The smile that lit up her face when I walked in was only miniscule but it was nice to see how she was actually happy to see me now instead of glaring at me all the time. Unfortunately that smile was to be wiped off soon after, maybe even being replaced with a glare, but it had to be done.
She approached and rested her hands on my hips, it felt right but at the same time I knew it wasn't. This whole thing, regardless of how my heart soared when she kissed me or how my thighs tingled when she touched me…it had to end here and now.
A week and a half had passed since our first risqué encounter and although after that first time I vowed it wouldn't happen again…it did. Over and over, each time I entered she took me and each time I allowed it because I was addicted to it, or rather her. Like I said before, she was a drug that was hard to get clean from when I was faced with temptation every day but now it was getting out of hand, way more serious than I ever intended.
I couldn't look at her when I grabbed her hands and took them from my body because I knew it would hurt for me to see the look in her eyes at me refusing her advances.
"What?" she asked, a confused frown on her face.
"No Taeyeon" I sighed, folding my arms across my chest to feel some comfort, some form of embrace. "We can't do this"
"Do what?"
My eye line raised so I was looking anther properly. "You know what. It can't happen again."
Another frown but this one was slightly angry. "Why? What changed?"
"Me? I'm not that person" I never realised how painful this could be, I was making our relationship worse by doing this because despite the fact we slept with each other god knows how many times…we were getting on. She was smiling at me each time I came into her room, getting more and more talkative when she wasn't plunging her fingers inside of me…but now?
She scoffed "Funny, you were that person yesterday…and the day before, and the day before that…cumming in my hand again and again"
"Please don't make this worse than it needs to be" I exhaled slowly "Please don't get angry with me, I'm so confused right now Taeyeon"
"Okay….so let me get this straight. You aren't interested in women yet…you kiss me back? You allow what I do to you? Why?"
This conversation wasn't going anywhere "I don't know, that's why I'm confused. But it has to sto-"
"What are you afraid of?" She interrupted, grabbing hold of my hands, tracing soothing circles around my wrists. I closed my eyes at her gentle touch.
"I have so much to lose from this" I sighed, reluctantly pulling my hands away from her grip again. If this got out, I'd lose my job, I'd be arrested for sexual assault. That's what I'm afraid of"
She stared at me for a while, trying to judge what I was thinking. "No it's not." She concluded, she then started walking, making me back up trying to avoid her touch again "You're afraid of what you're feeling, you're afraid of the desire you have for what I can do to you"
I shook my head, denying everything, trying to tell my brain that what she was saying was a lie…"No"
"Yes."
"I like guys" I frowned, now that she was so close I held my hand out to stop her from coming any closer but she simply walked into it, purposely inserting her breast into my palm. I had such an awful urge to squeeze but also the same urge to drop my hand, neither happened though.
"And it's quite clear that you like girls too" she smirked, leaning in to teasingly blow onto my lips. My eyes shut to savour the feeling, my lips parting unconsciously to allow her to kiss me since my head was somewhere else just like all the other times. The tingling and shivering took over my body when she grabbed both my wrists and firmly pinned them to the wall either side of my head. She was only a little shorter than me but when she pressed her lips to mine, it didn't matter since she was stronger than me in both strength and personality.
She was sure, I mean that in the fact that she knew who she was and she accepted it. I was jealous of that, how she could just go day by day without worrying what people thought, to have the ability to love somebody no matter the gender. There's rumours about her being a murderer but does she cry about it? No. She doesn't give a fuck andthat, I wanted for myself but unfortunately I don't work that way. My mind refused to accept such a drastic change in my life, a change in how I felt about a certain inmate because at the end of the day…that's all she should be to me. An inmate.
"I like guys" I repeated, telling myself over and over while she added to the many faded purple bruises on my neck. Once she was done, she freed up one of her hands by passing my one wrist to the other, holding them together above my head so she could unbutton my shirt. I struggled against her but even I admit my attempts were feeble because my body didn't want to get away, it wanted this to happen but my head had yet to catch up with my body's reactions. "I like guys" Again, who was I trying to convince?
My mouth opened to draw in a gasp when Taeyeon latched her lips around my nipple which she had since pulled out of my bra. It was already erect so every touch, every flick she made with her tongue was incredible. I felt my hips buck slightly, my body's way of telling her to keep going. I was gone again, my thoughts fuzzy.
When she nibbled the hardened nub, a frown came to my face at the sensation. Mine were sensitive as if they were hooked up on a direct line to my clit and each caress she did sent a twitch down that route making me gasp or growl in response. She knew exactly what she was doing and when she touched me as well as performing her magic on my breasts, I was moaning uncontrollably.
"I like guys…" I said as I approached. "I like guy-ah!" The feeling was unbelievable. "I like…oh my gosh!" My eyes squeezed tightly shut as I felt the pleasure. It wasn't a fraction of what I felt the first time we were together, that was of course my first time experiencing what a woman could do in place of a man... but it was still amazing, the same as all the other times. As I came down, the fuzziness in my head started to die down too, my thoughts becoming clear but what I ended up saying to her was both surprising and hurtful. It was surprising because of how I felt when I said it, how confident I was about it despite my overall confusion but it was hurtful because of her reaction. "I like….you" I exhaled.
That was it. Yes, I may be in denial about being a lesbian or bisexual or whatever but I was sure despite the circumstances that….this wasn't just lust. If it was, each time I thought of her I'd be thinking of her in lewd ways, but I wasn't. I thought of her smile and how wonderful I felt when I saw it. I thought of her and her love for books, how her child-like face lit up when she saw them, how she got lost in the story. That wasn't lust. Sure the fact that she was a prisoner was always there in my mind as well as the fact that she had vagina and not a penis. But, I liked her for her, as a person.
A look of shock passed over Taeyeon's features and she remained speechless for a while. I immediately regretted what I had said as Taeyeon let go of my wrists and made some distance between us. She was looking at the ground and I knew I'd made her uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that" I tried to backtrack but the damage was already done.
"It's uh…nothing" She replied, still not looking my way, her tone slightly awkward.
"It's obviously something, look at your reaction." I frowned, gaining some confidence to confront her. "Is it a bad thing?"
Taeyeon spared me a glance before walking back to her bed, sitting with her back against the wall and her legs bent at the knee. She looked up at me with curiosity in her eyes. "Maybe."
I started to walk towards her but when she lay down and pretended to place her mind elsewhere, I knew it was time for me to go. "If it's any consolation, I don't want to feel this way. It's fucking scary."
She just nodded before turning her head away from me "Until next time"
Knowing there was no going back from what I'd said…I smiled slightly to conceal my hurt feelings even though she wasn't looking at me. "Yeah. See you" I replied before turning to leave. That was until I heard her getting up. I looked back and saw she was coming back over, a slight softness in her eyes now. I felt like a complete idiot so lowered my gaze but Taeyeon grabbed my jaw lightly, tilted my head up and connected our lips together. It wasn't aggressive like the others, it wasn't one that would lead to sex…it was just a kiss.
When we parted, it took a while for me to open my eyes but once I did, I saw her giving me a side smile that was in fact quite charming. "Bye" she said as she bowed her head slightly and then returned to her bed.
I watched her for a while as she picked up the book I had gotten her from the library and started to read. I admired her for what had to be a minute before snapping out of my daze and leaving her to it. As I locked her door, I found myself thinking about why I had gone to see her in the first place - to end things. I banged my head against the door subtly until I tutted at myself and walked away. Who was I kidding? My will power was next to none, this wasn't going to stop now or anytime soon.
I woke up to the ringing of my phone. Groaning at how the loud noise penetrated my eardrums like a blade, I winced as I opened up my eyes and looked at the clock on my bedside table – 4am. Four in the fucking morning, what the hell?
"Hello?" I grumbled, not impressed at all while I allowed my head to flop back down on the pillow.
"Tiff it's me" It was Yuri and she sounded slightly agitated. Still, no excuse.
"Yuri do you have any idea what time it is?" I scolded
"I need to talk to you, now"
I sat up slightly at the urgency in her voice. "What's up?"
"I'm outside your building. Buzz me in."
And then she hung up. What the fuck? With a whimper as I left my warm bed and at the cold air giving me goose pimples almost immediately, I shuffled my way out of my bedroom and went to let Yuri in, leaving my door ajar after I'd allowed her entry.
I then made my way over to my coffee machine and turned it on, unable to contain the yawns that kept coming and coming. I got out two mugs and asked if Yuri wanted sugar when I heard the door slam closed.
"One" she replied, sitting down on the table in the kitchen watching my every move.
Once I sat down, I cupped my hands around the hot mug relishing the heat while I watched Yuri take a sip of hers. She didn't look any better than me, wearing a baggy hoodie and had her hair tied up in a bun. "Are you gonna tell me what this is about?" I asked.
"Okay. Tiff I'm just gonna come out with it okay? If I'm wrong…feel free to batter me"
I frowned at that. "Alright…"
Yuri hesitated before sighing. "Tiffany…..are you sleeping with an inmate?"
My whole face dropped as my head started to spin, my eyes widening sufficiently. This was it, Yuri may be my friend but if she knew about what Taeyeon and I were doing…it was her duty like it was any other CO to report me. She took the silence as a yes and I held my head in my hands, shaking it in disbelief. How had she known? I thought I was being careful.
"What the fuck are you playing at?" She seethed, angry that I would be so stupid. "Do you not know what could happen as a result of this?"
"Of course I know" I shot back.
"Fuck Tiff…. What the hell happened? What happened to 'God is my role model' or whatever the fuck you believed in?"
"I…" I didn't even know what to say. "Yuri this wasn't my intention. I didn't set out for anything like this to happen, you know that! I always refused any attempts of seduction because I found it vile-"
"And you don't find it vile anymore? Was it the talk we had?" Yuri paused and it looked like a lightbulb had gone off in her head. "Did I unknowingly talk you into getting with a girl?" She asked, her mouth open in shock.
"No. It just happened. I couldn't stop it" Tears began to fill my eyes. I trusted Yuri but this was a very serious matter.
"Who is it?"
I raised my eye line and saw that her eyes were hard, stern. There was no use trying to ignore her or lie to her. "Taeyeon"
"Who the fuck is Taeyeon?" she frowned before it dawned on her. "Oh my god…its Kim isn't it? The blonde that you've been watching and perving on for months"
Bowing my head again answered her question. "How did you know about…?"
"Tiff, I saw you leaving solitary all flustered. It's not hard to figure out and you're lucky it was me who saw and not Nichkhun. God forbid if he had…your career would be shit."
"I know" I didn't need her telling me what I already knew.
"Okay let's figure this out" she said once she saw how guilty I felt, how sorry I was. "This was just a one-time thing right?"
My jaw clenched while I slowly shook my head, just feeling the disappointment wafting off of Yuri.
"Twice? Three times?" she questioned.
I looked up at her with my teary eyes. "Just under two weeks"
Yuri stood up immediately, her chair scraping against the kitchen floor painfully and then began to pace, biting nervously at her nails. "This can end everything you've spent your life achieving Tiffany. Is this really worth risking your career over?"
"Can I ask you something?" I answered, avoiding her question. "How do you feel when you know you really like a person?"
"Tiff…." She warned .
"Please…just tell me"
Yuri sighed before sitting down, taking my hands in hers. She saw the desperate look in my eyes. "You…think about them almost constantly, everything they do makes you tingle inside…" Yuri was watching my reactions to her words care fully. "They can make you feel strong and weak at the same time…their touch makes you feel powerless, unable to resist."
I nodded. There's my answer. "I can't stay away from her."
She tried to come up with another way of thinking about it. "That's because you've gotten used to her, Nichkhun put you in charge of her care right? She gets out of solitary soon so once she does…just stop this." She talked about it like it was the simplest thing in the world.
"I can't" I replied, much louder this time.
"Answer me this. Are you falling for her…or the way she fucks you?" I was surprised at her bluntness and recoiled a little. "Seriously. Is this a lust thing?"
"No." I replied. "At least I don't think so…come on you just explained what it was to like somebody and you described me to a tee."
"And her?"
That was a question I couldn't answer. I suspected all she felt for me was lust but…could it be possible that she liked me too?
"You don't know do you." Yuri scoffed. "Tiff this girl will chew you up and spit you out. You can't trust her…It's highly possible she's going to boast about sleeping with a CO and I'm telling you now, you have to stop seeing her" Yuri went to get up, to leave me with that thought but I couldn't help replying.
"I don't know if I can do that"
"Well…" Yuri said with a shrug, giving up for the meantime. "I hope you know what you're doing." With that she left.
"Hey, let go" I ordered, trying to hold back my smile.
"Make me" she replied, holding my wrists together in front of me with a glint in her eye.
Unfortunately, Yuri's warnings had gone in one ear and out the other. It wasn't intended of course but each time I saw Taeyeon I just forgot. I was pleased to find she was being playful today, in a great mood. As soon as I walked in, she basically tackled me, pushing me to the wall while she licked her lips.
"Okay officer…." She smirked, taking a moment to look me up and down. "You think you're so tough? Get free"
"Is this the game you like to play?" I replied, an eye-smile taking over my expression while I tested her strength. "You like to wrestle?"
"Maybe. I want to assess whether you're good. Ex officer to officer I mean" she winked. "Not counting the fact that you are being fucked by an inmate every day of course"
"Funny" I scoffed, rolling my eyes.
It had been another week and this was now a regular occurrence, the joking around and the comfortable flirtatious banter. It had taken a while to get to this point but I think…I'd accepted the fact that I one, was screwed either way, and two, was becoming more and more attracted to this girl as time went on. Her being what I thought to be her normal self, not the Taeyeon that was her façade but actually herself, the person she hadn't showed anybody but me was making me believe that my feelings were reciprocated but I couldn't be sure. All I knew, is that she liked to fuck me and she felt comfortable enough to be herself around me, that's all that mattered right now.
"Come on, fight me. Amuse me" She grinned, leaning forward as if she was going to kiss me, our lips only inches apart. When I went to close the gap, she leaned backwards, teasing me which in turn caused me to fight against her grasp. "Weak" she smirked.
"That wasn't my attempt" I replied, raising my eyebrow while she tightened her hold on me ready for my great escape which of course…didn't happen. I struggled to the best of my ability while she watched on with a cocky smile on her face. I was determined to prove her wrong, so I made a cheap move, curving my leg behind hers to sweep her feet out from under her but she wasn't stupid.
She instead counter attacked, making me fall to the ground with her on top straddling me.
Over the course of our 'friends with benefits' relationship, we had never had sex lying down, only standing. This, what we were doing now seemed way more intimate and I found myself looking into her deep eyes, getting lost like I had all the times before. We didn't make any move to get up, we just lay there enjoying the closeness. It was then that I leaned up and kissed her, pouring my feelings out unintentionally and while it may have only been a short kiss, it meant a whole lot more than I had intended. When I dropped my head back to the ground, Taeyeon was looking down on me in slight confusion.
"Can I ask you something?" I said, cutting the silence short. She nodded but didn't avert her gaze. "Can you….tell me something about you?" This was a long shot, but that damn curiosity to know her more was rearing its ugly head again. Taeyeon frowned at the question and loosened her grip on me. "Seriously, I want to know about you."
"Why?" her frown deepened.
"Because….you're a mystery." I replied "I'm open, if you asked me something I'd answer but you…I'm not so sure." Since she wasn't holding me as tightly anymore, I leaned on my elbows making it so she was taller than me, still looking slightly down to meet my gaze. "What do you like?"
Taeyeon tilted her head while her eyes looked off into the distance, unsure of whether to answer. "Books" she grinned while I rolled my eyes at her answer. "Okay um…. I like, painting or drawing" I knew that too, but I was eager to know more about her passion.
"What do you like to draw?"
"People, landscapes….whatever I want really" she shrugged. I smiled when I thought about her drawings and how talented she was. She could have been an artist or even a graphic designer, her skills were incredible.
"And that girl in your sketchbook? Who is she?"
It was only a second before her light mood dropped, darkening almost immediately causing me to lean back a little in response. I saw her look away, her eyes black as she thought about whatever was in her head right now, whatever I had put there. She got up, walking away back to her bed.
"What?" I frowned, standing up with her before dusting off the backs of my clothes.
"Can you go?" Her voice was deep and unfriendly, please tell me I hadn't just made us take two steps backwards. I felt like cutting off my tongue, I could seriously not say anything right around this woman unless it was 'Ah! Faster!' When I didn't move she raised her voice a little "You shouldn't be here, it looks suspicious"
"Like that's stopped us before" I retorted, confused at her changing mood so suddenly.
"Can you please just leave me alone?" she asked again.
"What?" I was so muddled, what's her problem?
"You heard me, officer" My heart hurt at the way she called me as if we didn't know each other and I was just any other guard to her. It stung. "I don't want you here"
I felt as if I'd just been kicked, slapped in the face "What the hell did I do?"
"Go!" she shouted, her voice filling the room, her eyes fiery.
I felt the tense atmosphere and I knew when I wasn't wanted so I turned to leave, stopping just short of the door. "Fine. If that's what you really want" I said before slamming the door and locking her inside. She really needed to sort her anger issues.
After a few days without seeing Taeyeon since she got out of solitary, I requested some time off because I was finding it way too hard to stay away, to even catch a glimpse of her. I was currently at a nightclub, sat at the bar while the bartender tried to flirt but my mind was elsewhere. The music was deafening and although I felt my head was spinning from the alcohol I had already consumed, I wasn't quite drunk enough. As soon as I went to order another vodka-coke, the bartender smiled at me and produced one but didn't take my money.
"Hey, I haven't paid for that" I slurred, thrusting the cash in his face which he simply took and put back in my bag which was sitting on top of the bar.
"Courtesy of the guy over there" he winked and motioned to my right. I followed his finger and saw a man looking over at me, smirking while sipping the same drink as I before getting up and making his way over to me.
I smelt his aftershave as he slipped into the seat beside me, his gaze on my breasts "Hi" he winked
"Hello" I replied, "Uh….thanks. For this" I said as I held up the drink before taking a big gulp and wincing slightly at the growing headache.
"You should slow down a little, I've been watching you down those things like they are water" he chuckled. His voice was deep and alluring, he was handsome too but I wasn't interested. Poor guy was wasting his time.
"Yeah well…I've had a bad week" I sighed, stirring my finger in the remainder of my drink absentmindedly.
"Oh yeah? What would a pretty thing like you have to worry about?" I wanted to laugh at his attempts but that would be rude.
"Plenty" I smiled and looked at him, his hazel eyes meeting mine for a moment before I looked away.
"Care to talk about it?" he asked, making a move to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear effectively making me uncomfortable. He retreated his hand soon after though he stayed sitting next to me, holding onto a little hope maybe.
"Sorry I'm not really interested" I said rather bluntly, hearing him scoff before he left and not without an insult my way about being a cock-tease. Yuri was right, men are dickheads.
I chuckled to myself and once I finished my drink, got up to leave but I felt another presence beside me, waiting for me to notice them.
"Listen…" I said, my tone quite pissed now thinking it was him again. "I told you I'm not…" as I turned I saw a rather stunning woman looking back at me, her long, dark brown hair and dark eyes glistening under the disco lights. She raised her eyebrows for me to continue my sentence but seeing as that guy was no longer here, I chose to make myself comfortable again, turning slightly towards her. "Hey"
"Hi, can I buy you a drink?" she smiled, it was obvious that she had an ulterior motive but feeling the buzz from the alcohol a lot more now, I amused her.
"I think…I need to lay off the booze right now." I chuckled. "I'm getting a little dizzy"
"Are you alright?" She asked, concern taking over her features. "Do you want water?"
"Water would be great" I smiled, "Thanks…?"
"Bora" she replied, holding out her hand. I took it before introducing myself
"Tiffany"
"That's a nice name, American?" She grinned, a glint in her eye.
"Bravo" I chuckled, giving a light applause at her guess. I was completely drunk.
There was a comfortable silence as we both finished our drinks but she broke it soon after "Okay, lets skip the bullshit" She smirked, her gaze turning mischievous. I raised my eyebrows at what she'd said but waited for her to finish while she started looking around and then leaned in to whisper in my ear. "Do you want to go back to my place?"