Today was the day. Finally I'd get to see her face again though whether I'd be warmly welcomed or the opposite remained undetermined...probably the latter but I was hopeful at least. Thankfully however, I wouldn't be around while they sentenced her to her three weeks in solitary because knowing how much she suffered there before, seeing her face as they told her how long she'd be trapped in that small and tiny room would no doubt break my heart…again.
I was to carry out my work in my new unit for now until Park got off his current job in my old one. Knowing he had been carrying out Taeyeon's counts and contraband checks all this time after what he had done to her was unsettling to say the least. I wanted to take over immediately when I heard he'd be the one replacing me but, it's what Taeyeon asked. She'd rather him than me and no matter how much that hurt, I respected her decision. But now…we were going to meet again whether she liked it or not.
I couldn't keep my mind off of it the whole time I was going through the girls' rooms. I couldn't stop thinking of what would happen, how she would react. I have to say that I didn't perform my best this morning because of that fact and actually asked Yuri who was currently on break after her graveyard shift if she'd check them over for me. I think she thought I was tired, she was right but that wasn't the main reason, she could never know that reason. Nevertheless she accepted without a word and I retired to the employee restroom.
Eyeing my watch didn't calm my nerves, in fact it made it worse – thirty minutes exactly. I looked into the mirror and out of habit tried to make myself appear reasonably presentable. I tried to use water to stick my slightly static hair down and then proceeded to fix it entirely after deeming it crappy. There was only so much I could do since long hair was to be tied in a tight bun to prevent wandering hands from tugging on it to try to make a point.
Not everybody followed the rules though, the limited number of female officers here sometimes wore their hair in a ponytail or even down but after what happened with Nichkhun, I didn't want to take any chances to get on his bad side. However, seeing as this was a big day I made my hair significantly looser, tying it into a messy bun that suited my face more than a tight one did. I didn't think anything of it until after checking my watch again, I was surprised to see I had spent twenty minutes in here fixing my hair and for what? It wasn't as if I was trying to impress anyone…
Now stepping out of the security of the restroom I started to wonder again...about how she looked. Whether she lost weight from what happened between us or self-harmed to get rid of the pain that plagued her body after reliving the madness that was her life. What if-?
"We meet again Miss Hwang" he smiled as he approached, interrupting my thoughts. The man who started it all - Park.
Looking him up and down casually and seeing that he had lost no weight whatsoever since the last time I saw him, I replied "We do" There was little to no emotion in my voice. He didn't deserve as much.
"I must say, hearing your drastic change of attitude from Nichkhun after what you told me before was...a surprise" he grinned. "I heard you mentally tortured an inmate, so seeing how you handle her today will be interesting to say the least"
"I bet it will"
He smirked at that, he knew I didn't like him and I'm sure he'd love riling me up today. I'm with the bastard for the rest of my shift - twelve whole hours. If I don't either murder him or commit suicide by the end of it, I'll be very impressed with myself.
After our 'pleasantries' were over, we both started to walk to solitary in silence, the place where she was currently being held. I tried my best to remain calm, especially under his gaze but it proved to be difficult, my breath becoming slightly ragged as the thoughts of her resumed their place in my head.
"You alright?" He was sneering while he asked so I knew he wasn't being compassionate, just trying to piss me off.
"I'm fine. Cold" I responded.
He didn't answer me back so we just tried to ignore each other, though it was hard when all I heard was him panting beside me even from the short distance we had walked. Wanting some payback, I smirked and looked his way. "You alright?" I asked as I studied his portly body very openly. The glare I received was almost too much to handle as I saw it was mixed with insecurity. I resisted the urge to laugh while he grunted to reply. Asshole.
When those double doors opened however, my jokes were long forgotten as the begging and the ear-splitting screams from the SHU inmates filled my head along with the incessant hammering on the titanium doors that held them prisoner. Again just how I felt before, knowing she was going to be in there listening to this and for three weeks too…it was tough. She was going to be angry yet fragile, a hard contrast to tolerate especially since she was hostile too.
"Hello officers" a pleasant fellow CO greeted as he bowed ninety degrees and then stood up straight with a smile. Cute. "I understand you've been placed to cater to certain inmates needs and cover isolation so I'd like to go over a few rules first if that's alright with you. Knowing you haven't covered isolation before…" he motioned to me before looking at Park "…and you've only done it once or twice I'd like to just ease you into it. It's much different from the units you are used to."
We followed him like we were on a school trip as he pointed to many doors telling us all about how things work here. "Never, I repeat never feel the need to poke your hand through the slats in the doors. Some of these inmates will have no problem breaking each and every one of your fingers for amusement."
"For amusement?" I asked in disbelief.
"Imagine having little to no stimulus in there for years Miss Hwang, nothing to keep you busy. Getting your hands on something that can crack and cause somebody to scream as their bones are grinded into dust would be like a maraca to an inmate here." I gulped at that.
"Do not communicate with the inmates if not needed. They have nothing better to do than think of ways to escape and befriending a friendly correctional officer will most certainly be in their plans. They are masters in brainwashing."
I couldn't help but notice Park looking my way after that was said with no doubt a smug expression.
"Solitary is a means to control extremely violent inmates that would risk lives if they were to stay in the regular rooms. Most of these people are psychotic and very dangerous so I ask that you be with another officer at all times if something were to go wrong. Approach each inmate as if they were a wild animal capable of ripping your throat out, because that's exactly what they are".
Maybe I'm in over my head here, this was scary. I mean, I could get killed.
"Have there…um" I hesitated now all eyes were on me "Have there been any attacks on correctional officers that proved to be fatal?" I didn't particularly want the answer, but we all know my curiosity is a bitch.
"Oh yeah" he frowned as he recalled. "We had an inmate who was originally in here for forty years for murder only to have an added sentence on top of that for attacking an officer. She died in here at the age of seventy."
"What did she do to the officer?"
"A combination of things. A foolish young CO decided to enter her room without the necessary precautions because he believed 'he knew' the woman and that she wouldn't hurt him. Seeing him as a means to escape, she used him as a hostage until she could go no farther since she was surrounded by other officers. Seeing there was no other way out, she knew it was all over. However, she didn't let go of the man, she instead used her sharpened nails to cut his throat and then proceeded to bathe in the blood that showered her."
"Oh God" I held my stomach as the uneasiness set in even more.
"We grabbed her but unfortunately couldn't save the officer. She was dragged away still laughing at what she'd done"
"Okay, enough horror stories." He chuckled at my facial expression "I'll show one of you around while the other will be dealing with the inmates on the opposite side of the corridor." He turned to me and shot me another smile. "Officer Hwang, I'll take you. Park, I'll have an officer meet you in a moment"
Thank goodness I wouldn't be working with him for this entire thing, he looked slightly disappointed as he no doubt wanted to watch my 'changed attitude' with his own eyes. I couldn't hold back my smile and it seemed Officer…Shin noticed.
"You don't like him do you" he grinned
"Not particularly" I replied.
"I thought as much." He said with a chuckle "Alright, let's start. I want to introduce you to a few of my favourite inmates so they can give you their own opinions on solitary"
"You aren't allowed to have favourites you know…" I teased
"Okay, the least violent people who don't belong here then" Shin corrected himself while shooting me a charming dimpled smile.
"Oh yeah?" Surely it's only the officer's point of view that matters? I mean, you could tell me what you think of solitary personally."
"Correct, but some inmates have an insight not even I can comprehend. I can stand here and tell you that for some inmates the SHU is the only way to subdue them while they wait for death to come for them, to take them away from the horror that really is solitary. But the inmates can tell you first-hand what they experience and how it affects them. You need both sides of the story and I have to warn you…it's not pretty. Some of these women, they really don't belong here"
"I know" I replied, thinking of somebody in particular.
"So let's go"
Door after door I entered and door after door I found myself more and more on the verge of tears as I listened to what these women went through each day. A lot of them were introduced as drug dealers or in for assault…crimes that shouldn't put them in here. This was a place I really believed was for truly evil people whereas a lot of them were sick, needing a psychiatric hospital rather than solitary that only worsened their state of minds as well as their behaviour.
Door after door…I heard of their struggles.
"You lay there in your concrete tomb trying to block out the cold especially in the winter when this place is like a morgue. The wall I lay next to is an exterior wall so it's like sleeping next to a block of ice. Sometimes the floor is warmer and only there I will sleep" – A woman in for murder who told me it was in self-defence, the man she killed was her husband who abused her for years, even breaking both her legs so she couldn't leave the house.
"The hardest thing to bear is the lack of human contact. In the SHU, you can't touch people, you lack sunlight, even noise. It is total sensory deprivation" – A mother of two who stole money to support her family. She's in the SHU because she used profanity in a derogatory way to an officer who tried to touch her inappropriately. She has remained here for three months, forgotten.
"Most of my family live literally one thousand miles away. During these fifteen long years, my sister has only been able to make one trip up here. I was allowed one thirty minute visit behind thick glass. There is absolutely no physical contact allowed with anyone. Imagine ten, twenty, thirty years without even a hug or touch to your loved ones' hands, or hearing your mother's or child's voice on the phone" – A woman who hunted down and attacked her sister's rapist only for him to die soon after from blood loss, charged with murder.
"The biggest challenge of being held in the SHU is to keep your own head when people around you start to lose it and you can't do anything...it is truly a hellish place to be. The SHU breaks people and it is a constant challenge to keep yourself from being broken". – A drug dealer who just needed money to survive, is in the SHU for punishment by none other than Nichkhun who felt she needed a timeout after an argument...for a year.
I walked out after that, I needed to get some air. This place truly is awful. Shin approached soon after locking the last door.
"Tough huh?" He smiled gently as he stood beside me.
"Those poor women…and they aren't allowed any human contact at all? Not even a hug?"
"SHU inmates are denied even regular telephone calls with their families which further intensifies their isolation from the outside world. Only prisoners undergoing 'debriefing' are allowed to call their relatives at regular intervals and meet with them face to face. The other SHU prisoners are only allowed a telephone call in an emergency, such as the death of a close relative and….that's it."
"Fuck"
"If I could, I would leave this place but this is my job. I need it to survive but the people in charge who simply do not care for anybody's wellbeing are the ones who should leave. They are despicable, it's disgraceful to treat a human being this way. Isolating them to the point where they talk to themselves to feel company, they rub themselves up against the concrete walls to feel an ounce of contact from something other than themselves. They rot in here with nothing, it truly is the worst place to be and the worst place to die."
This had truly opened my eyes. I had known and researched about SHU's but never did I think it could be this bad to work in one. Taeyeon was to spend three weeks in here….
"Alright" he sighed, interrupting my thoughts "Time to take them for their showers. We have a few new ones who again don't belong here but what can you do?" he sighed "They get a shower too regardless of whether they need one or not because they won't be getting one for who knows how long. You'll be assisting with keeping your eye on them so they don't commit suicide in there."
Again, wow. But on we went, I escorted many 'sane' women to the showers since I was the only woman except for another two who was allowed to watch them to prevent a male CO becoming…for want of a better word, aroused. Doors opened then shut only to be opened again and locked. This went on for an hour and was even worse than the contraband search seeing as the doors were so damn heavy to pull shut, it could literally put your back out. When we arrived at a certain door, Shin stopped me.
"This is the inmate I am told you are to keep an eye on personally. A rather odd request I must say but she's all yours. She isn't psychotic and I've been told you have experience with her so I'll let you deal with her alone though I'll be close by okay?" he smiled while I kept my gaze on the door before me. This was it…I was finally going to see her after all this time.
"You know how to open a door right?" Shin teased but my voice was gone. He looked at me strangely and after a few minutes did part of my job for me, shouting through the slat for the 'inmate' to turn around and place her hands behind her back, just like before. Then, he opened the door.
And I saw her.
"Right I've got to go, hurry it up a little please. You have others to tend to" Shin reminded me before he left, leaving us alone together.
I stepped forward to be out of view if he looked back over his shoulder but didn't move any further inside. Instead, with the handcuffs and ankle chains clutched tightly in my palms... I just stared at her back, her hands that showed how pale she was and her matted blonde hair that wasn't so much golden anymore. She looked skinny even under her baggy uniform and I knew then that she had been affected by what had happened, and badly. I don't know why but I couldn't find the ability to move my feet closer to her and when she looked over her shoulder to see what was taking so long, the look she gave me was something out of a horror movie.
Her shoulder concealed most of her lower face as if she was holding up a cape like Dracula would…you know, when he would only show his eyes? I only saw those dark orbs that had turned black at the sight of me. She didn't move, didn't speak, and didn't do anything other than glare. It was as if she had frozen in that position for she hardly blinked and the intensity…wow it was something else. If I could have left, I would have. If I could have died, I would have.
Suddenly hearing the slam of a door further down the corridor, I jumped slightly and finally found out how to walk again, hesitantly taking steps towards her while she kept her gaze firmly on me. Unable to take it anymore, I lowered my gaze.
When it came the time to restrain her, I found it so hard to stop my fingers from intentionally grazing her hands and ankles just wanting to feel her under my touch. Each time, my eyes closed at the simple contact but hers remained open. I didn't even think about what I was doing...
The clicking of the restraints being secured on her no longer made me wince, what did though was whenever I got a little too close and caught a whiff of her scent - vanilla just like before. I never knew how much I could miss that smell. Once she was shackled well, I led her out without a word towards the shower room. She didn't put up a fight nor did she look at me again, we just headed on our way. My hand that was grasped around the short chain in the middle of the cuffs made it so each step she took, her hand touched mine and fuck me it was powerful.
When we arrived there, I was shocked to see that besides us, the shower room was now empty. It seemed weird because there had always been somebody in here with me when I was with the other SHU inmates. Maybe it was Nichkhun, maybe he was watching on a camera…I looked around and saw there wasn't one. They heavily relied on the CO's to see and inform what happens in these rooms so why was there only me here?
The sound of her starting to kick off her shoes with difficulty due to the chains broke me out of my thoughts and only when I saw her bare feet did it occur to me that she was going to be naked. With cheeks turning pinker at the minute, I approached when she turned and looked at me again to show me her wrists, motioning for me to uncuff her. I obeyed, releasing her while the sound of my heavy breathing echoed around the large open area. As soon as she was free, I could do nothing but watch on as she took off her long sleeved uniform top…followed by another top beneath that... until she was left in her bra.
Why was I the one who had to go through this? Again she motioned for me to free her but from her ankle chains this time so I crouched down and saw that all that was in my view was her toned stomach, the slight abs showing through the muscle each time she inhaled. And everytime I shifted my weight, stretching my body slightly upwards, her breasts were right there.
Not happening, stop looking….My lips parted as I tried to breathe through my mouth, her scent proving too much to bear when this close up. When she was free, I didn't move right away, instead I admired how her skin was so perfect, it was nothing but polished marble only warm and dare I say inviting. Stop
Finally Taeyeon made her way over to the open stall in just her underwear and once she was underneath the shower head, I watched not very professionally while she turned her back on me and took off her bra, throwing it behind her and not seeing it landed at my feet. Trying to close my eyes did nothing for they simply did not want to listen. They wanted to see her, to study her. They saw how her back was spotless just like her stomach, her shoulder blades moving back and forth as she pulled down her briefs to reveal her…shapely buttocks. I stared embarrassingly while she turned on the shower and relished in the no doubt cold water, my eyes glued to her every move, watching as she made sure to wet each strand of her hair. My hands were clenched tightly together behind my back to stop myself, from what I wasn't sure...I didn't understand why my body was heating up the way it was, why I thought it painful to look away from the view before me, but soon...I realised exactly what was happening.
As she turned around to face me and unveiled her completely naked body, her eyes shut tight to protect against the stream, I knew. I wasn't new to the feeling, It wasn't a new to sensation for my thighs to tingle nor was it new to feel how my heart beat or rather pounded against my chest. I knew, but I would never admit it. I would never ever let myself believe it for fear of what God would do to punish me. Instead I tried to convince myself that I wanted a similar body, ignoring what really was going on in my head.
Stepping a little closer, just from looking I could tell she was so smooth, velvety almost and my palms started to sweat just because of the desire to…to have the same. She was beautiful, Taeyeon was the epitome of beauty and I just wanted to…have the same. I wanted to have the same features as her, nothing else. I can't…I just can't think, like that.
I kept telling myself over and over but it wasn't registering for whenever my eyes scanned another inch of her stunning body, new thoughts came into my mind. Sinful thoughts.
"What are you staring at?" That voice filled the open space, the voice I hadn't heard in so long effectively made my heart leap from my chest and caused my wandering eyes to flicker to her own that were staring back at me with the biggest glare yet. The droplets of water made their way down from her hair, between her eyebrows, down one side of her nose to then pass over her lips… "I said what are you looking at pervert?"
Not liking the sudden accusation, I stood up straight and answered sternly, bringing back my shitty façade. "It's my job to watch you so you don't hurt yourself"
Taeyeon smiled, but it wasn't one to return. "You're watching to stop I don't get hurt? It's too late for that…isn't it officer?"
Here we go, the spiteful remarks about what I did all that time ago finally coming my way.
"You know…" she said as she exited the shower, her hair over one shoulder while she made no attempt whatsoever to cover herself "I was impressed that you actually kept your promise. I mean…due to your track record I didn't really believe you could actually walk away from me but you did." Closer and closer she came. "But then…I'm back in here again. Now why is that?" she was circling me now, like a shark waiting for its prey to slip up, to become desperate. "Is it because you want to start over, continue on from where our 'relationship' bloomed? You want me to be terrified enough to want to open up to you again?"
I said nothing but clenched my fists as her words affected me especially when she closed in, her lips only millimetres from my ear. I had been grateful to hear her voice but right now I wished it would simply disappear for the hate that filled it was heard loud and clear.
"How fucking delusional can you be?" she whispered, her warm breath hitting the over-sensitive skin of my cheek before she started to laugh. "What makes you think you'll get a chance to affect me again? Fool me once, fool me twice, is that it?"
"I saved your ass" I retorted through my now clenched teeth. Yes I did wrong but I wasn't going to stand here and take her abuse "I saved you from added years onto your sentence, now give me some fucking respect"
"Added years for what! For showing you what a complete cunt you really are?!"
That's it. "You know what! Fuck you!" I was beginning to lose myself, the rage as well as something else rising within me.
"Fuck me?" She shouted back. "Fuck me? I can see you want to do exactly that! And I thought it was just the guy officers I had to worry about in here...Not much of a Christian are you?"
"Shutup" I growled back while feeling smaller than ever under her judgmental gaze.
"Oh did I hit a nerve? Don't tell me you wish those rumours are true officer." Taeyeon took another step towards me and when her tongue snaked its way out to lick her lips, it proved to be a magnet to my already sinful eyes.
"What rumours…" I replied with no interest behind the words at all, all I could focus on was how my body was rigidly locked in place unable to move as her face was only inches from my own. All I could see were those eyes before she turned to the side and exhaled into my ear.
"The rumours that we are fucking..." She whispered, just the vibration of her voice making me close my eyes tight while a shiver ran down my spine, simultaneously giving me goose pimples all over.
"We both know that's not true" I replied with difficulty.
Taeyeon started to walk around me once again and startled me by quickly increasing her speed, making me flinch at the sudden movement. "Why are you so jumpy around me?" She teased. She was trying to get to me, she knew what she was fucking doing the sadistic little shit. I felt her warm breath again but now on the nape of my neck and then I felt her face beside mine, peeping out from over my shoulder. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have a crush on me….officer."