he did not say he held himself up to the judgement of his big brother as well.
There was a time when he would never have said that Steve Johnson was a better man than he was. There was a time when he had thought he was nothing more than a dirty street thug and when that was all he was, he had not been able to imagine how he could hold himself up to Jack Deveraux and not find himself wanting… but when he had been a young man he had got a lot of things wrong and now he was older, all he could do was look back and cringe and be grateful those days and so much more were behind him.
Just at that moment however it felt to him as if they were looming large.
He thought of Kayla and Stephanie and Jen and Abigail and Sophie and all which had gone on of late...
To the reason why they had had to come back to Salem to the reason why his brother had been standing on the doorsteps of the old Horton house that day furious at him.
The one reason he could come up with was Grayson and what he had done and the fact was. because of what Grayson had done. Jack did not think that man deserved to live.
Yet the fact of the matter was at some point in his history there would have been people in his life who had felt just the same about him and he was not sure if he was able to accept that.
In fact, he was sure he could not.
What he needed more than anything right then he thought to himself was a bit of a walk and fresh air.
He headed for the door.
He was now even sure if he would come back right then for there was a feeling of utter unworthiness in him.
These days, a voice in his head said he was a better man and he was able to regret what had been before and let himself get on and forget… until he was reminded of just who he was.
And who he was still in his brother's mind, he thought, and he did not know how he was ever going to get that out of there and he did want to, for Steve's mattered to him and his opinion mattered to him, and it always would.
Always.
Thus he was not there when Jen go home…
"Jack!" Jen called to her husband and was a little unsettled when she got no reply.
Having Jack back in her life had been a joy but as he ever had been to her ever since they were young, he had been a worry to her just as she knew Steve had been to Kayla.
That was something which you accepted you were going to have to live with when you fell for a Johnson.
When she had become the mother of his kids, she was sure she had got a sixth sense for she always had a feeling when JJ or Abi was in trouble. And they needed her she knew.
What she had not expected though was for as time had gone on she had begun to get the same feeling about their father.
But now she did – and when he did not pick up his cell phone, she felt it even more.
X x x
What with Sophie's arrival, it had already been quite a night at the Johnson's flat before Adrienne knocked on the door.
But when she did so though, it was earnestly for she needed Steve after the call she had just got from Jen.
She could not sit and wait, for though she did not want there to be anything badly wrong with Jack, in her heart she knew he was a having what her old headmistress would have called a dark night of the soul. She had known it for a while now.
He wasn't coping and if he was not then it was her and their brother who had to bring him back.
"Steve!" she called as she banged on the door.
He had to get his butt out here now.
"Baby, did you want to take the door off of its hinges?" asked Steve as the two of them came face to face but she was in no mood for jokes and she did not have the time for them anyway.
As for him, he could not help but wish she was not feeling as serious as he could see she was. It had been quite the night in their apartment what with Sophie's arrival and there had been a lot of feelings which had been brought up for better or worse.
A little break from that would have been welcomed.
"Do you know where Jack is?" she asked.
Steve shook his head but he felt the dull panic.
It was clearly catching from Adrienne. All the anger which he had felt before melted away.
If Jack was in trouble none of it mattered.
"Damn," she said as she ran a hand through her hair.
"What's wrong?"
"You know you are going to think this sounds crazy but I do not know. But I got a call from Jen and she thinks Jack has been off for a while and now she has no idea where she is."
Even to Steve that did not sound good.
"When was the last time someone saw him?"
"This morning – Jen said Jack got in late last night though, and she barely had a chance to speak to him."
If it was any other man, then Jen might be worried about cheating but this was Jack and they all knew how devoted he was to her and the kids.
He was not going to be so stupid of that Steve was sure.
"He came to the flat the other week and he seemed as if he was out of sorts," Adrienne said.
She had not told Steve at the time as she was sure it was going to blow over and whatever it was it was going to sort itself out, as she did not think it was a lie to say everyone had down days.
He had just needed a bit of peace.
But now she wished she had.
"He just held the baby and wanted some peace and he wasn't himself," she sighed.
By this time Steve was getting his coat on.
"Do we know where he may have gone?" he asked but he was almost expecting it when his sister shook his head.
"No."
"Kayla baby I am going to have to out for a while," he called and she came to the door frame.
"Adrienne, are you ok?" asked her sister in law.
"I am but I am a bit worried about Jack – we're just going to go and look for him."
On hearing that Jack was missing Kayla nodded. If they did not have a guest and Joey and Steph to think of them nothing was going to stop her from going with them to look.
"You are going to call me as soon as you get any news?" she checked before Steve went out of the door.
He nodded, kissed his daughter and then headed out with his sister.
"Who has the baby at the moment?"
"Justin does so the only thing the two of us need to worry about is our brother," Adrienne explained.
Steve nodded.
They were good at that.
x x x
it took a good forty minutes for them to find Jack which was longer than either of his siblings would have liked for it to take.
They went to the town square and to the church. They went down to the beach and it was only when they headed to the pair that they had any joy.
"There he is," said Jen as Jack came into view.
He was clearly in distress but she was sure she could handle that. As long as they knew where he was it was all going to be ok.
They could help him.
Steve and Adrienne wasted no time running on to the Pier, yet Steve felt himself go a little cold as he realised why his brother had come here.
In another lifetime not so long ago, this was where the reporter had taken those photos which had infuriated Jack to such a degree that he had done something which had changed their lives forever and set him on the track to this place.
He seemed hazy and overstretched – as if he had suffered in silence for too long.
When they had been away and it had been all boys together. He had been able to watch his brother and see that no matter what went on that the PTSD did not get to him too much.
That he took off any emotional backpacks before they got too much to bear.
But what with everything going on, he had not had there to notice and he had dropped the ball with his young brother.
Something which made him fell now ashamed.
He looked lost.
And he knew he had been the one to send him out into the wilderness with the words he had said. He knew he had compounded everything Jack felt with his cruelty and thoughtlessness.
There had been no need for to say what he had and now he felt guilty for his spite.
He swore right then he was never going to show such malicious towards him again.
"Jack – it's the middle of January, you're going to catch your death." He said as he made his way over to him.
His brother had not even had the sense to wear a coat.
"It's all my fault."
"Your death will be your fault now come on stop mucking around."
If the two of them got emotional over this out here he did not know how much good he was going to be to him – he had to keep this light.
But Jacks mood as not light.
"It all comes back to me."
"What does honey?" Jen asked.
Steve wished she would leave it to him right then but she knew for very obvious reasons that was not going to happen.
"Kayla – this case, all of it. I started all this off when we were young."
Steve felt a wave of emotion come over him and he was not sure whether he was ever going to be able to name them or understand them all.
First of all, he pitied his brother.
Yes, he had done what he had done but it was a whole lifetime ago and he had never done it since. He had changed and he had grown and he had done what he could to make amends and he had managed to build a life for himself.
Steve looked at Jen for a moment and let his attitude change to be glad she was there with him.
If anyone symbolized all the good and the change and the growing Jack had done then it was the women who had saved him in so many ways.
But then there was still the anger.
Even though he knew this was not self-pity – there was a bit of him which wanted to yell at Jack, tell him not to be so selfish.
Then he thought of the way that he had helped Stephanie and all he had done for him over the years.
Then he boiled it down to what had always mattered to him deep down.
Jack being that baby who their mother had cradled in her arms and called her Billy Jack.
He was his baby brother.
"Jack what happened back then was down to you but none of this is," Adrienne took the lead.
She had always been the one who had hated to see him pull himself apart.
"But if I had not done what I had done then she would not have had to go through this twice – if I had not done what I had done then none of us would have lost so much time."
And time was the one thing in the world there was never a chance to get back.
And over the years he had taken time from Jen and from the Kids and from Steve and Adrienne too and he did not know what kind of a man did that.
He put his face in his hands and he knew what his brother said was true.
It was cold and he could chance his death out here.
Then he would go to Harper and Duke and be the son they deserved in hell.
But then something warm was over him.
A leather jacket.
"Us losing time was not down to you, Jack," sighed Adrienne.
Some of it was but there had been so many factors over the years that to just blame that on one of them would be criminal.
"But Kayla –"
"Kayla is dealing with all this," Steve said as he took an air of authority with his brother.
He was the expert on all things Kayla in Jack's mind and if he had to play that card right then he was more than glad too.
"She is going to be fine…"
And if he had anything too with it then she was going to carry on being fine and his brother was going to be fine. They were all going to survive this.
Of course, there was some truth to what Jack had said for if he had not done what he had all those years ago then Kayla would be facing this all for the first time and not the second, but there was no going back and there was no changing the past.
The future could be changed though.
Steve grabbed Jack's shoulders and gently begun to point him towards his wife and his sister.
They were the two of women who loved him most in the world.
And then came to view the two people, Jack loved most in the world.
Clearly one of the others had called the kids and whether they had been told to come down or defied orders not too, Steve neither knew nor cared.
Yes, JJ and Abi were his brother's kids but neither of them was young and more.
It was not as if they were his Joey's age.
He was sure their dad was not going to want to them to see the state he was in just then but there was not a whole lot they could do about that. They were there, and they were there for their dad as his siblings were and as their mother was. And they were not going anywhere.
"This is all my fault," JJ said as he looked up at his father.
He had been the one who had rejected him and made him aware of all the things which he would rather forget.
There was a cruel part of Abi which wanted to blame someone for all of this and to tell her brother it was indeed down to him.
But there had been enough blame in their family.
"This is no one fault JJ – and there has been enough self-blame in this family to last a lifetime."
"Dad…" she said as she went over to him. Everyone else but Steve had been giving him a bit of space but it seemed to her as if he needed them close.
"Abi? Abigail, I am so sorry."
"You're fine dad… you've nothing to be sorry for."
"But I have done so much wrong to all of you."
She blinked taken aback. "Dad you saved my life in that lift."
Jennifer felt a weight lift off of her at that moment and she gave thanks for their daughter. There she had been struggling with how she was ever going to be able to help Jack with all of this, how she was ever going to get through to him and their baby girl… she just got on and did it.
He did not need to be told he had not let them down. What he had needed were solid examples of when he had been there for them without a doubt.
And there was no better time when he had been there for them than that moment when he had literally
"If it was not for you, I would not be here. You're my dad and my hero and I love you. And no matter what wrong you have done in the past and who is suffering now this family needs you."
She was not sure he was going to do anything stupid that day but if he needed a reason to stay alive then she was going to give it to him.
He touched her face for a moment as if he was figuring she was real. And then he nodded.
Jen felt the weight which had been closing in on her life.
he was going to get through this, they were going to get through this as they had done all the rest.
"Come on darling," she said as she went over to him, Abigail and Steve. Together with Adrienne and JJ, the family walked off the pier and away from the past.
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