Kim Taeyeon
The grip on the phone in my hand started to tighten, treating it like a stress ball.
"I have no more money."
"The recession is hitting us again, I'm struggling with the company. I just lost a bunch of shares, there's no new investments happening you have to understand."
"I'm getting no return on my investment, fuck this isn't even investment I get nothing back! There's no profit here!"
"I'm on the brink of fucking bankruptcy! What more do you want? The money I'm supplying is contributing a quarter of your entire triad! The money I'm giving you to support this shit is clean, innocent clean money! No lives were murdered, nothing illegal happened!" I hollered through the phone, hearing nothing but myself talk.
The voice on the other end of the line scoffed before it went dead. I cursed, slamming my fist on the table.
I had no idea who was blackmailing me, I had n idea who I was working underneath anymore in the triad. All I know is he is as powerful as Uncle Lee, if not even more. I've never met him, and he's never told me his name but he exists. People call him Noir since there's no other name to call him by. He's just a mysterious dead end, a black hole if anyone will. Rumors go around that says he's a pretty religious guy, carrying a bible around with him or some crap like that.
Whoever he was, wasn't making my life any easier.
I'm losing everything. I've been funding shit here and there for the triad, as a red pole leader I gotta contribute. The illegal dealings aren't enough if we wanted to expand and that is exactly what we were doing.
I opposed it but Uncle Sooman pushed for it to happen. Noir pushed for it too, selling me empty threats and promises of freedom that Uncle Sooman couldn't give me. I was so desperate so I funded the weapon deal then it escalated into more funding to the point where they expect me to pay for all of this shit.
I was too deep into this. I was funding crime for innocent lives to be ended.
I couldn't leave now, fuck no.
What helped me along this was the reminder of Jonghyun. I checked everyday if Jonghyun's family was doing okay. There hasn't been a sign of anything or anyone coming after them so I was doing my job.
I feel in debt to him, I need to protect his family too. It's the least I can do when it was my fault he passed away. My guilt will always be there.
My room was filled with the TV's loud speaking playing a story about today's drive by shooting at a restaurant, something about how my triad was at the scene.
I wasn't directly involved with it so it didn't really concern me.
"Taeyeon." I heard Fany's voice. I turned around, seeing how her eyes were glistening and somehow red. I wanted to grab her and hold her, feeling guilty as ever seeing her state.
She walked over to me, placing a pink business card on top of my agenda.
"Who is she? Where were you that night?" I heard her soft quivering voice but I didn't dare look. One glance and I'd probably be in a puddle of sadness.
I picked it up, immediately recognizing what it was. Fuck it looked so bad, dear god. Seolhyun, she was in the female escort business. Catering to high profiled clients, she didn't happen to have a piece of paper and needed to give me her phone number so she just gave me her card.
Didn't help that she wrote a message that Fany could easily misinterpret it.
I was done fighting with Fany, I didn't ant to yell at her anymore. I did that a few hours ago, and I felt so guilty when she told me she had enough. She said it so softly, she didn't raise her voice and it pained me.
"I'm not cheating on you." I said as quickly as I could. Whatever she was thinking, I didn't do it.
"Don't take this the wrong way I know this looks so fucking bad but I'm not cheating on you I swear. You can call this number, her name's Seolhyun. She was my, friend. . in high school." Fuck, friend? Let's just start off with friend for now. "She's in the whole escort business thing, so she has a card and gave it to me to just keep in touch. I swear, there's nothing going on." I pleaded, looking right into her as she looked at me with such tired eyes. Trust me, please trust me?
I just wanted to cradle her to sleep after everything I had done. I'll admit I was wrong to leave her in the empty room for an hour or two. It was then she told me after about her traumatizing experience and I wish I never did that.
But it was for her own good, I can't risk anyone seeing her. I don't want anyone knowing how she's related to me in anyway, because they'll use her s leverage to get me to do shit. It's always been like that, so I need to keep her safe and I need to keep her away from the public eye. It's for her, and only her.
"Please trust me, I'm not cheating on you." I touched her hand trying to reassure her but it stung to the core when she moved away from me.
"I want to trust you Taeyeon-ah, I really do." She said softly, eyes never ceasing to be wet.
"Then what's the matter?"
"There's other things other than this that you're not telling me and I want to know." She looked away and I hated how she always did that. Just look at me, damn it.
I sighed, feeling the stress pipe up again. I took a deep breath, articulating my words saying it as nicely as I can. I told myself to not be upset, whatever I said I can't be too angry with her. "You know what I do and why I do it. I can't tell you because it's not relevant to you, and it's best if you don't know. Please don't keep asking me that? I feel like you're breathing down my neck."
My cheek was met with a piercing slap to the face. The area started to throb and I snapped my head up, furious. I met her flaming eyes too, the way her chest started to heave and how she clenched her small soft hands.
"Did you not understand anything I said yesterday!" Her voice cracked. I felt like she wanted to hit me again. It's not that I didn't understand it, I just chose not to acknowledge it.
"I want to know what's keeping my significant other out at night with a chance of not coming home! I care abut you and your well being! You slamming desks, pulling your hair out and killing your clients over money is not normal Taeyeon! Why can't you just tell me what's happening with you? I care about you for the hundredth fucking time get it through your thick skull!" I've never heard her yell at me so loudly before. It frightened me a bit, and I stood there glancing down clenching my own fists.
"You were the one who left me in a sealed room with no light on for 2 hours, you did that to someone you said you loved." She said with a quiver, tears streaming down her face. I wanted to wipe those away but my ego, it's too big.
I had to leave, before I say and do something I might regret later. I walked past her, bumping our shoulders and I head the faint sounds of her sniffling. A big part of me anted to go back, hug her, say I was sorry for being such a stupid hard headed egg. The vicious and heartless side of me didn't want anything to do with her anymore, and it overtook me. I walked out.
"You never understood me Taeyeon-ah, Dad is right about you." I heard her say. I slammed the door as it kept ringing in my head over and over again.
Fuck her dad.
It was so bad, her not talking to me for a week after our fight was so bad. It was awkward, having someone in the room who probably hates your guts was the worst feeling in the world. She was never the one to hate, or really give me the cold shoulder. So to me, this was like drastic and I hated it. But I was too stubborn. Way too stubborn. Not a peep from her and it changed my entire week. I was itching for her to talk to me.
Our routines never changed. She still woke up, got my clothes ready, packed my briefcase, made me my cup of joe and my favourite toast. When I came home she'd pick up my jacket I always carelessly leave at the front of the door, warm up my dinner, before going to bed early. What was off putting was the fact that I still cuddled her to sleep, I often spooned her or had her in my arms and she didn't protest. She never moved away, yet welcomed it like we were still a normal couple.
Difference was, she wasn't talking to me. She didn't say a word and what was detrimental was that despite her getting my mornings ready, she never told me good morning. When I came home ,she never greeted me with a 'welcome home', when she needed to talk to me she referred to me as Taeyeon and Taeyeon only, not 'Taetae' or 'Taebear.' The worst was at night, when she didn't tell me goodnight, tell me she loved me or gave me a kiss before sleeping like we always had done for as long as we remembered.
That's what hurt.
She peeked in my room, opening the door and tapping on it once. I glanced up, smiling a bit. She looked so cute when she did that. "Taeyeon, we're having like a mini reunion at a cabin and my friends want to see you. Do you want to come?"
"Yes." I replied a bit too abrupt. She talked to me, Fany said a full sentence to me other than 1 or 2 word answers.
God it made my heart go lub, and then dub.
She helped me pack my suitcase and I stood beside her dumbfounded. I'm so clueless that it's ridiculously stupid.
Before she could pack her own things I kissed her cheek, taking her by surprise but she had such unreadable eyes that I didn't know what to make out of it.
Fucking awkward that was, sitting in a car driving to her friend Sunny's cabin. It was a small reunion, just close friends but I couldn't help but feel fidgety.
Last time I met her friend they threatened to knock me out. I know they already hate me from the start. I wouldn't have went, but since we fought and I was so desperate to have Fany talk to me I went.
I mean when we got there she sprinted out of the car and practically body slammed herself in her group of friends. I quietly rolled out luggage out of the car like an obedient butler.
"Taeyeon-ah!" I heard her loud voice and cringed. Please don't introduce me, I'm anti social and I hate people.
I walked towards her, seeing the sea of eyes practically throw knives at me. I wiped my clammy hands on my trousers, feeling her link arms with me.
"This is Taeyeon, my boyfriend."
". . ."
"Hi." I said, waving a bit.
"Taeyeon this is Sunny, Jessi, and you know Soo." Fany pointed out. Sunny was fucking small, she's lowkey a midget but at least she waved back.
On the other hand Jessi looked like she wanted to kill me, she looked like a really badass scary mafia wife leader and by the glares thrown at me I now think Sooyoung's nicer.
"He looks shorter in person." Sunny said and now I hate her.
Jessi clicked her tongue and she had one of those resting bitch faces and the look of judgment. "He looks exactly like how you described him to be Fany." Oh no, that could mean anything.
"An asshole?" Sooyoung muttered and they both laughed out loud. I caught that and it made me feel like poops.
Fany giggled. "Be nice, Taeyeon's a little sensitive." Fany then let go of my arm and I felt like a small bunny in a circle of hungry, hungry wolves.
"You were right, he does look the type of person you wanna punch 20 times every hour." Jessi was ruthless she held nothing back and on top of that she even looked at her nails while saying that to me.
"Shh, he's sensitive." Sooyoung reminded.
My face the entire time was just a really sad bear. Like a super sad bear, a sad bear with a frown.
:c Like that.
I stayed in the cabin room all day, hearing the girls just laugh and converse with each other. At one point I heard the words, kinky, dick, eggplant, dildo, rainbows, puppies, and pop tart in one sentence. I think, I don't know. They're whack.
I sighed, playing my game on my phone. I thought maybe this trip would release the awkward tension between me and Fany but I kind of just stayed cooped up in here.
I heard a scream and walked out the door, peeking through the stair railings to see Fany run up to some man.
"I love you!" She beamed with eyesmiles.
What the fuck.
A little more staring at them from the top of the stairs I learned the guy was Sooyoung's boyfriend. Some famous actor Fany really loves, her idol. Some crap like that, whatever. As soon as I heard, Sooyoung and the word 'boyfriend' I sighed a breath of relief.
If it wasn't bad enough, within the next 10 minutes I heard the front door being opened and a herd of grown adults feet pads towards it.
"Siwon's here!" Man, that name sounded so fucking familiar.
I walked downstairs, curious to see the guy. Never heard of him, I wonder who's boyfriend this guy belonged to.
I peeked from a shrub, seeing everyone hug him and all that crap but what irked me was how Fany seemed to hug him a little longer, eyes lingering too. I heard them whisper into each others ear and the banana in my hand started to feel mushy.
"Didn't know you were coming." Fany said, side hugging him while taking his luggage in as he took of his shoes.
He laughed. "Well you were coming, so I just had to see my favourite." Her, his favourite. He's on my hit list. I stomped to my room, slamming it shut. I hope everyone heard that.
I holed myself up in the room while everyone else was having the time of their life downstairs. It's not like I knew them, I hated people and they hated me. I was never really good at interacting with people anyways, and Fany was the complete opposite so she got along with people well.
If it was my choice, I'd sit at home, eat icecream, jellies, lounge in my underwear play a bunch of games. Fany wouldn't let me have that so she'd always drag me out of the house every once in a while.
Even so, she'd come into the room every once in awhile and I'd stare at her, dropping my console on the floor as she moved about the room. Every cell in my body itched to talk to her.
Then she'd leave and I was at square one in my coward state.
At least she called me down for dinner.
I sat in between Fany and Sunny. She was the least threatening out of all and plus, Kyung was all mushy gushy with Sooyoung and I can't be bro's with someone who is whipped as fuck.
I ate in silence, a bit uncomfortable and my hands got clammy. Fany would put food on my plate for me, it was almost like a routine for her? Like in a way, she took care of me without talking, she did t without thinking. I felt guilty, we still haven't talked yet she took care of me so well.
My chopstick skills were lacking , because my hand was shaking but nonetheless I picked up her favourite grilled eel and placed it in her bowl. I eyed her side profile and waited for her reaction, I was treading lightly, tip toeing around her because I was so scared of doing anything that'll make her upset with me.
She had a small silent smile and glanced over to me, that was so reassuring to me and I gulped the lump in the throat and looked away, shoving rice into my mouth.
"Wow, you a little nervous Taeyeon? Why are you eating so fast?" I looked up to see Siwon amused with me and I remember how Fany hugged him, how he greeted him and they were talking the entire night. I mean, I know it's a reunion but still. If anything I'd walk across this dining table and punch the fuck out of him.
Jessi laughed along, looking at me with amusement too. I felt humiliated. At least Sunny and Sooyoung just ate without saying anything.
"He's just hungry. He's like a little bear when he is." Fany said. Oh man, my heart started to beat. She called me little bear.
"Taetae's just a little shy." Fany continued when no one reacted to it.
Siwon laughed. "Antisocial?" He teased. It got the entire table erupting in laughter. I guess the alcohol can make people a bit more happier than usual.
I guess after a few moments they started talking about none sense. Of course I didn't fit in. they talked about how they were back in high school. Although the stories of a popular, kind hearted nerd Fany amused me. Heard she got a damn line boys lining up for her too.
"So, a couple of days I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. I ripped all his designer shoes and threw his game console out." Jessi started to explain the story and I started to sweat. The word cheating always got me feeling like shit.
I stayed so quiet, looking at my bowl of rice. I glanced over to see Fany and she did the same too, absentmindedly poking at her food too.
"Who here has been a victim of cheating, raise your mother fucking hands up." Jessi said, looking like some revolutionary leader. I looked at Fany, waiting to see if she did.
Not even a muscle moved, but I knew that look. She was thinking, she'd uncomfortable too. I saw how Sooyoung looked at the both of us, it was kind of disappointment. She knew I cheated on her.
It's not anyone's business and I don't want Fany to answer the question.
"It hurts, right? Being lied to by someone you care about?" Fany whispered. The table heard it, they all heard it. I nudged Fany's leg under the table pleading for her to stop.
Yet she had every right to tell people what I did, I deserved her heart jabbing remark.
"I couldn't stand being in the same room as a cheater, it would make me sick. I hate how I won't be able to trust that person anymore. It's a constant interrogation, 'where were you' or 'who was she?" She muttered again. It's been a long time since I've heard such gut churning words, and it made my eyes start to have pressure, wanting to tear up.
I placed my chopsticks on the table, muttered a goodnight and went upstairs.
I heard the quiet murmurs of the table, but I laid my eyes on my love sitting there with her head down. Sooyoung took my place.
I had a smoke outside the house, kicking rocks around. Sunny's cabin was pretty nice, I heard a lot of cicada's though and it pissed me off. The sounds were annoying, but it didn't annoy me enough to come back into the house where I was practically unwelcome there.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. I've hurt her so much. I didn't think she'd be the one to throw shade or hold a grudge like that. She has every right to, but I still didn't expect it to come from my happy virus.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I threw my cigarette on the ground, putting it out with my heel. I looked behind me, checking out of habit.
Keymaster: a major key to success is to have a drink with the country's #1 rifleman.
I chuckled, rolling my eyes. Totally forgot about the nickname I saved for the guy.
A call to the club, I missed him. Since Jonghyun was gone, a lot more of the gush ave been coming back reconciling our friendships. It's been smooth, but I can never forget Jonghyun. I still carry that gold plated knife around with his initials.
One, because it was flashy and it t was nice to show off.
Two, it was an honor to him. I had no other keepsakes from him, just memories.
I walked back into the cabin, ignoring everyone's call me for me to play some bogus board game. I went straight to the room, finding small piglet along our luggage.
I swallowed the guilt I had and shook out the still stinging words she had said indirectly about cheating.
"Fany? I need to go take care of something. It won't be long though. I'll be back tonight. 1 AM maybe?" I said, poking her on the back.
She hummed and continued to look in the mirror, bringing clothes up to her body.
Call me crazy and stupid paranoid but she was never that obsessed with what she was wearing unless she was going out with me.
Who the hell was she gonna impress in her group of friends, it's all a bunch of girls. Unless it's that Kang guy, or Siwon.
I opened my mouth to say something but when our eyes met in the mirror I quickly waved a bye and darted out the room.
No thanks, a Fany not really talking to me but is still nice to me felt hella weird.
I was excited as hell to leave that cabin. The only person nice to me was Kang guy and Sunny.
Sunny was real nice, teases me a lot but she plays games too, she eats a bunch of snacks and has likes cat that looks like a hairless rat.
A lil midget but she's cool.
I parked inside my reserved spot, getting out of the car and opening the back door.
I slipped in, seeing how tonight was pretty packed. I sat on the barstool, recognizing the man beside me about to throw my car keys at him as a joke.
"The fuck are you wearing." I muttered, ordering a drink.
He snapped his head towards me fiercely. "The fuck are you wearing?" He flipped my cap back, arguing how I wore too much black. Apparently black on black is a fashion no-no.
"What do you mean what the fuck am I wearing? It's called street wear and it's normal." I defended, looking at myself.
"I'm wearing the latest fashion, so kiss my ass Kim." Key said, brushing his shoulder and shoving my own.
I laughed, almost forgetting how this 90 boy band dressed looking fool was probably the best riflemen in the country.
"So how long you staying?"
"Longer than I should. Where the fucks my welcome home party?"
"Shit. Here, have an olive." I chucked that green shit to him as compensation and he smacked it out of the air, making it land somewhere in another person's drink.
"You gotta brief me with everything man, didn't expect you to come back to the triad."
"Wasn't planning on it."
"Got a new girl?"
"Yeah."
"She's pretty, I've seen pictures."
"She knows of you, she tried to call you once to get you to kill Juniel who grabbed my dick."
"Let me guess, you stopped her?"
"You haven't missed a shot in your life, plus I can't have my girl orchestrating a murder in her books."
"Pussy, should've let me done it. Anything for a future Mrs. Kim." He said, wiggling his brows.
"You're sitting in a pretty high bar stool right now. It would be a shame if something were to. . . happen to it."
"Bitch, shut your trap. Have you met Seolhyun yet? Heard from people she came back here."
"Yeah, back in the marketplace where we used to steal fish cakes from Mr. Park?"
"Dude, those are so good." He groaned, patting his stomach.
"I know man, I know. But have you met her yet?"
"Yeah, saw her tonight. She's matured well, hot as fuck now." I nodded my head, I gotta admit she was.
A bit of awkward silence but it wasn't nearly as bad as Fany's. I guess when your friends been gone for too long you don't know what to talk about. "You know Noir?" I cautiously asked.
"Big boss? Nah, no ones actually seen him. Heard he's a real religious man though." He laughed, playing with his fries making a smiley face with ketchup. Guess he never grew up either.
"He's watching me." I mumbled. Key's brows shot up, nodding off silently.
He places his plate of fries down, patting his hands clean. "I gotta go, nature calls for me to hunt the latest victim in my high sense of fashion."
I deadpanned, dude looked like he was wearing a fucking cape.
"Hey, you're staying right?" I said, looking forward as he got up from his seat.
"For your skinny ass? Yeah, I got your back for awhile." He said, winking as he walked out of the club, smacking a few people's asses as he did.
"Call me if you need fashion advice Kim! Keymaster is out!" He hollered, hands in the sky while he threw up a piece sign. His exits were always as grand as his entrance's.
I smiled, shaking my head.
I had a couple of swigs of bitter alcohol, staring into the rack of bottles on the shelves.
I felt a small touch on my back and I slowly turned around, seeing Seolhyun sit beside me.
"Hey."
"Hi."
"Is it your turn to entertain me now since Key strutted out of here with my grandmas curtain?"
"It's called fashion, get with the program Toopy."
I chuckled, shaking my head. "Didn't know you still went to clubs." I said, side eyeing her attire. Wasn't anything great. Just a simple dress that's all.
"I don't, just wanted to see you." I perked up, taken back from that.
"Did you see Key on your way in?" She shook her head. I ordered a drink for her, out of courtesy.
We carried a light conversation, carrying on more thoroughly about catching up with the past. I enjoyed her company, we weren't enemies, not awkward ex couple.
We've grown well, matured and no longer just blinded hefty teens.
"Can I ask you something?" She said, looking behind her. I did too, wondering what she was looking at.
"If it involves the way I dress than I don't wanna hear it." I chuckled, seeing her smile along.
"No, you dress fine. Didn't know you could look so good on streetwear, reminds me of high school days. I'm still not used to your business suits."
"Thanks for the compliment Binoo. Makes me feel good about myself since I'm pushing 30."
"Wait, so you're not 30?"
"Go away." I muttered, feeling self conscious about my aging self.
"You don't look a day over 30."
"Not helping you annoying cat. Didn't you have a question? Hit me, I'm ready. Not physically hit me but I'm all ears for your question, I think."
"After all these years you're still a fucking blabber." She giggled, turning her body to face me and I guess that it was a sign it was a serious question.
"Shoot, Binoo."
"Why'd you leave after you graduated?" She asked, eyes locking with mine.
I didn't answer her. I don't know what I left her behind but I guess it's a trend that always happens in my lifetime.
I was uncomfortable, and I made a decisive decision to not answer that question.
We just stared at each other a little longer and I knew exactly that look she had in her eyes. It made me feel guilt, she was upset. Same look as when we had a fight before I just walked out and never returned to her.
She placed the cocktail on the bar table. The sad look of a neglected kitten went away as fast as that. Then another side of her that I knew very well became the dominant one and it was the mysterious seductive Seolhyun side.
"Let's play the game my muscle bound mouse." She purred, her soft hand grazing my rough ones.
"What game?"
"You'll remember." She said, placing cash on the table before lifting up her cocktail again.
I placed a hand over it, eyeing her to put it down. She slowly placed it back down, tilting her head to the side a bit.
She looked so, pretty. She always had been, I enjoyed that about her.
She stood up, placing a kiss on my neck, trailing her lips up to to my ear and I shut my eyes briefly. "Parking lot, Toopy." She whispered, fingers rubbing my inner thigh before she walked away. The eyes of men darted to her backside, fucking drooling.
I threw some cash on the counter, putting on my jacket and walking towards the back exit, pushing the door open and stepping onto the wet concrete.
Her figure stood at the end of a building, she shouldered her purse and turned hr back again. Walking forward.
The game, the damn game. I had some stupid smile on my face or whatever. The game was fun, I remembered myself and Seolhyun playing it so much.
Toopy and Binoo, the name was gave ourselves 10 years ago. It was off some stupid cartoon. I was Toopy, a mouse and she was Binoo my sidekick kitten.
She would go around the back alleys of the places we were planning to stay during the summer nights we were together. It was always random, exciting but she'd walk herself far form me. I had to pace myself, I wasn't allowed to run. I'd listen to her humming, to her little laughs, her excitement and clues to find her. We felt a bit of danger being separated in a labyrinth of passages. Much like to a maze. The game stopped when she hit a dead end, when she could no longer go further and call my name to get me to come fetch her.
The thrill was there, I was the mouse and she was the cat who stole my cheese. When I found her it was like a treat, it's like I reclaimed my partner in crime back. I still remembered her calling my nickname every time we I found her cutely. She's always beg me to piggy back her back to the place we were staying, and I complied. I wasn't the one to always give her what she wanted, but every time we played the game I did.
Back in school, Seolhyun always followed me when I did stupid shit, be it robbing petty convenience stores, slashing the cars of tires or riding on the back of a motorcycle we stole off the side of the curb.
We spent our days together in detention, skipping classes to go to the beach with a beer in hand. I'd sneak into her room at night, climbing up her balcony railing and slipping beneath the covers for a quick fuck, maybe some kisses here and there. I was her first, be it her first drink, her first smoke and her first lover. I took her virginity. I wish it hadn't been that way, but she was persistent to stay with me.
She was my Toopy, my kitten who went through my entire senior year with me. The start of my crimes. She was there, she understood me, but I couldn't return any feelings to her.
To me, she was just there . She was convenient. It was nice having a companion beside me when all I ever did was beat the shit out of people with a lead pipe, steal cigars in the gas station and plug a few toilets just for the fun of it.
It wasn't love. I didn't have a care for her personally. So when she left, I shrugged it off. Had it hurt? Slightly. She walked out, and I never really saw her again. I don't even remember how I met her in the first place.
The sound of a police siren and a couple of car honks brought me back. No more dreams, I was in between a couple of walls, looking straight down. I'm playing the game.
I looked to the left, and then the right before walking forwards. My hands in my pocket dug deeper into them, pulling my cap forward.
I stared at that slim a good couple of feet in front of me, her back figure kept getting smaller so I increased my pace to follow. My instincts started to hype, I was more alert than usual. I touched the side of my waist, feeling the cold rigid barrel through the material of my trousers.
I gulped, beads of sweat starting to form as my feet quickened to catch up. She turned a corner, and muttered a curse under my breath. I could see my breath in the cold air before it started to disappear.
I heard a couple of giggles and in this alleyway between buildings and their backdoors of course it'll echo. No doubt. Everything was poorly lit, but it was inconsistent. Some had a blue hue to it, some of the walls had a green one lit from the bright signs surrounding the area.
The street lamps out on the roads even gave it light, but it was such a dingy yellow. The place smelt like piss, and that fresh concrete smell after it rained. Had a hint of dim sum too.
I checked behind me before turning the left, seeing he bright neon club sign in the distance, a few cars drew by and I felt goose bumps forming.
The sounds of high heels clicking against the pavement drew me closer and I walked along the wall, peering my head cautiously in nooks and crannies, making sure my own steps weren't as loud. I heard the buzzing of light above me, crunching of newspaper underneath me and maybe a gush of wind hit me.
The sound stopped. The eerie laugh, the feminine walk and her shoes ceased.
I cut a corner, stopping in my tracks when I saw that familiar back again. She looked so good, that dress molded to her curves and she took off the clip that held her hair up, letting it fall below her shoulders.
I cleared my throat, hands getting a bit sweaty.
She turned around, and had a seductive smirk on her face. I walked closer, getting a bit too drawn by it.
"Binoo." I muttered the nickname I gave her 10 years ago.
She picked up a piece of paper, sweeping her hair to the side before walking away from me.
She did t again, she walked down another alleyway and I had no idea why I was following her yet I didn't know why I wasn't chasing her down.
I was playing the game again and it excited me but that was 10 years ago.
I sprinted down the alleyway when the image of her figure got too small, knocking over a crate and a couple of boxes that got in my way but I she felt, mysterious.
The set of buildings that were back to back against each other created a fucking maze of alley's, each one having a distinct sound of the environment, from water dripping to the sound f scraping, maybe even a pipe bursting.
I followed her, calling her name quietly.
When she turned to the right this time, looking at me one more time with a smile. The piece of paper flew through her fingers, drifting and tumbling down on the pavement like a feather. I turned her corner, and eyed the paper, picking it up and crumpling it up in my palm. There wasn't anytime to read it, I needed to talk to her. I wanted to know what the hell she was doing at fucking 2 in the morning making me do a wild goose chase for her.
I glanced up and she was gone like that. But the high pitched blood curdling scream that resonated against the buildings had my heart racing.
Fuck.
I had no idea where it came form, it could be anywhere close, it could've been behind me, the left or right pathways or even straight ahead. It echoed too much, I couldn't pin point it.
I wouldn't know if it was her scream or not but I had this gut feeling and whatever it did it moved me. I ran, ran so fast like a life depended on it. And maybe it did, maybe it didn't. These walls became so familiar, that scream for help was too.
It started to become flush in my mind. This exact scenario, was how I met Fany in the first place. Or at least got to see her the second time, and got closer to her. I shook the unsettling images of her slouching against that red brick wall, passing out as I remember I threw the guy off her or something. I brought her up and then we went from there.
I smiled, remembering how Fany must be watching her reality show on TV, applying a face mask on and having a bowl of chips beside her while she chatted on the phone and maybe did her nails. It was a Friday night, she probably did just that.
Double the footsteps, they weren't mine, My smile dropped. I needed to find Seolhyun. I want a damn explanation and nothings going to stop me. I reached for my pistol tucked between the belt of my waist. Hand on it as I stopped in place. I held the handle, finger on the trigger. Not a single breath I had exhaled, and not another step I took. Another step clicked and I turned around, seeing no one.
"Stupid." The voice rumbled and I felt a pang on the back of my head, knocking me out straight on the floor and before I could lay there drifting into unconsciousness I felt the material being wrapped around my head. Hands were being bound and I couldn't even fight it off, the back of my head felt like it was swelling and it fucking hurt.
First thing I did when I gained consciousness was pat my pockets, checking my hands and legs all over. Nothing, in sight. I'm fine. Not a scratch besides the throbbing pain on the back of my head and a slight pinch in my wrist.
I thumbed my right wrist, feeling the square bony bump. Huh.
I was propped up against a wooden pillar with sand digging into my shoes. I groaned, throwing my head back and feeling it.
I shook off the feeling, sitting up straight while looking around me.
A piece of paper drifted off my lap and landed on the sand. I picked it up, turning it over to see nothing but the words 'Amore' - Noir.
I stuck it in my pants pocket, patting myself once more checking over my attire, pulling up my shirt to see if I had at least a bruise or something.
My heart was beating fast, hands sweaty and my forehead starting to perspire. Noir got to me. I don't think anything happened to me, but he was Noir. He could've done anything to me, he was there where I was playing the game with Seolhyun.
I had no idea where she was. I don't even know if she was okay.
My hands were free, so were my feet. I wasn't bound by any means but the first instinct I had was to place a hand on my gun. I patted my right waist, feeling nothing but the leather belt. Fuck.
I dug for the phone in my break pocket, taking it out seeing a couple of missed calls from a few clients. No one special. But then I saw the call from Seolhyun and a text. Maybe she was safe, but I needed to check.
The first person I dialed was Seolhyun.
First ring, second ring and then by the third I was getting anxious.
"I want to see you, again." I said as the answering machine went off.
I was shaken by Noir. He's watching me, he has to be. Right?
I rushed up to the docks, running along the boardwalk. I got onto the streets, waving down a taxi anxious and impatient. I threw whatever cash I had to the taxi driver telling him to go as fast as he can to Hyung's place.
I barged in his door, seeing him his mother on the couch eating some fruits and watching dome K-dramas.
"Hyung." I panted, chest heaving.
He stood up placing his fork down as he walked past me. Heechul never looked so pissed in his life.
I followed him quickly, as he lit up a cigarette. I handed him the piece of paper given to me by Noir.
"I-I was with Seolhyun. We played the game again and then I couldn't find her. Next thing I knew I was out cold by the docks downtown."
"Noir gave you this?" He said, flicking the piece of paper in between his fingers.
"Y-Yeah. Where's Seolhyun?"
"I dropped her half an hour ago at work. She didn't mention anything about you, but she did seem shaken up." He had his cigar sticking out of his mouth. Any moment and it'd fall off and burn his foot.
"You think Noir got to her?" I asked quietly. I didn't want anyone else to be fucked over by this, by me.
"Nah, you played the fucking game with her at 2 in the morning dumbass. You couldn't find her, imagine how long she stood there while you were out cold. She's probably scared or spooked." He threw his cigarette out, taking a picture of the paper before giving it back to me.
"Did she say anything about me?"
Heechul stuck his hands in his pocket, walking closer to lean on the railing of his balcony. "No, she was pretty quiet. She ran to em and hugged me though when I came to pick her up."
I ran my hands through my hair, pulling on it slightly. I had no idea what to do, and the only thing I knew best was to wreck havoc. "I need leverage on Noir, I can't keep this up. H-He's watching, he's getting closer to me and I feel like he's going to kill me off. I'm losing so much money because of him I'm on the brink of bankruptcy." I rambled on and on to the point where my throat was dry.
"Taeyeon."
"I need your help, you know the guy from the docks? He's seen Noir head onto the boat. Apparently he has a boat house off the shore of Aberdeen Island."
"Taeyeon."
"Let me call Key and maybe Minho. They probably have more information about them then us."
"Taeyeon, we shouldn't."
"What the fuck do you mean we shouldn't? Are you gonna let us be sitting ducks while he goes fucking knocking me out and leaving stupid ass notes? While he goes draining my bank account till it's as dry as my balls? It's going to be a matter of time before he kills one of us or even worse he starts pulling on Fany again-"
The full force of his fist blundered my face.
I cupped my nose, backing up from pissed off Heechul.
"Listen! Do you ever fucking listen!" He shook me, grabbing the collars of my shirt.
"Dude." I hissed, feeling the liquid coat my palm. God.
He threw my burner phone on the ground and broke it to pieces in between his heel. "Just because you took over Jonghyun's spot and resumed leadership doesn't mean I'm still your guinea pig."
"W-What? Guinea pig? Hyung, we're doing this for Jonghyun! Who knows what'll happen to them!"
"You live in paranoia. Jonghyun's dead, they won't come after his family. They always have protection and you know hat."
"Have you forgotten what happened when he died? He sister almost got fucking raped! Do you not remember that?! Consider this as extra protection and a debt I owe to Jonghyun."
"No, it's not a debt this is stupid. Once Jonghyun passed you could've left and look where we are now!"
"And leave his family vulnerable? It's not that easy to leave!"
"You did it before! You left! Tell that to Jonghyun! You were the one who left him behind in the first place and ditched the country!"
"Why are toy so fucking defensive, were in this together are we not Hyung?!"
"This isn't even abut Jonghyun anymore you dipshit! Look at you! You're all over Noir, it's literally all you talk about these days! I don't want to fucking be apart of this anymore, I'm tired Taeyeon!" He yelled and I looked away. He's never raised his voice at me before, never this loudly. "I only did helped you for Stephanie. She didn't deserve to be apart of any of this." He trails off.
I shoved him back, getting a bit more defensive when it came to Fany. "What the fuck? Who the fuck is Fany to you? Why do you suddenly care about her? You guys fucking?" I gritted my teeth. They were always too close, talking like they were together. Fucking dick.
"Say it again, say it one more time. Disrespect me again. I'm trying so hard to keep Stephanie in your life, and she's trying so hard to hang on but all you do is fuck up. I've cared about her since she made you a better person." He shoved me by the shoulder and I shoved him back, I couldn't steady myself and ended up getting pushed to the corner of a desk.
"The fuck were you thinking leaving her in a dark room like that huh? that wasn't helping, you weren't keeping her safe! Are you fucking stupid? You got mad at her for telling you to stop killing your body with drugs? You called her annoying and childish for caring? I would've dumped your ass the moment you said such words to her." He continues coming closer to me, shoving me with an intense force repeatedly.
"She's a teacher for fuck sales Taeyeon, she lives a normal life but everything is fucked and I'm not sorry for beating your ass up when she got jumped when Sooyoung came to get a piece of your ass too. I I wish she never took you back. She's the best thing that has happened in your life and you don't even see it." I looked away, his words hitting me left and right.
"No, I see it." It was like he was right and I started to let that sink in.
"Then stop treating her like shit!" He yelled, slapping my face with a forceful hand.
I snapped my head back, hand on my blade getting frustrated and pissed off by the second.
He saw my arm, he saw how I gripped something behind my back and h e twisted it, making me face the railing, pressing my face against it. My arm behind my back in an abnormal position it started to hurt. "Who the fuck did you call first when you woke up?" He hissed.
"Seolhyun." I said through my teeth, trying to loosen his grip.
"Of course. Of all people you fucking call first it had to be your ex. Did you forget you had a girlfriend?! You're planning to marry her Taeyeon! Stephanie's waiting for you!"
No, no she's not. She fucking hates me.
He lets go of me and stands a good distance behind me. He sighed heavily, kicking over a beer can on the floor.
"Look Taeyeon, mother's ill! She has been for a month and a half now! I've spent my days helping you instead of her and without me you'd be dead! I couldn't ignore you because you're a brother to me!"
I didn't say a peep and he scoffed. "Do you remember, it was on the news a couple of days ago?! That fucking restaurant shooting was because of you, my mother was in there and she got pushed over, her head hitting a damn table!"
That restaurant shooting had nothing to do with me, or did it? I don't know anymore. I'm so lost.
Mrs. Kim? His mother is sick? She got hurt because of me? I walked in a few minutes ago, she seemed fine, but then I realized when I came over for dinner, she could barely open a jar of sauce. She had to get Heechul to bring over the pot of soup. She always paused every time she walked, she gripped her back too. "Why didn't you tell me?" I let out the small voice.
"Tell you? Tell you?! I've been trying to for so long! All you see is yourself, and Stephanie but in the wrong way. She's looking out for you, we all are Taeyeon. But you turn a blind eye on us, don't you ever notice your surroundings?"
"All you think about is this, and only this. Get your head wrapped around something normal, go get married have kids. Not fuck around with Stephanie, expecting her to take your stupid ass back in every time you fuck up."
"You only have one family Taeyeon, and right now your family is us and Stephanie. It's no longer Jonghyun, it's no longer anything that has to do with the triad."
"Don't mess with Noir. Figure out the triad shit on your own. I'm no longer your right hand man. Find someone else. I'm done. I got priorities and right now it's mom. Not you."
It hit like a truck, Hyung's word hit me like a damn truck. It left a burning wound inside me.
He walked back in while I saw his figure go to the front door, opening it wide open. Signaling my cue to leave.
I walked into the living room, seeing Mrs. Kim shaking her head. She couldn't even look at me.
I opened my mouth to say something, a 'sorry', a 'get well soon', or 'I'll visit soon.' But I couldn't. She was ill, and I don't know how bad her sickness was and I didn't want to witness another mother figure leave my life again.
I turned around without another word, walking past Heechul and onto the streets again, hailing another taxi.
Like Eunhyuk said, 'everyone that enters your life eventually leaves.' He was right, and even from his grave 6ft under he was damn right.
I wondered if Fany was up, if she was not asleep. Was she waiting for me like Heechul said. I thought so hard, I thought abut how wrong I've done everyone especially Stephanie. I bit my knuckle out of habit, feeling the weight on my shoulder intensify.
I unlocked the door, seeing the living room light being turned on.
It was 3 in the morning and I didn't know who else would be up besides Jessi.
I walked inside, opening the fridge and grabbing a can of soda. I heard the low murmurs of a conversation out in the balcony, but when I heard the quiet giggle I knew exactly who it was.
I turned around, seeing Fany and Siwon talking to each other out in the balcony.
Seems like they were enjoying themselves since they had a drink in their hands.
Every now and then Siwon would crack a joke and Fany would laugh, covering her mouth like she always did and smacking him on the shoulder playfully.
"Thanks for keeping me company."
"Well, I couldn't sleep and you couldn't either do it's a win win."
"I haven't been sleeping well in like two weeks or something."
"Don't worry, I'm practically nocturnal. I'll keep you laughing all night with my swag."
"Don't say that, you're so old. You don't get to say that."
"My swagg-" She covered his mouth with his palm, laughing alongside him.
"Too bad we ended up this way, we could've been the longest lasting couple out of our senior class you know?" They dated?! Fuck that, he's totally on my hit list.
"Things happen."
"By things you mean finding someone else?"
"You know what happened, okay? I'm just glad you were understanding and listened to me." She mumbled. Right, I wasn't any of those.
"I'm glad to say that was my greatest trait." He said so smugly. Fany pushed him by his shoulder playfully, shaking his head.
I place the can of soda on the kitchen counter, walking up the stairs and letting them be. I shut the door quietly. I hoped she would come up soon.
Don't think she even care anymore, and suddenly me being my hypocritical self I missed hr nagging. I missed how she cared to the point where it got on my nerves.
I laid there, sprawled out on the bed waiting for her.
I finally heard the door click about 20 minutes later, she walked in quietly.
I watched as she unzipped her dress, letting it pool down to her feet. She stepped out of it and her smooth milky back was upfront for me to see. I trailed my eyes down her back, the lacy panties and down her honey thighs.
The way she swept her hair to the side, or how her neck looked so kissable it felt like I almost forgot how beautiful she is.
"Fany, I need to talk to you." I said, sitting up from the bed.
She stopped, quickly putting on her nightgown. "Let's sleep it off Taeyeon. I'm tired." She said, back still faced towards me.
"I-It's bothering me, I need to tell you."
She shook her head and turned towards me, walking in a way that I thought was seductive.
She laid on her side of the bed and tucked herself in, leaving me at the foot of the bed alone. She turned off the light and didn't say a word. She had the sheets up to her shoulder and that was a sign that I wasn't allowed to touch her that tonight, let alone cuddle.
I was restless that night. Another pair of guilt eating away at me.
What drew the line between me and her not talking was the following morning I saw her and Siwon sipping on coffee together out on the porch, waiting for the others to cook breakfast.
So she can have a conversation with him but can't talk about our relationship where it's literally sitting on the rocks?
I tapped her back, startling her while Siwon just kept quite, sipping on his coffee. Good.
"Fany. Let's talk."
"What?" She snapped, placing her cup on the table beside her.
I gritted my teeth, hating her fucking attitude. I glanced at the front door and she sighed.
She got up and went out the door, I looked behind me to see if anyone overheard. It was just Siwon who heard us, but it didn't matter. Fuck him, pretty boy looking ass. He looked like some pretentious rich boy, living off his daddy's cash.
I walked outside, seeing her briskly walk away from the house, probably going to the creek and avoid the talk.
"Fany-ah!"
"What!"
"Let's fucking talk! Stop running away for fuck sakes! I hate this!"
"What do you particularly hate about this Taeyeon-ah? Are you tired, do you want out? I can name all the things I hate about this, particularly you." She stopped in the tracks and turned around, her eyes were as mad as mine.
I was baffled. I scoffed, this isn't the time to talk about me wanting out.
I had to blurt something out, so I did. "I hate seeing you with him!" But it was a bad choice of words. I didn't want to talk about this.
"Why he's just a friend! Why are you so jealous all of a sudden?!"
"A friend? He's your fucking ex! Don't think I don't know Fany-ah!"
She shoved my chest and made me thump against the car. "I'm not the type to cheat on someone if that's what you're implying. I'm not like you."
That hurt, that hurt so bad and I felt so guilty. I don't ever want to hear her mention that again, anything with my name and cheating just hurts.
I didn't know what to say. I cheated on her and that will always be a part of me that I can never forgive myself for.
"Taeyeon, that was. ." She looked guilty too but she has no reason to.
"You're right. It's a constant reminder right? Back at that fucking dinner table you just had to take a jab at me." I growled. I instantly regret it because she didn't seem comfortable anymore, not that she was.
"I realize what I did wrong and you have all the reason to put me on blast for cheating but I keep living in that guilt. It's as if you want me to stay in guilt forever, yes?"
She didn't say anything but look away and I knew the answer was indeed yes.
"Get in the car, I wanna talk somewhere private from here." I grabbed her hand and pulled her along but she resisted, pulling the other way her feet dragging along the gravel.
"No, I-I don't."
"I've asked to talk to you so many fucking times and I've had it with you putting me off! Just let me explain my side of the story!"
"W-We can but I don't want to get in the car with you!"
"Why not!"
"Because I don't trust you, who was it that left me in that sewage room for 2 hours alone!"
I shoved her firmly, but not enough to hurt her towards the car, ignoring her pleads.
"Taeyeon!"
"Get, in, the, fucking, car." I growled, hands gripping her wrist. She has another hand trying to pry me off but never did she try to to break out gazes.
"It hurts Taeyeon!" She wailed, her tears finally falling. I let go and she staggered back, tripping over a log and grabbing onto my shirt as she fell down, scraping her other palm that was used to break her fall.
Siwon came running out and before I could register her getting hurt he had already beat me to her.
I saw as he took her small hands into his, inspecting the scraping and cut. She winced as he kept checking up on it.
I stood there, frozen on my feet.
That was supposed to be me, I was supposed to be the one tending to her injuries.
At that point I felt so lost.
Maybe her dad was right. I'm not the one for her.
I pushed her away when she cared, I didn't listen to what she had to say.
As for understanding her? I don't understand her. I don't get her, and that sucks.
These past few days I recall listening onto her conversations when they were describing her ideal type.
I didn't really fit into her 'standards.'
She talked a lot to Siwon and I get why the dated. He is everything I am not.
It killed me knowing that I wasn't the best? I wasn't enough.
So I walked quietly into my car, turning off the engine and shutting the door.
It was quiet, and I got to just reflect and think about what I had just done.
I hurt the one I love and I don't know how to fix myself.
I ran my hands through my hair, wanting to just cry but father always told me that boys don't cry.
It wasn't manly, it made me less of a man and more of a boy. I wasn't supposed to cry because it'll make me seem weak is what he told me.
Then I think back. A man is weak when he walks out on his family, he is weak when he hurts the one he loves physically and emotionally.
Not when he cries.
I'm losing everything right now. I lost her, Jonghyun, Heechul, my business, what else? I wonder what else would be taken away from me tomorrow.
It's so frustrating to the point where I had slammed my hand on the steering wheel. I wanted to slam my head on it.
Maybe I should've left, or had that fruit knife just cut a little bit more to the left I would've bled out.
Maybe if I didn't mess with the triad to begin with and maybe our story would've been different.
I wish I wasn't like this.
My hand hovered about the engine start button. Maybe I should just, go? Yeah.
What I didn't expect was her to sit own in the passenger seat. I didn't even look when she opened the car door. She returned, but she shouldn't have. She could've left me or ran. Or, she's here to tell me that she wants to break up.
She sat down with a huff, her hand bandaged slightly. God, we're a mess.
I was a nervous wreck, this could be it. I fucked up so bad, she's going to leave me and then my life is going to suffer and then I'm going to die a miserable stupid pathetic person.
But I mustered up the strength and gathered my man balls to ask her something I needed to know.
I wiped the sweat off my head and gulped. "Is it too hard Fany?" I whisper.
"What's too hard?"
"Us?"
She shook her head.
"I'm too much, am I?"
She didn't answer. And it kind of hurt.
"Fany? Please answer that question."
"You're too much, but not enough for me to stop us." She said, pulling on the white wrap on her hand. Playing with it absentmindedly.
"You're too good to me." I truthfully said. I looked over and saw her shake her head slightly. Please don't deny it?
When she had glistening eyes my heart felt constricted. I didn't mean to hurt her like this yet I always do and I don't know how to fix it.
"I'm so sorry for being the dumbest person alive. I'm sorry for being stubborn, for not listening for pushing you away and for not even understanding your thoughts or feelings."
"I know I'm too much, I wasn't right to lock you in the room because I thought in my eyes I was helping you. But no, it wasn't."
"I'm stubborn, I'm insensitive and I'm selfish to the point where I deprive you of happiness. I'm sorry, I don't deserve you, but I need you. I can't do without anyone else."
I want us, and I don't want to mess up again. I've had too many chances.
"Fany? I will change, I will become someone you will be proud of introducing me to your friends. I promise you this, because I know if I don't then change sooner or later I'll lose you. I already had you slipping away."
"Heechul says you've changed me? Made me someone better. I know for sure that you take care of me really well, you care so much about me but yet I-I." I couldn't finish my sentence it was so bad. I wanted to explain myself but I couldn't.
"I know I have to rebuild trust again. I get that, but is there something you want me to stop doing as of right now?" I asked, I'll explain what I have to say through actions then. I never was good with words.
There was a moment of silence, and she kept touching her promise ring. Whatever she was thinking, I was hoping she wouldn't take it off. "Stop the triad activities. That's all I want. It's consuming you and that's the only thing that's changing you to someone I don't know." She said.
That's it. That's all she wants? I nodded, placing a hand on hers rubbing the soft skin with my thumb. "I'll stop then." I want out too, and if there needs to be change then I'll comply.
"Really, Taetae?" My heart beat rapidly, that nickname she finally said it.
She finally called me that and I smiled small.
"Everything involving the triad will stop. I'll find a way to end it and take care of it without leaving your side."
"No more late night outings?" She said, eyes lit up.
"No more." I promised.
"Will you tell me everything that's on your mind then? Whether it be you hunting men around me out of jealously or something's that's bothering you? No more secrets Taetae?"
"I will, I'll do it I'll start today." I said firmly. I loved the look of her face when she was happy, because right now she was. It was contagious, so I smiled with her. The weight on my back? Gone in an instant.
She straddled my lap and her face was so close to mine. She had a soft smile, she was Soft Hwang. I felt her soft pair of lips touch mine, her palm rubbing my cheek.
We kissed so passionately, so eager and hungry for each other. I missed it.
I pulled away breathlessly, cupping her cheek. She had that look, her shy blush look that was always so cute to me. I couldn't help but smile against her skin, giving her a kiss there.
"I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
She hummed, stroking the back of my head. "I never stopped loving you if that is what you're afraid of. No matter how upset I am, I can't stop loving my little bear." I nuzzled my face into her neck as a response.
"I missed you, I missed you so much Fany. I'm so sorry."
"Mm. I've already forgiven you."
"You did?" I leaned back, skeptical. That was too fast? Then again she took me back too fast. Her week of cold shoulder already made me run around like a headless chicken I had no idea what I was doing in my daily routines when she was ignoring my stupid ass.
"You just don't know, but I did."
I almost had a victory dance in my spot, but I knew I still had to be careful around her.
We kissed some more, my hands caressing her skin. Over the curve of her waist, down to her honey thighs.
"Did you, look for other options?" I said, slightly pulling away.
"What do you mean?" She said, in between our kisses. It grew more frantic and it was harder to talk when she had her lips on mine.
"Were you looking for a replacement? Did you think about leaving me then?"
She pulled away with a clear frown on her face.
"I can't stop thinking about it when yo were all over Kyung, especially Siwon. I know you guys dated, I heard you guys."
Her brows furrowed, her hand letting go of my arm. That frown never seemed to cease.
I chuckled, rubbing her forehead getting rid of those ever growing creases.
"I'm just a little jealous, and maybe scared. I fucked up, okay? I realize that. You could've left any time during the period we weren't talking. Who knows, maybe you could've been with someone else by now."
"I'm not going to throw what we went through over something like this. I almost lost you. It's not going to happen and I won't let it happen without a fight Taeyeon."
Damn. Serious Hwang.
"I want you. I like you Taetae, you're enough for me. Please don't be insecure, my ex's have nothing on you." Really? It seems like they have so much more than me.
I sighed, putting my hands up in defeat. "I'm sorry, I won't bring up emo topics again." She punched my shoulder and I kissed her lips cheekily.
I reached over to the glove compartment, grabbing a bunch of folded coins and placing them on her lap.
She ran her hands over them gently.
"I told you when things got too bad you can open them and read it. The ones I gave you now are for the two weeks I had penned but didn't give to you. I think you should read it now. You're upset, sad and it's getting awful. So read it, and maybe it'll remind you of why we're together in the first place."
Please hold on, don't quit?
She looked up, placing the coins on the seat beside her. Her arms started to loop around my neck, forehead pressed against mine.
"Day 76. Taeyeon, I still want it, us." She said softly. Her beautiful lips curving up to a smile.
"Then at 90 days?"
"We'll talk about it then. But for now I want you to hold me." She cuddled close to me and I wrapped my arm around her waist.
She tucked herself under my chin and I felt her warmth wrap around me.
I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen. We hit that mark and then what?
Do I get to propose to her like I originally thought of or is she going to dump my ass because she can't see a future living like this.
I don't blame her if she left. Not at all, but I don't think I can take another leave from her.
So I tightened my hold on her, pressing her close that night. I fear losing her.
I told her about Noir, about Heechul getting pissed at me. I told her about my business going down hill.
In all of that she stayed quiet. She wasn't impressed, disappointed really and it sucked. Having someone who is close to you and whom you love be disappointed in you was the worst feeling in the world.
I even told her about Seolhyun. It's safe to say she doesn't necessarily view her as a threat, but I knew she was worried and a bit paranoid about it. I told her she didn't have anything to worry about.
While she was sitting on my lap listening to everything I hid within myself, at the end of it she caressed my cheek. Giving me pecks here and there as a reward.
She wasn't happy with what I had done in the past month or so, but she was grateful.
Because I told her about it, I didn't keep it holed up in my mind. It was a start to me changing, and she couldn't be happier with me right now.
"No matter what happens, we go forward okay? No more gangs, violence or blackmails. Just us, okay?" She pulled my knife out of my back pocket, placing it on the passenger seat.
I want to keep this up, I want her to know that I mean business. This isn't just some 1 day stunt to get her to stay for a bit longer. I was this to be a lifelong goal of mine because I want her to stay forever.
I will change, I will act better.