A/N: So here's your next update. All I have to say is brace yourselves, this one is dark.
Chapter 51: State of My Head
"Everyone get on."
Before Samui could say anything Sai's scroll snapped open and four birds leapt from the paper. The wind whipped past his ears and stung his cheeks, but the more distance he put between himself and her the better. He glanced back, ensuring they'd each taken a mount and followed before his eyes darted out looking for potential threats and ambushes. When he was certain it was all clear he allowed his eyes to drift to the horizon, and for a few moments memories flashed before him. Memories of her, of his men, of his mission—the death, fire, and stench of smoke…
His hand slipped into the pocket that held his notebook, and in the morning light he eyes shifted to the pages in his lap.
Log Entry 1
Aug. 28th
After reading many books I've decided to keep a journal so I might understand emotions better. With any hope I will be able to look back and see progress and possibly use it as a reference.
Log Entry 2
Aug. 31st
Naruto is an idiot. To allow a random kunoichi from another village to beat him so badly is unfathomable. Why? Does this Uchiha Sasuke really mean so much to him? What's more is Sakura feels the same way. There's no doubt she's holding something over Naruto though—I can see it in his eyes as well as hers.
I don't understand. But I suppose that's to be expected.
What's unexpected was for me to feel so much…something. Something at the sight of that kunoichi hitting Naruto. Thankfully the team leader, a blonde with the huge breasts, arrived and helped smooth things over when I stepped in. She seemed level headed which is more than I can say for her subordinates. When I tried complimenting her though Naruto intervened. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling it has something to do with what I was about to say. I'm not entirely sure. Further research is required.
Log Entry 3
Sept. 2
Further research has revealed that while it's okay to compliment a woman on her physical features, there are certain areas that should be avoided. Breasts, buttocks, and even hips can spell disaster if pointed out. I must give Naruto my thanks—for once he seemed to know what he was talking about.
Shikaku sat on Tsunade's couch and stared at the ceiling, his pipe emitting a steady stream of smoke that curled upwards before a breeze caught it and dragged it out the window. It was drawing close to midday; the mission was a little over four hours old at this point. No mission updates—a good sign, and with any luck they wouldn't hear anything until they reached the Foundry.
"They really put you through the works," Tsunade said. She tipped her sake bottle back and propped her chin with the other hand. "I haven't seen you look this miserable since the cleanup of the village began."
"The mission will fail."
Tsunade's coughs broke the silence followed by, "Excuse me?"
"The mission will fail," he repeated and lifted his head enough to meet Tsunade's eyes. "My son gave me a fifty-five percent chance of success. He was being generous. A more accurate assessment would put the mission success at around forty-two percent."
"Then why did you green light the mission?!"
Shikaku snorted and sat up. "Why else? They had a backup plan that didn't require our permission—they just went through us as a sign of courtesy. Never mind that it was a worse plan with even less chance of success.
"Then why didn't you help them come up with a better plan?"
"Because every plan we would've come up with would've been bad—each one worse than the one before."
"But you just went with their bad plan?"
Shikaku shrugged, "Theirs was the best bad plan we had."
Tsunade shook her head and returned to her bottle, "I think you're just being pessimistic."
"You're wrong," Shikaku said tilting his head back again. "I'm being pragmatic."
"No, I've seen pragmatic. This…" she gestured to him, "this is pessimistic."
Shikaku said nothing, his eyes distant as scenario after scenario played out before him. Pain flared in his temple, but an inhalation squashed it and cleared his mind again.
"Battle plans seldom survive first contact," Shikaku said after a time. "This is common knowledge. A plan like theirs, thrown together as fast as it was in such a short amount of time, has no hope of remaining intact. It will fail. A new, less organized plan will be created. And people will die in the backwaters of Ame.
"I'm not being pessimistic," An extra large plume rose into the air and Shikaku's lips twitched down. "If anything I'm being ruefully optimistic—because at least I know my son is not going to die on this mission."
Log Entry 4
Sept. 3rd
I have a new mission. We have a base of operations outside the village, and I'll be working closely with Nara Shikamaru and Aburame Shino. Naruto has been assigned the command of the entire Anbu force, including the Commander himself. I haven't been on something this black since Danzo-sama. I'll also have to be careful that Naruto or the others don't steal this and read it later.
I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I always do when I'm assigned an important mission. I'm…concerned?...that I'll do a bad job but looking forward to it. I think?
Log Entry 5
Sept. 14th
I've made progress in developing my bonds. Today Naruto begged for my help in the upcoming mission. The look in his eyes when he asked me to help him save Hinata is something I cannot forget. He's trusting me, opening up and reaching out, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm reaching too.
I feel as if a fire has ignited inside me, my motivation is pushing me forward with such a tenacity I've never felt before. I want to do a good job—a perfect job. I want to see the relief and thanks on his face when it's all over.
Log Entry 5-2
I'll keep things brief because I'm limited on time. I'm not sure what's happening. The blonde kunoichi from Kumo has returned to the village, and I'm to be her escort until the Festival is over. I have…mixed emotions. I'm hesitant because she's from Kumo, but at the same time I feel excitement at seeing her on a regular basis. I don't know how to describe it; I'll have to do some further reading.
I've decided to keep my journal at my apartment despite spending most of my free time either at the base or at Naruto's. I don't want to give him or the other Uzumakis any firepower for later if they find this. As Shikamaru would say they're troublesome enough already.
Perhaps it's because of afraid I'll be embarrassed? The book's definition matches the description of my feelings at least.
Log Entry 5-3
Today has been eventful to say the least. For security's sake I won't mention anything regarding the mission saves for the history lesson on the Uzuamkis we had and receiving new "toys" as Jihibiki put it. Needless to say Naruto had quite the reaction to it. Truth be told it was terrifying, and the screaming…I've never seen someone scream to the point of rupturing their vocal cords. He recovered quicker than we thought. He says it's thanks to the newest member of the Uzumaki family—Karin.
She's another factor for why today has been so crazy. Renge and Neji actually broke her out of the I.D.'s prison. Ended up having a massive standoff between Naruto, Ibiki, and Hokage-sama. Not surprising Naruto won though, I swear the man is more stubborn than anything on this planet. Although I am concerned about the legitimacy of this Karin. Renge swears she's family, but she was also aligned with Sasuke and more than that—the Akatsuki. I know Naruto has a forgiving streak, but his trust is bordering on naïve.
"Relay seal twenty-two is activated," the man known only as Justice droned into Sojin's ear. "Proceed to the next designation."
"Copy that," Sojin answered into the seal placed on his molar. He'd sworn he'd never wear a seal again, but he had to admit this was something else entirely. The Uzumaki's certainly knew their shit when it came to fuinjutsu.
Pulling out his map, Sojin eyed the path laid out for them to follow, and recognized the next point would be near a small river which cut through Fire country on its way to the Land of Rivers. Their objective at the moment was to head towards Ame as quickly as they could while setting up relay seals every five miles. The seals allowed communication between them and Justice, who was located in a secret place called the Control Room somewhere back in Konoha. Apparently the seals they used only had a radius of roughly five miles—so as they moved they were forced to apply seals provided to them by some crotchety red head that could've been the Sage of Six Path's mother.
Luckily the seals were already prepared, and it only took a small application of chakra to activate and take hold of whatever surface they were placed upon. Simple, fast, and no thought required. Sort of how he planned to spend his nights once he returned to Konoha. He grinned at his shopping list of things he'd buy: booze and women.
"Captain, could you perhaps stop daydreaming long enough to hear our report?"
Sojin's eyes jumped from the map to meet Hyuuga Akido—well, now just Akido's—stare.
"What makes you think I'm unfocused?"
"Because you're about one happy thought away from suffering a massive nosebleed," Akido smirked, "Sir."
"Bite me, dick-gobbler," Sojin said folding the map.
"Can't be any worse than those useless bags of fat you drool over."
Sojin rolled his eyes but grinned. They were childhood friends, and despite being similar in appearance neither one of them took it as a compliment when they were mistaken as brothers. Their preferences, they said, swung in opposite directions too much to take it as a compliment.
"Could you brats stop grab-assing and focus," Shindou snapped coming over and crouching next to them. Sojin cocked an eyebrow at him and he rolled his eyes adding, "With all due respect, sir."
Shindou was one of the oldest men of the group at 38, and Sojin was one of the youngest at a decade less. But despite this Sojin had taken command of the group, to no one's complaint, and a shoddy chain-of-command had formed. One consisting of swears, rude gestures, and complaints in the face of orders. Being released from the Hyuuga clan hadn't just freed their bodies—it had freed their tongues as well.
"Well give it to me then," Sojin said looking between the two.
"The way is clear," Akido said nodding in the direction they were meant to go. "No sign of enemies or foot traffic. With any luck will be close to Ame by the end of the day."
"Vengeance said he'd meet us at the border," Shindou reiterated.
"With any luck we'll get there before he does and earn ourselves a break," Sojin said standing, a move mirrored by those around him. "Alright ladies, you had your break, let's move!"
A string of curses and obscene gestures sailed his way, but Sojin just grinned leapt into the trees. A few moments later Shindou and Akido appeared at his flanks. The first few minutes passed quietly as they jumped from tree to tree, but eventually Akido broke it.
"Something's been bothering me since we started," he said. "You looked really unhappy during Vengeance's briefing. Why?"
"Because of what I saw under his mask," Sojin said.
"What did you see," Shindou asked.
"Nothing," Sojin activated his Byakugan and peered ahead. "Like he vanished into thin air."
Entry Log 6
Sept.15th
I live in dark times. The newcomer Karin has seen it necessary to stake a claim to Naruto's couch. I personally find this an affront to my well being, as nothing is more comfortable or restful than the beautiful couch in Naruto's living room. Our battle has become one of attrition, and I admit to having lost rights to the furniture for several nights now. My psyche and body can't take much more—I need to feel its soft embrace again.
Entry Log 7
Sept. 16th
I found poetry in the library today while looking for the second volume of Understanding the Human Emotions. I would have put it back, had I not bumped into Hinata-san. She seemed surprised at first, but encouraged me to read it. That made me feel confident. I can say that, because I know what confident feels like at the very least. Hinata-san is a strange one—very complex really—but I like her. Not like Naruto does, I don't stare at her when I think nobody's looking, but she makes me feel at…ease? Like I have a day off from training or missions.
Samui is strange as well. I took her on a tour of the village and she seemed very fidgety as I led her around, like I was going to try and lift some information from her yet she didn't want me to let go. Very peculiar. I'll need to read more into the matter. She did smell pleasant though. And her smile is nice.
Log Entry 8
Sept. 17th
I confess this poetry is very captivating. I believed the only way to see an image in my head was to paint it on canvas—I now know words, if used correctly, can have the same affect. My favorite so far is The Flycatcher. I can't explain it, but I felt as if someone had written my life on the pages before me. Is that strange? Anyways, I've copied the poem below.
1
All day he flies but no one cares
All night he sings yet no one hears
His wings do tire under the sun
His voice does scratch from words he's sung
2
'Why bother,' he cries to empty air
'My work falls on the thankless ears'
'The disease I eat with wings so sure,
'The silence I fill with songs of gold,
'I haven't heart to bear this longer,
'The world will go on as I slumber.'
3
So days went by with no work seen
And nights dragged on, cold and obscene
From disease came death, the Sun saw
At night cries of loss, the Moon did hear
The Stars, they shook with loneliness and fear
4
The stars wept,
The moon cried,
The sun, she screamed through ash choked skies
5
'Please wake, My Love, and bring back life!'
'Your solace, Love, for the lonely children and wife!'
'Your strength, our Love, from this ravaging strife!'
6
So three lights did pray to their thankless'd one
An' from his nest the Flycatcher sprung
7
'Forever alone! I thought I would be'
'This world uncaring of my daily deeds'
'Yet three voices I hear asking of me'
8
'Work Love!' the Sun urged, 'For I see,'
'Sing Love!' the Moon begged, 'For I hear,'
'Protect Love!' the Stars besought, 'For we feel.'
8
All day he flew and the Sun did care,
All night he sang and the Moon did hear,
9
His wings did tire,
His voice did scratch,
But disease he stopped with a snatch,
10
Of his beak and wings death did stop
His protection spread upon the winds,
None did mourn or burn like crop,
With nightly songs the hearts did mend,
11
The world so bleak in dying days,
Learn'd so of its hero's ways
12
The sun sighed,
The moon cooed,
The stars, they laughed in happy mood.
'We see, we hear, we feel, our Love!'
Strange how this resonates with me. I read it, seeing my life and yet I'm filled with hope.
And why do I think of her?
"We should get a move on," Samui said. She finished cleaning her utensils for their late lunch and repacked them.
"Why," Karui asked. "We're so far ahead of schedule because we've been able to fly."
"Samui-san is right," Sai said. All three Cloud ninja lifted their gazes to where he sat on a nearby tree branch.
He'd finished his lunch first, and now leaned against the trunk reviewing his journal. Marking his page and shoving the emotions inside away, he slipped back to their level and opened his ninpo scroll. "The faster we get there, the faster the Foundry can begin working on my clan's seals."
"And the faster I can get away from you," Sai's eyes lingered on Samui for a moment before he focused on his scroll.
Once again four birds leapt into life, and like before he didn't look back to see if they followed. The late summer sun clashed with the cool air of the seasonal change, cooling and warming his face at the same time. Nostalgia washed over him, one without origin or reason, and he frowned at his emotion's melancholic malaise. It was growing worse. He could feel it with every passing hour—the darkness of his own heart decaying him from the inside. The further he shoved them down, the more they festered. He needed to finish this part of the mission and soon.
His hands found the journal on their own, and before he knew it he'd thumbed to the page where he'd left off.
Entry Log 9
Sept. 18th
I picked up another poetry book. Most of my spare time is dedicated to reading it though I've tried my hand at my own work.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Samui is the...
I think that's enough for now.
Entry Log 9-2
So…turns out my cooking isn't my best quality. The smoking ruins of Naruto's apartment can attest to that. Oh, and I can apparently bring food to life as well. Frankenslime will most likely haunt my dreams for the foreseeable future. Jihibiki and Renge had a surprise for Naruto and Karin and it turned out to be a new house. So I don't feel so bad. Though I suppose it'd be more accurate to call it a mansion. I can't imagine living in a home like that, but I once read a home is what a house with a family is…so I guess I really wouldn't know anything about that.
Our mission is drawing close—a matter of hours now actually. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. There's a lot riding on this and everyone's feeling the strain. The only plus side is being with Samui-chan, though I feel like I won't be able to truly enjoy my time with her. She makes me feel…strange. The time I've spent with her has become increasingly shorter, but the memories are so much more…coveted? No, precious.
My heart pounds when I see her and a strange tingling sensation fills me when she's near. It's not bad but…I need to study this further.
My heart does shudder
Your sunny smile holds secrets
Reveal them to me
Entry Log 10
Sept. 19th
I'm still wrapping my head around this. In fact I can't stop writing it everywhere—Uzumaki Sai. Uzumaki Sai. I feel…well at home. Though the mansion is huge the personalities everyone in the family has fills the place no problem. For the first time I truly feel accepted, and I think I know what real happiness feels like.
I have to go pick Samui up from her hotel now. I think I'm excited to see her—it feels like it does whenever I try to bring a new painting to life and I think that's a form of excitement. It must be, though the anxiety of the mission tonight is threatening to suffocate me. I hope Naruto-nii and the others stay strong.
The path I lead is fraught with darkness.
Your light stays my course.
Entry Log 10-2
I saw her by accident when I was going to the bathroom. That kimono. Her hair. Her skin. Her image stopped my breath with her beauty alone. I thought I should try to capture this moment before it fades and we have to start our mission. I can't help but wonder—wish—that the same feelings I possess she holds as well.
Your brilliance is that of the sun, moon, and stars
Equal parts blinding, comforting, and present
Samui—you bring something out in me I didn't know I had.
"A message from Konohagakure has arrived, Ame-sama."
Konan's eyes lifted from her tea, and beside her Hanshou glanced from the map of the village. He moved around the desk signaling to the eleven other concealed jonin to wait for his signal. He held out his hand to the chuunin, "Give it here soldier."
The chuunin shook his head, "Messages are to be delivered only to those they are addressed to, sir."
"And who do you think gave that order?"
The chuunin hesitated, then held the scroll out with a nod. Hanshou plucked it from his hands, and as he turned back to Konan a wet schlickt filled the air followed by a gurgle. Hanshou glanced back at the masked kunoichi that had ended the imposter and nodded to her, "Clean up this mess and then return immediately."
"Yes sir!"
Konan closed her eyes to keep the tears from falling. This was the fourth one. How much longer could they keep doing this?
"Konan…"
She opened her eyes to find Hanshou's worried brown ones staring back at her. "Leave us," she said.
There was a moment of silence, hesitation in leaving their leader unguarded, but then Hanshou's gaze cut around the room. "Do as she says."
A soft breeze of humid air filled the room followed by true silence. And rain. Always the rain.
"Have I failed as a leader," Konan asked.
"My lady?"
Konan moved to the window where a softer rain pattered the panels of glass, "It's a simple question Commander. This marks the fourth imposter amongst our ranks. So I can't help but feel I've failed as a leader by sacrificing my shinobi just to buy time."
"You haven't failed, my lady. You've remained strong this entire time when it would've been so much easier to give up. Nobody in this village would blame you if you did so in order to protect your child. Yet you refuse to give in—because you know taking the easy path would lead to so much more death. We must keep Nagato-sama's body from falling into the Akatsuki's hands."
"Then why? Why does it feel like I have?" Tears slid down Konan's cheeks, mimicking its brethren on the glass across from them. Her reflection contorted into something ugly. Ugly and weak. And she hated everything about it. When she realized Hanshou hadn't spoken she turned to find him reading the message with a grim expression. "What is it?"
"Konoha's…help…will be here at some point tomorrow," Hanshou said.
Konan's heart shuddered at the implications, "What do you mean by that? Are they not sending reinforcements?"
"They are, just not the amount we'd hoped for."
"How many?" Hanshou answered in silence and Konan's face drained. "How many, Hanshou?"
"Twenty-one."
The words took the air from her, and in her belly her child kicked as if to resent the abysmal numbers heading their way.
"How are supposed to protect this village with that many ninja," she asked. She felt betrayed—again. "That's not enough reinforcements, no matter how well they're trained!"
"That's because they're not reinforcements," Hanshou held out the message. "They're an extraction."
Entry Log 11
Sept. 21st
Nearly botched the mission. Nearly died. A lot of people did die, just not the important ones. No. That's not true. They are important…were important.
Naruto-nii came to see me afterwards. He said they might've had an inside man so it wasn't my fault. I know it wasn't my fault. He didn't need to tell me that. But it felt better hearing him say it. He seemed different—like something had happened to him. Maybe it's Shikamaru? He said he was in a coma now. It hurt to hear that—made me feel sad. I liked him despite him being lazy…I like him…he's not dead. Not like the others.
I asked Naruto-nii about Samui-chan and he said she was worried about me. That makes me feel…happy.
It makes me happy but at the same time something else. Something unpleasant, that much I know. She didn't visit. Not while I was at the hospital and so far she hasn't stopped by the house today. Our date went fairly well I thought, she laughed and smiled a lot. She has such a beautiful laugh. Every time I hear it I want to do something to keep her laughing, just to hear it for a bit longer.
Maybe she's trying to adjust to the age gap between us? She seemed a little surprised, and I read somewhere some women care about that sort of thing.
Whatever fate may hold
I'll walk the path it leads so bold
As long as you walk beside me
Entry Log 11-2
Can't sleep. Mind won't stop turning—replaying the mission. Painting isn't helping. Reading either. I feel empty inside. I think I'll have a drink, I know it's an ineff*ctive mec*anism for copin* but so many do it. So…mayb* it does help in its own way *
Shit I'* cr*ing…Why am * crying?...*
Entry Log 11-3
Page is *lurr-y. Can* stop thinkin ab*ut her- Cant st*p cry*ng. It h*rts. I th*ught the Doc mi*sed somethi*g bu-t * * didn't. Why d*es it hurt so m*ch? Sam*-*-
*Samui*
I can se* them* I can see *here f*ces…Dea-d* There all*dead b*cause o-f me* I c*n he*r there sc*eams. I c*n s*e there blo*d. It*s ever*where. T*e walls. The fl*or. My hands.
*ell…
Im in*
Hell!*!*
Entry Log 12
Sept. 22nd
Head is killing me, and it was no better when Naruto-nii woke us up. Seems he's the only one who can be chipper after a night of drinking like that. Not right or fair. Not looking back at what I wrote last night either. I tried, but my hand started shaking and just froze. I don't know what to make of it so I'm just going to leave it alone.
Shikamaru is awake. We went to see him and get his side of the story. From what we can gather, shits getting bad. The Uzumaki will be making their first appearance at the council too. I think Naruto-nii is a little excited for that. He needs the distraction, not that we don't have plenty of it. Our work load is ridiculous, but I'm thankful for it. It helps keeping my mind from wandering.
Karin-nee is worried about me. She thinks I don't notice her looks but I do, I was in Root for fuck's sake…*
She just cares* She gave me an*ther poetry b*ok to help but…* I don't feel like r*ading it.*
F*ckin tears!
Entry Log 13
Sept. 24th
Tired, exhausted, sleepy…take your pick, that's what I am. Naruto-nii is working us like slaves and when he isn't, Karin-nee is. It's important, I know. But damn if I don't need a break. Yet I hate taking one. My mind wanders and suddenly I'm reliving it. I can smell the blood. See the bodies. God the sound—the explosion ringing in my ears. Atlas' gasps of death…*
And* she st*ll hasn't spok*n to me.
Entry Log 14
Oct. 2nd
I've got a little bit of time so I think I'll go to that café—the only one that service the same tea they used to in Root. I think the owner is a plant.
Entry Log 14-2
A lot happened today. I went to the café and ran into Atlas. I was surprised to see him out of the hospital so soon after his injury but he seemed to be doing well. He took me back to his ramen shop and told me a little about himself. I…
I never knew those things about Danzo-sama…or about Root's true origins…
I think it's safe to say Atlas really is a legend.
I ended up going to the council meeting with Naruto-nii instead of Karin-nee. I guess she was working on some important seal technicalities so she couldn't make it. I thought Naruto would poke the hornet's nest, but he seemed more content to kick the fucking thing. The Uzumaki's definitely made a bold entrance, that's for certain. And the things we discussed…god have mercy on us.
The genin…the Hyuuga prisoners…shit Sakura and Sasuke…I don't think there's an end to this.
I heard Karin-nee crying to Renge-obaa last night after Naruto went to sleep. Something happened over at the Hyuugas. I thought Neji might've done something but I have a feeling she'd be more…upset if that were the case. I thought I caught Hinata's name, but I'm not sure.
I keep trying to distract myself, but her image keeps filling my head. Atlas' words didn't help either. I'd do it all over again. Honestly, those are the last words I need to hear…
I opened my heart to the sun, but she turned away.
I opened my heart to the moon but she too, turned away.
I opened my heart to the stars, but they all turn*d aw*y.
S* I *pened my he*rt to th* darkness, a*d it consum*d me…
Entry Log 14-3
I'm scared. I know fear; I've felt it many times. But that was a fear of death. This…I don't know where this is coming from. Well I do—it's from her.
Naruto-nii is forcing me to go talk to her, but I don't know if I can do it. My heart won't stop pounding and my head is light. I don't want to do this. I don't. But…
Maybe he's right, maybe I need to do this? Maybe it will work out. Maybe she hasn't been avoiding me on purpose.
My heart trembles with the thought.
You can have my heart or my Will.
Please, have mercy.
Entry Log 14-4
Death would be a far more merciful punishment
Rather than a lifetime of emotional purgatory
I wish I'd never left Root.
Entry Log 15
Oct. 3rd
The opening shots of war are about to be fired, maybe if I'm lucky I'll catch one in the chest and end this miserable existence I call life. We received a cry from help from Konan in Amegakure. She's pregnant with Nagato's child…another Uzumaki…a true blooded Uzumaki. Not some stray mutt they adopted and decided to give it the same last name.
I'll be leading the operation on the ground, and Shino will be the voice in my ear. I'll have to leave a message behind telling him it's not his fault…
I'm taking twenty Hyuuga traitors with me, a sort of test run that Neji and I thought up. With any luck it will work out. I guess I'll never know.
I want to blame Samui for this feeling. I want to hate her. I want to scream and curse her name in the same breath…but I can't. For all my talents it appears my weakness is my heart. Atlas was right, I am compromised.
I have a theory on this regarding Root's conditioning and re-entry into society. The emotional stimulus can be daunting—so if operatives are to return to the public they should be watched and cared for constantly. I recommend therapy sessions 2-3 times a week until operatives are deemed capable of handling their new emotions. As for myself…
Too many things happened at once. I regained my emotions and immediately put ten deaths on my shoulders. I held affection for a woman who crushed it for the sake of practicality. I live in a family that isn't truly my own. I can feel my emotions dying again, closing off and this time my drive for self preservation is fading with them.
Naruto…whoever reads this. Please, watch out for the Root members.
Can one who's never truly lived, live?
Can one who's never actually felt, feel?
Can the heart be moved surrounded by death?
Yes.*She prov*d all th*t to me*
Can y*u love someone when you've n*ver felt, never liv*d, immersed y*urself in death—when all that w*s ever sh*red was * a s*ft smile, kind eyes* and a gentle laugh?
yes.
Samui woke to the sound of movement outside, and when she peaked through the flap of her tent she realized it came from Sai. He sat by the fire, nose buried in the same book he'd been reading all day, while packing his rucksack with his free hand. He was so engrossed he didn't even realize she was there until she sat down beside him.
"What are you doing?" She might as well have fired an ice jutsu at him, because he froze at the sound of her words. She had to suppress the giggle at the look of surprise on his face and added, "What's this? A Root agent caught off guard?"
Anger shadowed Sai's face for an instant before it shifted to an emotionless mask. Well, almost emotionless. Samui could see his eyes somewhat tighten as he said, "What's it matter if I space out every now and then? I'm human after all."
Samui's own eyes tightened, and inside her heart clenched. "I never said you weren't." Sai grunted in reply, slipping his book into his pocket and finished his packing. "Where are you going?"
"Ame."
"What," Samui asked blinking back her confusion. "Why?"
"New mission."
"The Raikage hadn't informed me of this."
"That's because Raikage-sama doesn't know," Sai tightened the straps of his pack. "Its family related business."
"Raikage-sama has ordered all missions not sanctioned by him to cease."
"Samui," Sai said looking her in the eyes for the first time. "Does it look like I give a fuck?"
Her mouth fell open, and somewhere in her head a connection failed to keep her thoughts running. Sai never used that kind of language around her—he'd always been chivalrous, kind, and sweet. But the stare he gave her now—filled with longing, loneliness, and empty anger—threatened to shatter her convictions.
"You're…going rogue?" She practically breathed her words, and hated how frail they sounded even to her.
"Can't go rogue if I don't actually exist," Sai said standing up and shouldering his pack.
"But you do."
"The records say otherwise."
Samui stood, "I won't let you go."
Silence fell again, and only the crackle of the fire filled the constantly building void between them. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. The expanse grew wider until she felt as if she could barely see him.
"You think you can stop me," Sai asked cocking his head.
"Yes," Samui said.
"Maybe."
"Do you really believe that?"
Samui's lips threatened to tremble, "Yes."
"…Of course not."
"Then stop me," Sai turned and moved towards the trees.
Samui ground her teeth, tears threatening, and screamed in her head at the way her heart and convictions were shred so easily by the man in front of her.
"What about the mission," she asked flinging her arm out in the general direction of the Foundry. "Are you going to abandon it so easily?!"
Sai stopped and glanced over his shoulder. "You're approximately ten miles away from the Foundry. My new mission takes precedence and in my professional opinion the package has been escorted."
Samui's feet were moving before she realized it, and she wrenched Sai around forcing him to face her. Why was she breathing so heavily? Why was her face burning? Why was he looking at her with so much contempt and desire?
"You can't leave, Sai. I can't let you become a nuke-nin."
"Then convince me."
"What?"
"Convince me to stay," Sai repeated. "Give me a reason that isn't related to orders, or politics, or professionalism and I'll stay. Persuade me," He took a step towards her putting him deep into her personal space. "Seduce me even."
"W-What," Samui's mind reeled, firing synapses that didn't catch, and tried not to stare at his lips too much. "H-How can you say such things?"
She turned away desperate to collect her thoughts and put some distance, even if just a little, between them.
Pain jolted through her neck and spots flashed in her eyes, followed by a wave of numbness that crept through her body. Her vision darkened, swam, and she slumped backwards into Sai's waiting hands. She tried to form words as he guided her to the ground, but it was a struggle just to keep conscious.
But the betrayal stung. It stung like the regret pooled in his dark eyes.
"Forgive me," he whispered placing his bedroll under her and covering her with his blanket. "This is something I have to do."
Sai waited for Samui to succumb to unconsciousness, and when her eyes finally closed his body leaned over her as if the gravity between the two had become unrelenting.
Firelight shimmered across her hair like rivulets of liquid platinum, "Good bye my Sun." He stroked a rogue strand away from her face, "My Moon." Trying to ignore the burning in the back of his throat he pressed his lips to hers, and felt his chest ignite in contentment and agony. "My stars," he whispered sitting up, and memorized everything in that moment.
Seconds later there was a whoosh of air, and the night sky roared past his ears. Tears whipped across his temples made icy by the night. After what felt like hours he slowed his creature's flight, and in the breath that followed did his best to split heaven and earth with his voice.
When his breath finally returned and tears ceased, he opened his notebook to the last few blank pages, and by the light of the moon and stars he filled them with his own.
Log Entry 16
Oct. 5th
This will be my final entry…