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Chapter 8: Continuing
Harry woke what felt like only seconds after he'd fallen asleep. Sunlight streamed through the partly open curtains, falling across his face and making it impossible to go back to sleep even if he'd wanted to. He moved to sit up, but found himself pinned to the floor. He looked and saw a head of dark blonde hair just below his chin. Apparently Tonks had fallen asleep on the same pillow she'd used to pin him to the ground. Not wanting to wake her and not at all bothered by her presence, Harry stayed on his back, replaying his potion dream again and filing it away with Occlumency so he wouldn't lose any details.
Just as he finished, he remembered why he was asleep on the sitting room floor and not in his bed. Remus! He'd probably been through a hellish night, and Harry had promised to help him back to the house. Carefully, Harry slid out from under Tonks, lowering the pillow holding her head back onto the floor. Then he grabbed a jumper and pulled it over his pajamas. It was well after sunrise. Harry hoped, as he pulled on his trainers, that Remus was still sleeping, and not trying to drag his bruised self back to the cottage alone.
Harry made sure he had his wand, then quietly slipped out of the house. The cool morning air nipped at his hands and cheeks as he headed into the woods. Having helped Remus pick the spot, Harry knew where to go. He found the pile of supplies Remus had left with, as well as his robes, at the base of a tree, a mild protection spell around it. On top of the pile was Remus's wand. Harry cancelled the spell and picked up the wand and a blanket, then followed the wand to its owner. Remus had cleverly enchanted it to lead Harry to him for just such an occasion as this.
It wasn't long before Harry found his surrogate father. He lay a few hundred meters away near a stand of trees. He was bloodied and bruised, but nothing looked too serious. His face was pale and drawn in pain even as he slept, looking utterly spent. Swallowing a sudden lump in his throat, Harry laid the blanket over his pale body and very gently shook his shoulder. Remus moaned softly but allowed Harry to help him to his feet. Remus didn't say a word as they headed back, though he leaned heavily on Harry. Perhaps his silence was merely due to exhaustion, but Harry was fairly certain it was because Remus hated being seen at his weakest moment, especially by Harry, and was ashamed of it.
Harry retrieved the supplies while Remus pulled his trousers on. Then they walked together back to the house. Remus still leaned heavily on Harry and he was limping. Swallowing hard, Harry helped him to bed and tended to his wounds. It appeared Moony had turned on himself in the night, as there were fresh claw marks across his stomach and many bruises where the wolf must have thrown himself at a tree. Remus's ankle was also badly twisted, as though he'd stepped in a hole by accident. Luckily nothing was too serious and he would be fine in a few days.
"Thank you, Harry," Remus said quietly as Harry finished. His voice was hoarse.
"Don't thank me. I'm just doing what any good son would do." Harry had meant to say friend. Where had son come from? But Harry had no desire to take it back—he'd meant it.
Remus started a bit in surprise, then a soft smile spread across his lined face, making him look several years younger. "Thank you, cub." Remus's eyes were strangely wet. Harry just smiled.
"Take care, Moony. Don't worry about us. In fact, I think we'll do a bit of shopping to let you rest in peace." Harry's answer was a light snore from Remus. Harry smiled and tucked the covers more securely around his surrogate father's sleeping form before leaving the room.
Harry entered the kitchen to find a plate of bacon on the stove. The faint, acrid smell of carbon reached his nostrils. Harry wrinkled his nose; Tonks had burned it, and was on her second attempt if the pile of charred bacon was anything to go by. Tonks turned around and smiled sheepishly as Harry eyed the popping frying pan warily.
"I tried, okay?" she said defensively, putting her hands on her hips.
Harry smirked. "I wasn't going to say anything. You saved me the trouble. And before you ask, Moony is fine. A little banged up, but he'll be back on his feet in no time. He's sleeping now. I figured we could go shopping for research material today while he rests."
Tonks nodded. "Good idea. I'll leave this here with a warming charm on it for when he wakes."
"I'm sure he'll appreciate that. But he'll give you no end to grief for your first try," Harry teased. Tonks huffed and Vanished the burnt attempt. Harry snatched three pieces out of the frying pan before Tonks turned off the stove and cast the warming spell. Then she disappeared into her room to get ready for the day.
Harry did the same and changed into proper clothing—jeans and a dark green t-shirt under a light jumper. He played a bit with his morphing as well, fading his scar from view and lengthening his dark hair until it could be pulled away from his face by a leather thong. It was a style he was quickly becoming partial to as it was about the only style his hair wasn't unmanageable in. He passed the time until Tonks was ready to sort his memories of the previous day as he hadn't done it the previous night. He'd begun the practice shortly after beginning his Occlumency training because it was easier to sort through older memories when the recent ones weren't cluttering his mind.
It wasn't long before Tonks reappeared, dressed but still looking a little worse for wear. Her dark hair only sported pink tips rather than being entirely colored and her face looked a little haggard from lack of sleep. She peeked into Remus's room briefly to confirm what Harry had said before, then she joined Harry by the door.
"So where to?" she asked brightly, though it seemed a tad forced.
"Aside from restocking the kitchen and potions ingredients, I was thinking we could go to a muggle library. I think they'd have better information than anything from Flourish and Blotts."
"Sounds good enough for me. Let's go," Tonks said, and grabbed his arm. They side-along apparated to Diagon Alley and after a brief stop at Gringotts for money they quickly restocked on the essentials—potions ingredients and supplies, parchment and quills, and a few other things. They glanced in Flourish and Blotts just in case, and Harry discovered a more complete guide to the animagus transformation. But there were no anatomy books on wolves or lynxes, so their next stop was a muggle library a ten-minute's walk from the Leaky Cauldron.
After browsing a bit, Harry and Tonks found a goldmine. There was an entire section on wolves, the lynx, and birds of prey among many other animals. Harry chose two books that were basically a comprehensive list of the different species and brought them to a table, where he began thumbing through them, looking for a photograph that matched what he'd seen. Tonks joined him shortly after with a stack of books and a disgruntled but determined expression.
After about an hour's worth of studying, Harry could name both his forms. His wolf form turned out to be a red wolf. After reading a little more about it, Harry felt it was a fair but not completely accurate match to his personality. Pack-oriented, protective, and playful. Then he read about the bird, which turned out to be a kite, and found the missing pieces—independent, settled, and non-aggressive. Harry was simultaneously amazed and amused at his findings on his animagus animals. Apparently magic knew him better than he knew himself. Having discovered this, Harry returned to the shelves to find books specifically on his animals.
Some time later, Harry and Tonks left the library with several books apiece, though Harry had more as he had two animals to study. It was nearly two in the afternoon as well, so they stowed their books and ate lunch at a muggle restaurant nearby before returning to the cottage.
Upon returning, Harry decided to get right into studying, wanting to be ready for the next full moon so he could actually help Remus. Tonks joined him, clearly reluctant but determined all the same. After a few hours, Harry's brain couldn't take anymore, so he put away the books where Remus wouldn't stumble across them accidentally and started dinner—after that morning's incident with the bacon, Harry didn't trust her in the kitchen.
After he and Tonks had eaten, Harry prepared a plate and brought it to Remus, who was still resting and recovering. He knocked and heard a faint, "Come in!" Harry pushed open the door to find Remus struggling to sit up, but he smiled in greeting when Harry stepped inside.
Harry set the plate on the bedside table and helped Remus sit up. "How are you feeling, Moony?" he asked.
"Still a little sore, but much better than this morning," Remus answered, wincing a little as he reached for the plate of food. Harry grinned and shook his head, handing Remus his dinner. Remus smiled a little sheepishly as he took it and began to eat.
"So what were you and Dora up to today? The house was quiet all day long."
"Tonks and I went out to stock up on some things. We wanted to make sure you got enough rest," Harry answered.
"Well, thank you for that, Harry. I appreciate it."
"You're welcome," Harry replied. They chatted idly while Remus finished up. Harry Vanished the dirty dishes then turned to his surrogate father. "Can I check your injuries, just to be sure they're healing properly?"
Remus nodded and tossed back the covers to reveal his bandaged stomach. Gently Harry unwound the bandages. The cuts were healing, but slowly. Carefully Harry reapplied the essence of dittany and rebandaged them. Then he checked Remus's ankle, which was much better. But Harry insisted that Remus rest a few more days so as not to strain any of his injuries. Remus protested at first, stubborn as always, but finally relented with a sheepish grin.
The next few days passed calmly. Harry kept up with his practical studies working with Tonks, and he also spent as much time as possible working on his animagus transformation, knowing it would be much harder once Remus was up and about again. So far he was still only studying and trying to memorize all the characteristics of the red wolf, the animal he'd chosen to focus on first. Tonks joined him whenever she could, just as determined as Harry to master the transformation as soon as possible.
One day, about three days after the full moon, Harry was studying his animagus form with Tonks when something occurred to him.
"Hey, Tonks? I was just thinking. How come my fur is red if my hair is black? Doesn't hair color usually determine the animal's coloring?"
Tonks shrugged. "Usually, but not always. For example, me. My hair can be any color of the rainbow, but my fur's white—or brown, if it's summer."
"Your natural hair is brown, though, isn't it? And Sirius's fur was black, like his hair. My fur is red, but my hair is black."
Tonks suddenly turned a rather calculating look toward Harry. "Is it, though?" she said, more to herself than to Harry.
"What?" Harry asked, confused.
"I can't believe I haven't taught you this yet! This is the first thing a metamorphmagus should know!" Tonks went on ranting, still not directly addressing Harry.
"What are you on about, Tonks?" Harry demanded.
"Your natural form, of course. Every metamorphmagus has one. It's what you would look like if you didn't have metamorphmagus abilities."
"Oh," Harry said, a little dumbly. "But isn't this my natural form?" he asked, gesturing to himself—glasses, longish but still untamable black hair (though today with a few streaks of dark blue), emerald green eyes, etc.
"It might be, or it might not be. I can teach you how to find out now, if that's okay," Tonks said.
Harry shrugged. "All right. I dunno if mine will change, but we'll see. How do I do it?"
"First, you have to relax," Tonks began. "I'd imagine your Occlumency studies will help with that. Then you have to drop all the morphs you've made. It takes a willingness to reveal the 'real you,' so to say, but it's not difficult. However, it is a rather personal experience."
"Sounds easy enough. Can I try?"
Tonks shrugged. "Sure. But like I said, it's a rather personal experience. Are you sure you want me to be here, or would you rather be alone?"
"You can stay. Like I said, I doubt it will change much, and I trust you," Harry answered.
Tonks smiled. "Thanks for the vote of confidence. Ready?"
"Ready," Harry said.
"All right. Close your eyes; it will be easier to concentrate." Harry did so. "Then try to take away all the changes you've made to your appearance. Yes, that means the blue streaks have to go," she teased.
"Witch," Harry stuck his tongue out at her, grinning. But he did so. He imagined all his morphing melting off him. It took some mental effort, and several moments passed with no success. He heard Tonks mutter an incantation, and peeked to see she her conjure a mirror in the center of the room. Smiling a little, Harry persevered, and shortly after he suddenly felt as though he'd relaxed a muscle he hadn't realized was tensed. He felt all his morphing slide off him like water off an oiled surface, and Tonks gasped. Hesitantly, not sure what to expect now, Harry opened his eyes.
The first thing Harry noticed was that he couldn't see; everything was a blur. So he did the only logical thing—he took off his glasses, and everything became clear. Then he looked in the mirror. The figure looking back at him had rusty auburn hair with dark undertones. His cheekbones were a little less sharp, his face a little fuller. His eyes remained the same emerald green color, but acquired flecks of gold. In short, rather than being a mirror of James Potter with Lily Evan's eyes, he was a perfect blend of them both.
Being able to see both of his parents in himself, knowing that this was his natural form, Harry suddenly felt a sharp pang of mixed longing and grief for their death that he'd never felt before. He sank to his knees in front of the mirror, struggling to hold back tears. He sensed Tonks kneel beside him and an arm fell around Harry's shoulders, squeezing gently. He leaned into her, taking strength from her support, and let the tears fall.
Some time later Harry calmed but didn't move. Tonks squeezed his shoulders tighter. "It surprised both of us, I suppose," she said. Harry nodded, scrubbing his eyes dry.
"Thanks," he said, a little hoarsely.
"So how do you feel about it?" Tonks asked cautiously.
"I'm not sure I ever want to morph again," Harry answered, his voice quiet. "I…I miss them, and this makes it harder. But at the same time…I feel closer to them like this."
Tonks squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. "It's okay to have mixed feelings, especially in this case. Give it some time."
Harry nodded and took a deep breath to regain complete control. "Thanks again," he said with a small smile. Tonks just grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. Then she stood and helped him to his feet. Harry glanced at his animgus books on the floor and at his watch. It was getting close to dinner time. "Is there anything else you want to show me before I start dinner?" he asked. Tonks shook her head.
"You're doing fine. Just keep practicing your morphing, and once Remus is on his feet again we'll get into real transfiguration."
Harry nodded and gathered his books. He put them in his trunk, in the compartment that would only open for him to keep Remus from finding them. Then, because there was still time and he was still curious, Harry went into the bathroom and faced his reflection in the mirror. It was exactly as he remembered it—auburn hair, gold flecks in his eyes, etc. Harry felt that same stab of longing as he recognized both his parents in his own reflection, but not quite as overwhelming. And after a moment's deliberation, Harry nodded to himself. He briefly closed his eyes and let his appearance resume that of earlier in the day, then resolutely set his course for Remus's room.
Harry knocked and heard Remus's "come in!" So Harry pushed the door open and stepped inside, closing the door behind him.
"Ready to lift my sentence, then?" Remus quipped upon seeing who had entered.
Harry grinned. "One more day if you're good," he replied. "Actually…I wanted to show you something."
"Oh?" Remus raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. Tonks helped me find my natural form this afternoon."
"And you want to show it to me?" Remus asked, and Harry nodded. "Are you sure? I know from Dora that it's quite a personal thing."
"You're family, Moony. If I can't show you, I can't show anyone," Harry answered, though he felt butterflies start in his stomach.
Remus smiled. "Thank you, cub. I'm ready when you are, then."
Harry nodded and closed his eyes, concentrating like he had earlier. It was easier, though he had to consciously decide not to simply morph into his form. After a moment, Harry again felt the sensation of all his morphing fading away, and Remus gasped, just as Tonks had.
"Harry…" he began, seeming shell-shocked.
Harry didn't know how to reply so he didn't, and Remus said nothing for what felt like a very long time. As the silence stretched on, doubts crept into Harry's mind. What if Remus didn't want the reminder of his lost friends? What if he wanted Harry to look like his father? What if Remus only liked him because Harry reminded him of James? To his shame Harry felt tears pricking his eyes again, but for a different reason as old fears climbed to the surface. Tonks had accepted it easily, as had Harry himself. Everything had been so simple. He'd never even considered what he'd do if Remus didn't accept him. Unconsciously Harry took a step backward, preparing to flee so he could nurse his wounds in private and berate himself for thinking it could be that easy.
Remus saw it, could read the struggle on his face. "Harry. Come here, cub," he said, gently but firmly. Harry looked up and saw Remus's arms open, concerned but smiling. Without letting himself second-think it, Harry all but flung himself into his surrogate father's arms. Remus pulled the shaking teen into his arms, holding him with gentle strength. Harry pressed his face into Remus's neck, not caring that he was nearing sixteen and was too old to be comforted like this. Once again the face of Harry Potter, wizarding hero, disappeared, leaving just Harry, who had never had the adult support and approval that he needed and so desperately yet secretly craved. Remus held him tightly, murmuring into the teen's messy auburn hair.
"Shh. I could care less what color your hair is. You're still Harry. You could look like an ogre for all I care and I'd still be proud to call you my son," Remus said softly. His words only made Harry cry harder. He'd never had anyone call him that with any real sincerity in his entire life. Remus simply soothed him until Harry regained control and withdrew on his own.
"Thank you, Moony," Harry said quietly, his voice slightly hoarse. Remus squeezed his shoulder.
"You don't need to thank me. Think of it as me fulfilling the duty I ought to have taken on fifteen years ago."
Harry shook his head. "You don't owe me anything. It's not your fault I was placed with the Dursleys and I know you would have helped if you could."
Remus smiled. "Thank you, cub. But if you'll have me, I'd still like to be a father to you. I can't replace James, nor do I want to, but I can do the next-best thing."
"You already are," Harry answered, his voice muffled against the older man's neck as he'd thrown his arms around him. Remus hugged his cub, feeling undeserving of the boy's love but determined to do everything he could to prove his own.