I'd be lying if I said I slept well that night. As I tossed and I turned, all that was on my mind was her. I was worried for her, I was worried that that place would turn her into one of the people in the cells around her. Thinking about that, I had no doubt in my mind that if I walked into that room and saw she had changed, either gotten weaker or shut herself out even more...It would hurt my heart.
I didn't know her, nor did I know why she was in prison, whether she had friends or family but what I did know was that she was slowly opening up to me and me only. I was the person who had the most potential to make a difference to her life and I had no fucking idea why I wanted to make that change.
As I grabbed the glass of water by my bedside and downed it trying to alleviate my dried out throat caused by praying that she'd be okay and have a good night sleep, I realised that this girl had awakened things within me that I didn't even know existed. I felt like I needed to be there for her, I felt like I needed to get her to trust me so she'd have somebody to talk to when she's ready.
Trying to think of reasons for doing this…was this like being maternal? Was I trying to be something like a mother figure to this girl because she looked like she was only in her teens?
Amongst those prayers, I also prayed for myself. I prayed that I'd get to patrol solitary even though I know it was impossible. Newbies couldn't do something like that, only the most experienced CO's were allowed to watch over those particular inmates. Why? Because that's where the most dangerous ones were housed, the mass murderers, serial rapists and bombers that had killed hundreds if not thousands of people.
Solitary was watched by around five officers at a time, all bulky and burly men. Maybe it was sexism, I'm not sure but I knew that if Taeyeon wasn't in one of those cells, I'd want to keep as far away as possible from them.
The alarm clock rang soon after I decided to try to get another hour or so. Part of me was ready to jump out of bed and go and see her but the other wanted to stay in bed and groan for I had only managed three hours sleep, if that. Nevertheless a job was a job so I got up, did my business and left in record time. The drive to work was even harder than getting up this morning as all my eyes wanted to do was close. I was lucky that there weren't many cars on the road or I may have just crashed, I guess I had to thank the stupidly early hour shift for that.
Thankfully I got there unharmed and in one piece but really wasn't in the mood for action today. I grunted at my colleagues as they greeted me and then patted me down before walking into the main building, the strong lights in contrast to the still reasonably dark outside actually causing pain to my eyes. And just to top off my exhaustion, worry and irritability, I saw none one other than King Kong walking around looking like the Cheshire cat. She was walking with a slight limp and a hand on her stomach which managed to cheer me up a little and I fought the urge to smirk but the smile on her face really didn't sit well with me. She may as well have a sign stuck to her forehead saying 'I got Kim sent to Solitary!' Why the hell was she even here? Why wasn't she in the SHU too? I guess because good old Nichkhun had gone easy on her whereas the person who refused to sit and get beaten to a pulp and fought back in self-defence got thrust into a small and filthy room for punishment. This place is fucked up, angry wasn't even the word to describe my mood right now.
Unable to look at her foul face any longer, I marched straight over to his office, actually having to wait outside for a few moments to control myself before walking inside without knocking.
"Tiffany, hey" he smiled "Are you okay? You look tired" No shit Sherlock.
With a super fake smile, I sat down opposite him "I'm curious as to why I've run into Kong just outside your office" I said with a straight to-the-point tone, he didn't seem to notice however. Instead he was staring with that same vile smirk I usually encountered but more disgusting if that was even possible...He wasn't staring in my eyes either.
Due to the rush this morning, I had maybe accidentally left a few buttons undone on my shirt which showed my cleavage. Not caring whether I made it obvious, I simply buttoned up my top and looked at him with a subtle glare while he redirected his gaze and gave a slight chuckle.
"Kong?" he finally replied, politely looking into my eyes this time.
"Big girl, involved in the fight with Kim yesterday" I answered, my tone monotonous.
"Ahhh. Well yes, she's new so she's been given a warning. Plus she's only just gotten out of the infirmary." I gave a slight smile at that, bowing my head and clearing my throat to take attention away from it though.
"Can I ask when Kim will be allowed to return to her room?"
"A few more days will straighten her out" he answered. He couldn't have sounded nice if he tried which just caused me to clench my fists, not caring that my nails became embedded into my palm and would soon emit blood from my skin from the force.
"How many days is a few more days…" I didn't particularly want to know the answer fearing that it'd be longer than I initially thought... I was right.
"I guess a week should do it. The little bitch will learn her lesson by then I hope" How could he just sit there and sentence a young girl to something like that? What the hell was wrong with him? Was it just to get revenge for her talking back to him yesterday? Wow, just wow. My anger was at its peak and the urge to inflict bodily harm on this man was getting to be a nuisance.
"Can I also ask..." I cleared my throat and lowered my head trying to avoid showing my eyes that right now, if anything like Taeyeon's were alight with fire. "…how old she is?"
"Who, Kim?" I nodded my head, still not looking into his eyes for fear he'd find something within my own. "Why on earth would it be necessary to have that information?" Now he sounded suspicious, perfect.
"I was just wondering..." I replied while trying to think up a reason to want to know.
"I don't know whether to treat her like a kid or like an adult and it's frustrating." I smiled slightly, hopefully coming across like I didn't care about her.
"I still don't see why that's any of your business."
"Oh, okay" I replied with obvious frustration and went to stand up only to stop when he spoke soon after.
"She's not 'Taeyeon'" he said, making me furrow my brows in confusion. "She's not 'Kim' either." He rose from his seat and walked around his desk before sitting on the edge, right in front of me and looking down at me as he spoke. "She's 'inmate'"
I said nothing though it was clear to me what he was saying. He was basically requesting that I don't call her anything but inmate and that I wasn't entirely happy to do. Not when we had come so far, not when I had the potential to help her open up. I'd need to use her forename eventually when she started to trust me.
"Say 'inmate' like they are all the same to you. It reminds them that they're not really people"
"But they are people" I retorted.
"You can't think that way. They are sheep. We feed them and herd them from one room to the next. They are not like you. She is not someone you can befriend and then have coffee with. It's not possible." He then leaned forward until he was uncomfortably close and whispered in my ear. "She's nobody."
"She's somebody" I raised my voice a little, standing up quickly causing the chair I was sitting on to screech before taking a step away from him. "They are all somebody. We are not told their crimes because we are expected to treat them all the same. Some CO's are harsh and unforgiving but this one?" I pointed myself and realised there was no stopping my passionate argument now, regardless of the fact that I was talking to my boss this way. "This one believes in treating them nicely, fairly unless they throw it back in my face" I'd already had this conversation with Park… "I'm sorry if you don't like that but that's the way I am."
I was offended to see he was smiling throughout my whole speech while shaking his head, disagreeing with everything I was saying. "What makes you think any of them want your pity? They don't care for your kindness, they don't care for your sweet words or your nice tone Tiffany. All they care about, are the keys on your belt, the pin in your hair...All they care about, is freedom."
This man was no better than some of the despicable officer's working in this building. He was obviously their leader, they lived to please him. I scoffed and started to walk out hearing him speak once I had gone out of eyesight.
"You may leave."
As if I had expected my prayers to get to go down to solitary to be granted, I went to find out my posts for the day only to be disappointed. I was to do the usual - Counting, contraband search and watching over breakfast etc etc. I was pleased to see I'd be with Yuri for the contraband sweep but I still wanted to go to the SHU to at least see that Taeyeon was alive.
Clearly, that wasn't to be so instead I tried to forget she was down there suffering and put my work head on to get on with things. It worked at least, after telling myself she was a tough young woman and could handle herself I got through the count pretty easily and started the contraband search without so much of a thought about the girl, finding myself having a nice time talking to some of the other inmates. For example the girl who hurt her ankle…I found out her name was Jang and she used to work in a bank until (in her own words) she told me she got too greedy for her own good, attempting to sneak some money each time people came to add to their bank accounts.
I was reasonably impressed as she explained how she had worked out that a certain corner near the desk wasn't covered by the security cameras so used it to her advantage until one day she got caught. She had stolen over 800,000 won by the time she slipped up and exposed the money which was then shown going into her pocket.
"How long are you in for?" I asked out of curiosity as I searched under the mattress for anything dangerous or not allowed. I was waiting on Yuri to come and join me but it seemed she was late. Very professional...
"Not quite sure anymore" she shrugged. "It's hard to keep track of time in here. I was sentenced to six years but have no idea how much I have left to serve…What about you officer?" she smirked, watching what I was doing.
"What about me?" I replied, finally finishing in her room and standing up to face her properly.
"Have you done anything bad?"
I grinned and shook my head in denial but she knew better. She kept pleading with me to tell her but I wasn't going to budge, instead I subtly admitting some things.
"We aren't that different really" I smiled and placed my hands on my hips. "I'm sure you regret what you did, and I look back on some of things I've done and figure they weren't the best choices. The only difference between us is…I didn't get caught."
"Oooo I like it" she winked. I surprised myself by winking back…wait, what was I doing…was I flirting? Oh good heavens no, what a ridiculous thought. "So you're not going to tell me what you've done?"
"Uh, nope" I chuckled and turned to leave after saying goodbye, feeling slightly awkward.
As I walked out, I was looking at the ground and didn't notice the person in front of me so I banged straight into them, tripping and falling to the ground rather embarrassingly afterwards.
"Ow, gosh i'm sorry" I apologised and raised my line of vison to see it was none other than Yuri, Officer Kwon looking down on me.
"Why hello there Tiffany" she grinned and gave me a hand back up. "Nice to bump into you"
"Ha ha" I replied sarcastically while dusting off my uniform, who the hell cleans these floors? Whoever does it does a terrible job, I was covered!
"Here, let me help" she smiled and started to pat my body as if she was giving me a strip search only to then move behind me and do the same, albeit a little harder. When she got to my butt…well, let's just say I jerked a little though she just looked at me like it was a normal thing to do to slap a woman's butt. Okay then...
"Thanks…" I said awkwardly before we both started to walk down the corridors in silence.
We each took a different room before moving on to the next two and so on. I liked how it was much faster to get through all the doors and wished I could have Yuri at my service for all the contraband searches, it would be so much better and easier.
"So Hwang" she said while she was waiting for me to finish a room, leaving me the last one. I hadn't thought much of it because I was too preoccupied with my work and what Yuri was saying. "Made any prison friends?"
I paused for a second before continuing going through the items under an inmate's bed. "We aren't allowed to make friends with inmates here Yuri, didn't you know that? Unprofessional much?" I rolled my eyes playfully expecting her to pout or shout 'Yah' at me but instead felt her boot kick my butt gently causing me to topple forward until thankfully managing to stop myself face-planting. I looked up at her with a frown to see her sulking while looking to the side.
Is this how Korean girls acted with each other? I know some American's would do that but I had never thought it appropriate for a girl to touch any intimate areas of mine. I was getting to be a bit uncomfortable with how open and uncaring she seemed as if what she was doing was nothing, especially since she knows how I feel about homosexuals but I didn't say anything…I'd give her another chance before I said something.
"Behave yourself Hwang or i'll set you up with Nichkhun, now that is a threat that you should try to avoid at all costs."
"Huh, fine" I replied with a scoff and stood up to go to the next room that unbeknownst to me was the last room.
As soon as I tore my eyes away from Yuri after being slightly paranoid of whether she would do something else to my butt, I looked into the room now in front of me when from the corner of my eye I saw her frown while scanning it. What I saw….wow. Taeyeon's room was trashed, utterly ruined. Her books were strewn over the floor, almost all of the pages ripped and covering the ground. Her bed sheets had been ripped in half and the worst thing? The pictures in her sketchbook had been ripped out and stuck to the wall having been drawn over, completely ruining the beautiful art that she had spent no doubt days creating each one.
"Fuck" Yuri said as she looked around.
"..." I said nothing.
"Do you know who would do this? I know Kim's in solitary but…"
"Tell Nichkhun please" I replied calmly though my teeth were grinding against each other painfully. "Tell him to question Kong and her gang."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure" my jaw was now clenched to try to control my anger but the growl that came through my voice was obvious in itself. I saw Yuri looked at me strangely before exiting the room, leaving me to stare at the carnage before me. Taeyeon would be destroyed if she saw this, if she knew. I wished I could replace it all and tidy the room to pretend that nothing happened but unfortunately, Taeyeon had to know. And I don't know whether it was a good thing or a bad one but when Nichkhun showed up and took photos on his phone for evidence, he told me I should go down to the SHU to tell her myself.
While walking down the corridor leading to the secure housing unit, I had conflicting thoughts going through my mind. On one side, I was happy that I would see her, to see whether she was alright and if not attempt to cheer her up with my company but the other…? The other was slightly scared at how she would react when I told her, and how I may see a side of Kim Taeyeon I would come to hate.
It was obvious that the girl was of course already stressed being in that place, add this fucking hate crime on top and I may just witness what she showed towards Kong…only directed my way instead.
By the time I got to the door that separated us, all I wanted to do was walk away, to get someone else to tell her but this was my job. So with a heavy heart, I unlocked and entered the room, looking inside for her.
She looked like the girl I had witnessed the first time I had laid eyes on her, the one laying on her bed all calm and reserved except she didn't have a book with her. The opening of the door didn't deter her concentrated face as she stared at the stains on the ceiling, I took a glance up there myself to see red blotches that looked worryingly like blood. How it was on the ceiling I don't know but it freaked me out a little to see how she was looking at it with so much interest.
Once I stepped inside and closed the door behind me, I cleared my throat and was relieved to have her snap out of whatever daze she was in and then sit up lazily. I almost gave a tearful eye-smile when I saw the corners of her lips turn up into the tiniest smile imaginable because I knew it would disappear soon...replaced with rage, upset or something else along those lines.
"Hi" I smiled, my voice almost breaking. She said nothing but bowed her head slightly while swinging her legs back and forth off the end of the bed like a child who was too small to reach the floor. "Um…"
How do I even begin?
"How are you holding up?" I asked, no longer looking into her eyes as I leaned on the door wanting nothing more than to speak to her through the slat that was used to give food. At least then I wouldn't be able to see her face.
"Fine" she replied, an obvious lie. I glanced up at her to see her smile had disappeared already replaced with a curious frown. Was I that obvious?
Taking a deep breath of courage before walking over and crouching down in front of her, I made sure there was plenty of distance between us before attempting to explain what had happened but failing miserably. "I…uh…you-"
"Spit it out" she ordered. Her tone harsh as if she already knew what was coming. I sighed and did my best.
"This morning after checking the rooms for contraband..." I looked into her eyes and found a hard glare looking back at me, silently telling me to just come out with it already. "Your room, it was…trashed"
I lowered my head after the last word and glued my gaze to the ground while listening intently for any signs of upcoming aggression. The only thing I heard was her getting up and walking over to the door, staring as if she was looking out of a window even though it was just steel in front of her. I got up slowly, my eyes now on her rigid body. It was like one of those scenes from a horror movie, where a person is possessed or something and the main character is approaching them to tap them on the shoulder not knowing that the person could turn around and kill them at any moment.
My steps were tentative and I didn't fail to notice how her fists were clenched. I was genuinely surprised when she asked me a question, though the anger in her voice was truly something I'd never want to hear again.
"How much is gone?"
She hadn't turned around and I was actually pretty glad, to look into her expressive eyes and seeing nothing but rage amongst other things would scare me no doubt. I may sort of like talking to the girl, but I still had no idea what she was capable of. I had a feeling the attack on Kong and her gang was nothing compared to what she could really do and I didn't really want to find out.
"Answer me"
"Everything, I'm so sorry" I replied, my voice full of that sorrow. To have everything you own, everything you call yours disappear like that must be...devastating. I was surprised that she was holding herself together so well. If it were me, I'd be crying right about now.
There was another silence as she took what I had said in before simply turning and walking back to her bed. "I'd like to be alone"
"Taeyeon I'm here if you want to-"
"Why the fuck would I want to talk about my issues 'Tiff'?"
Finally, she snapped and it seemed she was planning to lay all the blame on me.
"Why the fuck is it any of your business what I'm thinking about? Why are you sticking your nose into everything I fucking do?"
Each question had led her to take a step towards me, anger evidently rising from within her as the volume of her voice got louder and louder.
"Who are you?"
Although fear was coursing through my veins as if she was approaching me with a gun or a knife, I stood my ground. Her blaming the only person who had bothered to try to understand her didn't sit well with me and I wasn't going to take it. With just as much frustration and stress smothering my thoughts and senses, I retorted.
"Who am I? I'm just here as a person who is paid to watch over you right?" I laughed spitefully. "I'm a person here to be hated by the prisoners, to be either despised or preyed upon by homosexuals who want to rape me or murder me."
My eyes showed off their strong but much less intense glare compared to the girl before me.
"Don't take what happened out on me when I am the only one who volunteered to clear up that mess in your room and am going to spend my entire break trying to replace your beloved books and make it seem as if nothing happened when you return!"
I was out of breath by the time I finished that sentence, I don't know what it was but all of this anger that had been held back from being disliked, witnessing treatment that went on here, being questioned about who the fuck I am was getting to me really badly and I couldn't help but snap.
"I'm asking why the fuck you care! I am nobody to you!" She shouted back, her fists clenched as if she was going to strike me at any moment.
"I care about everybody!" The sheer volume of my voice caused her to wince a little and made her take a pause to get her breath back. It seemed we were both pouring out our feelings through our aggression, if that's what she wanted then I'd be happy to oblige. However I realised she was then trying to tone it down, her now sweaty fists opening and closing in an attempt to calm herself. I watched as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, willing herself to keep it cool before replying to me.
"That wasn't the question. Why do you care about what people say about me, what people do to me?" she asked quietly and smoothly, reminiscing on the times I had been around when she was verbally abused or bullied.
"Why are you going out of your way to get to know me, to ignore the rumours about you that make you look weak and spineless?"
"Because I'm sick of mistreatment! You don't deserve to suffer even more that you already are Taeyeon and if I want to be the only person in this godforsaken place that gives a damn then I fucking will!"
My chest heaved up and down as I shouted, ridding myself of the last of the stress that plagued my body while my eyes refused to look anywhere but her own. I don't know what it was, but there was something making my heart pound like crazy and it was as if it was being wrenched out of my body. The feelings I was experiencing, the passion I felt... It was fucking intense.
"Stop trying to think of reasons why somebody acts like a fucking decent human being towards you and just accept it before that person simply gives up on being nice and becomes one of the others"
I turned to walk away but stopped as soon as I placed my hand on the door.
"If you want me to leave, I'll walk out of here and request to change units. I will leave you alone and I'll make sure you never see me again."
She frowned at what I was saying but stayed quiet.
"If you hate me so much, the way I act and the way I converse with you, the way I treat you and the way I work…I'll go. Just say the word"
I should have known that there'd be no answer, she just scoffed and turned her head, folding her arms. Yes, it hurt but If it's what she wanted, who was I to go against her wishes? I would do as I promised. I simply pushed the door open and slammed it behind me, not even a glance in her direction. The jingling of the keys in the lock was louder than I remembered, ringing in my ears as I began to leave her behind for good.
As I walked...I came to a stop once again. Not because I was having second thoughts, not because I forgot something. It was because of one word that came in the form of a shout, it had to be as it was heard loud and clear through the thick layer of titanium. That one word had made me stop, my heart beating just as fast as it had when I entered.
"Wait!"
I allowed a small and slightly relieved sigh to escape from my lips as I glanced back to her door. Two more words came through the tiny seams in the metal slat used to pass the tray through to the other side. Though slightly muffled, I heard.
"Don't leave"