A/N: I thought it might be helpful to show Hotch's emotions as he struggles with what has happened to him, and with the knowledge the rapist wants to attack him again. This will take place here, and maybe in one or two more chapters. Not sure yet. Also, this chapter was difficult to write because it involved some heavy writing. Also, I used portions of some of my talk therapy sessions with my own shrink in this chapter.

Chapter 39

An hour after Rossi had left for the BAU, Hotch lay in bed on his back, nervously staring at the ceiling. He ignored the stares being given by the two agents inside his room posted on opposite sides of the door. Hell, if he was honest with himself, it wasn't nerves. It was absolute terror. He couldn't rid his mind of the knowledge that the rapist wanted to assault him again. He hadn't even dealt with being raped and sodomized yet. Right now, he wished Rossi were still here with him if just for the company. Because despite having two guards inside his room, and two more outside, Hotch was never more alone than now.

(Flashback-Earlier in the Day):

Rossi gripped his best friend's shoulder and squeezed it gently so as not to further injure him. His words had terrified the younger man, and he was sorry for that. But to him, it was better for Hotch to be made aware of the danger he was still in from his assailant.

"Aaron, I need you to calm down before the doctor comes back in here. And the last thing we need is for you to be sedated again."

Hotch massaged his forehead trying to get a grip on his rampaging emotions. "Dave, I'm trying. I really am. But I am terrified that man is going to get to me again."

"We're not gonna let that happen. I promise you. He will never touch you again."

"I can still feel his hands touching me everywhere." Hotch swallowed the building lump in his throat. "When I close my eyes, I feel his body on top of mine, pushing himself inside me, not caring how much it hurt." He faced Rossi with moist eyes. "Dave, I can't handle that happening to me again. I swear I will kill myself if that man does that to me again. Don't let him do that to me again. I won't survive this time."

Rossi clung tightly to his friend's hand and refused to let go. He stared at Hotch with his own passionate eyes that demanded attention. "You listen to me, Aaron Hotchner, and you listen well. Nobody is gonna hurt you like that ever again. I promise you on my son's grave. He will never hurt you like that again."

"Can you promise that, Dave? Can you promise me without a doubt that it will never happen again? Can you, Dave?"

"Aaron, I swear on all I hold dear, you will never suffer that pain again."

Hotch studied his friend's face looking for signs of doubt and uncertainty, but instead, what he noticed was caring.

"Y'know, despite how terrified I am at the prospect of that man touching me, forcing himself on me again, and causing me unbearable pain, I believe you."

Rossi offered a small smile. "Y'know, Aaron, maybe you should discuss this with Doctor Carson when you meet with her next time."

Hotch diverted his eyes from Rossi's face. He had only met with the woman twice, and he hadn't yet discussed the rape and sodomy. Not that he was a prude, but it was too embarrassing for him to discuss. Somehow he had convinced himself she would consider him weak. A weak man who allowed himself to be raped and sodomized.

"Maybe," Hotch replied unenthusiastically still averting Dave's eyes.

"I know what you're thinking, Aaron. That she'll find you weak and inadequate. But only you find yourself that way. Concealing it from your doctor isn't helping you."

"A real man wouldn't let himself be used sexually by another man."

"Hotch, you were given a date-rape drug without your knowledge. And once incapacitated, you were assaulted. You did not allow it to happen. You were unable to defend yourself against your attacker. That doesn't make you weak by any means. What can I say to convince you otherwise?"

Hotch didn't respond. But Rossi could tell he was listening to him.

"Aaron, I promise you nobody thinks you are weak, or that you allowed this to happen. Nobody. Not Jack, not Jessica, not the team, and not anybody who knows you. And those who don't know you, it doesn't matter. You have to believe me with this."

"I do. It's just that…" Hotch's lower lip quivered. "My babysitters have a fairly different opinion of me. And don't tell me you haven't heard the whispers about me."

"I have. And in my opinion, those whispers are based on nothing more than the twisted thoughts of one Jason Hemminger. He is using what happened to you for his own vengeful purposes. He wants to turn people against you. It's part of his plan to humiliate and embarrass you. The Aaron Hotchner I know and love would never care what somebody else thinks about him."

Hotch's eyes met those of his best friend this time. He saw the pain and empathy in them. There was also something else. And that something else made the corners of his mouth curl upward slightly.

"Dave, I need you to do something for me."

"What do you need?"

"I need you to get in touch with Doctor Carson for me. Tell her I need to talk with her as soon as she can come to my room."

"What do you want me to say if she asks why?"

"Just tell her it's important that I speak with her as-soon-as-possible."

"Care to tell an old man what changed your mind?"

"I saw the love you have for me in your eyes. It reminded me of Jack. How can I let you and Jack down when I see the love in your faces?"

"That's my boy," Rossi replied with a wide grin.

Aaron Hotchner refused to go down without a fight. And Rossi was determined to stand by his side all the way.

(End of Flashback)

It's too bad things don't always go the way they're originally scheduled to go.

True to his word, Rossi contacted both Doctors Carson and Maurer. As Carson couldn't meet with Aaron until later that afternoon, Maurer arranged for Doctor Correa to examine Hotch since Rossi was already with his friend. And although Aaron was tense and anxious throughout the exam, especially when touching his anal area, he got through the exam with minimal problems thanks to Rossi's presence. Rossi also reminded Aaron of his promise to talk openly with his therapist.

After the exam was completed, Rossi apologized to Hotch for having to leave as he was needed at the BAU, but promised he would visit his friend again soon. Now alone, Hotch tried to ignore the guards who returned to his room. He sensed they were staring at him even though he wasn't noticing them. But he was sure the whispers were loud enough for his ears on purpose.

(Flashback-Recall of First Meeting):

Hotch now wasn't sure he could keep his promise to Rossi. And that was even with the older man's threat to keep his son from him until he got help. To expose himself to strangers, and lay himself bare, was not something he was willing to do despite the threat. But Hotch had to wonder how Rossi knew he hadn't talked about it yet anyway. The man must have spies throughout the hospital, Aaron grumbled. Still, he convinced himself the reason he hadn't talked yet was because he hadn't felt comfortable with Doctor Carson. And certainly not comfortable enough to speak about something so personal and private with her. He never said much in his second appointment either despite the doctor trying to get him to talk even a little. When it came down to it, he was just too embarrassed. In his line of work, he was aware men were raped as well as women. But there was something about himself being a victim that made it seem different. The only things he recalled was what he had profiled about her so far. She was a woman somewhere in her early forties and extremely attractive. Her ivory skin was flawless. She had straight jet black hair, and the brightest blue eyes he had ever seen except for JJ's.

But what the Unit Chief didn't figure out, was that Rossi had spoken with Doctor Maurer about a therapist for Hotch. He wanted someone who was a 'no nonsense' person. Someone who would be a perfect match for Hotch who was, without a doubt, the most stubborn man he knew. The doctor didn't hesitate, and recommended Amanda Carson. Rossi was told she had over twelve years of experience working with patients suffering from severe traumas of all kinds, and had a 98% success rate.

Rossi didn't hide his excitement hearing about this woman, and hoped Hotch was able to get an appointment with her. He was delighted when Maurer, after checking, informed him he had arranged an appointment for Aaron with the psychiatrist. Now, all Rossi needed to do was convince Hotch to speak with her professionally. And that was not going to be easy. But Rossi had a plan by which to make sure Hotch would keep his promise. The agent's weak spot was his son. And if necessary, Rossi would use Jack to make sure Hotch got the help he desperately needed, but wouldn't admit to needing.

(End of Flashback)

Hotch continued to stare at the ceiling when the door of his room opened, and a pretty young nurse brought in a wheelchair. She brought it to a halt beside his bed, and assisted the injured agent to slowly get out of bed. Hotch grimaced as the action was still on the painful side, but not as painful as it had been when Hotch had first been admitted.

"Where are we going, nurse?"

"Doctor Carson figured you might like a change of scenery for your next session, Agent Hotchner," the nurse stated. "She's requested I bring you to her office upstairs where you might be more at ease." After she got the agent seated in the wheelchair, she covered his lap with a blanket from his bed. She wheeled the chair out of Aaron's room with an agent holding open the door for her. And while she couldn't swear to it, she spotted what appeared to be a look of disgust on the face of one agent. She had also heard the whispers and seen the funny looks Agent Hotchner had been subjected to, and it broke her heart. Nobody deserved such treatment, especially from fellow officers. She had mentioned it to Doctor Carson. The doctor's reaction had been to ground her lower jaw in anger, and just shook her head sadly. It was then she had reached a decision. From that moment on, she suggested Agent Hotchner have his sessions with her in her office and away from the tension.

But Hotch was confused as to why the change of scenery, as his first two meetings with Doctor Carson took place in his room. His mind was hard at work trying to see the reasoning behind the change. I bet she's hoping a change of scenery will make me talk to her about what happened to me. That's what I would do if I was her. Put the prisoner…uh, patient, at ease so they will cooperate.

As Hotch now sat alone in Carson's office, he glanced around the office hoping to learn more about the woman doctor. The first thing he noticed was a framed photo on the desk of a 12-year-old raven-haired young girl with eyes like the doctor. Probably her daughter, Aaron told himself. And recalling the woman didn't wear a wedding ring, Hotch assumed she was either divorced or widowed. He shifted his position in his wheelchair to try and find a more comfortable position due to his surgically repaired rectum. His bruised and cracked ribs had him unable to take deep breaths. And his left wrist and forearm being incapacitated with a cast, made maneuverability awkward, but not impossible for him.

With a sigh, the fingers of Hotch's right hand played with the fingers of his left. He studied the cast on his left forearm and wrist. He really didn't want to be here despite what he had told Rossi. He was a trained professional, and can understand his own behavior. And if he proved he was in control of things, it would satisfy the doctor and Rossi. Then the older man would have no choice but to leave him alone and cease his nagging that he talk with someone.

So lost was he in his thoughts, that he nearly missed the opening and closing of a door, and a woman's heels hurrying across the floor toward him. She held a large Styrofoam coffee cup in one hand. Aaron turned his head in her direction to find her smiling at him. It was a look he did not return.

"Agent Hotchner, I apologize for having you brought up here instead of meeting you in your room. But considering the whispers about you on your floor, I figured you might prefer meeting someplace else." She took a drink of her coffee. "How are you, by-the-way?"

Hotch shrugged not looking at the woman. "Okay, I guess." He looked up and focused his eyes on the doctor as she sat behind her desk, placing her cup in front of her. "In fact, after today, I don't think I will be in any further need of your services, doctor. I'm fine. Really. Just a few bumps, bruises, and broken bones. And as soon as I'm able, I intend to return to work. So if you can just sign off on my return-to-active duty papers…"

Carson leaned back in her plush chair with her elbows resting on the arms of her chair. She pyramided her fingertips just under her lower jaw. Her eyes focused on Hotch.

"I'm afraid I can't allow that, Agent Hotchner," she said. "See, the Bureau sent your file to me, and I read it thoroughly. And from what I've read, I can't see you being forced by anyone to continue seeing me. Although I suspect there might have been a bit of uh…persuasion involved? So why did you insist on needing to see me today?"

"I'm not sure insistence is the word I'd use."

"Oh? Shall we call it bullying by someone then?" The doctor knew all about Agent Rossi's worry about his friend after what had happened.

Hotch didn't reply but continued to stare at the woman.

Stubborn.Carson decided to try a different tactic.

"Agent Hotchner sounds so formal. Is it okay if I call you Aaron? And if you want, you can call me Amanda instead of Doctor Carson. It's up to you."

Hotch still didn't respond. He just nodded.

"Good. So let's start over again. Do you want to tell me why you had the need to see me today?"

Hotch shifted in his seat again. Rossi's wrong. I don't need all of my deep, dark secrets brought out into the open, and studied like a lab rat. But then there's Jack. And what if I'm wrong? What if I lose control in front of him? What if I scare him? What if dad's right? What if I'm weak?

"Aaron? Did you hear me?"

"I…that is…I'm worthless. I'm not good for anything except abuse. I'm trash. I…I guess you could say I'm a sad, pathetic excuse for a man." He sighed. "Why don't you just lock me away in a rubber room and throw away the key."

This is going to be more difficult than I thought, Carson told herself. "Aaron, you've suffered a severe trauma nobody should ever have to suffer. That doesn't make you worthless, or someone to be treated like garbage."

Hotch averted his eyes again.

"Agent Hotchner, I want to tell you two things and I want you to pay close attention. First, as you are aware from our first meeting, I am a widow, and you are a very handsome man. That being said, if you believe I can be charmed or intimidated by you into signing your back-to-work papers, you are sadly mistaken. And second, I am not here to stroke your damaged male ego, or say yes to everything you say. I am here to help you deal with what happened to you and to work through it. And only when I decide you are ready, will I sign the paperwork for you to return to the BAU and to the field. But I will not compromise. Are we in agreement?"

Hotch stayed silent.

"Agent Hotchner, are we in agreement?"

Hotch stared down at his lap. He nodded his understanding.

"Good."

"But I can't help how I feel."

"Agent Hotchner, as a LEO, and I'm positive you know this. But what happened to you wasn't your fault. I'm sure you've said that to the many rape victims you've encountered throughout your career. It's a natural progression for rape victims to want to blame themselves. And deep down I'm sure you are also aware one does change as a result of a trauma. I know you've seen both positive and negative changes take place in the victims of crimes. And from what I understand about you, now that you have suffered a severe trauma, exactly how that change will take place within you scares you. The main thing is that you don't run and hide from what you've gone through, but use it to have a say in how that change affects you."

"Other people already consider me as trash who got what he deserved…" only after the words left his mouth did Aaron realize what he had said.

"What makes you say that?"

Aaron scratched the cast on his left wrist. He had spoken without thinking. He raised his head and the psychiatrist saw the defeatist look in his eyes. "You mentioned you had me brought up here because of the whispers about me going on on my floor."

"How does what is being said about you, make you feel after what happened to you?"

Hotch considered the doctor's question. "Unworthy of compassion."

Doctor Carson picked up her coffee cup and took a sip of the now slightly warm brew. Putting it down again, she looked at her patient.

"Agent Hotchner, how familiar are you with the different stages of rape recovery?"

Hotch let out a deep breath. "The Acute Phase. The Outward Adjustment Phase. And the Renewal Phase. The first stage involves shock, dismay, fear, panic, and anger. The second stage means someone is not open to counseling and pretends everything is okay. And the last stage is when the person begins to feel safer, and the symptoms begin to ease or disappear. Why?"

"And where would you place yourself?

"Nowhere."

A frown appeared. "Why not?"

Hotch glared at the woman. He didn't like being cornered when he wasn't expecting it. "I…I can't say why."

"Yes you can, Agent Hotchner," Doctor Carson replied cautiously. "In fact, I know you can. Or do you think what happened to you doesn't qualify you for a place on this list of the different stages?"

"Of course I don't," Hotch struggled to control his temper at the moment.

"Well then? Is what you experienced, and the whispers about you, disqualify you from being affected unlike others would be?"

Hotch's fists clenched and unclenched as his anger intensified. Still, he fought to control his emotions understanding what this doctor was trying to do. She was deliberately pushing his buttons to elicit a response from him that he didn't want to put out there for anybody to see.

"That's not it at all," he said flatly.

"Then what is it? Are you worried that your team will think you are weak, and less of a man because you were raped and sodomized? Do you think they somehow blame you for what happened?"

Hotch balled his fists tightly which didn't go unseen by Amanda. "I haven't the slightest idea, doctor."

"I think you do."

"No I don't!" Aaron hissed.

Amanda arched an eyebrow. "You really have no idea?"

Hotch swallowed the growing lump in his throat. His eyes were bright with unshed tears. "No…" he said softly.

It was then that Hotch switched from looking at the doctor to staring out the window behind her while he struggled to reign in his emotions. He was aware she was studying him the entire time. I wonder if she took a profiling course at one time. After a few seconds, Hotch's fists unclenched, his anger subsided, and was replaced by something he never even considered…doubt.

"Maybe…I'm not really…I don't know."

Amanda pressed Hotch a little more figuring the agent was on the brink. She placed her elbows on the desk and leaned forward toward him. "Come on, Aaron. Talk to me."

It took everything in Aaron to get him to look into Carson's eyes and keep contact. Right now all he wanted to do was crawl inside a hole, and allow himself to be covered up completely. Anything will be better than this. To have his emotions out on display for everyone to see was humiliating.

"It isn't what the team thinks of me…" he replied in a shaky lost voice. "It's what I…and…others think. They all think I allowed it to happen. I think I let it happen to me. By letting it happen I proved how weak I really am to myself and my team. If I…" the tears rolled down his cheeks. "If I ignore the anger and deny that anything happened, I won't have to admit how weak and pathetic I really am to anyone. And that I'm not strong enough to get past this." He wiped the back of his right hand across his eyes and spoke bitterly. "To answer your question, doctor, my team doesn't think less of me. But I consider myself less of a man because I am weak and inadequate. I allowed myself to be drugged, beaten, and nearly killed. I'm a federal agent and I couldn't even protect myself. I'm pathetic as far as being a man is concerned."

"And what about being raped and sodomized, Aaron? Do you feel the same way about what was done to you as well?"

Aaron nodded as more tears rolled down his cheeks.

Amanda Carson allowed a smile to appear on her face as she stared at Hotch's stricken face.

"Congratulations, Aaron. At last we have a place at which to start."