Kim Taeyeon
Friends. Right.
We never did keep in touch after she left. I didn't message her and she didn't either. I was hoping she'd stay after I told her what I did.
That's life, I guess.
But I lay in bed, still wondering how we both went so wrong as I laid beside a naked woman. I pulled my arm away from under her head and sat up, scratching the back of my head as I pulled the covers away and picked up my shirt that was discarded so carelessly.
I got dressed and take another look at the woman in the sheets, opening the door and closing it quietly.
My days were like this.
I dug into my suit jacket and pulled out a cigar but decided to put it back into my jacket. Was too early for a smoke. My car had a whisky bottle in it too, but yet again it was too early to even drink.
I took a deep breath and gripped the mahogany wheel. My drive to work was quiet, uneventful and bleak. Nothing was exactly out of the ordinary. I just found it boring. I did nothing all day.
I rode up the elevator into my office and walked in, staring at the leather chair. Somehow, that intimidated me. It was empty, just waiting for me to sit there. To occupy my empire from right there and then.
I felt like I had so much power, so much choice, freedom. I could do anything I want, I could be anyone I want in that chair.
I was someone to the outsiders. A CEO to most, a billionaire with money to the media, a leader to a triad, but a cheater to one.
I hate that title. I gave myself that title. She acknowledges me with that title.
But in the middle of all that, I felt so empty. There was nothing I want more in my life than to fill that void.
Moving on is different. It's not the same. Those countless girls, can't replace her. Drowning myself in alcohol does not work anymore, getting high doesn't take me to places far enough from where I want to be and I'm running out of options.
I felt pathetic, really. I'll learn to tolerate. My lifestyle, I'll live it as it is but I can never get over that irritating emptiness, loneliness and tragic regrets.
But the 6 months we were 'friends' we didn't talk. But I kept tabs on her. I kind of knew what her life was like now. I never was in the same state as her though, I got someone to watch her for me. Creepy, I know but I just had to make sure she was okay. I can't be there, because I told her that I'd wait for her. She told me not to but I will.
In other news, she got another teaching job at a school, she had a shit ton of friends and by that I mean she is literally a social butterfly. The woman went out with her girlfriends so many times during the week, I didn't know she had such a life. Then, every Friday's she'd go volunteer at a pet shelter, and then every Sunday she went to the church on the corner of the block from her house.
As for her love life. Apparently, she's been talking to this model guy. Lee Cheolwoo or whatever. I think they're dating, but I hope they're not. Just because, yeah.
I mean, I was kind of pissed at first. She said she'll come back to me right. Eventually. But every time I see her with him I feel like the chances are dwindling down. Like I'm being replaced, that she found someone better. She's happy when with him. I've seen the way she looks at him, because she looked at me like that a couple of times. Not all the time. Just sometimes.
So it hurts. But I'll keep waiting for her. Eventually she'll return back to me. I will call her mine, my wife. I will call her my Miyoung again, we will get married, have children and live in a house with Prince .Then, if all goes well I want a damn army of kids with her. She's cute, and we'd have cute babies. Wishful thinking. I'm hopeful though.
I snapped out of my daydream and sat down, feeling the leather arm rest as I sat straightened up in my chair. I fixed the pile of papers on my desk to be perfect, twirled a pen around my fingers as I stared at the door.
"Mr. Kim and Mr. Wu are here to see you." The intercom said. I straightened out my jacket and slicked back my hair.
They both barged into the door, both fighting to squeeze into the door instead of coming in single file like normal adults.
"Mr. Kim will see you now." I said in a low voice.
Heechul turned around and made a disgusted face. I guess it wasn't entertaining enough.
Kris on the other hand. "Fuck off with that 50 Shades of Grey bullshit you kinky fuck. You're nasty." He spat. I threw a pen at him for being a party pooper. Kris caught it and threw it back, except the pen conveniently got stuck into the wall.
"He's landed in San Francisco yesterday. Your intel was right. We should go now." Heechul said.
"Now or never right?"
Kris circled my desk and sat on my lap. "Or, we can not do this and fuck all. He's weird, and a little gay I swear." He said in a girly tone.
I pushed him off my lap and he landed with a thud on the floor. Kris flicks my leg and I was about to kick him but Heechul cleared his throat and puts his phone back into his jacket. "I'm driving. Let's go kids."
"Okay daddy." Kris said with a high pitched squeal. God damn it how is this guy a full grown adult/
Hyung stopped in his tracks and sighed. "You guys got some daddy kink now?"
"Yes daddy." I replied, joining in on the fun.
"God the both of you need to shut up for once." Heechul muttered, rolling his eyes as Kris and I snicker behind him.
I nudged Kris's elbow and he swatted me away. "Heechul's in a grumpy mood. Heh."
"I know right. He's been such an emotional bitch lately." Kris said, with the emphasis on emotional.
"I can fucking hear you. Assholes." Heechul muttered.
We went to one of Eunhyuks operations which he held in a jewelry store. We needed to get a brown envelope with information about his operations and where he'll go next.
Why he landed in San Francisco was suspicious as fuck and I don't know if he's dumb enough to go there alone or he's smart to lure me there.
But I'm a big guy, I can handle a little fiasco.
The place its of, it wasn't big but it wasn't small. It was the store where he sold stolen bling to unsuspecting civilians.
"Hyung, trust in me. I'll take care of the security guy, both of you can go handle the floor." I muttered, switching between rooms on the tablet.
Heechul scoffed and crunched up the soda can in his hand and threw it in the corner."Hm, don't fuck up like you already have." I nodded, still a little uneasy with our relationship between me and Heechul.
I still wonder how close Fany and Heechul were for him to hit me and yell at me like that. He hasn't done that for years, I can barely remember the last time he did.
"I'll go in through the back, take out the security guy and wire the cameras so it'll loop the feed. You two can go through the second floor, there's 3 vents that'll lead into the store manager's office. She has the keycard." I repeated our plan, showing them a blueprint of the store.
"What does she look like."
"Beige and white suit, hair tied up in a bun. The type that'll ask if the lollipop is vegan."
"Gotcha."
"Let's bounce kids."
I looked around me and slipped to the back alleyway, pulling out a bobby pin and a golden skinny rod I stuck it in the lock and went to town picking it.
My hands started to get clammy since it had been forever that I picked again. Either way I carried on and when I heard 5 satisfying clicks periodically I turned the knob and peeked in.
Security guy eating a ramen bowl with his legs up on a table. I dug in my pocket and removed the cap from the needle.
The skinny looking guy freaked out and jumped out of his set, hands on the pager as I gave him a pretty smile and injected the needle into his neck.
He slumped over me immediately and started to drool.
"Fucking gross." I muttered. I sat him up in a corner and gave him a pair of shades. Gotta look cool when you're unconscious, hah.
His pager started to give off static sounds, and the sound of a beep indicated an incoming pager.
"Hey, everything okay?"
Fuck. I made my voice as deep as I could get, like Darth Vader deep.
"Uh, sorry. Wasn't me. You see, my boner touched the pager." I had to stop myself from laughing.
"Dude."
"Sorry man, I'll try to keep my dick in my pants." I said as serious as I could. Man, how can anyone believe this.
"This happened for the third time now man. I can't cover for al these mispages. One more time and I'm sounding the alarm. Got it?"
"Yes sir." And the lien went dead.
Fucking dick.
I stared back at the guy with shades. Heh. He'll wake up in a couple of hours I guess.
I sat on the rolling chair and slid to the security console, switching between the CCTV's as I saw Kris and Heechul pretend like they were shopping for jewelry.
Kris has his hand trailing behind some sale clerks back and I rolled my eyes.
"Stop groping her." I said into the microphone. Kris removed his hand and touched his ear piece, muttering curses at me.
"Mind your own business buttercup. Now, we clear or what?"
"Two securities on the floor. One each corner. Go upstairs from The back and take the one on the second floor. Be careful, manager is there too and she might scream."
They both nodded and gave off charming smiles as they walked outside swiftly before heading outside and up the back alley stairs.
I waited for them to pick the lock as I took the security guys left over ramen and ate a couple of bites.
Shit was so good. Hadn't had a bowl since college days.
"The fuck are you slurping? Dick?"
"Ramen. Spicy ramen."
"Were here to do a job, not for you to do this ASMR shit through my ear piece."
I chuckled and finished the rest of my noodles. The phone in my pocket rang and I chucked the cup into the crash before fishing out my phone.
Jonghyun: I couldn't stall him out much longer, he's going back to the Golden Koi. It's a restaurant off the east side on the street with the marketplace.
Taengo: Aww shit. Think we can intercept his car? :)
Jonghyun: That's too risky brother, just kill him in his restaurant but don't forget the intel.
"Alright boys. Time to lock and load."
The two security guards dressed in white entered the second floor one by one and each time they came we injected the strum in their thighs and dragged them in the corner.
Pretty easy, till the manager who came out of her room was going to scream and cry for help.
I got pretty spooked because she could've caused so much shit, but Hyung was there and tripped her till she fell flat on her face.
He tied her up and left the woman sitting on a chair.
"Just be quiet and we won't tell everyone you wore such a hideous colour to work today." Kris said, shaking his head as he eyed her attire.
She didn't look impressed and I chuckled. If glares could kill, Kris would be disintegrated by now.
"Girl, those shoes with those pants? Not today honey." He continued, critiquing her fashion and I think she was more annoyed than scared of us.
"We have 7 minutes to drill the safe and get the intel and book it to the Golden Koi." I announced, interrupting Kris's talk and Heechul's constant tapping of the table.
"Why are we going to the nasty dim sum place?" Kris piped, eyes still giving judgmental looks at the managers shoes.
"Have you forgotten? That's his new hideout. He had to downgrade. Plus, he'll be there and I wanna kill him with my bare hands."
Heechul cleared his throat. "There's going to be too many people there Taengo. They're expecting us."
"But they're not expecting Jonghyun." I reminded, feeling myself become so gleeful as I stood there thinking about my secret weapon.
"What did you just fucking say?" Heechul said, knitting his brows and tossing his used glove to the side.
I smiled a crooked smirk and threw a load of shaped C4 at Hyung's arms.
I pointed to the safe. "Blow it up, we don't got 7 minuets to drill it."
"The entire fucking building will hear! Are you crazy?!"
"That I am. But I'm not missing the chance to kill him myself." They shook their heads as they wore up the safe. They strapped the C4 on and lit it.
"You think hiding behind an office shrub will shield us from the potential shards that'll fly into our face and decapitate us?" I squeaked, trying to hide myself behind Heechul. Talk about human meat shield.
"Oh shut up." Kris said, smacking me on the head.
"You were always a dick. And a fashion police." I grumbled, rubbing my head.
"Honestly, those shoes with those pa-" I smacked his head back and he whined, hugging the shrub as tight as he could. We looked so stupidly ridiculous trying to shield ourselves on some green vegetation that barely covered our bodies.
The tied up manager was probably like 'what the fuck.'
The timer ticked down and I squinted and covered my ear. The safe's door flew right open followed by a loud bang. It was followed up by freakish screams with people running out of the building as fast as they could.
"We have exactly one minute before the civilians call the police."
"Well, grab the fucking package and run."
Kris pushed past us and grabbed the brown envelope. The guy didn't forget to grab the bowl of candies on the office desk too.
"Dude."
"They're free." He said in defense.
"You stole them, there's a difference."
"Oh shut up buttercup." He replied annoyed. Man, this guy.
The car ride to the restaurant was okay. I guess. I was in the back with Kris. He kept eating all the candy and when I got fed up with the crinkling wrappers I smacked it out of him.
He glared at me with cheeks stuffed with toffee.
"Fucking give me some." I grumbled, reaching over to pluck the gummy jelly out of his hand.
I fucking love jelly.
"You said you didn't want any! You even called me out for taking it and now you want some?!"
"Share you dick head. At that rate you'll gain diabetes I'm doing you a favour."
We bickered back and forth and when Heechul came to a stop light he turned around and hit us both on the head.
"Kids, shut up."
"Sorry." Kris and I said in unison.
We asked him to turn the radio on as we knew every single lyric to Vanessa Carlton's 'A Thousand Miles.' I sing this song loud and proud. We came to a halt and I heard Heechul mutter something."Holy shit." Heechul mumbled. I looked up and peered over the headrest.
The fucking town was in flames, looked like some shit from the apocalypse. Neon street signs were sparks flaring out, cars flipped over about to combust, bodies laying on the floor, civilians running away as guns shots went back and forth.
Our windshield got shot and the three of us took cover. I opened the car door and went out, heading to the trunk to bust it open and pull out a gun. I threw Kris and Heechul one too.
"Take the left, I'll go through the back." I shouted over the blaring car alarms.
"Wait! Where the fucks Jonghyun?"
"His guys are here, he has to be here too. I'll find him Hyung, don't worry." I reassured. He shook his head and Kris gave me some worrisome eyes.
"Die and I'm going to fucking go to hell and drag you back up here you punk. You understand?" He shouted, throwing a flash bang out in the streets. I nodded and Kris patted my back, pushing me to cover to the next car.
As I ducked over the whizzing bullets that sounded like damn wasps near my ears. I pulled the safety off my assault rifle and pulled out the ammo reserve, only seeing at least 20 rounds in it.
There were explosions everywhere, screaming people, the deafening sounds of street lamps crashing to the concrete floor echoed in the tight road.
I went to the back of the restaurant and climbed on top of a dumpster. I jumped to get leverage of the window ledge and pulled myself up, almost slipping but I caught myself.
The grainy grimy concrete smeared all over my hands as I pulled myself over that ledge, crawling over to the skylight. I peeked above and almost died. Literally, 6 guys were crowding the kitchen table with some sort of a fucking map.
I need to sharpen up my skills I swear.
There was commotion inside the kitchen and those 6 men dispersed, leaving me free to open the skylight window and jump in.
I landed on the kitchen corner and instantly the smell of dim sum, and a waft of blood invaded my nose. Those two definitely do not mix.
I had a hand on the holster of my gun, creeping up to the sides of the kitchen walls as I peered into the deserted hallway.
Again, more screams and gunshots rang and it didn't stop. It was constant and there was not a moment of silence, just chaos.
The creaking of the wooden floor board followed by the bubbling of the pot on the stove drowned that sound.
I felt someone approaching me, the creaks got louder and I snapped my head and pulled out my gun, pointing it at the figure right infront of me with a knife pressed up against my torso, ready to slice me to bits.
"Taengo." Jonghyun said with a smile.
I lowered my gun and sighed loudly. "Dude fuck you. Scared me." I mumbled, smacking the knife away as I sulked. He chuckled and sheathed his blade.
"Did you find him?" I asked, trying to settle my racing heart.
"No, but somehow he knew I was coming. As soon as I parked my car it got blown up."
"Our guys went out and now it's like world war 3."
"Uncle Lee isn't going to like this."
"You think
He wants two of his red pole leaders fighting? It'll
Make us look weak against our rivals."
I heard sirens and both of us cursed at the same time.
"Cops, great. More to add to the mess. Good job coming in quiet."
"Oh shut the fuck up. We gotta find the rat before he escapes."
"You think he's hiding?"
"Yeah, he can't leave. The exits are sealed off and the highway from the back is blocked off by our guys."
"Call me if you find him. I wanna kill him myself."
"By all means go for it. I can't do it, uncle lee will disown me for going against my own member. But you can, since your the Kim Taeyeon."
"You make it sound like I'm a king."
"Don't think so highly of your self. King Taeyeon."
I chuckled and put in my ear piece as we both synced it up. I gave the keys to my car and an electronic tracer. Just in case I needed to track the guy.
We parted ways, looking for the damn rat hiding in his hole.
I really did nothing but scout the place and avoid scared customers and dumb gangsters.
I sat on a poker table and played with the chips, letting it fall between my fingers as I periodically ducked out of sight when someone came into the room.
They weren't the ones I looked for and I'd rather not have a mass of dead bodies in the corner as I wait to fish out the one I want.
Didn't want to cause chaos, even though there already was.
I was getting pretty impatient but. "Fuck!" I heard the curse. I know that hoarse voice. My feet paced faster to that direction, sprinting across the kitchen and being stuck into an intersection.
I heard thumping and a couple of gunshots rang and then it fell silence.
My heart pumped, my blood ran thicker inside me and I started to sweat.
I tried to think, where? I paced back and forth, trying to listen again but that sound and person's voice was muffled. The continuous chaos from outside didn't help and I couldn't think properly.
I checked the closets, pantry, hell I even tried the basement but nothing.
Then it clicked. Electronic tracker. I got a GPS on him. It must be in his jacket.
I opened my phone and then tried to locate. I had no signal in this damn restaurant so I went out.
My eyes widened, in the span of fucking 7 minutes Jonghyun's position was moving too fast. He wouldn't have left the restaurant if he found him.
Fuck. I started to worry. My gut was telling me something else.
Taengo: Jonghyun's on the move, I think he got Eunhyuk. Or the other way around.
Heechul: Did he call for help?
Kris: text address, we need to go it's getting so bad out here..
Taengo: I'll send you the location. Get here fast and bring some guys. I don't think it's going to end pretty.
Rolling up into an abandoned in progress apartment building I looked up.
Darkness, and uncertainty plagued it. I felt chills coming down my spine because the moment I step in is the start of a ticking time bomb.
Any wrong move and I'll risk my life. Too slow, and I'll risk Jonghyun's life.
I followed the pulsing dot on the screen, climbing the stairs as fast as I could. I had to keep my heavy breathing on the down low because it echoed in the little stairway.
I went up to the 12th floor and the 3D representation on the screen showed that I was on the right floor. I pocketed my phone and looked through the half completed door that had no window. I opened the know from the outside and crept in quietly.
I heard nothing but the gushes of wind blowing through the plastic coverings of the unfinished building. The city lights were brighter than usual and were more lively than ever before to me tonight. The moonlight illuminated the night sky and this felt too surreal.
I turned my head at the sound of dripping. Making a right to the spacious living room there was a wooden chair, followed by a candle lit on the side. I saw the red trail of blood and eyed it, watching it go a couple of feet till it pooled.
I glanced up and saw Jonghyun, tied up by the hands hanging there. He was soaked i n blood, head bloodied, lips bruised to the point he was bleeding there too. He slurred something and his feet were dangling off the floor just an inch.
The rope was straining the guys hand and fuck I felt like such a failure.
"Jonghyun, hey, hey it's me wake up." My hands were shaking as I approached him.
"Hyung." He whispered so quietly, it's like he choked it out.
When he calls me Hyung, I can't. I don't feel like it. I am not someone he is able to look up to and say, 'I want to be like him.' I left him once without saying a word. I didn't comeback, I didn't even try to look for him. I don't deserve to be called that.
He was still breathing, I can hear his harsh breathing but along that I could hear the rope start tighten and make that squeezing sound. I heard and felt the drops of blood splattering on the floor as it drips and drips and drips.
"Taengo, don't leave your dongsaeng behind again." He slurred, head lolling to the side.
I felt my eyes start to become blurry. My vision was obstructed by the tears in my eyes and I felt like the worst big brother to someone who's ever only looked up to me. "I-I won't. Your Hyung won't leave you again."
"Y-you promise me? Hyung?"
"I swear on it. I can't leave my little brother behind this time. ." I untied his hands and released him from the rope, his wrists were straining red, a paler colour than his own blood.
"You always did keep your promises." He said with a tired smile as he sat on the floor, breathing rapidly.
"You will be okay, hang on okay? Hyung promised you that he'll teach you how to fish remember?"
"Fish?" He said softly and I panicked at his tone, he's going to go.
"Remember? We were 8 or 9 and we sat around that pond behind your old pops house? I managed to catch a fish with the rod we stole earlier at the janky thrift store we used to hang out at. You told me, 'Hyung, when we're older, have a billion dollars, 6 sports cars, al the ladies and a room full of gummy jellies, we have to buy a cabin and you'll teach me how to catch fish on our million dollar yacht.' Jonghyun do you remember?"
"Remember. . Hyung. . . I remember." He said while nodding his head, eyes drooping close and breathing slowing down. He coughed a bit and I patted his back as I knelt down, rubbing him to soothe him.
"Jonghyun, we can't do that if you go to sleep, so stay awake for me okay? For Hyung." He shook his head.
"If Jonghyun goes, Jonghyun will watch over you." He said with too much effort.
"You're not going to do that because you won't go." Don't fucking say that to me you punk. We ride and die together. The both of us.
He gulped the lump in his throat and opened his mouth to speak. I patiently waited for him to speak, to say something. "H-He's somewhere here Hyung, you have to go. He's going to kill you."
"I promised that I wouldn't leave you again. You have to do the same Jonghyun. Promise me you won't leave me behind too." He looked at me and smiled, and i instantly saw a younger version of him right before my eyes. I shook out of it and quickly lifted him up. He immediately slumped over my shoulder and I carried him by the shoulder to a nearby chair, grunting as I plopped him down there gently.
"Stay here, okay? I have to find Eunhyuk." He lifted his head and exhaled. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it, running his thumb over it.
He slumped into his chair further but jerked up and shakily brought up his arm. I thought he was possessed but when eh started slurring and choking out blood I looked behind me.
"You don't have to find me. I'm right in front of you." Eunhyuk said with the cold steel barrel of a revolver pressed right between my eyes.
Shit.
I eyed his finger that was teasing the trigger just ever so slightly, like a toy. But he was quicker than me and the next thing I knew was the throbbing aching pain that started to grow around the side of my head and my blackout that followed it quickly.
I shut my eyes and squeezed it close. Blackness, darkness. No more pain.
Death.
But not yet. I opened my heavy eyes to his fist. It felt like it weighed a ton. So did the baseball bat in his hand. The golden knife was sharp as it scraped the side of my body teasing me. It was like he was making a decision, to kill or not to kill.
I wasn't dead. I was alive. I'm breathing. I was so sure I was dead, I embraced it surprisingly.
I sat there like a rag doll, like some toy who's anger is being taken out on by some full of rage toddler. I took every beating. Every hit, every slash.
I'm surprised I have such a high tolerance because I jus wanted to die at this point.
My body felt like mush. It looked like mush too, gashes, wounds, bruises. What else, right. The blood. I felt like cherry kool aid gone wrong.
I would rather die.
He grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked my head back, tapping my mouth open with his silver revolver.
"I'll shoot every single tooth out. So listen carefully. You worked for me and exclusively me. Who knew you'd become such a fucking rat. Did you forget what I could do?" He said quietly, almost with a demonic voice.
"We had a deal you wouldn't touch her!" I hollered pissed off to no end. I was shaking in my seat as I wanted to kick the shit out of him. He did this to me, he did this to Fany. He ruined lives, he made me so sad.
I can't find happiness.
"A deal is a deal but who broke it first?! You did! You fucking rat you did! Look where you got us now! My safe house is in shambles, half of the fucking triad doesn't trust me and the chance of me being chairman has gone down ever since you!" He spat out with such a sneering voice that bits of spit splattered everywhere on my face. The grip on my hair tightened with every word I spoke and I thought he'd rip it off me.
"You. . ." He says with wide eyes, staring at me like a psychopath. "You even tried to kill me with your little posse. Didn't think Jonghyun meant much to you after you left the poor kid behind." He said in my ear slowly so every word that came from his dirty mouth was heard well by me.
But Jonghyun.
"Where is he. Where the fuck is he." I managed to say despite his fingers yanking my mouth open. I couldn't even bite down on it if I wanted to.
Eunhyuk smirked and stepped aside. Jonghyun was still sitting on the floor unconscious.
Oh god Jonghyun.
He was still alive, which I thank the gods for.
I wasn't leaving him again. Not like this, not when the only thing I have left is him, and family.
He blocked my field of vision again and clicked his pretentious jaw. He untied me and pushed me to the ground, his foot right on my back pressing me down to kiss the damn floor.
He pulled me up again and made me kneel down towards the broken window.
My body felt too numb to fight back. I felt useless, weak and pathetic.
I held my breath as I stared down. We were at least 12 stories up and if I fell I'm sure I wouldn't live to see another day.
"You think I'd let you die so fast? Boy, you got it all wrong." He snarls in my ear, yanking my head back once more to the point where I felt like it was going to snap.
I gritted my teeth and exhaled roughly, trying to suppress the pains throughout my body.
"Look down. Look down!" He said, pushing half my body off the ledge and I was left dangling there. I tried to grab onto something to pull myself back into the room but I grabbed thin air.
Look where. Where was I supposed to look when all I see is a park with two people sitting on a bench enjoying their damn company while I was left waving my body off a fucking building.
Wait. Two people. .
"You see her? You fucking see her?!"
Fuck.
There were two types of dying.
Physically dying, and the emotional shit where you wanna implode.
I've never wanted to die so fast in my life at the sight of her.
With him.
I know someday seeing her with another guy would hurt. I kind of expected it but at the same time I didn't want to.
I was surprised. From the 12th floor I could see her clearly. I could recognize her from a distance. Her happy voice that was filled with utter joy confirmed it. My Fany.
I looked at those two longer. They sat on the bench laughing, their voices echoed in the quiet park. They pranced around the cobblestone walk way as they took pictures of each other acting all silly and stuff.
He started chuckling. Giving me an earful of his douchiest laugh.
But he's got me under his control. I did nothing but lay their and continue to stare at them. I wish we were at a higher up floor because then I wouldn't be able to see them so clearly.
But we were so close and I can see every fucking interaction below me.
She's mine. That's my girl. I'm supposed to be with her, not him.
This is the most brutal torture I will ever experience and I've been through shit.
They were such a couple. A cute one in fact. They did couple things in the long minutes that I watched them.
It stung. It really felt like sharpnels of my imploding mess had been stuck into my heart. I wanted to pull it out but I kept watching; making it sink in my hurt self longer because I knew Fany and I didn't do couple things.
We weren't normal. We didn't do boyfriend and girlfriend things. We didn't go on proper dates, we didn't love properly.
Nothing about us expressed a normal relationship in where if a person just looks at us they'll be able to say 'wow, they look cute together' or 'wow, they're couple goals' because as of right now I could say all these things about Stephanie and that Cheolwoo guy.
I want to give her flowers for no reason, wake up in the morning and make her breakfast. I want to surprise her at work, giving her a ride home every now and then. I want to sit on a park bench and have ice cream with her like they were doing just now.
I had my chance but I didn't do it.
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"Had enough? Fucking had enough? That is what you betrayed me for, some fucking girl." He continue, kicking me on the side of my head.
I felt a huge pang start to spread throughout my head.
He pulled me back into the room away from the open window and slammed me BAE against a wall.
I grunted in pain, the ache in my back also spreading.
"E-Eunhyuk." I groaned, my eye swelling up and getting coated with blood that was practically leaking from the top of my head and covering my vision.
"You look stupid. Wanna have one last look at your girl before you die?" He said, jaw crackling and making that clicking sound.
I felt myself become pushed into the edge gain as the night wind washed the upper part of my body.
Half of me was dangling off the side of the building and I wanted nothing more but for him to let go.
Kill me now, because I'd rather die than see her smiling like she is right now with him.
I remind myself that I'm going to be killed and it'll be okay. He'll leave her alone. part of me believes that it'll be for Fany's sake, but another part of me feels like I'm dying for no reason. That I'm chasing a wild dream, a fantasy, something that I can't have.
Hey, at least your happy right? Fany-ah.
But I need to live. I promised Jonghyun. I wouldn't leave my brother alone once more.
A promise I made is a promise I'll keep.
"A stab in here and a shot right here." He said, doing exactly what he said. I've never felt such a searing pain envelope m body before. Then again, I became so numb that it jut kind of felt muddled.
"How would you like to die? Cunt." He spat, laughing hysterically as eh stared at the bloody knife, having fun man handling me like that.
"With you." I said. He slapped me across the face and my face was on fire. "This is why you were never apart of us. No one fucking liked you." I continued.
"You think I give a shit? You're nothing anymore, look at you. You're under my control, you're here begging for my mercy." He said, drool dripping all over my face. He shoved me back in the chair as he walked over to Jonghyun and propped him up. Jonghyun laid there breathing heavily, eyes beat up just like mine.
He made a mistake leaving me there across the room untied, because I limped over to him as he taunted Jonghyun. I tapped his shoulder and when he turned around with that freakish smile, I tackled him on the floor, grunting as my wounds ripped open further.
We struggled as I tried to pin him down, but my body was overworked. I was exhausted and I had no energy left. But I put every ounce into holding him down, to strangle him. He pushed me off with a powerful kick and I rolled over on the floor, clutching my stomach as my nails scratched the smooth concrete surface.
I heard those heavy footsteps approach me. I saw those dirt stained shoes come closer to me. He flipped me over and had a hand clamped around my neck. I pulled the knife out of the holder and hovered it above his chest.
He grabbed my hand and pushed back, the knife in our grasps shaking because of the opposing forces.
"You can't kill. You can't even try." He said while chuckling, still having a death grip on me. The hold on the knife I had tightened and I felt my blood vessels were about to burst.
He tilted his head and his eyes started to twitch."You wanna know why your mom died?"
"Fuck you." I choked out, slowly and achingly trying to impale him with the steel metal.
"You weren't even by her side when she died, oh she must've been so heartbroken." He cooed in the most satanic way and I've never wanted more but to kill him.
"Everyone fucking left you. You have no one left, everyone that enters your life eventually leaves." And that hit me. That hit me so hard because it was so true. I couldn't even look at him anymore. I looked anywhere but him, it was hard since he was right in front of me but I couldn't.
"Shut the fuck up!" I pressed the knife harder against his neck and he only chuckled, breathing and gasping for air as I tightened my hold against his neck.
"You wanna hear how your father-" I forced the knife into him. His facial expression changed and he smiled at me, choking on his words as blood seeped from his lips. It gave me shivers down my spine and I felt the blood ooze from him and into my trembling hand.
I dropped the knife on the floor and pushed him off me. I fell on the floor with a thump as i laid there sprawled out trying to regain some oxygen.
I stared at the dead man with his eyes wide open, still somehow having that coy smile.
Fucking hell.
My hand patted the surface as I stretched to grab the white cloth beside me as I lifted myself up and wrapped myself tightly around the torso with DIY gauze.
The material pressed tightly against my wounds and it was to hold them shut so I wouldn't lose that much blood.
Guess I'm not dying today.
I dragged my body over to Jonghyun and hoisted him up on my shoulder. That was when I noticed he wasn't. . responsive.
Just how long has he been like this? I placed him down once more and shook him. He laid there perfectly still. He wasn't. .?
"Jonghyun, Jonghyun!" I shook him harder, patting his face roughly as I wiped the blood away from his face.
Heechul and Kris came through the door, other members also came and crowded me. I glanced up in complete shambles, muting everything around me as I grabbed my little brother.
"Come on, wake up! Wake up, please wake up? We made a promise, we-we're supposed to leave t-together?" God my voice cracked. I knew that because my vision started to become blurry, my throat was itching and I felt hot.
My hands were gripped onto his shirt as I kept shaking him trying to get him up. I shouted at him, telling him to stop being stupid.
Kris pulled me away and I felt myself losing everything around me. My own conscious started to fade away and I knelt on the floor, leaning against Kris's leg as I stared at Heechul kneeling down beside him.
I saw Heechul shake his head and I wanted to ask what that meant. What the fuck did that mean.
Thoughts ran and ran through my head just like my racing heart. I could've done something, I would've prevented anything form happening to him. I shouldn't have dragged hi into this, I shouldn't have been back i the first place.
I wondered at that moment that I was with Eunhyuk, if I wasn't to enticed to kill him would I have noticed Jonghyun laying there dying? I didn't even know how he passed away. I didn't know.
I blacked out after that, and just like that eventful night 6 months ago, yet again I lost someone. They left.
'Everyone fucking left you. You have no one left, everyone that enters your life eventually leaves.' Eunhyuk, you were right. I'd give up anything to prove you wrong, but you are right.
I lived quietly and on the low after that incident. It had been a month and a half, not that long but it as another 7 months away from her.
When I saw the picture of me and Steph on the desk something inside me just made me go. I found myself at the airport, smiling at the receptionist as she checked my luggage in and gave me my plane ticket.
San Fransico
I adjusted my baseball cap and my shades, looking both ways as I gripped my bag tighter in my hands. I stepped inside the check in, and breathed.
With the paper bags of groceries in my arms I stepped inside the pocket fence and glanced at the houses number.
I looked down to the beige piece of paper in my hand just to double check if they were the right numbers.
I stepped onto the porch and wiped my hands on my trousers. My mind wandered what I was going to say, what I was going to do. My lame excuse was to just check up on her, to cook her a nice meal because that's what friends do right?
There was no answer so I turned my head to the side and look through the big glass pane.I should've known. What I saw back at that abandoned apartment building, dangling off the side of it was true.
Whatever the fuck his name was. That model guy, Lee Cheolwoo? They just had to be together. They looked so happy.
My had unconsciously gripped the brown paper bag so tightly that it tore a hole. I ad to stuff in my vegetables back through the hole as I gritted my teeth, my jaw grinding.
My girl and that fuck were sitting on the couch, hands fighting over a bucket of popcorn as they laughed so damn loudly. They were happy.
I pressed the door bell a few ore times with my jaw tightly snapped close.
I waited as the laughter died down and I heard soft foot steps follows by the door opening. Fany opened it and she looks better than eve.r I can say that genuinely because it's been so long that I forgot how she smiles. How wonderful she looks as her eyes make those crescents. How her pearly white teeth shine as she smiles, or how she sometimes covers her mouth with her hand out of politeness.
"T-Taeyeon? Hi?" She said taken back slightly from the sight of me.
I extended my arm and gave her back her favourite pajamas that's quickly also became my favourite night gown she always wore to bed. I was a little blunt handing it to her, I didn't even say hi.
She furrowed her brows and looked a bit distressed but still took her clothes back and looked up at me with her head tilted.
I dug around the paper back and felt the fluffy guys head. I pulled George out and gave her back her stuffed animal.
"You left these at my house." I muttered.
Lee whatever the fuck Ch-asshole came over behind her and smiled cockily.
I've never hated a male specimen so much in my life before.
"Oh. Um, the stuffed animal isn't mine. You can take it back Taeyeon-ah." She said softly, turning her head around to see her model guy friend, boyfriend. Who knows. I don't know if they're together but seeing the looks they're giving each other right now I'm going to assume he's dating her.
God please just take the stuffed animal. Every time I glance at it on my hair it reminds me of you.
You slept with it all the time, you practically always asked me to find it for you every night before you went to sleep. This was, yours. I gave it to you.
Please keep something from me, you took everything and left.
Except me.
So much for you coming back to me, right? Another 7 month break after you landed back home from my place and you're happy with someone else? I can't be bitter if I even wanted to. I have no right, but I will be.
"You practically claimed him yours. Just take it, please?" I pleaded. The awkward tension was just a little too much for me and I haven't recovered from the incident with Jonghyun. If anything, I was scared. I refused to interact with humans. Social interactions weren't my thing but I still lived my life 'normally' as it was.
Life has to go on, no matter what.
So I urged her to take it further by shoving it closer to her hand. She eventually took it but with reluctant looks.
"I'm going to go now." I said abruptly.
"Oh?" She said, sounding a little surprised.
"Bye." I turned around quickly and left, walking briskly around the corner.
She didn't call me name; but I didn't expect her to.
She didn't chase after me; but I didn't expect her to.
She didn't call me by my nick name; but that I expected her to.
I find so much comfort in that. 'Taetae' she's always said.
It sucks because she's always going to be my first love. Always.
I wanted to see her. I had the urge to see her after I almost died. I was so scared. I wanted to know if she was okay at least.
I threw the bags of groceries in a nearby trash can. So much for making her a dinner. I let my feet just take myself wherever I desired to go. I walked an hour from her house to a beach. I took off my shoes and let it hang on my middle and forefinger as I dipped my feet into the low tide.
I walked along the shoreline, looking up ever once in a while to stare at the glistening night's sky. The dots speckled the black backdrop and I exhaled before breathing in the fresh crisp air. In a way, I wanted to flush myself out.
Too much happened for little old me. At the age of what, 28? There were too many tragedies in my lifetime. I'd like to think I live a sad life, but I don't need pity. I'll be okay, eventually. It just takes time.
I'll be okay, just like when my mother passed. I'll be okay just like when my father left me, r when I ran away and shivered in the cold streets of Seoul. My young self at the age of 9 or so was scavenging the streets for food, shelter,r warmth and a family. I'll be okay just like when I left the 18K.
I kept thinking of her, thinking of Jonghyun and life as I sat myself down o the sand of the beach. I found peace in them, because it's the place where mom would always take me to play. I remember splashing around in the water and when I got too tired, I ran back to her as she sat there with open arms. Giggling, laughing and stroking my hair.
I unwounded on top of the sand and the sound of waves crashing. It pulled itself back and forth and I wondered when it would take me along too. I reminisced at that moment. I thought about the future and I thought about the present.
I told myself I'd be okay. I always will be.
But my hand that was running through the fine sand nicked something. I grabbed it and rubbed the essence of the beach off, looking at the little trinket. It was more of a fishing tackle.
I broke down at the sight of it. I cried, I yearned and I mourned. Jonghyun.
We were supposed to go fishing. I was supposed to fucking teach you how to fish. My little brother, I left you once. It is you that has left me.
I questioned my purpose. What was I here for, what can I do to give back to society? Is there anything that I could do to make someone happy other than myself. I want to give back. Thoughts like these kept me awake on that shore.
I don't know how long I stayed there. I didn't know if anyone else as on the beach but it was at least 9 at night. I was there though.
"Taetae?" My ears perked and I glanced up, but saw no one.
Great, was hearing things.
I felt soft nimble hands caress one of my shoulders and I exhaled. I stayed still like a statue and refused to look back.
Don't. I refuse to be hallucinating her.
I felt a gush of wind brush pass me and the soft thud of the sand.
The touch on my hand finally made me turn my head.
Damn it. I turned my head slightly and saw the profile of her face. I quickly turned back and felt my world slowing down. "Fany-ah? Hey."
"Hi." She said quite cutely, and instantly I wiped the tears off my face quickly.
"What's up."
She cocked a brow and shoved me gently on my shoulder.
"What?" I asked, a bit confused.
I knew that she was staring at me but I refused to make eye contact with her. "You came all the way from L.A.. to ask me that? . . How'd you find me Tae?"
"Soo- Friends." Whoops, almost slipped.
She nudged me and I probably just snitched on her friend. Oops.
"Why did you come here?" She continued. She kept prying and I didn't have the heart right now to answer her questions.
I thought of a lame excuse and just rolled with it."To give you back things."
"They weren't important." Ouch.
"Thought they were. Sorry." I mumbled.
She hummed and we both stared at the endless waves. The aura she gave, or even her presence was causing me to become a little bit uncomfortable. It felt so strange, she felt so foreign to me.
"Are you okay?" She said softly, breaking the silence.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Where are you staying?"
"Hotel."
"Oh."
"It's getting late, you should be home. It's also getting colder."
"I want to catch up, since you came all the way here?" She said. I took it as she indirectly still wanted to talk to me.
I had to go home. I had to go back to the hotel room. The pain was too much.
"Do you want to come to my hotel? We can chat there, it's warm at least." She looked at me hesitantly and when I just kept kicking the sand under my feet she finally said okay.
I slipped my shoes onto my feet again and walked back to the hotel, she was trailing behind me but not too far.
When we arrived I let her go first. She went into the living room and sat up a bit too straight for my liking. I offered her water or tea, but she declined politely. I shrugged and sat on the couch across from her.
I didn't know what to say but I had to get something off my chest. "You seeing anyone?" I blurted out.
"Yeah."
"How is it?"
"It's been great." She said, genuinely looking happy. I feel good when she's happy. I don't know why.
"That's good." She nodded.
"You?" She said quietly.
"I'm not seeing anyone."
"Why not?"
Because I'm still so madly stupidly and crazily in love with you . . .
"Too busy." My lame excuses.
"So, what have you been up to?"
"Nothing." Thinking about you. That's all I do. Truthfully.
"I saw your charity work on television. It was nice of you." I shrugged. God it was so awkward.
"Do you still teach?" She nodded. I felt her soft hands graze mine and I looked down. "Tae? Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Why would you ask that." I replied, looking away yet again.
"I don't know, you seem different." She said, trailing off.
Her phone rang and she unlocked it. I was stupid to think that she still had the photo of us on her phone's wallpaper. Of course she didn't. But I still did. She was smiling at it unconsciously before she looked up at me and broke that happiness.
Her stare at me looked uncomfortable and she went back into that awkward silent state. "I-I have to go. Sorry." She mumbled, looking at me apologetically.
You have to go back to him. I understand.
"Okay. Just shut the door when you leave. I'll lock it later." I muttered, getting up and leaving her alone in the living room as I went to the bedroom and closed the door behind me.
God, every moment I spent with her hurt my chest a little more.
I crawled over to the drawer and yanked it open, digging around the space feeling for the plastic bottle.
Please please there be more.
I grabbed the orange translucent bottle as I felt it around my fingertips, I laid back onto the ground and I popped the lid open and dumped the contents out.
Nothing. There was nothing.
I started breathing erratically; borderline hyperventilating.
I threw the plastic bottle on the floor, letting it clink and clank and make noise.
I clutched my chest, hating the searing pain that bore right in there.
I kicked over the full length mirror and let it create the most ear piercing shatter.
I wanted to leave now. I wanted to be gone.
My sight caught the empty orange canister again and I felt my adrenaline rush through my body.
I got up unscathed and threw my luggage in the bed, opening it to find the box of untouched cigarettes.
No matter how many drags I took from it, it didn't soothe me.
I wobbled over to the mink fridge and opened it, digging around for the largest bottle of alcohol I could get my sorry self's hands on.
I felt the familiar rectangular glass and pulled it out, popping open the lid and downing the entire bottle as fast as I could.
Some seeped from my lips and trailed down my neck as I smelt fresh alcohol linger in the air
But it wasn't enough. It didn't drown my sorrows deep enough that I couldn't feel anymore.
I was so frustrated. It didn't help. So I threw the bottle against the wall, seeing it shatter into pieces.
For some reason the painting of a random couple on the wall pissed me off. I walked up to it and punched it, breaking through the canvas and apparently enough to create a hole in the wall.
I withdrew my shaking fist and looked at my bloodied hand. The same hand that managed to kill Eunhyuk.
But the same hand couldn't save Jonghyun from dying.
I could still feel myself cracking piece by piece and I wanted nothing more but to just.
Die.
The only thing that was stopping me, was Jonghyun. Heechul. Kris. My family, my one and only family.
But my will to die was greater than my own will to live.
I'm not happy. I'm not okay. I'm sorry Jonghyun. Hyung has to break one more promise because you already left me.
I hastily grabbed the fruit knife on the table and ripped my shirt open, leaning against the nightstand I pointed the knife just above my chest.
God it's going to hurt.
"Taetae." I looked up and turned around to see her teary eyes, she was leaning against the door watching me like a scared little girl.
"Fany-ah, why are you here. Leave." I growled, hiding the blade away as she continued to look so small.
"What do you want Fany-ah? Why do you keep. . I don't get you. You have someone else, your life here is good. Don't, come near me. It was a mistake for me to come here."
"Tae. . please don't say such thing?"
I shook my head. "I'll wait for you. You said to not because you don't know when you'll come back to me. You said eventually, and I will continue to wait. But please, tell me what you want?"
Silence. Silence, silence silence.
"I'm suffering. I-I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't wait any longer, I'm giving up on you and frankly that's a good thing. I want to let you go so my heart can rest."
"Taetae, you're not okay." She said, tears streaming out of her eyes but she did not make a sound. Silent tears were always the worst.
"Fany-ah, answer me?" I begged. I needed to know.
She bit her lip and for the first time during that night, we locker gazes. "Tae, I-I think it's you. ." Is it me? My ears are deceiving me. I can't believe she'd say something like that so quickly.
She made her way to me and I almost fell back as she pounced on me.
She was breathing against my skin and when she shuffled I hugged her tighter. Fany is so petite, tiny, small and so cute. She's so precious.
"I missed you so terribly much." She whispered. I nodded.
I wanted to kiss her, to feel her skin on mine. To get as close as humanly possible with her but i felt like there was an invisible wall separating us from getting any closer.
I stared at her and got closer till I felt my lips touch her cheeks. She turned her head away, denying me from kissing her lips.
I pressed my forehead against hers and pleaded so damn pathetically with my eyes.
"Fany-ah, please don't?" Look at me my little one. Please don't shut me out.
She shook her head and placed her small palm on my chest, pushing herself up and distance her away from me a bit.
I rested my head on her shoulder and kissed her there. I sighed, closing my eyes as I felt her warmth. But she never did hug me. I sat there hugging her.
"We're so messy, so complicated and so utterly stupid. These past few months were so bad. We had such a messy fall out. I want to apologize for the things I've done. I'm sorry I cheated on you. I'm sorry I pulled you into this mess. I'm so sorry that I hurt you the way I did. But I asked if you could forgive me some day, you said in time. Now I realize, I'm in no place to ask for such forgiveness." I mumbled against her shoulder. She didn't move or say anything.
"I had a really hard time I'll admit, like after you left. I don't know why it hit me so hard like it did, but it kind of scared me. I guess I was too dependent on you. I'm sorry if I suffocated you." I apologized once more, my eyes starting to water.
I continued my relentless ramble. All this was build up in the course of those 7 months. I had to get this off my chest, I had to let her know. "I have no idea what you want. But I know what I want and it's you. You're my first love and I can't forget that." She started crying quietly after I told her what I needed to say.
In all of this I wanted to just hold me.
"Tell me a happy memory Fany-ah. Tell me something that made you smile, it can be about anything." I said quietly, looking at her as she gripped the hem of my shirt in her hands.
"The happiest time I had ever been?" I nodded.
She took a deep breath and bit her lip. Every time she was thinking hard she looked a little distressed and I've always found that so adorable of her.
"Those coins you gave me that were wrapped in blue paper Taetae? Do you remember that?"
Of course I do, I never got to finish.
"I-I opened them." She said, caressing the side of my cheek with her soft hand. I smiled, at the gesture and at how she found my little surprise.
"Did you now? Did it make you smile?" I asked. She nodded timidly again. I'm glad, I really am.
My gift to you. Those coins had meaning. Every single one of them till we stopped.
"Taetae. . I-I think we will always love each other." She said almost inaudibly.
"Of course, we always take care of each other hm?"
"But Taetae? The 7 months we were apart. . . I know you have been keeping an eye on me."
"Hm. you would've found out sooner or later. I just wanted to keep my promise. You'll be okay. I wanted to check up on you personally because I no longer will be updated on you anymore. You're safe now."
She gave me a small smile. "Thank you." I nodded and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to take me away. The feeling was there, but I was kept up by the girl I was hugging on my lap.
"Tae?" She said so tenderly that I felt light headed. Her palm smoothed over my torso but stopped as I felt her smear blood on me.
"Yes?"
"T-Tae why are you. . Taetae." She said, slowly bringing her bloody hand up to see. Her eyes double, her hands shook, she quickly went to my side and pulled my shirt away. I turned my head slowly at her.
I heard her soft gasp.
"N-No, Taetae you're bleeding. Tae, no, please don't do this." She said with her voice breaking.
Oh my babygirl.
"Y-You stabbed yourself, w-why would you do that. Taetae, why would you do that!" She wailed, shaking me as she cried so heartbreakingly.
I'm so sorry.
"Don't go Taetae, please don't go." She whispered, wiping her tears away frantically as she tugged at my fingers.
I loved how soft and supple her hands were. I loved how they were so gentle with me, how it fit so nicely with mine.
"I-I'm calling for help please don't sleep Taetae."
I shook my head one last time as I squeezed her hand, blacking out as her voice dwindled down every second.
I did it while she told me about her happiest moment. I was glad that I was her happiest moment. Her happy days admits the fucked up shit we went through. She still found happiness.
It was just too much. She was no longer mine. Jonghyun has left. I had no purpose. I live on a day by day basis empty and deprived from most things. I was no longer human, or living. I live long days hoping that eventually the society will bring me back as a human being. But days pass and I that glimpse of hope is fading away and I can't do anything about it.
I can't grab it, reach it, or hold it.
"Taetae, please. . You said you'll wait for me. I-I will come back but I can't if you're not there Taetae. . ." She whispered. I felt her tears drop onto my hand and even though in my state, I could still feel sad with her.
I can wait no longer. It just pains me.
Take care of yourself. You deserve happiness, so find it. Do what makes you smile, be with people who make you feel that way. Be happy, and love yourself.
Don't worry about me, love.
I will watch over you, so don't be afraid.
Taetae will watch you. Just like how Jonghyun said he will watch over me.