Amy lazily spooned her greek yoghurt into her mouth while staring off into the distance.
"….so what do you think Amy?" Karma asked enthusiastically.
Amy startled a little. "Hm, yeah. I agree what a dick." she nodded pointing her spoon in Karma's direction.
"What are yo-? Were you even listening to me!?" Karma screeched.
"Sorry, no - not really." Amy admitted, still spooning the yoghurt into her mouth mindlessly. Amy wasn't enjoying the yoghurt, it was delicious but she couldn't taste it. It was a distraction. Just something to keep her hands busy. Because if Amy didn't force herself to eat then she would be tap tapping away on her phone like she had been doing a lot for the past 7 weeks.
"What the heck is into you Amy?" Karma questioned sitting up from her lying position, brushing some loose grass off her dress as she did so.
"Nothing." Amy sighed. She fixed Karma with a look that tried to convince her, but it definitely wasn't working.
"It's not nothing Amy. For weeks you have been off. Not listening to me….or anyone really. You are constantly on your phone. You have a faraway look in your eye. So don't tell me that it's nothing Amy. I know when you are lying." Karma punctuated her rant with a deep steadying breath. She couldn't figure out if she was annoyed or scared of what was going on with her best friend but part of her didn't want to find out.
"Okay listen, I have bee-"
"KISS. KISS. KISS!"
Amy and Karma snapped out of their bubble and realised that the were surrounded. Unbeknownst to them scores of students had gathered on the grass around them - obviously invested in what it was they were arguing about.
"COME ON. BREAK UPS ARE ALL ABOUT MAKE UPS!" someone yelled from the back of the crowd.
The crowd cheered, wooped and hollered. They had some ill conceived notion that Karma and Amy were going to get back together although Amy had moved onto a new relationship (she hadn't told anyone but she thought it was pretty obvious) and Karma had already announced that she was straight and their relationship was phoney. But clearly some people didn't get the memo and secretly Karma wasn't upset about that.
"We should give the crowd what they want" Karma teased.
"What are you talk-." Amy was cut off by Karma's lips on hers.
The crowd was deafening now.
Once upon a time Amy would have wanted this. She would have killed for the opportunity to have Karma kiss her. But now? It felt fake. Forced. It didn't have the warmth that Reagan's kiss always filled her with. She only wanted to kiss her. She didn't want this.
Amy grabbed Karma's shoulders and pushed her away and just like that the crowd has dispersed - wandering like mindless sheep onto the next thing that would grab their attention.
Karma was smiling, wiggling her eyebrows at Amy.
"They bought it!" she clapped gleefully.
"Bought what? What the fuck are you doing Karma!?" Amy hissed getting to her feet and approaching her.
"Calm down Amy. Is this about Liam? Don't worry he won't mind. He is into it, he told me." Karma smirked.
Amy could feel her blood pumping, she gripped the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. "This is not about Liam, Karma. I don't give two craps about that boy and his pathetic sexualisation of lesbians" she spat. "Why would you even tell me that? The Karma I knew would never be so pathetic. I don't know what you think you are doing but this is NOT cool and I want no part of it."
"When did you get all feminist?" Karma mocked with crossed arms trying to hurt Amy the way Amy had just hurt her.
"If feminist means having a little dignity then yeah, I am a feminist." Amy snapped. She grabbed her rucksack and stormed off.
Karma looked on helplessly.
Second period had passed and Amy had seethed through the entire lesson. The bell rang and she stomped to her locker knowing that it contained the only thing that would calm her down. She didn't see Karma on the walk to her locker and she didn't care. Hurriedly she entered her combination and snatched the item that would relieve her. Amy would rather have heard Reagan's voice, but she knew she was busy at work. She was so proud of her.
A Photo Booth strip of her and Reagan. It was taken at the end of their second date, they were leaving the fair and Amy had dragged Reagan over to the booth for a token of their time together. Reagan was hesitant but Amy had convinced her that it was a good idea. Amy thumbed the photographs smiling fondly. The first picture was of Reagan jokingly pouting and Amy playfully shoving her. The second picture was of Reagan smiling a huge smile that reached her eyes, Amy was doing the same. In the final picture Reagan had unexpectedly grabbed Amy's face and kissed her cheek tenderly, Amy had her eyes closed and a blissful smile played on her lips. This photo was Amy's favourite. She leaned against her locker, she could feel her anger floating away being replaced with an emotion Amy knew well, but this time it was different…it felt mutual (she hoped) and she didn't feel bad for feeling the way she did.
"Amy…?"
A hesitant Karma approached Amy. Amy quickly put her hand containing the photo behind her back. Then mentally face palmed herself. She could have just put it back in her locker and closed it without suspicion, but now it would seem to shifty.
"Amy, I'm sorry. About calling you a feminist." Karma muttered.
Amy gasped. "You are unbelievable, do you know that?"
Amy could see tears pooling in Karma's eyes but she continued.
"You think this was about you calling me a feminist? How clueless are you Karma? I don't want to do this dumb faking it thing with you anymore. I don't want to kiss you anymore. I'm done with all of this crap!" Amy was fuming but she kept her voice down, making sure no one had singled them out again. She definitely didn't want another audience, or maybe she did. Just so Karma could get the point.
"I wasn't thinking. I thought that maybe…"
"That maybe what Karma? That I would pick up where we left off? That I would parade around with you in public while you sneak off with Liam and leave me high and dry? That I want to go through all of that again!? No. No thank you." At some point in her spiel, she wasn't sure when, Amy had unconsciously started gesturing to Karma with the hand that contained the photo strip.
"What is that? Who is that?" Karma asked quietly scanning the photograph gripped in Amy's hand.
"What are yo-?" Amy looked at the photo strip crumpling in her hand. Secret was out now. The one thing that she wanted for herself. The one thing she had locked in a secret bubble. It was over.
"This is Reagan." Amy's stated matter-of-factly.
Karma gave a blank look in return. The tears that had threatened to fall earlier now falling freely.
"My girlfriend." Amy added with a shrug as if Karma was supposed to know what she was talking about.
"Girl….friend." Karma swilled the word around in her mouth. "So you have a new best friend?" Karma sniffed.
Amy had no time for Karma's cluelessness right now.
"How naive are you!?" Amy hissed. "Karma, honestly?" Amy rubbed at her eyes angrily. "Reagan is my girlfriend, girl-friend, girlllll-friend.'"Amy felt a little bad for treating Karma like a small child but it needed to be done. "You know, the same thing you and I pretended to be. But this time I'm actually with someone who wants to be with me." Amy let out a small laugh while rolling her eyes to the ceiling, she was so grateful for Reagan. She continued. "She wants to be with me and I want to be with her. Do you know how great it is to be with someone who wants to be with you? Of course you do. You have Liam and I have her. So, sorry if I don't want to play fake lesbian with you Karma. Actually no I'm not sorry. I'm sick of being sorry. I have no more time to be sorry because I'm too busy in a relationship with someone I love.'"
Amy flared her nostrils and clenched her jaw. She said it. The feeling she gets when she is around Reagan, the complete bliss. Love. This was not how she wanted to admit it - via a bitter rant towards Karma. But she was relieved that she could finally put a finger on the emotion she was feeling. She should have recognised it sooner, maybe she would have if it had felt the same as when she was in love with Karma. But it didn't. It felt….better? More rewarding. More real. The anger slipped from Amy's face and was replaced with a blissful smile, the same one as in the Photo Booth picture.
Karma eyed Amy suspiciously.
"Anything else?" Amy asked raising her eyebrows at Karma. "Good." Amy cut her off before she even got a chance to speak. She turned on her heels and strode away.
Every step she took away from Karma felt lighter, she was free. Free from the chains that bound her to Karma. Free from feeling guilty. Free to love. She stroked her thumb along the photo strip. Free to be loved, hopefully, if she was lucky enough.