"Hi, it's me Reagan….obviously. I can't be at the phone right now or don't want to talk to you. So just leave a message and I'll phone you back…if I feel like it."
"Great," Amy sighed. "You haven't blocked my number but you are ignoring me." Amy tried a few more times and left a few different voicemails.
So just leave a message and I'll phone you back if I feel like it: "Hey Reagan, it's me Amy. Duh. Please call me."
So just leave a message and I'll phone you back if I feel like it: "Reagan hey, it's me again. Just talk to me please. I know I should have told you but it wasn't a big deal I swear."
So just leave a message and I'll phone you back if I feel like it: "Reagan, I love you, please call me. I'm sorry."
On her fourth call Amy was notified that Reagan's phone was switched off, she tried one more time before deciding it would be best to just go to bed and pretend this whole thing hadn't happened.
Reagan pulled the battery from her phone and slammed it onto the table. The phone couldn't distract her if it was turned off.
"You okay?" Jack asked, tentatively handing Reagan a slice of pizza.
Reagan managed to muster a small smile of appreciation before chewing on her slice. Jack was a great friend in the small amount of time Reagan had known her, always pulling through for her and making sure not to leave until she was 100% sure that Reagan was okay. Those were qualities she greatly admired.
Jack nodded softly, indicating that she was still waiting for an answer from Reagan. Reagan closed her eyes and shook her head sadly.
"No," she sighed. "I'm just annoyed. She has kept things from me before, this is like the third thing. I don't know how much more I can take." Reagan admitted.
"Well, she is just a kid." Jack reminded Reagan, even though Reagan was now giving her a sharp look. "It's the truth. This is her first relationship right? She doesn't know what she is doing, you guys are in two different places in life if you really think about it."
Reagan grinded her pizza between her teeth thoughtfully as she pondered on what Jack had just said. She wasn't wrong, Reagan didn't want to admit it but her and Amy were in different places in their life. But isn't that what relationships were about? Learning about each other? Growing together? Pushing through even though you can't see the finish line? Reagan sighed closing her eyes and thinking about her most poignant tattoo: 'You're trying too hard. Surrender.' Reagan mulled it around in her head, 'You're trying too hard. You're trying too hard, You're trying too hard. Surrender.'
Jack moistened her lips and then whistled loudly.
Reagan jumped startled. "Hm?"
"You were cross eyed, I was just making sure your eyes didn't stick that way. Penny for your thoughts?"
"I was just thinking about surrendering." Reagan sighed. Jack looked at her through squinted eyes indicating her confusion. "I'm just wondering when someone should surrender, when someone should throw in the towel. When someone should realise they're trying too hard." Reagan explained.
"Oh," Jack nodded thoughtfully. "I fully understand that feeling."
"You do?" Reagan asked hopefully.
"I do. I've been faced with that decision one too many times in my life. And I solve it by asking myself one question. How many times are you going to allow yourself to get hurt? It's that simple. Well it is for me anyway." Jack shrugged.
Reagan gently placed her chin on her fist while staring at Jack.
"What?" Jack asked suddenly self conscious.
"It's a shame you're not gay. You would make the perfect girlfriend for someone. You know that right?" Reagan smiled.
Jack stacked the empty pizza boxes before sliding off the bed to head toward the kitchen. "I never said I wasn't curious!" she winked before disappearing out the room.
The first thing Amy did when she woke up was check her phone. Nothing. Amy sighed and then pounded her bed in frustration, angry tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She quickly checked her phone again - as if Reagan was going to suddenly change her mind within a few seconds. This time her tears did fall and Amy didn't bother to fight them.
The first thing Reagan did when she woke up was look for Jack. It only took Reagan a few seconds to realise where she was when she felt the ground shaking beneath her feet, Reagan plodded to the room next door and leaned against the doorframe. This was her music room, her decks, good speakers and most of her records were in this room (although most of the records were in boxes that she hadn't bothered to unpack even this long into her stay.)
"What are you doing?" Reagan shouted over the bass. Jack bobbed her head oblivious to Reagan's presence. Reagan sighed and walked within Jack's peripheral vision.
"Hey!" Reagan tried again. Success. Jack peeked up from under her hair and waved at Reagan as if they weren't a few feet apart. "What are you doing using my equip-" Jack had stopped paying attention again, Reagan reached over and turned off her decks.
"What are you doing with my equipment?" Reagan tried again.
"This is dope, will you teach me how to do a few things on this?" Jack grinned.
Reagan shrugged.
"You should have a little party, break this house in the right way. What do you say, huh?" Jack said running her hand along Reagan's decks admiringly.
"My friends don't live in the area." Reagan reminded Jack.
"I have friends, besides you won't need to speak to them or anything. You will just do what you do best. Play." Jack suggested.
"You know what. Sure. Why not? A house warming party, let's do it."
Amy decided to skip school today, she couldn't face it, couldn't face anything. It was late afternoon when she decided she should at least try to eat something, so she plodded downstairs and poured a bowl of cereal which would no doubt taste like cardboard. When Amy heard the door knock she didn't even move to see who it was, it was only when she saw Karma peek in through the window that she turned her attention toward her. Karma gestured for Amy to open the door, Amy grabbed her bowl of cereal dumped it in the sink and went straight back to bed.
"Where did all these people come from?" Reagan asked watching unknown people piling into her house.
"Friends of friends of friends." Jack shrugged. "The more the better though, right?"
Reagan nodded stiffly, watching people trample their shoes all over her house. She had made sure to remove all of her posters and other breakable items but she was still nervous about this many people being in her house.
"Let's get this show on the road shall we?"
Amy woke up with a quiet determination. She immediately rose, got dressed and called a taxi.
15 minutes and a beer later and Reagan was feeling it. The vibe was perfect, the bass was flowing through her veins and she was able to stop thinking about Amy for a little while. She smiled at all the people spilling into the room, pressed against the walls, sitting on the window ledge, perched on each others backs. Most of these people in her house were on drugs she was sure, but Reagan couldn't find it in herself to care right now. Jack had bought disco lightbulbs for every room in the house and they were definitely working their magic. It was incredible.
Reagan decided to step from behind the decks for a little while and shimmied her way out of the tight space, taking a spot near the corner of the room closest to her equipment.
Amy stepped out of the taxi and handed the driver some money. The first thing she noticed was how Reagan's door was wide open and people she definitely didn't know were leaned against the outside of the house smoking cigarettes. The second thing she noticed was the loud music and the bass that she felt rolling beneath her feet. Amy pushed her way into the house and diligently checked the rooms on the bottom floor, it was in the kitchen that she saw Jack engaged in animated conversation with a girl with a shaved head.
"Jack!" Amy called.
Jack span around, spoke a few more words to her friend and then walked over to Amy.
"Where is Reagan?" Amy asked stepping closer to Jack to let a trail of people pass behind her.
"She should be upstairs. She is DJing." Jack shouted.
"Oh, okay. Thanks." Amy said turning to leave.
Jack grabbed her arm and pulled her back. "You are an idiot. You know that right?"
"I know." Amy sighed as Jack released her tight grip.
Amy scanned the room, her eyes seeking for Reagan. They finally found her. Reagan was wearing a white crop top layered with a purple plaid shirt that was tied around her waist. She was wearing denim shorts, no shoes, just white socks. Her hair was down and she was wearing a bandana as a headband. Amy watched as Reagan moved, it was like no one else was in the room, all Amy could see was her. The smile on her face and the way her eyes closed as she absorbed the music, the flecks of colour flashing on her face as she bounced up and down, the way her hair flicked as she turned her head from side to side. Then suddenly she stopped, her face scrunching a little in concentration (Amy adored that about her,) and then Reagan opened her eyes sensing someone was watching her, her eyes fell directly on Amy and suddenly her face fell and her jaw tightened. Amy sent her a small smile but Reagan didn't even bother acknowledging it. Amy's heart sank when Reagan signalled for her to meet her in the hallway while squeezing past the people piled in the room.
Reagan ushered Amy into the room and closed the door behind them. When Reagan turned around Amy's face was a mess of smeared mascara and snot.
"Amy what are you doing here?" Reagan asked crossing her arms.
"Please don't do this!" Amy pleaded already knowing what was going to happen next, her shoulders heaving with sobs.
"Do what?" Reagan asked curiously.
"Break up with me." Amy whispered her voice breaking.
"'m sorry." Reagan said her eyes on the ground.
"Don't!" Amy screeched. "Don't do this, we can work through this. Please."
Reagan shook her head painfully. "You're young and I don't think you're ready for a relationship right now Amy. And that's not on you, it's on me, but I can't do this anymore. Not right now."
"Reagan please!" Amy said with shaky breaths, "We can try again, I swear I won't keep anything else from you."
"I'm going to go now, okay?" Reagan said walking backwards towards her bedroom door.
Amy leapt around Reagan to block the door. "NO. You're not leaving."
"Amy -"
"NO! I love you and you love me. That's all that matters." Amy said adamantly.
Reagan tensed her jaw and flared her nostrils. "It's not that simple, Amy. People who are old enough to be in relationships know that! Do you think I want to do this? Do you think I want to hurt you? No. I don't. I'm just doing what's best for us right now."
"For us!?" Amy spat. "Us!? This is about you, you're doing this for yourself!"
"So what if I am?" Reagan said defensively. "So what? Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to want to protect myself?"
"Protect yourself? I'm not a murderer Reagan. I'm a girl who has made mistakes! But don't we all!?" Amy argued.
"We do. But I can't keep chasing someone who is chasing someone else." Reagan reasoned.
"I'm not chasing anyone! I'm chasing you, Reagan!," Amy managed through ragged sobs.
"It doesn't feel like it." Reagan admitted, dropping her eyes to the ground. "Please, just let me leave Amy."
Amy immediately thrust her self into Reagan, Reagan's shoulder instantly became wet and slimy.
"Please don't go." Amy muttered over and over again and when she felt Reagan's previously tense body relax she started placing kisses on Reagan's shoulder.
"Amy, Am-. Stop." Reagan tried. But instead of listening Amy lifted her head and desperately attached her lips to Reagan's. Amy tasted like guilt and desperation and salt, Reagan did not like that. And then Amy bit down. Hard.
"Amy get off. Amy, Am-. Jesus christ!" Reagan yelled before shoving Amy off of her. "I said stop!" Reagan bought her finger to her bloody lip and then swiped it with her tongue.
Amy's face instantly crumpled when she realised what she had done. "Reag- I'm sorry," she stammered.
"Look it's fine" Reagan sighed still licking at her lip. "Can you please go now?"
Amy nodded slowly, defeat written all over her body. She looked Reagan over once more, savoured her before slinking out the door. When Amy closed the door Reagan gasped her lungs quickly emptying of air. Suddenly the music was too loud and her head suddenly hurt like someone was crushing it with a vice, her hands shaking as if they were on vibrate. Reagan placed a shaky hand on the door handle and threw it open, pushing through the crowd and running down toward the front door.
"Amy, wait!"
Amy was a good way down the road, shuffling as quickly as her heavy legs could take her, she turned around to see Reagan standing in her doorway, her silhouette bobbing back and forth debating whether to leave the safety of the doorway or to just turn on her heel and head back instead. Amy held her breath when she saw Reagan place a foot outside of her door.
"Are you going to walk home?" Reagan yelled down to Amy.
Amy didn't say anything, didn't move, not quite sure what to do. So she just watched Reagan sway too and fro, agitation clearly affecting her entire body before she decided to make her way over to Amy.
"You can't go home in this state, come inside."
"What?" Amy sniffed.
"You can't go home in this state."
"What do you care?" Amy asked bitterly.
"You know I care, don't you dare say I don't. I. care." Reagan countered. "Now get inside."
Amy stood defiant for a few moments before her shoulders slumped in defeat and she wearily made her way inside.
"Get in," Reagan demanded pointing to her bed. She closed her bedroom door, drowning out most of the throbbing music.
Amy tentatively crawled under the sheets and Reagan followed, turning her back to Amy. Then rolling her eyes at herself Reagan sighed and turned over to face Amy.
"Do you really think I don't care about you?" Reagan whispered.
"I didn-"
Reagan and Amy were distracted by a couple attached at the lips, crashing into the wall and not noticing that the room was occupied. Reagan shot out of her bed and gently directed them out of her room before removing one of her socks and placing it on the door knob outside the door.
"Trust me, it works." Reagan explained when she saw the look Amy was giving to her. "It's a college thing," she added before getting back into bed. She settled down into her pillow, large eyes blinking slowly at Amy.
"Are you okay?"
"Are you joking?" Amy croaked.
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Can't we just work this out? Try again?" Amy pleaded.
Reagan shook her head. "It doesn't feel right. We're just too different I think. I don't know. Maybe in the future? But right now, I think that you need to work on yourself and learn how to stop lying to people you love."
Amy gave a small laugh that didn't quite reach her eyes and then her face contorted.
"I'm sorry about your lip," Amy whispered.
"I know."
"I hate you."
"I know."
"I really hate you."
"I know."
"I fucking hate you."
"I know Amy. I know."
Amy let out an anguished cry and buried her face into Reagan's pillow. Reagan reached over and pulled Amy on top of her. Breathing her scent, feeling her warmth, her body shaking with the effort it was taking to suppress her sobs.
"This hurts so bad Reagan. It really hurts." Amy cried into Reagan's neck.
Reagan looked up at the ceiling her tears flowing freely.
"I know."