Chapter 28: Relapse and Catharsis.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.
AN: This chapter will deal with Connor's short relapse into self harm and Jude helping him get through it. And the two poems in this chapter, "Waterfall of Tears" and "Loss", are original poems by me. Please leave a review.
Connor's POV:
I was sitting in my bedroom, staring at the wall. Jude was downstairs fixing us a snack.
We've been back in San Diego for a week now, and the urges have only gotten worse. My mustache and beard have grown in a little bit, since I haven't shaved in a week because I don't trust myself near the razor. My mood has deteriorated a lot in the week that has elapsed. The depression has come back in full force. The only thing that pierces the dark cloud that surrounds me at the moment is Jude. I have come to dread the moments when he isn't by my side, when the cloud of misery inevitably descends again.
Even he can barely make me feel better.
It finally hit me, that I, Connor Alexander Stevens, am responsible for somebody else's death.
In a moment of panic, of fear for my life, I killed a man.
A man who was shooting at children.
A man who I found out yesterday was married and had two children himself.
Two children who would never see their dad again.
All because of me.
I snarled and whirled around and punched the wall with a strangled sob.
The guilt was driving me insane, not just from the live I took, but the for the lives I didn't try to save. That day, all I was focused on was saving my own life, making sure Jude got out with me.
I could have helped. I could have saved SOMEBODY!
I could have saved Andy.
But I didn't.
I feel like a monster.
I walked out of my bedroom, and down the hallway to the bathroom. I pulled the door open and stepped inside. My shaving razor sat on the counter next to the sink. I stared at it for a second before stepping forward and picking it up. I removed the razor blade and stared at it.
I raised my arm and put the razor blade to it. I pressed down hard and dragged it across my forearm.
The sting shot through my body, and I exhaled a shuddering breath. Blood dripped from my forearm. I raised it to do it again.
"Connor, don't." A broken voice said quietly.
I whipped towards the door and my heart fell into my stomach.
Jude was standing in the doorway. He had seen me do it. I dropped the razor to the floor. he quickly lunged forward and snatched the blade from the floor and threw it in the garbage. He pulled a towel from under the sink and wrapped it around my arm, and wrapped me in a hug. The look on his face was one of horror, fear, and anguish.
It broke my heart.
I caused that look.
I hurt him.
I wrapped my arms around him, returning the embrace and began to cry.
"I'm s-sorry, J-Jude." I cried, "I'm s-so f-fuckin' s-sorry."
"I know, Connor." He said, "Come on, let's go back to your room. I made us sandwiches."
He slowly led me back to the bedroom and we sat down on the floor next to my bed. He handed me the small plate with the ham and turkey sandwich on it. I stared at it for a second, before taking a small bite. Barely a nibble.
"You want to talk?" He asked.
I shook my head.
"You need to talk." He said, sternly.
I sighed.
"Tell me how you feel, Connor." Jude pleaded, "You're scaring me."
His voice cracked as he spoke. I sighed again and looked him in the eyes.
"I feel... like this dark cloud is following me everywhere." I said brokenly, "It's suffocating me with my own thoughts. I feel... guilty. I feel like a monster."
"Why do you feel like a monster?" Jude asked worriedly.
"I killed somebody Jude." I said, trying not to cry, "He had a wife and two kids."
"He was shooting up a school full of innocent children." Jude said, trying to comfort me, "They were trying to kill us. We didn't have a choice. I killed somebody too, remember?"
"You don't feel guilty about it?" I asked sadly.
"Of course I do." He said, "But... I'm still alive. YOU are still alive. The entire group is still alive. Our actions made that possible. That sense of relief kind of overpowers the guilt."
"We could have done more." I argued.
"How could we have done?" He argued back, "If we hadn't escaped through that window, we would have been fighting seven armed shooters in a confined space with little cover. We WOULD have been killed. If ANYTHING had been done differently, one or both of us would be dead, and our names would be on the memorial with A-Andy."
I choked out a sob at his name.
"There was NOTHING more that we could have done." He said softly, but sternly.
He wrapped me in a hug, our sandwiches forgotten.
"You have to promise me," He begged, "That you won't do this again. You have to find another outlet."
"How are you doing it?" I asked.
"Writing." He answered, "Jax, Jeremy, Austin, Castor and me. We write poems and songs together. That's where I was yesterday."
"You know I can't write poems." I said.
"You don't know until you try it." He said, "Come on, I think they're all at Jax's place. We could go visit them. Give it a try."
I sighed, trying to think of a reason not to, but Jude's scared eyes were like kryptonite.
"*Sigh*. Okay. Fine. But we're taking Beast." I said.
Beast is what I had named my Chevelle.
"I'm okay with that." He said, "I just gotta drop Bond off at home."
Slowly, we walked down the stairs, across the living room to the door to the garage. I got in the Chevelle and I started up the engine. The rumble of the engine offered a sense of soothing comfort. I put it in reverse and pulled out of the garage and onto the road.
We arrived at Jax's house twenty minutes later, after Jude had dropped the Aston Martin off at home, and Jude dragged me to the garage. Sure enough, Jax, Jeremy, Austin and Castor were inside, sitting in beanbag chairs, holding notebooks.
"Guess who?" He said.
Everybody looked up.
"Sup bro?" Jax said, "How you been doing?"
"To be honest?" I said, "Not so good."
Jax's eyes wandered down to my arm and his eyes widened.
"Oh no." He said. I nodded.
"Jude, uh... wanted me to try to deal with it like you guys do." I said, "By writing."
"Take a seat, brother." Jeremy said, handing me a notepad and a pen.
I stared at the paper for five full minutes before getting irritated.
"What am I even supposed to write?" I asked frustrated.
"What's the one thing from the shooting that's haunting you the most?" Jeremy asked.
"The fact that I could have lost Jude."
"Focus on that feeling." Jax said, "Imagine that it DID happen, and turn that emotion, that anger, into words."
I did as I was told. I focused on the feeling. It was agonizing, but it was working as I put the pen to paper.
I wrote for ten minutes, going back every few minutes and changing something.
"What have you got so far, Connor?" Castor asked.
"There's actually two. The first poem basically describes what I would have done, what I would have become if I had lost Jude." I explained, "It's... not very good."
"Just read it Connie." Jax deadpanned. I winced at the ancient nickname.
I looked at them nervously and started to read off what I had written.
"You stand there now, drenched w/ rain,
And all that you can feel is pain
As hatred creeps straight through your veins
Binding you with the devil's chains."
The one you loved
Lay dead upon the ground.
The culprit, family of a friend
Shows no remorse.
Your psyche cracks and shatters.
Then comes the Rage
Bred from Hatred
In its purest form,
It turned to self loathing.
Monstrosity.
Was once human
Till his soul was torn,
And body decomposing.
With nothing left to say,
Your broken cries
Carried on the wind.
Your love's blood spilt,
Now washed away
On the waterfall of tears.
They were gone.
Your dear beloved,
Snatched away.
And while you screamed
And while you cried
Asking why were you here still?
Voices screamed inside your head
Telling you to kill
And It's like a shock of lightning
Every time
You go against their will.
So you surrender.
You Destroy, kill, RIP THE FUCK APART!
Anger and hatred feed the flames.
Revenge, EAT THE BLACKENED HEART!
Seal the lock upon your evil chains.
The waterfall of tears
Became a flood
That turned into
A waterfall of blood."
Jude and the rest gaped at me.
"Um... Wow, okay. Didn't expect that." Castor said.
"You can say that again." Jude said, "Connor, that was... brilliant. What's it called?"
"Waterfall of Tears." I answered quietly.
"That was really good, buddy." Jeremy said, "I can already think of a riff that would go with it."
"You said you had another one?" Austin asked.
"Yeah. It's called 'Loss'." I said, "Want me to read it too?"
All four of them nodded vigorously.
I nodded and began to read again.
"I remember the day,
When I first met you.
I couldn't help myself,
And I fell in love with you.
When I didn't know what to do
You were always there for me,
Teaching me to be
Who I was born to be.
Now it's too late
I could finally see
All of the things
You gave up for me
When I was with you
I felt so free
But then I lost you
Without you, where would I be?
When I lost you
It ripped my soul
You loved me, I loved you too
Nothing can fill the hole
You were my soul mate
Our love so true
Our meeting was fate
That day, my heart flew
You were my light
In a life of dark
An angelic sight
You always left your mark
You stood by me
In my darkest hour
You really saved me
My life, my soul you did empower
When I met you
I couldn't help but stop to stare
Now I've lost you
It's a pain I cannot bare
When I lost you
It ripped my soul
You loved me, I loved you too
Nothing can fill the hole
You were my soul mate
Our love so true
Our meeting was fate
That day, my heart flew
Now I've lost you
All I feel is sorrow
Goodbye my love
I'll see you soon tomorrow
I feel so sad
There was nothing I could do
The love we had
I can't live without you
I realize it now
Why all I can do is cry
It really hurts now
It's hard to say goodbye
It's hard to say goodbye
When I lost you
It ripped my soul
You loved me, I loved you too
Nothing can fill the hole
You were my soul mate
Our love so true
Our meeting was fate
That day, my heart flew
Now I've lost you
All I feel is sorrow
Goodbye my love
I'll see you soon tomorrow
I'll see you soon tomorrow
I'll see you soon tomorrow."
Absolute silence blanketed the garage.
Jude rose from his seat and kneeled down, wrapping me in a hug. I returned the embrace.
"Dude," Jax said, "These are both excellent. You have to let us record these."
"Yeah man," Austin agreed, "You can even sing them if you want. Jude's already written a couple that we offered to let him sing."
"I can't sing."
"Connor. Yes you can." Jude disagreed, "I've heard you sing before. You have a really good voice."
"I'll tell you what." I compromised, "Write the music first. If I like what I hear, then I will sing on them. Sound good?"
Jude and I stayed and wrote more with them for three more hours. Before we left, Jax pulled me to the side and told me that he wouldn't be at Anchor Beach for the first week after Spring Break ended, but he wouldn't tell me why. All he would tell me was that it was very important.
When we left, Jude turned to me.
"So, do you feel better?" He asked.
"Yeah. A bit." I admitted, "It really did help. It was cathartic."
"I told you it would."
We got in the car and reversed onto the road.
Ten minutes later, we pulled up in front of Anchor Beach. We got out of the car and walked over to our bench and sat down. I breathed deeply, inhaling the salty sea air.
"What are we doing here?" Jude asked, sounding a bit freaked out.
I turned to him, and offered him a small smile. I reached out and took his gloved hand into mine.
"I'm facing my fears." I said. "Why are you wearing gloves?"
He blushed, and looked at me.
"Do you remember how I used to wear nail polish?" He asked me.
"Yeah, war paint. Why?"
He removed the gloves, revealing the sparkling blue paint on his fingernails. He pulled a small bottle of the polish from his jacket pocket.
"I've gotten back into the habit." He said sheepishly, "It... still makes me feel better."
I smiled softly.
I stared at his hand, and his painted nails. Something so simple, that symbolized so much. It was a symbol of our friendship, of our bond. A symbol that I never realized how much I missed.
I held my hands out to him.
"Do mine."
He looked at me shocked.
"You sure?" He asked, "You haven't done this since we first became friends."
"Yeah." I said, "I want you to. Maybe it'll make me feel better too."
It did make me feel better. Sitting there, on a bench on a deserted beach next to the school, the small brush layering blue paint onto my fingernails, I felt at peace.
AN#2: Hope you liked the chapter, please leave a review. What did you think of the poems? Were they terrible? Passable?