Stephanie Hwang

I traced the fading scar on his pec, tracing a lone finger along the curve of the stitches. I glanced up to see that deep frown on his face, dark circles and eyebags so dark that he looked like a panda bear.

I felt my lips tug up, my tired eyes scanning over him. I moved up to kiss his chin lazily, caressing that spot with a gentle touch. "Handsome . ."

I pressed my cheek on his warm chest, feeling the cold breeze from the hole in the roof and shattered windows blow by the two of us.

This place was quiet, calm and so far from civilization I thought it was almost a good thing. It was like I've escaped all the bad, but I know the bad is coming for me. We're not safe here, we're merely running away from the problem. Yet, I yearn for this quietness and moment of peace with just us two.

The two of us, just us. I rolled onto his chest and stared at him. He looked so tired, and his battered face didn't help the look either.

I was so sure I was going to die and bleed out. I wanted to tell him but he sounded so happy telling me about the things we would do when we left the country.

I tried so hard to stay awake, I didn't want to scare him. He worked hard, carrying me on my back for miles just running to a town to get me a doctor.

But here we are now, seemingly okay.

The pain on my lower abdomen started to hurt and I got up from the sticky chest underneath me and pulled the sheets back, getting up slowly while draping the thin sheet back over Tae.

I did a small stretch but was reminded of the stupid same pain that pinched at my lower abdomen. I tied my hair in a loose bun and grabbed the last set of clean clothes, which happened to only be a simple pink dress.

Of all the things Taeyeon could've packed, he just had to pick at least one dress.

I crept around sleeping bear quietly and poked a few times at the dimming fire, setting some sticks in it to keep it going.

I opened the front door and before I shut it I looked in between the crack to see if he was okay and still sleeping.

A big snort coming from him and some mumbling math equations in his sleep was an 'okay' to me.

I walked down the slight hill and looked at the flowing creek, inching forward till my feet met the shallow water.

I was hesitant to go further but there was nothing stopping me from doing so, I crept quietly into the water stream, feeling the cool liquid around me. Messily laid out on the rock were our clothes that were dry by now. I smiled, remembering how shy he was just a couple of hours ago.

The reflection of the moon was clear in the distorted image of the water but in the corner a sharp blue colour caught my eye.

I stepped closer, squinting at it till the colours shifted and all I saw was a cream like skin colour.

I touched it, but my hand just went through it and grabbed nothing but pebbles.

I turned my body around and felt the barrel of a gun pressed in between my eyes.

My body tensed and I held my breath, I moved my head sideways just a bit to see who it was but the sight of them felt too fake.

That look, I knew he wasn't here to save us.

"Don't scream." He growled, gone that peppy voice I was so used to hearing him say. I glanced over to the other guy who merely looked away, looking uncomfortable.

Who would've known. If Taeyeon was in my position right now, I couldn't imagine what he would be feeling. I don't think he'd even be able to fight back or even say anything. Just utter shock.

"I'm only doing this for my best friends, and nothing more. It's not personal Tiffany, you weren't on my hit list." He continued.

"Why. . What are you doing?" I kept staring at the jet black metal being pressed up at me and I swallow the forming lump in my throat, stepping back but he kept coming forward.

"I'll tell you, everything. Don't run away from me." He voiced out and I saw his face tilted from the gun.

"The San Francisco Golden Koi shooting, that was our triad versus the 18K. Taeyeon asked us to follow him when eh went up an unfinished skyscraper, and I was downstairs, wondering what the fuck went wrong and when it got too quiet, our crew went upstairs. In his arms was Jonghyun, lifelessly laying there like a fucking rock while Eunhyuk was on the other side rolled over drooling out blood."

"My three best friends, all fucked up and holed up in one room and two of them died but one lived. I asked what happened and you know what Taeyeon said?" He looked at me directly and sat down, gun still pointing at me. "He said 'I don't know.' He fucking said that!"

"The one that lived didn't even know what fucking happened. He killed Eunhyuk." Then Heechul started to smile with a teary eye. "He killed Jonghyun. He didn't even know how."

I shook my head. No one gets it, Taeyeon didn't kill him. "He didn't kill Jonghyun, Eunhyuk killed him." I muttered, eyes still on his gun.

"Don't. Don't lie to me. Everyone wants to know what happened, all of us do. You think years of close friendship would result in this? No, no. It's tearing us apart. Answers give people closures Tiffany."

"Jonghyun was already dying, he was bleeding. It was inevitable. That's your answer, there's nothing more to that."

He shuffled closer to me but dropped the gun. I exhaled the held breath I had in me but palmed a rock in my hand. "I really tried to believe that. Jonghyun got caught in the crossfire and died waiting on the side. I want to accept that but no. There were just so many factors that could've stopped that." He mumbled sadly.

I wanted to say something more but he shook his head, cocking a brow.

"The worst part out of all of this, was not that my best friends are suddenly gone. My own mother, who loved preparing kimchi on a winter day died for simply being the mother of a son who was helping out his stupid best friend."

"She did nothing wrong, she was innocent Tiffany. Just because Taeyeon dragged me into this, because my own name is affiliated with his my own mother died. Do you understand that I can never get any of those important people back now?"

"I want to accept that maybe it was inevitable. Just like Jonghyun case but the more I think about it, all of it gets traced back to Taeyeon. . . I cant accept it. There are so many outcomes that could've happened if he had just done differently . . If he could've just walked away from Eunhyuk that day none of this shit would've been like this. I want to kill him, 1 for 1. 3 for 1."

He sighed after speaking a god damn essay.

I sat up and scooted further away from him, still looking at him. "You just want to hear Taeyeon say he killed your best friends so you have a reason to kill him. You know he killed Eunhyuk out of self defense, and that he didn't kill Jonghyun. You've grown up with him and you know he wouldn't do it intentionally. They're gone now, is vengeance still on your bucket list?"

He eyes went darker and he stared at me longer.He had those crazy eyes in him and gone was that Hyung Taeyeon talked so highly of.

"You may hate him and you'll think about many different ways of killing him but don't you get it? That's another human life you're gambling with. He's my best friend, he's my lover. I'm going to marry him Heechul, he's your dongsaeng. He's a living person." I said softly, being a bit cautious.

He slapped me across the face and paced around in circles, tugging his hair. I was more scared about him acting like this, the slap didn't even make me flinch. "Shut up! Don't pull that sentimental crap on me!"

"Taeyeon almost killed himself over Jonghyun . . that's enough Heechul . ." I whispered, clutching the hem of my dress pulling it down. I shook those bad memories out of my head. I refuse to relive those again.

"It's not enough, he should've went through with it and died. He should've just cut himself deeper. I should've ended him right there in the ambulance when I could've." He spat before cursing loudly.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, remembering that night where Taeyeon was so vulnerable. Heechul had the power to end Taeyeon's life and I wouldn't have been able to see him.

"There's a GPS plate in his arm, that's how I found you guys in the middle of nowhere." He then snapped his head to me. "Do you know, who I am?" He asked all of a sudden, breaking away from his story.

I shook my head. It was the truth, I only know his name and that he was supposedly Taeyeon's best friend. They all grew up the same right?

"4 letters." He said.

"Twat." I spat out.

"Tiffany . . I was nice to you, come on."

"You have a gun to my head what the fuck am I supposed to say?" I hissed.

"I'll give you a hint pretty lady, it's french."

"Okay. Pardon my french then. Are you a dick?

"You really don't know?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, and it's not like I want to know."

"He came to my house and started going nuts about Noir, almost driving himself crazy to find out who he was. Little did he know, it was me."

I froze for a second, flipping my mind through a list of names. It was him he was that piece of shit. "You. . "

"Me." He pointed to himself, grinning.

I don't know what happened to me but I ended up shoving him, absolutely pissed off. "You drove him mad Heechul! He couldn't sleep, he had no money he was stressed every single day, he didn't want to kill anyone or hurt anyone!"

"The name rings a bell right, because that's all he talked about for the last couple of months."

"You were behind so many stupid fight of ours, you caused him so much grief. You did everything to make him run around town crazy, he couldn't sleep at night did you know that? He knows he's not supposed to be doing this, he can't kill people because it's wrong, he knows it's wrong. Heechul!"

He shrugged. "That was the plan Tiffany . . look at him. He's an internal mess."

"No, no he's not. You caused that. Are you crazy? What is wrong with you! He's practically your family-" He waved me off and nestled himself on the dirt, our knees touching like we were best friends having a sleep over telling each other the latest celebrity gossip.

"I followed you two for months, everything that happened to him ever since Jonghyun passed. Anything that seemed to be sabotaged was probably set up by me. If there was anything that I could alter and tip the scale, I did it."

"I was hoping that with all this shit happening to you guys one moment it'll just snap and you two would be broken apart. And it did work, to a certain extent." He sighed and pulled out lumps of grass from the ground. How can he do that, acting seemingly normal but in a split second hold a gun towards my head and threaten me.

"So you enjoy straining our relationship?" I questioned, eyeing that stupid gun because he looks like he hasn't taken his meds or something. I could say something wrong and I'd die. But I wasn't scared, strangely.

"I just wondered how he'd act if he lost you. I wanted him to feel him slowly losing someone so dear to him. I wanted him to feel how I felt towards my mother, watching her peel fruits in the living room watching her favourite k-drama but knowing her health was slowly deteriorating."

"Every time Mom had a little hiccup in her health the more punishments I made Taeyeon go through. It got harsher and harsher each time."

Everything that has happened leading up to when me and Taeyeon had gotten back together, it was him. The more I think back the more I hated every fiber of him. It was such a mess, everything was a mess and it all boiled down to Heechul being petty psychotic, and clouded with hate and revenge.

He clicked his tongue and snapped his fingers in front of me, wanting me to pay attention to his dumb story. "I brought in Seolhyun, finding her through Facebook. At the mention of his name she came asap. But I just used her, made her throw herself on Taeyeon and it was easy because she was still in fucking love with him. It was perfect timing too, you guys fought a lot and he was frustrated. I knew he thought about other options . ."

I clenched my fists, I knew she had other intentions. But Taeyeon hadn't done anything with her . . right?

"I thought maybe I could pry Taeyeon off you. Or maybe, you'd think about someone else to love. But you're loyal, and god that trait made you so fucking attractive." I winced at him complimenting me. It sounded so wrong, I couldn't tell if he was serious or not.

"Seolhyun would've done anything for Taeyeon. Even if it meant luring him into my trap if it meant she could spend a couple of minutes with him, like showing up at the club he was stationed at. They talked for some time while you were asleep Tiffany, and on a special night they played their cute game. That cat and mouse game. Just when it was about to end he turned that corner, I knocked him out chipped the guy and left him on the beach with some stupid note. He came to me crying about it, scared shitless."

"The night Key came home carrying him on his shoulder because he was drunk? Remember how Key told you he got jumped? He didn't. I just beat the crap out of him because I felt like it. Key doesn't know when he got there, he just saw Taeyeon laying there and went home with him."

"No one knew about who I was, not even the slightest clue."

I scoffed. "I can't believe he looks up to you and still calls you his Hyung."

He shrugged and scratched the back of his head, his eyes looking more sharper. "I had to come all the way out here just to tell you this Tiffany appreciate this."

"I never asked for you to come all the way out here. I didn't even want to come out here in the first place."

He furrowed his brows before laughing. I didn't know why he was laughing but I figured he was just . . crazy.

"You guys weren't supposed to leave the city, like at all. I wanted to torture Taeyeon a couple months more. And by torture, I meant that we play with the only thing that matters to him."

"That change of plans fucked it over and here we are now. That fucking Siwon kids a damn cop. That guy just had to chose the same day to unleash a manhunt on Taeyeon the time we were supposed to take you and him away. It was more of a fucking nuisance."

"Your father asked Siwon to watch over you. He didn't trust Taeyeon's ass, he's sending undercover cops to look after you. This is the same guy you're marrying, do you really want to marry Taeyeon?"

So Siwon was a cop. He was protecting me all along. . my dad sent him. How bad is Taeyeon if my dad could notice that about him?

"I guess there are good guys left in the world, and it's not Taeyeon. He's the real Prince Charming to a damsel in distress."

I was so quick to defend Taeyeon, to clear his name and preserve some dignity for him. I couldn't let anyone just beat down his image like that, but I questioned the authenticity of his 'goodness' though. "Taeyeon is good, he's a good guy." I mumbled, eyeing him slightly while remembering what Taeyeon said only a couple of hours ago. Asking me if he was a bad person, if he was really good. I said yes, he is good. Taeyeon is good. I believed he was.

"You seem unsure. Do you remember what the police are coming after him for?"

I don't even know what the police are after him for. . The more I think about it the more I realize we're running away because he did something illegal.

I didn't end up saying anything but he did. "He murdered 78 innocent people. Trafficking illegal cars, firearms, drugs, prostitutes. Money laundering of millions of dollars, 3 counts of tax evasion. Those are only someone of the main ones, I don't think you ant to hear about the other serious ones."

"You did that . . you caused him to do things like that. If he didn't . . you'd kill us. He didn't have a choice, he's doing it for me . . don't try to change what I think about him." My voice was so shaky, and for what?

It's because of me, Taeyeon you're doing this for me . . right?

"He had choices. He had other options. He just didn't think of them, now who's fault is that? You think he had a choice when he cheated on you? Of course. He just didn't think about it. You can't expect to change someone whose affiliated with gangs all his life, you can't change someone who all his life had hooked up with girls and then left. He was born into it, he's a criminal."

"Why are you still defending someone who's murdered innocent people, funded illegal criminal activities in a society where you live in. You're a teacher, how innocent is that? You teach little kids, but as soon as they grow up they'll face the reality of how harsh the world is. Their young minds tainted by murder, drugs, sex. Your 'husband' is funding that to keep the image alive."

What he said, rang in my head. I felt like it was seared into my mind, like an indestructible block being placed inside and no matter what I'd be forced to see it every single day.

"Don't say that about Taeyeon. There's goodness in him, don't try to downplay him. You're his Hyung. . why are you making this so hard for me? For us?" I say my voice cracking. There's a certain truth to his words and I hated ever word he said. It changed so much of what I thought about Taeyeon.

It gave me another perspective, but it wasn't something I was sure on taking up upon, because that's not how I view my Taeyeon.

I looked at Heechul who's always defended me, told Taeyeon that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him.

He keeps looking away from me and I'm begging him to defend me one last time, but I know he's holding a grudge against Tae.

"Before you met him, how easy was your life?"

"Life is not easy." I said sternly. He should know, we both should know.

He shook his head. "Not worry about your significant other coming home each day? Wondering if he'll be shot or pummeled to death. No worry about police, no worry about criminalizing ways. Don't you ever wonder if one day you woke up to find him locked behind bars far away in a prison cell you'll never be able to visit?"

"How does it feel to be around the words murder cash knowing that they have other meanings that what was intended constantly?"

I wanted him to stop. I didn't say a peep, but I wanted it to stop. The more he talked the more the reality set in for me, the more I wanted all of the normal things.

"How about a 'honey, what do you want for dinner tonight?' or 'When is our wedding?' have you guys talked about kids yet? Have you ever talked about 'how many kids do you want sweetheart?' I bet you haven't. I bet you've heard gunshots more than you guys have ever talked about living like a normal couple-"

He stopped when I broke our staring competition. I had tears in my eyes, but I forced them to stay, none of them fell.

"Don't you want that Tiffany? Don't you wish for that every single day?"

I couldn't deny it, I want that so bad. I realized I couldn't when I came back to Taeyeon, but I didn't accept it fully.

"How is any of that normal for a kindergarten teacher like you."

He's so good at this. He's so good at making me second guess everything.

"Why are you here then? If you're not here to save us . . what are you doing?" I spoke up, wanting to move on. I didn't want to hear the things that I could've had.

"I need to hear what I want from him, but it's not truly what I came for."

"What did you come for then? Revenge? There's nothing from us to take, you took everything. The cops are on our trail-"

"You're secretly the one I want." I stopped speaking and frowned.

His eyes lit up and he touched my hand gently, I pulled away but he just smiled. "When Taeyeon stupidly threw you in that secret dark room, it was so easy to make you distrust him. Then, all of a sudden your friendly neighbourhood oppa, me showed up and saved you."

"Didn't you think I was a total charmer? I was everything Taeyeon wasn't and you loved it didn't you? How I cared for you, stood up for you, unlocked that scary dark room for you, took you home, and most importantly listened to you?"

Heechul smirked. "As days went by I noticed how he doesn't deserve you one bit. You gave him so many chances yet he mistreated you like you were a thrift store doll. I admire how long you stayed with him cared for him. showed him unconditional love when he shouldn't have gotten any part of you. I thought you were so wonderful, such a beautiful young woman. I like you, Tiffany. I can love you the same, maybe even more." He said in a lover's voice, that coaxing warm voice but it was so deceptive.

No. No. No, he can't say that to me. That's so uncalled for, that's not . . fair.

Taeyeon deserves me, we talked about it a couple of hours ago. He was so scared, he thought he didn't, but he did. Didn't he?

"Heechul. . you know you can't . ."

"I can give you normal Tiffany. He doesn't have to know, we can go right now." He whispered in my ear, kissing me there. That was so wrong.

I felt chills up my spine and tried to move my head away, closing my eyes. "No-No, I promised I wouldn't leave Taeyeon and y-you're. ."

He started to breathe erratically. A rejection seemed to tip him off because he held me by my neck against the boulder, my arms immediately went up to try and pry him off but what use are my arm against a gangster.

"My best friends are both gone, my mother is up in heaven and it was because he just had to be your hero. I just want you, shouldn't you be my prize? My compensation?"

"He-Heech-" I choked, I was gasping for air, his grip got tighter and tighter.

"I don't want him dead. I want him alive, because I want answers. I want all that he is worth, then I'd kill him slowly. . ." He started smiling and he came closer to me, grabbing my chin to make me look at him. "And it all starts with you."

I winced when he shoved me back. I looked down at my arms and found them tainted with bloody hand prints that were dried. I trailed my eyes up his hands, finding them too crusty with blood.

"W-Who did you kill . ."

He smirked and glanced back at the lodge, wiping his hands on his pants before putting away his gun.

I scooted all the ay back, thumping against a hard rock. "Did you kill him?! Did you!" I started breathing heavily because that look on his crazy face just got more dirty. "That gun shot, that random gun shot . . . Did you kill him? He's your dongsaeng!"

He didn't say anything else but grabbed me firmly and ushered me to the house. I struggled in his hold, thrashing around and holding everything within my reach to leverage myself. I whimpered when his fist clasped too hard around my arm.

No, no. I don't want to see Tae on the floor bloodied.

If he was bringing me to see my killed bear . .

When he opened the door of the lodge he cupped my mouth, bringing me up the stairs of the cabin and I turned my head desperate to catch a glimpse of him, all I saw were the white sheets covering half of Taeyeon's leg.

"T-Taeyeon!" I tried to yell through Heechul's hand. I kicked over a stool and it made a loud ruckus, but it wasn't enough to make him at least move his leg or sit up. "T-Taeyeo-"

I couldn't see anything else before being thrown on the bed. The dust that started to float in the air made it hard to see, and so hard to breathe. "Killing, huh? Being tortured is much more worse. But the number one worst way to kill someone, is through psychological, emotional pain." He whispered, putting his gun on the broken stand beside us.

I sat up and tried to lunge for it, but he knew. I felt myself being thrown back against the rickety bed post, my head flung back to hit the wall. He grabbed me by my throat and frowned. "Don't try anything stupid."

I spat on his face, kneeing him in the groin and got off the bed running through the door and down the stairs as fast as I could. I was going to turn the corner, but I guess Heechul caught up because he grabbed me by the foot, making me slip on the floor with a thud, my head barely peeking past the door frame. I still only saw Taeyeon's leg in the same position I saw him when I left him, and the same position when I came back in here.

I feared the worst, but before I could even scream for Taeyeon, Heechul elbowed my temple, stuffing a cloth in my mouth and carrying me back upstairs. I laid limp on his shoulders, eye blurry seeing Taeyeon just . . lay there.

Heechul pushed me face down on the bed, palm resting against my cheek hand still muffling me. He was so stupid strong, it hurt so much. The side of my torso was pressed against edge of the bed, the firm mattress, I felt my insides burning.

When he flipped me over he hovered above me, pinning me down with his knee and ripped apart my clothes. His fast hands dug deep into his pocket and pulled out the thinnest blade I've ever seen.

Kick, punch, run away. Those things ran in circles around my head but I just couldn't do anything.

He leans down to my ear, practically breathing in it. His hot breath felt s uncomfortable to even be in close proximity. "You weren't supposed to be apart of this, hell you caused all of this.You're the center of it all Tiffany. If anything, you're the one to blame."

"I. . I didn't do anything." I mumbled lowly with uncertainty and I feel like as if it was my fault all of a sudden.

Was it?

"You think I don't know how you guys met?" He growled.

I frowned, my hand wanting to just slap him.

"If you hadn't met him, Taeyeon wouldn't have fucked up that Nichkhun kid. That wouldn't have gotten Eunhyuk to hear about Taeyeon's whereabouts. That wouldn't have caused Taeyeon to come back and relive his fucking childhood being affiliated with some gang shit. He wouldn't have asked Jonghyun to help him, he wouldn't have confronted Eunhyuk, killed him, kill Jonghyun too and then run. And guess what? Because of him, my fucking mother is dead and you know what happened to Kris? No one fucking knows. No one brings it up because we don't fucking know what happened to him. This all stems from you."

I blanked out and let it all absorb in. All I heard was he creaky old poor excuse of a bed, the fire crackling downstairs.

What he said, wasn't wrong. If Taeyeon just hadn't met me then. . there's no normal in him. Nothing about us, this relationship isn't normal.

I just want to get married, start a family, do the job I love and eat icecream in the park, go on movie dates with my significant other without thinking about . . criminal things.

It hurt.

"All for a fucking girl. You basically ruined a brotherhood and I applaud you. What is it about you that made him break our bond? To chose you over us?"

"I-I . ."

I tried to turn my head but that veiny rough hand kept pushing my down, almost suffocating me in the bed. My arms went and tried to swat it away but I felt that thin blade graze my skin, hot liquid trickling down my leg.

"Whatever it is, I want it. I want to see whats so fucking great about you." He spat, saliva dispersing in the air and all I could ever do was just eye the particles falling feeling my blood trail down.

I winced at the pain, whimpering pathetically as I laid lifeless in his arms.

"Fany-ah?" I heard Taeyeon's rumbling hoarse voice. I felt my arms start to shake.

"Where did you go Miyoungie?" The sound of my name that he rarely says, only when he wants to be gentle with me. Tears welled up in my eyes, trickling down my cheek. I wanted to call him back, but I couldn't.

When that cold hand trailed up my thigh and touched the waistband of my panties I closed my eyes.

"Miyoungie, love? Don't scare your bear? I miss you." He called a bit louder this time, making my heart break into pieces.

My bear.