Stephanie Hwang
I rubbed Taetae's little scar on his chest with my thumb, snuggling close to it still panting slightly.
"You think your dad heard us?"
"I don't think so. Even if he did you'd be slaughtered by now."
He clicked his tongue and had a distressed face going on. "He doesn't scare me enough to not keep my dick in my pants." He said so seriously. I laughed, cuddling close to him, hearing his rapid thumping heartbeat.
He reached over me to turn then lamp off, wrapping the blankets around us tighter. I felt a lone hand around my shoulder, caressing me enough till I felt like going to sleep.
"What did he say to you, when he hit you?" I mumbled, nibbling on his collar bone.
"Nothing really, just the stuff he said to you. But, don't get mad at him. He's your father, and he's just doing what a father figure usually does. I envy you, i really do. I wished he was my father." He trailed off, sounding a bit too sad for my liking.
"You wouldn't want Papa Hwang as your father, he's scary. But also a gentle giant at the same time. But no really, he's scary."
"I want your Papa Hwang as my father. I didn't have one. I don't remember what my father looked like. I wish my father cared for me like he did with you Fany-ah, so don't resent him. He's just doing his job. He cares." He said, running his hand through my hair. I felt him kiss my forehead and that was the end of that. We just slept, without a word being said just because today was eventful enough.
I really wanted to know what they said between each other. A part of me was just hoping my dad didn't scare him off. Honestly, I also didn't think he'd lash out on Tae like this either. I thought he'd be accepting, but I was so wrong. Oops.
It was only couple of hours ago we were once asleep, but Tae woke me up wanting some love. So here we are now, after a couple of rounds I've never been so tired in my life. His sex drive was no joke.
I woke up extra warm this morning though. I felt my chest drenched in sweat and my arms a bit sticky. The man resting on my chest head was hot and his hair was damp from the sweat.
"Taeyeon-ah, why are you sweating so much lately, it's not even that hot outside." I nudge him to get him off me but he doesn't even move and inch.
"Taetae." I push his head up and I feel the intense heat radiating off him. I slapped my hand on his forehead a little too hard, making him wince and groan. His head felt like it was going to explode, hot like a nuclear warhead about to detonate from the sky, hot like Satan.
I gasped, slapping him on the shoulder. "Wait, Taeyeon you're sick!" He groans and rolls off of me, plopping his head down on a pillow.
His entire shirt was sticking to his back and he couldn't stop sneezing.
"Stop. Sneezing. You. Idiot." Every word I said was backed up by his sneeze and I don't understand why men sneeze so loud. It's loud enough to cause a mini earthquake and it pierced through my ear like 90% of the time.
I step out of the room to fetch him some Tylenol, a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a blanket or something.
I bumped into dad on my way down, yelping as he looked at me questionably with my 'emergency-Taeyeon-care-package' in my arms. "Hi dad, bye dad." I said quickly. He wasn't too impressed but whatever.
As soon as I step into the room, the big guy was wrapped in blankets like a huge boulder on the bed. He had tissues discarded all over the floor, and his shirt was on the ground.
I wonder if he felt like this a while ago. When I was sick, I was so needy, so whiny and an absolute attention seeker.
"I wasn't even gone for like a minute."
I fill a bucket of water from the bathroom and set it near the foot of my bed. I dip the towel in the water, wringing it out and bringing it to Taeyeon's face.
He slept so angrily, and I wiped his face creasing out that angry expression. He kept swatting my hand away, grumbling angrily. "Stop it, let me wipe you clean."
From his neck, to his chest and to his arms were droplets of water left by the cloth. Every stroke I made on him he shivered in his spot and held onto my hand. Clingy, cute.
I bring the covers up to his chest and tuck him to bed. He sighs in content and falls asleep quickly.
The rooms quietness was always too much for me, I wish he got better so he could fill it with his annoying voice.
A couple of hours later Tae stirred in his sleep and patted the space beside him. He got up quickly when he noticed I wasn't there. I leaned on the chair's frame, oberserving the wild bear.
"Cuddle with me." His hoarse clogged up voice was cute.
"You're sick Taeyeon-ah."
He pouts and leans on the headboard. He inhales deeply and exhales like a loud bull.
"I feel like shit Fany-ah. My ears are plugged and I keep crying even though I'm not sad like I have a plumbing problem with my eyes what the hell. Baby my throat is sore too." He rubs his eyes and sneezes a good 5 times before looking up at me like a confused puppy.
I watch him a little longer before returning to his laundry folding it neatly and putting it away.
He sneezes loudly and blows his nose obnoxiously. By the time I turned around the mountain of tissues had accumulated on the floor.
He smiles cheekily and opens his arms wide for me.
"Come to oppa. He's sick and he needs the best kind of medicine which is you."
"You're such a handful. I'm trying to keep this room a comfortable environment for you to be sick in and you're purposely trashing it."
"But you wouldn't cuddle with me." He whines, getting up to drag me back to the bed.
"Taeyeon-ah!" He lays on top of me, his head buried in the crook of my neck.
"I love you, let me love you." He smiles against my neck and brushes his lips against them.
"Not here, my dads home. Plus, you're sick." I cover his mouth with his hand trying to stop him from kissing me.
"Mmmmmm." He says against my hand and I released it from his lips to give him a quick peck before rubbing the corner of his eye.
"You're eyes are bloodshot. You look like a zombie." I say softly. He grins against my hand and kisses my palm.
"Hey, what happens if there was a zombie apocalypse and I turned into a got bitten by a flesh eating zombie, would you kill me or let me turn you into one?" He asks, biting on my palm like he was funny. Which he wasn't and I smacked his forehead for it.
"What kind of question is that? I'd kill you, you're not touching me with those gross hands baby." I giggle at his scowl. "What about you Tae? What if I was a zombie? What would you do?"
"I'd let you bite me because I'm kinky like that." He says seriously. I rolled my eyes, it's not the time for his sexual fantasies.
I reach over to the counter, pulling out eye drops and sitting my self up to lean on the headboard.
He nestles his head in my lap and I open his eye with my fingers. As I was about to drop a couple of the liquid into his eye, he moves away with a pale face.
"Oh my god. Stay still! Let me put some in!" I push his head into my lap and he squirms.
"Listen, it's scary." He whines pouting in the process.
"You will be the death of me." He sneezes and I bring a tissue up to his nose, gesturing him to blow. I clean his nose up and he smiles sheepishly.
"Go take a shower because you're germy, and snotty. Come down afterwards and eat okay? And don't forget to wash behind your eyes and neck." He nods and gets up, I couldn't help but squeeze his buns and he snapped his head to me.
He gasps. "Don't touch my ass. Don't be that perverted Donald Duck we encountered." He hisses, holding his head up high and marches to the bathroom door.
But I like Tae's buns. They're squishy. My god.
My dads sitting with his legs crossed like an intimidating father, reading his news paper and digging into his breakfast in a slow pace.
Freshly out of the shower was sparkly Tae walking towards me with a smile on his face as his hair glistened in the morning sun.
Maybe his favourite navy blue cartoon giraffe shirt and black shorts wasn't the best thing to wear to impress my dad but at least I appreciated it. His pecs still managed to look like it was about to burst from that shirt and that is what I lived for.
"Good morning." He kisses me on the head and sits down beside me eagerly taking his fork in his hand and eat his breakfast.
"Morning Mr. Hwang." Tae had spoke. My dad just grunted and flipped to another page of the newspaper.
I tap Tae's thigh underneath the table and he looks at me and I nod to let him be at ease.
"We're going boating today, get ready in 30 minutes." My dad gets up and folds the newspaper neatly before placing it on the table and walking away.
I hear Taeyeon exhale his breath and I smack his shoulder.
We laugh together and I feed him the rest of his breakfast as we converse normally, as if nothing happened.
"Are these layers even necessary? I feel like you're trying to suffocate me." He mumbles, mouth still stuffed with toast. I zip his jacket up and fix the collar of his dress shirt underneath.
"Yes they are, you're sick and we're going out to the sea you're going to be cold. Can you stop tugging at your collar?" I swat at his hands and he pouts.
"Yes ma'am." He salutes me while sniffling.
"Maybe you shouldn't go, you're too sick." I said, pulling out the rolled tissues he managed to stuff in his nose because he said his nose was literally a 'faucet' and it wouldn't stop 'leaking.'
"I'm fine. We can't disappoint Papa Hwang, after all I did bang his daughter when he told me not to. Many times." He sniggers proudly. I roll my eyes at him and he catches on trying not to burst out laughing.
"You are the source of my headaches." I say as he leans on to me, puckering his lips like a fish.
"No, you are sick, go away." But I couldn't deny his tired puppy eyes. I let him lean a little bit closer before a loud cough interrupts us. I pulled my hand away from his cheek and apologized through my eyes to dad.
My dad clears his throat gesturing with his eyes that it's time to go.
I pull Tae along and his grip on my hand seems weaker and weaker as minutes pass and I put my hand against his forehead.
He seems fine, but I can't be too sure.
Walking down the gravel path with our foots crunching the rocks underneath was satisfying and Taeyeon got a kick out of pushing rocks towards me. Stupid man child, he's going to get us killed one day.
My dad kept trekking on, looking back on us occasionally. Every time he did Tae and I quieted down and the atmosphere became intense.
The view of the bay I used to come to with my family was bittersweet. I remember myself running along the sand and climbing aboard my dads boat with my brother chasing after me and the distant shouts of my mom to tell me be careful.
The same ship hasn't changed, it sat there in the waters anchored to a wooden support in the water. It swayed gently against the current and I gently grazed my hand over the top of it.
Tae whistling at me with his hand out beckoning me to take it and climb aboard. I touch his hand, and with that he pulls me in gently and sets me on the boat. I sat on the very tip of the boat, holding onto the silver railing as my dad started to get the boat going.
I heard a loud thump behind me and I turned around to see a blob of human on the floor. Tae lifted his head up and rubbed the side of it, frowning and grumbling.
"Did you just?"
He nodded, resting his head back onto the floor. "I didn't see the step and I kind of ran to you and then I tripped and boom, splat." He untangles the rope at his feet too, managing to get caught up in that too, I couldn't stop smiling at my bear.
"You're such a mess?" I questioned, patting the spot next to me.
Like a bear, or a baby bear he crawled up to me on all fours quickly, settling himself next to me comfortably as we touched knees. Still, that got me feeling tingly all over.
I glanced up to the side profile of his face, admiring those happy but exhausted eyes, that slightly red nose and sharp jawline. I laced his rough hands into mine, feeling for him since he was a little sick.
We both sat in front of the boats deck, sitting on the white seats as we looked towards the ocean. My dad was behind us, steering the boat in its place looking onwards. The passing of islands and thickets of trees put me back to memory lane as I glance to my side seeing Tae mesmerized too. His hair was pushed all the way back because of the wind and he kept blinking, bringing the tissue to his nose and blowing.
He looked at me too, smiling and putting his hand on mine. He clutched it firmer and as minutes pass, he fell asleep on my lap.
It wasn't till a few hours out into the sea we stayed stationary on the side of an island just enjoying the view. Something about ocean waves calms me. It's enough to put Taeyeon to sleep.
I gently comb my fingers into his luscious jet black hair, looking down at the contours of his face. He was a little paler than usual, his nose was a slight tinge of red and his eyes were swollen due to having an excess amount of tears come out of them in which he blames the allergy for it and calls it 'manly tears of the season.'
His bruises and cuts from my dad didn't help his appearance either but I adored that angry face he made when he slept.
"Why do you look so angry all the time? It's not good for you." I whisper to him, the breeze just flows through us, I didn't expect a respond anyways.
"You're still cute though." I felt myself internally smiling. My hands couldn't stop caressing his face gently like the teddy bear he was. He seemed so lonely before, you could tell. He used to look so cold. So mean.
Now he's just a teddy bear that occasionally has a knife in his paws. Ready to threaten or stab you a million times. Yeah, what a description.
"He's a big man, I think he can take care of himself." Dad's voice broke my day dream. I don't even want to look up to the deck to see my dads disapproving face.
"I know he can, but there's nothing wrong with a little help." I replied, frowning.
"He's old enough to take care of himself. Do you see yourself with him in the future? Because if you look, you're going to be babying him. A damn housewife s what he's going to make you become Miyoung." He sternly said. That statement made me think though. Do I really see myself with him 10, 20 years from now? Right now, I kind of do? I have hope for us. I still do.
But what made me go off was how my dad said he'd make me into a housewife. How I'd baby him. I won't be, it's called caring. "I'm the one who wants to help him, I'm the one who voluntarily puts up with him. Why are you questioning every aspect of my life as if I'm still the same scared little girl that hid behind your back." I shot back, looking back into him disapprovingly.
I hated going against my dad. Last time I did this was when I wanted to become a singer or idol in Korea. I even got freaking selected by one of the top 3 companies. When he said no, and continued to say no I felt a part of me just fall out. Whatever though, I'm willing to fight even more for me and Tae just because I'm much older now. I guess age does help.
"Because I'm your father Miyoung! I can not live with myself knowing that almost a year ago you were close to being beaten to death! Your mother would have not forgiven me if she found out!" I hear the clinging of metal bars from the ships upper deck and I know my dad hit or threw something out of anger.
Tae sits up immediately and rubs his eyes staring at my father. My hand was still caressing the length of his arm, hanging my head low in shame. God please don't remind me of the past. Nichkhun was such a mistake.
"Mr. Hwang, I understand where you're coming from. Like I said, I admire you-"
"Shut up. Shut up you rich, entitled, ego inflated son of a bitch. You don't understand." I've never heard my father swear like that. So vulgar.
Tae clenched his jaw, his composure was going to crack I could see it. Last night he could control it when they first met, but now I don't know.
"Why don't shut your smart mouth before I kick you off the boat and then tell me what you have to say at the bottom of the ocean." I can hear the sneer my dads giving off and I just know this is going to blow up.
"You wanna threaten me? Do you know who the fuck I am? I've been nice and polite to your saggy ass and the least you can fucking do is give me some respect." And here come the curse words and threats from the infamous Tae. He's losing it and I don't want to see him in his 'other' form. I've seen him deal with gang members, but what makes this different is that the one he's dealing with now is my father. He can't be like that. I know he knows that.
"Respect?! You're asking for respect? You're disgraceful, if I were your parents I'd disown you on the spot." My dad fires back, letting his hands off the steering wheel and he came a bit closer to us and I'm just anticipating Taeyeon's answer to his jab. I don't know what to do.
"News flash old man, my parents are fucking dead." Tae practically growls that and he stood up from his seat. Crap.
"Taeyeon-ah, sit down please. Don't say anymore, just leave it." I tug at his hand and he looks back quickly before averting his attention back at my dad on top of the deck.
"No fuck that, your dads a fucking asshole. Let her do whatever the fuck she's wants, she's 26. She's not so little anymore and she's fully capable of making decisions based on what she wants without you babying her. The fuck are you doing controlling her life as if she's 10?" He spat out those words to my father and my dad looked like he was about to hit him some more.
"Look at him. Miyoung, what do you think will happen when he gets angry at you? He'll hit you, he'll abandon you, he'll leave you suffering. He won't understand your pain. I've been through it with you, I know. He's no different from anyone I've seen. Listen to me for once." My dad kind of pleaded, and I was so conflicted at this point. I felt sucked in, like I still had to listen to my father. That kind of trap.
"I'm not like that, don't compare me to whatever the fuck you've seen. That's not fair to me and we talked about this yesterday, does it ring a bell old man?" Tae hollered but I still felt like my dad was right. I still doubted Tae. There were times I felt like I was here with him because of my own self guilt.
My dad snapped is heads toward Taeyeon, and it was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. "Shall I give you another black eye? You know, to match the other one I gave you yesterday." My father says with a sneering taunting tone and steps closer to him. Tae's fists clenched and when he was about to get closer I stood in front of Taeyeon and pushed him back with while hugging him. His heart was racing incredibly fast and I wrapped my arms around his waist.
No violence. Not between the ones I love.
"Tae, please don't do this please?" I whisper into his ear and I feel the tears brimming my eyes. Is our relationship that bad? So bad that my dad disapproves of this so much.
He's never hit, I've never seen him yell that loud, cuss in my life or even go out of his way to make someone feel like crap. He's nice, he's a kind father. He's my dad, he's the most handsomest, strong hearted, driven, bravest dad I will ever have.
I feel Tae trying to resist and I pulled his face down to face mine which startles him. One little glance and I see how angry he is. I rub the shell of his ear and caress his jaw. He returns the glance and his expression eases but it's still flaring mad as he kept our gazes together
"Taetae, he's my father. You know I love you, I can't leave you. Tae I love you." I whisper gently into his ear and rubbed his back hoping it'll calm him down.
I can't even witness this between him and my father. My heart was throbbing at the sight of them two fighting. It hurts so much. I can hear his heavy breathing and my heart feels heavy for him.
He tried to move his hand but I brought it down and held it within mine. "I love you so much Taeyeon-ah, so so much." I said into the side of his head as I wrapped myself tighter around him as I rocked side to side with him in my hold. I repeated those words over and over again to help him subside his anger. I felt like everything I knew to calm him down was basically thrown out, trying to do everything I can.
His hand that was placed on my back balled into a fist as I heard my dad taunt him even more. Everything was muffled and all I could hear was Taeyeon's breathing and his incredible heartbeat. When I felt him try to push me away I resisted and glanced up to kiss him.
I rubbed the shell of his head and my other hand had his shirt gripped into my hand tightly. I felt his anger subside through our lips and when he responded back by parting his lips slightly I knew he was going to be okay. I pulled back and he had a soft look in his eyes but a clear frown.
We succeeded, he controlled himself and I felt so proud.
My tears were streaming freely down my cheeks and I kissed the side of his head softly. Each kiss was stained with my salty tears and when I felt him hold me closer with his hands on my back my body shook and I cried harder.
"Just take me home dad. I can't do this anymore after this. I'll leave tonight." My eyes are no good, always crying and never smiling like Taeyeon told me to do.
He gently took me to the front of the boat and we faced away from my father. I never knew what my father was like at the moment because I didn't look at him when I was trying to console Taeyeon. I don't want to.
Tae pulls me onto his lap and he kisses the crown of my head while bushing my fringe away. He wraps me in his jacket and he smiles weakly while kissing my tears away.
"We'll be okay." I longed for the words at a time like this. My hand automatically cupped his face when he said that. I shy away from him like I always do when he says those words but this time he made me look at him. He repeats those words and I leaned into his shoulder letting the wind cool us from our heated exchange as the boat moves forward.
For moments I thought it had been hours of me just sitting on the seat with my body shifted toward the sea, letting the silent tears fall.
Taeyeon, he just stared at me and caressed my body. We both didn't say anything. From the corner of my eye I can see him looking at me with his eye furrowed and concern in his eyes.
He let me be, but never did he leave me alone.
When we arrived at the dock I wasted no time walking back up the trail and into the house.
I hoisted our luggage a from the closet and started filing it to the brim with Tae and I's clothes. My tears fell and I wiped them away harshly. Tae sat down on the bed watching my every move and I didn't slow down.
Clothes after clothes and frustrated tears later I gave up and sat on the floor. I crawled towards Taeyeon, and rested on top of his knees on the floor.
I didn't want to look at him, and he made no move to shifting his position to do that. He did what I've always did to him, and was to caress my head gently.
I buried my head in his legs and cried. Sometimes I feel like I had heart problems because of the clenching and unclenching my heart did every time I inhaled.
I breath in the scent of his sandalwood and felt the throbbing of my head increase.
"Ho-hold me Taeyeon-ah, I ne-need you, I ne-need you so much." He takes a hold of my arm, pulling me up to meet his eyes. I straddled his hips as he lowered himself on the bed.
Each rub on my back and touch on my face was an invitation to sleep. He never did fail to clean me up and say those heartfelt words that made me swoon over him.
"It sucks because I don't want you to go against your father. He only does it because he loves you Fany-ah, don't let him go because he's the only father you've got. I personally think he's a fucking asshole, but I know he means well, and that's coming from me. Don't be like me, don't distant yourself from your father. I'm really sorry." His deep croaky voice is still a second home to me and for him to fill that eerie silence was everything to me.
I shook my head. "You have nothing to apologize for." I whispered.
"God, imagine if I punched the man. This situation would've been 10 times worse. I'm just glad you were there. Who knows what I would've done. Doesn't matter, lets sleep it off and go home tomorrow." I let go of his balled up shirt in my fist when he told me comforting words.
Growing up, I slept in my father arms. Never did a night past that I didn't. He's cradle me to sleep and I've always woken up beside him and when I didn't I'd cry and look everywhere for him.
Taeyeon, he's my replacement to that. The one that can understand me and love me more. To treat me right and be with me for the rest of my life as long as I'm alive. stand by this statement. I want to prove my dad wrong.
How do I thank someone like Tae when I can't even gather the strength to say 'I love you' back as he's comforting me.
It's the only thing that he wants to hear but I cry even harder thinking about the things he's done for me, and sleep on his chest.
I woke up to the sound of him sniffling and clearing his nose every few minutes. The movements caused me to stir and he wasn't sleeping at all, he was in constant pain and ache as his cold kept him awake.
I stroke his head and stop the arm from reaching for a tissue. I reached for it myself and helped him clear his nasal. He kept trying to clear his throat and struggled to even breathe and I wanted to help him in anyway I could, but sometimes you just have to let him be.
The table beside us had a mound of used tissue and Taeyeon was weakly holding onto my hand. It hurt me to see him like this but with his swollen eyes due to his watery eyes and the chills he had all over his body, I couldn't do anything.
He points at his throat and I reach for the glass of water and inserting a straw for him to drink out of. He leans on the headboard lifelessly and sips slowly, each gulp he winced at the pain.
I went downstairs to heat up some soup and came back upstairs to see him in the same position; mouth ajar and eyes barely closing.
I sat at the edge of the bed and puff he pillows up for him. The extra sweat radiating off him was sticky and gross, so I wiped it off with a towel cleaning him up. I blew into the hot soup to get it just the right temperature for him.
I brought the spoon up to his chapped lips and he slowly turns away from it.
"Taeyeon-ah, eat it's good for you." His droopy eyes stay the same and I ended up straddling his hips as he leaned all the way back on the beds headboard refusing to eat.
"It's 4 in the morning and hot soup can do you justice Taeyeon-ah." I gesture it to his lips again and he slowly opens and I put the spoon into his mouth feeding him.
I repeat it till the bowl was half empty before he shakes his head and groggily refuses to drink anymore.
"One more Taetae, just one more." I coaxed him with every spoonful and by the time that 'one more' turned into several more, it was gone.
Just like how he fed me when I was sick, how he held me and cuddled me because I was so freaking needy. I'll return the favour.
I wipe the corner of his mouth with the towel and he lays on his back opening the covers like it's an invitation for me to rest with him.
"Get well, bear. Be strong and be healthy for me." I whisper and kiss him on the cheek before rubbing his chest to coax him to sleep. My hands went underneath his pajama button up, lifting it up to see that scar I hated with a burning passion. I rubbed it with my thumb, noticing how scars seem to take forever to fade away. I want it gone and out of my sight because it serves as an intense reminder of how I almost lost him.
For the next few hours, I drifted in and out of sleep. Waking up a few times to check up on my sick bear. Every time he jerked awake and try to sit up, I rubbed his tummy with vapor rub and he immediately fell back asleep to my pats.
Morning came and I didn't hesitate to walk out to the taxi and load everything up myself. The race to the airport was frantic and I wanted to leave memory lane as fast as I could.
My dad stood in the front of the door not saying a single thing after our boat trip and Taeyeon takes off his hat once again and gave him a little bow out of respect I guess. It's not like I expected him to do that after they bickered and almost had a fist fight. But maybe he did it because of me and how upset I was.
I kissed my father on the cheek, whispering a 'bye.' He nodded slightly, eyes looking a little dim.
Taeyeon's hand guides me to the taxi and as we drove away my eyes still never left that position. I could see my dad look at me too and we never broke the gaze till we grew too distant.
When we got back home I let everything just drop on the floor, luggage, my jacket, shoes and my purse, all that. I had no energy, I just wanted to just sleep it away. Taeyeon knew I was upset and let me be.
Every once in a while he'd walk out of his office to check up on me on the living room, I was slowly drifting off to sleep when I felt a kiss on my cheek. I curled myself towards his hand that was tickling my chin playfully.
I swatted it away, mumbling a 'go away.' He sniggered, nodding his head and kissing the side of my head. I didn't hear from him after that, but it made me feel a lot better.
A phone call from Sooyoungie and Bora kept me awake though, talking about Sooyoung's new hot famous actor boyfriend really kept me awake. I loved it, I can't wait to meet him. I told Tae about Soo's boyfriend so many times, it gotten to the point where he hates him now because I suspect he's a little jealous from all the love Soo's boyfriend is getting from me.
He's a famous actor, my favourite actor. I've watched all his drama's, I even have a poster of him. Who knew, my bets friend would score him. Ugh, yes. Sooyoung, you go girl.
I was humming while baking cookies. I thought the smell would attract the bear to come out of his cave but it didn't. Doesn't matter though, I'll bring it to him.
I skipped the Tae's office, holding a bunch of cookies I just baked because I felt too happy. Plus, who wouldn't want cookies. I walked by, going to peek in but I heard his rumbling voice dripping with anger.
I leaned against a wall, hands on the plate of treats I made. I listened in, hoping it wasn't something too bad.
"I don't have that type of money to give you."
"Listen, if we keep this up I won't have a single penny left in the bank."
"The money I'm giving isn't for funding your party lifestyle, get your fucking shit together."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Anything that is bad that happens in both work and the triad is going to end up blown up to the max. I'm afraid. The more problems there are the more he works and the more he's going to be caught up in something.
He slammed his phone on his desk, ruffling up his hair in frustration. He dug around the drawers, pulling out his medicine.
I saw him open his orange pill container and take two blue ones. For his chest pains, his ever growing chest pains that seem to get worse lately.
I felt guilt. It was still there despite having time pass.
His pills remind me of his declining health.
His scar just underneath the area of his heart was the ultimate reminder everyday for me when I saw it.
A reminder that screamed 'death.'
I watched my bear a little longer, but when I realized that he lit a cigar and started to pour himself a drink I soon found myself at the foot of his desk, smothering out his cigar and a hand on his glass of liquor.
"What?" He asked, frowning.
"You don't mix prescription pain killers with drugs and alcohol."
"I need it." He grumbled, moving my hand away from his glass but I gripped it harder.
"Taeyeon." I warned.
"I'm not asking you again Fany-ah."
"You can't do this to your body, you're hurting enough. The substances you're putting in your body is harming it further, please listen to me for on-" He cuts me off by throwing the glass at a wall.
"I don't want to hear it! Of all people I don't want it to come form you, so fuck off and let me be for fuck sakes."
"I almost lost you Taeyeon! You're killing yourself faster at this rate and I don't want to lose you!"
"But you didn't, I'm alive aren't I? So hand me back my box of imported from South America." He gestured with his fingers for me to give it back but I held them. I saw how his other hand was clenching onto the end of his deck and any second now he'd probably rip a corner of that mahogany table off.
"Do you even care?" I whisper. Because I do. I care about you.
"I'll live. It's not an excessive amount. I've done it before, the pain killers aren't that strong." An addiction, that's what he has because all he could ever look at was this cigars in my hand and not even me.
"No, do you even care about how I feel?" I asked, expecting some sort of response. How much sense do I have to knock into him.
He stood there with a straight face and I threw the box of cancer sticks at his chest. I didn't need him to answer because I got it from him just standing there.
I walked out of his office, scooping Prince into my arms.
The dinner tonight won't be made. I'll have a meal for one.
Does he realize how much guilt
I have stored inside of me towards him? I can't look at a fruit knife and think of it as a tool that cuts fruit. To me it was a weapon that he used to almost kill himself.
Those pills were to ease his chest pains.
I needed to take care of him, I owed him.
Even though there was some distancing between us that night with us not eating dinner together, we still slept in the same room.
He turned on his side, facing away from me while I was leaning against the headboard with a novel in my lap.
I eventually dozed off but I slipped in and out of sleep uncomfortably. I hated how that arm wasn't around me, or how my backside was cold. I missed being the little spoon. This is horrible, I can't even stay away from Taebear for more than a couple of hours and I start to show withdrawal symptoms.
Gosh.
I heard the shuffles of blankets and the bed squeaking, it no longer dipped and I turned on my side and opened my eyes.
He wasn't there anymore and I heard the closer being rummaged through and I sat up, seeing him dress up at exactly 2:47 AM.
"Where are you going?" I asked, grabbing his pillow and putting it on my lap.
"Work." He muttered, he couldn't even look at me when he said that. He just continued buttoning up his shirt.
"The office?" I prayed. Please be that type of work, not the work with the triad. Please please?
"No." He simply said. "The one you don't like."
I stared at the back of his head, glancing periodically at the hand on the door knob.
"Don't."
"I have to go."
"Taeyeon." I warned.
He turned around, brows knitting with a distressed face. "This is one of those things you can't stop me from doing. We went over this, multiple times. I have to go. No arguments." He said firmly and from there I knew I couldn't really say anything.
"You're going to get hurt." I tried to reason.
"I've been going out for the past 3 months like this, I've been fine Fany-ah."
"Y-You've done this behind my back for 3 months?" I thought it was only a couple of days he did this. That was why I guess I was 'okay' with it in the beginning, but not anymore. I've gotten so increasingly worried. I'd rather not find Tae dead in the bed because of his enemies.
"Not exactly, you knew I went. I leave when you're asleep and comeback before you wake up. I've come back unscathed, unharmed." He said. I wanted to get mad at him, yell at him for doing such thing but I can't.
I guess he knew I was unconvinced because he sighed. "Remember that promise I made you that night? when I started going back to the triad?"
I shook my head. He smiled, and nodded his head. "I promised you that every time I had to do something involving the triad that I'd always come back to you. If I broke it, you'd personally come and beat me up." He said with a chuckle.
Oh. That promise. Okay, that was a good promise.
I stood up and tiptoed to Tae, digging myself into his jacket and wrapping myself around his body. "Can you not go tonight? I-I want to sleep with you." I mumbled against his chest, hoping that at least maybe he'll feel bad and he'll stay?
"I have to go. I'm sorry." He said, patting my back.
"Then take me with you, please?"
"That is literally out of the question. Absolutely not." He pulled me away from him and looked at me sternly.
"Then you're not going." I pulled away from him, crossing my arms. I didn't want to have a standoff with him, but I didn't want him to go. It's always going to be bad things every time he's involved with that crap.
"Fany, I'm not going to ask you again."
"I'm not going to ask you again either." I shot back.
"You're kidding me, right?" He asked bluntly. I shook my head.
He clenched his jaw like he always did when he got pissed off. He tried to move me to the side but I ended up just standing in front of the door.
"Take me with you."
"It's dangerous."
I shrugged.
"I'm not letting them see you, they'll think we got back together or something."
"Are we not?" I narrowed my eyes at him.
"We are, but they don't know that." He muttered. I still stood infront of the door and he sighed, putting his hands on his hips. "Fany-ah, have you ever wondered why every time we go out there's no paparazzi? Or everywhere you go you don't seem to be fucking mauled by anyone or anything? That it's a very rare case that it does?"
I nodded. I did wonder that, many times.
"There's so many thing that happen behind the scenes that you don't know about. I have to worry about every little thing when it comes to you, so please make my life easier by staying home, sleeping and not coming with me."
"I-I can't. I won't be able to sleep knowing you're out there doing something that will eventually kill you."
"Then that's fine with me, stay up watch TV play with Prince or some shit. Wait for me to get home then."
"Taeyeon-ah, I don't want you to go, and if you do go take me with so at least I get to at least be with you when you're doing these things."
"We went over this, I'm not risking them see you, and I'm not risking them taking you away from me. It's stupidly dangerous for you and I'd rather you shut up, sit pretty and wait for me to get home. I'm not arguing over this Fany-ah." He pushed me to the side but I grabbed a fistful of his jacket, pulling him lightly. I didn't need force to yank him back. It was a warning already.
"I'm being really patient with you right now. It's taking every cell in my fucking body to not yell at you. My pissed off levels are through the roof right now. Fany-ah, I don't want to hurt you." He said lowly. I frowned at the tone. Was it wrong to just care for him?
"Taeyeon-ah, just listen to me?"
"Listen? You call your fucking nagging listening? Fuck sakes, I'm gonna say it here but you're getting really damn annoying. Tonight with my cigarettes, and now with this bullshit of you wanting to come to work with me? Enough. Sit down, and let me do my shit. Stay out of it." He snapped. I stood there, swallowing down those words. It sliced through me like hot butter. It started to gnaw away at my consciousness.
There's so many parts of him, I feel like I didn't even meet half of them yet. I've never met this side of Taeyeon who so easily brushed me off.
He turned around, hands on his hips. He had a flame in his eyes, looking at me with a dim light. He started to move forward again but the grip on his jacket tightened, pulling him again.
"If you step out of that door and close it leaving without me , don't expect me to be here waiting for you." I said. His eye kind of twitched and I could hear his skin being squeezed tightly.
He slammed open the door leaving it wide open and briskly walked out, opening the front door for me too. I grabbed a jacket, my purse and my phone quickly. Darting down the stairs to catch him up, hearing the car's engine rev up.
I opened the car's door and without a glance I knew he as furious, but he didn't say anything.
I watched out the window, staring at the city lights that seemed to disappear. It was always like this, heading out of the city to go into the middle of nowhere, that's where the triad operated.
He got out of the car in the middle of literally nowhere. Ahead of us was a tunnel, covered by a blue tarp. I got out of the car too, shutting the door and hearing my shoes grind against the gravel making that patchy sound.
I looked behind me, paranoid that something's going to happen. It always does. I shuffled towards Tae, but he was already so many steps ahead of me. He didn't even wait for me.
I pulled my jacket closer to me, quickening my paces. I didn't want to be left behind, but I guess Tae's really trying to do that.
He turned a corner and I panicked for a few moments when I didn't see him ,but when I turned the corner too my vision of him reappeared and it was okay.
Surrounding me, was the echoiest, largest, dirtiest, eeriest tunnel ever. It smelt like urine, had a pool of dirty sewage water along the bottom and it had rats littered everywhere. It didn't help that the constant drips of fluid were so pronounced in here.
I turned back, checking behind me once again. Truthfully, I was afraid. Someone that followed us, or something that'll attack. I wanted Tae by my side, because every time he was I didn't have to worry as much. I felt protected, always.
But right now, not so much when he's being the biggest douchebag on earth.
Pitter patter and the taps of my shoes on the concrete and the splashes of it occasionally dipping into the low water.
I exhaled when we reached an intersection, it was gated off on both sides and Taeyeon slipped through the jagged bars and continued walking. I stood there, confused. I didn't know what to do.
But my legs did, and that was to keep going. So I did,. I grasped the rusty metal. The flakes of eroded metal came off onto my palm and I wiped them on my jacket. I knelt, crawling underneath the broken door because it was faster than squeezing in.
I stood back up quickly, almost stumbling over but I can't lose the sight of him. "Taetae?" I asked quietly, hoping that he'll stop and wait for me.
Pitter, patter.
He kept walking. His stupid inflated ego.
I don't know how long this went on, but my legs started to feel numb. It didn't help that my adrenaline was pumping and I was on edge like 99% of the time. But I kept walking, not wanting to lose the trail of Tae.
He was in a way, ruthless. Merciless. That hard, cold, egg headed asshole.
I wanted to tell him that what if in this moment I got separated from him, I got lost, or someone took me? What then. What happens after that?
I shook the thoughts of out my head and finally relaxed when he came to a stop infront of a white door that had chipping paint, and poor vegetation growing over it. He didn't go in. Not at all.
But I ran to him, smiling a bit when I did because I felt so relieved. I was closer to him, the constant checking behind my back wouldn't be as necessary.
I was behind him. directly behind him and when I heard the loud echoes of a group getting louder and louder, probably coming closer to us, I felt my back shoved.
Into the dark room I stumbled in and with my knees ad hands n the ground I turned around at the only source of light which was only emitted from the door Tae had opened.
He stood there tall and strong at the door. His body, his face as so dark and the only thing I saw was the bright light coming from the sewers behind him.
"Taetae?" My voice cracked, I quickly stood up and lunged at thee door but my body just slammed right into it. The force sending me jolting just a bit back and I eyed the door with teary eyes.
I crawled over to it, shouting his name with a trembling voice.
"Tae? Taeyeon! Please don't do this, don't leave me in here! Taeyeon!" My palm kept hitting the metal door repeatedly.
At that moment I felt small.
In this dark room where the only light that shone through was through the slit underneath the door between the floor.
"It's your little punishment for insisting to come with me. You're safe here so sit pretty I'll come and get you later." He shouted and with that I heard his footsteps.
"Taeyeon. ." I murmured, sliding down the door. He left. That idiot, that stupid prick. That hot headded egg was my boyfriend. I trusted him and defended him in front of my dad and now I feel like a fool. I feel so frustrated but at the same time my body was hyped up. It felt too jittery. I didn't understand wy my body was acting like this.
I turned around and then it settled. I realized the scope of my environment and I started to panic.
It felt so familiar.
Pitch black room. Empty room, how far did it go? I didn't know.
I was too afraid to move my feet away from the door, because if I did I probably wouldn't be able to find it again.
My back was against the door, feeling it's metal coldness on my back. I rested my head on top of my knees, knocking on the door periodically.
It felt exactly like it had been, a year ago.
I had to be quiet or else something bad will happen. It always does, he never liked it when I made a sound.
I had to sit still, sit pretty. Wait for him to come home and open the door for me. He had to make sure I was still here, that I hadn't tried to escape or do anything 'funny.' That I was still his, and no one else's. That no one in the world could see me, and that I was only possessively his and his only.
I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything but sit. I cried, quietly. I waited for him, and those hours were so long. I felt so lost in here, like I was shut off towards everything and everyone for hours on end till he came back from work.
But when he did come home. I had to have a smile. I had to greet him properly or bad things started to happen.
I remember those bruises, those beatings. That verbal abuse he spat at me constantly started ramming inside my head.
Nichkhun, he still had the biggest imprint on me.
I hate myself till this day of how I let myself believe that whatever he did to me was normal. That it was okay, and no one had to know. They couldn't know. For the love of god how I remember talking to a neighbor once and Nichkhun taped my mouth shut for a day as punishment for talking to another human being in fear of me saying something that'll alert the person of the horrific things Nichkhun has done to me.
Even so I live happier days right now with Tae, there's still so much bad.
Right now I'm sitting in this pitch dark room that resembles my memories. The thoughts and the past that had me so scarred, so shaken up and so paranoid. The worst part was, the one who recreated this moment was Tae.
He was the one who locked me up, he was the one I'm waiting for right now to come and open the door for me.
I curled my small hand into a fist. I felt so angry and hostile against Tae. I wanted to prove my dad wrong that he was different, he'd treat me well.
Dad was right though. The thinds he had pointed out was becoming more of a reality.
At some point I started crying again, hearing my own sobs in the echoey room. I hated how I couldn't see anything, no sign of living. I was scared shitless.
I heard Tae's voice suddenly boom. How close was he, I didn't know but I could hear all their conversations.
"Where's my fucking payment?" He said, and I heard the clicking of a gun.
"I-It'll come, give me another 5 days the money will go thr-" The shaky small voice still managed to be projected to me.
"I don't have time. I really don't." Tae growled.
"There's nothing I can do, I don't get the money from the dealer till tue-" The guy didn't get to finish his sentence before a loud bang rang out. A shot, a gun shot.
The unidentified voice hollered in pain, gurgling his saliva and practically screaming murder.
"F-Fuck! Come on Kim!" I didn't even want to imagine where he got shot, and how bloody he was.
"2 days, or the other side of your pelvis gets shot off." Taeyeon had said and another shot rang out and I didn't hear anything after that. Just a low wisp that seemed to circle around this room.
No voices, no conversations just water flowing from outside the sewer trenches.
My hands were on the metal door, shaky in fact. That was my Taebear. He did that, I don't know if he killed but he threatened. He injured someone.
I know I wanted to come with, but I didn't mean to see those things. Or hear them. I just wanted to make sure he would be alright, that maybe he'd make less brutal choices if I was around.
He's a whole different person when he's working his illegal violent job. Almost someone I don't know but what did I expect.
I wonder what he's truly like. I wanted to see all of him.
Didn't matter at this moment though. I sat pretty waiting for something to happen or for my boyfriend to fucking open the door to the room he trapped me in.
I heard the rattling of keys, and maybe the lock being fiddled with. I stood up and I'd find a weapon at this point to help myself but it was too dark.
I'm hoping that Taeyeon because if that isn't I'm going to lose my mind.
The door opened and with an oil lamp shone Heechul, smiling at me.
"H-Heechul?"
"Hello, your friendly neighbourhood favourite oppa is here." He smiled a warm one and I couldn't deny the warm feeling of light or another person being here in this lonesome crap hole.
A woman, a really pretty woman stepped aside and waved too. I wasn't confused or anything but I didn't think Heechul would have a girlfriend or something. Or a wife?
"Hi!" She said rather with a bubbly tone. I waved back and greeted her.
"Seolhyun, I'm Seolhyun, Heechul's slave." She said sticking her hand out. At that point I didn't know if she was serious about being his slave or not but I shook her hand.
Heechul chuckled, shaking his head while placing the oil lamp on the counter beside us.
The light emitted enough light for the room to be lit. It was empty and as lonely as I thought it was. There was nothing.
I turned around and fidgeted with my fingers, not knowing what to say. "I-I."
"I don't know why you're in this room either. Save it." He says, putting his hand up. It guess it was a miracle he found me. I think I would've lost it if I was in here longer than I was.
"I hate your dongsaeng." I mumbled, walking beside him.
"I do too, sometimes."
"How did you. ."
"Heard you cry. It was familiar to me so I just opened this door. Didn't think you'd be in it but here you are. Let's get you out of here shall we?"
"Wanna go get chicken nuggets." Seolhyun chimed in, linking my arms. I had no idea who she I as, but she was actually very attractive. I guess nice and bubbly but it could've come off as fake.
But who was I to judge.
"Y-Yes?" But what about Tae?
The door opened and I stared at it. The one I was just worrying about showed up, and just like that all that worry vanished.
I was just ticked off, pissed off, and utterly upset by then.
He walks in, opening the door further waiting for me to get up and go.
"Alright, I'm done let's go." He said happily, like he's done nothing wrong.
"Oh hey Hyung, Binoo. Didn't see you guys there." He says, fist bumping Heechul. What the hell did he just call Seolhyun, I didn't realize they knew each other.
I wasn't excited to see him for once. All I saw was, him. He wasn't the one I fell in love with. He's so different, he wasn't Taeyeon.
"Do I not get a 'hello?' or a 'welcome back baby?' sheesh." He said. He's just like Nichkhun. Those words, god it sounded just like him.
I stood up and walked past him, bumping shoulders. "I'm done with you." I whispered.
"Excuse me?" He snapped.
I didn't reply, just kept walking where I wanted to go. At this point if I were to get jumped then let it be. Anywhere but where Tae was.
"You don't even know the way, so don't start walking places because you're mad at me." I muttered, still catching up to my pace.
I shrugged, continuing to walk along the side of the tunnel to avoid any gross water.
"You were okay with this before, what fucking changed? Why are you so nosey into my business all of a sudden? What happened?" He growled once more, growing increasingly angrier by the second.
I chose to stay quiet but my mind had all sort of things to say. I suddenly cared when you had to pop pills because of your condition. You were the one who almost killed yourself because of all this triad bullshit. I kept ignoring him when he kept trying to pry.
"Are you serious?" He said, walking right beside me before infront of me, making me bump his chest.
He held me stay put with a firm hand on my shoulder. "You're so fucking childish. I work so hard risking my ass for you and you can't even understand this entire operation. Do you know how fucking hard it is for me to do this for you? While you're out here, acting up and shit making my job harder than it is. Fuck sakes Fany-ah." I pushed his hand away, turning away to face the other way.
I wiped away my tears quickly, still walking forward. I was praying that he couldn't see me, because I'd probably cry even more if he did.
I was upset at what he said, because he didn't know how I felt about this, about what he did just now with abandoning me in there in a dark room for hours, about this entire triad crap.
"Great, now you're crying. What now?" He groans, seeming to get even more annoyed with me.
He's too much, he's too harsh with his words. He's insensitive. He doesn't realize this but I didn't say anything. It only makes it worse because he's so stubborn.
"Hey, I'm talking to you. Answer me."
He grabbed my by my arm and turned me around. I just stood infront of him not even fighting it.
I was so tired.
"Stop fucking running away. You always do this." He growled.
"You're too much Taeyeon-ah." I whispered and he let go of me, knitting his brows.
He seemed a bit shocked and guilt was written all over his face. But I doubt he knows what he did wrong though.
Heechul came out and interrupted us, finally catching up to the mess that we are in the middle of some stinky sewer.
I held onto Heechul's arm, whispering him to take me home.
"Are you sure?" He said back in a hushed tone. I nodded, dear god please take me home.
By the look of Tae's face I didn't think he was too happy with me but I went home with Heechul. He didn't chase, he didn't call.
Heechul dropped me home and asked me if I was okay. I nodded and thanked him for the ride.
I went into our room and packed my purse and wore another pair of jeans and a shirt because my other ones were tainted and smelly from tonight's episode.
Thanks Tae.
I was so close to leaving without getting caught but he was already at the door looking all sad and crap.
I walked back in the hallway and leaned against a wall. I knew I couldn't leave without an explanation. He made sure because his body was blocking the entire door.
"I know what happened with you and your ex. Your father told me." He mumbled, scratching the back of his head.
"You don't know everything Taeyeon."
"I know enough." He said, playing with his tie. He's so stubborn.
I shook my head. "You don't know how bad it hurts. You don't know how I was locked up in a closet for 7 hours a day, 5 times a week every time Nichkhun left for work. How he starved me in the dark room for hours, how he came home at 4:30 PM sharp to hit me because I didn't greet him properly. I never told you, so you don't know."
He held his breath, brows knitting and immediately he looked so guilty.
"Do you even care about how others will feel? Do you take into account other people in your life because if surely does seem like you don't." I asked, unlocking my phone to see the nearest coffee shop around here. It was so early in the morning, I'd been at 'work' with him for 5 hours since 2 AM.
"I care for you. I don't want to lose you again so I worry. I love you Taeyeon-ah, and with that comes the inevitable of your significant other caring. I can't stress this enough, I care. Please understand?" I pleaded, he looked guilty enough and I didn't want to push it. Just him understanding is enough for me.
I sighed. "Dad was kind of right about you, and us."
"No, no he wasn't. Fany, please don't say that?" He looked alerted, stepping closer to me and he wanted to touch me but I guess my narrowed eyes at his hand stopped him from doing it.
I shrugged. I don't know, my mind is pretty much influenced by my father now. The things he's said, and the things Taeyeon has done recently just proved his points.
"You've crossed the line Taeyeon-ah, and I'm not happy with it." I said quietly.
I took the car keys from hall table and grabbed my coat, slipping on a pair of sneakers as he watched.
"Where are you going?" He asked in a small voice. I looked away but even though I did that I saw form the corner of my eyes his head had hung low.
"Fresh air? I won't leave you if that's what you're worried about. I'll come back."
"H-Hey? Don't?" He said with a quivering voice.
I shook my head, I needed to go for a little break.
"Will you be back?" He asked, a gentle hand on my arm.
I nodded. "I'm not leaving. I'll come back to make you lunch. Don't worry Taeyeon." He nodded once, understanding what I was asking for. I left him there standing when I went through the door.
In his black sedan I took, I pressed the start engine button but noticed a pink card at my feet beside the foot pedal.
I leaned down, picking it up seeing some sort of female escort service.
A little note was written in black ink in contrast to the pink business card beside the phone number.
'I had a good time Toopy, let's do it again.'
Toopy? I don't understand, did they give each other fucking pet names?
I threw the card on the dashboard, seeing it in the corner of my eye as I kept driving. It hurt. I can't deny that. The thoughts of him doing what broke us up before scared me. The feeling of me not satisfying him enough, or me not enough for him made me feel less of a person I already thought I was.
I was upset, but I wanted an explanation from him. I wasn't going to accuse him of something. I'm praying it's just nothing, I really want us to last.
That got us nowhere last time. But I'm afraid of finding out the truth. When this happened before he really did cheat. I don't want to hear him saying he did it again.
This time I wouldn't know what to do.
Maybe I couldn't handle us being together, his life is too much, so involved and I lived a simple life.
The doubts always eat at my confidence, but I promised Tae and myself we'd work it out. We'll be fine somehow.