Chapter 13: "We Put Each Other Back Together."

Disclaimer: For the 33rd time, I do not own the Fosters.

AN: Picks up the day after the last chapter. As requested, this chapter mostly deals with Connor's quasi-confession in the previous chapter about his depression and the implied contemplation of suicide right before he met Jude. Please leave a review and enjoy.

Connor's POV:

I woke up, and the memories from the previous day hit me like a freight train. I quickly threw on a pair of shorts and another of my striped tank tops and meandered down the stairs.

I walked into the kitchen to find my Uncle Evan standing there, sipping from a can of Coca Cola.

"Uncle Evan? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I came here to talk to you." He said. His eyes held none of their usual humor.

The held sadness, and worry.

"What about?" I ask.

He looked at me with sympathy in his eyes.

"You said something at dinner last night, that really worried me."

"What'd I say?" I ask confused.

"You mentioned how if it wasn't for Jude, we would've all attended your funeral."

"Oh. That." I mutter awkwardly.

I had completely forgotten about mentioning that.

My darkest days.

It's a subject that I had buried deep in the bowls of my consciousness. One that I never brought up after the fact, and rarely thought about. It was something that I had tried very hard, indeed, over the past seven months to forget.

"Did you mean what I think you meant?" Evan asked gently.

"That I was... was s-s-suicidal when I met Jude?" I asked shakily in confirmation, receiving a nod, "Yeah. I was. But I really don't wanna talk about it. Not now."

"I won't force you, but I will tell you... that I know how that feels. To be suicidal, and to meet somebody who ends up saving your life without knowing it."

I whip my head towards him to meet his gaze.

"You do?" I asked shocked.

"Yeah. I do."

"How?" I asked.

"It's a long story." Evan said.

"I've got time." I said.

"When I was growing up, being gay was a social death sentence." Evan said, "I had a boyfriend, in middle school. I wasn't even as old as you and Jude are now."

I nodded for him to continue.

"His name was Nate." He continued, "And I was head over heels for him. I dated him for a year and a half in secret. The only person who I told, was your Aunt Caroline. But then somebody else found out."

My eyes widened.

"The fuckers cornered him on his way home." Evan said shakily, "Beat the shit out of him, ended up putting him in a coma. His parents moved the whole family out of state after he woke up, to escape what happened. I barely even got to say goodbye. I was pulled from class the next day and told the news. I went downhill, real quick. I hid it well. Your grandparents and your dad never realized what was going on. I got myself involved with some nasty things. I started sneaking drinks from dad's liquor cabinet, I was doing drugs, I was cutting."

I winced at the final admission, rubbing my arm out of reflex. He didn't notice.

"Caroline tried to help, but she couldn't heal the wound. David was the one who did that. I was sitting alone at a lunch table, and he sat down and started chatting with me about comic books. By the end of the day, I had gained a best friend. I knew that I could survive with him at my side, and I'm guessing that's what you thought about Jude?"

I nodded.

"Yeah." I said, "Do you think I should tell him? About the whole thing?"

"If I've learned one thing," Evan said, "It's that the quickest way to fracture a relationship is by keeping the wrong secrets to yourself."

It was at this moment that my phone dinged, alerting me to an incoming text message.

As if sent by god to answer my own question, the message was from Jude. It was the first text I had received from Jude since we dropped him off at home last night after the debacle at my grandmother's house.

"We need to talk about yesterday. Meet me at the bench."

"Be there in a bit, I'm gonna eat breakfast first." I sent back.

"That was Jude," I said, "He wants me to meet him at our bench at Anchor Beach."

"Okay, well I'll let you get to that then." Evan said, "Just remember, kiddo. If you ever need to talk, you can always come to me.

I nod to him and he leaves. Outside, a moment later, I hear the sound of his Charger thundering down the road.

My mom walked into the kitchen.

"Connor."

"Mom? You stayed last night?"

"Yeah." She said, "Can't tell you how much I've missed waking up with your dad next to me. Anyway, where are you going so early?"

"Going to meet Jude. He wants to talk about yesterday."

"Ah. I see." Mom said, "How are things between you two?"

"They're great." I said, "We haven't even had a fight yet. Though I think we did enough of that before we started dating to make up for at least the next three months. Add on how hard we had to fight dad to be together, that's at least another year."

"When did you fight before this?" Mom asked.

I realize with a start that Mom hasn't heard the full story of how Jude and I got together.

"I kissed him in the tent during our school trip. Afterwards, I was trying to cover up my feelings for him from dad by dating this girl, Daria." I explained, "It was the only way dad would let me hang out with Jude at the time. I ended up using her as my beard, and I ended up leading him on. One day, Dad was out of town and his flight was canceled, so I stayed the night at his place, and I ended up flirting with him the whole time."

"Connor..." Mom said, disappointed.

"I know. I know. I was an idiot." I said sadly, "Anyway, we were in his backyard playing catch, and I threw the ball so that he'd miss a three in a row streak. He threw his glove at me. So I wrestled him and pinned him to the ground. We stayed that way for a moment, just staring into each other's eyes."

"Aww." Mom said.

"Yeah. But then my phone dinged with a text from Daria, inviting me over to her house. Jude asked me if I wanted to go, and I asked him what else there was to do. He got pissed and stomped off. I laid there in the grass, trying to decide what I was going to do. About a minute later I texted Daria and told her no, then I followed him up, told him I texted Daria and told her I was going to stay there. He said it wasn't nice to lead people on. I told him I wasn't, and I flicked his shoe a couple of times to try and lighten the mood. He told me to stop. I went in to do it again, and he kicked me in the stomach. I double over, he starts apologizing. I ask why he kicked me, and he snaps. Confronts me about everything. The kiss in the tent. Me holding his hand at the movie theater. Flirting with him all day. I just needed him to understand, so I leant in and kissed him again. Our first kiss, in the tent, was asking a question. The second one was the answer to that question."

"Then two days later you sneak out to see him and end up getting shot." Mom said.

"Yeah." I confirmed, "It was Taylor's idea. She could tell that Jude had feelings for me. I didn't notice at the time, but when she suggested getting drunk and making out, she nudged Jude and tilted her head towards me. I was grinning at Jude like an idiot. Just the thought of kissing him again was... intoxicating."

"Then you snapped and told your dad in the hospital afterwards." She said. I nodded.

"Couple days later, he lets him in, and we get together officially." I finish.

"Your dad has come a LONG way since then." Mom pointed out, "I'm actually kind of surprised at that. I think he actually likes Jude now, rather than the grudging respect he had at the start."

"Yeah. I'm proud of him." I said, "He even punched grandpa for calling Jude and I those things. I'm glad he's come around."

Mom smiled.

I smiled back, and we sunk into a comfortable silence.

"Are you and dad going to get back together?" I asked hopefully.

Mom gave me a soft smile.

"It's possible." She said, and I felt my heart jump, "Your dad has changed a lot since we got divorced. He's a better man now. A better father."

"Yeah."

"Anyway, you'd better go. Best not keep Jude waiting."

I agreed with her assessment and launched myself out the door with a renewed spring in my step. I got on my bike and pedaled quickly away towards Anchor Beach.

Jude was already there when I arrived. He was wearing a plain red t-shirt, and beige cargo shorts. He had a beach bag sitting next to him on the bench, which he moved to the ground at his feet when he saw me approach. He patted the bench next to him, and I sat down next to him. I snuck a peak at him. He had a deadly serious expression on his face.

"You said something last night." He started, "About being depressed when you met me."

"Yeah, I did." I confirmed.

"How bad was it?" He asked.

"Really bad." I said after a moment's hesitation.

"You said if I wasn't there, you would be dead." Jude said, his voice breaking, "That's more than just 'really bad', Connie."

I wince at the nickname. To date, Jude has only called me that five times. The first two times were teasing. But now he only calls me that when one of us in extreme emotional distress. He called me that when Jax was nearly killed in that hit and run. He called me that when we we're talking on the way home last night when I started crying. This time makes five.

"I know." I admit.

"Why did you never tell me?" He asked, upset, "You're my boyfriend!"

"But I wasn't back then, was I?" I said quietly, "Nobody knew about it but me. I hid it VERY well, JJ. Uncle Evan tried to talk to me about it this morning before I left to meet you. He knows what I went through, because he went through it himself, and I still couldn't stomach telling him the full story."

"Tell me then." Jude demanded, "Cry. Scream. Shout. Do anything you have to do. But TALK TO ME..."

"My mom and dad." I cut him off. He looked at me.

"What about them?" He asked.

"They fought all the time before the divorce. It was nonstop, constant, it never seemed to end. And my name was always brought up when they fought. Mom couldn't stand how controlling he was over the way I lived, my friend choices, what I did for fun. They would argue about me for hours."

Jude grabbed my hand in his and rubbed comforting circles on the back of it with his thumb.

"Go on." He said.

"In my twelve year old mind, that meant that it was all my fault." I confessed, "It was my fault that my family was ripping itself apart, and that shattered me into a billion pieces. I started to feel like people would be better off without me, so I started closing myself off from my friends. I stopped speaking to Jax, Castor, Alex and Carson. I felt like they wouldn't understand. Then one day, mom and dad sat me down and told me they were getting divorced."

I took in a deep breath and exhaled, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall.

"I didn't even let them get the full sentence out." I said, "As soon as I heard the word divorce, I bolted. Locked myself in the bathroom upstairs. I felt so much pain, and it wouldn't go away. I dug through the medicine cabinet, and I found my dad's razor. "

I held up my arm and pulled back the sleeve.

"This was the result." I said.

Jude reached out with a trembling hand to trace one of the pink scars the remained, forever emblazoned on my arm.

"How long has it been? Since you last did it?" He asked.

"Seven months." I said, "Anyway, to use my Uncle's turn of phrase, I went downhill quickly. I would do it at any open opportunity. Then one day in gym class, I caught myself looking at one of the other boys in class. It felt like I'd been sucker punched. All I could think about was my grandfather and dad's attitude towards the whole thing, and I started to think that maybe God was telling me I didn't deserve to live."

Jude wrapped his arm around me protectively, glaring fiercely at a passerby who sent us a strange look.

"Keep going."

"I became suicidal." I said, "The next day, I went to school, intending never to leave."

"What do you mean?" Jude asked.

I paused for a moment.

"I... I was... *breath* I was going to jump off the roof." I confessed shakily, "Normally, that's not high enough to kill you, but it would have been If I did it headfirst. I made it to math class, and I asked the teacher if I could be excused. I was walking down the hallway, and I turned the corner and ran headlong into somebody. I look down, and there's this little brown eyed kid with a bowl cut staring up at me. I looked into those brown eyes and I saw a kindred spirit. Something I desperately needed to keep me alive."

Jude smiled.

"Me." He said.

I nodded.

"Yeah. You."

"You helped me off the ground and said hello, introduced yourself." Jude continued, "You seemed unusually chipper."

"I knew I had found somebody who could help put me back together." I said, shooting him a teary smile, "I could tell you were something special. You asked me if I knew where your math class was, and I told you I was in the same one and led you there. We sat next to each other. I remember thinking you were cute, but given where I was with THAT at the time, I pushed it away until the whole thing happened with Maddie before your adoption."

Jude snorted at the memory of our first real fight, and the irony of the situation.

"Arguing over a girl, when neither of us like them." He said jokingly.

I snort, and nod.

"Anyway, then I saw you getting picked on for your nail polish," I continued, "And I didn't step in quickly enough. The look you gave me after the teacher stepped in. I thought I fucked it all up. So the next day, I put it on myself and wore it in your defense."

"And afterwards, I asked you why you did it." Jude said, "Why you would risk it, because they might bully you like they did me."

"And I told youthat they wouldn't." I continued, "That they wouldn't touch you again, because you were my friend. That I thought of it as something more than nail polish. That it wasn't just nail polish, it was our war paint. Then I asked you to be my partner in science, and that Saturday, we hung out to do our DNA/RNA project together. I sealed our friendship by giving you my PSP and telling you to keep it. It wasn't until I got home that night that I realized you had already started putting me back together."

"We put each other back together." Jude interjected, "I was just as broken as you were. An abused foster kid, closeted rape victim, who never knew whether the next home was gonna last a day or a year, or whether the next home would be a good or horrible one. You fixed me too."

"They gave me the choice on who to live with, you know?" I told him, "About a month after we met. If I went to live with my mom, I would have to leave Anchor Beach, which meant I would lose you as a friend. So I chose to stay with my dad. I thought that if I left you, the old urges would come back. The day of your adoption, afterwards at the celebration at your house, I realized that with you at my side, I would never have to worry about not wanting to live."

"I hope you never DO feel like that again." Jude said, "I don't want to attend your funeral, Connor. Not for at least another eighty years."

"Do you really think we'll still be together when we die?" I ask curiously.

"I'm thirteen, you're fourteen. It might last, and I hope with all my heart it does, but it might not." Jude said rationally, "It still feels weird to me, to have the luxury of being able to look to the future with something besides terror and apprehension. Even if it doesn't last forever, you and I will always be best friends, you will always be special to me. I will always be there for you when you need me. Even if the status of our relationship changes, that is one thing that definitely won't."

I smiled and leaned in for a kiss. It was hot, passionate, and we both wrestled for control.

We stayed like that until we had to stop for breath. I looked down at the beach bag, and quirked an eyebrow in question.

"What's the bag for?"

"Well, the first beach date got ruined when Jesus set me off," He said, "So I figured we could spend the day together, just us. Swim for a while, lay in the sun, go for lunch on the pier. Make out under the pier after lunch..."

"Sounds like a plan." I said, leaning in to kiss him on the nose with a laugh, "I love you."

"I love you too."