A/N: Again, more from my own sessions with my shrink. I just had to incorporate Hotch's sexual assault into these sessions. I hope I was able to make these therapy sessions with Hotch realistic.

Chapter 45

It was that admission by Hotch that produced a warm smile on Amanda Carson's face.

"All right. Why don't we begin with you telling me why you need my help in the first place?" She leaned back in her chair again and crossed her legs. The notebook again in her lap and the pen in her hand.

"I…I was…I was assaulted after…after…being drugged against my will."

"Let's look at that for a minute, Aaron."

Amanda, unbeknownst to Aaron, had spoken with Rossi in her meeting with the older man, and was privy to what had happened to Aaron. She was also aware he had afterward been severely beaten and left for dead. But now that the agent had admitted he needed help, the second step was to have him admit was had been done to him. "What do you mean when you said assaulted? How were you assaulted?" She tilted her head sideways. "Were you beaten? Mugged?"

"Beaten. But not…at first. I…this is embarrassing for me, doctor…" A tinge of red colored Hotch's cheeks.

"I understand, Aaron. But try and forget that I am a woman. Consider me only as another doctor. Perhaps that will make it easier for you."

"I…I was…raped…and sodomized…" Aaron hung his head, eyes burning with unshed tears. I bet she even thinks I'm a sad excuse for a man now. She's just too polite to say it to my face.

Amanda pursed her lips watching her patient for several seconds. The poor man. It nearly broke him emotionally just admitting that little bit. But I suspect there is something more he is reluctant to admit. She licked her lips. "From what you just told me about the trauma you suffered, I don't blame you for being angry. And as you are aware, anger is part of the healing process and is completely natural." Carson's eyebrows knitted as her eyes narrowed. "But something tells me what happened to you more than angers you. Can you tell me what this something is, Aaron?"

Aaron avoided the doctor's eyes, and spoke so softly that Amanda had to pay close attention. "I….I was…a date rape drug was put…in my drink."

"By whom?"

"I…was…given the drug…by someone who…who was…I thought he was my friend." A muffled sob could be heard.

"Are you saying that a friend drugged you?"

"Yes."

"But there is still something else, isn't there, Aaron? Something you still haven't said happened." She paused for a second or two. "Do you have an idea who hurt you?"

"No," he lied.

Doctor Carson felt her patient had reached a crossroad. If she could just get him to openly admit who had attacked him, as well as what else troubled him about the attack, it would open the floodgates.

"I don't remember what happened exactly because of the Rohypnol. Dave…Agent Rossi, had to fill me in on what happened to me. I mean…I've been told what happened, but I still don't remember anything on my own."

"So you don't have an idea who attacked you?"

"No."

The doctor already had the name of the man who attacked Aaron from Rossi, but she needed Hotch to say it. To face that fact. When the agent didn't reply after several minutes, she tried a different approach.

"Agent, how do your colleagues feel about their leader being raped and sodomized?"

Hotch didn't answer.

"Agent Hotchner?"

More silence from Hotch.

Carson decided to go out on a limb. "Is it safe to say they are furious at what was done to you, and want to help you? And is it also safe to say you're pushing them away?"

"They shouldn't waste their time on me. I'm an embarrassment as a man and to the team." He snorted. "I'm an FBI agent who let himself be assaulted by another man and didn't stop him. I let myself be assaulted."

"Is that how you see yourself, Aaron? That you are a failure not only as an FBI agent, but as a man because you didn't stop a man from attacking you?" Carson asked.

"Yes. I didn't stop him. I…I let him do things to me, disgusting things. I…I should have…I should have stopped him."

"Aaron, look at me."

Hotch kept his eyes on his lap.

"If you won't look at me, then I need you to listen. To really listen to what I'm going to say." She licked her lips again. "Aaron, as an FBI agent you'll understand what I'm going to say, and you've said it to rape victims yourself. Difference is, this time you are the victim. And I need you to understand you are not responsible. And you did not let someone have their way with you. You were drugged, and unable to defend yourself. None of this was your fault."

Hotch still didn't move, nor did he respond in any way.

"Agent Hotchner," Doctor Carson stared at the man in the wheelchair, studying him.

Hotch found himself suddenly growing weary from all the questions, and trying to make sure he formed his responses to the doctor's questions. Answers that didn't give anything away. He suspected he had already told the doctor more than he wanted or planned. Not only was this not a good way to begin things, but made him realize he could be fighting a losing battle with a doctor who saw right through him. Saw through the facade he had carefully constructed around his emotions.

"Agent Hotchner. Aaron."

Hotch turned and looked at the doctor this time. He had the saddest expression Carson had ever seen on a patient. After several more minutes, Hotch found himself telling her about JJ's visit and how he treated her, and how he blew up at Rossi. But he stopped shy again of disclosing the name of his attacker. His lower lip quivered and his eyes became bright.

"Aaron, you said you had no idea who attacked you."

"That's right," he lied again. It was a partial lie anyway.

"But you said you were given the date rape drug by a friend. Did this friend take part in your assault as well?"

"No," Hotch lied. Tears rolled down his cheeks now.

He's totally exhausted. It's taking all of his reserve strength to keep that information to himself, Amanda told herself. No surprise there. But he's still avoiding the depth of the pain he needs to work through to heal. So with her mouth set in a firm line, the doctor again spoke in a firm voice.

"Agent, we have talked a bit about several things. But we are just skimming the surface so far. And until we can delve deeper into those problems, we can continue this dance you have been doing. The dance you're doing to avoid discussing the deeper issues you're trying so hard to avoid. In other words, Aaron, you are running away from your problem rather than facing it head-on, although I suspect what that problem is. Now Aaron, as I told you earlier, I can help you work through this, if you'll let me. But I can only help you if you really want to help yourself. Otherwise it won't work. But let me remind you of what I told you early on in this session. Unless you are willing, and I mean really willing to be perfectly honest with yourself, and to look beneath the surface, you are not going to heal completely." She tossed her notebook and pen on her desk, and straightened her posture in her chair. "I can see you are very tired, so we will stop right now, and I'll have a nurse take you back to your room." She reached for and picked up the receiver of her phone and pressed a button. She spoke briefly to someone then hung up the receiver.

Hotch watched the doctor as she wrote something in her notebook. He suspected it was about him. He was disappointed in himself. Not only because he didn't adhere to his carefully orchestrated plan and stick to that strategy, but because he had underestimated Doctor Carson. It was a mistake he promised himself he wouldn't make again. He realized he had failed…again. Failed to convince the doctor he was fine, so she would let him go back to work once his body had healed. To him, it was just another thing at which he had failed.

Rossi and Morgan walked through the doors and into the BAU, where they were met by JJ who had a frown on her face.

Rossi froze as he noticed her expression. "What now?" He asked himself wondering what else had happened, fighting down the rising panic. "What's happened, JJ? Has something happened to Hotch?"

"Nothing's happened to Hotch. But we still may have a problem," the blonde explained. "Doctor Caswell's disappeared."

"What d'ya mean by disappeared?" asked Morgan knitting his eyebrows.

"Exactly what I said," JJ repeated. "Emily and Reid went to the hospital to get him, and apparently he never showed up for his scheduled afternoon shift, and nobody's heard from him. And none of the neighbors have either. They went to his apartment and it looks like he packed in a hurry. He left behind a lot of his clothes and other things. They also questioned his soon-to-be ex-wife and girlfriend with the same results."

"Damn!" Rossi muttered under his breath. This was not good news as he understood Caswell would play a prominent role in helping the rapist get his hands on Hotch again. And that was something he refused to allow to happen. He needed to be found and found quickly. The senior agent looked at JJ. "Where are Prentiss and Reid now?" he asked.

"They're still at Caswell's apartment with Detective Moeller hoping to find a clue as to where Caswell may have gone. Oh, and Rossi, I got the results from the lab on the lock of hair."

"And…?"

"And that lock of hair we received belongs to Alana Wheaton."

"What lock of hair?" asked Morgan looking back and forth between the two agents. Rossi quickly explained about the package the BAU had received.

"Damn," Morgan swore running a hand over his bald dome. "Rossi, that little girl's runnin' outta time. We have to find her and now."

Rossi sighed wearily. "And we will, Morgan. We need a break, and we need it now. And maybe Hemminger might be the only chance we have to save that little girl, and find this bastard before he gets to Hotch again." The older man reached into his jacket and removed his cell phone. Scrolling down the list of contacts, he found the one he wanted and pressed speed dial. The phone on the other end was picked up on the second ring.

"Reid here…"

"Reid, its Rossi…" He put his phone on speaker so JJ and Morgan could listen.

"Hey, Rossi…Detective Moeller, Emily and I are still looking around Caswell's apartment, but haven't found anything yet."

"Understood. Is Emily with you right now?"

"Right here, Rossi," Prentiss interjected standing beside Reid who had put his phone on speaker. "What do you need?"

"I need for you to come back to the office asap. I want you and Morgan to question Jason Hemminger."

"I'm on my way…" Prentiss replied.

"What do you need me to do, Rossi?" asked Reid as Prentiss left the room and headed downstairs.

"Kid, I need you to stay there and help Detective Moeller search through Caswell's place. He had to have left something to show where he went as it's now clear he's on the run."

Reid glanced around the bedroom he had been searching with several plainclothes cops. "I haven't found anything so far, and neither has Detective Moeller. But we'll keep searching."

Rossi smiled. "Keep at it, kid. If anybody can find something, my money's on you."

Reid's eyebrows knitted. "Rossi, did you just admit you bet money on me?"

"That's not what I said, kid."

"Yes, you did. In case you've forgotten, I have an eidetic memory which you should be aware by now allows me to remember everything. You said your money was on me. That means you bet money on me. You know betting by federal workers on the premises is illegal. And not only is it illegal…."

"It's just a figure of speech, kid," Rossi sighed rolling his eyes. "I didn't mean it literally." He stared at Morgan who was shaking his head and chuckled.

"Oh. If it's just a figure of speech then that's all right. As long as you didn't really…"

"I have to go, kid." Rossi didn't want to be rude, but he didn't have time to listen to the kid's ramblings. "Let us know if you find something." He promptly disconnected the call and returned the phone to his inner pocket.

"What's so funny?" Rossi asked JJ spotting the amused grin on her face.

The blonde smirked. "Let me guess. Spence started to ramble, didn't he?"

"Umm-hmm," Rossi grinned. "Figured I'd cut 'im off at the pass."

Morgan's mega-watt smile was in full bloom now. "You do realize by doing that it won't deter Pretty Boy?"

"I know that, and I'll try and make sure I'm not in the same room when he does," Rossi admitted deviously.

Morgan chuckled. "Good luck with that," he teased.

"Rossi, how come you want Emily and Morgan to question Hemminger and not Morgan and Reid?" asked a puzzled JJ.

"Hemminger wants Reid in there so he can play with 'im. We need to knock 'im off his game. Having Morgan and Prentiss confront 'im just might do that."

Hotch, having returned to his room a while ago, was again sitting in his wheelchair staring out the window watching the sky. It was while he watched the clouds float by that he recalled his recent session with Doctor Carson.

She's wrong. I did let myself be attacked. I did let that man do unspeakable things to me. I did! But I'm not angry with Darryl. I'm not. He was forced to do what he did. I'm angry with Dave.

"Agent Hotchner?"

Whether Hotch heard was anybody's guess. He lowered his head and massaged his forehead. I am not depressed over what happened. I'm not. But I am angry with Dave. But I shouldn't be angry with him. I should be angry with Darryl. What is wrong with me?

"Agent Hotchner!"

Startled by the sudden awareness of an unknown visitor, Hotch struggled to turn his wheelchair around so he could face his visitor. Doctor Correa waited patiently as he stood at the foot of the bed for his patient to come closer.

"Sorry, doc." Hotch noticed the two agents in his room were nowhere in sight. "Where's Frick and Frack?" he asked.

"Not a problem, agent," Correa replied. "And since I'm guessing you're asking about the two agents who were in your room, I sent them outside so we can talk privately."

"Why?"

Never having been one to get upset over things, Hotch found he was on edge. He was tired. Tired, frustrated, and troubled. But most of all, he was scared. Scared by the knowledge that his rapist was after him again. Scared by the image in his mind of strange hands touching the most intimate parts of his body against his will. Scared of something being used to sodomize him again. His body started shaking with fear which didn't escape the observant eyes of Doctor Correa.

"Aaron, I spoke with Doctor Carson. She said you might be more comfortable with a male psychiatrist. Is this true?"

"Yes…no…I…don't think so."

"Because she is the best at handling your trauma. But if you would really prefer speaking with a man, I can try to find someone for you. But it might take time. The choice is yours."

While Aaron did feel awkward exposing himself verbally to a woman, the thought of having to begin again with someone new troubled him even more.

"No….I….I can…I can work with her."

Doctor Correa smiled. "All right then. By the way, I phoned Agent Rossi and he is on his way here."

"I don't need to see him." Hotch's eyes narrowed into slits, and his eyebrows knitted as anger was building. "Call him back and tell him not to come. I don't want him here!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that, agent. I need to examine you and see how you're healing, and told him this. We made an agreement, remember? Whenever you needed to be examined, Agent Rossi needs to be here to help keep you calm since your trauma."

"Whatever…" Hotch muttered.

Doctor Correa sighed. Despite not being a psychiatrist, he even noticed Hotch's change in mood at the mention of Rossi. "Agent Hotchner, I'm not a psychiatrist, but even I can tell from your body language that you are angry. And if I may be so bold…I suspect your anger is mistakenly directed at Agent Rossi."

Aaron gave the doctor his famous stare. "Why do you say that?" he growled.

"From what Doctor Carson told me, she believes you are angry at yourself for letting someone attack you, and not stopping it from happening. And instead of dealing with it, you find it easier to project that anger onto Agent Rossi. And you know I am telling you the truth."

Hotch opened his mouth to refute Correa's analysis, but shut it without saying a word. But I am angry with Rossi! Why can't anybody see that?

But the physician continued, undaunted. "Aaron, for your therapy to work, you need to understand why you're projecting your anger onto someone else, and denying you are angry at yourself. You were brutally and seriously injured. There's no question there. But once you are able to accept that you played no part in you being injured, your misplaced anger against your friends will lessen and eventually dissipate."

Hotch doubted the answer was that simple. He looked up at Correa. "Can it really be that easy, doc?" he asked.

Correa didn't answer Hotch's question. But he sensed he had planted a seed in the agent's mind, and hoped it would take root and grow. "In other words, Aaron, you are either unwilling, or refusing to deal with the reason for your anger, and projecting it onto someone else, is easier for you. Doctor Carson believes you need to speak with Agent Rossi and listen to what he says. I mean really listen to him."

The doctor checked and noticed the time. "I have to leave now, agent. But I will be back once Agent Rossi arrives and examine you."

The doctor walked out of the agent's hospital room. With a weary sigh, Hotch ignored the two agents re-entering his room again, and managed to turn his wheelchair back to the window. He resumed staring at the blue sky finding not only comfort, but a distraction from his problems.