"I'm not going anywhere Taeyeon" I stood my ground even though she was walking right over to me and I closed my eyes tight just as she stopped mere inches from my face. She may have been handcuffed which rendered her unable to hit me, but the look she had given me hurt more than any injury. It was full of hate and to be honest…I really didn't blame her. What I did was unforgivable and far from the professional woman I was meant to be.
"Get out." She seethed "You got all you wanted from me now and I have nothing left to give" I watched as hurt flickered across her gaze before she put up her wall again. Instead of the bricks I had managed to knock down before, this time her wall was made of the hardest substances imaginable. Impenetrable. I'd lost my chance.
"No" I replied, although I too wanted to leave to get some air, to try to get my heartbeat under some sort of control, I wasn't going to go until I was sure she had calmed down and was okay. From the image of her in front of me, It didn't look like I'd be going anytime soon.
"I'm a lesbian Tiffany, something you despise….Everything I've ever done deserves punishment. I'll tell you what, take me to the SHU and we will go from there" she growled through her clenched teeth.
Frowning slightly, I bit my lip and looked away so all she could see was my profile. "No"
It seemed that wasn't the answer she wanted. She came even closer and moved her head to the side to face me again… I could feel her breath on my lips and it was so hard trying to hold back from closing my eyes. "Fuck you!" She seethed "There, I just used obscenity, write me a shot!"
"I'm not gonna write you a-" I was interrupted when she used her body to barge into me, almost making me topple over but thankfully I managed to find my footing.
I watched on with sadness as she took a step back "Assaulting an officer, write me a shot. What? Pussy come on!" She screamed as she used her shoulder to push me again and again until my back was against the counter. I stopped with a thud and was finding it exceptionally hard to control my tears seeing her like this. It was like watching a complete and utter breakdown and my heart clenched just to be witnessing it. This was all my fault...
"I'm not writing you a shot" I choked out, my brows furrowed as I tried again to keep my tears at bay but they refused to listen.
"But you could if you wanted to, right?" Taeyeon blinked away her own lone tear and found no problem in making me feel horrible "Cause you have a choice. Because you have the power. I'm an inmate. I have, nothing." She cried, both the strength and fragility in her voice contradicting each other, making her voice break painfully. "Especially now you've taken the last thing I held to my heart"
Kim Taeyeon…the broken girl I had once seen in solitary had returned only this time, it was worse. So much fucking worse and as she lowered her head, I wouldn't stand for it.
I grabbed her shoulders and then grabbed her jaw roughly, forcing her to look up at me.
"I am so fucking sorry Taeyeon." I whispered softly, my emotion pouring out into each of those words. "I was wrong about you okay? I'm not disgusted by you, I'm disgusted with myself." I looked into her eyes and tried to portray my feelings through my own just like I had done through my voice. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough because Taeyeon simply smirked….. and then spat in my face.
"Fuck you."
"Okay" I nodded as I let her go and used my sleeve to wipe my face "I deserved that"
There was then a painful silence between us which told me that whatever we had had, was not going to come back anytime soon. It was next to impossible in fact and it was all because of me. This was my punishment and it was a perfectly fitting one at that, the crack in my heart was getting deeper and deeper as I looked on helplessly, her back now turned to me.
I don't know what I wanted to do, what I felt…but it was the strangest thing I'd ever experienced. My eyes never wanted to leave her body, my lips yearned for her breath to hit them again, my neck longed for her nose to nuzzle against it. My arms…wanted to wrap around her waist and never let go. By the time she turned around again, the desire filling my body was getting to be torturous.
"If I asked you to do something for me, would you?" She said suddenly, barely above a whisper, breaking the silence with her husky tone. I'd do anything for her to feel better, for her to forgive me.
"Yes" I replied quickly, almost too eagerly. She gave a sad smile and then raised her eyes to meet mine. I saw something within them that I didn't like but I couldn't put a name to it.
"Promise me" She replied. I didn't think about that she could ask me for contraband or to help her find a way to escape. All that was in my head was to see her smile again.
"I promise you" I said as I tentatively stepped closer, it was hardly even noticeable but it made my heart just that little bit better to be nearer to her.
I watched as her eyes flickered between both of my own and when I saw her nod, it was obvious to me that whatever she was going to ask me she had made up her mind about. She was certain that it was what she wanted and I was going to give it to her, no matter the cost. Then almost like turning off a light switch, her eyes suddenly turned cold, they switched off completely and held no emotion whatsoever. Her face turned hard and only the tear stains on her face was evidence of her previous weakened state. She was different and when she opened her mouth to speak, I could have been frozen right there and then, her tone was icy as it could ever be.
"Leave." She said, the one thing I didn't think I could do… "Request to cover another unit." Her gaze was unforgivable and my heart completely shattered.
"Taeyeon..." I started, trying to think of anything to be able to backtrack what I said. "I-"
"You promised, go." There wasn't even fire in her eyes, nor anger. It was just, cold. Almost dead, she withheld no feelings for me or for anything or anyone.
I took a step towards her "I know I promised bu-"
"Get the fuck away from me! I don't want you here!" Her voice sliced through me like a blade, leaving my feelings to pour out along with the blood.
"But…I can't" I was in disbelief, surely she couldn't just expect me to go, we still had to see each other. I still had to go and count her and watch her as she got lunch, check her room for contraband and keep her company if ever she got sent into solitary again…
"You can and you will. You got all you wanted from me, and now it's time to take that and go elsewhere." I couldn't get my head around how she wasn't upset about this, I kept thinking about how she told me not to go when she was in the SHU. She wanted me, she was just saying this because I hurt her but she could get over it…
"No I- Look let's just talk properly. I'll take off your handcuffs and then-"
It was only a second after she was free that she grabbed me tightly, her nails digging into my upper arms but I didn't struggle nor did I speak. There was a moment, it was just her and I, I and she and nothing else mattered. I don't know what I felt for this girl but her touch filled me with warmth and hope even though she was inflicting pain.
"I. Don't. Want. You."
And with that….she left, dropping my radio to the ground as she went. She left me there unable to breathe properly, my heart no longer feeling whole. It felt exactly like a break up, how that other person would first accept your heart, keep it safe and then leave….taking it with them only to destroy it later. I knew then that I had sinned.
But I did as she wanted.
I promised.
Over the next couple of months, I didn't see Taeyeon. Of course I caught the odd glimpse of a girl with golden blonde hair but it could have been anyone. I had obeyed her wish and changed units, I made up the excuse of being sexually harassed by most of the inmates and Nichkhun was more than happy to move me. Life at work now was….a lot calmer that's for sure but it was also lonelier. I missed her, I missed watching her read her books, I missed the tiny smile she would give me…the list goes on and on and I couldn't help but feel sad.
She was completely alone now. She had nobody to talk to, at least I had Yuri but she had nobody. But then, this is what she wanted….oh I don't know. With a sigh I walked to the staff room where I met Yuri.
"Aw what's up Tiff? She asked as she munched on her sandwich, getting crumbs everywhere.
"Nothing, just tired" I replied with a small smile before getting my own lunch out of my bag and poking at it uninterestedly. Sensing the awkward silence grow, I tried to make conversation. "So what are you up to this weekend?" I asked before setting my salad aside and placing my full attention on the girl who was now smirking. "What?" I raised my eyebrow.
"You asking me on a date?" she challenged while I just laughed.
"Uh…no" I replied with a smirk but when I looked up at Yuri again I saw she looked surprised.
"Okay….so I was fully expecting bible basher Tiffany to revolt in disgust, maybe even hit me but instead she says, no?"
Realising what Yuri was saying, I was actually reasonably surprised myself. "I guess…I've gotten used to it" I shrugged but the wonder was still there in my mind. Was this to do with Taeyeon? After she told me about her and her deceased girlfriend and admitting to myself that they must have been a beautiful couple, had I accepted homosexual relationships just like that? Surely not...
"Wow" Yuri commented, putting down her sandwich at staring at me incredulously. "Next step, date a girl cause men are gross" she smirked.
"Wait…" I frowned while my mouth opened a little in shock "You're a…?" Yuri nodded "Why didn't you say!"
"You think we would have been good friends if I had told you? You would have chewed me up and spat me out Tiffany, looked at me like I was a piece of shit that you stepped in just like what you did to the others"
That shut me up. I was lost for words actually….I literally felt ashamed of myself. I suddenly felt empathy for all of the women I had judged wrongly because of their orientation and I felt like the biggest bitch going. Wait, had I looked at Taeyeon like that before she told me her story because if I had...
"I-I'm sorry Yuri" I said, still in disbelief at my past behaviour. "I really am. What sort of a friend would I be if I rejected you because of who you are interested in. God." I shook my head
"Hey, it's cool" She smiled before grabbing my hand. "But, what made you change?"
Her.
"I don't know, but I want to continue. I love God and respect him wholly but who am I to judge people without even giving them the chance to prove themselves…right?"
Yuri beamed and squeezed my hand like a proud mother. "Right."
"Can I ask you something?" I tentatively whispered when it popped into my head. Yuri nodded so I continued. "Have you dated a guy?" Another nod. "What's different? I mean, why do you prefer women?"
"Well…women are beautiful just like men are handsome but when you touch a woman, everything is different" she smiled.
I can't say that I was totally comfortable with her talking about women that way, but what I can say was that a certain blonde popped into my head at that moment.
"When you touch a man, he's big and strong, muscly and hairy. A big bear of a man that can throw you around and fuck you hard" I winced at that but got more and more interested when she continued "When you touch a woman…" Yuri smiled, she obviously had made her mind up about her sexuality. It was actually nice to see somebody so confident in their choices compared to myself who was confused to hell. "When you touch a woman, they are so soft and fragile, they smell amazing, and their skin is silky and smooth. Their voices can be high pitched or deep and inviting..."
"What about behaviour?" I asked curiously
"All the guys I have been with, whether it was just my luck or whatever…always acted like assholes. 'Where's my dinner?' 'I'm going to watch football' 'I wanna fuck you till you can't walk'. You see…not really pleasant is it?"
"No, I have to admit some of my ex's were like that too. Sex as well, they always wanted sex for them which took only a few minutes and didn't want to make love like I wanted. I wanted to show them how much they meant to me and how much I adored them slowly and passionately but all they wanted was to just get off and then go to sleep."
"Whereas girls…" Yuri smiled "We can't physically have sex like a guy and a girl. When we have sex…we take turns to bring each other to orgasm simply to make the other person feel good. Sure it takes longer than a guy and a girl but its way more intimate. Then again there's a lot of different positions that women can do to orgasm together, toys to use too but it's not the same y'know?"
I nodded unsurely. This was all new to me, I mean…I hadn't known anything about lesbian sex. I'd never watched lesbian porn, I usually turned off or fast-forwarded a movie that had lesbians in it, sometimes I'd actually avoid the movie altogether.
"Can I ask…why you are asking me all this stuff?" Yuri smiled "I mean, sure I get that you are curious but what you are asking…"
"I'm not gay." I replied quickly. "If that's what you are implying" I added in.
"I never said you were Tiff" Yuri replied, frowning slightly now.
Getting nervous now about Yuri being stumped by my behaviour, just as she was about to ask me a question I got a message through my radio to see Nichkhun immediately. On the way I thought about what we had just been talking about. She was right...she never implied that I was gay but I felt the need to stick up for myself like that? To dismiss something that she didn't even say? I shook my head, hoping the action would rid myself of the confusion but to no avail. I was still thinking about it when I got to Nichkhun's office
He had sounded serious so once I was nearby, I increased my speed to see his door was already open and as soon as I entered I saw he was sat with his arms crossed and staring right at me.
"Sit" he ordered, I obeyed immediately while wondering what this all was about, my strange reaction to Yuri's questioning now long gone from my mind. There was silence before he leaned forward and addressed me with a harsh tone "Tiffany, I want to talk about your earlier request"
"Earlier request sir?" I questioned, not entirely sure what he was asking
"The request to switch units, You never did tell me who was harassing you so much to the point you wanted to move"
Wow, that was random. It was also months ago...why now? "I..uh, it was quite a few inmates sir" I said as I bowed my head, breaking eye contact. I was scared that he'd see the blatant lies on my face.
"Is that so?" He did not sound convinced, not one bit. I didn't raise my eye line but I heard the typing of keys on the keyboard before he turned his monitor towards me. "I'm thinking it was just one inmate"
What I saw when I looked up caused my eyes to widen and my breath to catch in my throat. It was the CCTV of Taeyeon and I in the kitchen. Nichkhun had paused on the part where Taeyeon was in my lap being basically cradled like a baby by yours truly. Fuck.
"Sir, it's not what it loo-"
"I'm surprised at you Tiffany..." He interrupted, studying the screenshot for a while but then starting to play the video. There was no sound (luckily) but the video was enough, Nichkhun even skipped to the 'good' parts his eyes firmly studying my reactions.
- Taeyeon cornering me
- Barging into me
- Spitting in my face
- Screaming at me
Soon it wasn't only my job I was worried about, it was her. In his eyes, she had just assaulted a police officer many times and in his eyes that was worth added years onto her sentence. I wouldn't, I couldn't allow that to happen, she had already worked so hard to go under the radar for four years of her life in here and no fucking way would she get more because of something that was my fault.
Trying to think of something to say was painful...I literally had to choose between Taeyeon's freedom and my job. Taking a deep breath, I chose in my opinion, the right one.
"Sir, I have to say I regret that day immensely" I started, his curious frown silently told me to continue. "I'm going to come clean and say that I had said some very disrespectful things to Kim, in all fact I was bullying her" This is for you Taeyeon...
"How so?" He responded, he looked rather surprised as if he couldn't imagine any nasty words coming from my lips.
"I said some very horrible things about her sexuality and then I teased her, saying for her to hit me but because she was handcuffed it angered her." I sighed, these lies were going to get me in the shit but Taeyeon was not going to suffer again."When she spat in my face, it's because I had made fun of her dead girlfriend. It was, in my opinion fully justified"
I bowed my head, bracing myself for the two words that would send me packing from this place, no longer having a job. I'd probably have to move back to America since correctional officer jobs were rather scarce here. I waited, and waited and waited but those words didn't come. What did come however, was loud and joyous laughter, he was laughing at what I had said?
"That's brilliant. I thought she was trying to seduce you or something but you...!" he pointed right at me and grinned despite my horrified face. "You proved me wrong, I thought I was going to have to let you go for being too soft but this...? Well done Tiff" he praised me, still grinning,
"But sir...I verbally attacked an inmate" I frowned, I fully deserved punishment but he was saying I was in the right? What the fuck is wrong with him? With this whole damn place?
"They think they rule this roost Tiffany. Any prisoner here who tries to sneak their way around a CO should be punished. I have no doubt that she fully deserved everything you said to her and even more so in fact!" I was appalled, and I thought I was bad...
Nichkhun looked back at his monitor and remembered something "For what she did, I'm going to add on-"
"No" I interrupted as I stood up, taking him by surprise. "Like I said, it was fully justified."
"She can't go around knocking into and spitting at CO's Tiffany. She'll be throwing her shit at you next..."
"Then put her in solitary." I replied quickly, I could not fucking believe that I was saying those words but it was better than four years plus in this place.
"Tiffany..." He warned but I challenged him right back with a new cocky facade. I raised my eyebrow and winced inwardly as the look on my face felt like it should be burned right off again, I couldn't stand it.
"Think of how much she'll hate me when she finds out I put her into solitary" I said with a smirk though on the inside, I was crying, dying even.
To my relief, Nichkhun's face grew a disgusting grin while he leaned back in his chair, spinning his pen around in his hand while admiring me. "Okay" he agreed. "But...I'm putting you in charge of her care."
My facade dropped completely when he said those words while my heart started to beat faster and faster. "W-what?"
"I like your tendencies, I especially liked the fact that she was crying here" he said as he re-winded the CCTV and showed me the part just before I pulled her into my lap "and then you basically hugged her after you had said those hurtful things...can you imagine how much she hated you right then and you fucking hugged her, she couldn't get away because she was handcuffed" he sniggered. "Genius"
I was done, what a fucking despicable pig. "T-thank you sir" I bowed and tried to put a smile on my face though it came out rather fake looking. He wasn't looking my way though, he was still smiling at the computer.
"I'm gonna put you with Park tomorrow and you'll both help out with the solitary inmates at some point, they all need their weekly showers. You can handle Kim" he winked while I got up, reluctantly bowed once again and left his office.
Once I was outside, I rested my back against the wall and breathed in and out slowly. I was no longer staying in this place because I needed a job... I was staying in this place because of her. Regardless of the fact she hated me now, and would no doubt completely despise me when she found out I had gotten her put into solitary again which in turn was the place where she first opened up to me. Even with all that in mind, I was still (deliriously) confident that she needed me.