my first ever keenler fic. after that premiere, i just couldn't not. this is also probably the shortest fic i've ever written, so please be kind.

and can we talk about the fact that ressler is willing to do just about anything to save keen from the russians in the next episode?

anyway, read, ponder and enjoy.

Secret love, my escape

Take me far, far away

Secret love, are you there

Will you answer my prayer?

Please take me anywhere but here

Anywhere but here

-Anywhere But Here, Mayday Parade

It was ridiculous, how much he missed her. Really, it hadn't even been two days and he already missed her.

He would come back to his – their – office to fetch a document and see her desk and halt in his steps, remembering them sharing cookies and laughing at the most un-laughable matter. He would stand at the operations and station and see an echo of her standing there akimbo, explaining things to them in that firm and non-judgmental tone of hers. He would get in the car to chase after a lead of her and forget how to drive for a few seconds because he would hate that Samar was sitting next to him instead of her and he wouldn't have anyone to banter with.

It was ridiculous.

He stared at the air duct with a look of utter absence on his face. If he didn't find her soon, he was going to be sick. His mouth felt dryer than sandbox in the summer. Each passing moment only led to the next, of him chasing down every lead, no matter how small, just to find her.

He clenched his jaw and suppressed a groan. He convinced himself that he was looking for her because he felt betrayed. Elizabeth Keen betrayed the organization, the task force, him. He trusted her and he let her go only for news of her being a Russian spy to surface.

He could feel the eyes of other agents burning into the back of his head, especially Samar's. He could hear the whispers of them behind his back, either praising him for his relentlessness or wondering why he was being so ruthless.

But the truth was…

He just missed her.

He used to hate her. He used to think that she was an incompetent baby in the task force and Harrison Cooper was an idiot for trusting her with Raymond Reddington. He was wary of working with her and he didn't trust her.

And he knew that she knew.

He didn't know when. He didn't know how. Maybe it was her strength. Maybe it was how she never surrendered to him. Maybe it was the way she spoke. Maybe it was how she made Reddington keel when no one could. He didn't know.

She made him trust her. He trusted her with his life. He would willingly hand over his heart to her because he trusted that she would keep it safe and keep him safe.

He still did.

God, he would give anything to see just one more time.

Well, he got to see her.

She was blonde. She was in a hoodie. She was basically dressed like a hoodlum.

She looked beautiful.

And he hated that he couldn't get to touch her or even compliment her.

She handed herself over to the Russian Embassy, that silly woman. She should trust him. Shouldn't this trust thing go both ways? Wasn't that how it worked?

Then why didn't she trust him? Just for once, trust him to ensure that she wouldn't be indicted or harmed.

He watched as she spouted off her Russian name fluently with some affliction. He watched as she stared at him, with disappointment.

And all he could think was...

I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I love you.

so?