Chapter 8 – come back to me

"Wait!" I called after the guys as they suited up, "don't go yet!"

They all looked up at me as I jogged over to them with the four rucksacks in my arms. Jax grinned when I handed him the one with his name on. He opened it and rooted through the contents as I handed the other guys theirs. In each bag I had packed them; sandwiches to last at least 2 days, loads of cookies, a flask of coffee, 4 bottles of water, 2 boxes of condoms and a travel sized toothbrush and toothpaste. I just hoped that it was enough for their run. They had assured me that they would be back within a couple of weeks but that didn't stop me from being entirely selfish and wanting them to stay with me. When Jax had told me that he and my boys were going to be "taking care of business" in Nevada I had felt my heart sink but knew that nothing I said would make them stay; the club comes first.

"What is all this Vee?" Tig asked in amazement, "Did you make all of this for us?"

"Yeah," I shrugged but smiled at how pleased they seemed, "I need to make sure my boys are taken care of while they are away, right?"

"Did you make bread?" Juice asked as he nibbled on the corner of a turkey sandwich.

"Stop eating it, Juan!" I scolded firmly and he put the sandwich back in the cooler, "but yes, I made everything in there. It should last you until you get there if you don't eat it all in one go."

"Do you wanna marry me?"

I laughed at his comment but told him I wasn't really the marrying kind of girl but if he ever wanted to come round for his dinner he would be more than welcome. I had extended that out to all of the guys though and at least 3 times a week I had one or more of the Sons of Anarchy guys coming around for their food, much to the disapproval of my new neighbours. Every time a motorcycle was heard down the road the man across the road, Mr Crabb, would twitch his curtains and look out with a scowl. I didn't care though; I was happy that they enjoyed my cooking and it stopped me from feeling lonely when I was in my new house by myself. I always made extra just in case somebody dropped by.

Once they had all slung their packs on their backs I hugged them all tightly. I was doing well not to cry until I got to Jax and I started to crumble. He let me bury my face in his hoodie and patted me on the top of the head with a laugh. I cursed myself angrily for letting them see my tears.

"Come on now Darlin'," he drawled easily as he pushed me away slightly, "you're gonna make me cry."

I looked up at him and nodded as I wiped away the stray tears on my cheeks before the others could see them. I laughed when he quivered his lip mockingly. He patted me on the head again, thanked me for the food for them all as Chibs slung an arm around my shoulder to then pull me against his chest.

"You had better come back to me, Filip Telford," I murmured to him.

"I will, I promise." He mumbled against my hair.

Then, louder so the others could hear me too I said, "I want all my boys coming home in one piece, do you understand?"

"Yes ma'am," he said to me which was echoed by the other men.

"Right," I huffed and pushed away from him and discreetly wiping away more tears, "on your bikes. The sooner you go, the sooner you come back, right?"

"Yes ma'am." They said again.

I laughed and stepped back next to Gemma and Tara by the office. Tara handed me Abel to cuddle as she jokingly chastised me about being too soft on them. I kissed the young boy on the head and made a face to make him laugh as we waved the boys off. I encouraged Abel to wave off his dad and he did so in possibly one of the most adorable way possible. I laughed at his cute little awkward wave and Jax's mimicking wave back. I cuddled Abel closer and bounced slightly as unease flooded my body. I had had an iffy feeling all week since I had found out that they were going on this "business run". Perhaps it's because I knew that business included guns and killing people.

"Now, Vee," Gemma said, turning to me, "I know you have been itching to get your hands on that damn office."

I turned to her with a hopeful and excited expression. She was holding out a set of keys to me. I laughed and grabbed them with my free hand and jingled them in front of Abel who seemed just as excited about them as me.

"Look what Auntie Vee has got Abel," I cheered, "we're going to get that office so clean and sparkly for when your daddy gets back!"

Tara laughed and said she should take him back before I get carried away with tidying. I agreed and almost skipped to the office to get stuck in. I had been banned from going anywhere near the office for nearly 3 weeks since I "pulled that stupid, fucking stunt" when I stormed the office for Nikolai's number.

Clay didn't find out that I knew about the situation with the Warrens, only that Nikolai had spoken to me; Jax and Chibs would have been in a lot of trouble if Clay found out that they had told me some club business. This didn't stop me from getting a good talking to by multiple members of the club though. I had sat in the bar pouting with my arms and legs crossed as they took it in turns to tell me the dangers of getting into a personal relationship with people from, not only different criminal organisations but associates of SOA as well. I sighed, scoffed and rolled my eyes like a rebellious teenager but was secretly enjoying the fact that so many people cared enough to look out for me like that. I think my favourite telling off was from Happy who had knelt on one knee in front of me and glared silently until he told me, in an overly serious tone, that Nikolai wasn't good enough for my cookies. I had laughed at him but thanked him for the compliment and love life advice. I was told that if I did it again there would be "serious consequences, Lass".

While I sorted out those filing cabinets I had come across the contract with Nikolai's number on. I entered it into my phone after a moment's thought before filing it away with the other contracts. I knew I shouldn't have and if any of them found out that I was even thinking about getting into contact with him I would be in a lot of trouble. I told myself that I was an adult though, and I can make my own decisions; they are not my collective parents and I can look after myself. Despite what they say, I didn't believe that Nikolai was a bad person. How bad could someone that does peaceful protests be? Not very, I bet.

While I was cleaning out the drawers of the desk I found a bunch of old pictures. I smiled when I saw a photograph of myself as a child stood with teenage versions of Jax and Opie. I looked through them all with a soft smile on my face the whole time. They were taken on the day of Jax's 14th birthday. I was so blonde back then with a gap where my front teeth used to be. I laughed slightly at one of my and Jax sat at a kiddies table covered with cake.

"I had forgotten about that," I jumped when I heard Clay's voice, "you had fun. Your mom got drunk."

"She always got drunk," I sneered bitterly, "nothing changed much since then."

"You've done good in here."

I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. There were papers scattered over the office while I was mid-sort out. I pointed at a stack of papers on the desk and told him to look through to see if he needed to keep them but he waved his hand nonchalantly saying that I could just throw them away or burn them. I just slid them into the large bin bag I had on hand. I was thankful that I had already got Nikolai's number saved; I would have had no chance to do it with Clay sat with me. I had found it awkward at first but realised that he enjoyed looking through the pictures as much as I did. I told him I wouldn't tell the guys he was being sentimental so I wouldn't ruin his hard-ass reputation. He thanked me and stood to put the picture of Jax and I up on the noticeboard while I went back to my cleaning up, telling him what I was doing as I was doing it just to fill the silence.

It didn't matter what I did, I missed my boys. I felt ridiculous. I had only known them for about 2 months but they had become such a big part of my life that it felt strange and lonely not having them around. I had gone from seeing them almost every day of my life to not even speaking to them on the phone. The clubhouse seemed quiet without them and Friday's weren't the same without Chibs; he would always rescue me from sitting alone while my female friends got busy with the SOA guys.

Like clockwork, at 7:30 I heard the sound of a Harley coming up the driveway and I smiled as I took the lasagne out of the oven before going to the door. When I opened it I saw Happy putting the stand down on his bike. Mr Crabb's curtains twitched and I waved when I saw him looking at be then at Happy then back to me. He waved back hesitantly but I knew that he wouldn't close his curtains until well after I had closed my door. Happy wasn't the most affectionate of the guys, that would have to go to Tig, but he was kind in his own way; he would ruffle my hair when he came around for dinner and he was always very complimentary of my food, even going as far to ask to take some food home for his mother. He would always offer to wash everything up while I could sit back and have a glass of wine. He wasn't talkative but just the presence of someone at the table with me was nice.

"I was hoping I would have company this evening," I told him as he ruffled my hair and stepped in.

I gave one final wave to Mr Crabb before I shut the door and followed him into my kitchen. He took his place at the table and waited patiently for me to give him his food. I plated everything up and even put an extra slice of garlic bread on his plate. He thanked me quietly and we ate in silence for a while.

"How's your mum?" I asked him, hoping he wouldn't get to upset.

"Fine. She's good."

"You want to take some of this back for her? I know she liked the last one. You should bring her round one evening; I would love to meet her. Or I could come to yours and make it there? I bet she's fed up of reheating it all, right?"

"She would like that."

Happy gave me a genuine smile and nodded at me. It was sweet how much he cared for his mother and I respected him for that. He did his usual routine of washing up and drying the plates as I packed up a portion of lasagne and salad for his mum when I heard a quiet knock at the door. Happy was automatically on edge but I reassured him that it was probably just another one of the guys who were late for dinner but this did nothing to settle him and he followed me to my door saying he didn't hear a motorcycle. He pushed in front of me to open the door. I had learnt quickly that if Happy Lowman is suspicious then you should be too.

"Who are you?" a gravelly female voice said in a quiet scared manner, "where's Vivania?"

"Who are you?" he asked back as he put his arm up as if to block me from the woman.

I peered under his arm and gasped, "Mother?"

She was stood on my doorstep looking haggard and tired. I looked around the street and my front yard for Michael but he didn't seem to be anywhere. I had put my hand on Happy's arm in more of reassurance than anything else and he didn't move. Jax must have told them about the information that Nikolai had told him because he stood like stone, steely gaze surveying the area.

"Mother? What are you doing here?" I asked with a small tremble in my voice, "where is Michael?"

"Can I come in?"

Her eyes flickered up to Happy again. I nodded and tapped him on the arm, telling him to let her into my house but to please not leave just yet. He stood by the door like a bouncer as I showed my mother into my living room. She looked terrible. She used to be one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.

Her once honey blonde curls were now greying and piled on top of her head in a messy, matted bun; the pretty turquoise eyes, that I had inherited, were bloodshot and bleary; her skin looked pale and dull with deep lines around her eyes, mouth and down her neck. When her hands reached out to hold mine, I noticed that they were all bony and trembling. I shrunk away from her and put my hands up instinctively to stop her from coming closer.

"Baby…" she cooed at me, "I just want you to come back with me."

I shook my head, "no, Mother."

"Come on darlin' you need to come back to people who care about you."

"I have people that care about me."

She grabbed my hand and I flinched away from her but she held firm. The look in her bloodshot eyes was crazy and frantic. She started mumbling about Clay never caring for me, about everybody being bad.

"Mother stop." I snapped as I wrenched my arm away from her frail hand, "what is wrong with you?!"

"You need to come home. You don't know what he'll do to me if you don't."

I looked at her in disbelief. I knew exactly what he would do to her if she didn't do what he told her too; I had lived through enough of his punishments. She was searching my face frantically with her eyes. I shook my head and took another step away from her. Mother kept repeating I needed to come back with her like a broken record. She was actually scared. I guess Michael had turned to hurting her now that I was out of the country.

Now I had realised this I noticed the bruises around her neck and under her sleeves. Michael was always careful to mark under your clothes so nobody would know. I immediately felt awful.

"I cant go back mama," I whispered and nodded towards Happy, "they keep me safe here. You could be safe too. I'll talk to Clay; he'll understand."

"No Viv. Not after what he did."

"Mama, stay. Clay is-"

"Clay abandoned both of us! How can you even trust a man that abandoned you, left you to grow up alone?!"

"He's making up for it; he paid for my education, he has given me a job, he saved me from Michael's family."

She looked at me and she just looked lost. I knew that feeling so well. I took a hesitant step towards her to take her shaking hands in my own. They were dry and papery. I looked at her imploringly, pleading with her to stay away from Michael.

I didn't understand why she wouldn't jump at the chance to get away from that Michael and his awful family. I could never understand why she had let him hurt me but I think perhaps now I understood that she was scared of him, scared to leave him. It wasn't until later that I was told he was part of this organisation but she would have known since the beginning. She could have left him at the start and saved us both but she didn't.

"Mama, please get away from him."

"It's going to get bad Vivania," she whispered, "it's going to get bad for you whether you come back or not. If you come willingly it won't be as bad. Maybe just a broken arm."

I felt my stomach drop and the blood drain from my face. I dropped her hands like they were on fire. I told her no. I told her that I would never go back with her, not willingly. I told her that no matter how shitty Clay had been, he never used me as a bargaining chip, he never put me in hospital, he never hurt me like she and Michael had done. I took a hesitant step towards Happy who was immediately at my side.

"You should leave." He said sternly as she tried to follow me and he out his hand into his kutte over his gun.

"You cant tell me what to do-"

"Get out, Mother," I almost shrieked.

Not only was I scared of what she was going to do or who she was going to call, I was scared Happy would hurt her too. Mother looked at me, her false expression of hurt and fear fell to reveal one of true anger. That was something I had grown familiar with over the course of my childhood. Her steps to the front door were long and slow, like she wanted to drag out being in my house for longer than she needed to be. Before she left she glanced over her shoulder with a slightly manic smile, warning me one more time that it was going to be bad.

Happy had checked outside to see if she or anyone else was hiding once it had been a few minutes. He was hesitating, saying he didn't think it was a good idea to leave me alone but I convinced him that I would be fine, that his mum was probably hungry and missing him by now.

When he left I had collapsed onto the couch and just stared into space. I couldn't stop the feeling of fear and dread that I felt. I knew this was coming; I had known it for a long time but nothing could prepare me for the conflicting feelings I had when I saw my mother again. I was never greatly fond of my mother, not even before we left the states, but that didn't mean that I wanted to see her get hurt by that man. I knew she would never leave him, deep down I think I was glad. She stood by, drunk, while I had been beaten and hurt by her husband which is just as bad in my opinion. Scared or not, she could have saved me.

After about 10 minutes, I pulled myself together. I didn't cry, in every incarnation of myself, I never cried. I was stronger than that. I found my phone in the kitchen looking for the number of the person I needed the most right now.

"The person you have called is unavailable. Please leave a message after-" the automated voice said on the other end.

"Fucks sake Jax," I huffed and tried again only to get the same result.

I tried more times but the phone rang and he never picked up. I tried Chibs and my boys multiple times but they were all the same. I felt myself getting stressed. I just wanted to talk to someone I could trust then I had an idea. A bad, terrible idea but I needed to speak to someone who knew what was going on.

"Hello, Princess," he picked up on the first ring, "it's been a while."

I sighed when I heard Nikolai's friendly voice on the other end of the phone. I asked him to talk to me, just talk about anything that wasn't to do with the Warrens or the club or his club.

"Just talk shit," I said in a shaky voice, "talk about anything."

He had laughed but did as I wished. He spoke to me about his family and his dogs and his cat. He talked about the trouble he was having with his landlord and slowly but surely I started to feel normal again. I focused on his jovial tone, thankful that he didn't ask what was wrong, and began to put what had just happened at the back of my mind. We spoke for about 2 hours until I could feel my eyes drooping.

"Do you need me to come over Princess?" he asked when I was silent for a while.

"Please," I whispered, knowing it was a bad idea but feeling so lonely and scared that I didn't care.

"I am on my way."

I'm back- guess which fucking chapter didn't want to be written. If you voted this bitch then you are right. I've had this word document open on my computer since I published the last chappie. Ugh the stress I felt.

Do we trust Nikolai or not? Do we think he is a bad guy or are her family just being too careful? We shall see.

I apologise for the short chapter too, I have literally sent texts that are longer than this but hopefully I'll get back into the swing of it after this.

Thanks for reading.

Lots of love,

Doe

xxxx