As soon as my head hit that pillow I was ready to succumb to my exhaustion. Even coming into my apartment I felt like a zombie; the undead. Never had I been this tired before. Maybe it was because of that damn migraine... I don't know but literally, I could have just collapsed right there. So that's exactly what I did.
A groan of pure comfort left my mouth as soon as I felt the warm duvet surround my body, a small smile appearing with closed eyes when I inhaled the fresh and homely scent. I hadn't even taken my uniform off but I was too comfy now to even try.
Soon I was slipping into unconsciousness, my head throbbing faintly, my eyes probably refusing to ever open again.
And that's when...I got a phone call.
"Noooo" I whined, knowing I would have to move those few inches to pick it up. I thought about leaving it to go through to the answer machine, surely if it was thatimportant whoever it was would leave a message. However, when it finally did and I heard Bora's voice telling me as quoted "Pick up the fucking phone", I did as I was told despite how painful it was to move from my perfect fetal position. As Bora kept throwing obscenities at me, my hand was blindly slamming itself down on my bedside table trying to locate the phone.
"Mm?" I answered when I finally found it.
"What took you so long you lazy shit?" Was the reply, I was too weak to even care about her rudeness.
"Umm...how did you... get my number?" I yawned, most probably pissing her off in the process. I distinctly remember her giving me her card but I certainly didn't give her my number.
"I was tired of waiting for your call so I asked Yuri. Are you free to talk?" Oh wow, a complete 360 turn there in regards to her manners. I swear everyone I know is bipolar.
I nodded tiredly until I remembered that she couldn't see me. "Yes, yes...okay"
"Yuri told me you had a night shift, is the poor baby tired?" Her patronizing tone would have made me roll my eyes if they were open.
"Just get on with it" I muttered, eager to just get whatever this was about over with.
"Temper temper..." I heard her scoff and then silence. I waited a while only to then threaten that I would hang up if she took any longer.
"Okay okay. So I've been looking into the whole Taeyun thing"
"TaeYEON" I corrected her, though was eager to hear what she had to say, perking up as best I could.
"Whatever, anyway so I've been working it out. To get her released right now is impossible because we don't have any evidence to say that she wasn't aware of what she was doing. It's as if saying a murderer was drunk when he killed his victim...It just doesn't work"
A slight whine later and I was sat up, putting my whole attention on what Bora was saying. "So that's it? There's no way?"
"There is a way, but it's tricky. You said that Taeyeon was convicted of child abuse due to both the physical evidence of assault on the kid and what her friend said to testify against her, yes?"
"Yes..." Where was she going with this? Sure I studied law enforcement but I literally had no idea how this could work. Then again maybe it was because I was tired.
"Well, I'm afraid the only way we have hope of getting her out is to talk to her friend and her son. Try to persuade them to take back their statements, forgive her due to the tragic circumstances and get Taeyeon to send off a request form to re-open the trial."
That last part would be easy since Taeyeon had already agreed to do it, but the others? How on earth was I going to get her friend to forgive her just like that? It was damn near impossible.
"I know it's messy Tiff, but at least we can try? All I need is the address of the pair and maybe a handwritten note from Taeyeon herself to try and change their mind. It may not work so I need you to tell her to not get her hopes up, they may not want to go through the whole court process again. I'm sure it was just as tragic for them as it was for your...friend."
My heart was pounding, hearing that it was possible to get her out was making me tear up in joy, but then having it just out of reach from us due to the fact her friend was the only thing left that could save her...it scared me.
"Why are you doing this for me?" I asked suddenly, my voice breaking from the overflow of emotions within me right now.
"We barely know each other, we just had a random one night stand that held no feelings. Why on earth would you be willing to go through all this just for me and some girl you've never met before?" I really wanted to know, ever since she gave me that card and told me she would do what she could...it had stumped me.
All I could hear was her breathing on the other line, her thinking of what to say. It stayed that way for a whole minute yet I strangely didn't feel the need to interrupt to ask again.
"I'm not stupid Tiffany."
"S-sorry?" I replied, unaware of where that had even come from.
"I said I'm not stupid. Do you think that with me working as a lawyer for four years, I can't tell when someone is lying?"
"..."
"I know about the relationship you and Taeyeon have together. I knew the second you started talking about her. I knew because of how Yuri reacted, I knew because your eyes show so much more than you would ever think possible."
"I...uh. It's not-" Oh my god, I stood up almost immediately beginning to pace back and forth while trying to think of a logical answer to throw her off the scent. As I ran my hand through my hair and bit my lip when nothing came to mind, Bora spoke again.
"Tiffany don't try to lie to me. I knew through the emotion you relayed when you told that story of hers, when your eyes twinkled at every mention of her name and how you tried to hold back a smile each time. You're in love with her."
I burst into tears as soon as I heard those words come from her mouth. While I was no longer afraid of being reported to the police by Bora... I was now afraid because even shecould see how I felt about that girl. It was only a matter of time before others would find out and that scared me more than anything.
"Bora...please" I begged, I wasn't sure why but it just came out along with the seemingly endless amount of tears.
"I even saw it when we met that night at the bar, you may not have been as deep as you are now but you still felt something strongly towards that girl. And Tiffany, I'm not going to do anything rash alright? I-I just want to help you."
When her voice wavered, I wondered what she was thinking but was too overcome with emotions to even know what to ask. All that mattered right now though, was that I needed to do what she asked to give Taeyeon the best chance of freedom. And after that, I needed to seriously think about taking that job, getting myself arrested for raping an inmate right at the moment where I could change everything for Taeyeon would not help anyone and I was so stupid to take it this far.
"Get some sleep alright? Yuri said something about you working again tonight so get some rest and phone me as soon as possible with those details. I'll talk to you soon."
As I hung up the phone after sniffling a 'goodbye' and a 'thank you', I sat back down on the bed and found myself staring at that email on my cell phone albeit with blurry vision.
'We hope to hear from you shortly with your decision'
Everything Taeyeon and I had gone through during these many months could be described as nothing more than an adventure. A roller coaster of emotions that went to new highs, and new lows. The shouting, the smiling and the screaming and the crying. Each day held new problems but each day also gave me a chance to further pull down her wall that now was only inches high. I was almost there but at the same time...so very far.
When I closed my eyes, all I heard were the put-downs that I'd heard so many times before.
'Think about it, she has this hot CO trying to get to know her, showing interest in everything she does and has done...she feels you are an easy target. She wants sex, wants to get rid of some stress. Join up the dots'
Yuri's words rung in my ears as my migraine started to return full-force, pain shot through my head as my tears fell one by one. I grabbed a clump of my hair and squeezed while wincing at the pure torture inflicted by her words.
'Answer me this. Are you falling for her…or the way she fucks you?'
For her, I'm falling for her! My voice screamed back, trying to make her believe me. Taeyeon likes me too...she does, she-
'Has she told you that what she feels is more than just sex?'
No...but-
'Has she told you she at least likes you?'
No she hasn't but it doesn't mean that she feels nothing for me!
'Think about it from her perspective'.
I was convinced I was going crazy, arguing within my own mind. It was like an echo...'she doesn't love you...she never will'... I was crying because I knew deep down it was true and I couldn't handle those thoughts spiraling around my head anymore.
All it took was me imagining the day when Taeyeon got out, all smiles but none of them were for me. She was free, and I watched as she walked straight past me to go and live her life. I was left standing in front of the prison staring at the car that drove her away and she didn't even give me a second glance.
I snapped. I'd had enough of everything telling me I wasn't good enough for her, how I couldn't be as good as Jessica and without thinking I grabbed the nearest object and threw it at the wall, watching it break into a hundred tiny pieces.
And then I did it again...and again and again, feeling my anger dissipate slightly each time.
It wasn't long before my bedroom was trashed, my bedside table on its side now sporting a huge crack which had happened once it had fallen, the lamp that had sat upon it shattered on the floor and the phone halfway across the room. Pieces of glass were scattered on the ground and the book I had bought because of her...the pages were ripped out and crumpled up.
After calming down but then seeing the trash heap that was now my room, I retreated until my back hit the nearest wall while my feet collapsed from under me. With my eyesight now completely blurred from the tears that refused to fall just yet, I brought my knees in to my chest and let out a shaky breath.
The feelings were too much, the misery of not being wanted was worse than anything I've experienced. The pain of my heart that beats for her shriveling up due to not being loved the same way back. It longed for someone to keep it, to treat it right and to tell it over and over how much they cared and appreciated everything it had done for them...but there was nothing like that in my life.
I could blame it on Taeyeon for making me feel this way, for turning my life upside down but in actual fact it was all my fault. I was the one who had pursued her, I was the one who had the choice to go into her room and start this whole one-sided love affair. She was just going along for the ride, she had done nothing wrong. It was all me. I was the one putting myself in danger, being careless and reckless and I knew if I didn't do something now, it could all come to a head before the trial even took place. If Yuri and Bora could see it, then it was only a matter of time until everyone could. We had been lucky up till now but, how long would it be until that luck ran out?
The last thing I remember before falling asleep was picking up my cellphone, dialing the number at the bottom of the email and...
"Hello, my name is Tiffany Hwang and I'm calling about the job offer I received two days ago via email?"
"Yes, I applied for the Sergeant position...that's right."
"Well, I'm calling to give you my answer, I've made my decision."
It was all a blur but after signing a form, leaving Nichkhun's office and having an emotional chat with Yuri...I was standing in front of that very familiar door. I wasn't sure why, but I felt the need to knock before I entered this time despite knowing I would have to unlock it myself. It was as if I knew that I may become a stranger after the conversation we needed to have tonight. I didn't want it to go the way I feared though, I really hoped for both of our sakes that she would give me what I needed. But right now, the ball was in her court and so with all of that in mind, knocking was the most respectful thing to do.
I couldn't hear anything through the door even as I set my ear against it. I guess that was a plus though, as things could become heated tonight.
As I stood there, I glanced at the room a few doors down. How loud must that couple have been to have their groans heard by us the other night? Yikes.
Anyway, soon I focused my attention back on the one in front of me and figured that it was best to get it over with as soon as possible. So I knocked a few times before grabbing my keys that unbeknownst to me had been a target of my nervousness on the walk up here.
All I heard at that moment was the click of the lock as I turned the key and then the draught blowing through my hair when I opened it.
"Taeyeon?" I whispered softly, taking a few steps inside and looking into what would be darkness if it wasn't for the lights in the corridor shining through. Again, not wanting to startle her or make her uncomfortable from the no doubt blinding light, I shut the door behind me and grabbed the flashlight from my belt.
"Taeyeon it's me, are you awake?"
No answer.
With a shaky exhale, I proceeded to walk over to where her bed was while shining the torch at the ground, narrowly missing the same damn object that had tripped me up last night. As I approached, I could see that she was fast asleep and looked almost peaceful, something that you wouldn't expect to see with surroundings like she had.
"Tae?" I whispered even quieter than before, although I wanted to wake her...I also wanted to cherish this moment where I could just look at her. Her baby face that reminded me of that photo that I find myself staring at quite often. It somehow also made me think of her family.
When I looked at those perfect features, I wondered if she has a mother that will stroke her face lovingly and tell her "I missed you" when she's finally released and returned back home...
Or a dad that will pull her into his arms and break down in tears due to the fact his baby girl is now safe. Does she look like either of them?
She has never told me about her family, only Jessica and it made me wonder if she even has one, or whether in fact Jessica was her only family. If that was the case, how sad must that be to be so alone in this world, let alone in a place where hours upon hours... your thoughts are the only thing giving you company.
But her face showed no worries or concerns, no blemishes from stress and no frown lines from the aggression that appeared every now and then...And so I timidly reached out to stroke her cheek with the backs of my fingers, wondering whether she would everthink of me as family.
"Mmmm" A raspy groan came from her throat before I quickly whipped my hand away and stood up straight, I kept my eyes on the sleeping beauty however as she awoke from her slumber.
"Hey" I said softly, giving a small and almost sad smile. I was grateful she still had her eyes shut because she would probably have asked me what was wrong and I couldn't talk about that right now, it wasn't what I wanted.
What I wanted was to savor whatever moment this would bring without questions...So when she blinked and opened her eyes enough to squint, I held my finger against her lips and begged her with my expression to stay quiet. I was grateful to find she did.
She instead took my hand and pulled it away from her mouth before sitting up, her back against the wall and looking right at me.
"I'm sorry for disturbing you...again." I said with a shy chuckle while she tutted in a joking manner, giving me a slight smile soon after. "I had to see you before I..."When her eyes twinkled, looking nowhere but at my own I realized that this was going to be harder than I had thought. In the meantime, I positioned the flashlight on the bed just like I had the last night.
"Before you...?" Her warm and husky voice filled my ears and all I desired was to hear it say my name in the same way.
Closing my eyes while the shivers eased, I opened my mouth to say what I had planned but only a croak came out in its place. I found I was getting emotional despite not having made up my mind 100% yet. Deep down, I knew how this was going to go.
"Taeyeon I...I want you to know that I am so glad I met you, really I mean it. And whatever happens from here on out...I'll always be there for you..."
Whether you want me to or not.
The instant confusion appearing on her face struck a shooting pain through my heart, and when my eyes clouded over I had to get away from her even if just for a moment.
"What are you talking about?" She asked while I got up, an effort to calm my increasing nerves.
"I have some news" I spluttered, pairing it with a smile though any fool could see it was fake. How much I wanted to tell her right there and then...but I chickened out right after I took a breath.
Despite my annoyance at myself though, the thing that came out of my mouth instead was important too.
"There's a way to get you out" I smiled, this time a real one and only because of her reaction. Her grin was wide, her dimple as prominent as it had ever been.
"What? Really?" That smile was something rare, always so magical to see. "How?"
I sat down opposite her and proceeded to reveal what Bora had told me, what Taeyeon would need to do to achieve what she wanted. Although the mention of her 'friend' and the child that had ruined her life caused the smile to vanish quickly, the nod of her head when she knew that it was her only chance to lead a free life sooner than she thought possible was something I was happy to see.
"This is really happening" she whispered, almost in bewilderment as she handed me the hand-written letter we had finished together.
"I could get out, I'd be free" I was surprised to see tears in her eyes, Taeyeon was tough and I'd only ever seen her cry twice...so this must have been a big deal for her to do so and so openly like that.
"I'll make sure to give this to Bora soon alright?" I smiled and tucked both the information that included where the 'friend' lived as well as her address and also the letter that would beg for her forgiveness into my pocket.
"Bora?" She replied, slightly confused. "Is that the lawyer?"
"Yes, she's the lawyer" I answered, patting down my uniform and almost forgetting the main reason I was here to talk to her.
Taeyeon frowned "You're on a first name basis with her?"
I copied that grimace. "Well yes, didn't I already tell you she's Yuri cousin?" What was with all these questions?
Taeyeon's frown deepened and she averted her eyes, showing that she was thinking deeply about something "Oh...but I'm well aware that Kwon doesn't like me. Why would her cousin help me out?"
Okay, so after my little meltdown earlier and after convincing myself that this must be a one-sided thing, listening to Taeyeon sound almost suspicious over my knowing another woman was somewhat confusing.
"Well, to get her to take on your case I had to tell her about you" I shrugged, telling her it wasn't that big of a deal. "She was interested in helping you."
Now this is where I messed up a little, I started to babble because for some reason, what would inevitably come next didn't register in my brain as something bad. Maybe it was my nerves overriding my senses but it started what I thought would happen...just not for the reason I expected.
"You know in fact it was quite a shock to see her the other night after everything... I didn't think I was ever going to see her again-"
"Why? And after what?" Her response was sharp, the utter speed of it leaving her mouth like a bullet that finally told me that I'd started something that I perhaps couldn't finish. I looked left and right, looking for something to give me an idea to change the subject.
"Uh..." I mumbled, finding nothing,
"Have you met her before?" She asked, standing up now.
"How would you not know she's a lawyer if you've met before? Surely what she works as tends to be one of the first questions you ask after 'What's your name?' "
It soon became increasingly obvious Taeyeon was doubtful that Bora and I's relationship was purely platonic and it was this that caused me to go on the defensive.
"Why are you questioning me like I'm the criminal here?" I asked with an attitude that Taeyeon really didn't appreciate.
"Excuse me? So now I am guilty?" Fuck, I curse the day God didn't give me a connection from my brain to my mouth, it seems impossible for me to think before I say something.
"No that's not what I-" I tried to explain but she wasn't having any of it.
"No come on, what did you mean by that? She pressed on. "Is there something you're hiding?" I walked away but her raising her voice stopped me in my tracks, as well as the words she was spitting, "I know she didn't do this favor because you told her about what we've been doing in this cell because that would be really fucking stupid"
Taeyeon chuckled as if it was something that only the dumbest person would be capable of yet she didn't know that that was exactly one of the reasons Bora was helping us out. I turned and opened my mouth to reply, seeing she still had a smirk on her face but when nothing came out, her expression returned to her cold and hard look as she shook her head in disbelief.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" She seethed, steeping closer.
"What, so she's doing this out of the kindness of her heart when she found out how 'sweet' our escapades were? Is that how you made them seem? How could you be so stupid? She's a fucking lawyer, if you or I said one wrong word she could put you in jail with the click of her fingers!"
A slight warmth passed through my body as I listened to her reasoning. She was showing that she was thinking of my safety here too. Holding back a small smile, I tried to reassure her that Bora could be trusted.
"She wouldn't do that" I said and aimed to continue though Taeyeon just cut me off yet again.
"But you just told me you barely knew her until the other night! You can't bond with a fucking lawyer in a few hours, enough to tell all of our secrets. What happened between the pair of you that she feels she has to pay you back for with this HUGE favor?"
Silence. Also that heat that she had given had now been taken away as I ran out of options.
"I'm not here for this" I replied finally, turning my back "Just accept that I'm trying to help you and deal with it"
"No. I want to know!" She barked. "What is it that you aren't telling me?" When she pushed me roughly to face her again I had had enough, my emotions were sky rocketing to the surface.
"Just stop yelling at me I can't take this Taeyeon!" I yelled back, surprising her no doubt but not enough to have quietened her down or make her back off. She just kept pushing...and pushing.
"Then leave! Who's stopping you?" Those words, they hurt despite knowing that she didn't know what was on my mind right now. When she raised her eyebrows and motioned to the door, I couldn't control myself.
"Is that what you want? Is that what you really want?" If she said yes...
Taeyeon paused as if to think before shrugging her shoulders and saying words that injured my heart more than it had been already.
"All we do is fuck and argue so I don't see why not"
She didn't know what she was saying...I tried to tell myself this over and over, trying to cling onto the happier times we spent together but when she laughed and walked away from me, I exploded.
"Is that all I am to you? Are you actually being serious? How could you say that after all I've done for you?" I was in disbelief as I watched her drop onto her bed like what she had just said was nothing. When she picked up a book and began to skim through it, I stormed over and slapped it out of her hands. I didn't even flinch at the glare she gave me, how far we had come...
"If I hadn't have come along you would have been mistreated by the officers here and lonely as fuck. All you'd be able to think about was what happened to you a long time ago."
When she kept up that look for a while and said nothing to reply, I felt let down. My shoulders slumped followed closely by my head.
"Have I ever crossed your mind, even once...?"
There was no answer from her lips but she had unknowingly given me what I had suspected to hear tonight. And, I'm not going to lie. It shattered me.
"Wow" I commented to myself. "So Yuri was right then. Yuri was so fucking right this WHOLE time and tried to warn me but no! I said you couldn't be the way she described, I said I was getting through to you and you might actually like me but that was all wishful thinking wasn't it?" I couldn't control my emotions, when I had trashed my room I figured I had let all of them out but here they were overcoming me again.
"She was right...I was just being used by you so you could get laid. In the end, all I am is a toy to you."
"Hwang..." She frowned, maybe she looked a little sorry but I was past caring at this point.
"See, you can't even say my name. Is it that much of a burden for you to actually treat me as a person you enjoy the company of and not some random being that you've only ever seen once or twice in your life? You're unbelievable"
"Listen to me-" Taeyeon began to stand up from her bed as she listened but I pushed her right back again, looking down on her.
"No. You listen. I thought this argument was going to come up after I told you what I had to say but it's so unbelievable that it's happened now. But here, let me tell you what you want to know instead." She could tell I was pissed off, even more so than I had ever been and I suspected that that was the reason why she wasn't fighting me back.
"Bora, your new lawyer is in fact the girl I slept with a while ago. You know, the one who gave all the hickeys? That's right." I pointed to my neck just in case she had forgotten giving a fake triumphant smile.
"So you fucked her to get her to work with me? Nice."
Was she serious? Was she actually...?
"Oh my god how can you be so...? I'm so tired of this, of your mistreatment, of being used."
I turned to leave but just as I reached the door, I heard a scoff and her mumbling under her breath. My palm had been resting against the cool steel ready to open it up but almost immediately my fist clenched in anger.
"Okay you know what?" I stormed back over to her to see her head was bowed slightly.
"Since we're arguing now why don't I just come out with my big news? It'd be a great time for it right?" I waited until she looked up at me and then told her what I needed her to know.
"I've been offered a job."
Nothing.
"It's as a Sergeant, I'm getting promoted."
"So?" She finally commented, catching me off guard slightly. "What do you want, a medal? Well done Officer Hwang for being promoted to Sergeant Hwang in this shithole."
I scoffed at her assumption. "No, you see that's where you're wrong...
The job? It's in Busan." I paused to let that sink in, her eyes soon lowering in thought. Despite everything that had gone on tonight, I still found my own clouding over with tears. She had given so much ammunition for me to hate her, but through all of it...I still knew I loved her.
"If I leave... then I'd be leaving Seoul for good." Again, a pause but this time it was to wipe a sole tear that had escaped and to clear my throat.
"So if you're telling me to go now, just like the night in the kitchen, I will listen to you."
This was it. I had made my peace. Now it was truly all up to her. And even though she had hurt me tonight, I hate how I wouldn't think twice to run into her arms if she had said she wanted me to stay. I would give up that job for her if she asked me to, I would...I really would.
But she didn't.
Instead all she said was "So, that's it then" It was final, she had given up on me. Just like that...
All I could reply with was a shocked and defeated "Wow".
Taeyeon quickly took that the wrong way, just as she did everything else.
"What do you want from me? A congratulatory message? A hug and a kiss on the cheek to say good luck in your new job?"
I was done, it was over. "I just wanted to tell you firs-" I replied sadly.
"Why? Why does it matter what I think? Clearly from how you walked in here you had already made up your mind" She proceeded to quote me. "I want you to know that I am so glad I met you, really I mean it. And whatever happens from here on out...I'll always be there for you" she followed it with a dry chuckle. I would have fought back...but now I was to weak to even try
"I just want-"
"You want what, a farewell fuck?" She interrupted, pulling me roughly forwards towards her bed.
"Sure! Let's do it" As I looked on with sad eyes, she pulled off her vest and presented her naked torso to me before tugging off her trousers, leaving her only wearing panties. When she made a move to grab my belt, I stepped to the side out of her reach, turning my head to look away.
"Stop"
Taeyeon scoffed and took another step towards me, causing me to back up and meet the wall behind me. This time she achieved her goal by unclipping my work belt and throwing it out of reach.
"Come on, we haven't got all day. Surely you're in a rush to share celebration drinks with Kwon and Bora. Let's make this one to remember" I winced as she yanked at my tie, forcing my head to jolt forward and connect with her lips, something I would have loved to have shared with her previously...only this time I just wanted to get away.
"Stop!" I pushed her as hard as I could under the circumstances, making her stumble backwards and no doubt further angering her. When she dropped that fake smile she had on and I saw that maybe she too deep down was feeling something, I sighed and wished that the Taeyeon I had fallen for would just give me a moment to explain.
"What the fuck do you want then officer?"
"What I want is for you to calm down for a moment and let me talk!"
"Talk about what? There is literally nothing to talk about! You've already said the basics, it was nice to meet me? Ha!"
As I shook my head in defeat as well as utter disappointment in the way she was behaving I asked "Why are you acting this way?"
"I'm not acting any way"
"You want to know why I was dreading coming in here tonight?" I asked.
"It wasn't because I've already accepted the job and needed to tell you it was because of this, you turning into the person that I fucking hate."
This time, I'd intended for that piece of information to slip out.
"That's right, I've accepted the job Taeyeon. I can't do this anymore."
Her voice broke as she attempted to keep up the argument "Oh how sad, poor old Hwang can't handle getting fucked by a prisoner anymore. Does it finally make you feel dirty?"
Although I could see she had been affected by what I had said tonight, she was giving me no reason to stay. I regretted how reckless I had allowed my heart to be, offering itself to her. Right now, she needed to be put in her place.
"See this is why, can't you see that your anger is the cause of all the problems we have?" I shot at her, watching her drop her jaw.
"Are you serious?"
I stepped forward so I was no longer pinned to the wall and I rested my hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down.
"Listen to me...I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of feeling-" I was cut off when she shoved my hand from her body.
"Feeling what, remorse? Guilt? Oh I'm sorry shall I bow down and offer my sincere apologies?"
"-Feeling like I'm walking on eggshells every single moment I'm in your presence! You're like a bomb, one wrong move and you explode, hurting everyone in your path."
One mention of the word 'bomb' and her facade changed, she was somewhat broken down as she reminisced on her life with the one she really loved. I hadn't realized it at the time and wasn't looking as tears flooded her eyes. I carried on talking though, making it worse.
"Now I don't know whether it's because of your past or whether it's because you really fucking hate me but if I had to weigh out the two options, stay here with you or leave...I'm sorry but-"
"I never asked you to". It was almost a whisper as if she didn't want her tears to affect her voice but it was heard loud and clear.
"No, you didn't. You don't ask me anything, I'm the one who's always giving. I'm the one that goes out of my way to make you feel as good as you can in here, I'm the one who's putting all the effort into this relationship"
"What fucking relationship?"
Why didn't I just go? She had basically just told me there wasn't or never had been any relationship between us but still, I stayed and I have no idea why.
"You know what your problem is? You're so fucking closed off that you have no idea what the hell is happening around you. Look at you!" The tears began to flow freely down my face as my heart felt like it was being tightened, squeezed. It was hard to breathe because the only words that were willing to escape were the ones that would surely finish me off when she reacted negatively to them.
"Why are you so bothered?" She asked.
"Becau-" the emotions were spilling out.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm-" the words were on the tip of my tongue
"Why do you come into my room time and time again and try to get to know me if you know I'm a lost cause?"
"Let me ta-" they needed to come out.
"Why after all this are you still so keen to-?"
"Because I fucking love you Taeyeon!"
She stopped after that. We both did, our chests heaving and looking nowhere but each other. Although still angry, I lowered my voice to a whisper, my voice still shaking through my cries.
"Is that so hard to understand? Is it that unbelievable that I could fall in love with someone like you? Do you know what you've done to me? Don't you realize how much I've changed and stopped being so judgmental? So closed minded?"
Despite calming down slightly as the weight was finally lifted off of my chest, the scoff that came from her lips began to anger me yet again.
"Actually you know what...it is unbelievable. I understand exactly what you mean."
Hurtful, true. But she was pushing me too far, she didn't seem to understand that her moods didn't affect anybody as much as me because I was always the punching bag. And by the frown on her face now, it was only a matter of time before I became one again.
"So come on, are you going to tell me to get out, to fuck off and keep out of your life because all I'm waiting for is for you to say the words..." I needed to hear it, either she felt the same or she didn't and if not, I would walk away as promised.
"But, what about the case?" She asked before I let out a chuckle, I just told her I loved her and my expression was screaming insecurity and pain yet the only thing she wanted to know about was the case. Not being able to look at her right now, I turned my back on her, my head lowered while I walked to pick up my belt.
"Bora is going to take over, she'll come to meet with you a few days from now once you've given in your request form. I've also added her number to your call list. My voice was weak, a sign of me giving up the fight for the girl who always makes it one. I clipped on the belt and fixed my uniform, then moved to the door.
...
The room was engulfed in both silence and darkness now. The flashlight must have fallen from its position on the bed yet neither of us moved to fix it. It was almost comforting in a way, her eyes were always the first thing to show her anger or her hate and to not see them was a good thing.
As the silence continued though, I knew that I was going to be the one that had to say something.
"Taeyeon..." My heart began beating faster and faster, holding onto the hope that I was going to get a straight answer tonight. At the same time however, I felt it throb because I knew deep down that it wasn't going to be the one I wanted.
"Since you've gotten everything you could possibly want from me now, I need your answer."
"To what?" She replied, still barely above a whisper.
"I'm in love with you, I think about you constantly and I want to know whether you feel the same. Just give me some hope that all of this hasn't been for nothing. If it has..." It would kill me.
"If it has then please I beg you, tell me to leave because only then will I be able to move on."
More tears fell as I heard nothing to reply. At the time, I felt it was almost worse than her saying she didn't love me. But when I heard her say her next words, I'd never felt more crushed.
"I...I don't-"
Bang, it felt like a truck had hit me full speed.
"You don't." I repeated, nodding to myself as it echoed through my head. You never did.
"No I don't -I don't-" she acted as if she was struggling to say something though her words were so clear.
My head hung in absolute shame and humiliation. How long had this gone on, how long had my feelings and my heart taken beating after beating and for what? To release a girl I didn't even recognize anymore back into the world so she could get on with her life?
"Fine." I said back in the toughest voice I could muster but she wasn't a fool, she knew what she had done. "Then...I guess it's time for me to go." I sniffed as I turned and took my keys from my belt, my heart beating pathetically. I switched off my flashlight and made my way over to the door.
"Wait, I don't...I don't know what to say to you." She shouted to me, causing me to pause and look over my shoulder, imagining her in the darkness standing there alone. When I walked in, I allowed a moment to foolishly imagine her hugging me, kissing me telling me she loved me at this point. But this is the way it happened.
"You've said enough"
"Tiffany..." She cried.
"Goodbye Taeyeon, good luck with your trial and I hope you find everything you're looking for."
My voice was dead while I hesitated by that door just in case she called me back. That she would apologize for everything and I could forgive her for all she'd said.
But she didn't.
The finality as that door shut behind me was like a complete blow, I was empty and wasn't sure I could ever be whole again. I couldn't even cry, my feelings were completely diminished. As I fixed my belt and my collar once again to be presentable, I was unable to hear the soft whimper from behind the strong and thick metal door as I took one last glance before walking away.
"Don't go...please. Please don't leave me"
I walked down the familiar corridor finding it somehow sounded different. I guess hearing my footsteps echo down the usually noisy but now eerily quiet hall was always filled with happy feelings because I was either going to see her, or was coming from her room high in spirits. Now...it was just emptiness.
Despite everything, I still loved her but I really didn't have the energy to do that any longer. While I walked I felt shivers travel up and down my spine as I remembered her touch. I couldn't handle the way she touched me anymore and knowing now that she just wanted it to lead to fucking hurt incredibly. I desired her love, how special I would feel if I had heard those words but I guess I'm not the one for her. Jessica will always be the one, be it her alive, or dead.
Taeyeon's reaction earlier didn't necessarily surprise me but the emotion she showed did. Maybe I was wrong and she does, deep down at least like me...but then again, she didn't answer the question.
'I don't'
'Is that how you made us seem?'
'What relationship?'
All her words filled with hate for me when all I tried to do was my best to help. It was my fault for falling for her, true. But the fault of hers was leading me on like that, whether she knew she was doing so or not.
I was blinded by her, by the love I felt, by her touch...I was living in a fantasy world that was nothing like the reality. She doesn't love me. All she did was push me away.
If I could describe what happened today, I'd say it was like a river.
Through a river, the water flows at its own pace. Nothing can control the water's speed, the river's bank can only help it flow.
The rocks that reside in the stream can hurt if a living thing were to get thrust upon it, jagged and sharp...they would cause pain.
The river, it was life, the water - truth. Taeyeon was the rock and I was the living thing, thrown into the raging rapids and being hit over and over again on each rock Taeyeon had placed.
While the rocks inflicted pain, the water made me receive the cold truth. All that was left to do now was to keep traveling down that river until those rocks no longer affected me. It will take me where I needed to go in time.
I had no doubt in my mind that Taeyeon was feeling empty right now as she stood in that cell, knowing that I wouldn't be coming back but she was the one who pushed me away. If she's regretting it now, at least she could learn from her mistakes, learn that her words can affect someone greatly and that there comes a point where they won't be able to take any more abuse.
Maybe she can apply it to a future girlfriend...
After all, there's no hope now for her and I.