As always everything belongs to Stephanie Meyers.

5. EMOTIONS

Those were the worst hours of my existence. My patience was being stretched tighter than piano wire. Sitting there, waiting until noon –the time I had allotted her to return home was –agonizing. My mind sat on the brink of insanity with the all the possible ways she could be harmed. How could she do this to me? She knew how I felt about her being in La Push. She knew how I felt about her safety being around the likes of Jacob Black and his pack of dogs. It was unacceptable!

Again, I felt the overwhelming to go right down there and drag her home, and again, I had to hold myself to the couch. I used every once of strength I had to remain here and wait. I put my fingers to the bridge of my nose because I was certain I had a migraine, it felt as if it was going to explode. I had a million thoughts swirling my mind that were moving so fast I had trouble keeping up with them all. My sanity was being tested and I was failing miserably.

There were too many things that could go wrong in La Push and I couldn't be there to help her. And what if Victoria showed up at this time? There would be nothing I could do, especially if Bella remained over the boundary. My family would never allow me to cross the line. I shifted my thoughts to finding a way around my family. There had to a way for me to get by them. I could slip out my window and run, after all, I ran faster than any of them. That could work…

"Edward?" Alice's voice interrupted me.

How could I forget Alice?

"What?" I snapped.

"No, Edward. That's not the way."

"Geez, you ever hear of privacy," I said angrily.

"Sure, but not when your about to do something stupid," she replied.

"I wasn't going. I was just occupying my mind," I said with a clipped tone.

"I know I thought maybe you could use some company," she offered quietly.

"Why Alice? Why would she do this?" I whined to her.

"Edward, she misses him. He's her friend," she answered softly.

"I know, but…"

"There's no but, Edward. He was there for her when you weren't. She feels she owes him this, to be there for him when he needs her," Alice attempted to explained.

"Alice, I can't handle this, I can't," I pleaded.

"You have to."

"I did this to myself. I should've listened to you last September, when you told me not to leave. Since I didn't, this is my punishment," I said putting my head in my hands.

"Edward, she's not punishing you. You're punishing her," she clarified.

"Stop it. I don't want to hear this anymore. Please leave," I begged.

"Fine, but know I'm watching, we won't allow you to go there," she warned me.

Alice turned walking out of my room, while I continued to hold my head in my hands. Confusion ran through me rapidly. What do I do now? Could I just sit here and wait? If I ventured down to La Push, what would happen? I was plagued with too many questions that I had no answers to. That was unlike me… I was always the one with the answers. And, having no answers was a difficult concept to comprehend.

Bella was my life and it felt as if my life was being ripped away from me. How would I let her go? Our relationship couldn't work if she insisted on being friends with Jacob. How could that possibly work? She couldn't have it both ways. She would have to choose him or me.

Time passed slowly as it always did when you watched the clock. I had no idea where I gathered the strength to remain in my room. I was struggling internally and almost lost a few times. On more than one occasion I stood up getting ready to leave, but would fall back down on the couch and remain. There was a on going battle and every instinct warned me to go get her, but my mind keeping telling me that she would be okay.

Perhaps I was wrong, again… Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time. If it was that hard for Bella to give up Jacob, then maybe her place was with him. Her feelings ran very deep giving me the impression that she couldn't –not wouldn't –but couldn't let him go. If that were the case, then I would have let her to leave. I would not force her it had to be her choice. And from her actions today, I was afraid of what her choice may be.

Tic tock, tic tock, the clock ticked away with all the speed of a snail. I had Alice watching and providing me with the precise moment she left La Push, when she did? I couldn't even contemplate that at this time. I was too furious to even begin to think about what I would say to her when I finally rest my eyes on her again. Until she returned or until noon arrived I had to keep myself busy, which seemed impossible at the moment. I had had enough of hiding out in my room and went down stairs in search of something to occupy my time.

My family had gathered in the living room the subject of their discussion being guess what? You guessed it, the only subject that seemed to exist in our house lately. The conversation ceased as I entered, but their thoughts preceded them. Everyone's main concern was whether or not I would take off for La Push, break the treaty and in turn start a war. They had been discussing what they could do if that were to happen. That made me angry.

"I'm not going. You can stop worrying," I said with chagrin.

"Edward, we are worried," Carlisle said.

"Well stop. I give you my word. She has until noon. I won't go there before that," I promised.

"Fine. But what if she's not back by noon. You know what will happen if you go there. This will mean war against the wolves. We'll have to leave," Carlisle explained.

"Not we… just me. I will let them know I've acted on my own, that you had nothing to do with it. I will not drag you into this," I attempted to reassure him.

"You know that won't mean anything. If one of us breaks the treaty it will mean we all did. If I thought for one moment she was in danger I would go with you, Edward," Carlisle reinforced.

"I know. Let's not discuss this anymore. There's nothing more to say until noon."

I sat on the couch as everyone else went about their business. It left me feeling worse then when I was in my room. Not only was I worried about Bella, now I had my family to consider, too. When had my life become so difficult? How had I allow this to happen? And more importantly, how would I change it?

Here I was again, doing the one thing I dreaded most in the world… waiting. How had I always seem to end up in this position? Waiting to see how my life would change by other people's decisions. Perhaps, it was time for me to take control of my existence, deciding what I wanted and going after it. Why couldn't happiness come down on my side for a change?

I hoped to shift my thoughts as I went and sat at the piano attempting to calm my nerves. I pulled the memento from my pocket –a bottle cap from my first lunch with Bella –and began playing. My fingers flowed easily across the keys as I played Bella's lullaby. The soothing sound of the music worked like a charm. That had always been the one thing that could always make me feel better and I always neglected it. It was criminal the way I could come back and pick up right where I left off, but I was glad I could.

Esme flowed into the room and sat beside me on the bench. She always loved when I played and I attempted to do it for her as much as I could. I should play more because it could take me to a world that I could create. Music could be sad, glad, angry, it could be anything I wanted it to be. Transforming the world around me and pushing away all of my problems.

The song came to a dramatic close and Esme patted my leg.

"Play another song, please," she encouraged.

After a moment I played her song, after all, it was her favorite. She sat beside me beaming love. Her thoughts were just as soothing.

Edward, you know I love you. She loves you too. She will be back, she offered.

Smiling I continued to play her song. How could one person carry so much love? She never faltered, never wavered, and I wondered where her belief came from. How could she be so sure about Bella and I, when I wasn't? Knowing how much I loved Bella, I wasn't convinced she felt the same. She couldn't, a human couldn't feel this much without it breaking her fragile body. I was certain she couldn't love me as much as I loved her. If she did, she wouldn't have done what she did today.

Esme's song came to a quiet halt. My fingers sat on the keys not moving. Not knowing what song to play next, I sat in silence. Esme patted my hand.

"Edward, she loves you. You have to know that," she said softly.

"I do. I'm just concerned," I answered quietly.

"I know. It'll be over soon," she leaned over and kissed my forehead.

Esme got up returning to her room up stairs. I remained seated as I peered out the window. Esme was right, and I knew it. Bella did love me and all of this today was… well, I wasn't sure what it was. What I knew for certain was that I wouldn't give her up without a fight. If he were willing to fight for her, then so was I.

That was it… I could no longer sit here and do nothing. Rising from the piano, Emmett immediately came to me.

"Where you going?" he asked curiously.

"Out to the garage, I have to get out of here," I answered.

"I'll come with you," Emmett offered.

I knew I wouldn't get out of this house without him so I didn't put up a fight. Emmett followed me out to the garage where we found Rosalie working on Emmett's jeep.

"Good, just in time, I need a jack," Rosalie called out.

Emmett went right to her side and held up the jeep. Leaning against my Austin Martin I watched.

"How are you doing, Edward?" Rosalie asked, regretting it the moment she asked.

"Fine. What are you doing?" I asked.

"The jeep needed a tune up. How's your car running?" she asked.

"Fine, it's running really good, thanks," I answered.

We remained silent while Rosalie worked on the vehicles. It was pretty amusing that she would pick fixing cars as her hobby considering how she always felt the need to appear beautiful. To pick something that would get you dirty and mess with your hair, but somehow she could crawl under and around the car and remain looking the way she always had.

I started to think that I needed a new hobby. Something that I could take my frustrations out on, piano playing was just not cutting it anymore. I needed something more hands on, something that required a hammer. A slug hammer would be preferable. Okay, so I was getting carried away, I was entitled to I was having the worst morning of my existence.

Could time drag any slower? My thoughts were running amuck again and just when I thought that I was about to go completely mad, Carlisle joined us.

"How are you holding up, Edward?" Carlisle asked.

"I'll be fine. I gave you my word. I'll wait till noon," I answered a little short.

"I know. I have all the confidence that you'll do the right thing."

"How can you have such faith in me? When time and time again I prove you wrong?" I asked.

"What are you taking about? You've never disappointed me," Carlisle offered.

I glared at him while raising my eyebrows.

"I'm always bringing trouble around. Why do you put up with it?" I asked softly.

"Ahh, Edward, love can make us do crazy things. I don't blame you. This will all work out," he said with a fatherly tone in his voice.

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"Your welcome. You going to be okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. You don't need to watch me, I'll keep my word," I responded.

"I know you will, it's what happens after noon that has me worried," Carlisle stated.

"I know."

That was all I could say to him. I was unable to promise that I would wait any longer than noon, I was already busting at the seams to head down there now. I'm surprised I've been able to control myself this long. I knew that once noon came there would be no stopping me. I wished I had the kind of control that Carlisle possessed, that seemed impossible, and I knew I couldn't promise that.

Time was at a stand still and so was I. That morning dragged on and on. I wanted it to end, one way or another, but I was also terrified of the outcome. There were two possible outcomes of this day and facing them was the most excruciating thing. My wish was that this day would turn out the way I desired it to, but somehow I had the pain of knowing it could go the other way.

The worst-case scenario, the one I was dreading, was that she would chose Jacob and leave me. That was the worst thing that could happen. That would put an end to my existence and I knew I would never remain here for that. To see her happy with someone other than me would be enough to kill me. The possibility of leaving this existence was only feasible if she were happy and safe. If she left me for him, she would be.

The scenario I was hoping for was that she would figure out how dangerous Jacob was for her and refused to see him again. That was the best scenario I could think of. Although, I had the feeling it wouldn't be that easy. For her to return today with a complete disregard for him was unlikely. She would probably return with a stronger bond with this werewolf, and there would be nothing I could do about it.

What was probably going to happen was she would return with the same story she always had. She would attempt to convince me that the wolves were safe and she was just his friend. She would want to carry on a relationship with Jacob. She would want me to accept this relationship. She never saw the truth because she lived in an unrealistic world, a world that couldn't be real, no matter how much she desired it.

My thoughts turned to how I would react when she came home. What would I demand of her? What would she demand of me? Her dreams of me accepting her relationship with a wolf were crazy. And, if that statement were true, then I suppose my dreams of her ending her relationship with Jacob were just as crazy. Where would that leave us?

An impasse, not the first time I had used this word in our relationship. Here was another time we couldn't agree… another time there was no compromise. I had always assumed that love would find a way, but I couldn't see a clear vision of this problem. The longer I worked toward a resolution the farther apart we seemed. Was it too much to ask this one thing of her? Would I do the same if she were to ask me? Yes, the answer was always, yes. Saying yes to her brought such pleasure to me, I would always say yes to her, not matter what she asked…

Okay, I hadn't said yes to the one thing she wanted, but that was completely different. She wanted permanent changes in her life. Actually, she wanted to end her life and I had said no, but that was far and away more serious than this problem. There was no comparison in the two circumstances. We were talking about ending a friendship over ending a life, no comparison. It would be unfair of her to equate the two situations. They weren't equal and never would be.

Was I really asking too much? Was I wrong to feel as I do? Was this all about her safety or was I… jealous. I had never had those feelings before so I wasn't quite sure. Why would I be jealous of him? What could he possibly offer her that I hadn't already? I couldn't be jealous! I only wanted her to be safe. I only wanted for her to be happy. But, what if I alone couldn't make her happy? What if she needed him too? How could this be happening? Where had I go wrong?

That was easy to answer… leaving her when I had was what I had done wrong. Paying for that momentary elapse in judgment would never end. I was prepared for a lifetime of making it up to her. I never thought it would require me to allow her to step into dangerous situations. I never signed up for that one, I always attempting to protect her and this felt very wrong.

"Edward, are you in there?" Emmett interrupted my train of thought.

"What?" I snapped.

"I've been talking to you for awhile, what are you thinking about?" he asked.

"What do you think?" I answered.

"Snap out of it, Edward. She's going to be all right. She'll be back," he added.

"I'm glad you know that, because I'm not certain that's the truth." I said quietly.

"Well, I'm sure. I've seen you two together, there's no denying that," Emmett said.

"Emmett, do you think I'm…" I asked refusing to say the word.

"What? Edward. Do I think you're what?" he asked.

"Never mind. It's just crazy talk," I said brushing off this conversation.

"No. What? Do I think you're what?" he demanded.

"Jealous…" I could barely say the word.

"Jealous! Huh… I never thought of that," Emmett thought.

"Yeah. Do you think I'm jealous?" I asked.

"Why would you be…?" Emmett asked confused.

"I don't know. It's not unheard of," I said.

"Jealous…" that sent him into a deep thought.

Not exactly the answer I was hoping for. Evidently I wasn't going to get an answer from Emmett. I needed someone who would understand this better. Someone who may have more experience with this type of problem, I needed to find Carlisle. I left the garage and headed for the house.

Walking into the house I ran into Alice who knew what I was seeking and attempted to hide her smile.

Carlisle's in his office. If you ask my opinion… she began before I cut her off.

"Thanks, but I didn't ask," I told her.

Not wanting to talk to her about this, what could she possibly know? She'd found her love quite easily. She never had these types of problems. Her and Jasper were obviously made for each other and never had anyone come between them. Since she couldn't remember her human life, she wouldn't be able to help.

Carlisle, on the other hand, may be able to offer some guidance. He remembered his human life, plus he had been around a lot longer than the rest of us. Going to his office I waited at his door.

Come on in, Edward, he offered.

"Carlisle, do you have a moment?" I asked.

"Sure, is this about your noon deadline?" Carlisle asked.

"No, not really. I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Bella. I need some answers…" I explained hesitantly.

"What's up? What's the problem, besides the obvious?" Carlisle questioned.

"Well, I was wondering if I were just worried about her safety or if there was more…" I couldn't finish.

"Edward, do you think… Do you think you're jealous of Jacob?" Carlisle asked.

"I… I… I'm…" I couldn't say the rest.

"Go on Edward, get it out."

"I don't know if I'm jealous. It concerns me. I don't want to act on jealousy and I'm not sure if it is jealousy. How would I know?" I asked.

"Edward, follow your heart. Your heart will guide you. You'll know what to do."

"Are you sure?" I questioned.

"Yes, Edward. You follow your heart and it will lead you in the right direction," Carlisle said.

"Thanks, I'll try," I said quietly.

"Edward, stop worrying so much, everything will work out," Carlisle said with confidence.

"I'll try. Thank you. I'll talk to you later."

"Edward, are you going to be okay?" Carlisle asked softly.

"I don't know…"

I ended the conversation and walked down the hallway to my room. Settling into my couch for the second time that day, I was prepared to wait out my time. It was coming up on the noon hour soon; it was time to decide on a plan for what I would do when that time came. Was I really prepared to go down there and drag her home? Was I prepared for everything that would come from my actions? Yes, the answer was always, yes.

Going down there would end our treaty with the wolves. Was I prepared to start a war? I wasn't certain about that, but I knew there would be no stopping me when that dead line arrived. There was no force great enough on this planet to would contain me when noon arrived. Going there would make her angry, angrier than I was. She wouldn't see my point of view. That I knew for certain.

I made a mental a list of the things I knew for certain. One, she would be angry. Two, it would start a war with the wolves. None of that would help my argument of how dangerous Jacob and his friends were. Starting a war would make it appear that I was the dangerous one, especially if I went down there and dragged her home. She would see that as dangerous, proving to her the monster I was.

Hearing Jasper saying Alice's name pulled me from my thoughts. Her vision flashed through my mind quickly. The moment of truth had arrived. Bella was leaving La Push. That was my cue to leave and before I knew it I was on my feet heading for the door.

Edward, handle this carefully. Please, Alice begged as I flew by.

Running, I jumped in car and was speeding down the driveway before anyone else could say anything.

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