Chapter 15: First Fight.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.
AN: This chapter takes place a week after the previous chapter, in September. Jude tells his moms about his desire to learn to defend himself and learn to use a gun and a knife. Some dialogue taken from the Season 3 Promo. Features strong language. Also fulfills a request made in a review by one of favorite reviewers. m'j doom, about putting a strain on Jude and Connor's relationship, with the two struggling with the idea that they might be attacked again because of their relationship.
Jude's POV:
I had been home for six days.
Connor has been popping in and out over the course of the time, but ever since the hospital, there has been this tension in the air when we are around each other. I had talked him into going to see a therapist to talk about what happened to us, and also to talk about the other issues he has had in the past. After the third session yesterday, he told me that the doctor diagnosed him with depression.
Since school resumes in three days, all the "Mafia" members have been dropping in to say hello. Needless to say I've gotten a lot of visitors. I was pleasantly surprised when Jax and Daria showed up, and Jax was grinning again. Like he used to before he lost the use of his legs. Connor's dad popped in a couple of times to check on me, as did my dad. Connor's Uncle Evan stopped by every day to check that I was alright.
It was during Connor and Evan's visit today that I finally decided to broach the topic of my desire to learn to shoot a gun, and use a knife.
"I want to learn how to shoot a gun." I said.
I sat at the kitchen table, staring at my moms, who are staring back at me in shock. I could see Evan standing in the doorway behind me, dressed in his usual black ensemble that he never seemed to change out of. Connor stood to my right, leaning up against the counter, dressed in jeans and a blue flannel shirt. As soon as I said the word "Gun" he flinched and clenched his fist on the edge of the counter.
"Can you... can you repeat that, sweetie?" Stef asked.
"I want to learn how to shoot a gun." I said, "Connor's uncle said he'd teach me how to shoot, and how to use a knife, if you guys agreed."
"Why do you want to learn how to shoot a gun?" Lena asked cautiously.
"I just... don't want to be scared." I said simply, truthfully.
"Honey, we know that what happened to you was bad," Lena said, "And we get that you might be a bit scared. But you're too young to carry a gun."
"I didn't say anything about CARRYING a gun." I interrupt, "I just want to learn how to shoot one. If I carry anything, I'll carry a pocket knife of something."
I sighed.
"Connor and I weren't doing anything wrong." I said sadly, "We were having a date at the beach. Connor talked to me about some serious stuff that got brought up when I went with them the that dinner at Connor's grandma's house."
"Like what?" Stef asked, concern lacing her voice. I saw Connor stiffen out of the corner of my eyes.
"It was some scary stuff," I admit, "Stuff about Connor that I never knew, that goes back before I knew him. Stuff that worries me. Stuff that I'm not gonna go into detail about with you guys until Connor gives me permission to do it."
My tone spoke loud and clear that I wasn't saying anymore on the subject. I looked over to Connor, who gave me a grateful nod. Stef and Lena turned to him.
"You know you can talk to us about anything, right Connor?" Lena said.
"I know, and I'm grateful." Connor said with a small smile, "And I will. I planned to talk to you guys about it today, but it can wait until this conversation is over first."
"Fair enough." Stef said.
"Anyway, we had fun. It was a nice little date," I said, smiling a little, "We ate the sandwiches you made me to bring along, we went swimming, then we spent most of our money in the arcade. We snuck under the pier for some... uh, alone time. Just to kiss for awhile. Next thing I know, we're getting the crap beat out of us. I get knocked out, and when I wake up, the first thing I see is Connor standing there with a bloody rock in his hand."
"He was?" Lena asked shocked, shooting Connor a shocked look. Neither of us had told her or mom the exact details about what had happened that day. At first it was because I could barely stomach to think about it, let alone speak about it out loud.
"Yeah. I hit the guy over the head with it." Connor said awkwardly, "Jude was unconscious, and the guys wasn't about to stop, so I stopped him."
"He saved me." I said, "He's always the one saving me. It makes me feel weak. I'm NOT weak! I want to be able to defend myself, I want to be able to defend Connor if I need to! I love Connor to death, he's helped me more than even he realizes, and I don't want to have to be looking over my shoulder every time we go out in public together, waiting for the next attack to come. I shouldn't have to!"
"Jude, honey. I know you are upset about this all..." Stef started to say, probably about to try to talk me out of it, but I interrupted her angrily, losing my carefully caged temper.
"You're damned right I'm upset about it!" I snapped, my anger getting the better of me, "Those fuckers put me IN THE HOSPITAL! They broke four of my ribs, screwed up my left wrist and gave me a concussion because they caught me kissing my boyfriend! If, god forbid, it ever happens again, I want to be ready."
"JJ." Connor said sternly, staring at me with a gaze that warned me to be cautious, "I know you are angry. But you gotta calm down, and I'm pretty sure swearing isn't gonna help you're case."
"I'm sorry." I said sheepishly, "I just don't want to be scared to be with you."
"I'm scared too." Connor said, "But frankly I agree with your moms on this one."
I rolled my eyes, and my sheepishness turned straight to anger and irritation. Connor and I have been arguing about this since that day in the hospital. Connor may be okay with the both of us learning to use a knife to defend ourselves, but after giving it some thought Connor was vehemently against me learning how to use a gun.
"Stop doing that." I said testily.
"Stop what?" He asked, pushing off from the counter and walking up to stand next to me.
"Trying to convince me that doing this a bad idea." I said irritably, standing to turn to face him.
"Well it is a bad idea, Jude!" He shot back, equally irritated, "I'm okay with you learning how to use a knife, and I'm willing to do that with you, but remember what happened the last time we encountered a gun? I GOT SHOT!"
"Well that's less likely to happen if we can defend ourselves, isn't it." I snarl back.
"If we be careful, and don't go looking for trouble, we won't need to defend ourselves." He growls back condescendingly.
I knew he was only trying to protect me, but my dormant temper finally snapped, and I started shouting.
"WE WERE CAREFUL!" I shout, "WE WERE HIDING UNDER THE PIER FOR FUCKSAKE AND WE STILL GOT ATTACKED!"
"THOSE ASSHOLES HAD PROBABLY BEEN FOLLOWING US ALL DAY!" Connor shouted, losing his temper as well.
"WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED, CONNOR!"
"YEAH, BUT WE WEREN'T KILLED WERE WE?" He shouted back.
"WELL WHAT IF WE AREN'T THAT LUCKY NEXT TIME, DUMBASS?" I scream in his face, "THE LAST THING I CAN HANDLE IS SEEING YOU, BEING ZIPPED UP INTO A FUCKING BODY BAG!"
"YOU THINK I WANT THAT EITHER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT?" Connor screamed back, "IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO YOU, I WOULD HUNT THEM DOWN! I WOULD MAKE THEM PAY! I WOULD PROBABLY TORTURE THEM TO DEATH! BUT, IF YOU GOT K-Killed..."
His voice broke as he hissed that last word, and the tears he had been holding back finally flowed. I feel the anger seep from my body at a speed that could set a land speed record. Connor, however, wasn't finished shouting.
"I WOULD HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR IF YOU DIED, JUDE. IF I HADN'T MET YOU THAT DAY," He screamed, tears leaking down his face, "I WOULD HAVE JUMPED OFF THE ROOF OF THE FUCKING SCHOOL!"
To my left, I could hear Stef and Lena gasp in horror.
"I love you, so fucking much, Jude." He snarled at me, no longer shouting but still angry, "And you SAVED MY LIFE! You have other things to live for, Jude Adams Foster! You are THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO LIVE FOR! Even now, the only thing that stops me from carving up my arm with a FUCKING RAZOR BLADE, is you!"
"What do you mean, I'm all you have to live for?" I ask grumpily.
"It's true, Jude. You? You have so many things." He growled testily, starting to calm down a little bit more, "You have two moms, happily married, who love you. You have a dad who loves you and is trying like hell to be the dad you deserve to have, despite the past. You have Callie, you have Jesus, you have Brandon, you have Mariana. You have me. You have all these people who would kill to help you, and keep you safe."
"You have them too!" I interject loudly, "And You have your mom and dad. They're on the verge of getting back together! You have your Uncles, your Aunt, your cousins, your grandma..."
"Yeah, but it doesn't help." Connor interrupted sadly, "You know that I have depression, Jude. I told you that yesterday. I am surrounded by so many people, and the only one of them in this world that actually CAN help me, is you. Every time I think about the possibility of losing you, I feel the same thing. The same feeling of hopelessness, sadness, worthlessness..."
He takes another calming breath.
"If I lost that... then I'd be right back where I was the day I met you." Connor said, "That's a feeling that I never want to feel again. So, I'm sorry if I seem a little hesitant to let you do something so dangerous without trying to talk you out of it first. If me wanting you to be safe is a problem, then maybe we should just break up. Because you being safe and back to being just my best friend, is better than you being in danger and being my boyfriend."
"I don't want to break up with you." I said shakily.
"I don't either." Connor agreed, "But this where I draw the line, Jude. I love you, and I don't want our relationship to end this soon, but that's where I stand. If you're still gonna do this, then we're not boyfriends anymore."
I could see in his eyes that he was serious.
Deadly serious.
I turned to look at moms. They were both standing there, staring at us with looks of pure shock on their faces. I looked at Evan, who was giving us a sad look. I look back at Connor.
Was it really worth it? To throw away something that I had fought so hard to have just so I could learn how to shoot a gun. The decision made itself.
"Okay." I said quietly.
"What?" Connor asks.
"I said, okay." I said, "I won't learn to use a gun. I promise. Just... don't break up with me."
He nods, before extending his arms and motioning for me to give him a hug.
"Come here."
I do. I wrap my arms around his torso, as does he, gently so he doesn't cause me pain because of my damaged ribs. He places a kiss on my head.
"Sorry I called you an idiot." Connor said.
"Sorry I called you a dumbass." I said softly.
"Do you two still want to learn hand to hand fighting?" Evan asks from behind us, "Knives, throwing punches, that kind of thing?"
I pull back from the hug and look at Connor.
"Do you want to?" I ask him.
"Yeah, I can handle knives and throwing' punches." He agreed, "Those aren't too extreme."
"Can we?" I ask, looking to Stef and Lena for their answers.
The shared a look and sighed in unison.
"If that's what you want?" Stef asked. I nodded.
"If you promise to be careful, and follow the rules that Evan lays down, then we have no problem with it." Lena said.
"We promise." Connor and I said synchronously.
I turned to Connor.
"Want to go upstairs for a while?" I ask. He nods.
We head up to my bedroom and enter, leaving the door open. We sit down on the edge of my bed, and I reach for his hand, threading my fingers through his.
"I think we just had our first fight." I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
Connor snorted.
"Yeah." Connor said with a snicker, "I mean we've fought before, but that was the first time we've ever had a shouting match."
"And we made it through it."
"Yeah, we did." Connor agreed.
I leaned in and gave him a kiss.
"I love you."
"I love you too, JJ." Connor said.
"Let's agree that the next time we get into a disagreement, we'll sit down and talk it out and compromise so we don't end up screaming at each other again."
"I can agree to that," Connor said, "Because I realized that I really don't like it when we scream at each other. It's making me feel really bad."
"I'm sorry." I said sheepishly, "You made me see sense, though. You're right. Learning shoot was probably a bad idea."
We laid down on the bed and enjoyed the comfortable silence. Connor rolled over on his side and snuggled into my side. I closed my eyes and threaded my fingers through his hair, petting him like a dog. I pressed a couple of kisses to the top of his head, and it wasn't long before Connor ended up falling asleep. About twenty minutes later, Stef came in a draped a blanket over the two of us. It wasn't very long afterwards when I followed Connor into the bliss of unconsciousness.
AN#2: Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and as usual please leave a review and any ideas you have as prompts are welcome and encouraged.