Stephanie Hwang;
I watch as the hand of the clock struck 6, patiently lounging on the couch staring at Tae as he furiously typed on the keyboard. His company was doing even better than before amidst the recession, his plan to invest in different sectors had worked and now he sits on even a bigger pile of cash. It's only been 3 days since I came with him on this business trip. Today was our last day but he chose to spend it in his makeshift office in our hotel.
His working face was so attractive, his eyes were focused on the screen and his jawline as defined as he had a habit of clenching down his jaw as his face showed a serious expression. His complexion was completed with his brows furrowed a bit. Working men are the sexiest.
I caught myself checking him out many times while he was working, opting to lay on the couch with my phone instead of going out to the casino's and rather lively streets.
"Stop staring you're distracting me, gosh." He says not even looking up from his screen.
"Baby, we're going to be late for our reservation."
"One second, just let me finish up this report."
"You've been working all day let's go out before we have to board the plane. I miss Prince too."
"Prince will live don't worry."
"Taeyeon-ah! You said you'd take me out on a vacation! Stop working yourself to death!"
"2 minutes. 2."
I march over to his laptop and pluck it out of his hold and stuff it in his briefcase annoyed at how he puts off our dates when it comes to work. I let him watch me gather his items briskly putting it in his briefcase as fast and as aggressively as I can.
"Hey." He grabs my hand as I attempt to march out of the office with his stupid briefcase.
I yank my arm out of his grasp and continue to walk to the elevator. He jogs to catch up to me, and the elevator ride down to the parking lot wasn't as pleasant either.
"Psst."
I ignore him.
"Psst." He repeats louder.
A couple of people stare at Tae and I, wondering what was going on.
"Pss-" He goes again before I stomp on his foot to get him to shut up.
"Ow." He hisses quietly.
The elevator door opens to our floor and I step out casting a fake smile to people looking towards us.
Taeng trails behind me holding his foot in pain.
"Are you mad at me?" He asks keeping his eyes on the road as we drive.
"Pigsy, please answer me."
"Stephanie." He says firmly after I didn't reply to his first question.
"What?" I snap at him. Tae you're so stupid of course I'm mad why are you so dense.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Ugh, you know what. Turn the car around let's go back to the hotel."
"Steph."
"No, don't even right now Tae."
"I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you?"
"That's what you said yesterday! You'd make it up to me and look where we are now!"
"I've been working Steph, you have to accept the fact that there will be days that I go overtime for. I'm a workaholic, and I've already adjusted my schedule for you, cutting 4 hours out of my day each day for you."
"You work all day, all the time non stop. You come back late most of the time, you cancel our dates, you ignore the things I ask you to do like eating and sleeping, or even coming home on time. I ask you to take care of yourself and you can't even do that. You're putting work before me."
"Don't say that Steph." He says slightly raising his voice. "I've done nothing but put you first. Don't say stupid things like that."
"Don't make stupid promises you can't keep." I mumble under my breath. He stops the car immediately and looks at me, his eyes giving dark glares and his jaw clenching. I think I just pushed a major button.
"Is home where you want to go?" He asks quietly.
I nod looking out the window.
"We're not going home then. You're having dinner with me."
Before I could protest he turns the car the other way and drivers faster than before, his knuckles turning white as he grips the steering wheel tightly.
We ate our dinner without speaking a word. The silence was agonizing but I wanted to prove a point of how angry I was with him. Maybe I was a little overboard and him working was a habit of his. A habit he can't really break because that's his job.
The glances we occasionally gave each other were broken quickly by me as I looked away not wanting to see his serious expression. When we have small fights like this he has never raised his voice towards me or has ever shouted at me. He's always been gentle and calm for me, in which I thank him for. Taeyeon-ah I'm sorry.
He excused himself from the table and I call the waiter for the bill wanting to end the 'date' as quickly as possible.
"So, what is a pretty thing like you doing here?" He says with a wink and whistles slyly. He looked like some greasy man at a pub looking for a quick fuck.
"I don't know, eating? Isn't this a restaurant." I shot back at him.
"Feisty, I like." He smirks and slides a piece of paper with his number on it."Hit me up for a good time yeah?"
I roll my eyes but flinch at the sudden sound of a hand slamming on the table followed by a loud deep voice.
"Listen you punk bitch, she's fucking taken by me!"
Tae grabs the waiter by the collar and throws him on the table in front of us, and starts to punch him. The running blood from the waiters nose flowed like Niagara falls. He cupped his head trying to lessen the hard blows Taeng inflicted at him. Groans came out of his mouth and Taeng continued at his face.
The veins on Taeng's neck were prominent and the his fist were rapidly getting bloodier by the second. He looked like he was going to kill the man by the looks of his eyes. They were filled with pure anger and the look of a cold hearted killer. He never did tell me what he really did to Nick.
If I had to guess, it was worse than what this waiter got.
The clashing of utensils, a broken table and the whispering of people in the restaurant cause me to get up and stop Tae.
I squeeze myself between the waiter and Tae and hugged him. I gently tugged his arm and pulled it from the waiter. The hug made him stop as I push him out of the restaurant. His breathing was all over the place but slowly calmed down. His jaw never seemed to relax and the balled fists didn't open. He kicked the fallen bloody man in the stomach before walking out.
"Fucking stay away from my girl." Was Taeng's last words.
As we walk out of the restaurant he takes his suit jacket off throwing it at a wall, while spitting some blood out. How he had a bloody mouth is a question I asked myself but decided to not bombard him with.
We sit in the car, not looking at each other.
"Why did you do that?" I ask looking straight at the mirror.
"Because I wanted to."
"Taeyeon don't give me bullshit, you didn't have to cause a scene. Why did you do that?"
"Because I fucking wanted to."
"It wasn't necessary."
"He cat called you and attempted to get with you! The guy had the nerve to undress you with his eyes. He even gave you his number!" He practically shouted.
"I handled it fine until you came! Don't you have morals? You didn't have to do it in front of everyone we're in a public place and you caused a big scene Taeyeon!" I say matching his tone clearly pissed off.
"I don't have fucking morals when it comes to someone disrespecting you!"
"You're stupid jealous and possessive! You're suffocating me, why don't you trust me?"
"I can't trust you when you're clearly oblivious to the fact that guys wants to get into your pants! Why can't you act like you have a boyfriend sometimes or better yet a relationship!"
"Excuse me? I'm not oblivious to them, I brush them off like any person with a boyfriend would. Taeyeon you're being ridiculous."
"You think my feelings for you are ridiculous? Remember the time you met Donghae and kissed him on the cheek? Or the time you let Siwon back hug you and he put his hand on your ass but you did nothing about it? Yeah guess what? I beat the living shit out of both of them."
"First of all, it was a polite kiss! you introduced me as your girlfriend how am I supposed to react? I did it because I wanted to keep your image up! Second of all, Siwon? You barked at him and pulled me behind your back the in a split second when you thought you 'saw' him put is hands on me! That was all you! You're unbelievable I can't believe you've held onto those, you hold grudges like a damn hoarder!"
"I'm only possessive and jealous because I fucking love you!" He says, slamming his hands on the steering wheel before shouting a loud 'fuck'.
"Just drive the car. Take me home I can't do this." I blink back the tears, not wanting them to fall. I can't even tell him 'I love you'.
Stupid Tae, it hurts to be with you.
The sounds of the car doors clicking shut was the only sound that echoed in the parking lot, followed by a loud slam of the door behind me by an angry Tae.
He grabs me by the arm yanking me back roughly.
"Stop it Stephanie, stop doing this." I flinch at the touch and memories start pouring in.
"Oh so now it's Stephanie? What happened to 'Fany-ah'?"
"Stop it, right now! I hate fighting with you!" I set myself free from his grip and stomp to the elevator.
"Are you going to keep fucking running away from your problems like you always do? When will you fucking learn Fany-ah!"
"Run? So you think all I can do is run Taeyeon-ah?! I've been through so much shit and the least you can do is fucking stop being insensitive about that!" I threw my purse at him, pissed off to no end.
"Take one more step and you'll regret it." I stopped in my spot, hating how that sounded exactly like Nick.
His voice piercing through my ears like he's roaring it even though it's a low growl. It's enough to make me shrivel up inside and hide. I can't even look at him anymore, he changed he wasn't the man I told myself that will make it okay. He was a figment of my nightmares, that I once saw myself looking in a year ago; the same one that left me, beat me, used me, and broke me.
Tears started flowing down endlessly as I fell to the ground sobbing still in his grasp. His hold loosened when I was on the floor crying.
"Fany-ah? Shit, I-I didn't. I'm sorry." He says softly and tenderly. He changed in an instant and I don't know who I was looking at anymore; my Prince Charming or the evil that was in my life a few months ago.
He reaches out and softly touches my shoulder. I move away not wanting him to touch me.
"Don't touch me." He hesitates and pulls back but he tries to reach for me again and I slap him across the face.
He looks down shocked at the slap, not being able to make eye contact with me.
"I-I'm sorry please stop crying, it was my fault."
I get up and run to the elevator, pushing the close button as fast I can wanting to leave him behind. I fumbled with the key card locking it and sliding down the door. Not being able to stand up because of the confusion and hurt he caused me I let my heart be sad.
I hear a soft thud against the door behind me and a small knock.
"Please don't cry, I hate seeing you cry. It's even worse because I'm the reason. I did this to you." He whispered it but I could hear it.
"Fany-ah I was wrong. I thought I was doing something right when I wasn't. I'm possessive and jealous, and I don't know how to deal with it, it's my first time.. Overprotective and a hot head is what I am and I-I can't lose you. I don't want anyone to look at my girlfriend and take her away from me, that's all that I was trying to prevent. I'm selfish and I want you all to myself."
"I can't lose you, and I'll do anything to make it right. Please forgive me." I sob harder crying into my arm trying to muffle the sound.
I thought he left when he didn't speak anymore, but I heard him sigh deeply. The quietness of the room sent shivers down my spine. I was never used to such a quiet ambiance, I longed for it to be filled with his rich tone.
"Maybe I'm not right for you. It was a mistake for you to be with me. What did I do to deserve you? What did I do for you to come to me like a gift wrapped neatly? You deserve someone better, one who one make you cry, who will put you first, someone that will care and love you with no strings attached. I love you a lot you know, I don't know what's stopping you from reciprocating?" He said breaking the hour long silence.
"I don't know what I want Taeyeon-ah. I know you're waiting for me to say it back. I-I'm not sure. It's so unfair to you, I can't do this to you. You don't know how long you're going to wait, I don't even know how long I can-" I couldn't continue. I shake my head, wiping the tears off my face harshly. My heart beats at every word he says that he loves me. Taeyeon, you're more than enough for me.
"I made the right choice involving myself with you, but maybe it's become parasitism, where you don't benefit from me at all. I don't deserve you but I don't want you to leave me. I-I'm not going to leave you. I'm selfish, we can make this work. It has to work. So please stop crying and smile for me."
My heart told me to open the door and let him in, to forgive him but my mind and emotions blocked that act out as a defense to what could've been a relapse to my former relationship.
I shook my head glad that I couldn't see his face. If I did I'd let my walls come down. I'll hand my heart on a platter for him. He'll be able to do what he pleases with it, toy with it, throw it away. "Maybe we should not, do this? Let's just do. . friendship."
"No, no. Fany-ah don't fucking say that." He kept repeating those words over and over again. He started to bang on the door, threatening to break it down. My name was called countless of times. He begged me not to do that. To stop.
"Please leave me alone Taeyeon-ah." I said softly. His thumping stopped and I heard his footsteps leave the door separating between us. When I heard another door click, I knew he left.
I crawl into my bed, taking his pillow and hugging if close to me cradling it to sleep, his scent still lingered from last night.
Taeyeon, I miss you, I miss the Taeyeon I know.
I woke up in the middle of the night in a freighted state with cold sweat breaking out of my pores. I immediately sit up and wonder why a certain warmth wasn't wrapped around me. I run my hands through the empty space beside me noticing Tae wasn't there. A wet stream trickled down my cheek and I knew I was sobbing.
The nightmare seemed so real, like I was being dragged back into Nicks house. Tae's touch on was like Nick, and Taeng's yelling today was shouted by Nick. It escalated to him tying me in a chair and . . . I woke up. The person kept shifting faces, back and forth. Tae to Nick, Nick to Taeng. After I saw myself being battered around like a soccer ball by the one who promised to protect me it scared me, the emotional pain seemed real too. I told myself that it wasn't real, that Tae would never do that to me. It hurt so much, and I needed Tae to be there for me right now even I felt like he was going to snap and do all those things to me.
He was always there when I had these stupid dreams. The only reason I coped with it was because of Tae. He knew how to calm me down even though I was asleep. Even if I did wake up he helped me differentiate reality and fantasy, telling me that it was okay and he was here with me. He'd hold my hand staying awake till I fell asleep. I know that every time I did wake up he'd never fall back asleep, he's afraid it will happen again and would rather stay up all night to watch me; to guard me.
I turn the lights on and gingerly made my way to the door opening it slowly to find Tae against the door leaning on the frame with his eyes closed.
My heart ached. He hadn't left, he was still here. Waiting for me outside my door,even though I wanted to break it off. I told him we should just be friends, to stop being in this whatever we called a 'relationship.'
But he stayed, he's here. It meant everything to me. Countless times have I heard that door click, not knowing the times my lovers would come back. I've watched the door close on me. Shutting me out, hurting me and making my life a living mess.
He's here. Taeyeon's here. It's proof, it's evidence. He's here to stay and I felt like he's telling the truth. He's not lying, he's not just saying that.I immediately sit on his lap cuddling close to his chest and rest my head on his heart hearing the thump every second in his chest. I help myself closer to him as if I'm going to lose him.
I felt so safe and calm when I'm with him. It was like he's my antidote to my nightmares, my safeguard or my supernatural aid. We fit together perfectly, it always felt good to be wrapped in each other's arms.
He brought his hand to my head pushing it closer to himself and soothing me.
"Baby, I'm here." He said in a quiet tone.
"I need you Tae, I need you." I say in between my sobs.
I hit him repeatedly on his back and chest letting out all my frustrations and he just sits there and I can feel his eyes on me.
"I deserve that." Tae softly says, holding me closer as I stop eventually.
"I-I can't leave you even if I tried. I don't want you to leave me." He nods and kisses my forehead before mumbling something against my head. I slept in his arms, still wondering back and forth on how we stand currently.
I don't think Tae slept at all because when I woke up he was looking at me with one eye lid closed and the other one threatening to close, and it twitched. It looked like a dancing piece of flesh.
I reached up to touch his twitching muscle but I guess my drowsiness got to me and I ended up groggily smacking him in the face.
Oops.
He groans and pulls away.
"Sorry." I laugh at the cute pouting face.
He puckers his lips waiting for his morning kiss as always. I give him a quick one. The corner of his lips tug at the side and the lopsided dimpled grin decided to make an appearance.
"Can we never fight again? It sucks." He sulks and hides his face from my sight.
I pull his face closer to mine and I trail my eyes down his chest just to see a purple grayish bruise under his collarbone.
I trace it with my finger gently, and he shuffles uncomfortably. Tears threaten to spill out of my tear ducts the longer I stared at it.
"Hey, don't worry about it I deserved it okay? I'm fine. I didn't even notice till you looked at it." He says bringing my hand to his cheek while his smile dimpled faced showed.
"I'm sorry too. Look it's so big and ugly, I didn't even know I couldn't do that. I'm sorry Taeyeon -ah." I manage to say above a whisper and my voice finally cracked and the tears overflowed and including stop crying.
He soothes me and pats my back telling me it's okay while kissing the tears away.
"Taetae I'm sorry." My fingers kept tracing the bruise and I kissed the corner of it. He shudders and I kept doing it again like I owed him something.
"It's okay."
"It's not if your chest is 30% covered in a purple bruise the size of one of my ass cheeks." I muttered. He laughs out loud and I cuddled closer to him.
He strokes my hair, wiping my tears away with his thumbs.
"I want to marry you."
I literally felt my eyes just bulging out of me and time freeze.
He continues to look up at me smiling as I stare back at him blankly not knowing what to say.
"I want to marry you." He repeats again but louder.
Nothing comes out of my mouth. The noisy birds just chirped and the cars continued to honk.
"I know you're not ready, but let me propose you an ultimatum, sort of."
"Taeyeon-ah, what happened to taking it slow?"
"I can't take it anymore. I don't want to lose you. I want you to be mine. I want to tell the damn world you're mine."
"What does a piece of paper and two rings have to say about our relationship? Taeyeon-ah, let's just wait okay?"
"No I'm not waiting any longer. The piece of paper and ring tells the world you're mine forever and always, and that no matter what happens we can fix it together."
"Tae, it's only been two months." My heart starts to tremble, it aches again. It aches when I'm nervous, scared , anxious all those dirty emotions. I'm not ready and frankly I'm afraid and scared. He'll leave me again once we marry, and it'll hurt even more since we're bonded by vows and those stupid papers. It'll take longer to leave, to run away.
"I know what you're thinking. I won't leave you for someone else, I thought we established this."
"Taeyeon-ah, I know we did. I do trust you, it's just tha-"
"No Fany-ah, if anything marriage is something you take risks for, both people are willing to sacrifice everything for. For example, if a toy is broken you'd try to fix it and give it you're all, but now a days people won't even try, not even put any effort into it and go out to buy a new one; a replacement. Marriage is like that. Instead of breaking up because we have problems, we try and fix it and give it our all. Marriage is like a special barrier made up of bonds to tell us to work it out and go through hardships together, it's our safety net that we can bounce on to save our hearts before we break off. No one can replace that special one we've chosen to be with for the rest of our lives Fany-ah, no one. In a regular relationship one doesn't have that safety net, it's not made up of bonds, so if we break up we break up that's if. It's as easy as that, they can go out and get a replacement with no effort at all."
My tears are just all over the place as he continues to let himself go. His focused and conversation face is displayed on his face, looking at me with sincerity.
"For 90 days, I'll give you a coin. During those 3 months I'll make you fall in love with me. If I succeed, I'll take the coins and buy a ring and we'll marry. If I don't, we use it to buy us a pair of drinks and never see each other again."
The ultimatum, he gave me an ultimatum.
"Our relationship is more than that and now you're making me chose? Why can't we wait? Why are you being so impatient Tae" I whisper to him breaking our eye contact. "I'm so scared."
"You don't have to be scared, I'll be with you every step of the way. These three months will solidify our relationship. I'll prove to you every single day that I'm right for you and that I'll treat you as my queen and with the utmost respect every single day of our lives as we spend it sparingly during the 90 days."
"I love you so much and I can't wait any longer, Fany-ah please."
"I don't understand why your testing our relationship. Isn't it enough for you Taeyeon-ah? Do you not know how I feel about it? We can wait, I need more time."
"No, all or nothing."
"Taeyeon-ah."
"No, you haven't told me. You haven't said it back to me yet. You're not sure, you're still doubting me. I'm prepared to pull and rip my heart strings for the next three months. I'll put my all in this, I just need to prove myself to you so that you can trust me."
"Tae, you don't need to pro-"
He cuts me off and sits up. "I need to prove it to you, I don't care. I'll kill myself for you if I have to. Just once chance, one chance with you Steph."
"What is there to prove Taeyeon? That you're better than my ex?"
"Yes, and more."
"You're nothing like him stop comparing yourself to him. Please you have nothing to prove I notice your effort Taeyeon, I do but please don't make me chose."
He grazes my cheek with the back of his hand and wipes the flowing tears off my face.
"6 hours ago you almost left. For good. I haven't forgiven myself for hurting you and for making you cry. I never will forgive myself. I can't go through that again, the fear of you leaving me as I was outside the door wanting you to let me in scares me. I still kick myself for doing that to you." The grazing of his hand over mine sent aftershocks to my rumbling heart. His touches were too much; too soft, too loving.
"I've forgiven you, I've forgiven you the moment you called whispered my name. I've forgiven you even more for the effort you've showed me, I've forgiven you Tae. I've forgiven you."
"I barely live with myself till this day because of what happened." He brushes my hair back tucking it behind my ear.
He pulls me closer to him letting me sit on his lap. At the point I don't even care about crumpling his shirt or wetting it.
"I want to spend every single day with you for the rest of my life Stephanie, and I want to call you my wife."
Holding his hand tighter and bringing it to my heart caused it to race faster.
"Promise me Taeyeon-ah?"
He pulls out a little blue box with a white silk ribbon on it and opens it. Inside was a silver and gold ring with the silver and rose gold metal ribbons intertwined which formed the shape of the ring, it was completed with a small pink diamond that nestled nicely on top.
"A promise ring. I promise you Stephanie."
I breathed in, pressing my forehead to his. Tracing his lips with my finger, kissing him softly. He takes it out and slides it on my trembling finger.
He opens my palm up and places a small blue rectangular envelop with a coin inside.
"Day 1." He says closing up palm.
Day 1, of 90.