Weiss Reacts to Cards Against Remnant!

A/N: Welcome, one and all, to Weiss Reacts! And boy will this be interesting. Cards Against Huma-I mean, Remnant being what it is, Weiss is obviously going to love this. A huge thanks to RexHeller for letting us do Cards Against Remnant, and...having skimmed through it, I have now spontaneously decided that RexHeller is my new sempai. *goes off to start stalking him/her because SEMPAI*

DISCLAIMER: RWBY does not belong to me, otherwise there would be a canonical equivalent to Cards against Humanity.

Cards Against Remnant belongs to RexHeller. Warning for mature humour which we will try to censor as this fic's rating is T and we'd prefer it stay T.

All mentioned franchises and characters belong to their respective owners.

"20 Ancient Enraged Plutonium Dragons." Yang declared, grinning. Weiss banged the desk angrily with her fist, scowling.

"Again?!" Weiss screamed, slamming her cards down. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?! THAT'S THE FIFTH TIME YOU'VE DONE THAT TO ME! I'VE HAD TO REROLL MY CHARACTER THREE TIMES!"
"Well, then quit being such an easy target!" Yang retorted. "So, since your level one elf CLEARLY can't outroll this horde of mighty dragons, even IF you got help from Rubes and Blakey, and you're stickied, you die."

"Munchkin is stupid." The heiress declared, giving up. "Yang's stupid."
"And I kick down the door, get a potted plant and win the game because none of you can intervene." Yang declared proudly, placing her cards down. "I guess I win the fifth game of Munchkin in a row, eh?"
"ONLY BECAUSE YOU DRAGGED OUT THE STUPID BUFFS EVERY SINGLE TIME I FOUGHT A MONSTER!" The heiress retorted irritably. "COME ON, YANG!"

"Be grateful I didn't decide to call over Chiaki to own you." Yang pointed out, giggling. The heiress sighed, trembling with anger.

"Must you use overpowered tactics in every game to beat me?!"

"Weiss, if you didn't rage so much when I did, they wouldn't be so much fun to use on you~" The brawler retorted. "Seriously, it's just a game and you nearly flipped the table."
"Ggh...y-you idiot..." Weiss seethed. Ruby frowned, patting her back.

"Come on, Weiss, calm down. It's literally just a game." The reaper reminded her. Weiss sighed, sinking into Ruby's side.

"I know...but Yang just plain insists on trolling me..."
"You know, one day, you're going to go too far." Blake reminded her. "You're going to do that one antic that basically gets everyone to yell at you and then you might actually get a clue."
"Oh, relax." The brawler scoffed. "I'm not that nasty. I have my moments."

Weiss leered at her. "If you have your moments, I seem to be failing to remember any of them."

"Oh, veeeerry funny, Weiss."

Blake sighed, packing up the Munchkin cards and pieces. "Well, we clearly can't play this, because Weiss is probably going to literally flip the table if she loses one more character to a monster encounter.

Anyone have any ideas? I'm not spending the whole afternoon doing nothing."
"One of our fans sent me a suggestion." Yang pointed out helpfully. "For a fanfic, I mean. You guys ever heard of Cards Against Humanity?"
Blake stared at her, trying to hold in a giggle, while Ruby's eyes lit up in recognition. Weiss, on the other hand, stared at Yang in confusion.

"Cards Against Humanity? That...already sounds stupid." The heiress' eyes narrowed. "In fact, it sounds like shenanigans beyond mortal comprehension. What is it?"

"Possibly the funniest board game ever." Blake explained. "And possibly the most politically incorrect one, too."
"Politically incorrect?" Weiss repeated, her eyelid twitching. "...this already sounds incredibly stupid."
"It is. That's why it's hilarious!" Yang declared. "Come on, have a sense of imagination! We'll play it sometime- or when Elf actually gets off his backside and grabs some free cards for it.

Basically, some guy wrote a fanfic about us playing it."

Weiss blanched. "So, a fanfic about us playing the stupidest, most bigoted game short of a game made by actual bigots known to man.

I am sorely tempted to call you an idiot if you think I'm going to waste my time reading that. Probably written by some sort of obsessed pervert anyway..." The heiress muttered, crossing her arms.

Ruby frowned. "Well, you don't want to play Munchkin, so it's that or doing nothing for the rest of the afternoon."
The heiress mentally weighed her options, grumbling irritably. "Ggh...fine, fine. I'll read this stupid shenanigan-filled fic, but only because I have nothing else to do.

I swear, I should get paid to read the fanfics our supposed fans come up with..."

"Hey, at least you get to live in half the fics we read." Yang pointed out. "And Rubes always gets an eye or a limb blown off or something.

Cool for drawings but come on, could you at LEAST not blow her legs off? They're running out of body parts to blow off of her. They'll probably blow off the tip of her earlobe next or something..."

Meanwhile, Blake stood up, covering the box of Munchkin cards and placing it underneath the table. "Well, you guys get the usual set-up ready. This'll mark the second afternoon in a row we've done nothing but read fanfic."
"Eventually we'll do something fun..." Yang reassured her. "Buuuuut for now, I'll get the munchies, Rubes gets the drinks, and Weiss gets the table and computer ready!

Fanfic reading marathon, away!"

Ruby cheered happily. "WOO!"

Weiss, on the other hand, had an expression that literally could not express more displeasure with the current choice of activity. She grumbled as she shoved her chair over to her desk to boot up the computer, sighing.

'I bet anything this fic is going to be full of moronic antics and perverts, I can just feel it in my bones...' The heiress predicted, muttering under her breath.

Minutes later...

All of team RWBY was now gathered in their usual spots around Weiss' computer, with a stack of assorted snacks for all four girls, along with several cans of energy drink and one mug of hot chocolate for Weiss.

Chapter 1

"Yang? Bored? That would probably result in a far worse disaster than simply playing a crappy board game." Weiss remarked. "It would probably result in someone's underwear being stolen or someone's plushies blowing up or something stupid like that..."

Yang frowned. "Oh, have some faith in me. You know I'm not always behind every single antic that goes on-oh, who am I kidding.

PfffhHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"...and a mysterious person gives us these...Cards Against Remnant. I have a feeling that moron's probably part of the Antic Order." Weiss muttered irritably. "This already reeks of stupid."

Blake shrugged. "Well, knowing they have offices in three different universes al-"
"BLAKE, I WAS NOT BEING LITERAL. DON'T ACT LIKE ELSA."

"Where IS Elsa, anyway?" Yang inquired about Weiss' cloned sister. The heiress closed her eyes, trying to remember exactly where she was.

"From what I remember, she's currently being taught by Winter how to serve tea in a proper tea serving ceremony or something."

Ruby tilted her head. "Hm...this can't end well, if Nora's involved."
"Alright. I'm a moron for not walking out the moment Nora was even hinted to be getting involved..."Weiss muttered. "Nothing with Nora in it can ever end well.

EVER."
"What about-"
"EVER!" Weiss interjected. "No exceptions. Ever."

...

Chapter 2

"My pampered..." Weiss paused, before glaring at the monitor. "...how dare he imply that I would use such improper language? And this game is based on this kind of humour?

How low-brow!"

Yang sighed, resting her head on the palms of her hands. "Live a little, Weiss. You really are a shut-in."

"I'm not surprised you like this game. It seems exactly the kind of game perverted morons like you play..."

Blake calmly sipped her can of Blue Cow energy drink, trying not to giggle too hard. "...oh, everyone trying to play this game are just a bunch of lightweights..."
"Surprise se-" Weiss stopped, before growling. "...perverts. PERVERTS! PERVERTS!"
Yang giggled. "I dunno, if Blake jumped me in the middle of the corridor, I'd be perfectly fine with it."
"Y-Yang!" The catgirl snapped, blushing. "D-don't just say that1"

"My father always taught me to be two things. A pervert, and an honest pervert!" The brawler declared proudly.

Ruby giggled at Jaune's wisecracks. "Wow, he's firing those off like there's no tomorrow. What's with him?"

"Probably would be our Jaune if he wasn't busy being simultaneously the unluckiest and luckiest teenage boy in the whole multiverse." Yang noted. "He's got plenty reason to be salty."
"Sausage festival..." By this point, Weiss was all but frothing at the mouth. "...perverts...all perverts..."

Ruby poked Weiss' cheek concernedly. "Weiss? Weeeeeiss? Is everything alright?"
"She's got a pervert overload." Blake explained. "Probably shorted out something in her brain circuits."
"Stupid perverts...all of you stupid perverts..."

"Getting laid by having giant robots..." Yang looked thoughtful. "Well, it worked for Sousuke and Ichika...

Maybe my waifu rating will increase and beat Winter's if I learn how to pilot a non-Gurren Lagann mecha..."

"Ten rounds of nothing but perverts..." Weiss uttered, horror creeping into her voice. "And dealing with everyone...

G-get me out of here, I don't want to read this fic. I don't want to read this fic!" The heiress declared, trying to leave her chair. She had walked almost halfway across the dorm when-

"SCREEEEE" A loud, inhuman screech issued from just behind the door, along with the squirming sounds of what sounded like tentacles slapping against the door.

"H-help!"

"Miss Honda! Crap. Someone grab Tukson before this thing does anything weird!"
"Step back from that!" The voice sounded like Beth, the caretaker's, and was itself followed by the cocking of a shotgun. "Get the librarian. I'll handle this thing myself.

Come on, Gretchen, why can't you ever summon one of these things with an off-switch?!"

Weiss slowly crept back to her chair, trembling.

"O-On second thought..." The heiress slumped back into her chair. "I'll...stay here."

Yang pumped her fist triumphantly. "Once again, Professor Faust, you saved the day."

...

Chapter 3

"Five rounds more of this." Weiss groaned in exasperation. "FIVE more rounds-

Stealing my sisters...underwear?" The heiress started twitching dangerously frequently.

Ruby hugged her tightly- partially because it was Ruby and partially to prevent her girlfriend from murdering the monitor.
"Hehehe...Weiss, no need to get mad, it's just a story..."
"F-fetish cafes..."

Yang spat out the energy drink in her mouth- thankfully out of the window- and began laughing, wiping her mouth.

"PffHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Yes! GENIUS! AHAHA!"

Weiss, meanwhile, squirmed in the reaper's arms. "DUMB PERVERTS! WHO WOULD COME UP WITH SUCH A STUPIDLY PERVERTED CONCEPT?!"

"You ever been to Japan?" Blake inquired, raising her eyebrow. "Hell, have you been down to Vale?"
"I THOUGHT THOSE WERE JOKES! NOT ACTUAL THINGS!

AND OF COURSE PYRRHA OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD WORK IN THEM!" The heiress roared, irritated. "GAH! PERVERTS! EVERYBODY, INDECENT PERV-"
"Sharkie-chan." Blake called out flatly, before she lobbed Weiss' beloved plushie at her. The heiress immediately relaxed, her angry expression turning to one of sheer joy.

"Sharkie-chaaaaan!" Weiss squealed happily, hugging the stuffed shark's face against hers. "Oooooh! I've missed you soooo much~"

Ruby twitched. "Gah...I...whaaaaa?"

"Works every time." The catgirl grinned, sharing a fistbump with Yang. "I've yet to see one time where Sharkie-chan fails to make Weiss chill out."

"I think this story might just about do it..." Ruby mused, still looking scornfully at the shark plushie being currently rubbed into her girlfriend's cheek.

"Smell of nubil-pfffhaha!" Yang giggled at the cards everyone drew. "Good Dust, Ren, you are one screwed up guy.

And I dunno about Pyrrha, but I'd totally read Jaune/Ren yaoi~"
Blake blushed briefly, looking away. "D-do you mind?"
"Don't get jealous, kitten~"

"I'm not! B-but do you mind keeping that to yourself?"

The brawler rolled her eyes. "Softie. And I'm pretty sure Ren has...a little interest in boys. Just a little.

I mean, the guy's mind is so screwed up with antics that I don't know what he is except 'Norasexual', but..."

"I...did NOT need to know." Blake cringed, before continuing to read. "OH GOOD DUST!"

Yang read the sentence ending she'd gotten, before bursting out into a hearty round of laughter.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"GOOD DUST! YANG!"
"That was genius! Absolutely GENIUS! I love it! I don't think there'd ever be a fifty-five gallon tube of that, but that's genius!"

Weiss, now recovered from her proximity-induced cuteness fugue, had rejoined the group to read the fic.

"This...is about as bad as that one stupid fic about Nora that the moron sent to me once..." The heiress uttered angrily. "...Fisting? FISTING?!"
"Ahhhh crap." Blake sighed, reaching for the plushie. "This is just going to keep happening again and again, isn't it?"

"GRAHAHHHHHHH! AND THEY MENTIONED TINY-GRAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"

Needless to say, the girls were forced to interrupt their reading as Weiss had to be restrained from destroying her own computer out or barely-veiled denial- after all, she totally had a perfectly adequate chest- and sheer anger at how perverted the story currently was.

Chapter 4

Yang pumped her fist. "Yeaaaaah! I get fanservice! At least I'm the sexiest person in the room somewhere!

You better take notes, Elf! I want to be as sexy as that!"

"Tch. Cannibalism...how disgusting." The heiress looked appropriately irritated. "How uncouth and uncivilized...

And elf..." Weiss blushed profusely, her face twisting into an expression of utter embarrassed rage. "WHAT?! WHAAAAT?! The ONLY reason I know what that word means is because Yang TAUGHT it to me!"
Yang smirked. "I'm just a font of sacred knowledge, dear."

"GRAH! EVEN PYRRHA'S A PERVERT!" The heiress roared. "WHY?!"

Blake nodded slowly. "Alright, nothing too bad, except for defenestration...from a moving car?"
Yang shrugged. "It's happened."

"Weiss couldn't throw Vivi out of a window while driving."
"Shut up." The heiress snapped at Blake.

"Hot jail-bait? Alright, so me." Yang declared. "So I hooked Ruby up with Weiss! Sounds about right."
"In your dreams. We got together of our own volition!" Weiss retorted.

"Only because I advised you join the music competition!"
"You did no such thing!"
"Yes I did!"
"All you did was prank me and lock me in closets with Ruby in the hope that I'd KISS her, you stupid deviant!

And me, hug you? You would CRUSH me, you yellow beast!"
"Because you're nothing but a twig, miss bossyboots." Yang retorted. "Besides, I actually ate my meat and vegetables, unlike you.

The difference is pretty clear here- you're an ironing board, I'm a mountain range~"
"I-Ironing board?!" The heiress cried, glaring at her. "Why you..."

Blake facepalmed. "Tentacles? Seriously, Yang? Seriously?"

"What? It makes sense, even if it is disgusting."

"...no."

Yang rubbed her chin. "Huh. You know, there would be soooo many Boku no Pico jokes about that anime card if we did that...

By the way, those of you reading at home, please don't look that up. You're seriously better off spending your time looking up TvTropes or something, but it's not Elf-sama's fault if you did look it up."
Weiss stared at her. "Just who are you even talking to?"
"Our more impressionable readers."
The heiress sighed, shaking her head. "Delusional..."

...

Chapter 5

"Waterboarding." Weiss rolled her eyes. "Is it sad that I'm not even shocked that this game would use that as an answer?"

"Horny catgirls? Alright, didn't know we were in a generic pervy harem anime." Yang remarked drily. Blake huffed, crossing her arms.

"Hmph. Amateurs. Catgirls are badass. Who needs fanservice anyway?"

"My fan club!" Yang retorted, smirking. Weiss looked up.

"What fan club? Did you mean Winter's?", she quipped. Yang clenched her fists.

"I told you, it's not fair that Winter has her own fanclub and I barely have a fan group, let alone a club!"

Ruby pouted. "I'm not jailbait! I'm too cute to be jailbait! I'm the kind of cute you want to protect and cuddle, not...do horribly indecent things with!"
"True, true." Yang nodded in agreement. "It'd be pretty weird for anyone not Weiss to do things with you.

And if she wants to do things with you, then she'd better ask permission because no."

"Shotgun legs?" Ruby's eyes started sparkling.

Weiss administered a slap to her head. "NO."
"But-" The reaper whimpered. Weiss looked sternly at her.

"NO."
"B-but-"
"You complain about people cutting your limbs off in fanfics, you don't get to get shotgun legs."

Yang stared at the screen, clearly about to explode into laughter.

"During...pff...pffhh...PFFHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now THAT's the best black card yet! Best one!"
Weiss' head whipped around to stare at the screen herself, before-

"...GRAAAAAHHHHH PERVERTS PERVERTS PERVERTS"

...

Chapter 6

"At least Jaune had the good sense to get out and not be a pervert UNLIKE MYSELF." Weiss declared irritably. "How uncouth..."

"Wait, wait, why is Pyrrha hiding being bisexual again? Not that I believe her." Yang stated, disbelieving.

"If Pyrrha is anything but Jaunesexual, I'll stop teasing Weiss about having an A-cup."
"SHUT UP!" The heiress screeched.

Blake tilted her head. "Huh, so exactly like the Reactsverse. Everyone except Cardin and Melanie is bi."

"You're forgetting Robin and Lucina." The brawler reminded her.
"That's a completely different fic, Yang."

Ruby tilted her head. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing, and WHAT SERIOUSLY?" Blake's eyes almost bulged from her eyes reading about her seducing Sun.

She started blushing profusely, trembling and shivering. "I...oh...um..."

Yang merely licked her lips. "If Sun doesn't want that Bellabooty, I'll take it-oowwwwww Weeeeisss!"

As the brawler rubbed her stomach, groaning, the heiress rubbed her fist.

"Tch. Pervert." The heiress resumed reading the fic, before-

"Killed me at fifty-five with...GRHHHHHHHHHHH"

Weiss started frothing at the mouth, trembling. "I...I...I..."
"Blake, change the chapter! Quickly!" Yang cried desperately as she pinned Weiss to the floor with her weight. "She might actually end up breaking the computer!"
"PERVERTS! STUPID, INDECENT DEVIANT PERVERTS!" The heiress shrieked from underneath Yang. Ruby also joined Yang's efforts to prevent the computer from being utterly annihilated.

Blake hurriedly complied.

...

Chapter 7

"MMMPPPPHHH" Weiss, to prevent property damage- and possible loss of life- had by this point been tied up and gagged, plopped in a chair in the corner to prevent her from doing anything out of sheer righteous rage.

Yang sighed in relief. "Alright, we're safe. We can read this fic in peace. Weiss isn't going to blow this computer to pieces.

Also...homoerotic volleyball montage? Someone get on making the RWBY version of that now please."
"What the...who would find edible underwear sexy?" Blake stared, dumbfounded, at the monitor. "Apart from Yang."
"Guilty as charged."

"THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT!"

Ruby shivered. "Why is everything so perverted in this game again?"
"It's hilarious. If a bit offensive." The brawler admitted. "And incredibly dirty-minded."

"Mmmmpfh..." Weiss glared at the screen as she saw her name on the screen.

"I wonder what they'll get for 'Weiss Schnee singing'." Yang giggled, taunting the bound heiress. "Fing-oh, seriously? Hahaha!"
"Rrrrghhhh..." The heiress struggled in her bindings, her expression slowly warping into one of murderous intent.

Blake rolled her eyes. "Oh, wow. Jaune, you dirty-minded pervert. For once, we see Jaune perving on someone instead of the other way around...

And freaking Ironwood making Penny chicken soup?!"

"Alright, screw all the dirty humour! That is the single funniest thing I've read in this story!" Yang started giggling. "Good Dust..."

"Throwing virgins into volcanoes?" Ruby frowned. "That just sounds like one of those crappy B-movies you love watching, Yang."
"Mason jars...PFFHHHHAAHAA!" The brawler fell off her chair, giggling and laughing maniacally. "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!"

"I'm...free."

Suddenly, the other members of team RWBY heard the sound of ropes snapping behind them, as Weiss rose from the chair she had been imprisoned into, a seemingly murderous aura surrounding her.

"Y-you...I will...execute...perverts..."

With unparalleled speed, the heiress rushed towards the computer, bowling Yang over and only being stopped by Blake, who struggled.

"Q-quickly! Ruby!" The catgirl cried, looking over to the reaper. "Throw the shark plushie at-"
"T-that won't work. I will...kill...rip...tear..." The heiress growled angrily, struggling against the girls.

Blake and Yang nodded to each other.

"Ruby, you write the review, we'll make sure Weiss doesn't hunt this guy down!"

"R-right!"

From: DaLittleRougeFightingHood

omd so hilarious i loved it, yang did too

its amziang

just watch otu for wiess

i think she wnats to kil u

-ruby

"Let me go..." Weiss seethed. "I'm going to execute this perverted deviant of an author personally! LET ME GO!"

Yang's maniacal laughter filled the dorm that afternoon.

END

A/N: Well, a big shout-out to that big desk, RexHeller, for letting us do his fic. And a light-hearted jab, don't worry; you just need to fix up your spelling.

So, next chapter...Yang Reacts to Karmic Trickery!

So, I hope you enjoyed that, leave your ideas, suggestions, criticisms, reviews, thoughts and comments, and I hope you have a GREAT day! Until next time!