Chapter 20: Discussion.

Disclaimer: I do not own The Fosters.

IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please leave a review. This is a heavily edited version of the first Chapter 20 that I uploaded. I read back through it, and realized that I didn't like it. It actually made me uncomfortable to read my own writing, which scared me. Then I checked the reviews and found that one reviewer agreed with me. I've always tried to please my readers, and seeing that I made one of them uncomfortable really hurts.

So, I deleted it from the site and re-uploaded an edited version. In this version, there is a time jump of four years, to when both Jude and Connor are 18 years old (Connor's Birthday in this story is August 5th) and in their senior year of high school. Also, I completely changed the ending of the chapter, which originally made it sound like they were just doing it for fun, to make it have a bit of a deeper feeling to it. This chapter, I am much happier with what I've written.

Connor's POV, November 23rd 2018:

The rest of middle school passed with what seemed like no time at all, and so did the first three years of high school. The whole of the remaining members of our group were seniors. Throughout high school, Jude and I's relationship continued to grow and evolve, and had only gotten stronger. I was still madly in love with him, and he was still madly in love with me. I had no doubt in my mind that nothing could tear us apart. I knew we would be together forever.

Jude and I were sitting in his bedroom doing our homework, five days after his 18th Birthday. My mind briefly meandered back to a moment years ago when we were in this same position, before we were officially together. Every few seconds, Jude's foot would rub against mine. The only sounds in the room were the scratching of my pencil and Jude's fountain pen, as well as the easy sound of our breathing. Every few seconds, I would hear Jude let out a little noise of dissatisfaction.

"You okay?" I asked him.

He looked up at me.

"Huh?"

"You keep grunting. What's wrong?" I asked.

"OH. Nothing, just this poem." He said, his pen scratching an addition onto the paper. He tapped his pen on the paper, "Dammit. Out of ink."

He hopped off the bed and marched over to his desk. He plucked one of the ink refills from his penholder and unscrewed the cap of the pen and inserted it. Instead of sitting down on the bed, he sat next to me on the floor and leaned his head on my shoulder. I smiled. Even after dating for almost five years, I still get a jolt of thrill when he shows affection.

"Still can't believe you're taking AP Poetry III."

Jude took Poetry I in eighth grade. He loved it so much, that in Freshman Year, he took Poetry II. Sophomore Year, he took AP Poetry. Junior Year? AP Poetry II. It boggled my mind that he can continue to come up with new stuff without dipping into his archive from previous years.

"Well, I like writing poetry, so... anyway. What are you working on?" He asked me.

"Work for creative writing III." I answered.

"Oh, and you make fun of me for taking AP Poetry III. Just because you waited two years to take it. What are you writing about?" He asked.

"Well, the assignment was to write something with angst." I said, "So I'm writing about our first fight, but I'm changing the names in the story."

"What, when we ended up screaming at each other over the whole gun thing?" He asked.

"Yep." I confirmed, "I couldn't think of anything else, and that was definitely angsty. "

He nodded.

"What are you working?" I asked him.

"Poetry. The assignment was to write a poem that told a dark story." He said.

"Really?" I asked, "What are you using?"

"Remember the day you came out to Jax and the guys?"

"Yeah, why?" I asked.

"You said that your dad had wanted to try to send you to a conversion camp out of state." He clarified, "I used that. Built on it, added undertones of insanity and a happy ending."

"You wrote a poem about a conversion camp victim?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"In about five minutes." He said, "I know. It's a bit strange. But it's the only thing I could think of."

"How's it turning out so far?" I asked.

"I've finished it three times." He said, "But I always find something wrong with it. This is as good as I think it's gonna get. It doesn't have as much graphic detail as the first draft did."

"You want me to read it?" I asked.

"You sure you want to?" He asked.

"I don't mind." I said, holding out my hand to take the notebook.

He handed it to me. I looked it over for a second and then began to read it aloud.

"I woke up in here today,
With my sanity beaten and frayed.
I have been betrayed
By those I love.

For now, I lay here crying
With my sanity slowly dying.
The fear I feel is intensifying
To the point of petrifying.

I lay in here
Trembling in fear.
They strapped me to the bed.
I need to get outta here, dammit!
NOTHINGS WRONG WITH MY HEAD!

Except the voices that speak to me,
Telling me to keep alive and breathing
From them all my pain is retreating.
They all agree with what I say.
I can be who I was Born to be.

Will hell's wonders ever cease?
The pain has just increased!
When the guard's beatings came,
It made my dad look tame

At night, the nightmares came
Eternal replay of a memory to blame
They're treating me this way
Because I came out gay.

They called me fag and fool,
They used me as a tool.
They were so depraved,
I became their slave.

They called me a disgrace
When they trapped me here.
Now I'm in a race
To escape this hell.

Daily the voices speak to me,
Telling me to keep alive and breathing.
From them my pain is retreating.
They all agree with what I say.
I can be who I was Born to Be

I refused to conform and obey.
It's MY FUCKING LIFE!
You don't get a say,
Cause I was BORN THIS WAY

Not long, was the wait.
I ran, and I made it to the gate.
I climbed the wall and jumped from the top.
I ran and ran and never stopped.

50 years has passed since the day.
So much has changed.
I'm still gay,
But now I'm married,
And the families still estranged.

Now I'm happy with who I am
If they can't bear it
If they don't like it
Guess what? I don't give a damn
I am who I am.

The voices no longer speak to me
I keep myself alive and breathing
Now from friends my pain is retreating
They all agree with me
I can be who I was Born to Be."

I turned to Jude and raised an eyebrow.

"Wow. Um. Well... it is dark. You were right about that." I said, "I liked the happy ending though."

"It's terrible isn't it?" Jude asked, dejected.

"No, it's a good poem." I assured him, "It shows that no matter how bad things get, they always get better if you fight for it."

"Oh. I didn't think of it like that." Jude said, thoughtfully, "That's good. I like that."

"You should show that to Jax and Jeremy." I said, "They could turn it into a groove metal song."

Jude guffawed at that.

"Oh god." He said, "I just might. I would love to see what they come up with."

Jeremy and Jax had become extremely close during our high school career. They had become as close as they could get without dating each other, which is never gonna happen since Jax is straight and with Daria and Jeremy is absolutely in love with Austin. They bonded over music, and since Jax played guitar, and Jeremy played bass, they started writing music together and enlisted Austin into singing, and Castor into playing drums with them in a makeshift band. They actually weren't that bad. They were actually pretty good. A lot better than Brandon's band ever was. They were actually able to record a eight song demo, courtesy of my Uncle Evan, who has a recording studio in his basement. So far, only Jude and I have been allowed to listen to it.

"Have they came up with a name for the band yet?" Jude asked.

"Yeah, Jeremy came up with the name. They're calling it Cold Embrace." I said.

"Isn't that a Testament song?" He asked.

I smiled softly.

"What?" He asked.

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"If somebody had told me when we started dating that you would end up being a metal head, I would have laughed in their face."

He laughed.

"I like it." He said, "It's not mind numbingly stupid and irritating like pop and rap is nowadays. I swear to god if I hear another rap song about making money, getting drunk, high, and laid, I might go on a rampage."

"Come on, some of it's not that bad."

"Maybe not for a troglodyte with no musical taste, no offense."

"Haha." I deadpanned, "I never said that I liked that crap, I'm just saying that not all pop and rap is like that. Macklemore has some good stuff."

"Yeah, I'll concede that." He said, "But other than him?"

"There's gotta be some other good ones out there." I said.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Never mind."

"How are things at home?" He asked.

"Good. Really good. It's nice to have the whole family together again." I said.

"How's your mom and dad doing now that they're back together?" He asked.

"They're happy." I said, smiling wide, "I'm happy. I can hardly believe how good things are going."

"How are you doing?" He asked, "With the whole depression thing?"

"Well, I'm doing a lot better. I still have bad days," I admit, "And I still have to take my anti depressants, but now, I have more good days than bad ones. I don't know whether or not it'll ever completely go away. But I'm optimistic."

"That's good." He said, "When was the last bad day you had?"

"Couple of weeks ago." I admit, "It was that day I didn't come to school. I woke up, and I just... I could barely get out of bed. I just felt really sad, and I didn't know why. I told mom and dad about it, and they called in and told the school that I wasn't coming in. I just laid in bed the whole day, until you came over after school to check on me. I started feeling a little bit better after that. You always make me feel better."

"Insert innuendo here." He joked.

I punched him on the arm jokingly.

"Shut up." I laughed, "I guess that's kind of a good thing though isn't it?"

"What is?" He asked.

"The fact that you can make sexual innuendos without looking like you wanna throw up." I said, " It's good to see that you're able to move past what Liam did to you. And you're more open to... you know... doing stuff."

"Well, I'm doing it with you." He said simply, albeit with a light blush on his cheeks, "I trust you. I love you. I know you're not gonna hurt me. I know you're not gonna push me to do anything I don't wanna do. I don't feel scared of it when it's with you."

"I'm still a little surprised that you're willing to do anything of that nature."

That's one thing I like about our relationship. We don't mince words. When we talk about our issues, like my depression and Jude's rape trauma, we never dance around anything. We can speak about sexual stuff, even if we do blush too deep a shade of red.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Well, we haven't done much." I said, "I'm just surprised you're willing to do anything. After what Liam did to you... If it was me that it had happened to, I don't think I would have been as strong."

"I know, and I'm still not ready for anything more than what we've already done." He said, "I won't be for a while. But what surprised you the most? I'm curious."

"Ummmmm. Honestly?" I asked with a blush, he nodded, "Probably when we first tried oral on your 18th Birthday."

"Really?" He asked, his blush equaling mine.

"Yeah."

"Why does that surprise you?"

"Well," I started, "The thing that surprised me, is that YOU brought it up, and said you wanted to try it. I thought I heard you wrong."

He laughed and shrugged.

"I know, you were so worried about me, it was almost like you tried to talk me out of it." He said, "I lost count of how many times you asked me if I was sure I was ready, if I was sure I wanted to do it, and how many times you said that we didn't have to and that we could wait. It makes me happy to know that you care so much."

He paused to draw breath.

"I... I just felt like I was ready, you know?" He said, "We've been together since seventh grade. Five years. I love you, more than anything in the world. Everything we do together... it's something special. It doesn't scare me as much anymore. It's done out of love, and it always makes me feel so safe when I'm with you. I just felt... like I was ready to feel something more with you, you know?"

I couldn't help but blush.

"Am I the only one out of the two us who thinks this is kind of surreal?"

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Just how far we've come. No pun intended." I explained, grinning at the glare he gave me, "In seventh grade, I was a hopeless closet case playing around with his best friends feelings like a kitten with a ball of yarn. Now, here we sit. My best friend's now my boyfriend, and we're having a very deep discussion about... well, you know... That."

He snorted a laugh.

"Such a way with words." He said, his voice thick with laughter.

"It's true though." I said.

"Yeah, it is." He admits, "Really surreal. In seventh grade, I couldn't imagine doing that without feeling sick at the thought. Now though..."

He trailed off and blushed.

"What?"

"Never mind. It's silly." He said.

"No. Tell me, it's okay." I assured him.

"It's just..." Jude said, "I never thought I'd be able to have this kind of relationship, after what Liam did to me, and I used to be terrified at the thought of it. I knew that it would have to be somebody really special to break through that wall, but... I never thought I would reach that point. But you... you're the only one I've ever felt safe with, comfortable with. You've never pushed me. You've always let me make the first moves, and you've always moved at my pace. I know that this'll last. I couldn't be myself, my true self, with anybody but you. I know it's cliché, but... you're my soul mate, Connor."

I couldn't stop the smile that came over my face, as I leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips.

"I love you so much, Jude." I said, smiling widely, "I know we used to have our doubts about how long we would last, but I think you're right. We've been through so much together. We've weathered every storm that the world has thrown at us. You've been so many firsts for me. My first crush. My first kiss that meant something. My first, and only, and probably last, boyfriend. My first real date. My first dance. And I know that someday, we'll be each other's husband too. I don't need to... to have sex to know that we'll always be together, and I don't care how long it takes... as long as you're my first, it'll be worth it. As long as I'm with you, the sun could die and the Earth could freeze, and I'd be the happiest man on Earth."

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I could see that Jude was in the same boat.

He leaned in a cupped my cheek with his hand, caressing it with his thumb, and choked out a teary laugh, as he leaned in and pressed another loving kiss to my lips. He wrapped his arms around my torso, and cuddled up with me, our homework discarded and forgotten.

In that moment, nothing else in the world mattered. As long as Jude was in my arms, I could take on any challenge that the world could throw our way.

And there was no place I would rather be.

AN#2: Please leave a review. The next chapter will be up by the time the new episode airs next Monday.