Kim Taeyeon

"Fany-ah?" I called, scanning the room a bit more closely.

I turned around in my spot, nothing was out of place that I could see. "Where did you go Miyoungie?"

She promised me she wouldn't leave. We had that talk last night.

I frowned and held the open door, opening it wider so I could step out. I swallowed the lump in my throat, scared shitless. "Miyoungie, love? Don't scare your bear? I miss you." I called louder, hearing my own voice just project back due to the emptiness of the area.

That round item in my hand snapped in two. Although it was metal, it was brittle. I didn't realize how hard I was holding it till my hand was cut from the shards of metal. I opened up my palm and let the pieces drop on the floor.

I dragged my heavy feet back to the lodge, clenching my jaw not out of anger, but maybe because I didn't want to cry.

I opened the door with my foot and stood back, seeing a hover hunched over on the bed.

My hand fell directly on the gun in my holster and when the moonlight gave me some sort of lighting I saw Hyung's face.

Hyung.

My heart dropped when I realized who was on the bed. The hand on the gun fell to my side, shaking. I was so absorbed looking at the scene directly in front of me I didn't make out his arm lunging for the gun resting on the stool.

"H-Hyung n-no . ." Was all I could say.

He shot me right in the knee and I thought my knee cap had shattered. I went down fast, on my hands and knees, screaming in pain.

It hurt so bad but my eyes were still on him, on her too.

I propped myself against the half blown out door and lolled my head to the side. "H-Hyung . . I forgive you. I forgive you for whatever you have done to me, but I won't forgive her if you hurt her." I choked out, dear god.

I stared at the slim leg dangling off the edge of the bed, a thin stream of blood trickling down the skin and I had trouble breathing. Oh Fany . . what did he do to you?

"Fuck you. You never understand! You never appreciated anything and anyone, you spoiled little . . I'll show you Taeyeon." He said with a sloppy smile turned sinister.

"What?"

He knelt beside me and pressed the gun to my stomach, he kept pressing it like he wanted to stab me with it and it hurt so bad but I didn't expect him to pull the trigger, twice. It was so soon, he didn't even flinch. The whole time our eyes locked.

Bang. Bang.

"H-Hyung." I gasped, looking down as the bloody mess between our hands.

"I hope you die, and when you do say hi to Eunhyuk, Jonghyun and Mom for me. Then descend to hell and rot there and don't fucking worry, when I die I'll meet you there." He said with such anger and I had no idea where the fuck it came from.

"What happened to you?" I whispered, watching as he kept scratching the back of his head harshly.

"You wanna know how it feels? I'll show you how it feels." He said in a sing song voice. I furrowed my brows, not able to wrap my head around whatever was happening.

My wet hand squeezed the side of my body, trying to stop the bleeding. I gulped when he turned around and the grip on the gun tightened, I watched the muscles in his hand tighten. He was going to kill her, right in front of me.

The adrenaline kicked in and with just enough movement and power I crawled up, kicking the back of his legs causing his knees to buckle.

He fell over but got back up pretty quickly, I was left there panting and he strolled over to me kicking the side of my head. It hurt, but not as much as the bullet inside of me. I wish it went through and through.

He grabbed my neck and pinned me up against the wall, my head flung back to hit the hard bare concrete.

"Don't t-touch her. Do whatever you want with me. . Heechul." I slurred, my own saliva dripping from my mouth and onto his hand. My own breathing was getting cut off and I was too weak . .

"A-Anything?" He asked innocently, his eyes seemingly lit up and he loosened the grip on my neck just a bit.

My chance.

My leg that was bent and pinned against the floor infront of his crotch was able to be free for just a second. I moved up to kick him there, rolling over him and grabbing the gun between his pants and waist.

My hand slid against his sweaty neck and he held it both with his rough ones. I stared at him, wondering what the fuck was wrong. What did he even do . . why was he even here?

Why was Fany on the bed . . why was Fany bleeding . . why was Fany unresponsive to me? I didn't know those questions would cause the veins in my hand to bulge out and my grip to tighten. He looked blue, he turned blue.

It was his turn to drool out for me, for him to cough out and gasp for precious air.

I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to kill him. I can't. Not him, not my own family.

"Tae. . yeon."

I heard that whimper, that small call of my name made me loosen the hold on his neck. Her cry, she was crying . . she's hurt.

My brows furrowed and I saw my own trembling face in his dilated pupils, I saw how I looked, how ugly I looked and how monstrous I had become. This was my own Hyung. . I grew up with him and I knew I had not even 1 cell in me that would be able to kill him.

I couldn't. Someone needed me, she needed me.

My body just naturally gravitated towards her. I took a step back, letting him go. My own breath becoming ragged. His own body slumped on the floor, gasping for air as he watched me as I watched him.

"Hyung . . you hurt her . ." I whispered. "I-I can't forgive you." Ever.

The both of us must've looked so stupid and so foolish. I still love you like family. I nodded once at Heechul, but nothing more.

I turned around to see her, looking so vulnerable just sitting in the corner of the room curled up with the sheets around her small body.

Without a word I slowly inched my self there, hands still on my wound the sight wrapped me and encased me in a world of just her.

It's okay, Fany. It's just me. We will be okay.

"Fany." My trembling hand went up to her but she smacked it away harshly. I was taken back by the sudden movement.

"Don't come near me."

"Fany."

"Stop! Please!" She screamed, kicking me away and hitting me continuously but I kept trying to hold her.

A punch to my jaw made me pull back to see her face, I palmed the spot and looked at her desperately. "Fany-ah!"

"Get away from me!" She kept screaming, sobbing. My back was bruised but I knelt beside her. I let go of her and her nails ended up scratching the side of my face.

I felt wet liquid drop down from the side and I touched it, looking at my bloody fingertips.

"Why? What happened . . Why are you pushing me away?" I whispered, holding her chin to make her look at me. She shook her head out of my hold and muffled her sobs, she didn't even look at me.

"What did he do to you?" I mumbled, my fingertips barely touching her cold soft skin.

She shook her head and grabbed the loose bed sheets, bringing them up.

I pulled them down, my eyes darting over to the dried blood that trailed up her leg, I touched her skin and she started to hake, kicking me but I grabbed her foot and I tuned out her freaking out and just stared at the cuts.

My fist clenched and I let Fany go.

I turned around, seeing the empty spot near the mirror, he was gone. Where did he go? I don't care. In the midst of us fighting I didn't see the scattered clothes around the room. His shirt, the part of her dress that was ripped off.

I can never forgive you.

I picked up the shirt and ripped it into two, throwing it out in the hall shutting the door and jamming it closed. I toppled over a bookshelf, barricading the door. I slid an old lather couch just behind the bookshelf, whatever I could get my hands on and heave to the door I lodged it there.

My knees gave and I sat on the floor, wiping the sweat on my forehead as the torn drapes fluttered in the breezy air with the window open.

She stayed quiet, looking at the wall while hugging her knees.

I didn't know what to do. I felt so lost in what to do.

She won't talk to me, look at me. I can't even touch her . . it's like I was evil, a plague, something bad something villainous.

How did it come to this? We were fine, we were okay jut hours ago and yet. .

Once I heard the sounds of the helicopter and blaring truck horn. I knew they were coming. I closed my eyes, rubbing my temples. I just can't seem to get a break. Not even at a moment like this.

I cleared my throat, letting my presence be known. "Fany, the cops are here. We have to get out of here." I said, peeling back the curtains a bit to see the flashing red and blue lights. The sirens got louder and louder as the wheels of the car traveled and crunched along the gravel.

She sat there still, cold. Cold like, lifeless and an absolute mess. No response.

I didn't want to touch her or make her upset.

My fingertips went up to her arm, touching her gently. She flinched but didn't protest this time.

My fingers went up to pull the bra strap that fell down her arm up. I draped my jacket over her, covering her bare arms and tattered dress.

I searched along the room for a cloth and grabbed it off the shelf. I turned the rusty tap on, hearing the drops of water wet the material.

I walked back to her cautiously, kneeling beside her. I showed her the wet cloth and she wasn't even looking at me or anything I was doing. Her eyes were still on that chair in the corner of the room.

I dabbed her little knick clean and wiped her face clean of blood. My hands gingerly made it's way down her neck, along her collarbone.

I took her soft hands into mine, turning them over to see her palm. The one milky white skin was now so patterned with dried red, blood. I wiped it clean, scrubbing gently to not scare her away.

The constant dripping of the faucet paired with the clicking of the window drove me insane.

I wanted to leave this claustrophobic dark room. It prohibited so much life.

My head snapped towards the echoing footsteps. The multiple footsteps. They were getting closer. I swallowed the lump in my throats and turned to Fany.

That cold, unresponsive lifeless look. Still staring into the corner of the room on that fucking chair.

"Fany, we have to go."

"Fany, we have to go." I repeated a bit louder.

The door pounded, I heard the shouts of the police.

I panicked, grabbed her arm and lifted her up. She elbowed the side of my temple and kept pushing me back. Her hand ended up pushing on the wound just below my rib and it felt like it got punctured and ripped wide open all over again.

I leaned on the wall clutching my torso. Even through her reluctance, she didn't say anything. Not even a 'stop it.' Instead, she had silent tears. She fell back on the floor and sat there, tears streaming down her face rapidly.

I breathed in and out, the pain eating away at my flesh and my insides were churning. I could barely move, I had to bend slightly to accommodate the freshly torn open laceration.

The knockings of the door increased a ten fold. The sirens we're blaring, the sounds of dog barks amplified in that thin hallway outside and they declared who they were multiple times. Police, right.

I removed my arm and looked at my forearm tainted with yet again my own blood.

Another set of banging sand then it stopped. A rhythmic beating of the door sounded instead and I saw how the door dented. They were using a battering ram to get in.

I crawled over to Stephanie quickly, touching her gently. I wanted her to look at me at least, but when I had my hand holding her chin she moved away, shoving me back.

It hurt. The rejection was worse than all the cuts I had on my body. What was wrong? Why is she denying me.

When the door swung open and sent the shelves crashing with such force I stared at the amount of blue collared men with flashlights, and guns pointed at me that flooded in.

For the first time in a long time, I truly didn't know what to do. It was out of my control. I don't know what will happen.

I looked at the person beside me. Often finding comfort and calmness when I always did, but when the person I go to isn't herself anymore, it was no longer the same.

I looked at the space between our knees, it was only an inch apart. I was so close to her. She was so close to me. We were together in this.

I slowly put my hands up, still looking at my little one.

But they charged towards me, tackling me to the nearest wall, my head thrown back with a loud thunk. They pinned my hands behind my back with such excessive force that I felt like it would snap.

I shook my head. "N-No you got the wrong guy! I-I'm her-" They punched my mouth and I felt blood flow right back into my mouth.

My eyes widened, they were all over the place. Everywhere I looked blue shirts. Black caps.

They yanked me always nd I felt my feet drag. My arms were restrained by other pairs of arms.

I didn't know why I was getting taken away. I wasn't the bad guy here.

Fany needs me.

"N-No!" My legs were planted on the floor, I pulled myself forward resisting their pull.

I wanted to be beside her, they were dragging me away from her. They were separating me from her and I didn't understand.

I was the good guy, I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm her . . soon to be husband. I saved her.

"Fany-ah! Fany! Please tell them, tell them!" I begged and pleaded.

Tell them, love. If you do, they'll let me go. I'll be beside you.

I thrashed in their hold, still resisting and they had a couple of guys on me. Slowly my vision of her started to dwindle as their bodies covered my sight.

"Say something! Fany-ah! Tell them I'm not the bad guy! Fuck!" I spit in the guys face infront of me and muscled my way out of the bodies.

I crawled my way through their legs, my fingers clawing at the floor desperate to get grip. I saw how there were so many people around her. She looked so frightened yet didn't respond to them.

Her eyes met with mine as I sprinted towards her, I wanted to grab her and run.

Run away from all this again.

I was so close to reaching that little girl sitting in the floor with her light pink dress.

The tug of my leg gets me to stop and fall, landing on the floor flat with a loud thud. My chest echoed that sound and I felt even more limp. She was so close to my reach.

I got dragged. Dragged back so hard that I felt my torso getting burns. My back was beaten by batons and I felt my body suddenly get a shocked.

But I never once broke that gaze I had with her. She looked at me for once. But she looked at me as I got beaten and taken away.

I laid there in my drool. My blood smeared all over the floor, yet I still had sight of her light pink dress.

My face was pressed against the cement floor, sweat blood and whatever fluid I happened to have on me coated my body. My hands were clammy, arms were sore because of how they were cuffed.

Siwon, Choi Siwon rushed to her as I eyed them from the floor where my head was being pressed against on from an officers foot. I was left drooling slobbering on the floor like a dog in the hot sun.

In his blue dress shirt and bulletproof vest with the bold words 'police' written across the chest, he took off his LAPD cap and knelt down. Fany's eyed trailed up front he floor up to his leg and met his. He touched her shoulder and she didn't flinch, she looked relieved. He enveloped her body with his and all I saw was his back. I couldn't see her face anymore.

I hated him, for not a reasonable reason at all. That's my love, I'm supposed to be consoling her, she's supposed to touch me, she's supposed to look relieved at the sight of me. I should be the one holding her, the on she can go to and think 'I'm safe.' I heard my own jaw grinding my teeth back and forth seething in my spot.

The foot on my head nudged me and I grunted. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?"

I nodded. "Yes."

They lifted me up and with hands on my cuffed ones turned me around and ushered me through the door. I took a glance behind me, catching just the corner of her pink dress in the sea of bodies, even between the people our eyes just barely met.

She looked away.

The obnoxious click of the door and then the slam amplified in the ward. Visiting room, is that what they called this?

They pushed me towards the lonely wooden chair, the lights flickered and I looked back to see the fat police guard scoff.

I sat down, the chains of the cuffs jingling. My sandals shuffling across the dusty floor.

I looked up at the plastic pane. It was so dark. I couldn't make out anything.

They had a second light in that room and they turned it on.

My heart beat faster seeing her. She looked the same. Her skin was cleaner, she had a change of clothes. It had only been 48 hours and she still looked cold and fucking lifeless.

I picked up the retro ass phone on the right of me, bringing it up my ear and expecting her to do the same.

Instead she looked down and played with her hands.

"Fany? Pick up the phone please." I said. I don't know if she could hear me or if she had to pick up the phone to hear me, but I said it anyways.

"Fany. Pick up the phone." I growled. My fist squeezing the plastic handle tightly.

She didn't move a fucking muscle.

I stood up from my chair slowly. "Pick. Up. The. Phone. Stephanie."

The prison guard just coughed, the buzzing of the lights continued and I had it.

I clutched it once more, hearing the plastic squeak in my hold. I threw the phone towards the plastic pane, and kicked the wooden chair over.

My chest cavity was filling with air rapidly and at the same time expelling so much I felt light headed.

"Fucking say something Stephanie! Look at me!" I yelled, shaking the edges of the table. My voice filled my ears, and it was only my voice.

"Tell me what happened damn it! What the fuck happened in the room with you and Heechul?! What happened Stephanie!"

Her hand was clutching the edge of the wooden chair, her head hung low and I leaned against the divider beside the plastic pane, banging my fist it, my forehead pressed against it. Dear god, send help.

I was in this room without anyone but myself and some shitty security guy.

She was on the other side, the only thing separating between me and her was plastic.

My throat felt dry but I pushed it. "I don't know how long I'll be in here, and I don't know if you'll wait for me. But can you at least say something to me Fany-ah. I-I just want to hear your voice." My voice trembled with fear. I might never get to see her.

My desperate plea, she still didn't even look at me.

I slid over to the plastic pane and pounded on it, making it shake and rattle. "Fany-ah! Say something you hear me?!" I screamed even louder, she could probably hear me without the phone.

The loud buzz and the metal door unlocking didn't faze me. I knew they were coming, the guards. They restrained me once more and pulled me back, diving me roughly out of the room and I saw her getting smaller and smaller the farther I got.

There she sat, unresponsive and lifeless looking.

It pissed me off.

I got thrown back into my cell but I didn't care. Prison didn't scare me.

Her not talking did.

I don't want to go home. Not if she's like this.

2 Months Later

The jingling of keys and the door lock opened. Man, rusty metal is so hard to listen to.

"You're good." The prison guard said, waiting for me to stand up. I squinted, scrutinizing him from head to toe. He wasn't just any police officer, he dressed a bit too formal. Probably a special one assigned to me, since . . well apparently I'm leaving now.

I cocked a brow, hand still behind my head as I threw the stone against a wall, catching it when it came back.

I didn't want to go home.

For straight 2 months I was holed up in jail,mostly in my cell. Not one day passed and I didn't think of her day and night. I knew she was at Sooyoung's house, taken care of and looked after. I was glad, she needed someone. But I thought about her, so much.

She always told me, 'be good for me' and I did.

I was because I got to have calling privileges when I was. I called her, at first the same time for a week. She never picked up.

I called at different times of the day the next week, hoping that maybe I'd catch her on one of those hours. Never did.

I kind of gave up. Days came slow, and whenever I missed her too much I called her. Knowing that the answering machine would always be at the end of the call if she never did pick up. I heard her voice only for 5 seconds.

'Fany Fany Tiffany isn't here to pick up your call right now! Leave me a message!' I can even picture her smiling at the end of that automated message.

I always waited patiently in my cell every Monday at 10 AM for the mail to come around. I expected a letter from her, or from anyone.

But every Monday just like every call, left me disappointed. I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the other cells across from me acting like monkeys in metal cages. Ironic. My cell mate snoring on the top bunk didn't help either, we were all foolish criminals here for different cases.

I wondered what Heechul was doing. I didn't hate him, I couldn't hate him. He was an exception, and I couldn't bring myself to accept that. I wanted to hate him yet I asked if was he doing okay because I still cared.

I wasn't stupid. He had something to do with Fany . . I just didn't know what.

Other days were just me dealing with a cop on my ass. Siwon really was a cop, Dr. Choi wasn't lying. Undercover cop police officer Siwon Choi. He sat me down one day, interrogation. Asked me a bunch of question, and when I didn't answer to anyone I remember distinctively what happened.

He slammed both hands on the table, his shiny metal badge reflecting a glimmer in my eyes, he got up right close and personal to my face and sneered at me. "You better start coughing up answers if you wanna ever get back home to Stephanie-"

I brought my clasped hands together and swung into this right eye socket, he staggered back holding his eye, swearing the entire book and growling. "Stay the fuck away from my wife." I spat, then a swarm of blue collared men rushed in, apprehending me as I stared at him hissing in pain while I was being cuffed and handled roughly.

My wife. My Fany. My eyes felt like they were drying up as I eyed Siwon in my spot without blinking, I kept staring at him and when the thought finally hit me that Fany was home . . I started to chuckle. I laughed so hard that after the interrogation room clicked closed, I heard him curse.

"Fuck you Taeyeon!" He hollered, and that echoed so sweetly.

Mine. Fany is still mine, even if I'm still here, Shitwon.

All I ever wanted to do was go home, because I knew I wasn't . . bad. I was normal . . .

No. I'm not.

"Kim, out the cell." He said in a stern voice that snapped me out of my rhythmic daze. I didn't want to go home. Not to her. She didn't want me there. Or at least I thought she didn't. I didn't feel welcomed anyways.

Even if I did go she wouldn't have talked.

I stood up, sticking my rock back in the hole in the wall and bumping past the broad shouldered guard, I side eyed him, giving him a dirty look as he narrowed his eyes at me under that black police cap. I saw that tinge of blonde hair underneath it and I started to laugh.

What trend did I miss being away 2 months from civilization?

I let him cuff me behind my back as I shuffled along the narrow hall past shouting inmates. The guard shoved another inmate straight into my cell, replacing me right away like this damn prison wasn't overfilled enough.

I was ushered out of my cell, pushed into a room and it had a locker where I had the stuff I came in here with in the first place. I unlocked it and there wasn't really anything but my wallet and old clothes. I changed into a t-shirt and jeans and a bomber jacket, opting to shower first before leaving.

Just before I went through the blue metal doors of the prison, they uncuffed me. I touched my wrist, finally free of metal rings around my fucking hands. I gave a slight bow to the random guard at the door, my foot reaching the pavement as I looked up to see . . green trees. Buildings, cars. I smelled the air, finding it strange that it didn't smell like urine, dusty bars and dried up cheetos.

Smelt like ass, but it was freedom.

Where first? Home?

Was it because I missed Heechul, missed Jonghyun? I missed someone, and I happened to bring myself to my hometown. The neighbourhood I grew up in, I made a round trip along every street post, every store and every park.

I walked with my hands in my pocket, just observing life. Truthfully, being locked up in a small room didn't affect me in anyway. Being lonely was normal to me, it was normal to me for many years of my life till . . Fany. Difference was when I was lonely in the cell, I missed her.

I was eager to go home, because she was home and the loneliness would go away when I returned.

I just had a lot of thinking, a lot of missing and a lot of wondering for a good 2 months. Didn't affect me that much.

I stopped at a familiar Bodega, the one me Jonghyun used to stop by before school. It's even so long, I don't even know if the fat cat Daisy was still in the corner munching on cooked peas.

I was close by the bay, and I could probably use some fresh air walking into civilization again.

I ordered a cup of coffee, and a bagel. I don't even like bagels but whatever. Better than whatever the shit they served in prison.

The chimes rang when I opened the store door and walked out, heading down the stairs to the beached out area.

I opted out for the shaded area. A cliff like ledge where it had a couple of shrubs and a tree.

There was always a person there fishing but I wasn't going to bother them. Just wanted to sit and hang my feet off the ledge.

I climbed up to the cliff and sat down on the patchy grassy spot underneath the tree. I placed my coffee cup on a rock nearby and opened my brown bag, the paper crinkling and scrunching up as I slid the warm bread out.

Smells like convenience store, bacon, eggs, and a good whole slice of American cheese. I sighed, lips curling up to a smile at the thought of sitting on this same exact cliff right before school, stuffing my small face with this exact bagel thing.

I never liked bagel ever since. I got sick and tired of it.

I could see in the corner of my eye the guy fishing shuffling to the side while reeling up a big ol fish. Good times, really.

Something about just sitting around watching the calm waters with a close friend, reeling in your line every now and then was special? Bonding? Did they call it that. I never did i with Jonghyun.

I guess I got distracted because the guy ended up sitting beside me, plopping himself down which startled me slightly. "You never liked bagels." The low raspy voice said.

"Yeah I don't." I mumbled, chewing slowly.

Then it hit me. How'd he know?

The guy beside me shifted and I frowned about to place whatever I had down ready to fight. He lifted his hat up and a small tinge of blonde hair stuck out, the shadow of his distinctive eyes and that weird smile. I almost spat out my bagel.

"Y-Y-You." I stuttered, the bagel sandwich in my hand rolled off my hand and fell off the cliff, dropping in the sea with an audible 'plop.'

He smiled and took off his hat fully. Turning around to stand infront of me, hand outstretched beckoning me to take it.

"You're kidding me." I mumbled, my jaw practically unhinged. My heart beat faster. It couldn't be. . no.

"Touch me, I'm all human." He said proudly, patting his chest before extending his hand.

I looked at his hand. Skin, flesh, bone. In front of me. "Tell me you're who I think you are." I mumbled.

He cleared his throat and smiled cheekily. "J-o-n-g-h-y-u-n, K-i-m!"

"Fuck you Jonghyun." I slapped his hand away and threw a crumpled up piece of paper at him.

He sat down beside me and I wanted to punch him in the neck. But I didn't. I let him sit beside me as my body started to relax. All of me wanted to hug him, god he was . . here.

My brother, my own family. I swallowed my happy tears, my other feelings consuming me in an instant.

"Explain." I grumbled. I glanced at him to see if he was actually real. Like here, human being. Not some terrestrial being or a ghost.

He smiled and sighed, placing his palms behind him as he propped himself up and swung his legs. "Faked my death the moment they took me into the ambulance. Kris did a swap with my body before anyone got to it at the hospital. It worked to get myself out of the triad." He said so stupid proudly.

My fist clenched at his stupid plan.

"Jonghyun I thought you were dead! I held you in my arms crying like a little bitch! You had me believing that I killed you for months! I couldn't live with myself! Did you know how close I was to killing myself over it?! I went crazy! Then I had to go back in the triad! Work things out so your fucking family could be in peace Jonghyun!" God how much I wanted to kill him myself.

"No one asked you to do that for me!" He hollered, shoving me by the shoulder.

I snapped my head att him and punched him on the side of his head. "But it's the least I can do! Do you realize how sorry I felt towards you when I left you at first?! You were gone, it was something I wanted to do to make it up to you since I didn't get the chance to, you fucking dipshit!"

"I'm sorry I hurt you okay? I couldn't tell anyone about my plan, not till at least a year. No one knew Taeng except Kris. That's why he's never here anymore . . he went to China to stay low and avoid questions. I was going to come back and tell you. I hear you were in jail and maybe you know . . . I came to break you out of jail." I scoffed and slapped the back of his head, he smiled a bit and rubbed the back oof his head.

No fucking wonder. I had so many charges against me I wouldn't have been a walking man in my fucking late 100's. No question were asked of me when I left. That fucking prison guard who told me to go, was him. I wasn't stupid, but I went with it. I was too tired to be suspicious, but I guess my carelessness paid off. It was a good thing.

I shook my head. "No, what's done is done. Jonghyun, I don't know what's happening anymore. I have no idea what happened . . My girl's not okay and something happened to her because she's . . I don't know Jonghyun, I don't know what she is, but it's because of this fucking triad. . " I said, shaking the memories out. Just the thought of finally seeing her made tears well up my eyes.

"Shit." He muttered.

"I-I wish I never knew you were alive." I blurted out my endless thoughts, that statement being 100% true.

"So you wish I was dead? Taeng, you didn't even attend my funeral." He mumbled, trailing off. I felt guilty that I didn't attend the funeral but.

"I couldn't look at you dead Jonghyun. I loved you the most, out of everyone in our clique I loved you the most Jonghyun. Not even Heechul . ."

"You mean Hyung." He pointed out.

I shook my head. "He doesn't deserve that title anymore."

His brows knitted and he sat up straighter, looking concerned. "Why?"

I hummed and played with my thumbs. I don't want to tell him, yet. "I don't even know how my girlfriend is. Do you know how much that kills me? You and mom meant a lot to me. Heechul too. But she makes me so exceptionally happy. I felt like she was taken away from me." I frowned when my talk was all about Fany. Jonghyun was here. I should appreciate that.

"I never really met her, but she must be something to make you happy. You never smiled so damn much in your life." He teased, howling in laughter when I glared at him.

I stood up and he did too, I ended the talk about Fany right there.

I just smiled, sighing out in relief and pulled Jonghyun into a hug, patting his back a bit too hard but it was a 'bro' hug. "Jonghyun, I missed you. God, I thought you were gone you punk. But I'm in this mess and I don't know how to get out."

"Hyung. I came back for you. I'll take you with me this time." He punched my gut jokingly and I dug my hands into my pocket, walking side by side.

"Unlike me."

"I don't hold it against you. I understand Taeng."

I laughed a bitter one. "I just left you here. In the triad to fend for yourself. They all jumped you like viscous dogs they were.

"Let's just start new. I'll help you. We can get that fancy yacht, a bunch of chicks, a kick ass cabin and fish a whole years full of food."

I rose a brow. A part of me was questioning the integrity of his words. Would he keep those promises? Sounds a bit ridiculous, but like Eunhyuk said those bitter words to me once 'everyone that enters your life eventually leaves' it seemed so true these days. I can't help but feel so unsure about myself.

"I'm staying, Taeyeon." He voiced out, knowing exactly what I was thinking. I felt myself float just a bit, in bliss.

I gestured my hand out, narrowing my eyes at my hand. He started laughing and immediately his warm hand wrapped around mine and we shook on it, sealing the deal.

It felt damn good, having some reassurance. I let go afterwards, finding it fucking awkward. I shoved him away and we walked back from the cliff along the sidewalk.

I flipped Jonghyun's cap backwards and he growled. "You look like a k-pop idol. The fucks with the blonde hair?" I pulled at his hair and he swatted my hand in annoyance.

He patted his hair back and tried to fix it. "I happen to think I look great in it."

"Every time I look at you I can't help but laugh. I can't take you seriously."

He shoved me hard enough for me to trip, I was practically doubled over laughing on the dirt. I kicked his leg and he toppled over too, we both laid on the grassy field with our laughs trying to fight over each other.

A brief pause and it let me think. It will be okay. We, will be okay.

I glanced back to see the car idling there, he waved and gave me a thumbs up. My hands were shaky as I slid the key in, I turned it and took a deep breath.

I unlocked the door and carefully walked in. Instantly all the familiar things flushes right back into me.

I felt more of a human and less of a prisoner in a confined society.

The furniture seemed to be unchanged, the shoes and the clothes on the racks were familiar.

I recognized the red leash and smiled. Still here too.

"Honey. I'm home." I mumbled. I breathed out and placed my duffel bag on the floor.

I was once so used to coming home to an energetic little bunny welcoming me with the biggest hug known to man.

But I'm just greeted with nothing.

My biggest fear right now was walking into my room and finding that her closet is emptied. Or the bed is made neatly without a single evidence of her sleeping in it.

My fear is that she left, and I still don't know if I can take another leave from her.

I opened the door quietly. Just in case that if she was there I wouldn't startle her.

I walked in and I guess today was my lucky day because she was there.

Tucked underneath the blankets like a little lump sleeping soundly.

I took my seat in the corner of the room. Far from her yet at the same time not so.

I wanna keep an eye on her, protect her because I wasn't able to in the first place.

For me I'd rather watch her than go to sleep because it'll be settling in my heart to know that in my own care, she's under my watch. That she'll be protected by me.

I held the tears that started to form in my ducts. Every cell in my body that existed wanted to hug her, kiss her, hold her and hear her precious voice because I've been so deprived of it for so long.

I bit my knuckles, wiping away the crying I was doing.

I didn't realize she had woken up till I registered it in my brain.

"F-Fany-ah?" I choked.

She stared at me with worrisome eyes and I got up from my seat, making my way to her because I couldn't contain the excitement in my heart.

I knelt on the bed and she brought the covers up. Her clutch on monkey George went tighter and I couldn't understand.

My hand went up to cup her cheek, but she moved away. She moved further away, like I was some sort of predator.

I started to ache profoundly. Constant rejection from the one I love the most, yet I can't blame her.

There's nothing I can blame her for. I did this to her, I dragged her into this.

It's because of me. She had to experience something so traumatic.

My connections to the triad, that's me. She just happens to be my girl, a prized possession they know how to take from me.

She didn't want anything to do with this nor did she have anything to do with it. It was so unfair to her and I am sorry to her because of it.

It was my fault I couldn't watch out for her, to protect her to keep her safe. I knew how dangerous it was for her to be alone yet my naive judgment got the better of me and it just happened.

I turned around and sat on the edge of the bed. I ran my rough hands through my hair and had hot tears dripping out of my damn no good eyes.

"Fany-ah. I haven't seen you in two months. In a time like this I think we need each other, so please don't shut me out?"

"What happened?" I muttered. I know she can hear me. She knows it. I know it.

She sighed, and didn't say a word.

"What. Happened." I repeated and when there was nothing I shut my eyes tight. "Fany! Please tell me! I'm begging you, what happened!"

"Why didn't you wake me up when you got up, why didn't you keep your end of the promise to wake me up if you saw something, why was Heechul there, what did Heechul do to you? Why didn't you speak to me when you visited me once and that was 48 hours after the incident, why didn't you pick up the phone when called you, why didn't you write a letter to me. No, no no, those aren't important as why the fuck do you respond to Siwon but not me! Why!" At the end I had a finger pointing right at her, my chest heaving and I was standing up, my knees felt like they were going to give.

I fell down to my knees, close to her leaning against the bed. "Why can't you touch me, look me in the eye, talk to me? Whats wrong with me? What did I do? I-I needed you back then, and I need you the most now. Please Fany." I pleaded, my head barely lifted up. My fingertips touched her palm slightly, but I retreated my hand and I know she felt it. I'm desperate.

"I'm sorry." She said, voice cracking. My voice perked at her soft voice I've longed to hear for months. I couldn't be angry with her, everything I listed I couldn't blame her for it and it frustrated me.

"Will you tell me what happened?" I asked.

"I-I can't."

"Why not?"

She shook her head.

Am I not a significant other to her anymore, her best friend? Someone she can tell her problems to, who she can lean on? What am I to her now? I clenched the bed sheets, wanting to be angry but I know I can't.

I have no idea where our relationship stands at this very moment. But I know for sure that one thing I wasn't going to do was to give up.

I glanced at her fingers grasping the sheets. Bare. Ring less. Where the fuck, is my ring to her?

"Are you thinking about leaving?" I asked. I turned around and she looked at me apologetically. I held my breath at the sight. I felt the part of my chest just have this eerie feeling of coldness run through it.

This was too much for her. It was out of my control.

I don't know . . if it will be okay.

I kept looking at the ceiling as if they were clouds and started to imagine different shapes and images on it. I was bored out of my mind on a Thursday night, usually a few months ago nights like these were just me and her playing games, she'd be reading me a book or we'd be watching her reality TV show.

The week was just back and forth, us fighting, me wanting her to tell me. It went around in circles. 'Tell me what happened.' to 'I can't' to 'why?' then it escalated to 'are you leaving me?' and it popped over and over again. Endless fights, it made us become distant.

It was around 2:30 in the morning when I heard my door creak open. I glance upon it just to see my familiar small button walk towards the edge of the bed and lean down. She sat on the bed and hit me really hard on the chest.

I was really confused at first but she pulled back my covers and laid on me like she always had done. Her head was right under my chin and I smelt her sweet floral shampoo that I grew to love more and more.

She hits me harder on the chest as she buries her face into my neck and cries. I felt her hot tears roll down the side of my neck and she hits me harder muffling her sobs.

I missed her so much, that weight on my body every night and the extra warmth that radiated off her body to mine was my normal.

"I h-hate you so much. I can't take it." Her husky tired voice made me sigh. Her hitting got more frantic, harder, and I felt every feeling she was going through from every smack I got.

"Why are you like this? Why are we like this? I don't understand, tell me Taeyeon." She stops her hitting and cries harder. I couldn't do much but listen and lay pretty.

"I don't know. I really don't." I rub her back as gently as I could.

Her sobbing eventually got quiet till it completely died out. She was in deep thought and said nothing as her breath got more ragged and her body was heaving up and down.

Throughout the night, it was a repetition of exactly that. I don't have the right words to say, and frankly she knows nothing I say will make it right. I have nothing to do but just be sad with her.

But I had so many things to say, so many things to ask. I couldn't help it but just say it. "I understand that what you went through is too much for you that you can't handle it and want to leave. . I get that."

"Whatever happened behind that door with Heechul. . . I understand if you can't talk about it now, but I want you to know that I'm here, I'm listening and I will love you the same no matter what you tell me. I just hope that in the future you will speak to me about it, because I want to know how you're feeling. Those two months I was in jail I couldn't ask how you were, so I'd like to know."

"I wouldn't have thought that you father would ask Siwon to watch over you, then have him try to turn me in through the cops. But I can't understand Heechul, he betrayed me. Jonghyun's even alive. . I would never have imagined this ever. There's so many things happening right now, everything is falling apart for me but I didn't think at the end of this we would fall apart too." I said sadly, eyeing the top of her head.

"I thought we were stronger than that. That we would last through everything, even the toughest moments we lived on Fany, but right I don't know about us. I thought we could lean on each other after all that has happened, but I don't know." We we're both sobbing by the time I was done. . talking.

She didn't reply to what I had said, but by the way she kept clenching my shirt it was almost like she was talking.

I didn't sleep, instead I stayed up all night comforting her and saying anything I could but sorry. She doesn't want to hear it and I know.

My chest was bruised by the time day rolled around, as she fell asleep at around 5 in the morning and her face was messy with dried tears and her hair stuck to places on her face. Her lips were chapped to no surprise and her hand had an iron grip on my shirt.

It was balled up in her palm and I slowly opened it up, letting my own hand take its place. I kissed her every second I got and fixed her silky hair.

It will be okay. We have to be okay.

After that night, everything went back to the both of us staying silent and ignoring the other as if they didn't exist. Nothing was exchanged between us and I didn't confront her about the night and I didn't plan to.

We'd occasionally bicker like usual but it wasn't till Siwon had showed up to my door checking up on her that we had another shouting match that ended up with her crying again.

She was in front of one the closets frantically taking out a coat and her purse getting ready to leave for some time alone from me and just before her hand touched the door knob I grabbed her hand.

I feared that she'd leave me forever. She was just about to go through that door, I would've witnessed her walk out on me, that door would've closed.

I felt myself in her shoes when I was the one that left her in our very first fight. I now know why she told me she couldn't believe it when I left, when I had really left. That feeling when someone so precious to you walks out on you and you can't do anything but just feel.

I feared losing her tonight, this was the last straw.

I pushed her in the closet firmly and closed the door behind me before placing my hands on either side of her head on the wall, looking straight at her puffy, swollen, glossy eyes that cried because of me.

But even with the closet being pitch black, I could see it. Her small whimper made my heart soften. I wasn't mad at her for anything. It subsided significantly when she cried and called out my name that same night this fight even started.

"Look at me." I said sternly. She looked away from me and turned her head but I followed, still unmoved with my position. "No, Miyoung. Look at me."

Her eyes met mine and she looked a mixture of sadness and anger, but that anger I didn't know where it came from.

"Do you see me? It's me. I'm not hurting you love, I'm not bad." I whispered, she still seemed reluctant.

"Miyoungie . . I'm here to love and support you. Not hurt you, or cause you emotional distress. So please, look at me, touch me, talk to me." We saw each other and I sighed tiredly.

"What have we become? Why do we do this to ourselves? I can't handle the tension between us anymore. It's agonizing because I hate the feeling of a huge compression on my chest every time I see you look away from me and ignore me." I whisper as gently as I could and leaned in closer to her as she lets tears streak down her face quietly nonstop. She pushes my face away from her roughly but I lean in back to her letting only half an inch between us.

She slapped me multiple times across the face as she kept crying. I let her do that because I deserve it. I felt so much guilt towards her. But the sight of her doing this to me as she cried sucked.

I held her hand close to my cheek after she had a go with her frenzy hits. "Hit me, touch me. I'm still the same guy who you call bear. Nothing's changed."

Her delicate hand immediately molded against my face and she grazed it with her thumb, her eyes softening and glistening. "Bear. ." She said with trembling lips.

"Why are we always fighting Miyoung? Is this it? Because if this is us for the rest of our lives, fighting, shouting, making each other upset or sad every single day then I don't know what to do about it. But I know what I'm not going to do, and it's to not abandon what we have and call it quits. I'm not giving up on you, or us. It's not going to be like last time. There will be no goodbyes. Truthfully, I miss you. I miss your touches and your little laughs or the welcome homes you give me every time I come home. A part of me is missing my other half Fany-ah, this isn't right. It isn't right and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so so sorry." She cups her mouth with her hand crying into them as she muffles her sobs and shakes her head while her other hand is pushing me away by the shoulder.

"I want to know what happened because it affected you, I don't like seeing you like this and I just want to know what hurt you, what has pained you so much, dear?" She nodded and started to have a bit of hiccuping in her cries.

"I love you." I whisper and kiss her cheek. It's the first time I've said it since the week, and I felt myself just crumble as I spilled those three words off my lips. I've also never been this close to her during the week, and man does it feel fulfilling.

"I h-hate y-you." She pulls her hand away from me and I expected her to walk away. My disappointment was starting to rise, what did I expect. But she didn't. She slid down the wall, sitting down in the closet floor looking at me with glazy eyes.

"Miyoungie? What's wrong?" I said quietly, kneeling down slowly.

We looked at each other till she inches closer to me, eyeing my body.

She tucked herself underneath my chin and with trembling arms wrapped herself around me.

"Taeyeon, hold me." She said in a small voice, an innocent pure voice that I didn't want to break further.

Carefully I placed a hand gently on her back and watched her reaction. She moved slightly at the touch but nothing too extreme.

I continued and put another arm around her back, pulling her close to me and keeping her tucked beneath my chin.

Our skins touching, her hot ragged breath on my neck made it feel so . . fake.

I sat there with her in my arms, I don't know what I was waiting for. But I stayed quiet, never taking for granted this moment.

There was another short break before I felt another squeeze on my shoulder, she sighed contently.

"I do feel safe with you. . like no ones going to take me away or harm me. You're my happy place . ." She mumbled against me, I felt her lips nibble on me.

"I try my hardest to keep you safe, always."

"I-I was scared that I could never touch you again, never have you again. I kept pushing you away in fear that it'll happen Taetae. . what happened with Heechul. . I feel dirty, I thought if I told you. . you'd go away." She hugged me harder and she did it tightly while crying into my shoulder. I felt her trembling hands trail up my spine and I felt so warm yet so empty.

"No, don't think that. Don't."

She unlatched herself from me and wiped her tears away with her hand. "No more Taeyeon, I can't handle it. Make it stop, make this stop. I'm going to break . . this isn't normal and I can't handle it . . "

My eyes started to water and I realized how unfair this was for her. My heart ached for her and I felt so sorry towards her.

"I'm trying, baby I'm trying." My voice came out cracked.

"Taeyeon, I can't do this anymore." She begged, pulling on my fingers, head still curled up to my neck.

"Do you want out then?" I asked, patting her back awaiting the answer I don't want to hear.

She nodded.

I bit my lip, not wanting to part ways if it came down to that.

"Would you leave me to have that out?"

She frowned and shook her head, shoving my shoulder lightly. "That's not an option because I promised you no matter how hard it gets, I'll stay with you. But I've had enough Taeyeon. I'm tired."

"It's over. I have a feeling it is. I'm out of prison and they didn't tell me the reason, Jonghyun's alive, and I have you back. It's getting better."

She tugged on my shirt and looked surprised. "Jonghyun's alive?"

I nodded and smiled, he's alive. "It's a long story, but I think a bit of story time between us wouldn't hurt, right?"

She shook her head and sighed. "Promise me whatever I tell you, you won't be angry, with anyone."

"Hm?"

"Heechul's . ." She started stuttering and couldn't even finish her sentence.

I cut her off with a kiss on the cheek, and she curled up all shy. "Later. I want to talk about you." I kissed her hand and brushed her fringe back. "If there is something that I can ask you to do for me, would you do it?"

She looked at away and looked down at her fumbling fingers before nodding slightly.

"Come with me to my cabin. I want to spend some time with you alone away from all this chaos. It'll only be two days, and if you decide then. . we can maybe really look into normalizing our lives. Even if it means a break. I won't hold it against you or try to win you over. It's up to you."

I gulped and continued, playing with her soft hand.

"I have one condition if you decide to go. I want you to enjoy the two days we'll be together like nothing had happened before. Drop everything that you have experienced the past couple of months, the bad and the worst. Anything that plagues you or makes you even the slightest bit upset, let it go for now."

"I want those two days with me to be nothing but good memories being made, you smiling and happy. That's all I really want from you."

"Will you spend 2 days of complete bliss with me?" I kissed the crown of her head, resting my chin waiting for her to just say yes to me.

She frowned. "Why does it sound like you're breaking up with me."

I chuckled and shook my head. "No, fuck no. Not after the hell we've been through. It's just 2 days of us being happy, no negative thoughts, just us being okay. You have to uphold this rule though, because on this trip I don't want us to be fighting and being upset or whatnot."

She didn't look convinced and I knew she had her doubts but I patted her arm and slid her off me. I got up but she pulled the back of my t-shirt roughly, the material stretching and I thought she was going to rip it off me. I turned back and met her uncertain eyes. "D-Don't go."

I held her hand and made her let go of my shirt. I gave her a reassuring smile and although still not bought she let me go.

She watched my movement as I sat back down on the bed across from her, placing the tin box in front of her. I opened the lid and the neatly stacked piles of blue notes seemed to be my glimmer of hope.

"You promised me that when it got bad, or when we have a fight, when you're thinking about leaving me . . to open these and read them."

Right now it's a mixture of all 3.

I slid the neat pile to her and she picked one up, fingers on the edges. Her fingers traced the outline of it before she opened it, taking the coin out and reading it.

Every movement of her eyes, every touch of her fingers tips and lips that moved slightly I caught it all. I could almost tell which days she was reading.

Which notes were joy, which notes were somber. I saw it all, I knew exactly what I wrote it all of them. She couldn't stop.

How long had it been, we wouldn't know. I sat in front of her, hoping that she'd remember this. Remember us, what was fought for and how we got to here. 87 Days.

She suddenly gasped, looked at me started crying, covering her mouth with a shaky hand and she placed the piece of paper down.

She didn't look up from her spot and she closed her eyes, tears flowing straight down from the corner and down her face.

"I'm not leaving you, not after all this time. I'm staying, for as long as you want me to be here." I said quietly. Her body shook, she held me tighter and I sighed.

I would be lying if I said it the sight didn't make me feel upset.

She muffled her sobs and shook her head, one of her hands crumpling up the paper.

I held her close to my chest, soothing her from her cries. I opened the palm and carefully took the wrinkly blue paper out, smoothening out and placing it neatly back in the box. My hands met the ring on the night table. I held her tighter. I promised.

Her lips trembled against my skin, and when it kept moving I glanced down to see her eyes meet mine. "I-I want to go with you, Taeyeon."