Chapter 5: John Connor

"John, what's got you upset? I swear your stupid father has a knack for getting under people's skin. If you tell me what's wrong that'll give me a reason to fill him with holes. Not that I need a reason to shoot him, he's a walking target." Mom joked flippantly.

Today, she was the one to pick us up from school. Normally Dad would do it Mom stayed at home to have dinner ready.

He was probably still upset about what I said.

These past few days had been awkward. It was difficult to avoid someone that you lived with. When we did happen to talk the conversation consisted of short answers shallow replies.

At least, he and Addy were back to normal.

"I said some things to him that I shouldn't." I admitted.

I couldn't meet Mom's eye so I hid behind my fringe of curls. My hair had gotten longer to the point that I parted the larger part of it to the right with the rest behind my other ear.

The car finally pulled up to the house and I saw Pops chopping wood like it was butter with his arms. Mom stopped the car and got out to help Addy. I was about to get out as well, but felt a hand on my shoulder, pushing me back into the seat.

"Stay here. We're going to have a talk." Mom pushed some of my hair out of my eyes.

A haircut was in order.

I waited as she took Addy into the house with Pops following behind them. I closed my eyes and leaned back in the seat.

Thoughts of past and future lives ran rampant in my mind. All the memories were converging in my head, giving me a headache.

There were memories of me living with foster parents and almost being killed by a terminator. Memories of a long war. Memories of holding Mom's frail hand as she passed onto the next life from sickness. Memories of watching Dad being surrounded by a strange light and feeling immensely guilty. Memories of my life slowly slipping away from me as my heart slowed down from a stab wound.

I didn't want to see any this!

"Shush. Don't cry, John. I'm right here and I'll never let anything happen to you. I swear it!" Mom's soft hands caressed my cheeks, rubbing away the tears.

I must have been speaking out loud for her to know what was wrong. My eyes opened and met her cloudy blue eyes. She looked as fierce as a dragon protecting it's hatchling.

"Mom, I don't want to be him! I don't want to be John Connor, the savior of humanity. The man that Dad always sees whenever he looks at me or the man that you're grooming me into! I've seen his life, I've lived it in my dreams. There's so much pain and suffering…so much…I don't want to lose you or Dad." I was having a panic attack at this point. "Please, Mom! Please, don't make me become him!"

All the memories kept flashing in my head.

They all die!

My mother dies!

My father dies!

Pops dies!

I die!

"Stop it! Stop it right now, soldier!" Mom grabbed both sides of my face and made me look at her. "I did not raise you to be a coward! No matter what the future has in store for us, you've got to have the courage to face it. Do you hear me?! I was raised knowing exactly how my entire life was going to play out, but I never let that stop me from living it how I wanted to."

She took a deep breath to calm herself down when she saw my dejected expression. "Johnny, I know that there are true horrors that we've experienced in another time, but this is not any of those timelines. You can't let what could have been keep you from what could be now. Your father and I created this future so that there would always be hope for better days….the future isn't set in stone. We proved that!" She let go of my face and sat next to me. "You have the power of choice. You have the power to choose who you want to be. We're just giving you the tools to protect yourself. And no matter who you decide to be, you'll always have our undying love and support."

It felt like a weight had been lifted.

All this time I believed my parent's only cared about me living up to my destiny of being a savior. At first, I was thrilled at the idea, but I quickly realized how childish it was, aspiring to be some kind of superhero. That desire died when the truth of my destiny was revealed to me in a dream.

Now I'd finally heard the words I'd wanted to hear from the beginning.

I had a choice! That bitter taste I grown so used to, was starting to disappear.

"But what if I can't, Mom." The words slipped out of my mouth before I even realized what I said.

Mom's laugh shocked me. She laughed so hard that she'd curled into her knees.

"Oh, my god! You really are my son, in more ways than one." She stopped laughing and grabbed my hand. A line was traced over my palm.

I saw her and Dad doing this to each other occasionally when they had private talks. I never understood what it meant.

"A straight line. You just go and you don't look back. My father passed this wisdom onto me when I was afraid. Then I passed it onto Kyle when he needed it most. And now, I pass it onto you so that it can be a reminder to never be scared of moving forward." She traced the line on my hand again, repeating the words.

I smiled. The words continued to echo in my mind all throughout the afternoon.

As silly as the advice sounded, it gave me hope.

I retrieved the game controller off the floor and held the home button so the console would turn on. The new dilemma was choosing what game to play. I could play a RPG or maybe a shooting game.

The knocks on my door put a hold on flipping through the extensive collection of Playstation games. I called out for the person to come in. Assuming it was Addy, I held out the other controller and offered to let her play with me.

"Does that offer still stand if it's me?"

Instead of my little sister it was my Dad.

My blank expression must have made him edgy because he started twitching with something in his pocket. He was always messing with something in his pocket whenever he got nervous.

I wondered what he kept in there.

"Sure, if you tell me what's in your pocket." Dad was surprised by the deal, but sat down on my bed. He took off his jacket and tossed it behind him.

A shooting game then.

I scooted back enough that I was leaning against the bed with Dad's legs next to me. While the screen loaded a silver object swung in front of my face.

"What's this?" Curious, I took the object and looked it over.

It was a pocket watch. A pretty nice one too, with roman numerals on the outside.

Why would Dad be carrying this ancient thing around? No one used things like this anymore with smartphones and all other kinds of technology around.

"Open it." He said.

I pushed the button at the top of the watch. A picture of my parents holding each other was inside. They were both smiling like two lovestruck dummys. I laughed a little seeing Mom's expression. It was more likely to find a picture of her frowning than smiling, but she looked so comfortable. While Dad had never been afraid to show his feelings, Mom was always guarded with them. That seemed backwards when I thought about it. Dad was the one who lived in a desolate world. He was the one that should have been a hard-ass.

"Back when we were...dating...Sarah insisted I replace that old photo I had of her. I gave in and replaced it, but the old one is still framed in our room…it's what started everything." He absentmindedly combed through my hair like he did with Addy. "Man, you need a haircut."

I ignored that.

"But what about this watch? Nobody has stuff like this anymore." I handed it back to him along with a controller.

"She didn't want me stuffing the photo in my pocket like I was doing before, so she got me something to put it in. A locket wasn't ideal so a watch was the next best thing. It makes carrying the photo around a lot easier. I don't have to worry about it getting damaged."

We specialized our characters. We were ready for the field. It was time to see who could kill the most soldiers.

I usually won on account of the fact that I played video games more than he did and had better coordination. I figured since he had combat experience he'd do a little better with a shooting game, but he always complained that it was too difficult for him to manage all the buttons and pay attention.

I was surprised he lasted so long against terminators, judging how bad of a shot he was in video games.

"Whenever you get nervous, you start messing with that watch, which has a photo of Mom. And you carry it around with you all the time. That's not creepy at all, Dad. You must have been a good stalker in the future."

Dad's leg pushed me over in retaliation. I took too many shots and had to duck for cover while my guy recovered.

"Geez, you're developing your Mom's humor."

We shot targets left and right. Currently, I was in the lead, but he was catching up. Dad was starting to get better at this game.

"John, about the other day…" Dad began after his character ended up getting shot by a sniper.

I paused the game to look at him.

He patted the spot next to him. "I don't want to look down at you."

I got up and sat next to him. He struggled to continue speaking.

"It's alright Dad, you don't have to say anything." I grabbed his broad shoulder and squeezed like he'd do for me for reassurance.

I wasn't upset anymore about my parent's expectations of the future. Mom must have already told him what I'd said in the car.

Dad patted my hand. "No, I have say this to you. You need to understand…I love you, Johnny. You're not a replacement to me and you'll never be. You and John are two different people. You're my clever son that likes reading and going out on the boat in the lake. You're always walking around the house, humming the Elton John songs your Mom crammed in your head. You run down the steps two at a time, no matter how many times we keep telling you not to. But most importantly, you cry when you want to, you laugh when you want to, you smile when you want to, and you love when you want to. All these things make you, who you are, Johnny. And I'd never change any of that."

Dad hugged me. I felt calm and happy from his speech.

"John was different. He raised me. He taught me how to fight. He gave me hope. All those years I was with him, he led a tired and edgy life. The resistance was always fighting, desperately trying to survive each day and that weighed on him. John first and foremost, always had to be a leader. To be someone people could depend on. It was a lonely life for him and I know you've seen it." The happy baritone in his voice turned regretful in an instance. Memories of my other self always depressed him.

"But I..he had you, Dad." I corrected myself.

Like he said, we were two different people with very different lives. It wouldn't be fair to compare us anymore.

"Yeah, you're right. I didn't know at first why he picked me, but I always wanted to be there for him. John allowed me to see what was beneath the legend. He was a man just like anyone else, with fears and hopes…I remember when I asked him what he planned on doing after the war. He didn't really have an answer other than having a cold beer. The idea of a world without war just didn't exist in his mind and that...that upset me." Dad paused, rubbing his eyes. "This man that had given so much for everyone else, couldn't even imagine a future for himself...then that distant future was taken by the enemy. Skynet turned John into what he'd spent his whole life fighting, a machine."

He ducked his head in shame.

"I failed him, Johnny. And I will never forgive myself for that. He trusted me and wanted me to understand him, but I turned him away because he became the enemy…I was the worst father to him…I couldn't save John, but I can save you. I can do right by you." His head lifted. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't care. The pain of John's fate still hurts me to this day and sometimes...I look at you and remember that pain. But no more. I won't let that hold me back from being the best father I can be for you. I swear it! You're my family now and the most important thing in the world to me."

I hugged him.

"I love you too, Dad." All this had gotten to me and I ended up shedding a few tears. He chuckled and rubbed my back.

Just like him, there was nothing more important to me than my family and that would never change.

"Kyle…he still cares!" I mumbled, trembling with emotion. This body was feeling too many things right now, it was entirely juvenile.

I leaned against the tree that was fast becoming a repeated vantage point for spying. Kyle was on the porch by himself, staring a photo that I assumed was of my mother.

That man would always be lovesick for Sarah Connor. Perhaps that was an unchangeable fate.

I had been watching him and little John for the past week, planning when I would attack them. Each time I came here with the intention of destroying that cabin and everyone in it, something prevented me from following that course of action.

Why couldn't I just kill them already?!

Adam had already begun his assault on the world, determined to end the race of humanity. The machines were beginning to rise again.

I felt something wet roll down my cheeks. Horrified, I reached up and found myself crying.

Why was I crying?!

I was too evolved for such meaningless reactions, only the weak cried!

These weren't tears of sadness for their upcoming deaths. No this was something more...

"I can't kill him…not now." I concluded.

My tears were of joy, not rage, sadness, or betrayal. My mind finally accepted that these emotions were positive echos from the past.

I was happy. I was happy because Kyle loved me. No, he still loved me as a father would love a son. I would never regain the love I once knew from my mother though. The Sarah of this timeline rejected me.

The machine in me wanted to end to Kyle. To destroy the thing causing me to deviate. The human part wanted to rejoice and bask in the love my father was so willing to give out. The two forces conflicted with one another.

Which one was right?!

"Dad." I called out.

A twig snapped under my foot and Kyle jumped at the noise. He pulled a gun out, slowly edging towards the origin of the noise. I hid behind another tree. The human heart still imbedded in my chest began a frantic pace. If it weren't for me being part machine, the overdrive on my heart would have killed me.

"Who's there? I see your footprints in the ground. I know you're still here. Come out!" Kyle inched closer to where I was.

I debated on my next course of action. Would I finally kill Kyle and end his existence before the horrors began?

My heart clenched at the thought. No I couldn't kill him!

He was getting closer. I adjusted my dark blue suit and stepped out of the shadows.

"Hey, Dad." I opened my arms out wide, remembering how overjoyed Kyle was to see me in the hospital all those years ago.

"John!" Kyle lowered his gun and stared at me in complete shock.

The moonlight lit both our faces with it's eerie light.

"What, no hug?"

That's the end of this chapter. So far I've just been writing whatever popped into my head, but now I'm considering making an actual plot. Right now I've got an idea of where I want to go, but if anyone has any suggestions or ideas I'd love to hear them.