Kim Taeyeon

I was the one who left. I stepped out of the door and never looked back.

I left first. Only because I didn't want to see anyone else whom I claimed to love to leave me once again. I wasn't going to repeat that part of my life anymore so I left first.

It hurts so much. I had absolutely no idea what I was saying back there with her but all I could remember and replay in my head was when she told me.

I love you Taeyeon-ah.

I just fell apart right there and then, I didn't know how to respond. I didn't know what to say after that. All the questions she asked me I don't know. I could get over the fact that she has told me during our fight and I couldn't process anything.

I said things I shouldn't have, I walked out on her when I shouldn't have all because I was caught up on that moment when she told me.

I've waited so long, it got to the point where I couldn't anymore.

We had a break for 3 weeks or so. There was a day that I did something I wasn't very proud of.

And that was to kiss another girl, to touch another girl so intimately because I was desperate to hear the three words and my name being told to me.

I kissed that girl and I thought of my Steph. I touched her skin and I felt Steph. Juniel started to mutter things in my ear and moan but I imagined everything Stephanie.

When that girl Juniel, said 'I love you Taeyeon-ah' I lost it.

It wasn't what I wanted to hear from Juniel. I wanted to hear it from my babygirl.

It was so wrong because I kept trying to imagine Juniel as Steph.

I couldn't do it anymore so I left Juniel in that room. I went back to my suite and emptied my liquor cabinet. I called my Fany at an ungodly hour as I slurred my speech. I didn't tell Steph what I did. I felt so guilty.

It aches me to hear from her for what I did. It hurts that she didn't hear it from me. I don't think I would've even told her about it. But it's like a slash to myself when she had to find out from someone anonymous.

I don't care who sent that to her because the damage is already done.

I did something I promised her I wouldn't do. I told her I'd never be like her ex. I said that so many times.

But look where we are now. I've lied, I'm a hypocrite and most importantly I've made her so sad.

I've hurt the one I love and I couldn't feel more upset than ever. I didn't want to, and I didn't mean to.

We broke up. It's over now.

Fany and I, are over.

I'm tired of chasing after her, but I know I was in the wrong.

Wrong for practically cheating on her, wrong for asking her hand in marriage in 3 months. Wrong for pressuring her to love me, to tell me that she loved me.

I was so wrong. I can't do that, it's not right.

I'm always too angry with her, too protective, too sensitive and too anxious with her.

The part of me that's telling myself to leave her alone and to stop trapping her in toxicity is overpowering the other part of me that's saying to run after her, to get her back, be selfish and want her to love me.

I don't want to chase after her anymore, I'm afraid of so many things that could happen.

Taengo: Please take care of her.

Hyung: You fucking asshole. I came back to the safe house to see her bawling her eyes out, calling your shitty name.

Taeng: Don't let her leave the house.

Hyung: Why not? She has ever right to leave your sorry ass. I can't believe you would pull that shit on her.

Taeng: Hyung . . please.

Hyung: I'm not stopping her. You fucked up and this is your punishment.

Taeng: Do you realize they're still fucking after us?

Hyung: I'll keep my eye on her. Not because she you used to be your girl, but because she's my friend that I happen to think of as a human being with feelings and a past. I hope you remember you got her into this and I'm not keeping her safe for the reason of because you told me to. I'm doing it because you're not capable of doing it.

I threw my phone against the pavement, seeing the screen crack into a couple dozen lines. I opened he car door and revved up the engine, speeding off. But I stopped, put the car into reverse and backed up till I opened the door again.

I grabbed my phone, opening the lock screen to see Stephanie as I ran my thumb over the deformed image of her. A part of me wanted her to be able to reach me if anything happens. A part of me still wanted her to call me, text me, vide chat me asking me to come back. I'd run into her arms so fast if she did. I didn't want to let her go, I didn't want to leave.

The thing that replayed in my mind was the moment I touched her in a place that wasn't okay. She stopped me and I'm glad. She should sue me, stack me, bring me to the police. When I wanted to pick her up, I pushed at her for god knows what. She fell and she looked like she was in so much pain. She cried even harder and looked at me like I killed someone. It's like she thought I was Nick. Another thing added that I'll never forgive myself for. She's too good for me, I have anger issues. The one that calms me down, shouldn't be the one to receive my end of the anger. I hurt her physically and emotionally.

Gripping the wheel tightly was all I could do. I'm so pissed but I feel like a total dick. I work because now it's a purpose in my life; work to provide Stephanie whatever she wants, keep her happy and she'll make me happy too. In a way it fuelled my own happiness. It was my bad to not tell her about that day, it was my bad for not saying something to her. I asked for a break, I got one. But during that time I did something I wasn't really proud of. I'm not that low of a person to cheat on someone. In my opinion that makes a person less of a man, and more of a god damn coward; and I wasn't that at all.

But I did do that; kind of. I am a damn coward. I kissed someone else, I kind of touched someone else. I had all the power in the world to prevent that from happening but it still happened.

Stupid me. Stupid stupid me.

I pull my car into a halt and slam the door shut making my way hastily into the dirty old underground club. Most of the time it smelt like piss, vomit, and cigarettes. The piercing sound of drunken men and the hollering of people in the ring makes me want to shoot myself but once I'm in that ring, I hear nothing.

I usually come here when I'm totally out of the loop or when work is a stressful as fuck. I come here to beat a few pringle sticks down and the feeling of blood on my hands and adrenaline running through my veins helps relieve there stress. But when I met Steph, seeing her was the remedy I ever needed.

But since she's mad as fuck at me and I can't stand to see her cry, here I am at this shit fight club getting ready to potentially end a few lives here.

I throw my belongings through the small window in the entrance of the club, earning a nod from the fat gate keeper on the other side of the window.

I crack my knuckles, turning my head to see a crowd of drunk lords screeching at each other. I take off my shirt and step into the ring.

Every hit was my wrong doings, every hit was all the things I said to her back home. Every hit i made, I imagined Nicks face. Piece of shit made her like this, piece of shit caused me to relapse into my old life. I won't hesitate to snap him in two if I see him. Punch after punch I feel my fists on fire but inside I can't stop.

The sound of the bell ringing snaps me out of my trace. The roaring of the crowd is wrapped around my ears. I look down at my bloody knuckles and a guy badly bruised laid out on the floor. I must've knocked his jaw out because I can't feel my hand at all, it's numb and it aches. Blood wouldn't stop coming out of the wound as I grab the towel from the stool and wrap it around my hand.

I walk out of the ring and into the locker room. I sat down on the rickety old bench and stared at the blue tiles on the floor, staring at how the grime on it started to fade away as it got to the corner of the room. I sit there for a while, like did I really just do that? I'm back into my old habits aren't I.

"Hey, it's yours. Good work today." The club owner speaks as he hands me an brown envelope full of cash.

I say nothing as I walk past him, bumping shoulders as I breathed out. I opened a random blue locker to find another towel in there. On the door itself was a half assed mirror, it reflected into my eyes and I stared at it for a good minute.

The longer I stared the more I noticed of how shitty I looked.

I was bruised, scared, bloody. It was sure to leave a mark but that didn't matter. I looked tired, disgusting, 7 years more than my age. I didn't look happy. I looked like trash. I wiped my face off with the towel and shut it closed.

I walk back out to the entrance, tapping on the metal bars. Old fat man popped up, nodding at my presence and sliding back all my belongings. I gather my things from him and walked past the eyes of women.

I feel the weight of myself being dragged down, it was a feeling I could never forget; the period where my life fell apart.

The next place I ended up tonight wasn't where I expected myself to be. A little tipsy and high off a joint, I knocked on the door. I turned the handle and knob a couple of times, slumping on it till I heard quiet footsteps and the turning of the lock. It clicked and I glanced up, pulling her into my arms.

"T-Tae, what are you doing here? S-Stop." She said, pulling on my hair gently. I pulled back and pushed her into the bedroom. She has a slight whimper but nonetheless followed my pull.

"There's a lot that you don't know about me. You don't know anything about me."

"I don't because I don't know why you walked out on me." She said, touching my hair tenderly. Her eyes filled with tears.

"I had some things on my mind."

"Tae . . . I missed you." She said, but I cut her off when I pressed my lips against her. She needs to be quiet, for now.

My hand trailed down her body as I hiked her dress up. I brushed her hair to the side, kissing the back of her neck as she tilted it for me approvingly.

The way her hand tugged at my shirt, or how it occasionally touched the side of my face. She caressed it but so unfamiliar to me it threw me off.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see. I don't want to see.

"Take me to bed, make love to me." She purred. I smirked against her neck, turning her around to press a kiss on the top of her brow.

I buried my face into the crook of her neck as we spent the night tangled with each other. My hazy mind and aching self was too much, I needed her.

I felt the exhaustion weigh on me as I got off her and sunk into the bed sheets. She wrapped herself around me one last time as I kissed her hand.

I woke when I felt my hand graze over skin. The warmth was foreign, the scent wasn't something I was used to at all.

I glanced over to see her figure. She turned around and I muttered a curse under my breath.

Juniel.

Shit. I went to her last night drunk, high, and in need of relief. Fuck, of all people I could've went to.

"Good morning, baby." She said quietly, snuggling closer to my neck. I caresses her bareback, kissing her on the forehead. I longed for that warmth.

I hummed. Her finger kept trailing along my neck and I felt so fucking uncomfortable. This was so damn wrong. But I have no reason to worry about it.

Still, I abruptly sat up and turned my back against her. "Juniel don't look for me. Don't call me."

She sat up and brought the covers up with her, covering her bare chest with it as I got dressed.

"You can't just ask for a quick fuck and then leave me alone."

"What makes you think you can stop me."

"I-I told you that I loved you. You walked away. Tae, it hurts." She whispered.

"I don't want a friends with benefit type of thing Tae. I've liked you for a long time." She said rather quickly, grabbing onto my hand as I shuffled on the bed.

Is this what it feels like? To tell someone something so precious but you can't because you don't feel that way?

I guess it's different because she's just a one night stand, but for Stephanie I'm not a one night stand. Hell, we were together, it was a relationship. It was just a matter of time till she told me, all what Stephanie needed was time.

I was there, our relationship was there. Steph just needed to be sure of herself right?

"I'm sorry. I can't. I don't see you that way." I said, pulling my hand away from hers.

"It's that Stephanie girl isn't it? The one all over magazines and tabloids?" She says, narrowing her eyes at me.

"Don't talk about her." I gritted through my teeth, hating how everyone has something against her.

"What's so special about her? We had sex last night. You keep coming back to me Tae. . ." She said, grazing my bareback with her fingertips.

I turned around and pinned her to the bed, arms above her head as I kissed her feverishly. She groaned into my mouth and pushed at me to stop for a moment but I didn't.

I pressed harder against her and ripped the sheets off her.

Juniel's hands went to unbutton my shirt quickly before spreading it, running her soft palm over my abs that reminded me too much of Stephanie.

I pulled away and she whimpered. I looked at her and chased the images of Stephanie in my head away. My heart ached, it hurt too much to think about her when I'm doing an act that I think is a total sin.

Stephanie and I. We've broken up. We're no longer together.

I didn't have to keep faithful, I didn't have to worry about keeping my distance away from women.

I didn't have to stop drinking because Stephanie didn't like it, or stop smoking because she also didn't like that.

I didn't have to stop doing all of those things now because were over. She ended it and I walked out. A couple no more, our relationship smothered out.

But I felt like a criminal whenever I did commit my crimes. I drank as soon as I left. I dragged out a cigarette an hour later and this evening I already had another girl in bed.

It felt wrong. I did the things my Stephanie didn't like and I felt like it was wrong because I'm still so madly fucking in love with her.

She was still my number one girl to me.

"Tae?" Juniel whispered softly. I snapped out of my face and looked at her, still hovering above.

"Why'd you stop?" She asked again.

"Sorry." I muttered, my thoughts on Stephanie still lingering.

I pulled Juniel closer to me, kissing her trying to erase everything I ever knew.

Yet again I woke up to her bare shoulder infront of my eyes. I sighed, unwrapping myself from her as I sit up. I pull on a loose shirt as I check my phone, nodding in satisfaction when I see the text I was expecting.

Hyung: They're at Gastown.

I pull on a jacket and had my right foot out the bedroom door, but when I heard some shuffling I turned my head back, staring at the woman underneath the covers. With the dim lights illuminating her face slightly, I sigh out in relief when I see she's asleep.

I drive past the familiar lights, LED signs, dark tunnel lit up poorly with small light bulbs. I was going well over the speed limit but I didn't care anymore. If this gets me killed then so be it.

I turned to the right, heading into a covered corner with a blue tarp draped over it. I opened the door and climbed out of the car yanking it off to reveal a hidden passage. I looked behind me, making sure no one was following me as I got in the car again and drove in.

I pulled up against the stone wall that had metal railings on the side. I remember Eunhyuk slamming my head against one because I forgot to take one of his rival's beloved car.

I looked up and grabbed the edge of the stone wall above me, pulling myself forward as my feet had trouble finding a stepping stone to leverage myself. I exhaled against the wall as dust started to spew in my face.

I pushed myself up the ledge and patted myself clean, watching the onlookers as they immediately stood up, asking me who I was.

I walked past them as my Oxford shoes clicked softly on the concrete.

A guy had his gun out and immediately pressed it against my throat. I smacked it away and elbowed his temple, walking to the suited men at the gambling table.

The entire room stood up, drawing their guns but I never broke my stare at the guy with blonde hair, hating that colour since my days back here.

"Something wrong, Kim?" He said, placing his cards in the middle of the table.

"Help me kill Eunhyuk." I said bluntly.

"And why would I wanna do that." He said, crossing his legs while throwing a poker chip in the air and catching it.

"Jonghyun. . . both of you want to be chairman and with Uncle Lee Soo's health declining, the election is not far."

"Eunhyuk sent you many times to kill me, to sabotage my fucking jobs. What makes you think I can trust you?" Jonghyun shifted in his seat and I knew his hand was on his switchblade.

"I could've killed you right now. But I haven't."

"Huh." He said, picking up a bottle of beer and sipping on it like a dick.

"We were allies, brothers. I was a red pole leader. Does it ring a bell, big guy?"

"Our past has nothing to do with the both of us right here right now. Answer me, what makes you think I can trust a douche like you?"

" I wouldn't come to see you if my ass is on the line, I'm open contract for fuck sakes. I have a million dollar bounty on my head right now as we speak."

He starts laughing hysterically. "I'd make myself a million dollar richer right now."

I smirked, swallowing the lump of saliva in my throat.

He scoffed.

I dragged my foot along the wooden plank. "My kill count is up to the hundreds. I can add a few more here." I said as I broke the silence. He stared at me, eyes wondering places as he shut his jaw shut.

"I heard he messed with your girl. Tiffany, was it?" He said, sipping on his drink obnoxiously.

I nodded, correcting him as I called her Stephanie. I liked her name like that, it's so pure to me. Every time someone calls her Tiffany I can't help but think of the bad things. Nick called her Tiffany. So id Eunhyuk. "He tried to."

"You got backup?"

"Yeah, old connections. We got our safely till we drove Eunhyuk out of the city. He doesn't know where I am and I don't know where he is. The guys operating somewhere else."

He didn't say anything and let the murmurs of his guys echo in the shitty tunnel.

"Look, I'll tell you everything you need to know about him, from his jobs, to his dealers, suppliers and the colour of his underwear."

Jonghyun snorted and gave me a crooked smile. "Mother always told me to never talk to strangers."

Fuck this guy.

"This stranger remembers the day you robbed a woman in front of her 2 kids at the age of 17. Who was the one hid you away from the cops? Who was the one who took a beating for you from your triad? Who was the one who walked on foot for hours to deliver a damn lunch to your mom because you were too pussy to face her? This stranger." I said, pointing to myself.

"What do you want?" He growled.

"No trouble, just for us to work together again. For now."

"No, what do you want." He pressed again.

"Freedom." I said, holding my head up high.

"That's it?" He questioned with so much disbelief in his eyes.

I nodded, turning my head slightly to just see even more of his goons gathering around me with a gun in their hands. I'm either going to walk out here without a scratch or many many many many many bullet holes.

"How do you know I won't just kill her myself, and you?"

I let out a grunt. "You wouldn't touch my girl. Because I saved yours."

He grips the plastic chips in his hand, looking away at his wrist. "She lived."

"Barely."

"She still fucking lived."

"She wouldn't have without me. You remember, down in the deep dark cold waters of Aberdeen Bridge where no one could've reached her." I said in a hushed voice. I felt myself getting more electrified than I should have been.

He unsheathed the blade on his felt and in an instant had me bent down on the table with the knife pressed up against my throat. I smiled at him sweetly, loving how I can push so many buttons on so many people.

"Shut the fuck up. You don't know how powerful I am, you don't realize how much I've gained since you were gone." Jonghyun growled in my ear. I felt his hot breath spread against the side of my head.

"I wouldn't have gone to you if I realized that you fucking mutt. I need to kill him, I don't want to come back. I want absolutely nothing to do with this fucking triad."

"Fuck you. I'm not helping you."

"I saved your fucking sister, I was the one who got you where you are in this place now. I treated you like my brother and I ask for a favour and you can't even do that for me? I left you alone for years. Wake the fuck up Jonghyun, stop putting on this bullshit, acting like some tough mobster. I come as a friend, a brother."

"You left me alone! You left me alone here in this fucking place without taking me with you! Where the fuck were you Taeng?" He pulled the blade away from my throat and punched me square in the nose. I didn't expect that. My head was knocked back a good bit and I cupped my face, wiping off the blood streaming out of my nose.

I sat on the table and glared at him. "Fuck, didn't know you had a serious punch. The fuck were you doing while I was gone? You've been working out? Protein powder? Milk? Steroids?"

"Taeyeon, stop the jokes. Where the fuck have you been? Why did you leave? Why didn't you take me with you, why didn't you say anything?" He said, throwing the blade on the table and sitting back down on his hair. He gestured for the entire room to do the same and they returned to doing what they were doing.

The loud chattering, bottles clinking and the smell of wood burning resumed.

"I went back to Korea for a bit, I just left when Uncle Lee gave me the okay. I didn't have time Jonghyun, I had to leave."

His eyes narrowed at me and he squinted. "You didn't answer my other questions."

"Well you have a lot of fucking questions, I can't remember them all you dick. Sheesh." I said, grabbing the pocket square in his suit jacket.

"Gosh." I muttered out, throwing the bloodied cloth back at him. "Man, the only reason I didn't take you with me was because if you went along with me it would've been dangerous, plus I didn't want to get you killed."

"Taeng, I wanted to leave with you so bad. I wanted out too but look what happened. I turned into a red pole, I can't get out." He said, looking at me with such bitterness and at the same time with resentment.

I feel like shit now. I didn't think I'd come back to the guy I took under my wing. We were such brothers, best friends. Then I left and I didn't tell him. He has every right to hate me. Every right to not help me.

"Sorry." Was all that I could manage to say.

He got up and slammed the table, pushing me on the shoulder before slapping me on the face. I snapped my head back, about to bark at him for beating me silly.

He raised his other hand, wanting to meet my skin with the back of his hand but I grabbed it centimeters before it hit.

"I always asked Mrs. Choi how you were. I didn't forget about you. I can't forget the scrawny fucking boy who dragged me out of that cargo container before it exploded."

"Why didn't you just. . . say something to me?"

"I don't know. I guess I was just afraid."

"Don't tell me that bullshit. The Kim Taeyeon afraid? Get out of here."

"You miss me a lot, come on lets be real."I said with a smug smile. Jonghyun's back.

"Didn't miss your ugly face though." He said,finally cracking smile. I smacked his shoulder and turned around. I took the bottle of beer from his chair and downed it, throwing the bottle somewhere in the corner.

"I have a plan." I proposed.

He held his hand up, stopping me from even continuing. "You're going to kill him. You fucking psychopath. Lets do it." He muttered.

"That, is my plan." I said, smiling while I pulled out a cigar from my jacket, lighting it up and handing it to him.

"We kill him."