Chapter 2 – I didn't feel anything

I had received a long email from my aunt Gemma about 3 days after I had seen Jax. She explained that she was sorry she couldn't be there for me or explain anything in too much detail (never know who's reading the emails, you know?). She had sent me pictures of herself and her grandson, Abel. Honestly, I was shocked that Jax even had a baby but she told me he was a good father and that his girlfriend, Tara was an amazing mum. That made me smile.

There was also a picture of all the sons on anarchy posing by all of their bikes. I recognised her immediately; she hadn't changed much I noticed. I saw Jax stood with a tall man with a beard and long hair that she tells me was actually Harry Winston, although they all called him Opie now. He also had children and a new wife. Clay was there with his arms around Gemma and Jax. I saw the Scottish man, Chibs, sat on his bike with his hands knitted on the handlebars. I recognised Harry's dad, Piney but that was about it. All of the others were unfamiliar to me but I'm sure I must have known some of them from when I was a child.

She sent her love to me and told me that she missed me; she was hoping to come and visit herself at some point since I wasn't going to them, which she scolded me for. I could almost feel the heat of her stare coming through the screen at me. Gemma said that she hoped I did well in my studies and stayed safe, 'make sure you keep a weapon with you at all times.' She had written.

I had saved the story into my email account. Gemma was one of the best things about my childhood; she was always so no nonsense but kind and loving. I was excited about the prospect of her coming to visit me in the school. I knew she would love the décor and how fancy everything was.

The rest of the week went by in a blur. I tried to act tough but inside I was scared. They didn't tell me who it was that was supposedly after me but I knew it must have been bad to get three of them across the ocean to tell me. I tried to concentrate on my lessons but it just wasn't happening. On the Friday, I started to feel dizzy and shaky in my accounting lecture. It felt as if the whole room was spinning. I couldn't focus on the screen of my laptop to sort out the numbers on the program.

I raised my hand in the middle of the lecturer's speech; squinting my eyes in the bright day light that was coming through the big windows at the end of the room. I had to hold on to the edge of my desk to stop myself from falling from my chair.

"Yes, Emilia?" she asked me, sounding concerned.

"I'm sorry Madam," I said shakily, "may I go to the nurse's office? I'm not feeling very well."

"Of course, I will email you the rest of the lesson. Make sure you get some rest."

I nodded and packed my bag before slowly walking down the steps of the lecture hall. As I made my way down the hallways to my dorm I cursed my stupid shoes but refused to walk down the floors barefoot; I'd rather not get foot fungus from the dirty carpets, thank you very much.

Unlocking my dormitory was a tricky task. After about 15 minutes of struggling I was able to open it and went in to find Anya sat on my bed.

"You didn't hear me trying to open the door?" I asked her in English, my brain was far to fucked to even attempt another language.

"I didn't know it was you," she shrugged and flipped the page on her magazine before looking up at me, "you look like shit."

I breathed out a laugh, "Thanks."

Anya stood up and took my bag out of my hand. She handed me my nightshirt and pushed me towards my ensuite bathroom. I wasn't shocked to see her sat in my room when I was out; she came to use my shower since it was attached to my bedroom while she had to use the common showers.

I struggled to unbutton my shirt and unzip my skirt to pull it off as quickly as I could. Yeah, I know it looked sexy but Jesus was it uncomfortable to wear. Once I was comfy I went back out and chased her off my bed, explaining to her that I wasn't well and needed to lie down.

"You need to tell me about those people though, Emilia."

"I will, I just need to lie down."

As soon as my head hit my pillow, I started to feel slightly better. I launched into my tragic back story and Anya never interrupted, she just listened to me in silence. I was worried she judged me but that wasn't the case. By the time I had finished my story I was tired. Anya had lay down beside me and was hugging me in the spooning position. She only asked why I hadn't told her sooner.

"I didn't want anyone to know I was related to them," I said, my voice thick with sleep.

I felt bad about that now, I thought, ever since reading and then rereading the email Aunt Gemma had sent me.

I had drifted off to sleep very slowly.

I woke up to suddenly. I jolted upright and saw in the dim evening light a black clad man in my room but that wasn't what I was looking at. Stood in front of him was my best friend with a hand over her mouth, to muffle her voice; and a knife to her throat. My eyes were wide and I let out a soft 'no'. She reached her hand out to me. She was trembling and so was I.

It wasn't until I moved to stand up that the man spoke in a low voice.

"Don't fucking move," he said angrily, "you move, she dies."

He had an American accent, it sounded southern. I froze in place as Jax's warning came back to me. There were people after me and here they were. Gun shots and shouting echoed around the dorms halls and I gasped, flinching away from the noise. Anya did the same which made the man jump. I don't know what happened but he had dragged the knife quickly across my best friend's throat.

I watched it in slow motion; hot blood sprayed out of her neck and went all over me and my bedroom. I took in a breath and screamed louder than I ever thought possible. I lunged forwards to catch her as the man threw her on the bed. I tried desperately to stop the bleeding, to save her life with the edge of my t-shirt, my blanket… anything I could get my hands on but blood soaked through everything I put against her neck. It didn't happen like it did in the films. She was dying quickly with blood spilling out of her mouth as she tried to speak. She had no dying words, no deathbed confessions, just gurgling. She couldn't even move her hand to me, it just lay twitching by her side.

Her blonde hair was now red. My hands were covered in the thick red substance.

More gunshots rang out in my bedroom and I felt more stuff hit me, more blood and what I assumed was brain and it bits of bone, but I didn't care. My focus was only in her. There was more shouting and suddenly hands grabbing me, trying hard to grip onto my arms that were now slick. I fought them. I attacked them and the person that was trying to pull me away from her.

I will never forget the fear in her eyes as she looked up at me in her last seconds of living.

"We need to go, Jacky Boy!"

More gunshots.

"I'm trying!"

More hands pulled me away.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed to her as I got pulled out of the door, it was like she was watching me with dead eyes and an expression of fear frozen on her face.

Outside the halls were more bodies dressed in black with leather vests on; more blood scattered the walls and doors of my neighbours. I stopped fighting. For the first time in my life, I had no fight left in me and allowed myself to be picked up and carried away. Strong arms threw me over their shoulder. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was a couple of people dressed in the full school uniform lying dead on the carpet with their eyes closed and holes in the back of their heads. I couldn't take anymore. My brain shut off and I fainted.

Chibs hopped into the back of the black van that waited outside for them. He gently placed the girl down on the carpeted floor. Jax came in after him, shooting some more bullets through the open doors at the other men as the van sped away.

She was covered in blood and brain matter. He tried to clean some off of her face with a rag that was in the back but that quickly became soaked to.

"That could have gone better," he said when Jax slammed the back doors shut.

They braced themselves against the side as the van sped around a corner. Jax removed his balaclava and shed the vest of his enemy. Chibs did the same, straightening out then ruffing his hair about. They put their SOA cuttes back on and sat back.

"That was really upsetting," Jax stated as he looked over his passed out cousin/stepsister, "she's probably never seen that much blood in her life."

"We warned her," Clay sighed from where he sat in the back corner of the van, "we told her something like this would happen."

"Her friend died, Clay."

There was silence after that. Each man was in their own thoughts.

I was in a dark room. There were people, men, talking. I opened my eyes to see a sliver of light above my head showing the night sky.

"Vivania?"

I looked to my left and in the dim light I saw Jax. I was safe, was my first thought; Anya died in my arms, was my next one. I raised my hands and saw that they were covered in streaks of dark swipes, blood although it looked like someone had tried to clean it up. My shirt was crusted with dried blood too. I felt like I should be crying but it was like I didn't feel anything. I sat up slowly.

"Careful, V," Jax said quietly and put his hand on my shoulder, "are you ok?"

Even in the dark of the room, a van I noticed, I could see the concern in his eyes. I shook my head stiffly. I crawled over to him and we sat like we did when I was little; with his arm over my shoulders and my head on his shoulder.

The sound of a lighter flicking and a flame came up from the other side of where I had been lying. Chibs, I recognised. In the brief flicker of light I saw that he was looking at me but when he saw me watching him, he cast his eyes down.

"You killed all of those people," I said, not to him necessarily but to Jax and Clay too, "you killed them all."

"The others killed the children," Chibs said solemnly, "we don't kill kids."

I nodded.

"Anya is dead."

Nobody said anything. I looked down at my hands again.

"I was going to be something," I repeated my words from the last time I saw them, I could hear the defeat in my voice but I didn't feel strong enough to try; "I was going to be important and go places. I was going to mean something to someone."

Again nobody said anything; Jax just sighed gently and wrapped his arm tighter around my shoulders, bringing the other one up to meet it. I let myself fall into him, like I did all those years ago.

"It was dark then too," I said to him and felt him nod, "do you remember?"

"Yeah. I remember."

"I shouted for you," I said shakily, directing it at Clay, "When I was taken away. You just stood there. You didn't do anything."

I let out a bitter laugh.

"I used to threaten him with you, you know. I used to say 'if you hurt me again then my dad and his friends are going to come and kill you.' he didn't believe me, obviously but I never stopped believing until I was put in hospital. Mum sent you the pictures and you never responded. That's when I knew you were never coming for me."

"Pumpkin-"

"Don't call me pumpkin."

I felt my mind drift away into another world where the last week hadn't happened.

I was woken up some time later. The van had stopped moving and it was light outside. "Come on lass," Chibs was saying in a patronising voice, like he was talking to a child, "it's chow time."

I opened my eyes and fixed them on him. He was squatting beside me and holding a hoodie in his free hand while the other one was on my thigh, shaking it gently to get me to wake up. His hand was warm and rough against my skin but it felt… comforting.

"Come on," he said again, "we're on the ferry. We're nearly home."

I didn't even know where home was for me anymore. I nodded and stood up. I didn't have to stoop to stand in the van but he was hunched over in an uncomfortable looking position. Before I got out of the van he stopped me by holding my arm. I looked back at him.

"Put this on, some people aren't used to seeing half naked girls covered in blood. You might scare some folks."

He handed me the jumper he was holding. I realised for the first time I was still in my night shirt that covered everything I needed it too but I definitely wouldn't wear it out. I felt myself blush. I looked away as I put on the jumper. It was huge on me; more like a dress.

"You look ridiculous," he said with a smile.

"So do you." I said back, looking at him stooping over like an old man.

Suddenly, someone was knocking on the door and I jumped.

"Come on kids," I heard Clay say from outside, "we need food."

The doors opened to reveal Clay, Jax and another man I hadn't met before, but I recognised him from the photo that Aunt Gemma sent me. He must have been driving, I realised. I crossed my arms over myself; trying to shield myself from this strange man. Clay held out his hand to help me out of the van but I just hopped out, my bare feet hitting the polished wooden floors of the boat. Chibs jumped out behind me as I looked out to the ocean with the sea breeze flowing through my hair. The water was so blue, it was amazing.

"I'm Happy," the other man said with his hand outstretched.

"That's nice." I said with a raised eyebrow and shook his hand.

What did I care how he was feeling?

"No!" he laughed obviously realising my confusion, "my name is Happy Lowman."

"Oh okay. When we get to California will I meet the other dwarves and Snow White?"

He laughed and I laughed with him. He looked intimidating, just like the other men did, but when he smiled his entire demeanour changed.

Clay held out what looked like a credit card. I looked at it confused until he told me that I should probably go and buy some proper clothes. I hesitantly took it. I was conflicted between not wanting to owe him anything and wanting to get out of my blood crusted pyjamas.

"Go with her, Jax," Clay said as he patted him on the shoulder, "Make sure she doesn't spend too much."

I raised my eyebrow at Jax and he smiled.

Its 3am and I'm crying – I was going to leave this chapter when they were still travelling in the van but I couldn't leave it on such a sad note. I had to put a bit of fluffy, happy (ha! get it?) stuff in there for the sake of my own mental health if nothing else. I just want everyone to be happy, ok?

I cried so much writing this. I felt bad for killing off Anya so soon, just call me George R R Martin.

I'm hoping to make all the chapters about this length.

This story is consuming me and I hope you're all with me for the long haul.

Lots of love,

Doe xx