Tired was an understatement. Call me stupid, or weird, or unprofessional but I had stayed up most the night reading that book page by page until it ended. I have absolutely no idea why, but every time I had told myself 'after this page I'll put it down'... I never did. It wasn't because it was a particularly incredible book that I literally could not put down due to the fear of forgetting a certain line the next morning, I just felt like it was necessary to finish it all in one go.
It was a good book, again not one I would particularly read when I felt the need to escape to another world but I guess...that girl? That girl needed to once in a while though again, why that particular book? Nevertheless, I wanted to understand her so I took it along with me.
It was full of sadness, isolation and a lot of lonely thoughts. If I were a prisoner, I'd be reading the happy things, the romantic things, things I couldn't wait to experience when I got out. But she seemed to want to dwell, concentrate on her surroundings rather than forgetting them for that short while she was reading.
I thought about both it and her all the way through my drive to work, doing so even further when I caught a glance of that book poking out of my bag on the passenger seat. I really don't know why but there was this overwhelming urge screaming at me to go into her room and look through her collection of books on that shelf. That was very wrong of me, I was becoming too curious of this girl. Also trying to find excuses for my behaviour was hard but I eventually put it down to my brief stint of wanting to become a therapist. Her feelings that she was keeping inside of her wasn't healthy and I understood that I just wanted to help her, to bring her out of her shell a little maybe.
I had noticed nobody wanted to be around her which was sad in itself, her being so young and all but she herself didn't help things by isolating herself from the others. I wanted to help her make friends and not enemies. Prison was lonely enough, but without people to talk to at all? That was even worse.
Entering the prison building and then exiting the staff room an hour later told me that today I was to do the count, then the contraband search and finally a new job...watching over recreation. With a big, confident smile I made my way to my assigned corridor and grabbed the count clicker ready to do my job.
I was excited for later on, it was only my third day but already my tasks were getting repetitive. The recreation task however was something new and I couldn't wait to be in charge of watching over such a vast number of inmate's all at one time.
"Count time ladies!" I called out before repeating it two more times and waiting for the first door to open up. One by one, all of the inmate's awoke and opened their doors ready for me and five minutes later I made my way into the first one, then the second and so on.
I got around three-quarters of the way through the inmate's before I entered a room and saw one prisoner standing where she should be, her head bowed though I distinctly remember she had a roommate. I frowned and placed my hand on my radio immediately. Had the inmate gotten out? Just as I was about to call for help, I saw a big lump over the side of the room underneath the covers. On closer inspection, a loud snore came from that heap of blankets and I tutted in frustration.
"Inmate! Get up now!" I shouted, soon trying to hold back my laughter as this prisoner with a sheet on top of her squealed and jumped up only to fall right back down, albeit on top of my feet. I stayed put while I watched her unravel the blanket from herself and then notice my legs in front of her. Slowly she raised her head until she saw me looking down on her with a stern expression, though I really was trying not to chuckle at her predicament.
"I'm sorry," she said as she bowed her head and tripped a few more times before getting to her feet, limping to the middle of the room.
I cleared my throat and made my way over to the two of them. "Did you hurt yourself inmate?" I asked.
"Uh...no." I wasn't stupid, she winced as she said that so I ordered her to go back to her bed and to tell the CO who would be around after me that I had allowed her to sit down.
"Tell him Officer Hwang okay'd it, alright? I'll be back later to get someone to escort you to the nurse."
"Thank you," she bowed and gave a small smile.
"No problem."
I had disappeared from sight but still heard what she said when I had left. "She's nice, I like her."
As I walked further away, I felt good in myself and then imagined what Officer Park would have done. He probably would have laughed and made her stand there the whole time. I hadn't realised that those two in that room were a couple and I had just had a normal conversation with a lesbian despite disliking them.
On and on I went until I came to the last room. I frowned when I saw the door was closed, the inmate should be up and waiting for me but once I opened the door to reveal the inside, she was doing neither.
I really didn't want to get her into trouble but she could not do this. The girl was lying in bed, still fast asleep despite the bright light shining above her door indicating that it was count time. I made my way over to her and just as I was about to order her to get up... I saw the book I had gone to get yesterday lying next to her.
I smiled as I picked it up and realised that she too had finished it seeing as the book was free of her bookmarks. I was about to set it back when I saw there was another just beside it, hidden slightly under the blankets. Checking my watch I saw that I didn't have time to see what it was so I quickly replaced the book beside her and clicked her before running out the room.
I ran back in a second later hitting myself inwardly for forgetting to wake her.
"Hey, can you get up?" I asked nicely but loudly and watched as her brow furrowed and then her eyes flickered open, taking a few seconds before coming into focus. "Hey," I smiled. "I've counted you but the other officer will be coming round at any moment and I need you to get up..."
She said nothing surprise surprise but thankfully she nodded and yawned before getting up and standing in the middle of the room, her head bowed tiredly. I walked over to the door and looked outside, soon seeing the officer about nine or so doors away.
"Wanna read your book before he comes?" I smirked, remembering how it went before. She looked up and I saw something flash in her eyes before she shook her head.
"Okay, suit yourself." I replied, looking back out the doorway. Seven doors away... "How come you weren't up today?" I asked, knowing full well she wouldn't answer but I was curious nonetheless. She shrugged but then a big yawn took over her face making me chuckle. "Ah, that's why."
"Hwang, let me compare" a deep voice called out, surprising me, he had sneaked up rather quickly. I handed my fellow officer my remote and he let out a sigh of relief.
"Perfect," he smiled. "Come on then, I'll walk you back to the start so you can do your cleaning inspection and contraband search."
"Alright, let's go." I replied, giving the girl a parting glance as I went.
There was absolutely no contraband hidden today much to my delight. It was always a hassle to have to call another CO and then wait for him to come collect any illegal items I discovered but thankfully today I didn't have to. But then again, I was only halfway through the number of inmate's. Hopefully though, it would all go well and I could get through it quickly.
Almost all of them were out of their rooms except for that same girl who had hurt herself this morning. I had completely forgotten to call someone to come help her get over to the nurse but what I saw made me think twice about getting her help. She was sat on her bed, with her roommate straddling her. The order I was going to give died in my mouth as I watched on in disgust at how the one on top was groping and feeling the injured one underneath her.
All of a sudden though, she looked up and pushed off her...girlfriend? She smiled when she saw me but from the look on my face she dropped it soon after.
"Hey...Officer. Are you taking me to the nurse now? It's gotten pretty swollen," she said as she held out her ankle. It did look bad but there was this rising feeling within me that just wanted to leave. To leave her to it after the sin I had seen her commit. What I had seen replayed over and over in my head and the urge to turn my back was getting stronger and stronger. "Officer?"
Both women were looking at me now as my fingers played with the radio antenna. For them going against God's wishes, should I punish them by leaving her in obvious discomfort or should I be an example to them by helping and being the child God intended me to be? It took a while but after thinking about Officer Park and how I'd be no better than him if I left, I sighed and got out my radio, calling for an officer to escort her down to the infirmary.
I then turned to leave her room but was stopped when she thanked me again.
"Thank you Officer..." She squinted at my chest and I covered it up immediately. However, I felt a little silly when she merely stated she was trying to look at my nametag.
"Hwang" I choked out, still feeling the effects of what I had seen plus the embarrassment of jumping to conclusions like that.
"Thank you Officer Hwang," she smiled sweetly. "I appreciate it, not one CO here apart from maybe one or two exceptions would have done what you had just now. I'm really grateful."
I nodded but watched as her...girlfriend caressed her hand with her thumb while she was talking to me. One part of me was still reasonably uncomfortable with the display of affection yet the other was confused. She seemed so nice, yet she's a homosexual...those don't mix, or at least I'd never seen them mix. Every lesbian or gay man I ever came across in my life was horrible, perving on women or men and talking down to others thinking that their lifestyle ruled over the norm of heterosexual relationships. This was completely new to me.
"It's uh...it's okay." I replied and began to walk around looking for contraband and once finished, stopped in front of her. "If nobody comes by the time I return from my contraband search, I'll take you there myself alright?"
Yes...I'd already thought of that I'd have to touch her, to touch a lesbian who would have her arm around me, albeit for support but still the contact being there. However, seeing a seemingly nice one had put me at ease a little. I was sure, or at least very hopeful that if I came back and she hadn't been seen to, leaving me with the responsibility of taking her to the nurse, she'd keep her hands to herself.
Pushing that aside for the moment, back to work...each search was the same outcome. Nothing. So I was at the last door after around ten minutes. Walking inside, I saw she wasn't there so I did as I had done yesterday, checking that same water bottle that was still on her table and then quietly making my way over to the shelf she had. I told myself not to snoop, that it was rude and disrespectful so while holding myself back, I simply flicked through the pages and replaced them without looking at the title's.
Looking in her sketchbook showed the beginning of a new drawing, I think it was a woman judging by only half an outline but I was sure it'd take time to get to the level and detail of the other drawings before it. This girl had a lot of time on her hands so it should be done in a few days, ready for my nosey self to take a peek.
Now having gone through everything except for the book I had in my hands, I looked at my watch and then glanced outside to see that I had both time and privacy to check out the book she's started reading recently - Speak
The bookmark she had made was over halfway, no wonder she was tired this morning. If she had, like me read the ending to the previous book plus started on this new one last night, she for sure would be exhausted, bless her.
With a curious frown, I turned the book over and read the blurb just like I had done with the previous book. I found the overall plot to be much more interesting than the first but although the first had proven to be good and to me, explained the girl who lived in this room well...this plot, was even more similar. Quite frighteningly similar actually.
'The first ten lies they tell you in high school.
"Speak up for yourself-we want to know what you have to say." From the first moment of her freshman year at Merryweather High, Melinda knows this is a big fat lie, part of the nonsense of high school. She is friendless, an outcast because she busted an end-of-summer party by calling the cops, so now nobody will talk to her, let alone listen to her.
As time passes, she becomes increasingly isolated and practically stops talking altogether. Only her art class offers any solace, and it is through her work on an art project that she is finally able to face what really happened at that terrible party: she was raped by an upperclassman, a guy who still attends Merryweather and is still a threat to her. Her healing process has just begun when she has another violent encounter with him. But this time Melinda fights back, refuses to be silent, and thereby achieves a measure of vindication. In Laurie Halse Anderson's powerful novel, an utterly believable heroine with a bitterly ironic voice delivers a blow to the hypocritical world of high school. She speaks for many a disenfranchised teenager while demonstrating the importance of speaking up for oneself.'
Friendless outcast...
Isolated...
Seeks refuge in art...
Losing the ability to talk...
After reading the plot, I hoped it wasn't as similar to her as I had first thought due to reading the word 'rape' in the summary...but again it seemed that reading this book could get me closer to underst-
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard footsteps and when I looked up, she was standing in front of me, her eyes flickering from my eyes to the book in my hands. I felt like a kid that had been caught by their mother with their hand in the cookie jar. Quickly I tried to pretend that I had been checking it for contraband but she wasn't stupid, and I was a terrible actor. My hands had gotten clammy, and my breath had quickened and those paired together made what I thought to be the worst thing happen to the girl. I dropped the book...and as it fell to the ground I thought that what I had done was no better than what Park did before, pushing her books off of the shelf.
Only...when he did it, he didn't break the books. I did.
The spine of it must have been weak or something but the pages just flowed out of it as soon as it hit the ground. With a slacked jaw and sorrowful eyes, knowing how much these books meant to her I expected nothing less than the look of hatred she had given Park previously. And that's exactly what I got.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"
She stormed into the room only clad in a towel after her shower, her neck taut and showing every vein as she clenched her jaw and looked at the book scattered across the room. I crouched down and attempted to gather each page together and in order but it was no use...they were everywhere.
"Inmate I'm sorry I-"
"Get out."
If she had spoken another time, I'd be overjoyed. But the hate filling up her deep and husky voice was enough to make me want to never hear it again.
"I'm really sorry, I'll replace it."
As I slowly stood and raised my eye-line, I was alarmed to see her close up. She had taken many steps forward and was now only inches away from my own face. The iciness seeping out of her was enough to give me frostbite, to give everybody in this prison the damn thing but right now it was only meant for me. I looked into her eyes and in contrast to the coldness she gave off, her eyes were on fire.
Some of you may be thinking..."It's only a book, she's got loads of them."
If you were locked in a room for most of your days, not reliant on the company of friends, or of the people who basically take care of you yet hold you prisoner at the same time, sometimes, books are your only refuge. They certainly are hers.
I couldn't help thinking that me doing this, would change her attitude towards me for the rest of my time here. She'd looked at me with such anger and hatred that our relationship, whatever it is or was, wouldn't be the same again. I prayed that she wouldn't think I was worse than Officer Park, but maybe that prayer wasn't to be answered anytime soon.
I crouched down again and grabbed the dismembered cover from the book, looking at the name again - Speak.
Well...she had spoken to me.