Looking back at what I had said yesterday...to a SENIOR Officer mind you, maybe I was wrong. Not wrong in the things I said, I believed them 100% but wrong that I spoke to him that way and in that tone. However, yes...I sort of stuck up for a prisoner who also yes...could be a cold-blooded murderer like he said but there was absolutely no reason for him to try to rile her up, to try to make her feel like the smallest person alive. And also, I wondered if it was just her he did that to.
Granted, most of the room's I saw as I went along the count looked like shit, mess everywhere, their shoes and socks strewn across the floor...but why would he create a mess if they had a clean room?
I don't know why I was getting so worked up over this, it happened a lot in the prison back in America, but it happened to men who could take it and weren't in danger of getting their feelings hurt. These were women and some may be gross lesbians but other's... With her in mind I frowned, other's seem like they are just trying to do the best they can in here to get by, to stay out of trouble and to avoid confrontation from the officer's who give it to them anyway.
After what I said to him, he ignored me for the rest of my shift. I had to leave halfway through the contraband search due to mine being over and I couldn't help but wonder whether he took what I said on board or continued to be a dick once I left. It's not like I could ask the prisoner's today about what he did so in the end I just tried to forget it.
I was sitting in my car outside the prison just thinking because I was a little early. I'd managed to get up fine this morning, still going over yesterday's events in my head and wondered if that officer had reported me. For what...I don't know, for something anyway. As well as thinking, I was feeling nervously excited. It was my first proper day today as after my shift yesterday I had to go to see Nichkhun and he told me that he had seen me several times and liked my confidence and my way of communicating with the inmate's firmly.
I thanked God he hadn't seen what I had said to Park but yeah...he said that it was a waste of time easing me into something that I sort of knew already so gave me my first full shift.
I would start at 7:30am and finish at 5:30pm. A long ass shift staying on your feet almost always but that's the job I signed up for. I also didn't know whether I'd have a buddy today or have to go off alone. I didn't mind either really, but I wasn't too fond on having Park again...
"Good morning Tiffany" one of the security guy's who patted me down greeted as I opened out my arms and legs.
"Morning" I smiled and immediately being curious about something, I asked him a question. "Do you get a lot of CO's here bringing in contraband?"
"Not a lot no" he answered as he finished up the search. "The last time was a year or two ago, I don't really remember but it's happened only a few times"
"Ah" I nodded and grabbed my keys from the tray, going on my way to the staff room. I don't know why any officer would do that...risk their job for an inmate. Prisoner's get to buy everything they need as well as some treats from commissary, plus have dinner provided to them...what else do they need? I shook my head in frustration as I entered the room and clipped on my belt, making sure each item within it was easily reachable if I encountered a problem.
Next up was to enter the staff meeting to find out what I'd be doing today. Again when I sat down all I saw were male officer's. Apart from Yuri and myself, I had seen no other female workers here. Then again they could be on the other side of the prison but still, it was disconcerting to say the least.
"Hmmm Officer Hwang"
"Yes sir." I bowed to my senior.
"You...will be performing the morning contraband search in half hour and then monitoring the line for the commissary."
Again with the contraband? "Yes sir" I repeated and waited to be excused. Actually, it wasn't fair to say I had to do it again. I had only basically watched Officer Park yesterday as he did it. He had been still pissed at me so instead of shadowing my work like he was supposed to, he just took over and did it himself. Now it was my turn.
I was assigned to the same area and wondered if this would be the main unit I would be working on. Usually CO's got moved around to different housing units within the prison which meant dealing with different prisoner's each time. But sometimes, if an officer was better in one unit and could handle the many inmate's within it, they would be assigned to only that one.
I didn't mind continuing to work there as apart from the lesbian's, the inmate's were okay. To my knowledge, there wasn't anybody dangerous so that would mean easier work for me and If I ended up getting bored I could just request to watch over another unit. I started making my way over there, winding through the many corridors as I tried to remember where to go.
Remembering I had some time left before I started, I took to wandering around looking for anybody misbehaving or any suspicious behaviour but there was none. This job was mostly keeping a visual on the premises to see basically nothing happen, if I was honest it was a little boring. In my old prison, at least I could joke around with my fellow officer's about who was the hottest guy in the room. I used to do that all the time, it was funny and kept me occupied but here...no men just women. I sighed, this would definitely take some getting used to.
Finally after some time of doing nothing, I went over to the first door which was already open from the count that was done before I arrived and entered inside. The room was clean again due to the expected cleanup the inmate's were to do each morning and I found it a shame to have to mess it up a little... until I remembered who lived here. Two gay girls who hadn't hesitated to perv on me when I had walked in yesterday, I wasn't going to emulate Park's dick move though, even though these girls were lesbian.
I believed in treating everyone equally here just like I was trained. Yes, I may hate to be around them but I would try my best not to show it other than through a stern attitude. But thankfully, neither girl was here, they were probably showering so I could just get on with my work and do it undisturbed. What I had to look for was anything from drugs and weapons to luxuries such as extra pillows, extra uniform...that kind of thing.
Sadly about halfway through my search, one of them came back.
"Damn!" I heard her call out, a quick glance over my shoulder showed her walking inside, her eyes placed firmly on my rear while I was bent over looking under her mattress. "I'd be upset about someone ruining my hard work but since it's you...I'll forgive you. You can mess up my bed anytime babe" she said with a wink.
I turned back around and clenched my jaw. You have to get used to this Tiffany, don't let them see it bother's you... "That's enough" I replied and stood up straight when I deemed her mattress free of contraband. One more place to look, under her bed.
With a slight sigh, I got down on my knees ignoring the whistle she made as I did so and saw nothing, but then...
"What's this?" I asked, pointing at something I saw. She got down next to me and looked to where I was pointing. It looked to be a blanket, it's corner poking down from the far side of her bed. It was knitted, something that you couldn't buy at the commissary and something that wasn't deemed appropriate since she already had the allowed amount of sheets and blankets that had been given to her,
"They gave it me when I first came here" she said with a shrug of her shoulders but I noticed her biting her lip nervously. Gotcha.
"That's contraband" I said as I stood back up and leaned over her bed. "It's not allowed" I took up the other side of her mattress and saw it was tucked in tight hidden under the covers well except for that one corner hanging down in view beneath her bed.
She bowed her head and then it was as if a light switch came on as her face lit up. She started to come towards me, her hips swaying and a smirk on her face.
"Listen...you don't have to tell anyone about this" she grinned and twirled a piece of her hair around her finger flirtatiously. "I can make you feel great, you'll forget all about it" I glanced down at her mouth to see was pursing her lips out and I let out a smile, making her sigh in relief.
"You're right" I replied. "You can make me feel great"
She trailed her eyes up and down my body taking a step nearer until I pulled out my radio.
"This is Hwang, I've discovered contraband in the first room of the North East unit during a search."
The woman's face was priceless. What...she actually believed that? Wow.
Once I finished giving my superior officer the details, I replaced the radio back into my belt and smiled again. "There, that did make me feel great" I said, looking into her eyes daringly "You've lost your right to recreation today. You'll stay inside and I'm confiscating this immediately" I ordered before grabbing the blanket and rolling it up, ready to hand it over to the officer who was on his way over here.
She said nothing, just bowed her head and sat down on her bed. I may have felt just a little bit guilty but then thought, it's just a blanket, grow up. I exited the room and waited for my senior who had made sure the officer who would let this unit out for their recreation period later on knew to keep her locked inside before taking the contraband from my hands.
"Good job" he smiled, then turning on his heels and walking away.
I smiled but continued on, finding more and more as I went along. Some of the women were fine, not having anything on them which made my job going from room to room much easier and quicker. Then...another girl. She was hiding a...phallic object made from god knows what. But it was sticky, clearly having been recently used and not cleaned afterwards. With disgust, I held it up in front of her.
"Heyheyhey what the hell. That's not mine!" She yelled.
"Of course it's not yours, it was hidden in your pillowcase because it walked there, clearly." I retorted earning me a grunt from the girl.
Again, I had to wait for the officer and then when he came, handed over the object while he handcuffed the girl ready for her punishment in solitary. I thought that was a tad excessive until he told me that she was always hiding one thing or another in her room, clearly not learning the consequences of having contraband.
I nodded and allowed her to go but not before he handed me a wet wipe to clean my hands, I thanked him and watched as she was dragged away trying to tell him she hadn't put it there. With a roll of my eyes, I went on my way.
As I entered the last room, I immediately saw that once again, it was spotless. Whether this girl was a clean freak or just obeyed the rules was a mystery...though I kind of resented the fact that I'd have to mess it up a little after what had happened yesterday.
I first made my way over to the table in the far corner of her room which only housed a bottle of water. I shook the bottle and then unscrewed the cap before smelling it to ensure it was in fact water...it was. Placing it back, I wandered over to a shelf above her bed which had a stack of paper and some pens and pencils in a cup.
I grabbed both and crouched down before sifting through the paper to make sure nothing was hidden. I indeed found nothing so placed the stack onto her bed while I emptied the cup of it's contents and once again, found it was clean.
It was a nice change...finding an inmate who didn't look to be hiding anything. My impression of her was good already and as I thought back to all of the room's I had just searched finding a variety of different things, it really was a breath of fresh air. Of course there were some inmate's that I previously went through without finding anything, but this one was different. I don't know why, she just was.
Aside from under her bed, the last place to check was the shelf that housed all her books. After what happened before, I was determined to handle them carefully, I had seen the fire in her eyes when Park had done what he did and to be honest, I was fully expecting her to swing for him. Of course I was glad she didn't but he totally deserved it.
So book after book, I went through the pages as well as shaking them out and afterwards I replaced each and every one of them, stacking them exactly as she had. Finally, I went over to her bed and pulled back the blankets, pulled up the mattress and then bent down to see underneath her bed. There, I found something. I held in my sigh thinking this was contraband, I had wanted her to be innocent, I really had. I grabbed what seemed like a notepad and stood back up, studying the outside to find it was in fact a sketch pad, and it had come from commissary judging by the stamp I found at the top.
With a smile, I began to open it but just at that moment I felt a draught come into the room followed by the feeling of being watched. Turning around swiftly, my eyes met hers and I somehow felt like I had been caught stealing or something. I watched on as she glanced from me to the pad in my hands with a cold expression.
"Sorry" I gave a small smile "It's uh...protocol."
She said nothing, instead going over to her now rather messy bed and flopping her body down on top of it, it's creaking loud as her weight affected the metal frames. I kept my eye on her and watched as she grabbed a book I seemed to have missed from under her sheet and started to read from where she left off.
I stared for a while longer until realising I still had the sketch pad in my hands. When I looked from that back up at her, she was now watching me. I didn't want to snoop, I knew she wasn't hiding anything but seeing as it was under her bed, it was something she wished she could keep private. I turned away from her slightly before opening the pad and flicking through the pages.
What I saw was amazing. She had black and white sketches of a few different people, none of whom I recognised but they were all very handsome and/or beautiful. There were a lot more pictures of one particular girl I noticed though... The detail in each of the drawings was incredible and I wouldn't be surprised if the pictures started to rise off the page. Maybe I was in the presence of a former artist here.
On and on I went until I came to the end of the drawings and the beginning of a lot of empty pages she had yet to fill with her art. Once I finally got to the end of the pad, I closed it and said nothing even though I wanted to praise her for how good her sketches were. If she had wanted it to be private, then I'd do my best to pretend it was so I approached the bed, crouched down and replaced the pad where I had found it, giving a slight bow of my head her way before standing upright.
I felt like an ass but..."Hey, I'm sorry but I have to check that too" I said as I motioned to the book she was reading. Again, no response but she did as she was told, handing it over. I kept one of my fingers on the page she was on so I didn't lose her place and then looked through the rest. Nothing, surprise surprise. "Clean" I smiled and turned it over to see the title - The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.
"Is this good?" I asked absentmindedly as I studied the cover. It seemed like an old piece, something I would see and then ignore if I was in a book store. I looked up and saw her nodding while still staring at the thing so I gave it back to her, holding on till the last minute so I wouldn't lose her page. She took it but then flickered her eyes to mine, those specks of lighter brown in them hitting the light wonderfully. "What's it about?" I asked, forgetting that the girl doesn't talk.
She frowned and it was then that I remembered. Now feeling a little awkward and not knowing what to say, I bowed my head and turned to leave, shutting the door behind me. Stupid.
I don't know why...but her and that book stuck in my mind even when I was on the way home after that exhausting long shift. I stopped at a red light and put on my handbrake, fighting the urge to close my eyes and sleep right there. It was then that I saw a small shop just a little distance away from where I was now. Through tired, squinted eyes I saw it was only slightly illuminated by a small light in the window and when I pulled off and studied it, looking at the name as I passed by, I saw it was a book store.
I really wanted to go home, get in the shower and then go to bed...but my head was still focused on what was so interesting about such a seemingly boring book. With a hiss of frustration, I turned the car around and parked nearby before taking the cold and lonely stroll to the shop. I cursed myself over and over as I entered, the ding from the bell above the door making the elderly employee look my way and then bow. I did the same and turned to look around at the vast array of literature. Trying to find one book in this place would be impossible, but I tried. And I failed.
"Good evening" I bowed when I reached the counter, giving up my own search and requiring help.
"Good evening, how can I help you?" The man smiled, showing off his lack of teeth.
"I'm looking for a book but can't quite remember..." Damn it, I was so annoyed at having to subject myself to something like this out of pure curiosity that I had forgotten the name of it.
"That okay" he chuckled "Try to explain the story and I'll see if I can help you"
"That's the thing" I smiled shyly. "I don't know."
"Hm. Well that makes it a little harder"
"Um..." I racked my brains for that title. "The Heart something...Lonely? Um..."
"Can you describe the cover?"
"It had this guy, a cowboy I think standing in front of a train carriage...?"
"Ah" he grinned and walked out from the counter, leading me over to a section of books. "It's one of my favourites" I smiled once I knew he had read it and knew it well and watched as he rummaged around before finally taking out the book I desired.
"That's it" I smiled and walked back to the counter, taking out my purse.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure" I replied, watching as he scanned the label and took my cash.
"What would a young girl like you want with a book like this? I've only ever seen older people reading it."
"I..." What could I say? I saw a prisoner reading it and the curiosity got the better of me? "It was recommended by someone I know" I smiled and took the bag he now held out with the book inside.
"Well...enjoy" he bowed and waved as I exited, going back to my car. As soon as I got to it, I got inside and took the book out of the bag before reading the blurb on the back of it.
'Carson McCullers' prodigious first novel was published to instant acclaim when she was just twenty-three. Set in a small town in the middle of the deep South, it is the story of John Singer, a lonely deaf-mute, and a disparate group of people who are drawn towards his kind, sympathetic nature. The owner of the café where Singer eats every day, a young girl desperate to grow up, an angry socialist drunkard, a frustrated black doctor: each pours their heart out to Singer, their silent confidant, and he in turn changes their disenchanted lives in ways the could never imagine. Moving, sensitive and deeply humane, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter explores loneliness, the human need for understanding and the search for love.'
Yeah...definitely not the type of book I would read. But nevertheless, I made my way home, ran myself a bath and then got inside, taking the book with me.
I had only read a few pages when almost immediately the overall feeling's of the main character were made apparent to me.
Loneliness...
Suffering in silence...
Isolation...
It was no surprise to me to realise that that girl, was most definitely feeling all three.