What she did indelibly etched itself into my mind, residing there for days. Even after a week, each morning I'd stop to just look at it like a lost soul, my memories flooding back in a tidal wave. It could have been five seconds, or five minutes - it didn't matter. However long I spent staring I always felt that same ache, that yearn that I knew was hazardous to my recovering being.
I'd try to walk past now and again but it was almost as if it had secured itself into my routine, like making coffee for example. Each time I found myself in front of it I'd find something else to focus on, her drawing skills being simply impeccable. I'd think how such talent could potentially have started off simply as a way to escape the sounds of steel doors slamming, mentally insane inmates screeching and the sounds of keys jangling in the locks...only to be turned into such an art form over years of practice.
What eventually would tear me away from the picture was either my running late or audibly growling stomach. No time to sit down and eat on this particular day, I grabbed whatever was left in the fruit bowl and headed out, almost forgetting my keys in the process. It's as if as soon as I received that package, her eyes were on me constantly. I tripped up, I became nervous for no reason, I dropped things I forgot the essentials. It's like she was here.
Ever since she had reached out to me, my heart seemed to will me to get back into contact with her. It didn't seem to realize that the pain it went through last time was because of that same girl and I was forever hoping it would. I mean, she had hurt me somany times, over and over again but I still saw the perfection in her. Her imperfections however, were the things that inflicted those wounds. But my heart persevered, it still would beat for her, it would skip a beat for her...it did everything imaginable with her in mind.
It was clear in my weakened state that if I were to encounter her again, it would be hard not to resist her. To see her...to have her with me again would be something else but could I honestly say that all the tears shed for that girl were worth it? Even if she were to somehow prove that she wouldn't hurt me again...how could I believe that? Her drawing simply wasn't enough to translate how she feels, which is why it proves nothing.
Oh but how I wished I could forgive and forget. Move on. To be honest though, once I received that package...forgiveness seemed a lot easier than it had been before. Maybe it was the thought of her using her spare time that otherwise would be filled with reading new books from the library to actually sit down and sketch me. The image of her brows furrowing in thought as she tried to remember every detail of my face. I even found myself thinking of her smiling at the finished product, knowing she'd captured my image perfectly. How perhaps she may have wanted to keep it for herself...
Yes, those thoughts made it hard for me to concentrate sometimes. As I took my morning stroll around the facility, even the noises of the inmates wasn't enough to to quell them. That was until:
"Sergeant."
I turned my head to the direction the voice had come from, and was quite surprised to see my boss strutting towards me. I stopped at once and bowed in respect, greeting her politely afterwards as she came to a stop before me.
"Good morning, what are your duties today?" She asked, then motioned for me to continue walking, matching my pace.
"I- I'm required to oversee the inmates for their morning recreation period, then review any incident reports and make sure the staff members turn in their required reports on time. After that I-"
"That's quite alright Sergeant, thank you." She smiled as she cut off my rambling, perhaps acknowledging my eagerness to please and pitying my attempts.
We walked in silence for a while, her eyes in front while mine tried to subtly sneak glances at her wondering what she could be thinking. A moment later, she answered my thoughts.
"I'm impressed, you seem to be very focused. Very well suited here." She nodded, effectively making my cheeks burn from the compliment as well as the confidence wafting off of her. The height difference also added to that blush, making me feel positively inferior to her.
"Thank you," I chuckled nervously, again bowing her way.
Her eyes twinkled as she looked down at me, the friendly smile still plastered on her face. "I hope you don't mind me walking with you, I've been quite busy already today and feel I need to take my mind off some things with a nice stroll."
You and me both. "No of course I don't mind" I replied. At least her company was allowing my mind to focus elsewhere and not on the little inmate in Seoul. Although...I still wasn't fully thinking about work because now my boss filled my thoughts instead. I wanted to please her, wanted to make her not regret hiring me.
As we stepped into the prison grounds, I watched on as some of the inmates who noticed her presence quickly bowed their heads towards her while some changed their direction of walking entirely.
I didn't know a lot about my boss, just that she was polite, friendly and had an incredibly youthful face. But she also had an aura, a certain something about her that would make people rethink their first impression. All may be not what it seemed with her and that's what made me wary, wanting to stay on her good side.
And looking at the inmates' reaction, they seemed to be trying out this method too.
"Are you enjoying your time here?" She asked suddenly, putting me under pressure once again in hopes to deliver a satisfactory answer.
"I am" I replied. "The facilities are incredible, everybody is so welcoming and it feels great to have had the chance to take on this job."
I noticed her looking at me while I answered and then nod her head before refocusing on what was in front of her, allowing me to exhale a small breath.
"I'm glad. We received quite a few applicants for your job believe it or not. While some were under qualified, some were reasonably suited to the job. And then came the interview process..." She chuckled gently.
"Well, let's just say that a lot of the applicants weren't entirely knowledgable on what the job would entail, as well as the fact some were nervous and stuttering messes. Something that would be no good here."
"I can imagine."
"And then we got into contact with you. Even though you didn't have a formal interview, what you told us on the phone as well as your experience, knowledge and confidence in both your work and demeanor was all we needed to hear." I beamed with pride at her words. "Of course your references from previous jobs helped you secure the position too."
Nodding while maintaining eye contact with her, I shot her a grin and replied: "Well I'm so grateful for you to take a chance on me like that. I really appreciate it and I hope I can continue to do a good job here."
It was only a little while afterwards that she bid me goodbye, telling me that her work wasn't going to do itself and that she'd better get on top of it.
I watched as she left, strutting to the doors in her professional wear and causing inmates in her path to quickly move away. She was a mystery for sure...just like someone else I knew. But maybe a little less intense.
The days passed - same routine, same subtle ache. I hadn't heard anything about Taeyeon's case, how the meeting went between her and her friend and kid. I of course was curious, who wouldn't be? I didn't know whether the woman had changed her mind about helping Taeyeon, or whether she had witnessed her former friend in handcuffs and immediately asked to retract her previous statement against her. Everything was a mystery and although I desired the information, I also respected the fact Bora was a busy woman and would contact me when she had time.
Now sitting down at my dining room table, the thoughts of what could have happened began to spiral around in my head, making the desire to know almost too much to bear. Minutes passed and all I did was stare at my phone, wondering if I should call Bora now...get it over with. I glanced at the clock, coming to the conclusion that at this time Bora would definitely have finished work.
My phone tapped lightly against the table as I began to wonder how I could go about ringing her. I didn't want to seem too eager knowing Bora would find a way to tease me about it. I guess, to cover my nosey ways I could make it seem as if I'm just calling to see how she is, and then slowly lead into the subject of a Kim Taeyeon...
But then on second thought I'd most probably give it away as soon as I said 'Hello'. There was a chance she could get offended due to the fact my call would only be to find out about Taeyeon. Of course I didn't want that so, a short text was the answer.
Once I'd completed the arduous task of thinking of what to say and figuring a simple 'Hi' would suffice, I put down my phone and waited for the alert.
I didn't have to wait long.
An excited grin erupted on my face as soon as I saw it and wasted no time in opening up the message...
'Hi? Really?'
Surely she couldn't have seen through that...I only typed one word after all.
With a perplexed frown, I leaned back into the chair and decided to wait thinking that maybe her reply had been cut off somehow and the rest of the text would come in a few moments. Unfortunately nothing of that sort happened. I sat there a while, twiddling my thumbs while wondering what to do. I then realized that I needed to get a grip, nervousness was never the answer and I didn't need to feel it in the presence of a friend. It was ridiculous.
Finally deciding to bite the bullet, I proceeded to ring her, sticking with my previous 'Hi, how are you?' idea.
"Okay so that did make me laugh." She said once the call connected, not even giving me time to ease myself into the the conversation.
"Huh?" I replied, trying my best to sound coy.
"You can't honestly think that I don't know the reason why you're calling?" She laughed while I rolled my eyes to respond. "I figured I'd let you simmer a while. I knew that you'd be pissed at me for giving the inmate your address."
"I wasn't pissed," I muttered back, feeling my stomach tighten from just the mention of Taeyeon. "Just...surprised that's all."
"Yeah, sure. Anyway, whatever it was, it better have been worth it. That could have gotten me into serious trouble you know. You're lucky people in my line of work aren't really suspected at that place."
I couldn't say anything to that other than a 'thank you', she really had risked herself there for my benefit. She didn't have to accept that package from Taeyeon, but she did. I wondered what would have happened if she had refused, would Taeyeon have risked sending it through the prison system? She'd of course know that it was incredibly risky as mail is sorted through both going in and out the premises. If an officer on duty recognized both my name and my picture, the information would most definitely have been passed onto Nichkhun where things would have only gotten worse..
"You're welcome but don't ask me to send anything back, alright? There's no way I'd be able to get past security coming in with a package because of the pat downs they do." I nodded, knowing that it would be close to impossible for her to get away with something that size entering the premises. The guards there are very thorough, they do their jobs well but funnily enough don't seem to feel the need to search anyone going out of the building. Especially like Bora said, people that aren't deemed suspicious due to their line of work.
I shook my head as I answered. " I don't have anything to send back."
I didn't want to send anything back. What could I say - Thank you for the drawing but I don't wish to receive anything else from you due to the momentary joy and then following pain it gives me? Uh...no.
"Well it's good to hear you say that". Bora answered with somewhat of an underlying tone in her voice. "Because...there's something else coming for you too."
I frowned, standing up from the table and wincing slightly as the chair scraped noisily against the floor. "What do you mean? What else?"
Bora laughed as she witnessed the eagerness in my voice, as well as the not so subtle suspicion. "All in good time, Miss Hwang. All in good time."
Then the line went dead.
Every single one of the feelings that had previously rendered me into a nervous mess of a woman when I received the package, were only amplified when I realized this time it was a letter. A handwritten letter by none other than Kim Taeyeon. I could tell by the handwriting that it was hers, and it only matched Bora's statement that I'd probably be receiving something soon.
I held it in my hands as I read the only thing written on the front of the envelope; my address. My name wasn't written, a sure sign that this hadn't travelled through Bora's hands this time. That was also what told me it was a letter and that Taeyeon was being cautious by not using my name.
I imagined what it could contain: details on the court case...perhaps what is going on at the prison, her feelings-
I shook my head. No.
Ever since her package, I'd had time to think about all that was happening and it came to the point where I was angry with her. I was angry that she could be so careless with what she was doing.
I didn't know what she was up to, getting into contact with me like this after everything that went down. Her reaching out was a nice gesture of course but it was also very cruel. She knew how I felt about her and for some reason, regardless of what is written in that letter she felt the need to find a way back into my life months after I left her. It was undoubtedly cruel, whether she knew so or not.
Every hurtful comment that she'd thrown at me had been forgotten as soon I had received that drawing... but I then realised that those things shouldn't be swept under the rug so easily. Taeyeon had been someone I thought a lot about as soon as I'd finished my shifts in Seoul prison, everything she had said that day was ingrained in my head until I went to sleep. Do you realize how difficult it is to think about anything else other than that girl? Whether her comments towards me were pleasant or hurtful, both spiraled around my head each night.
How hard it is having someone you've fallen for tell you that they don't care if you leave due to the fact you've only ever 'fucked or argued' is also something pretty intense to have to think about, especially when you know it was one of their last comments to you before you left them behind permanently. Especially when you risked so much to be with her, to stick up for her and be there for her when times got tough. Why should she be so easily forgiven? She hadn't apologized. Sure, maybe that drawing was her way of doing it but I was somebody who needed closure in something like that. I needed for her to say the words and...I don't think I'd ever get that.
I took a deep breath in, and then released it a few seconds later. I looked down at the envelope, wondering once again what it contained. Taeyeon wasn't somebody to talk about what she was thinking. Imagining her writing down what months of silence she had given me meant...it was safe to say I was conflicted. With eyes glued to the paper...my heart beating just above average, I thought.
Until, it calmed. I calmed.
My twinkling eyes lost their shine even though they continued to focus on what she had given. My tense shoulders slumped, my furrowed brows relaxing.
What real reason was there for me to read this? I had already cried over her, my heart had already broken. Opening this would only cause more pain to come rushing back to the surface and although my curiosity was almost overbearing, I knew better than to do that to myself again.
Glancing back up, I found my feet soon carried me to where I needed to be. I kneeled, the letter still in hand as my arm outstretched, my eyes reflecting the flickering orange flames. With a blank expression on my face, all thoughts dissipated as I released my grip and watched the fire engulf it.
Well...at least that's what I planned to do. Unfortunately, my fingers somehow developed a mind of their own and completely refused my attempts to drop the envelope. I was holding it so tight, as if both holding onto it for dear life and fighting the urge to pull it to safety.
Something was telling me that this wasn't the right thing to do. Although my mind had already been made up, that something was so strong that I reluctantly listened.
Slowly but surely, I brought my hand back and raised it to eye-level despite the fact my sight was slightly impaired from the tears that had since accumulated there.
A frown etched it's way between my brows as I stared at it in both sadness and anger. Anger because of how weak I really was, sadness because of what this letter could perhaps contain. Leaning back on my knees, I placed the letter onto the ground and saw how it was no longer perfect due to the noticeable crumple in the centre from where I had held it so tightly.
My brain was engulfed in thoughts, scenarios and feelings and all I wanted to do was scream. But amidst the overbearingness of all those things, I somehow managed to get to my feet and go over to the bookcase that resided in the corner of the living room. Almost zombie-like, I grabbed the book I knew was there and opened it roughly half way in. Depositing the envelope inside, I then replaced the book on the shelf before standing back and looking in that same direction.
'Speak' - the book that helped to start whatever Taeyeon and I had together.
Although I didn't want the letter, it was clear that for whatever reason, it was necessary that I kept it. I wouldn't forget it was there because from this day forth, yet another thing had been added into my morning routine. Even if it were a glance, I would alwaysbe aware of that envelope tucked into that book. It was only added torture. It was like, she was slowly taking over my life despite being a couple of hundred miles away.
But I had to try to get on with things. If I didn't, it would only consume me and everything I've worked hard for.
Weeks passed, and I felt good; improving. I had surrounded myself with the positive things, trying my best to forget the negatives. Although the first few days were tough and all I wanted was to rip open that envelope due to the sheer curiosity of what it contained, I didn't cave.
As it got easier and the days where I glanced to the bookcase (originally only there for show) got fewer, I felt so much more confident about myself.
It was something so minimal but felt like a big chapter in my life. Unlike the previous Tiffany who had been desperate to know everything and anything about that inmate and stooped to many lows to ensure she got that information, I was now somebody who could resist the temptation with a little time.
What I was doing now was almost like rebelling against her, not succumbing to her ways and melting into her embrace like I had so many times before. I was becoming my own person again. It felt good, great even.
My work days got harder as my heart got stronger. More and more inmates entered the gates to their new home and acted up, perhaps in uproar of being in such a secure place compared to their last. Due to the CO's that had only recently been hired, myself and other sergeants were required to step in and give them a hand with any particular rowdy prisoners. In the past few days I'd been spat at, stepped on and stared at in various perverse ways...
As soon as I arrived home from this particular day, all I wanted to do was collapse on the sofa and not move for the rest of the evening. I found it amazing how I felt after a day shift in Busan prison was comparable to staying up all night in Seoul prison. But I liked it. I liked feeling that I did a good job and that all of my energy had been put into my work day.
Unfortunately due to it being another extremely busy shift, I hadn't got the chance to eat. My lunch break had been interrupted after only two bites into an apple with news of a male inmate attacking a counsellor. The sofa would have to wait, for my growling stomach was more important at this point. It was probably eating itself in there.
In the midst of cooking a hearty meal, I groaned when the phone began to ring. I was one of those people that had to keep an eye on their food constantly or something would be sure to mess up. I wasn't that good of a cook start with, let alone have the confidence to focus on something else entirely.
I considered leaving it to go through to the answer machine...but then thought perhaps it could be Bora or Yuri. Eager to hear from the two of them after so long, I ran to get the phone and then quickly returned to the kitchen, pleased that nothing had gone wrong in those six seconds I had been gone.
"Hello?" I asked after answering, holding the phone to my ear by using my shoulder while I crouched down to take the tray from the oven.
"An inmate from Seoul prison is attempting to contact you. To accept the call, please press one."
I hadn't realized that I had stopped what I was doing until the heat of the tray burned through the cloth meant to shield my hands. I yelped as I dropped it, part of my dinner now splattered over the floor before rushing over to the sink and dousing my fingers in cold water.
Now wincing in pain, I came back to earth and remembered what was happening. It was as if all confidence had been taken from me, the sheer shock of her being on the other end of the line hit me hard.
I found reacting to the sudden call difficult, let alone being able to get my thoughts together and actually answer it.
I didn't know how long I had until it disconnected but I genuinely considered leaving it. Knowing that the inmates got only one chance to call each day, there'd be no danger of her trying to phone again tonight. There was the possibility of her leaving a message however and the problem with that was that I would have to listen to it before I could delete it. I could potentially hear what it was her letter had said and even though I had gained strength over the last few weeks, just the sound of her voice would probably be enough to put me right back to where I started. After that, it would be impossible to erase her voice from my mind like I had been trying so hard to do. Her succulent tone would swim around in my ears, almost as if taunting me to how easily she could mess with me.
Once the pain in my hands had subsided, I quickly dried them off and took the phone, looking down at the 'unknown number' as well as the button that was required. I then realised that there was another option, to end the call before it started. There wouldn't be the choice to leave a message, it would be like what I had done to her letter - ending it before it could begin...
My palms were sweaty and my fingers threatened to crush the phone in their vice like grip as I waited. Just press the button Tiffany, stop being so goddamn pathetic. I could end it, Taeyeon would realize that due to the lack of reply to her letter and the firmness of rejecting her call...she'd know not to bother me. I'd go back to how I'd been improving, only a little knock in memory that I had almost been tempted by her again. Just a slight nudge that I could right, not a full on shove back into her world.
With a nervous exhale, I positioned my thumb over the 'end call' button, and then watched as it hovered over to the 'answer' option. Back and forth back and forth...like the angel and demon on my shoulders.
Answer and you can have closure. You can ask about her case and then tell her that you do not wish for her to contact you again.
Decline and you will always have a small hole in your heart, however hard you may try to close it...it will always be there. You will forever wonder what it was that she wanted to say but you'll feel better rejecting her now than you will in the long run.
Back and forth, back and forth...my eyes closed of their own accord, preparing me for what could come as a result of allowing her to contact me. This was all too soon, too much for me to handle. The drawing, the letter, a phonecall...what was next to come?
Despite my conflicting emotions, I knew deep down that this wasn't going to go away. The damage had already been done and although hearing her voice and what she has to say would be pure torture, the fact that she could potentially try again and again to contact me over the next few days was something I knew would send me back into that nervous wreck stage.
Another deep breath...
I waited, my free hand supporting my weight by holding onto the counter for dear life while the numbing feeling spreading throughout my body was trying its best to get to me. Time passed slowly by, hearing nothing not even a whisper until the call suddenly connected.
My ability to breathe normally became compromised, forced into ragged bursts as if I had just run ten miles.
Why?
Because I could hear her doing the same thing.
Tingles spread over every inch of my skin as I attempted to hold my breath, it being too loud to hear her properly but I couldn't. My heart was pounding, my head spinning. She was there and just that fact itself caused a tear to fall. Kim Taeyeon was contacting me, she was reaching out to me and was evil for doing so yet all I could do was attempt to talk but fail each time.
The intensity of just hearing her breathing was incredible. Every cell in my body began to yearn for the person who had once caressed them, kissed them...even though she had caused them such grief they still wanted her touch, her acknowledgement.
My vocal chords were paralyzed, mocking me by only allowing small croaks to come through my mouth instead. Time and time again I tried to speak but there was nothing I could say.
"Tiffany...?"
Just like all those times before, my breath caught in my throat but this time I was in danger of suffocating. I couldn't do this, I couldn't feel my heart beat for her this way again, It was too painful...too hard to take. As I listened and tried to hold back my sobs, I contemplated ending the call. I shouldn't have let it get this far in the first place, I should have ended it before it began.
Bora could continue her work with her alone, she wouldn't inform me of any court dates or news regarding Taeyeon, she and I could become distant memories to eachother. The pain would lessen over the years until it was only a mere pinch and I would leave my emotions for her behind.
"I uh..." She hesitated, not knowing what to say. "Well, this is more awkward than I thought."
I couldn't see her face, but she was close enough that every nerve was screaming, heart aching with longing and with fear. Why are you doing this to me again? Why?
When I didn't answer her a second time, it clearly started to affect the atmosphere because she cleared her throat uncomfortably.
And then she did it again, feigning it as a cough but I knew she was just trying to get me to speak up. The silence that ensued after that was painful yet I didn't want it to end. It was indeed a whole lot more comfortable than having to listen to her voice again. Unfortunately though, she tried a third time.
"Uh... " she chuckled awkwardly. I held in a sigh as I rested my forehead against the coolness of the wall, my eyes closing of their own accord. Dinner on the stove was long forgotten, it would only be burnt by the time I would try to save it anyway.
"Do you want me to call another time or-?"
"No."
I didn't quite know where that had come from. Every ounce of my being was screaming at me to stop getting drawn in by the inmate who once ruined me yet here I was holding on to her every word, her every breath.
Just a moment ago I had wished for pure silence over her words but again...I couldn't quite manage to press that button.
"There you are."
A shiver, a current...feelings I couldn't even begin to imagine flowed through me as I fought back the urge to bang my head against the wall, all for allowing myself to sink to this point again.
Miraculously I managed a 'Hi' as I exhaled, the noise making me cringe inside until her soft laugh filled my ear. As I waited for her to speak again, I slid my hand through my hair and squeezed tight, hoping the pain inflicted would be enough to snap myself out of the dangerous daze I was in.
"Did I call at a bad time?"
"No." I answered, the tremor in my voice clear as day. It was obvious that Taeyeon wanted me to continue so I tried my upmost in giving her her wish. "I'm cooking but...no. It's fine."
Cooking? Ha! I'd be lucky if I had charcoal to eat tonight at the rate this conversation was going.
"Ah," I pictured her pairing that with a nod as she chuckled nervously. "So... uh..."
"It was beautiful" I blurted out, catching her by surprise no doubt. "The drawing, I mean. Thank you." What was I even thanking her for? I had been quite content in learning to overcome everything Taeyeon had done. That drawing started everythingelse that happened afterwards.
"You're welcome." Her voice was so deep and husky, whether she was putting it on for the sake of it or whether she was perhaps sick I wasn't sure of. Whatever it was, it wasn't helping my state.
"How long did it take?" My toes curled as I listened to her breathing, imagining what it would feel like against my skin-
NO. Stop this now before it's too late.
"The drawing? It took a while."
Her answer made me sigh, either in sadness or contentment, which one I couldn't quite be certain of. My thoughts, my emotions were jumbled so badly that I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore.
"Thank you." I mumbled again, repeating myself.
She chuckled, the vibrations somehow traveling through the the phone making it seem as if she was right next to me. Closing my eyes again allowed my mind to further believe it, like some sort of a hallucination.
Silence took over us, both not knowing what to say next. I heard her clearing her throat numerous times, a few sighs also. The slightly unpleasant nature of the absence of her voice as well as her eagerness to talk with me was met with feelings of anxiety on my side. The pressure to speak was great, but knowing what to say was the problem.
What could I say... I missed you? Even though you hurt me, I haven't been able to erase you like I wished I could? What on earth could I say to the girl that once again held my heart in her grasp, squeezing every once in a while as if to remind me that she had that sort of power over my body. It was so hard trying to resist her, I could even say that there was no use in doing it.
Deep down I knew that however hard I tried to erase who Taeyeon is, what she did and how I felt...it would always be futile because as long as she was in the same world as I, there was no way such a thing could happen.
But I would try. I'd try for as long as I possibly could. I had to.
"Taeyeon."
I had to know something.
There wasn't an answer from her side. Maybe it was because she noticed the emotion in my voice, the exhaustion. Talking to her was an arduous task.
My eyes clenched shut, squeezing out what I hoped to be the last remnants of my tears as I slid down the wall, my legs buckling under the sheer pressure of everything.
"Taeyeon." I repeated, my voice breaking. "Why did you call?"
Why feel the need to do this to me now...?
A beat. She wasn't entirely sure herself.
"I...I wanted- I just thought..."
What, what did you think?
What the old, dependent Tiffany longed for her to say was that she called to hear my voice, she wanted to know that I was doing okay. She wanted to know how I was getting on in my new job, whether I'd made friends..if my career now was what I'd always hoped it would be.
"I don't know what I thought." She finally said, allowing disappointment to settle in. After all this time she was still holding back and only now did I feel the need to glance at that bookcase. The letter.
I had tried to give up on her. I tried and tried and tried. It wasn't possible.
Over months of separation, why was it so hard to do?
Taeyeon and I never had a normal relationship. We didn't first lay our eyes on one another and fall in love right there and then. There was curiosity...from both our parts. But as we got to know eachother, our relationship deepened. There were happy times, there were sad and desperate times. There were eye opening times, then there were utterly depressing times.
We didn't build a romantic relationship like the standard couple. We took advantage of both our positions, our lust and we started something we shouldn't have. It was evident that however it ended, somebody would get hurt. But back then we didn't think of the future, we were only focused on the incredible feelings we inflicted on one another every time that steel door sealed us in.
My curiosity of Kim Taeyeon built even when she would push me away. She was fascinating to me, something I'd never come across before. She opened my eyes to another world that I couldn't possibly have seen before. She changed me, for the worse or for the better...I'm not entirely sure.
If she hadn't, I'd still be intact. I'd have my heart, my confidence...but I'd also be the person some didn't enjoy being around. I wouldn't have had as good of a relationship with Yuri as I do now because she wouldn't be open with me. She admitted that she would never have told me about her sexuality if this whole thing with Taeyeon hadn't happened because in her words... I would have chewed her up and spat her out. You have no idea how much it hurt to hear that.
I could thank Taeyeon for bringing forth whatever bi-curious feelings that had been hidden deep within me, or I could resent her for ruining my life. I thought I knew what to decide...but it seems I don't.
"Taeyeon, what do you want from me?" I asked, furrowing my brows as I myself heard my harsh tone. I didn't want it to be like this... "I've done all I can for you, Bora is handling everything else. You could be released in a matter of weeks and yet you're here, on the phone to me. Why?"
I was being rude...but I was so tired. My heart had been beating at its regular pace for weeks now but as soon as I saw that caller ID, it's sudden rapid speed had proceeded to suck every ounce of energy I had out of me.
It was a side effect of Kim Taeyeon.
"I don't know, Tiffany," was the answer. I was still huddled up on the floor, my back against the wall, my knees tucked into my chest. I was a Prison Sergeant, meant to be strong willed and tough yet a simple inmate had rendered me into this shivering bundle.
"What am I supposed to say to that Tae?" I replied, a crack in my voice conveying my exhaustion. "I said everything I had to say back there in your cell. And you said everything you had to. I appreciate your kind gesture, I really do but I don't think- I don't think it's appropriate Taeyeon." A sigh from her end... "Don't you think we've been through enough..? Don't you realize-"
Don't you realize what this is doing to me?
"Realise what?"
I scoffed as quietly as I could muster, how could she not understand...
"Nothing. Forget it." I shut her out, it was the only thing left I could do. Or at leastattempt to do. "If there's nothing else, then I-" I was eager to end the call, but she stopped me even as my thumb was inches from pressing that button.
"I sent a letter. "
My eyes opened a tad wider, holding my breath as she waited for me to reply. To say something positive about her efforts...but I did no such thing. I stayed quiet, hoping by some miracle she had to go soon though I knew better.
When I didn't say anything, she continued with somewhat of a darker tone.
"I didn't get a reply so I assume either you didn't get it, or you didn't bother reading it." It was almost icy, the way she said those words and it rendered me more speechless than I already was.
"Or you did read it, and didn't think what I said was worthy of a write back."
I was fully prepared for her sarcasm to appear next, her aggression coming soon after. It was only natural that it went down that route since she could tell by my silence that it could only be one of the last two options.
But then something unexpected happened...
"I understand, I do. What went down on your last day wasn't pleasant for either of us and you may think that I didn't care whether you left or not but-"
Shaking my head to rid myself of the confusion did nothing. Who was this and what did she do with Kim Taeyeon? Her tone now was soft, unrecognizable.
"But what?" I asked, finding my voice.
"But...things were a lot quieter when you left."
My mouth ajar, eyes filling up gradually...I didn't know what to say. Was she saying that she missed me? Was she really-?
The old Tiffany still inside part of my heart was overwhelmed with emotion while the new and stronger version wasn't believing Kim's attempts.
I in this moment was somewhere in the middle, I didn't want myself to believe such a thing until it came honestly from her lips - 'I miss you'. That's the only way I could be sure that this wasn't some sort of cruel trick.
"Excuse me?" I asked, unaware that there was even a second meaning of what she had said until she laughed audibly, emitting tingles down my spine.
"I don't mean it like that..." She replied, I could hear the smile in her voice as she went on. "Things were just...a lot less, together than they were before. There were a lot of missing puzzle pieces that night."
"W-what do you mean?" I couldn't deal with what was happening. Was this real or just something my mind was doing to punish me for being so weak?
"You know what I mean."
"I don't really know what to say to that."
"I don't expect you to say anything. I just, wanted you to know that when you werehere...your presence didn't go unnoticed."
What was happening? Was this the sort of thing that she wrote down in that letter? How could I-
"I don't enjoy thinking back to the times when I said certain things, hateful things. And I guess this call was something that I wanted to do to make me feel like somewhat of an okay person again. I just feel like I'm making it worse though".
"You're not, not at all." I blurted, crying somewhat freely now. Forgiveness was right there within reach, I could take it easily and then hand it over to her...
But I didnt.
Trying to calm down after the short yet emotional roller coaster ride Taeyeon had pulled me onto, my thoughts cleared. I knew in my heart that they needed to be relayed to her, no matter what her reaction would be.
"You're not but, I feel like there's no way back from this." I heard everything, how Taeyeon released her breath shakily, how her words turned to croaks just like mine had. "Things weren't meant to be the way I wanted, or the way you wanted whatever that may have been." I continued, standing up now and walking over to the stove. I was getting stronger, this was what needed to happen. "Things are the way they should be right at this moment...you'll soon be released and will be able to live your life again. I will carry on living my own here in Busan and that's the way it has to be. We will both be, where we need to be."
"Tiffany, I-"
"Thank you for calling me Taeyeon, it really means a lot. And I want you to know that I'm really happy for you. I hope this case comes through for you, I really do. You deserve so much from life, and so much talent to give to the world."
This was it. If this had happened instead of that dreadful argument back in Seoul, I would have been content. I'd obviously be upset for a while, but I would know that it was the right thing to do. It didn't happen that way obviously, but I was confident that I was doing the right thing at this moment. Who knows what the future might hold in a few years? It's called the future for a reason but as of the present, right now; I'd done what I needed. I had closure.
"Oh, and Taeyeon?"
She didn't reply, I waited a moment for her to at least show that she was still on the line with me but it didn't come. Had she hung up? Had the phone been ripped from her hands by an officer?
Although I wasn't aware of the fact that she still held the phone to her ear, her hand covering her mouth to stifle sadness...I finished what I had to say regardless.
"You are a good person."
My tears were freely rolling down my cheeks but strangely there was no sadness. And although my face was a mess and my dinner was completely unrecognizable as food, I somehow found the urge to smile. That phonecall was all that needed to happen for me, perhaps for her too. I got to say what I felt, and her too even if it was just within her personal boundaries.
I could go on happily living knowing that I had closure, I could cut all ties with her without regret because I knew soon she'd be better off. Although her drawing still stood proud on that table in the living room, it could now blend in instead of stick out for my eyes to study almost continuously. All that was left to do now...was to finally release that old shred of the weak Tiffany who desired nothing more than to read Taeyeon's letter. After that, I was free.
I smiled as I took it out of Taeyeon's choice of book and walked slowly over to the table in the kitchen, then setting it down in front of me. This was it.
Thinking back to what Taeyeon said throughout that phonecall and how much she tried to convey what she was trying to say without actually saying it, of course I was curious as to how she would go about writing it instead. And what she said about puzzle pieces and how quiet it was without me, it had warmed my heart for her to even manage to get that out.
Taeyeon had given me something today just from that one call - strength. And unbeknownst to her, she had also received the same. She too had closure because wefinally managed to talk without one of us ending the conversation by screaming or swearing; or both. In just that one phonecall, we had come so far and we had managed to leave what we shared in a place where we could both appreciate it for whatever it was.
With yet another smile, albeit slightly smaller...I opened the envelope and took out the page inside. That smile grew when I read how she had addressed me. I could only guess that it meant 'Sergeant Hwang' under the caution she had taken when sending it out.
S. Hw,
I may not seem like someone who is good with words and that's completely correct, but I aim to try to make this a letter worth reading. Although I'm stepping completely out of my comfort zone here, I also wanted you to be the first to know that my request to reopen the case has been successful. The court date is still a few weeks away, but I can't help but feel that these are my last few weeks in this place. For that, I'm grateful for everything you've done to help me.
And when I think about how near I am to being released, I sometimes find myself thinking back to when you were here. How you were the first person who tried to understand me and how I worked as a person; also as a prisoner. You looked past the grey uniform and saw someone I was trying to hide. I admit I hated your curiosity a number of times, but I also found it interesting that you continued to try even when I relentlessly tested you and your patience.
The thing is, I can't let people in. If I do, it's accidental and out of anger that's fueled by sadness which is an emotion I feel I've lost all control of. Opening up just simply does not happen, especially when I'm also in a place like this - my surroundings only makes it harder. I don't like to be the main focus in a conversation, I don't like to be talked about when I'm right there, I don'tlike to feel because it's something that's fucking terrifying. The last time I allowed myself to feel...well you know what happened.
Maybe you can understand that part of my problem is that I find it hard to just be. Just to be here. Even after so many years in a cage, I still remember being outside like it was yesterday. The freedom I had, how I could smile and laugh like it was the easiest thing in the world...and then everything happened in a whirlwind. The next thing I knew there was bang as I was locked into a cell knowing I would be here for many years of my life. Going from an Officer of the law only to then be forced into seeing things from an inmate's perspective...there are no words to describe it.
As I write this, I don't expect you to be reading it but it's something I had to do. If it were me, I wouldn't either. I fucked things up, I always fuck things up and that's exactly why I am the way I am. The things I say are harsh and although I could tell you that I didn't know I was saying such hurtful things or that they were said in the heat of the moment...that wouldn't be the truth. I say those things because I'm scared of how it would be if I allowed myself to care.
You were the first person who tried to get the old me back. It didn't work out for you, for any of us but the fact that you tried to make me feel better about myself, for listening to me even though I was screaming abuse at you proves that you are the better person. You stuck up for me even when I didn't want you to, you meddled when I didn't want you to and you tried to help when I didn't want you to. Even though what you did wasn't wanted nor needed, you still felt the need to care and that's something I'm sure I'll remember.
I hope you're enjoying your time where you are and I hope things are going good for you. I also hope that if you are reading this letter, you understand what it is I'm trying to say.
Taeyeon.
As I folded it in half and replaced it inside the envelope, I stayed seated. Hands running through my slightly tangled locks, I leaned back into my chair and drummed my fingers on the hard wood of the table.
If I had been expecting something, It most certainly wasn't that. It had been clear throughout that whole letter that she was uncomfortable sharing such information about herself. It didn't even sound like her and that fact made me wonder if at least for a moment, the real Taeyeon that she keeps captive behind her brick wall was indeed the one writing to me. Just that thought made a slight tingle travel up the whole length of my spine.
Unable to do anything else at this precise time, a sudden urge made itself known. That urge was to grab a piece of paper and a pen and reply to the girl who had given her all on that small and slightly crumpled note. She had been waiting weeks for this from me, and after reading what she had to say I really didn't want to have to make her wait any longer. But something inside me told me to wait, to send it off when I got the news that her court case had been successful.
Those few weeks passed and Taeyeon, was indeed successful. Her friend had come through for her and did all she could to get Taeyeon out of that place. Soon I found myself in a similar situation as before, sat at the kitchen table and holding the pen in my hand - complete with a big smile on my face. I couldn't imagine how Taeyeon felt at this moment, it must be so incredible yet so daunting. She was going to have to face so much in the outside world, and although our relationship was over and finished, I still felt the need to help her out. What kind of person would I be if I didn't?
So, with her freedom in my mind and pen to the paper, I wrote.
Taeyeon,
I have a confession, I only read your letter after you called. I admit that I really regret not reading it right away, but I think as long as I reply it'll feel a lot better than just leaving your letter unanswered. I'm sorry it's taken so long.
Things must seem quite bizarre to you, with your freedom just around the corner. I bet you're excited, and of course nervous. I can't imagine being in your shoes the first time you see the outside world after so long. It will be sensory overload for sure.
Hearing of your incredible news gave me somewhat of a jumpstart into writing you back because I realized that I didn't have a lot of time left to do it. I wanted you to receive this letter while still being held in the facility. The thought of you reading it while being in the same outside world as me, as strange as that must sound is a little daunting. It makes no sense at all, but I feel more secure in knowing that you are reading this now as opposed to in a few weeks time. I apologize if that is offensive in any way...
What I wanted to say, was that I'm so glad that you are getting what you've wanted for so long. I want to wish you luck in your new life and I want to give you my upmost support in starting your future and getting yourself back on track.
I also wanted to acknowledge and apologize for everything that happened back in Seoul. I didn't leave on good terms and that was partly my fault. I should have known that things could only have gone South due to it being such a risky situation and in many ways... we were lucky that it ended how it did.
After all, we both ultimately got what we wanted. I got my dream job and you got your freedom and that's all that matters right? I can live on happily, knowing that we are both better off in our positions now than we were back then. I hope you feel the same.
I can't put into words how excited I am for you but I know it's going to be a challenge. What I also know however, is that Kim Taeyeon isn't the sort to back down without a fight. A fight to get back into the world and make something of yourself, taking the time you spent being wrongly accused and turning it into something worthwhile. I know you can do it. You have talent, Taeyeon. And this is why at the end of this letter, I'll write down some numbers to perhaps help get you started.
You don't have to use them of course, but I hope they can be of some interest to you. The first is an art college, where you'd study everything you need to know about art. You can even begin to learn graphic design which would ensure you (if you choose to pursue it) a great career.
The second is the number of a friend of mine in California. In the next few months he plans to take over one of the art galleries in Seoul. He'd be happy to take on somebody interested in such works and after all I told him about how passionate you are for art; he's interested to meet you.
I don't want you to think that I'm meddling, that's the last thing I want. You can crumple up this letter right now and throw it in the trash if you feel the need to...I just had to do
I wish you all the best in your new life,