4. HUNTING
It was a long week. Bella was growing more anxious every day. I wished she would relax more, that she would trust me to protect her. She had to know that I would not allow anything to happen to her. With everything we'd been through she had to know her life was my existence. Instead, she was restlessly waiting for the day her life would end.
With graduation fast approaching, so was my time to convince her to change her mind. Bella was planning to have Carlisle change her immediately after graduation. I was hoping to stall her and have more human time with her. There were many experiences I wanted her to have, many more things to come, but it all rested on her being human. Leaving me to come up with plan in a hurry.
Without a plan and no way of getting her to change her mind, I was left feeling apprehensive. I had one plan, but I refused to rely on that alone, there had to be another way. I could think of anything else that would work, not one reason for her to remain human. I desired her soul to remain intact, but I knew it wouldn't if she became a vampire. With time quickly running out there had to be something I hadn't thought of.
For now, I would bring Bella to my house where my family could watch her closely and protect her. Even though we were all guarding her, she remained panicked. She wanted to push up the date of her transformation, something I was not pleased about. Everyone attempted to reason with her, expressing their views on her safety.
Carlisle had said. "There are seven of us, Bella. And with Alice on our side, I don't think Victoria's going to catch us off guard. I think it's important, for Charlie's sake, that we stick with the original plan."
Esme had said, "We'd never allow anything to happen to you, sweetheart. You know that. Please don't be anxious," and then kissed her forehead.
Emmett had said, "I'm really glad Edward didn't kill you. Everything's so much more fun with you around."
Rosalie glared at him. She didn't think Bella's presence was fun, she thought it was dangerous to have her around.
Alice rolled her eyes and said, "I'm offended. You're not honestly worried about this, are you?"
"If it's no big deal, then why did Edward drag me to Florida?" Bella demanded.
"Haven't you noticed yet, Bella, that Edward is just the teeniest bit prone to overreaction?"
I was extremely offended by that statement. I wasn't overreacting; I believe I was just exercising preventative measures. Was it really overreacting to remove Bella from a place of danger and bring her to a safe place? If I were truly overreacting, I wouldn't have brought her back. I believed that was the best way to handle the situation.
Jasper had silently erased all Bella's panic and tension with his talent of controlling emotions. She was reassured and stopped pleading to change the date of her transformation, which put me at ease, for that moment at least.
As soon as we walked out of the room her fears returned. She began prattling about what would happen when Carlisle changed her. I wished that Jasper's gift would last longer because this was a subject I wasn't comfortable discussing. I didn't want to encourage her in her quest for damnation leaving nothing left to say. I refused to offer any kind of support, except the offer I had presented to her previously. When she finished expressing her opinion, I offered the only comment I could.
"That's between you Carlisle," I said. "Of course, you know that I'm willing to make it between you and me at any time that you wish. You know my condition," I said with a smile.
My condition was simple; in order for me to change her, she would have to marry me. I wanted her to tie herself to me in every human way before I would take her life. Her desire to have me change her would hopefully be enough to have her say yes. I hoped that might buy me some time knowing that she had such a strong aversion to marriage. But with the option of having Carlisle change her I knew she would do everything in her power to persuade me to do it instead. And I would, if she met my condition first.
Alice had searched the near future for any danger and saw nothing. As much as I was opposed to leaving, Bella insisted I go hunting with my brothers on Saturday. She could be very persuasive.
"Go have fun," she told me. "Bag a few mountain lions for me."
Even though she appeared to be cheerful and supportive, I knew how much she hated when I was away. When I first returned from Italy I had refused to leave her. I had promised never to leave her again and I meant it. But as time passed, and my thirst grew harder to hide, she all but kicked me out the door when Emmett and Jasper wanted to go.
I left Bella a reminder on my pillow.
I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me.
Look after my heart –I've left it with you.
My time spent away from Bella was always miserable. When I was away my mind filled with memories of the months I spent without her. These were memories I didn't care to have, but if I didn't go with my brothers they would never stop harassing me, and it wasn't worth the fight. So I would go and suffer through the time to make everyone happy, and hopefully my family would stop worrying about me.
I left Alice to watch over Bella. She was under direct orders to watch Bella carefully. If anything happened Alice was to call me immediately. She wasn't allowed to take care of it herself… she was to call me at once. I was certain she had learned her lesson after the disaster that happened in Italy. Alice would not betray me again.
After expressing my opinion about La Push and the werewolves, I was certain Bella understood what was expected. With Alice watching I hoped Bella wouldn't attempt to see Jacob. I knew Bella's opinion too; she wasn't as concerned about the dangers as I was. She believed she would be fine around the wolves, which had me worrying that she would attempt to see Jacob and that was far too dangerous. Even after the night I disabled her truck, I wasn't certain she would stay away.
Emmett and Jasper ran freely through the forest, while I complained. This had become the norm with us.
"We're going too far," I spoke.
"We haven't even gone that far. Besides there's nothing around here. We're going to have to go further to get anything good," Emmett said.
"I don't want to go to this far," I answered.
"We know, but too bad. Stop complaining and start hunting, Edward," Jasper said and then used his power on me, making me calmer than I was.
I wish that they could understand, that there was a way to make them see what I felt. I knew I sounded like a whining little child but that wasn't my concern, she was more important. Being this far away was the hardest thing for me, and the anxiety that spread through me was excruciating. To me it was hardly worth the risk to be away, if something were to happen and I wasn't there….
"Edward, we are not leaving until you hunt. You decide how long we'll be here," Emmett offered.
"Emmett, please," I returned.
"Nothing is going to happen. Alice would let us know. Stop worrying," Jasper interrupted.
"Fine," I agreed, reluctantly.
Getting up, I ran ahead of them. I caught the whiff of a familiar scent. It was my favorite, a lion. My instincts took over and I was preparing to hunt. Off to the left about a half a mile down he was hunting too. I took off running. It was so easy that it wasn't even fun anymore. This was simply survival and had nothing else to offer me. Having only one purpose now, all of this seemed unimportant.
That was a continued sore spot for my brothers who always loved hunting with me. With no meaning for me anymore, except Bella, there was no possible way of explaining it to them. To appease them and Bella, I would tag along, but that didn't mean I had to enjoy myself anymore. The only enjoyment I had now was my time spent with Bella and when I wasn't with her I was miserable.
Hunting had now become a necessity and nothing more. The fact that I had to leave was not pleasant. Most of the time I remained close to home, but on occasion when forced to, I would venture out a little farther. Never more than a few minutes away from Forks, for I would not miss the opportunity to rid the world of Victoria. I needed to be here for her next attempt.
"Edward, if you don't stop worrying…" Emmett yelled.
"It can't be helped, Emmett. There's just so much that can go wrong, I…" I answered.
"Edward, get a grip. This is becoming…" Jasper interrupted.
"I know, Jasper. But I…"
"Edward, you have to stop. You have to let someone else help you. You can't watch her all of the time. Alice is there and she's watching, she'll take care of her. I promise," Jasper pleaded.
"She will try, but that doesn't mean…"
"Stop, Edward. I mean it. This needs to stop."
Deep into this conversation my phone began to vibrate. Shock overwhelmed me, as I knew there could only be one reason anyone would call me right now. Pulling my phone from my pocket I flipped it open, to see who it was. I recognized the number. At the same moment fury blew threw me.
"What's happened Alice?" I asked anxiously.
"She took off, Edward," Alice said.
"What? Where did she go?" I shouted.
"She disappeared two minutes ago, I'll give you two guesses," Alice answered.
I shut the phone as anxiety flooded through me. How could she do this? Especially at this time? She knows what's at risk. For her to take off and head to La Push at this time was outrageous. She knew that I couldn't protect her there. She also knew we couldn't see anything that might happen to her while she was there. She had utterly lost her mind. How could she do this to me?
"What's happening Edward?" Emmett asked anxiously.
"She's gone to see him. I have to get back," I answered.
"Edward, if she's gone to La Push…" Emmett said.
"I don't care, I'm going back," I shouted.
I was not able to hear their reasoning and I did not want to know there was nothing I could do, here or there. I needed to go back; I couldn't let this happen. I didn't want her to be on the reservation so I had no choice but to go and bring her back. Could I not do that? Was it not my place to bring her back? What else would they have me do? Sit and wait for her to return? And what if she didn't return, then what?
With that thought I took off running. Thoughts flooded my mind of all the things that could happen to her. The anxious feelings overwhelmed me and I was truly scared. Running was a good thing as it eased some of my tension. Bella was with Jacob and I was somewhat grateful, for I knew he could protect her, he wouldn't allow anything to happen to her. If there was anyone, other than myself, who didn't want anything happening to Bella, Jacob was that person. Seeing into his mind, the few times I had, there was nothing he wouldn't do for her. But, for her to sneak off and, not feeling the need to tell me what she was doing was very aggravating.
Reaching the front door, I heard the conversation that was flowing inside the house.
"Carlisle, I didn't know. I would have stopped her," Alice was explaining.
"I know, Alice. I know," Carlisle answered.
Flinging the front door open, I entered.
"What the hell were you doing?" I yelled at Alice.
"She made a split decision, Edward. There was nothing I could do," Alice pleaded.
Emmett and Jasper came through the door. Jasper must have caught whiff of the fury blowing around me because he ran right to Alice's side.
"I knew this would happen. I warned you, but no, you told me it would be okay, that you would see anything…" I shouted.
"I'm sorry, Edward. There's nothing I can do if she refuses to help me," Alice shouted back.
"Don't blame her, Alice," I yelled.
"She's right, Edward. If Bella wanted to go there was no stopping her," Carlisle interjected.
"Calm down, Edward. She's with Jacob, she'll be okay," Esme offered.
"Okay? She can't be okay with him. He's more dangerous than Victoria," I said.
"Now you know that's not true," Carlisle said.
"Do I?"
No one seemed to have an answer to that.
"I have to go and get her," I said anxiously.
"No!" Carlisle said.
"Yes, I have to," I shouted.
"Edward, you can't break the treaty. She wouldn't want you to," Carlisle said in a soothing voice.
"I can't just sit here and do nothing. Carlisle, you have to understand," I pleaded.
"Of course, I understand, Edward. But you can't do this. She'll be fine," Carlisle responded. "She's with Jacob. He wouldn't hurt her and he wouldn't let anyone else hurt her. It'll be alright."
Tensions ran very high for a moment. I needed a moment… to process everything. Turning, I headed out the front door, which had remained opened. Once outside I paused on the porch. Not sure where I was going or what I was doing, I froze. My brain froze and nothing would come to me. I didn't know what to do. That had never happen to me before because I had always known what to do, but I didn't know. Emmett and Jasper followed me out the door.
"Edward, if I thought for one minute she was in danger, I would be joining you in going down there," Emmett offered.
"I know, but this is too hard. I can't sit here and wait," I whined, knowing I that I sounded like a pubertal child again, but I couldn't seem to stop it.
"But you must. We can't break the treaty for this. We just… can't, Edward," Jasper begged.
"Fine. I won't go. Yet," I snapped, my anger back in full force.
"What do you mean, yet?" Emmett snapped back.
"She has until noon to get back. If she's not back by noon, you won't be able to stop me."
Turning, I walked back into the house.
"Edward, it'll be okay," Alice spoke.
"You don't know anything, so please stop," I said.
Going up the stairs to my room, there was no use talking about this, I wasn't getting through to anyone. Walking into my room, I slammed the door shut, hoping that would deter anyone from entering. Some of the best-laid plans….
"Edward, I'm really sorry," Alice pleaded.
"It's all right, Alice. You were right, there was nothing you could do," I said. "I'm sorry I raised my voice to you."
"It's okay, I deserved it. I should've…."
"No you were right, if she wanted to go and she found a way. There was nothing you could do," I offered.
"Why? Why wouldn't she tell you, Edward?" Alice asked.
Knowing the answer, I couldn't tell her. The thought was too painful and I didn't want to explain it.
"I don't know," I said softly.
"I'll leave you alone. Again I'm sorry," she said as she went back out the door.
I was confused I couldn't understand what had happened today. Why she would do this? Certainly I'd made myself clear on this subject. For her to just ignore my wishes was unacceptable. What do I make of this? I should've anticipated this. I had anticipated this. So why hadn't I listened to myself?
The longer I sat there the more my mind began to wander. I thought about what they were doing at that moment. What would he do with her, now that he had here there? I knew he would try anything to get her to stay. Was I okay with that? Could I accept if she wanted to stay? I wanted her to make her own decisions, but could I handle it if she chose him. How would I accept that?
Imaging… envisioning my life without her was impossible. Since walking into my world a year and a half ago, my life had become hers. Everything was for her and her happiness. I didn't know how to exist without her anymore and I wasn't sure I could exist without her. During the months I was away from her my life was a meaningless space of existence. Did I want to return to that? No, the answer was always no.
If Jacob was prepared to fight for her, then so was I. If having me fight was what Bella wanted, then a fight was what she would get. Proving my love –that I was the meant for her –would become the first priority on my list. I would show her that I was the best choice for her. That it was I who would love her the most.
As for Jacob, he hadn't seen anything yet. I definitely had more to offer than him. After all, he was a child, an infant really. I'd lived many more life times than he had and could offer things he could never even think of. This wouldn't be much of a fight, but I was ready for it. Apparently, Jacob wasn't going to fight fair, but I wasn't ready to stoop to his level… yet.
I shouldn't be worried about Jacob. What could he really do that would change Bella's mind about me? She already knew everything he could share with her about my family and me. He was probably coming up with a new strategy as I sat here and waited for her to return. I would have to pass by him sometime soon to figure out what he was thinking. I needed to know his plan to figure out one for myself. Apparently I needed a plan. Today had shown me that, if nothing else came from this horrendous day, I knew I needed a plan.
What were they doing at this moment? He was probably walking with her on the beach, a beach that was banned from someone such as me. She'd told me about this beautiful beach that I could never go near. It sounded appealing and I wished I were human so that we could share it together. The thought of her walking along the shore with him….
My mind was running wild with thoughts of what was happening in La Push. The fear of Victoria returning was nothing compared to the fear of Jacob and Bella.
I needed to stop these thoughts. I needed to fill my mind with other things. Could a vampire go insane? I was positive this was insanity and that I was going mad. I wondered what it would mean to actually be insane. Were all of my thoughts about Jacob and her insane? Could she really leave me for him? I knew it was a possibility, that she could leave me, but would I allow her to go? I'd have to… it had to be her choice. It was always her choice.
That's enough… enough speculating on what may or may not happen. With each passing moment I was becoming more and more furious. Mad was not the way I wanted to greet her when she returned. Approaching her angry would not go well. Regaining control before she returned would be my focus now. There was only one way to accomplish that and that was to stop thinking about what they were doing right now.
What could I do to occupy my mind? What would make me forget what was happening right now? There was nothing… that could make me forget. Emptiness washed over me like a tidal wave spreading through me like a flood. The pain was excruciating and I missed her terribly. Although, I knew Bella was safe and I was positive she would come back, I still missed her. I felt as though she would call at any moment, to announce she wasn't returning, that she chose to stay with him, and that would crush me to my very core.
These thoughts swirled my mind not helping with my angered state. These thoughts brought fresh anger to the surface. Was there no way to stop these thoughts? Was there no way I could stop thinking? I could do that… I could stop thinking. How hard could that really be? Okay that's it, no more thoughts.
It was impossible to stop my thoughts; they flowed so unwillingly. Well, if I couldn't stop my thoughts, perhaps I could change them. And just how was I to do that? How would I not think about the most important thing in my life? I'd have to find something else to think about. Again I came up with nothing… not one thing to think about, other than her.
If I had to think about her, then I would think about good memories with her. Alice's vision flashed through my mind of Bella on her wedding day. This was the memory that had gotten me through my darkest hours in the many months away from her. Bella standing in a long white lacy gown, on her wedding day and she was human. Having asked her to marry me, could this possibly be our wedding day? I hoped it was –mostly for the fact that she was human –that thought pleased me.
If she married me and she was still human that meant I had convinced her to wait before becoming one of us. My wish was for Bella to keep her soul for as long as possible. And if she were my wife and human, perhaps we would attend college. That thought sent pleasure throughout me. That would be my dream –if I could dream –Bella and I attending college and Bella remaining human. Those are the thoughts that I wanted to have as memories and hopefully one day they would be.
I wondered what college she would elect to attend. I hoped that it was not Alaska. Bella could do better than Alaska. Personally, I was pulling for Dartmouth, I was certain she would really enjoy classes at Dartmouth. It had a full complement of night courses for me, a huge forest area with plentiful wildlife. She would love college and I was certain I could get her to attend… if she remained human.
Shock rushed through me as the anger began to spread again. How could I sit here and dream about things that may never be, when she was out there with Jacob doing God knows what? Wanting something and actually getting them are two very different things. Sitting here thinking about them wouldn't make them true, no matter how much I desired them to be. Believing we would marry and go to college was just ridiculous when she was off with him.
Was I just kidding myself with this whole relationship? Did I see things that she didn't? Was I wrong putting my demands on her? I wondered if I was wrong, as usual, about the choices I had made. Perhaps she would be better off with… Jacob. He was more human than me, and he did love her. If I were to leave again, would she go to him? She almost did the last time I left. If I had just stayed away a little while longer, she may have ended up with him. Did I step in the way of her fate again? Was she meant to be with him?
With no definitive answers to the many questions I had, I wondered what my place was now. Where was I meant to be? Do I remain here and force Bella to choose between us? Do I continue on as if nothing happened? Or do I fight to keep the one thing in my existence that brought me happiness and love?
Fighting… that was answer… I would fight for what I wanted. I would fight for the one pure thing in my life; fight to keep her in my world… forever. The fighting would never stop until the day she wanted me to stop. I began this with her choice and it would always remain her choice. That was the one thing I knew for certain.