When I started writing this one shot a few months back I never expected the response that I received. It was an idea in my head that I wanted to put on paper and I am so glad I did. Your reviews of this story have been amazing and so inspiring. Thank you so very much. I am thrilled that you are enjoying this AU world.

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So like I said last time, you guys keep reviewing and I will keep writing. The last chapter got 150+ reviews, i have never had a story get a response like that so thank you again and again.

The song for this chapter is Can't help falling in love with you covered by Ingrid Michaelson. I suggest you listen while reading. I have the link on my Pinterest or you can youtube it!

Thank you all again! XOXO PPP

Chapter 3:

I am hanging upside down in the doorway of my Tokyo hotel room, my ankles bound by buckles and thick black straps. The blood rushes to my head and my ears begin to pound. Over and over I twist and contort my body, using every muscle I possess to rise and fall until the sweat drips down on to the floor beneath me. I grunt and crunch until my core burns on fire. I lose count after a hundred and just keep going for as long and hard as I can, until everything fades away and my memories turn black. I can get lost in pain and blackness, it is my home. It is where I live. It is where I am most comfortable and where I belong. To have everything and have nothing is my penance, my hell on earth and I know I have earned it.

There is a blonde sleeping in my bed. Rebecca something or other. I picked her up in the hotel bar a few hours before. Blondes are my new brunettes, after a hundred foolish attempts to find Ana in every brown haired woman who crossed my path I gave up all together and focused my attentions elsewhere. This one is older, reminiscent of Elena only without the malicious intent. She tasted like cheap white wine and cigarettes. She couldn't carry a conversation to save her life. I really didn't care. I fucked her for hours, she came – I did not. I don't think she even noticed.

I release myself from bondage and land with my feet on the floor. The sun is just starting to rise as I pull on my swim trunks, grab a towel and out to my personal lap pool. I hope she is gone by the time I get back. Taylor is already awake; I can hear him doing pushups as I pass the door to his bedroom. He will deal with her like he does all the rest. It's been hard on my team with all my traveling, he and Sawyer take turns with Ryan and Prescott following me around Asia. I have been unbearable and am often surprised that they don't up and quit but then I remember how much I pay them.

I swim in the crisp cool water, lap after lap and after a while my mind goes to its safe place and there is only one word to describe it - bliss. All I see in these moments is Ana swaying her hips and I am at peace. I hear the memory of her laugh and the soft moans as he body moves beneath mine. There is lingering smell of her hair and how soft it feels against my face as I tuck my head into the back of her neck.

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real that it was enough to carry you through your darkest days? Or an experience that was so surreal and perfect that you wonder if maybe it was only a dream. Time passes, days and weeks and years and your memory starts to fade a bit around the edges. The line between your reality and your memory of reality blurs, the scope changes and everything gets really small and far away. I dream of Ana all the time and I wake up not sure if the dreams are real or if I am. I have been counting my life in the matter time spent apart from her ever since I walked out of that bar leaving her in my wake. Nearly three years ago I made the worst mistake of my life and now there is really nothing I can do to fix it. She is lost to me in every way possible and deep down I know it is for the best. I know that I would have been the worst thing possible for her and in those three years in we would have long been over, I would have gotten bored and restless, I would have sent her on her merry way like the others. But I can't help but hear the gnawing voice in the back of my head telling me that she could have been forever.

"I know your soul and that is all that matters."

Her voice is my conscience, or what I remember of it. I wish I could hear it again even just for a minute, just a few words to remind me what she truly sounds like. That would last me for a few more years at least. I think about her more then I should, it is a daily need like breathing air or drinking water. I allow myself a few moments in a morning and a few at night and for the rest of the day I use focus and discipline to keep her voice at bay. It is only now with the soothing water around me and all my energy being used to propel myself through it do I allow myself the frivolity of unabashed thoughts of Ana.

Distraction has been the name of the game; work, women, a bottle of whisky. Fuck I took up race car driving to my mother's dismay and I try to spend as much time out of the Continental US as possible. I have run for the greater part of these years, finding any excuse to leave the country for a month or more at a time for "business". I have found myself in more hotel rooms with strangers in my bed then I care to admit. My family has felt my disconnect, my mother the most of all. She calls me all the time, I never return her calls. There really is no point, everyone is alive and well. I am fine. Why sit around a table and talk about how great everyone is? I don't have the time or the inclination. My parents are still mad for one another after three decades, my sister is in love with Europe, my brother is engaged to a girl I almost fucked once and I am alone. I am acutely aware of this fact when I spend any time with them, so I refrain for everyone's sake.

When the invitation came for my brother engagement party my first instinct was to throw it away unopened. I could not bear the thought of standing in the middle of a party surrounded by people I loathe and love, drinking champagne and toasting the happy couple. It was all I could take for the yearly charity events and that was a good cause. I had planned on just writing them a big fat check and calling it done. I held the envelope in my hand but something kept me from tossing it in the waste basket. I pulled out my silver letter opener and ripped through the envelope and a note from my mother was right on top insisting that I come or surrender my surname. She hit me right where it hurt, my name. I had my assistant RSVP with a yes and for the next month I hated myself for being such a pussy when it came to my mother.

We left for Seattle as the sun set over the Tokyo skyline, the Tokyo Tower sat in the middle like a stiff cock jetting out of the city, it glowing like a purple Eiffel Tower. The sky was violet, a deep hazy purple and a shocking glow of blood orange. Dark black clouds stretched along the sky as we ascended and I silently hoped that they would swallow us up. Sadly nine hours later we landed at Sea-tac, and I traveled 16 hours back in time. If only I could travel three years back in time I would do everything differently.

I walk into Escala for the first time is over three weeks and no matter how long I have lived here this place will never feel like home to me, it is a hotel room that I just happen to own. Gail is up and in the kitchen making a pot of coffee. She smiles and greets Taylor with a smile and peck on the cheek, even my staff has love in their life. She makes us breakfast, eggs and bacon, juice and toast and we silently eat together. She does not ask about the trip or the city, she simply sips her coffee and watched over us as if we were children.

"Mrs. Jones?" I break the silence and Taylor looks up over his juice, I never talk to Gail unless it is really necessary.

"Yes Mr. Grey."

"Do you miss Taylor when he is gone?" She looks at me and narrows her eyes, then she looks at Taylor and back to me.

"Of course I do. Three weeks is a very long time."

"Why do you miss him?"

"Why do I miss him?" She sounds like I have asked her the stupidest question and rests her coffee cup down on the marble counter. I nod once urging her to go on. "Because I love him." Her answer makes my stomach churn and my heart ache. Fuck. I drop my fork onto my place with a loud clang and Gail jumps at the sound.

"I see. You both have the next two weeks off, go do whatever you wish, take the jet if need be." I rise from the bar stool and walk away to their shocked faces and thank yous. I find refuge in my bedroom and my mind races with thoughts of Ana. Is it possible to love someone you knew for only an hour? Is it possible to miss someone so much that you cease to exist until you see them again? Is it possible to love a stranger more then you love yourself?

My parents' house is everyone's fucking wet dream, its sits on a few acres land right on the sound. The house is set back, a large white structure that would be intimidating if not for my mother warming touch. The grass is a lush green, cut perfectly in long straight bisecting lines like a baseball field. Mother has spent over a decade brining in trees and flowers so that it mimics the structure and wild captivity of an English garden. Wild Captivity…

I have been avoiding this place for the better part of the year and now here I am pulling into the driveway. Sawyer opens the car door and follows me to the threshold. He hates this shit as much as I do and for a party like this I allow him to stay in the car. I can already hear the band playing, the gentle touch of the piano and the soft shrill of strings and mixing with a woman's soothing soprano and the laughter of the guests drifting in the air. My muscles clench in response and I wish I could go back to the city, where the noise of horns and chaos drowns out my thoughts. I take a deep breath as I cross over it and put on my game face. It is Mia I see first. She flew in from Europe just for the party. She flies at me with the speed of light, a whirling dervish of pink chiffon and the familiar scent that is Mia, Jean Patou's Joy. She wraps her arms around me and I fight the urge to recoil and embrace her tightly. She is the first person to touch me like this for months, maybe even longer and for a brief moment I allow myself to relax in my baby sister's small bird like arms.

"I am so glad you are here Christian, I wasn't sure if you would come." I can sense the sadness in her voice; it mixes with her youthful inexperience and her motherly concern for me. She releases me and straightens my tie, which was perfectly straight already.

"Mom left me no choice when she told me you would be here." She beamed under my praise and it hit me that my sister is the only women in my life who I have even been able to make happy. All she ever wanted from me was honesty and attention. "If you were flying in for the occasion, I had to as well."

She frowns slightly and links her arms with mine.

"Come on outside, everyone is waiting for you…" I allow her to pull me out the French doors leading to the large covered veranda. The wisteria is in full bloom and the smell reminds me of my childhood, running around the yard on circles watching the clouds dance in the sky. The party is in full swing and it looks like a movie, men and women dressed in pale party dresses men in linen suits, children running around laughing like I once did.

I greet my parents and allow my mother to give me a kiss, this seems to appease her and that is the goal for the day. She asks her usual questions and I give her my usual answers. My father talks to me about stocks and business but I can tell there is more he wants to say. I am here, that should be enough but I know it is not. My family wants more of me, more of my time, more dinners, more birthdays and all I want is less. If not for my company I would have left a long time ago.

"Where are the bride and Groom to be?" I want to greet Elliott and Katherine as quickly as possible; the sooner they see me the sooner I can leave. The sooner I can be alone and plan my next business trip.

"They're down at the boat house with some friends having engagement photos taken… why don't you go join them, darling."

Mia and I make the patronage down the curing path to the boat house, she teeters on her four inch heels and grabs on to my forearm for support. I will never understand the shoes women wear on the pavement that are meant for the bedroom. She knows me well enough to not ask any questions, so she yammers on about her flight and her life in Europe. My phone rings startling us both.

"I have to take this… I will meet you down there." Her brow furrows but she nods and releases my arm cautiously making walking the rest of the way until she is out of sight.

It's Roz my VP letting me know a deal that we have worked six months on and six hundred man hours is falling apart at the seams and she needs me in the office. This deal is integral to the five your plan I have in place for GH and it cannot fail. While I am pissed at her intrusion and the millions of dollars blowing in the wind, I near gleeful that I have a valid excuse to leave.

I take a deep breath and look down the long path of birch trees that lead to the boat house, the light filters through them and I am drawn in down the path instead of turning back and making my excuses to my mother. I am drawn to the sounds of laughter and happiness and the crowd of family and strangers off in the distance. I come up to the clearing and am greeted by a small boy no more than two or three. He looks up at me and smiles with has his arms extended swirling around the yard making airplane noises. Every so often he stops and shakes his head - dizzy, he giggles and then starts all over again. With my arms crossed against my chest I can't help but chuckle in his presence with only fuels him to spin faster. He reminds me of me when I was that age. Only not covered in scars that look like stars.

He runs off towards the crowd and then I see her standing there with her back to me. Her brown hair is twisted up on her head in a neat bun. The sun pours through the thin cotton fabric of her dress illuminating her familiar figure and my heart and body reacts to her presence before my mind has a chance to catch up. I can't see her face, or hear her as she talks to Katherine but I know just from the silhouette of her body that it is Ana.

My body starts to hum like a tuning fork just from being in her manifestation; she is an oasis in the desert. Despite the heat of the day she runs her hands over her bare arms, and I can't see from this far distance but I know her skin is covered on gooseflesh, she can feel me too. I can't believe that she is here… in this place…after all this time. The little boy runs up her tugging on the hem of her skirt, calling her mommy and she lifts him up on her hip as he nuzzles her neck. She plants a kiss on his forehead and they giggle together. My heart aches and grows at the same time, all the broken pieces mending at the sight of her and at the sight of them.

"Leo… Come here I want to get a picture of you…" A lean Hispanic man holding a camera waves him over and he wiggles out of his mother's grasp, smiling broadly calling out the man as Ana waves to him.

"Coming Papi!"

"My name is Christian by the way… named after a lion…"

Everything starts to spiral in my head as it all clicks into place. I have a son, this beautiful boy in mine. She even named him after me in a way. And why the fuck is he calling another man Papi?

"Hi Jose… Oh my god… right now…Five minutes apart… I don't know if I can make it in time I am in Seattle…Yes…okay… yes… I am leaving right now… you tell our girl to hold on until I get there…yes… I said I am leaving right now… okay… bye…"

"I am so sorry Mr. Grey but I have to go, my best friend is having a baby like right now. I am her coach so I have got to get out of here."

Katherine Kavanagh is Ana's friend Kate, it all starts to make sense and I feel sick to my stomach. This is why she was not at graduation because she had just given birth the week before.

"June…I can't wait. Kate says…"

"Kate?"

"Oh sorry my roommate… Kate… she says that graduation is a rite of passage… I really don't care for all the pomp and circumstance but I really want the diploma. I will be the first person in my family."

"Christian, there you are brother." Elliott yells across the yard snapping me out of my racing memories and all heads turn to me, but my gaze is fixed on her as if the world has stopped and she and I are the only two people on it. Her blue eyes widen in shock as she sees me for the first time. She takes a huge step towards me as if she wanted to run into my arms but the panic, anger and sadness sets in and she takes two steps back. Everything is a blur as I am greeted by Elliott and Kate, her brother Ethan and Mia. They start talking to me but I can't even process a word they are saying until Kate grabs Ana by the arm pulling her into my proximity.

"Ana, this is Elliott's brother Christian and Christian this is my best friend and Maid of Honor Anastasia Steele." She extends her hand and I take it in mine and a rush flows through our bodies like water through a broken dam and in that moment we are both drowning.

"It's nice to meet you." My soul quakes at the sound of her voice because it is exactly as I remembered it to be. My cock jerks at the sound and I reminded what desire feels like, true desire. Her cheeks are a bright pink and she gnaws at her lower lip like she is angry at it. She pulls her hand out of mine and stands closer to the crowd.

"And this is Jose and Ana's son Leo." Jose is holding my son on his hip and extends his hand to me, he shakes it firmly and then perches her arm over Ana's shoulder. Leo looks at me with his head cocked to one side, his dark ginger colored hair in curls around his forehead and his pale grey eyes looking into mine. There is silence in my brain as I stare at the small perfect version of myself and for the second time in my life I know what love feels like.

Ana must sense the moment because she grabs Leo out of Jose's arms, making an excuse that it is time for his nap and with deft speed makes her way towards the house. I want to follow her, but Elliott starts talking about getting a photo of the three Grey kids together and I am shuffled towards the water so smile and say cheese for the camera.

She is leaning against the wall watching the party from a safe distance. Her hair is down now, falling in loose curls around her shoulders and she is sipping a glass of pink champagne from a long fluted glass. She looks older, some of her innocence has been lost, and I can see the pain and struggle of the last three years in her eyes. She knows I am watching her because she turns to me, her mouth opens slightly like she is seeing me for the first time and she shakes her head as I walk towards her, silently begging me not to.

"Ana, come dance with me." I take her hand in mine and pull her away from the wall until she resists me.

"No. I can't." A tear escapes her eye rolling down her cheek but she quickly wipes it away like it was never there at all.

"Please…just one dance." The soft chords of the piano begin to swell, a familiar song and she nods once allowing me to lead her on to the dance floor.

…Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you.

Shall I stay would it be a sin…

I hold her in my arms, my hand at her waist her body pressed against mine and we sway together. She rests her head on my shoulder and takes a fist full of my jacket, I share her longing to be closer. I inhale the lost smell of her hair. Vanilla, amber and rose, just a hint of rose.

…If I can't help falling in love with you…

There is so much I want to say, so many words in the corners of my mind that will never find their way to my mouth or her ears. But for now just her being here is enough. I wrap both of my hands around her small waist and pull her as close to me as I can, her breath hitches as she looks up at me. Her eyes are as bright and blue as my memory.

"Christian…" Her voice is full of such pain that I feel a burning at the back of my throat. I press my lips to her temple and run my cheeks against hers.

"No… don't Ana… let's just dance. Okay." She nods once and rests her head against my shoulder once more.

…Like a river flows surely to the sea. Darling so it goes some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you…

I can feel her start to shake and I know she is crying. She presses her palms against my chest and pushes me away. She looks around us and I know people are watching. Mainly because I have never danced with a woman in front of my family, I have never been touched the way Ana has been touching me in front of my family before. I can see the panic in her body language as she locks eyes with Kate and then Jose, shaking her head at them both.

…Like a river flows surely to the sea. Darling so it goes some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you…

She looks at me with sad eyes before turning on her heel and running into the house. Panic fills my chest as follow after her calling out her name. I can hear the gasps of the guest behind me and I couldn't give a fuck.

…For I can't help falling in love with you…