4.5.2
It's early when she hears the impatient knock on the door and it's not until it happens that Carrie realizes she's been waiting for it. Not that she's actually thought of anything other than the mission at hand, bringing Aayan around. But somewhere in her subconscious she knew he'd be coming.
She had been watching the boy sleep, thinking how vulnerable he was in his situation. It was endearing in a way, and she had come to like him more than anticipated. Of course she is just using him like always, isn't going to get him any of the things she promised. Yet telling him her painful truths had actually made sort of bond between them, and Carrie almost forgets she only did it to get his secret in return.
The knocking makes her impatient immediately, interrupts her momentary peace. She knows who it is, and she already does not want to talk to him.
Lately just thinking of Quinn makes her irritable and she can't quite figure out why. She thinks it stems from their first conversation after he got back, when he told her how close he'd been to getting out. Since then she's felt a low lying guilt about him, dragging him back into something he'd been so close to escaping. It was why she had tried to make amends, settle things.
But Quinn isn't easily settled, never has been. And talking to him now is not going to be pleasant. She doesn't have much of a choice though, knows he won't go until this is done. So Carrie puts on her emotional armour, walks out the door and looks around for him.
She spots him across the street, sitting behind a tree, breaking pretty much every rule in the book. And she wonders what the hell could be so important for him to just sit plainly near the safe house, so out in the open.
"Have you ever heard of protocol?" she snaps as she approaches.
"Have you ever heard of the phone?" Quinn volleys back, as he stands up, crosses his arms.
"I'm fucking busy," she replies. Which is the truth, what she was doing required total immersion. There was no time for her to think about anything else.
"You have gone completely AWOL," he fires back. "That is bullshit."
The thing Carrie hates most is he is often fucking right, will point out exactly what she doesn't want to see. So she has no real come back to his accusation because it's true and she knows it.
"Well, here I am," she says instead. "So what's your big emergency?"
"There are two of them," he replies sharply. "Number one, Saul found Farhad Ghazi."
"Where?" she asks, irritated to realize that maybe Quinn does actually have things she needs to know.
"He's flying to Johannesburg as we speak, Agency is going to pick up the trail when he lands," Quinn replies.
And she thinks that's why you're fucking here, Quinn. To pick up on this stuff for her, not to badger her about shit he's already dealt with.
"Alright, so you handled it," Carrie says, still wondering why he's so pissed off.
"That's not the point," he snaps.
"What you want a gold star?" she fires back, realizing she needs to get on the offensive. Or Quinn is going to get to her in that way that he does.
"We also found the cleric," he adds, condescendingly.
"Okay, two gold stars," she snarks right back. Fuck, she thinks. If everything's dealt with then what the fuck does he need her for?
"But without a drone, which you could have secured in five minutes, he slipped away," Quinn continues, interrupting her.
Fuck, Carrie thinks, lets it slip out quietly. Now she gets why he's pissed, realizes he might have a point.
"Yes, you crapped the fucking bed," he points out.
And the thing is it doesn't matter if Quinn is right, if she fucked up. Because she's onto something bigger than following the cleric or an ISI thug. She knows Aayan is the key to everything and she's on the brink, has him perfectly snagged in her web of trust and deceit.
That's the part Quinn doesn't fucking get - that she knows exactly what she's doing, that everything hinges on this boy, her asset.
"You're wrong, Quinn," she states. "You don't know what you're talking about."
And though he's been pissed off this whole time, something now shifts in his body language, becomes even stiffer, more disapproving.
"Well, why don't you tell me then," he replies, the words firing sharply off his tongue. "Why don't you tell me just what it is you're doing in there."
Of course she hears the judgement right away, the accusation in his tone. The worst part is the hollowness she feels as she tries to come up with a response. Because as much as she has to do whatever she can, Carrie knows there are still lines that shouldn't be crossed.
Yet this is who she is, how it's always been. She steps beyond the lines, will do anything for the mission. And if Quinn has a problem with that then maybe she needs to push him off his hypocritical moral high ground.
"I'm recruiting someone," she finally says, has no other way of putting it.
But of course Quinn pulls no punches, never has.
"Really," he snaps. "Cause to me it looks like you're fucking a child."
Somehow he always knows exactly what will get her right in the gut, hit her where it hurts. And instantly all her emotional defenses fire up, tenseness works it way up into her neck.
Quinn turns, starts to walk away. And even though Carrie knows she should just let him go, let him think what he wants, she can't. Of all people, she doesn't want Quinn to think badly of her, has always appreciated the mutual respect between them.
"I had two days!" she replies defensively. "I had to move fast."
It's what she's been telling herself this whole time, that the end justified the means. Especially if the end was a line on Hassaim Haqqani.
But obviously Quinn doesn't share her point of view, turns with as much quiet anger in him as she's ever seen. He walks back up to her, pushes into her space.
"Is there no line? Carrie?" he asks forcefully. "Is there no fucking line?"
It's exactly what she had been asking herself earlier but having Quinn question her morality right to her face is not something that she can handle right now. Every defensive wall is up at the moment and she needs a way to back out of this situation, get rid of him.
Thankfully, as much as he knows how to get to her, she knows him just as well. There's a reason he's extra touchy this morning and it has nothing to do with her being incommunicado for a day. It's one of those things she both loves and hates about him - he is particularly sensitive to her actions, cares about her more than he should.
"What's it to you anyways?" she fires back, knowing exactly what it is to him, also knowing he will never admit it.
Quinn pauses for a moment, and for a second she thinks her plan may have backfired, that he is going into territory that shouldn't be explored. But then his expression changes, loses a degree of intensity.
"Nothing," he finally says, clearly trying to believe his own lie.
"Okay then," Carrie replies, gives him a 'so there' look.
"Enjoy," Quinn says snarkily as he finally turns and walks away.
"All right," she answers, thankful the conversation is finally done.
Quinn stalks off and Carrie heads back to the safe house, tries to put the whole confrontation back behind her emotional wall. She doesn't have time to deal with Quinn, care about what he thinks. Aayan is the key to figuring this whole thing out, she tells herself. And the only way to get him talking is to get him to trust her.
Carrie walks back in, sees that Aayan's not in bed anymore. Looks around and has a moment of panic, thinks he might have somehow left while she was arguing with Quinn. Finally she looks up at the windows, walks up to find him on the balcony, looking out at the hills.
She tells Aayan it was one of her stringers at the door, then comes up to stand close to him as he admires the beauty of the view, puts her hand on his back.
After doing the job for so long, recruiting so many assets, Carrie senses that this is the moment, that Aayan's about to break. And then, right on schedule, he tells her his big truth - that his uncle is still alive, that he takes him medicine.
Carrie reminds herself to breathe, to keep calm as the boy confides in her, tells her he didn't want to lie to her any longer. Little bombs of excitement go off inside of her as her ploy works out perfectly and she mentally says a 'so there' to Quinn for questioning her ways.
Her ensnarement of Aayan has almost been perfect, she tells herself as he tells her it's a secret, that she can't write about it.
Of course Carrie pretends to object, then lets him win, agrees to not tell anyone.
And it's almost perverse that he thinks it's all true, that they're being honest with each other. He says how his uncle is the only family he has left, then looks away sadly.
It's not until right then that Carrie really gets that she's the reason his whole family is dead, that it's just random luck that Aayan survived the attack. And for a brief moment it hits her hard, to think of killing him, his parents, his siblings.
But then Carrie shakes herself out of it, tells herself that it's in the past now, that she's doing what she can to right the wrong, find out what happened. And now that Aayan has admitted his first secret, she knows he will end up leading her right to Haqqani, that she just has to keep playing it right.
So she pushes it all out of her mind - questions of right and wrong, lines that should or shouldn't be crossed. Fuck Quinn and his judgments, she thinks, vindicated by her success.
Carrie takes the boy into her arms, caresses him gently as the sun pushes above the hills. Yet the warmth of the day doesn't rid her of the coldness in her gut, the doubt that Quinn planted in her mind.
#
He's sitting in a stew of angry disgust, sharply aware of just how reactive Carrie makes him, even when she's not around.
Nominally, that's the point. Her absence from the job, her refusal to take calls. But if he's honest with himself Quinn knows it's not just that - he wouldn't be this worked up if it was just dereliction of duty.
And no one else will confront her about this, they're all scared of her - for good reason too. But this is pretty much exactly why he came back, to try and keep her in line. Of course, now that he's standing here, ready to confront her, he wants to be somewhere else, does not want to have to deal with any of this shit.
He sees Carrie emerge from her hideout, not quite dressed. She looks pissed off and sets on him right away, snaps at him about protocol.
Quinn's just as angry as he asks her if she's ever heard of the fucking phone, calls bullshit when she tells him she's been busy. He knows exactly what kind of busy she's been, has seen this before. But somehow this is different. Partly because it's a kid, partly because he's mostly innocent. Playing a terrorist, someone that knows what he's getting himself into, that's one thing. Whatever she's got going on in that safe house with the kid, that's something else all together.
Finally Carrie calms down enough to ask why he was trying to get a hold of her and he tries to tamp down his anger as he tells her about Ghazi, about losing the cleric because she fucked up.
And of course telling Carrie she's in the wrong, screwed things up yet, finally pushes her past the edge. He can see her heat up internally as she glares at him.
"You're wrong, Quinn," she snaps. "You don't know what you're talking about."
Fuck did they ever know how to push each other's buttons, he thinks. Because he's pretty fucking sure he knows exactly what he's talking about. And if she wants to bring it up then he's ready to do battle.
"Well, why don't you tell me then," he replies, dripping accusation off his words. "Why don't you tell me just what it is you're doing in there."
He wonders if she's surprised he brought it up, what the hell she could possibly say to justify what she's doing. But he's learned not to underestimate her in any way, that seemingly anything is possible when it comes to Carrie.
"I'm recruiting someone," she finally says, as if he's just going to let it go at that.
She must not realize he's fucking over the edge, is not going to hold anything back. Because she's really crossed the line this time. And he's more than a little scared he's never going to get her back.
"Really," Quinn fires backs. "Cause to me it looks like you're fucking a child."
At least he can tell that it inflicts some damage, he can see her tense with the accusation, put her emotional guard up. And he thinks that's got to be it, that she can't have anything to say after that. So he turns, starts to walk away. At least he's said his piece, told her what he really thinks.
But of course Carrie tries to defend herself, tells him that she only had two days, that she had to move fast.
The worst part is he can tell she means it, that she thinks that justifies what she's been doing. And that makes him wonder if he ever actually knew her, if this is just who Carrie is.
He doesn't want to believe it, still thinks there must be something human left in her. And even though he knows it's pointless, he turns and walks back up to her, pushes into her space.
"Is there no line? Carrie?" he asks angrily. "Is there no fucking line?"
"What's it to you anyways?" she fires right back.
And just like that Quinn loses the upper hand in the situation, feels his innards start to roil. Because she always knows exactly how to push him, and he does not at all want to think about why this has him so inflamed.
He has nothing to come back with, knows she's won another round. Because there's no fucking way he's going to explore this subject with her and Carrie knows it. She's playing him as she always does, using his weakness against him.
"Nothing," he finally says, knowing the lie is evident in his voice.
"Okay then," Carrie replies, gives him a 'so there' look.
"Enjoy," he snaps at her, irritated she's managed to get the best of the situation yet again.
"All right," she answers, turning and walking away.
Quinn strides off, now completely pissed off in every way. At Carrie, at himself, at the situation in general. He doesn't know why he ever thought he could influence her thoughts, change her actions. It's like he enjoys banging his head against a wall, deliberately chooses hopeless tasks to make himself even more miserable than usual.
He's still fuming when he gets to his vehicle, sits in the driver's seat clenching and unclenching his hands as he thinks about the conversation that just happened. The worst part is that Carrie has a point, that what she's doing should not mean so much to him.
Of course he knows exactly the implication that she's making - it's what Carrie does, finds your tender spot and attacks it. It's what she's doing now with the boy, making him hers. And she did it to Quinn long ago, before he even recognized what was going on.
But now he knows he's complicit, that he's had ample chance to let it go and yet he's here, trying to talk sense into a fucking ice cold intelligence gathering machine. So that's on him, and of course Carrie knew exactly where to attack, how to get him off his game.
So now it's time for him to harden up, show her his resolve. If this is the line she's taking then he will at least refuse to be involved, show his disgust in her methods. And he knows it will be hard, that he will want to give in. Because there's something in him he can't get rid of - a desire to protect her, keep her safe.
And somehow nothing she does can extinguish it - if this last thing with the boy wasn't enough to kill it then he doesn't know what could. No matter how harsh she is to him, how much he can't bear to be around her, he just can't stop caring.
The thing is, Quinn can't quite determine if he hates himself more for this failing or if it's the only redeeming quality he has left. All he knows is that he's completely disgusted by her - yet, as always, he can't stay away.