As always everything belongs to Stephanie Meyers.
11. RETRIEVING
Thinking about all the lives at stake, along with what could possibly go wrong, was driving me mad. Not being able to shake these thoughts, I tempted my brain in another direction. Switching thoughts to what Bella was doing right now. She was probably sitting next to Jacob, and knowing him as I did, he probably had his arm around her. Most likely sitting on the beach –a place I was banned from –around a bonfire discussing past times together. The time when I was away… the time I deserted her. He was probably reminder her of that time every chance he got.
Okay, so, these weren't the best thoughts to distract me from my madness, and this was doing nothing for my sanity. However, what else was I to think of? I longed, at this moment, that I had taking up that new hobby –the one with the slug hammer –at least then I would have the ability to hit something. Since I didn't, I would have to once again rely on the piano. Rising from the couch, I made my way to it, taking a seat on the bench.
Sweeping my fingers across the keys, music drifted fluidly from the wooden box. Grateful I had something to calm my nerves I didn't want to pick her up in this condition. I couldn't be certain what I might do when I saw him. Soft music poured out from my fingertips initiating Esme to join me. She never missed a moment when I played; it pleased her to hear me. Patting my leg with encouragement to continue, I obliged. These were the moments I knew for certain, she was truly proud of me, it showed on her face.
Continuing to play, I played all of Esme's favorites. Her song, Bella's lullaby, and a few others she admired. She sat quietly, peering at me from the corner of her eye. The way she was staring at me was oddly familiar, but I couldn't place what it reminded me of. Suddenly it struck me, and although the memories had faded with time, they were still there. Moments like these that reminded me of my human life. Being exactly how my mother would stare at me when I was doing something that pleased her.
To feel the intense pride of a parent was second to none, but I felt as though I hadn't earned Esme's pride. With everything I had done, she should not be looking at me this way. Wanting so much to earn her pride and respect, I knew at this time I hadn't, which left me feeling uncomfortable. My fingers stopped moving across the keys and I turned to Esme.
"Oh, Edward. Please keep playing," she softly cooed.
"Esme, what's wrong?" I asked.
"It's nothing. I was just thinking," she answered.
"About what?"
"Well, I was just thinking if my son… had lived, how different my life would be," she explained.
"I suppose it would."
"As hard as that time was for me, I'm not sure I would've wanted to miss all of this," she said.
"What do you mean? If you had the choice, what would it have been?" I asked.
"I don't know. I know I always wanted to be a mother and when my son passed away… it broke my heart. To continue on, seemed impossible, that's why I made the choice I did. Then, when Carlisle gave me a second chance at life –that's how I see this life –I wanted it more than anything. As you know it was hard in the beginning, adjusting to what we are, but now, when I see all of you, especially you. I wonder what my son would have been like. If he turned out half as good as you, Edward, I would be proud. Sometimes I wonder…" she suddenly trailed off.
"What? What do you wonder?" I asked curiously.
"I wonder if… my son… brought me to you," she smiled.
"What do you mean?" I asked stunned by this revelation.
"Well, if he saw you out there and somehow brought us together," she said quickly.
Pondering this for a moment, I didn't understand. No words that came to mind… wanting to say something… I had nothing. I had no words and certainly no thoughts.
"For me to believe that it was a coincidence that Carlisle was there when they found me, is to much to grasp. For me, there appeared to be a higher power at play. Something or someone brought me to the two of you. This many years later I have to believe it was my son. He knew I needed a son and you needed a mother," she said.
"Esme, thank you. However, I don't deserve your admiration. Moreover, I have to think if your son picked someone for you to be with, Carlisle was the one. That wasn't a coincidence, I've never seen two people more meant for one another," I answered.
"Edward, you haven't seen yourself with Bella, then," she squeezed my hand.
Getting up from the piano, she kissed the top of my head and walked away. I sat thinking about what she had said. How could she think Bella and I were perfectly matched when we were so completely opposite? She was right about one thing thought, I did need a mother, and she fulfilled that perfectly all these years. I'm not foolish enough not to know that she played a big role in helping me become the person I am, the person I am proud of –in most circumstances.
It had been many years since she had spoken about her son and her human life. Knowing how painful it was, I attempted not to pry too much. The pain it caused her when speaking of that time was excruciating. To see in her mind, to know how she felt when she looked at me, was something I had never seen before. Seeing it today, for the first time, was humbling. Her thoughts beamed with such pride when she looked at me. I felt undeserving of her kindness, for I had always been selfish. I spent most of my existence worry about myself, taking the family I have for granted.
Everything in my existence was about to change. Seeing what I had become and seeing what I had done to others, I knew the mistakes I have made. It was time to rectify them. It was time to bring order back to my existence, and time to make amends to the people who seemed to value me more than I'm worth. I wanted to be worthy of Esme's regards and Bella's love. I wished to know that when things were said of me, that they were correct, backed up by things I've done. So far, this was not correct; nothing I've done should gain that kind of admiration from anyone.
I would start with the people I call my family, and after everything they've done for me they deserved that title. I on the other hand, still haven't earned it yet. They were people who would drop everything, go anywhere, and do whatever if I asked them to. I had always done that too, but up until now, I had nothing to lose. I had never had any preference to where we existed or whom we existed with, until now. Now, I was unsure if I would leave if they requested it. If we had to leave tomorrow, I wasn't certain I could go.
What would I do with this new information? How selfish could I get? I had done nothing, but put the people I supposedly love, in danger. Was there no limit to what I would do? Somehow, this behavior had to come to an end. Continuing this way would only end in disastrous consequences for everyone. How would I amend this?
The conversation with Esme had opened the flood gates to things I didn't want to face, things I never intended to think about. The very thought of these things told me exactly who I had become and this was someone I couldn't admire. It became very clear that drastic changes in my life were required, beginning with Bella and how I've handle our relationship, thus far.
Jacob was right about one thing I had become Bella's jailer. My tendency to overreact in situations had led me to become a tyrant. That was about to change. No longer would I decide what was best for her, she would have to decide for herself. I had always said it was her choice and now it was time to stand by that statement. It was time for her to make her own choices.
Then there was Alice, who did nothing but help others. Her existence consisted of doing things for other people. She was the most selfless person I had ever known. She had dropped everything, risked her very life, to come to Italy and rescue me. Even though, I thought this behavior was ludicrous, I loved her for it. Everything I had asked of her, she did without question, and what do I do for her… buy her a Porsche that she could purchase herself. There had to be something else I could do for her and I knew the one thing she truly desired… she wanted a new sister. The very thought of that sent chills down my already cold spine, I wasn't quite that person, yet.
"Edward?" Alice sang out, pulling me from my thoughts.
"What is it, Alice?" I spun around on the piano bench and stared at her.
"Come for a walk with me!" she said suspiciously.
Her thoughts were twisting and turning leaving nothing I could get from them. Getting up I walked to the front door with her following. Holding the door open, she walked through it. We went down the stairs, along the path to the forest. I was growing more anxious the further we walked without words. Suddenly she stopped, turning to face me she grabbed my shoulders, as if to shake them.
"Edward, I don't even know where to begin!" she said.
"Just tell me, Alice. What's wrong?" I said panicking by this point.
"Nothing's wrong, Edward. It's just that I…" Alice said quietly.
"Just say it, Alice. You're trying my patience," I said quickly.
"I over heard what Esme was saying to you, I'm sorry about that, I wasn't listening intentionally," she began.
"It's okay. So you heard what she was saying about her son?" I asked.
"Yes, and I wanted to…" she hesitated.
"What, Alice?" I asked concerned. "I was a little worried about her too," I added.
"Not her, Edward. I'm worried about you!" she said.
"Me? Why are you worried about me?" I questioned.
"I know how you get. I know the way you think about yourself. After your conversation I had a flash of your future, and I didn't like what I saw," she explained.
"What did you see?" I asked concerned.
"You… alone again… just like before. You can't be thinking that, Edward. I won't allow it, not again. I can't go through that again," she pleaded.
What could I say? These thoughts never entered my mind, not that I knew of. Running back over the conversation with Esme, also my thoughts to myself, there was nothing such as that. I had no idea what Alice was speaking of.
"Edward, did you hear me?" she asked.
"Yes, but Alice, I never thought of anything like that. I don't know where this is coming from," I said.
"It's because of your thoughts about yourself. That's what we have to fix here,"
"What do you mean?" I asked puzzled.
"That's enough… you are wonderful. You're the best brother a girl could have. You've done so much for this family…" I cut her off.
"Alice, stop it," I demanded.
"No. You're going to hear this… once and for all. You're overwhelming loyalty has been unwavering and we all feel the same, even Rose. Bella is the lucky one, Edward. The feelings you have for her are extraordinary and the most wonderful part is that she feels exactly the same as you do. For you to even think of letting any part of that go is ridiculous. You can't live without us and you can't live without her. Just know that you deserve her and you deserve us, that everything you've done up until now has lead you here, to this moment, and you need to accept that we all love you and we all want you around forever," she suddenly ended.
What was I to say to that? That was quite the speech. How would I believe her? Standing I placed my fingers to the bridge of my nose.
"Alice…" I began, but she stopped me. I dropped my hand.
"No, Edward. I don't want to hear it. I want you to accept what I'm telling you," she begged.
"Fine, but I just was going to say thank you. Thank you for all the nice things you said. I'm not certain you're right, but thank you. And, I'm almost positive I wasn't going anywhere, but I'll keep it in mind," I offered.
"I know that everything appears difficult at the moment, with not knowing what's coming our way, but it's not like that. It's not as bad as it appears. Everything's going to work out, we'll find whoever this is and put everything back to normal. Everything tells me that, Edward. It'll all work out," she offered.
"Are you sure about that, Alice?" I snapped.
"As a matter of fact, I am. The only thing that has me concerned these days is you. You're the only one whose future is undecided, the rest are perfectly fine, but you, you're all over the place. I wish you would just calm down and have a little faith in yourself. We all have faith in you, why can't you?" she asked.
"It's not that easy, Alice."
"Yes, it is. Just accept it. Accept that we all love you and we're all proud of you. Accept that we want you here with us. And, you need to accept that you're the best thing for Bella, he could never compare to you, trust me. She will never see him as she sees you and she would never allow you to leave again. She couldn't handle that, it would kill her, this, I know for certain. I saw first hand what it did to her last time and she couldn't survive it again," Alice explained.
How could I respond? Alice had really put it all out there this time. There was no room for argument not that I was about to. Her thoughts about Bella had disturbed me though. Hearing her thoughts and knowing what Jacob thought left me conscious of the wrong I had done to Bella. It was not right that one person was so dependent on another, but then again, I needed her to survive. Moreover, if I needed her, then why wouldn't I change her myself?
"Alice, it's all right, I'm not going anywhere, never again. She's stuck with me. So stop worrying, I'm not leaving, I promise," I said with conviction.
"All right, Edward. I'll believe you. But believe me when I tell you how wonderful you really are," she uttered.
"Yeah, sure. Is that everything?" I asked.
"Yep. That's all I wanted to say."
Thank heavens! I didn't think I could listen to anymore. We started back for the house when my phone rang out.
"I wonder who that could be," Alice said with a smile.
"Funny," I smiled back, opening my phone. "Bella?" I said quickly.
However, it was not Bella, and I tensed up immediately when I heard his voice instead.
"No. It's me, Jacob. She's asleep," he answered.
Freezing, I didn't know how to answer.
"Is everything all right?" I asked calmly.
"Yeah, yeah, she's fine. She just fell asleep at the bonfire. I'm going to drive her to the line, so you can pick her up," he answered.
"Fine. I'll be there in a minute. Thanks for the call," I added.
"No problem," the line went dead.
Alice who had stopped when I did, was glaring at me. "Everything all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, Bella feel asleep on him, he can't be that exciting," I winked at her. "I'm going to pick her up."
"That's nice he called you," she added.
"I suppose. See you later."
Running for my car, I jumped in and headed for La Push. Within a few minutes, I was at the line waiting for them to arrive. Time passed too slowly and I was growing anxious. Getting out of the car, I walked around to the front of it and began pacing back and forth. Something was wrong it shouldn't take this long, what's the hold up?
Hearing his car coming around the corner, my breathing started again, as I stood watching. He parked thirty yards away again. Waiting patiently for her door to open, it didn't. Hearing his thoughts and he wasn't lying, he had to wake her when he stopped the car.
She was disoriented when she woke and realized she was in Jacob's car.
"Oh, crap!" she gasped as reality set in. "How late is it? Dang it, where's that stupid phone?"
"Easy. It's not even midnight yet. And, I already called him for you. Look –he's waiting there," he pointed to me.
"Midnight?" she repeated.
"Here," he said, placing the phone in her hand.
"You called Edward for me?"
He smiled. "I figured if I played nice, I'd get more time with you."
Think again, his little games wouldn't work. He was attempting to be the bigger man, but I was already the bigger man, allowing her to come here in the first place. Besides, he couldn't be the bigger man… he was a dog.
"Thanks, Jake," she said. "Really, thank you. And thanks for inviting me tonight. That was…" she paused. "Wow. That was something else."
Okay, so perhaps I was wrong. Maybe his little act of kindness would impress her more than I thought… interesting.
"And you didn't even stay up to watch me swallow a cow," he laughed. "No, I'm glad you like it. It was… nice for me. Having you there."
Growing more impatient, I began pacing faster.
"Yeah, he's not so patient, is he?" Jacob said. "Go ahead. But come back soon, okay?"
"Sure, Jake," she promised, cracking the door open, finally.
"Sleep tight, Bells. Don't worry about anything –I'll be watching out for you tonight."
I'm sure he would, now that I said it was okay for him to cross the line to keep an eye on the house. What on earth was I thinking?
"No, Jake. Get some rest, I'll be fine."
"Sure, sure," he said.
"Night, Jake. Thanks."
"Night, Bella," he whispered.
Thank heavens I didn't think I could last much longer. Turning towards her, I stood still and waited. She came running toward me as I wound my arms tightly around her.
"Bella," I said, relief strong in my voice as it washed threw my body.
"Hi. Sorry I'm so late. I fell asleep and…"
"I know. Jacob explained," I started toward the car, and she staggered at my side. "Are you tired? I could carry you."
"I'm fine."
"Let's get you home and in bed. Did you have a nice time?"
"Yeah –it was amazing, Edward. I wish you could have come. I can't even explain it. Jake's dad told us the old legends and it was like… like magic."
"You'll have to tell me about it. After you've slept."
"I won't get it right," she said, as she yawned.
I chuckled, opening the door for her and lifting her in. Pulling the seat belt around her, I pressed it into place.
Dropping her at the house, I waited until she was safely inside. Pressing the gas, I drove back to my house to drop the car. Parking in the garage, Rosalie was patiently waiting for me. Was this going to be another talk? I hoped not, I was all talked out today. Bracing myself, I stepped out of the car. There was no telling what she had to say.
"Rose. What's up?" I asked cautiously.
"Edward. Not much," she answered suspiciously.
"Well, I'd love to chat, but I…" she interrupted before I had a chance to finish.
"This will only take a minute, I promise," she pleaded.
"All right, what is it?"
"I just wanted to say that Alice was right. You have to know that we all love you and don't want you to go anywhere, without us. And… I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused, it won't happen again. If Bella is what you want, then you should have her you deserve some happiness, Edward. And… she makes you happy, I can see that now and I'm happy for you. That's all, that's everything," she said as she put her head down.
"Rose!" I said.
"What?"
"Thank you, and I love you too. And by the way, you haven't been that much trouble," I said with a smile. "I've got to get back. See you later."
"Bye, Edward," She said with a smile, as I ran off.
Arriving in the forest just outside of Bella's house, I peered up at her window. There with the moonlight shining brightly reflecting off the glass, sat my angel looking out. Knowing she was searching for me, the excitement began to build. Seeing her beautiful face took my breath away. From a distance I heard the leaves rustle, snapping my head to the side, I stretched my extra-hearing out to figure out who it was. To my surprise, it was Esme, who immediately came to my side.
"I suppose it's your turn?" I asked.
"Yes. I've been here for a while. Nothing much going on here. Carlisle's coming to join me soon."
"There's really no need for that, Jacob will be here, if he's not already. Perhaps you two could take the night off," I offered.
"Well, I'll wait for Carlisle and see what he suggests. You go, I can see she's waiting for you," she said smiling.
"I know. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks Esme, for everything."
"Your welcome, Edward," she squeezed me tight in a hug, before letting me go.
Turning I ran for the house, quite aware of the two sets of eyes watching me, both Bella and Jacob. I scaled the wall and through the window to my sanctuary, where my angel sat waiting for me.
"Is Jacob out there?" she asked, shivering as I pulled her into the circle of my arms.
"Yes… somewhere. And Esme's on her way home."
She sighed. "It's so cold and wet. This is silly," she shivered again.
"It's only cold to you, Bella."
It didn't take long for her to succumb to sleep. Snuggled beside her I reached over to the floor and pick up the first book available. Wuthering Heights, figures, how could she still be reading such rubbish. Putting the book to the side, I began wondering about all the conversations I had today. Everyone seemed to have something to say to me, this didn't happen often in my family. That's probably because I already knew what everyone was thinking. So how come I hadn't know about these things?
Had I become a total recluse? Do I not hear anyone anymore? Pausing to think about that for a moment, that was it, that was the key. I had become so involved in the search for whoever this was I had shut down everyone else. Thinking for a moment, I couldn't remember the last thought I heard from anyone in my family. Could this be correct? Well, no wonder Alice thought I was leaving, I had shut myself completely of, as I had last year, when we did leave. That hadn't occurred to me, until now. I wasn't there bothering everyone with my annoying little gift, and I was no longer there with my constant humor about everything they did.
They missed me, and I them, being the reason for the way everyone was acting. I had to set them straight beginning with spend more time with my family, from now on. They needed to know how important they were to me, as I appeared to be to them.
Starting tomorrow, things around here were about to change. I had some work to do, both with Bella and my family.
Picking up the book again, I began flipping through the pages. After reading a few passages, I came upon one that I knew well.
And there you see the distinction between our feelings:
had he been in my place and I in his, though I hated
him with a hatred that turned my life to gall, I never
would have raised a hand against him. You may look
incredulous, if you please! I never would have banished
him from her society as long as she desired his. The
moment her regard ceased, I would have torn his heart
out, and drank his blood! But, till then –if you
don't believe me, you don't know me –till then, I
would have died by inches before I touched a single hair
of his head!
This was an exact description of my relationship –if you can call it that –with Jacob. As long as she desired his friendship, he could remain. I would not do anything to come between that, if that was what she desired. But, when she no longer wanted that friendship, all bets were off. Until that day came –as I knew it would –no harm would come to him.
Bella stirred herself awake. Immediately I threw the book on the floor, a reflex reaction, it landed on the floor, with a thud.
"Did I wake you?" I whispered.
"No," she mumbled, sighing as I tightened my arms around her. "I had a bad dream."
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
She shook her head. "Too tired. Maybe in the morning, if I remember."
Laughing I pressed my lips to her hair lightly.
"In the morning," I agreed.
"What were you reading?" she muttered.
"Wuthering Heights," I said.
"I thought you didn't like that book."
"You left it out," I murmured. "Besides… the more time I spend with you, the more human emotions seem comprehensible to me. I'm discovering that I can sympathize with Heathcliff in ways I didn't think possible before."
"Mmm," she sighed.
"It's amazing how similar we really are," I said, but she was already fast asleep.
As the nights used to drag on and on, now they seemed to pass by in a flash. Before I knew it, morning had arrived, bringing with it my cue to leave. Tighten my hold on Bella I kissed her, long enough to make her pulse race and her heart thud. Then, it was time to head home to change and get my car.
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