A/N: Sorry this chapter is so long. In addition to a therapy session with Hotch following his recent trauma, there are a lot of loose ends to wrap up before the epilogue which is next.

Chapter 69

Doctor Amanda Carson leaned back in her plush chair, her long legs crossed, and her arms crossed over her chest. She stared patiently at the man seated in front of her, waiting for him to begin. While the agent asked for an appointment as-soon-as-possible, she realized one thing from earlier appointments. It didn't mean he would start talking right away. Early on she discovered Aaron Hotchner was a complicated man, and sometimes needed prodding to get him to talk. This was one such time.

And although he'd been able to walk short distances with little help, she didn't want to press her luck. She personally brought him to her office in a wheelchair. She positioned the chair beside her desk and locked the wheels. There had been nothing but silence between both of them the entire time, and it continued even after reaching her office. She glanced at her watch and back at the patient. If Hotch didn't start talking soon, she would have to persuade him to talk somehow.

"Agent Hotchner, I rescheduled an appointment with another patient as you said it was important for you to speak with me as soon-as-possible."

Hotch kept silent staring at his lap. He wanted so badly to talk about what happened hours earlier with Nathan Foyet in his room; he really did. Trouble is, he didn't have any idea how or where to start.

"Aaron?"

Hotch lifted his head and looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry. I…I need to speak with you about what happened. I want to…really…but I have no idea where to begin."

"Let me help you get started then. I have talked to several of my co-workers about what took place in your room after two this morning. And I have also spoken a bit to Agent Rossi and Doctor Reid. So why don't we begin there? Tell me what happened, in your own words, when Nathan Foyet came into your room?"

After he closed his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose before opening them again. He took in and let out a deep breath through his mouth to steady himself, and began to speak slowly and clearly as the shrink listened closely. Any questions would have to wait until he finished. She feared if she stopped or interrupted him, he might stop talking completely, and bury his feelings. And she understood he needed to get the feelings suffered from his recent trauma off his chest if he wanted to move past it. So she waited until he finished talking, and stared at her with sad, haunted eyes.

"Aaron, how did you react when you realized Foyet had entered your room?"

Hotch hung his head, and picked at the cuticles of his left hand. Similar to how Emily Prentiss did when nervous. "I…I don't want to think about it."

"But you need to think about it. In fact, it's important that you do. It's a simple question. I'm asking you, despite all the arrangements you made, how you reacted when Nathan Foyet still got into your room."

Hotch shrugged his shoulders. "I…I guess it surprised me, but only for a minute. But it shouldn't have." He lifted his head. "What I mean to say is that we profiled he would come after me. It's what we wanted him to do instead of hurting another innocent person or child. I guess I didn't realize it would be that soon even though we also profiled him as an impatient man."

"What told you he became impatient?"

Hotch chewed his lower lip. "He proved it by going after Nurse Davies so quickly since he was unable to get to me. And all the added security around me only fueled his frustration and anger by denying him access to me at every turn. And it was this impatience and frustration which caused him to go after the nurse."

Carson nodded her understanding. "In other words, he had an itch which needed to be scratched. And because he was unable to get to you, he sought out a substitute to take your place. And that substitute was Nurse Davies."

Hotch nodded. His expression told Carson her patient was still guilty over the death of an innocent nurse. But that was something best discussed at another time.

"How else did you react?"

Hotch sighed. "After the nurse was killed, that's when I decided I needed to draw his attention to me completely. And the only way to do that was to make myself totally accessible to him. And once I did that, there was no doubt he'd come after me. I guess I didn't realize it would be this soon." He paused a second then continued. "It's like having a bad nightmare, y'know. You want someone to wake you from it so it will end. But you aren't eager to be awakened because you'll have to talk about the nightmare. But I'm still scared even though the nightmare is finally over for me."

"Sounds to me like you faced your nightmare and won. You're alive. So what exactly is scaring you?"

Hotch massaged his temples with his thumb and forefinger. "I have no idea."

"Yes you do, Aaron," Carson said leaning forward with arms on her thighs, clasped hands between her knees staring directly at him. "Tell me."

"But I have no idea."

"Yes you do. Tell me what scares you."

Hotch, struggling to control himself, began shaking his head back-and-forth, mumbling incoherently.

"Tell me," she insisted.

Hotch glared at her with moist eyes blazing. He felt cornered and bullied, and he came out swinging. "I didn't realize until afterward how close I came to being assaulted this time, and then dying! Satisfied? Is that what you want me to say?" A tear rolled down his cheek as his emotions burst to the surface with a vengeance getting the better of him. "From the start, I buried all thoughts of dying and of Foyet getting to me with having taken all precautions. We left nothing to chance. I…I guess I refused to even consider he might get to me before being stopped. But he got to me anyway. And he…he…he put me in that humiliating position…" The tears now cascaded down his cheeks uninterrupted, but he didn't seem to care as the terrifying memory returned. His voice shook. "…that vulnerable, humiliating position…on my knees, naked, my butt in the air, and unable to fight back."

"Because he injected you with a drug that both paralyzed you as well as kept you from calling out for help."

"Yes." Hotch hung his head in shame. He'd been made to appear naked and exposed again by Carson same as Foyet had.

"What else did he do after that?" she asked gently urging the man to continue.

"I…I'm not really sure. But he…he touched my butt. I hated his hand on me."

"Did it remind you of anything?"

As if in a daze, Hotch nodded, his wet, red eyes unfocused and staring at nothing. "I…I suspect it had to do with him touching me the first time. I'm not sure because I don't remember the first time. But from what I've been told, his hands were all over my body. He touched me in places only my late wife ever touched me." His lower lip quivered and he began to sob again. "He…he was intimate with me sexually. I'd only ever been intimate with Haley, and he did things to me even my wife never did. And all I could think of was I can't let that happen to me again."

"He drugged you then as well, if I remember."

"Yes. And I couldn't fight back then either. And despite having no memory of what happened then, this time would be different." He squeezed his eyes shut and moaned as if in pain like an animal, injured and caught in a trap unable to get free.

"How would it be different this time?"

"He…he told me the difference is this time I would remember everything he'd do to me."

"How did you react realizing you would not only be awake, but feel everything that happened this time?"

"It scared the hell out of me."

Now we're getting somewhere. To admit he was scared is a big step for him. Carson mulled over her next question. "Why did it scare you? Can you tell me?"

Hotch's eyes took on a more haunted look. "He…he told me when he finished raping me, he intended to put himself in my mouth and rape me again. Then he… he intended to…to sodomize me with a knife and cut open my rectum. He said he was then going to…to cut off my penis and…and keep it for a souvenir. And finally, he was going to cut my throat and watch me go into shock and bleed out." The tears cascaded down his face again as the rest of the memories came flooding back.

Carson hid her horror hearing the agent describe what Nathan Foyet planned to do to him. But something else troubled her. Something the agent hadn't disclosed to her yet.

"He said something else to you, didn't he? Something else that scared you even more, didn't it?"

Hotch squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. "He…he saw the stuffed bear and note from my son on the window sill. He told me he was glad to find out I had a child, and hoped it was a boy. He…he said he liked men and small boys the best."

"How did you respond hearing that?"

"I was so angry. Just imagining of him touching my son made me want to commit murder!"

Carson appeared thoughtful for a few seconds. "I would react the same way if it had been my child." She glanced briefly at the framed photo of her daughter on her desk, then back at the agent. "Tell me, Aaron, other than being afraid for your son, how did Foyet gaining access to you and having you at his mercy affect you?"

He raised his head and stared at the ceiling as he let out a deep sigh. "I…I was scared I was going to die!"

A small smile appeared on her face, but Carson hid it well. At last! She had gotten Aaron to admit fear, and that had been a major revelation for the agent. She sensed the man had buried his emotions since he developed his plan. But if she could find a way to get him to drop those shields he kept around himself would be a start.

"It's all right, Aaron. Do you need a few minutes to collect yourself and keep going? We can also stop for today if you want. The choice is yours."

Hotch wiped the moisture off his cheeks and struggled to collect himself. "I…I want to keep going. I need to keep going."

Carson smiled gently at the man. "Then we'll continue. You just told me you were afraid you were going to die. What caused you to think that?"

Hotch exhaled through his mouth, his red, wet eyes staring at the doctor. "The moment he removed my gown, turned me onto my stomach, and got me on my knees, I had no doubt he would do what he said. That's when his hands touched my butt. I tried to get away but I couldn't move or cry out for help. And I didn't see or hear Spencer."

"That's Doctor Spencer Reid, correct?"

"Yes." Hotch's lower lip started to tremble again. "I became scared he might have left the room before Foyet came in, or...or Foyet had done something to him."

"By something, do you mean drugged or maybe even killed him?"

"Yes. I…I thought…" Aaron paused and hung his head.

"What did you think, Aaron?"

"I…if Reid had been killed, then I deserved what I got and pay for my mistake."

Of all the answers Carson had been expecting, this wasn't one of them. She tilted her head a bit to the side.

"I don't understand. What do you mean by your mistake? According to Agent Rossi and Doctor Reid, your plan was risky, but solid. You accounted for all possibilities. And although they both said they didn't agree with it, they were determined to make it work to the best of their ability. So I don't understand your logic. If Foyet had killed Doctor Reid or another member of your team, it wouldn't be your fault. As you have so often told me in our earlier sessions, if something bad happens, it's the fault of the bad guy. So again I ask you why you assume if someone on your team had been killed, you should die yourself. Isn't death a risk you and your team take while on a case?"

Hotch looked completely drained and pale. He spoke so softly that Carson had to lean close to hear him.

"I guess…"

Carson's eyes narrowed. "I'll tell you what I see. I see after everything your team went through to make sure its leader was safe and protected, you now sit here and tell me you were willing to die. Willing to let your team and son suffer after your death because one of them died doing their job. If that's what you truly believe, why did you even bother to have them waste their time, and carry out your plan? That sounds purely selfish on your part to me." She really didn't find him selfish, but she needed to drive home her point. Needed him to see the truth.

Hotch nervously swallowed the lump which had formed in his throat. "You sound like Dave did a couple of days ago. He called me selfish."

"You might not want to hear this, but I agree with him."

Hotch's eyes widened with surprise. "I'll tell you the same thing I told him. I'm not selfish."

"You could have fooled me based on what you've told me."

"How can you say that about me? You don't even know me."

"I know enough based on our sessions together. Your willingness to die, yet still having your team carry out your plan confirms it. That's like you let them waste their time protecting you."

"That's a lie!" Aaron found himself raising his voice as tears started to fall.

"Then convince me otherwise."

"I…I can't. Please don't make me say it," he begged.

"Aaron, all you've done so far is tell me you would have been responsible. But you haven't told me why you believe that."

"It…it's my job to keep my team safe, not theirs to keep me safe. If one of them had died, that meant I overlooked or missed something with my plan."

"Agent Hotchner, I'm sure you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Even with the best laid plans, thing can go wrong. You know it and I'm sure your team does as well. And with the dangerous work you do, there will be risks."

"I know that."

"Tell me something." Her voice was softer than earlier. "Did you take all necessary precautions with this plan of yours?"

"I did but that…"

"But nothing, Aaron. All one can do is take all necessary precautions and hope things go according to plan. You are profilers, not mind readers. Agent Rossi tells me you go by someone's behavior when predicting what they'll do. But if they decide to do something completely different from what their behavior tells you, you can't fault yourself. Also, he told me you had no information on this Nathan Foyet. Face it, Aaron, you are not infallible. Nor are you selfish or willing to die. In fact, you'd do all you can to come home to your son. Example, you took all the necessary precautions. If Doctor Reid had left the room for whatever reason, that also isn't your fault. In addition, I understand the stuffed bear in your room had cameras and microphones inside which was being monitored by your technical analyst. Don't you think if something had happened to Doctor Reid that there would have been an alarm raised by Miss Garcia? From what you've told me, she would have had agents storming into your room to find out what happened, and stop Foyet."

Hotch hung his head. He was so ashamed right now. He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "I…I'm so sorry. I know you're right but I can't get my brain to accept it. All I can see is my failure if something had gone wrong."

Amanda decided to try a different tactic. "Aaron, let's back-track a bit. You said Doctor Reid shot and killed Nathan Foyet. From what I could piece together, Foyet had a gun. How did Doctor Reid get the drop on him so quickly?"

"Reid told me Garcia had kept in touch with him over his earpiece. She had seen Foyet put a gun and a knife on the bed within his reach. He said when he confronted Foyet and ordered him to get away from me, Garcia had already alerted him. He believed if he could catch Reid unaware, he'd get the drop on him and kill him."

"So what you're telling me is when Doctor Reid confronted Nathan Foyet, he already knew that he had a gun and was intent on using it."

Hotch nodded. Suddenly a change of expression appeared on his face as what the doctor was trying to get him to see came to him. The edges of his mouth began to curl upward. He had to admit to himself there was a sense of relief coming over him instead of the doom and self-hatred when he first arrived in Carson's office. It was as if a weight pressing down on him had been lifted.

"Did Foyet obey the order to get away from you?"

"No. He…he told Reid he was interfering in his time with me and couldn't allow that. He…he ordered Reid to leave."

"I see. And what did Doctor Reid do then?"

"I…I'm not exactly sure. As I said before, I couldn't see. But suddenly there was a gunshot. Somebody fell on top of me. I was so scared it was Reid who had been shot."

"When did you find out Foyet had been shot?"

Hotch let out a deep breath. "After a few minutes, somebody moved the weight off of me, and gently turned me onto my back. It was Reid. He then covered me with a blanket so nobody would see my naked body. He was so caring and gentle."

Carson leaned back again in her chair and again crossed her legs and folded her arms across her chest.

"So Nathan Foyet is dead now?"

"Yes."

"How does that make you feel, Aaron? To know the agent you feared was dead, or about to be killed in front of you, got the drop on your assailant?"

"Proud." A slight smile appeared on Hotch's face.

"How so?"

"Reid not only saved his own life, but mine as well."

"And how relieved were you realizing Foyet's dead and can't hurt you anymore?"

"Relieved and sad at the same time."

"Explain."

"I'm relieved he's dead because he can't hurt me, my son, or anybody else anymore. But I'm sad because I'm the one who wanted to kill him. Just like…like…" he didn't finish his sentence.

"Like you had George Foyet?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes." Hotch spotted a small smile beginning on the doctor's face. "Why are you smiling, doc, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I'm smiling, Agent Hotchner, because you just had a breakthrough considering your most recent trauma."

"I don't understand. How did I do that?"

"Because you admitted you were afraid instead of burying your feelings this time. You are now ready to heal emotionally."

Doctor Carson pushed the wheelchair down the hall and toward his room. Hotch leaned back in his chair studying the fingers of his good hand. With a sigh, he hung his head feeling so ashamed right now. He rubbed his eyes with his right hand. "I…I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being such a jackass. I…I never meant…"

"Aaron, all I care about is helping you heal emotionally and completely. Nothing else matters."

"Can I ask you something?" he asked looking up at her over his shoulder.

"You can ask me anything you want to ask. What is it?"

"Don't take this the wrong way because you've been a big help to me. But when do you think I won't need to talk to you again?"

Carson chuckled. "Oh, you're getting there, agent. You've come a long way since we first met. But you still need several more sessions. But rest assured you are getting there."

"How many more sessions is several?"

"I'd say we should meet twice a week until you're ready to be discharged. And before you ask, that depends on Doctor Correa so you'd have to ask him. Here we are," she stated as they were outside Hotch's room. As she turned the door handle, Carson opened the door and was caught by surprise when the door was held open. She recognized Dave Rossi, as she wheeled Hotch into his room. She greeted JJ, Reid, Morgan, Prentiss, and Garcia who all stared at their Unit Chief with concerned expressions. It was clear to her that Hotch had been caught off guard by their presence as well.

"What are you guys doing here?" he asked wide-eyed. "I thought you'd all gone back to the BAU after earlier today." Spotting their concern, he wiped the back of his hand against his eyes. "I'm fine," he added with a passive look. "I had a small emotional meltdown, that's all."

Rossi, knowing Aaron better than anybody else, smirked. "I knew you'd be glad to see us. But really, Aaron, crying? There's no crying in the BAU." The others, including Hotch, laughed relieving the tension in the room. Even Doctor Carson chuckled.

"Don't flatter yourself, Dave. It was your ugly mug that brought me to tears."

The team laughed again and Rossi remained quiet, but a smirk appeared. "Hey, I'm Italian so be careful. I might have to make a phone call and have someone come and teach you respect for your elders, Aaron."

Emily glanced at JJ. "Probably one of those endless contacts he has," she teased.

JJ smirked. "I bet you're right."

"Hey, don't any of you tease my Italian Love God," defended Garcia feigning hurt feelings.

Hotch rolled his eyes as Carson moved his wheelchair closer to the bed, and locked the wheels. Aaron glanced over his shoulder up at her. "See what I have to put up with?" he joked.

"I'll leave you here with your friends, Aaron." She looked at the others and smiled. "It's nice to see you all again, but I have other patients to see, so I'll say goodbye." She quietly walked away and left the room.

Now alone, Hotch studied his team again. "I never got an answer to my question. What are you all doing here?"

Rossi chuckled. "Strauss gave us the rest of the day off after what happened this morning, and told us to leave the paperwork until tomorrow." He smirked when Hotch looked at him dubiously. "I'm serious, Aaron," he added. "We also told her we wanted to surprise your lazy ass. Why else would we be here?"

Hotch chuckled. "So you can check out that pretty nurse you told me about a few days ago?"

Garcia became enthusiastic. "Might there be a Mrs. Rossi number four in the making?"

"Bite your tongue, woman," Rossi feigned annoyance. "Who said anything about marriage? Besides, I like window-shopping."

Reid looked totally confused. But before he could ask anything, Rossi took pity on the younger agent and put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't listen to them, kid. They're both jealous of us Italians is all."

Reid was puzzled. "Us Italians? But I'm not Italian."

As Garcia, JJ, Emily and Morgan snickered, Rossi sighed and patted the genius's shoulder. "Figure of speech, kid. It's just a figure of speech."

"Oh, okay," Reid agreed not seeming satisfied, but decided to drop it for now. This was their time with Hotch.

Hotch stared at the shopping bag Garcia held in her hands, and started to worry, recalling Morgan telling him she was going to bring him something.

"I'm afraid to ask what's in the bag, Garcia," he asked.

"Bossman, you hurt my feelings," the tech analyst commented. "Didn't my Chocolate cupcake tell you I would be bringing you something?"

"He did, but knowing you I was still worried."

Garcia stepped closer, reaching into the bag. She pulled out a large aluminum tin.

"What's in there, Garcia?" asked Morgan eyeing the tin.

"You know me, my Chocolate Adonis. When I'm worried, scared or frightened, I go into a baking frenzy. So…" she said opening the lid. "I baked Mon Capitan's favorite…chocolate chip cookies." She held out the open tin toward Hotch who peeked inside the tin. His mouth started to water and reached inside grabbing a cookie.

The Unit Chief smirked. "Thank you, Garcia. I don't even have to take a bite to know they're going to be delicious. Everything you bake or cook is delicious." He took a bite of the cookie and sighed contentedly.

His sigh of contentment brought a smile to Garcia's face. She started to put the lid back on the tin when Morgan's voice stopped her.

"Hey, momma, we don't get no cookies?"

"These are for Hotch," she replied shyly. "If you want any you'll have to ask Mon Capitan."

"You're kiddin', right?" asked Prentiss with a smirk.

Garcia looked at her Unit Chief who licked his lips to get a bit of chocolate off his mouth. "These are so delicious, Penelope, it wouldn't be fair to keep them all to myself. Let's share them with the others."

"Only because you say so, my liege," Garcia replied with a grin as she held out the tin to share the cookies. Everybody took two until it came to Morgan. He reached a hand into the tin greedily. "Make sure you only take two, handsome," she reminded him. "I baked these for Hotch." After Morgan took his two, Garcia quickly replaced the lid on the tin and sat it on the night table beside Hotch's bed.

"Aren't you going to have any, Penelope?" asked Hotch.

"Not necessary, Bossman. When I bake I always make more than I should. Surely you didn't think I only made these," she said shyly. "I have more at home."

Hotch smiled after he finished his cookie. He realized he was so lucky. Lucky, grateful, and blessed to have these six people in his life especially during times of crisis or upheaval in his life. He believed now he'd make it through this. Thanks to Doctor Amanda Carson he understood this at last. Thanks to her and to the six people in front of him. Yes, you are indeed one very lucky man, Aaron Hotchner. Lucky and blessed. With that thought in mind, he continued watching the people in front of him. His smile widened.