She kissed him like the ground was about to drop out from under them.
It was a rare moment of honesty; a rare lapse of judgment. But for just one minute, she had wanted to know what it would be like to stop pretending with him. For years she had pretended. Pretended that she didn't think about him sometimes while he was with Riley. Pretended that she didn't like him as more than friends when they were friends. Pretended that she didn't want him near her. That she didn't love him in every way possible.
For better or for worse, there was no use pretending that anymore.
Her kiss drove him back against the door, hands gripping the back of his head. She wasn't actually that good at kissing.
But Lucas didn't care. After he got over his utter shock, he started kissing her back, and he was a lot better at it than she was. He wound one arm around her waist, and the with his other arm other gently loosened her death grip on the his neck. Their kiss softened.
When they broke away, he rested his forehead against hers. "Talk to me," he said.
She couldn't. There was no way to explain all the conflict raging in her heart. I need to stay, I have to leave. I love you, I don't want to be with you. You mean the world to me, I mean to lose you. How could that come out without sounding insane?
It couldn't.
"I don't want to talk right now," she said, letting her gaze slid down his face to her lips.
He pulled her back in, kissing her so passionately that her knees almost stopped working. She put her hand on his chest and she could feel his heart beating fast and hard, like dance music. "Don't stop," she said.
He didn't.
Every second seemed to stretch into a minute, and every minute into an hour. They were infinite, and their problems and fears were infinitely small. But nothing was infinite, as Lucas had told Maya before. Not fear or problems or people.
The sound of the Friars downstairs broke infinity.
They looked at each other.
What now?
"Stay, please," Maya said. She didn't want to be alone. Not after feeling so acutely what it was to be not alone. Besides, her personal quest to protect Lucas was clearly crap. She wouldn't have kissed him if it wasn't.
"Alright," he said.
They sat on the floor. He sat behind her, and she rested her head on his chest.
"Do you remember when we met?" he asked.
"Not really," she said lazily. "That year is kind of just a haze of middle school embarrassment." She craned her head to the side to look at his face. "Everyone's embarrassment but mine, of course. I was pretty cool."
She could feel his laugh rippling through her entire body.
"If you don't remember, I was also pretty together," he said.
"I remember making fun of you," she said.
"You really don't remember how we met? At all?" He seemed slightly disappointed.
"Was it in Matthews' class?"
"Nope."
He reached for her hand, playing with her fingers while he talked. "We were on the train," he said. "You were with Riley. We looked at each other, and I smiled at you. I was reading some book that was on the reading list. And I thought you were beautiful, even though I had only ever described girls as cute before. Then you pushed Riley into my lap and you delayed the inevitable for a while. Why did you do that?"
Maya shrugged. "It made sense."
"Sure. I guess it did. But being in love isn't about making sense." He brought her hand to his heart, like he had the night her mom died. "This." His heart was still beating fast. "This is what's real. And reality makes sense, even if we don't understand it."