Chapter 12:

A Really Bad Welcome Home

Artemis Fowl Senior often looked back on that moment when he was in the car with his wife as the last regular moment of his life.

The convention in Dublin was fairly boring, as were all the exclusive rich-fancy-froo-froo parties that he and Angeline were invited to nowadays. Oh, how he wished he hadn't let himself be convinced to go. He could have stayed at home, and rode the horses out to the docks with the boys for a sea-side picnic.

"Well, that was lovely" said Angeline Fowl, oblivious to her husband's discomfort.

"Oh, yes dear," he agreed half-heartedly. "Suffocating in a boiling ballroom, being chatted up by rich snobs I don't even recognize. And don't get me started on the food…"

Angeline scowled. "Timmy, I thought you said you enjoyed yourself."

"Dear, sweet heart, I say that because I don't want you to beat me up in public."

Angeline tried to keep scowling, but she started to giggle. "True, that wouldn't be very 'posh' now, would it?"

Artemis Sr. laughed. "No, it would not."

Angeline settled into her seat. The manor was coming up into sight now. The twins are probably in bed by now, she thought, but Artemis must be up. He'll surely insist on taking our luggage for us. The poor boy'll probably break his arms.

Angeline let out a small sigh, quiet enough so her husband wouldn't hear it. Poor Artemis; he had had to spend two days in a house with two screaming young boys, which would rattle any teenagers nerves. But Artemis already had his stress; all of his fairy escapades, having to lie to his father, the constant fear of death… oh, God I never thought about that! The poor boy!

Angeline resolved to do something for her eldest when she got home. Maybe make him something to drink, or help him with one of his projects. The manor was coming up closer now; she could see it quite clearly now, which was strange seeing as it was night. Perhaps Butler left the outdoor lights on…Oh, dear God. Not this.

Angeline gripped the dashboard. "Timmy," she said, "I think there's something wrong with the engine. The light's been flashing…"

But it was too late. Artemis Fowl Sr. had seen the lights around his manor. "What in blazes is going on?!" he exclaimed, before flooring the accelerator.

Oh dear, thought Angeline, this might get a little interesting….

The Fowl's car pulled up in the front of the manor, and was immediately swarmed by a dozen Retrieval and Recon officers, all aiming their Neutrinos right at the Bentley. Artemis Sr. looked aghast.

"What…what the hell is going on!?" he yelled as he was dragged from the car.

"Don't move!" came one of many orders shouted at the couple. "Hands on your head!" "Freeze, Mud Men! Just give me a reason!"

Angeline looked around, hoping to find someone who would help. Instead, she found a tall man in a trench coat pointing one pistol at her, the other at Artemis Sr.

"Agent Stockard, MI-5" he said coldly. "Now what the hell do you think you're doing here?"

Artemis Sr. was about to spit uncharacteristically vicious obscenities at Stockard, but he saw two large people in the shapes of the Butler siblings running towards them. There was one of the small men sitting on Butler's shoulder.

"STOP!" Butler hollered. "This is Master and Mrs. Fowl! These are Artemis' parents!"

Immediately all the officers dropped their guns.

Butler and Juliet ran up to Mr. and Mrs. Fowl. Butler stared at Stockard, jerking his thumb to indicate he should leave. Stockard simply shrugged, and walked away.

Trouble, who was the little man on Butler's shoulder, jumped down and hollered at all the officers. "Back to work! And someone get Fowl down here now!"

Butler helped Artemis Sr. to his feet. "Welcome back, Mr. Fowl, sir. You had a pleasant trip back, I hope? Not too much traffic?"

"Butler," Artemis Sr. wheezed, "What the hell is happening here?"

Butler chose not to answer that question. "Dublin was fun, hopefully? Not too many of those snobbish-"

"Butler!" No such luck. "What is…who are these…what are these…"

Angeline gripped her husband's arm. "Timmy, perhaps you should calm down, maybe take a breath and think about this."

"Calm DOWN!? Angeline, how can you honestly tell me to calm down when we have…" he motioned to the ships and tents all laid out on his lawn, "…all this right on my front lawn?!"

Trouble walked up. "Sir, perhaps I misunderstood, but you really don't know what's going on?"

Artemis Sr. shook his head. "No, I do not. What the hell are you? Pointed ears, for God's sake. What are you, a fairy?"

"Yes, Timmy, he's a fairy," Angeline said, pulling on his arm. "Now, why don't we go inside and say hello to Arty, and then you can…"

It couldn't have been a worse moment for Foaly to trot up to them.

"Hey, gang," he said cheerfully, oblivious to what was going on, "What's with all the commotion?"

Artemis Sr. keeled over right on the spot.

…..Nothing. All black….then BAM! A horrible smell everywhere!

Artemis Sr. awoke sputtering, and the first thing he saw was a very hairy rear end not five inches away from his face. This being the first thing he saw, he acted in a manner that would be considered appropriate given the situation.

"!" He shot up off the ground, flailing his arms.

Mulch buttoned up his bum flap. "Told you that would wake him up."

Artemis Sr. looked around. He was in the kitchen now, surrounded by Angeline, Artemis, Butler, Juliet, a strange girl, a giant lizard, the man from before, and what looked like a hairy Munchkin.

Artemis looked at the munchkin. "Results notwithstanding, be lucky you didn't damage his sense of smell, Mulch."

The munchkin called Mulch made a face, but Artemis turned to his father. "Good to see you again, Father" he said quite cheerfully, unusual for Artemis. "I hope you had a good-"

"Stop right there" said Artemis Sr. "I don't want to hear another word unless it explains what the hell is going on."

Angeline moved forward. "Timmy, maybe you should go lie down for a while…"

"No lying down, no 'taking it easy'. I want to know what's going on. First; why is there that…circus on my front lawn? Second; who…what the hell are these people." He pointed to pointed to the fairies in the room. "And third-"

The Doctor barged through the kitchen door, covered in a mass of wires. "Could I get everyone to follow me to the conference room? If I'm right, I think there is a very good chance of us dying very painfully in the next few hours if we don't-"

The Doctor noticed that everyone in the room was staring at him. "Uh…is something going on?"

Holly nodded. "There's something going on."

"Ah. It can wait, then." And with that, he slinked out, trailing wires behind him.

Artemis Sr.'s throat was very dry. "And who the hell was that?"

Butler shrugged. "Dammed if we knew."

Artemis was rubbing his temples. "Perhaps it would be best if I explained things.Holly and Butler, you tow can stay. As for the rest, do you think you could wait outside for a bit?"

Everyone proceeded to leave the kitchen, even Mulch, except he thought it best to raid the fridge one last time before he went. When everyone was gone, Artemis sat down in front of his father.

"Before I explain everything, I want you to know that I was meaning to tell you this, especially since Mother thought it would be best. And yes, she did know about this, and I'll tell you why. But first you need to understand how it all began. You see, Father, it started when you were lost at sea…"

And so for the next half hour, Artemis regaled his tales of adventure, with Holly and Butler supplying added information. Artemis Sr. could only sit and listen, almost refusing to believe what he was hearing. His son a kidnapped a fairy? Travelled through time? Butler had taken on an entire army of goblins? They were the reason he was still alive?

"…and that's why everyone's here now" Artemis concluded, wringing his thumbs. The two people and one fairy all looked at him, waiting to see how he would react.

Artemis Sr. was still processing the information that was given to him. He had so many question, just waiting on the tip of his tongue. He opened his mouth, wanting to say all of them at once.

What actually came out was: "Wow. Okay, then."

The three others looked at him. Artemis started chuckling, and leaned back in his chair. Holly did the same, and Butler just rubbed his eyes, smiling for some reason. "How does it feel to be in the loop, finally?" he said.

Artemis Sr. looked thoughtful. "…Not bad. At least things make a bit more sense now. If sense is the right word."

Holly chuckled. "It is. Trust me."

The Doctor, who had been eavesdropping by the door, poked his head back in through the door. "Are you all finished? Good, because like I was saying, good chance we're all gonna die reeeeaaally soon. Shall we head to the conference room, now?"