Stephanie Hwang
I walked to his night stand and pulled open all the drawers.
The photo of us wasn't there anymore and i had tears in my angry eyes as I scavenged through every nook and cranny of his room.
Drawers, tables, desks, underneath the bed everywhere.
I cried while doing it, sobbing so hard when it hit me.
The photo taken was the day I knew I loved him. The photo within the frame found on his nightstand was the day I confessed.
This day that I couldn't find those two things I adore so much was the day I knew it was so over.
I crawled onto his bed and laid on his side. For the days I haven't been close enough to him, I wanted to smell his scent.
But the pillows and blankets didn't have Tae all over it. It seemed like he never even slept here, in his room.
If anything it smelt like me more. I turned on my side and eyed the black phone on the table.
My hand instinctively reached over it and turned it on.
The lock screen didn't have our photo anymore, instead it was just a picture of the sea.
It had a passcode on it and I wondered if he changed it since it was cheekily my birthday. He told me it was easier to remember than his own which I don't understand, I think it was just an excuse to do that. I still smile at the thought of it.
It opened, to my surprise. The home screen was a picture of me, and only me. I dropped the phone back onto the bed and covered my face with a pillow.
God, why am I doing this.
I eventually went downstairs but it was so awkward after I stormed out. Is this what prison feels like, because I feel like I'm locked up in a room with a person who makes me want to vomit.
Someone who once made me laugh, smile now turned into a person I despise. Someone I don't stand for, a cheater.
I don't know how I can grow to dislike a person so quickly. Maybe it's because he was someone I love and him doing this is just so unexpected.
I felt his presence join me a few moments later. It made me clench my weak fist. I don't need help, I don't need his pity. I was fine alone, I can do it again.
"Miyoungie, please?" He said, placing a hand on my hand gently. He squeezed it ever so slightly and it hurts because I still want nothing to do with him.
"Why are you so pushy! Why do you keep helping me!" I shouted, pushing him away but I didn't realize the frame in his hand.
It fell and I widened my eyes, staring at the wooden frame with glass shattered everywhere.
Prince came over and sat beside it, laying down as he looked at me with sad eyes. He didn't wag his tail.
The open door from the balcony blew a gush of wind which flipped the piece of paper over. I realized that it was the same photo of us by the pier that I cherished so much; the one I was looking for. I thought he threw it away or something.
I spent forever looking for that photo and frame. It wasn't mine, but I loved it.
Just like before when I pushed him away and smashed the plate with the sandwich, refusing to eat, he knelt down once again to pick up the picture frame.
"T-Tae I-I didn't mean to."
"No, it's okay." He says as if it didn't phase him.
"Taetae, it's not okay. I'm so sorry."
"It was an accident. it's okay." And with that, we returned to a stalemate. During dinner I felt so incredibly bad for what I had done, I ate with him at the dinner table for the first time in forever.
I always looked up cautiously just to see what he was doing. He just ate and shoveled food at quickly as he could in his mouth like he wanted to get it over with.
I felt so guilty, but I didn't know what to say. I scraped the spoon on the bottom of the bowl, making some sounds to erase the quietness of the eerie room.
It was so stupid awkward and right in that spacious living room. I wanted to hide in a shell and just never come out.
"Sorry." I said. He looked up and hummed.
I stole a glance from the side to see if he reacted but he didn't. I had this feeling that we would be stretched out, or relationship so strained that it for further and further apart.
I excused myself from the table and was going to clean up the dishes but amidst Tae wiping his mouth clean with a napkin, he put a hand on mine and shook his head. "I'll do it. Go get ready for bed or something." Was all he said.
Which I complied. I did what he said probably out of guilt. It's not like I wanted to stir up another shouting match between us again.
I carefully went downstairs to get myself a glass of water a while later. Well, I kind of wanted to see if he was there. I was curious.
The open door that caught my eye beside the kitchen made we walk there as I followed the path of light.
I leaned against the doorway, holding onto the protruding door frame as I watched him slouched over on the desk, piecing together meticulously the wooden picture frame. On the side was that propped p picture of us at the pier.
I saw how he took such care with the wooden frame, applying a thin strip of glue on the edge before placing the other piece of wood on the side. It stuck together perfectly and he smiled as it did. He rose it towards the light and blew the dust off it.
He placed a new piece of glass over it and turned it around, slotting in the picture of us before sealing it up and propping it against the desk. He stared at it for what seemed like a long time and I didn't have the heart to interrupt him or to tell him to give us up.
He stroked the side of the frame and when I realized that his thumb was hovering over me, my heart clenched.
I leaned against the wall, grasping the material of my shirt as tightly as I could.
What we had was, special. It was something. It wasn't like a fairy tale like I had intended to be in the beginning, but it was something.
My heart still pounded as I struggled to stand up. I didn't want him to know I was here. I wanted this to be my own little secret.
I turned around and left quietly, careful not to make any sound as I tiptoed against the wooden floor. I tried to minimize the creaks of the floor but when a sudden shock of pain hit me in my leg I had to grab onto a nearby table.
I gently lowered myself on the floor as it was too much to even stand up straight. I kept patting my right leg, urging for it to wake up, to not fall asleep and to just carry me back to my room at least. I didn't want to bother Tae. I didn't want him to see my like this, pitiful, useless and a complete and utter burden.
I crawled on the floor, my right leg tingling in sensation as I dragged it alongside me.
I couldn't move, it hurt so much to the point where I bit my lip to stop any sounds from happening.
My hands kept padding along the floor, moving myself away from the living room and across the hardwood floors.
I inched and inched slowly towards the stairs, looking up to see the challenge I had to face.
I breathed out and grabbed the stair's railing column. I pushed myself forward, putting my left knee on the wooden board and urging myself forward.
Slowly I got up a couple of stairs but when my body could no longer support myself I leaned on the stairs, bursting into tears.
I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around to see Tae.
He bent down and looked at me with sad eyes.
I don't want him to see me like this. But I'm still so hung up on him. Why can't I just leave him? I don't know.
He cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. I pulled his hand away quickly and there was a slight change in his face.
It hurt him, what I just did. I'm so sorry.
He picked me up effortlessly in his arms and made his way upstairs.
I grasped the back of his t-shirt, pulling on it as a protest albeit weakly.
He opened the door to my room and settled me in bed, opening a window for me as he circled around my bed to puff up my pillow.
My leg started to feel like it had knots tightening, it kept pulsing for some reason. It felt cold, it felt numb there were too many rough sensations that surged me for a few seconds, those few brutal seconds. I tried so hard not to show pain, to hold my screams inside but it had scared me.
When I saw the his back, I immediately grabbed his rough hands. I pulled at it gently and he turned around quite confused. I opened my mouth and urged myself to say something, anything. I needed him with me, right now.
"T-Taetae, it hurts so much. Please stay, j-just for tonight." I whispered. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me into his arms. My face nestled nicely into the crook of is neck as I inhaled sharply at his scent that I missed. I didn't push him away this time. I actually wanted him close to me.
I'm so indecisive.
He patted my back and I felt him kiss the side of my head.
I kept whimpering even though I told myself to be quiet. I didn't want to burden him anymore than I already had but when my brain registered the ache on my lip, I knew I bit on it to suppress the pain.
"Fany-ah, it will go away." He asked, caressing the side of my body so gently. It got me feelings things again but I knew a few moments ago I wanted him gone.
"It hurts doesn't it?" I nod my head and he kisses my temple and massages my leg for me. His soft touches made my insides stir and I didn't know if I cried because of the pain or if I cried because of how much I know Tae loves me despite this being such a small gesture.
"Shh, shh. Stop crying, I'll take care of you I promise." He says as he holds my hand and softly grazes his thumb over it. Were facing each other and through the soft light from the night lamp I could see his concerned hazelnut eyes. His soft quiet voice made my heart swell bigger for my big bear.
When he brushed his fingers on my cheeks and kissed the tears away, I clutched onto the back of his shirt out of habit and fear that he'll leave.
He was getting off the bed but I held him by his rough hands. "Please don't go Taetae." I manage to croak out to him.
"I'm just going to get something to patch you up, I'll be back I promise." I let his hand go and a big part of me had so many regrets. I didn't want him to go at all, I wanted him to stay here with me.
He comes back in with my little monkey stuffed animal and a first aid kit. From the small lamp from the room I could see his cheeky smile. He pulled me to sit on the edge of the bed as he nestled my stuffed animal into my lap.
He knelt on the floor and he placed my foot on top of his knee, taking out the white bandage and wrapped my ankle around it gently and looked up at me every so often.
I felt his love through his tender glances and his kneeling position struck my bank of memories, and I felt so much better. He's so strong, so tough and he always knows what to say when I'm upset or something. He rarely looks broken down, beat up or breaking. It's something I admire him for. His willpower and his ability to withstand the pain even if it hurts on the inside or outside.
"It hurts so much Taeyeon-ah." I quietly whispered and cried out as I wipe the tears away from my face with the back of my hand.
"I know, I know. It will get better soon, It won't hurt forever. Let's sleep it off Fany-ah." He pulls me gently into his arms and lays down. I carefully drape my leg over his and he makes sure I'm comfortable before he turns off the light and kisses the crown of my head.
"I love my stuffed monkey." I mumbled against him as I propped the soft plush on Tae's chest.
My plushys beady eyes remind me of Taeyeon's derpy cute face and I giggled quietly.
"More than me?" I didn't reply. Of course, I couldn't love a stuffed animal more than him.
"It reminds me of you though." I smiled against his chest, hiding my face shyly.
I stayed awake as I rested my cheek on his body, going along the flow as his body rose and descended slightly when he inhaled and exhaled. I felt so, lost.
How he helped me take a bath, how he protects me, to the lunches he made for me, to the way he took care of me. There was not a reason to hate him, to chase him away.
Love, hurts. Love, is hard.
I fell asleep, but when I woke up he was gone. It was a repeat every single day now. Everything is awkward and weird. We act like strangers in the blink of an eye. I hated it because when I did sit up from the bed I was so use to seeing a big body beside me, sleeping with loud snores, occasionally scratching his ear. Sometimes if I was lucky, I'd witness him sleep talk math equations. That was my Tae.
A large part of me still doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. For the sake of myself.
The next week was uneventful and it kind of ticked me off. I don't know what was looking for from him anymore. It was weird, really.
I hated how he walked by me without saying anything, yet I can't really blame him. I didn't say anything to him too. We ate in silence. We watched TV in silence. Both of us even watched Prince run around the yard in silence.
I didn't want to be like this. Can we even be friends after this? I know we broke up, that we called it off. We haven't seen each other in two months and I'm still quite confused.
Does your ex take care of you like a lover does? Try to bathe you, cook dinner for you despite being the worst cook known to man? Does he do laundry for you and fold them just because? Does he check up on you every night every hour just to see if you're okay? Does he get up early in the morning to run a bath for me and make sure I get a healthy breakfast just so I could get better faster?
It didn't matter. He did all of that, yet when it came down to just us lounging around we spoke nothing. We did nothing. I felt like I wasn't 'living' anymore.
Nonetheless it still continued. I didn't have the confidence to talk to him. So I didn't.
I sat on the porch with a book in hand, absorbing my thoughts into it as I listened to mother nature doing it's thing. I hadn't' realized the click of the porch door opening and the footsteps till Tae cleared his throat. "Here's a plane ticket back to San Francisco. You leave tonight." He hands me the ticket and a package.
"What?"
"You said you wanted out. Go back home to your family. As long as you're here you'll never be free. 18K will come for you."
"I know you like it here in L.A. and I practically ruined that for you. But inside I transferred a couple years worth of money to your account. You will live comfortable for quite some time. I hope this somewhat compensates for that even though it's not the same."
"No, Tae I don't want thi-"
He turned around and shook his head. He had his hands in his pockets and looked so relaxed.
"No take it. It's the least I can do."
"I-Is there something you. . . want?" I asked quietly, running my fingers on the envelope.
He shook his head. "I'm selfish. Of course I want you to stay here with me but you're not happy. Honestly, if you aren't then I don't want to do this to you."
"I want to say that we can make it work, find a way to be together and to go back to normal. I'd say something along the lines of putting my best effort in to take care of you. I want to convince you to stay. That's something I'd normally do, right? But you're not happy despite all that I do." He continued, staring at the floor.
"I don't want to force you anymore. I've done it so many times and it just turns out bad in the long run." He finally says in a hushed voice.
I opened my mouth to say something but it wouldn't come out.
"It's okay, don't worry about it. Just go, okay?" You gave up on me Tae?
"Okay."
He sounds so different, so put together and complex.
He went into the kitchen, pulling out ingredients probably to make tonight's dinner.
I watched him as he washed vegetables, saw him cut them into quarters.
He pulled out a pot and filled it with water, placed it on the stove and turned the heat on high.
He did things so quietly and with such sorrow. Its like he felt like he owed me something, to take care of me.
That night I sat down to eat dinner with him but I sat a bit closer to him. When we watched TV I chose the sofa closest to him.
I told him so many times I wanted to leave, I wanted him to leave but when the opportunity came up I was reluctant to take it. I kind of don't want to go?
But when the clock struck 8 and I had to leave at 11, I let the reality sink in as I sat in between my luggage and my clothes sprawled out everywhere. Whatever I had left, or whatever I did bring from the remains of my house was here with him.
My hand was digging around a drawer and I felt and saw the familiar tin box in the corner. I opened it and there were those coins wrapped in light blue paper.
I totally forgot about that. I left it here. It was a bittersweet memory. We never finished. 61 days, 29 left to go.
My fingers played with one of the little packages, touching the corners of the neatly creased paper.
I absentmindedly zoned out and my finger flipped the paper open and I caught a glimpse of a black ink on the inside.
My curious fingers pried or open and I carefully took out the gold coin out of small pocket the paper made and stopped breathing for a second.
Day 32:
Today was a good day. Well, for me at least. I kind of accidentally slipped and scraped my knee trying to get Prince on his leash. You laughed at me, fucking bully. . . Anyways, you had a purple bandaid and you made me sit down so you could put it on my knee. Little did you know I kept the damn packaging because it was hella cute. For the record, I am not a big crybaby.
- Taeyeonie
I kept reading and reading them, my hands urgently had to open every single one of them.
Day 4:
I think you've witnessed the dumbest thing I have ever said yet, and I've said some dumb things. I asked you if a sheep and a lamb were the same thing. I've never been hit so hard with a folder of papers before. I've also have never had someone lecture me about my knowledge about animals and then proceed to give me a 12 minute lesson about basic animals. I am sincerely sorry Ms. Hwang. :(
I'm going to be honest, they look kind of the same do they not?
- Taetae
I laughed, I cried, I called him an idiot and I smiled as I read them.
Day 27:
You know, you're really cute. :) And I love you and the cute shit you do :) Especially when you fall asleep on me. It's cute, really cute. :)
- TaengoBear
My Taetae. My little brown bear.
All of the 61 coins in my possession had a little diary written in the paper that wrapped the coin.
It told the story of the day we had together, the memories, the laughter, the happy times, the good times of us. It was only positive vibes.
I didn't know. I was so clueless. I didn't think he was so serious about this coin ultimatum thing. I didn't think to look inside the small coin packets he gave me, I didn't know there were notes written inside.
He cherished everyday with me. He didn't stop, he kept going and going. He never missed a day.
He told me he loved me and I believed him.
He said he didn't when facing someone else.
But this, this trumps everything. I can't deny no longer that he does. Of course he does.
I know he does because I refused to believe that he'll grow through so much with me, to do things like this for me, to brush my hair aside when I'm talking to it won't cover my eyes, to give me his jacket to cover my legs so perverted old men wouldn't stare at me, to tell me awash every night before we went to sleep that he loved me.
He's done so much, and I know that.
But seeing this just sets the bar so much more higher. He's done a lot for me, and it's the little things. These little things.
Day 53:
The day you told me you loved me, was the day we also. . I'm so sorry.
- Taeyeon
Towards the end of the paper there was a bunch of scribbles and words crossed out. He didn't finish the note. He didn't finish it, and I remember that day so clearly that I started to tear up.
Tae, the day I told you that I loved you, was the day we also broke up.
I went through all of those coins. Every single one of them. The floor was a mess of blue paper. Coins all over the floor and I was sitting around them just lost for words. This is too much I told myself.
After realizing what this damn ultimatum mean to him, I can't be angry at him anymore. It lessened that persona and stigma I had attracted to him. In a way, it kind of erased it.
There were still imperfect smudges, but it was clean enough. Good enough. He's still that giant gentle bear. Gentle Taeng.
He has a good heart, good intentions. He means well.
But I still dragged my luggage behind me and went out the door. I still got into the car and drove to the airport.
It didn't stop me from leaving.
When I had to go past the gates I waved at him very briefly. I expected some heart wrenching goodbye. Like the ones from the movies.
"Fany, wait." Well, here it comes. I turned around anyways, anxious to hear what he had to say.
"I-I want to tell you something. It's important." He said, scratching the back of his head as always when he's nervous.
"O-Okay. . . go on." I said skeptically.
"You saw the video, of me and Juniel right?" I nodded and bit my lip. I never in my life want to see it ever again.
"You know, I didn't mean to 'cheat' on you. I didn't mean for all of this to happen. And I also know whatever I'll say now will not change that. I understand. But, in a way, I forced it to look like that. Just so they can leave you alone and get her."
Wait what.
"You can't just use another person as bait Tae! They'll go after he or yet try to kill her like they did with me!" I grabbed his arm and shook him. Oh my god please don't involve someone else.
God you're so stupid Tae.
"No, listen. You know her as a celebrity singer. But she's also part of the 18K too. She's manipulative, crazy and a total bitch."
"She's untouchable though. She's the chairmans like 'adopted' daughter or some shit. If they kind of mess with her all she has to do is run to him."
"Why use her as bait if she has so much power." I asked, still unimpressed but a little relieved.
"They have nothing on me. I'm valuable. I do jobs for the guys, I used to be a leader. So if they have her and they think they have something against me, they can control me. It's their last resort if they can't get to you. But I could care less about her. She's done things that aren't good. . ." He never finished his sentence but the ache in my heart started to disappear.
It still doesn't make up for the fact that he touched another girl in inappropriate places, or that he kissed someone else but. . . in the end of the day he did it for my safety?
"I never meant to hurt you. I-I thought it was a good plan you know? It was smart at first, but it ended up just. . tearing us apart. I have regrets." He says, blinking back his tears.
"I-I had to let you go for a bit. I wanted to sort things out between me and the 18K. I got so scared when they took you. If I wasn't here who knew what would've happened Fany-ah. I was so scared for you." He ran his hand through his hair, gulping the lump in his throat.
"I sold everything. I gave up everything just for you Fany-ah. My life long dream of just living quietly. I gave that up. I joined the 18K. I came back and there's barely a way out but I did it knowing that if that slight chance can be that I will have my dream with you then I'll do it." He continued his endless ramble.
Please don't say those things, because I never asked you to give it up.
"That night when you told me you saw bad memories than good memories with me, is the moment I knew I lost you. What hurts the most is that it's the opposite with me. I see so much happiness when I think of us, yet you're here thinking differently. It hurts." He said so quietly.
"Why didn't you tell me then I said you cheated on me? Why didn't you tell me when I said I was leaving?" I said, pushing him on the shoulder.
"I don't know. But it shouldn't affect anything because at the end of the day, what I did was wrong." He muttered back, scratching the back of his head looking so tired.
"Tae. . ."
"Do you know the things I've done and sacrificed for you? I-I feel like, it's gone to waste." I frowned, stepping back and letting go of him.
Don't say those types of things Tae.
"I don't love you because of the sacrifices you make or events we went through. It's not about those events, it's not about how romantic you made one of our dates. It's because you do little things, like ask me how my day went before you told me about yours. You said good morning to me before you checked your phone. Taetae, you came and visited me at work while I was teaching kids because you just did. There wasn't a reason as to why you came, but you did. I love you because of the that. Those consistent little things you've done for me." I said, looking straight in his uncertain eyes.
"I won't have feelings for you who's actions are heroic like. That's not what I'm looking for. I don't love you because if you'd take a bullet for me, jump in front of a car for me. There are reasons behind your actions and I love the reasons, not the action. I don't know, it's complicated to explain but I don't need you to play hero for me."
"I don't love you because you sacrificed your dream for me. I didn't ask you to. I don't love you because you took those beatings for me, I don't love you because you helped me escape that warehouse Eunhyuk kept us in. I am thankful to you for doing that for me. Thankful Taetae, there's a difference." I wanted to hold him. He looked so, lost.
"Do you remember when I told you? I knew I loved you when I found the picture of us on the nightstand beside your bed. This was in your safe house Taetae, there's no photo of us in your actual home back in the city. Why?" I asked when he just stood there listening to my talks.
"It's easy for them to follow me to the house in the city. If they see that photo of us, they'll know you'll mean something to me. They'll use you against me."
"Well that's too late now, don't you think so?"
"It was already too late." We let the silence just linger around. I gripped the handle of my suitcase tighter, still so unsure.
He pulls my arm gently and I just had to look up at him. "Did you really believe that I stopped loving you?"
"When you said it while looking straight into my eyes without even the slightest flinch or regret, yeah. I didn't for a few moments but when you started to walk away, I did." I muttered, still hating that.
He hummed and had trouble looking into my eyes. I touched the side of his arm but he still had his head hung low.
"You've loved me longer Taetae, I didn't think you'd quit so fast." I said quietly. He shook his head.
"Fany-ah?"
"Yeah?"
"Forgive, me?" He trails off, fiddling with his fingers. Shy Taetae.
"I will, in time. I eventually will Taetae." I reassured him and when he smiled for the first time in forever it really did get the emotions inside my pumping.
"But I need time. I'm still going to go back to San Francisco. I want to be with my family."
"Will you come back?" He asked timidly with a shaky voice. You're not going to lose me Tae. You almost did, but I always end up coming back.
"Here? No." He furrowed his brows and gulped the lump in his throat down. I smiled and rested the side of my face against his chest, hearing his thumping heart. "But to you, maybe." I whispered in a hushed tone, loud enough for him to hear yet not enough for the whole world to know.
He broke out into a small smile and I felt so relieved. "I'll wait for you?" He said, I shook my head and his expression changed into another anxious state.
"Don't wait for me. I don't know when I'll come back to you."
He pulled me into a big bear hug and even though he was squeezing me tightly, I couldn't blame the guy.
"Start over. Let's start over?" He asked. I didn't know what to say.
"F-Friends, Fany-ah. Let's go from there." He said once more. I sighed, not wanting to start all the way from the beginning.
But it was needed, I guess.
"Tae. I'm going to be late." I muttered against his warm chest. Since when did he switch to a different cologne. It smells gross.
"Okay, okay. Safe flights okay? Call me when you land." He said rather quickly. He pats my back and stood there with his arms resting by him.
"Be good for me, okay?" I said quietly.
"I'll try." He said back, still playing with his fingers.
I stepped a bit back and leaned into his chest, hugging him once more. "Bye." I whispered.
"Bye Fany." He said softly back. I unmatched myself from him and I felt his fingers cling onto my hand a few seconds longer.
I hauled my bag onto the top of my luggage and when I heard the jingling of coins in my tin box, I wondered if he still wants to be with me.
I'm never going to let these coins out of my sight. Each and everyone of them holds a memory of us, it's our saving grace.
Our undying love is kept with me, in a tin box.
I knew from there and then, everything was going to be okay.
We were going to be okay.
Tae and I.