Disclaimer: I don't own them, I wish I did, but I don't. Go watch the show and thank the powers that be for a loveable series. Please don't sue me. I'm poor and have nothing better to do with my life.

Author's notes: Incoming truths, reveals and twists-a-plenty. Also cursing, regret, terrible formatting, questionable grammar, sloppy plot and confusing writing. It's also a bit of a monster in length so apologies, anything in italics is the previous night's events.

Exit between the Strands.

"You ready? This isn't going to pretty at all." B'Elanna, newly showered, quickly fed and somewhat warmer sits at the table in her quarters, avoiding eye contact with Tom and full of glee, something which unnerves me.

As much as I want to know about last night, I just want all this to be over, for everything to go back to normal, riding into another unknown adventure with Kathryn by my side. This might be one the one thing that isn't going to be sorted and wrapped up in a pretty bow by next week and I'm scared of what Drunk-Chakotay is capable of.

Tom and I exchange worried glances before residing ourselves to the fate of our binge-drinking stupidity, nodding in affirmation that we need to know.

As she starts to speak, the truth begins to peek out behind the glaring sun of our hangovers, I lose myself to the fear that all the secrets I've herded in my soul are spilling out regardless of my intense desire to have my world private away from the prying eyes of the crew.

The more Torres says, the more I begin to remember and the more I wish I hadn't woken up this morning.

The Previous Night

"Welcome back old man, starting to forget things in our old age, are we?" Torres answers the door with a smug grin, holding my Comm-badge like a trophy.

"You wait till you hit my age, see how much you remember." I smile and take the badge with a mutter of gratitude before turning to leave.

"Chakotay why don't you stay a bit longer, you're probably just going to be sitting alone in your quarters anyway." She smirks as she speaks, and a minor frustration runs through me.

"You don't know me." I mock, fact is, she does, probably better than anyone else on the ship and the fact she knew I would be brooding alone in the dark, fills me with a shame.

I'm pathetic.

"Come on Chuck, bring the cider back and stay a while!" Tom yells from within, raising an empty glass in the air.

Chuck!? Who the fuck is Chuck!? He's definitely been soaking in his drunken idiocy.

Maybe I should hang around, Gods knows I could use a night off of navel-gazing myself into oblivion, the company will do me good, besides what's the worst that could happen?

"Fine." I surrender, pinning my badge back into place and stepping into the room "But don't blame me when Paris is hungover and late for duty tomorrow" I joke.

A chorus of cheers erupt from my companions and we settle at the table once more with full glasses of cider.

"You shouldn't spend so much time alone Chakotay, it's not good for you." Torres says over her drink as she locks eyes with me.

Torres is right. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of saying that, I'm not particularly choosing to spend my time alone but at this point I can't spend my time with the person I want to, she's too busy behind her Captain persona to stop torturing us both into loneliness.

"B's right Chakotay..." Agrees Tom "You do too much of that darkly brooding... thing..." He trails off more interested in his glass of cider.

"I'm not trying to…" I insist, not completely believing my own lie, I don't particularly try to do anything else, misery loves company and boy does misery love me.

"Libby always liked the thoughtful quiet types." Interjects Harry to a sea of rolling eyes.

"Ahh fuck Libby!" Spits Tom, Harry's face widens with shock "All I ever hear is Libby, Libby, Libby and if it's not Libby, it's your mother and your clarinet." Tom drains the rest of his glass and grabs the bottle to refill as we all remain shocked into silence but the outburst. Poor Harry doesn't look like he knows what to say, Torres is both shocked and delighted if the twinkle in her eye is anything to go by.

"I cannot spend the next fifty years listening to you go on and on and on about them, move on Harry, life won't be waiting for you so don't wait for it." Reasons Tom, which softens Harry slightly enough to stop looking like a shocked trout but even I feel a bit sorry for him, it was a bit harsh, but he's got to let it all go eventually. The hypocrisy of my thoughts doesn't escape me, I know full well I'm holding on to things… and people… well one person… far longer than I should.

"I don't want to give up on what's got me through so far." The awkward silence that hangs after Harry speaks is uncomfortable.

Poor boy.

Tom's hit a sore spot in both of us. Harry wears his heart on the tunic of his uniform as though just showing it to the enemy will make them feel sorry for him and change their minds about killing him, he's an open book of emotions and insecurity that has yet to fully dull in the Delta quadrant, what is getting him through is the thought that he might be able to just pick up where he left off like nothing happened failing to provide himself with a backup plan when the inevitable opposite happens if we do ever get home.

The problem is, I am not an open book, at least I don't think I'm as obvious with my emotions as I fear I am, and they don't know what is festering in my soul, or rather who is driving me distraction daily and makes me question myself more than I ever have in my entire life. They don't know the demons that haunt me or the worries and fears that keep me awake and they certainly don't know the extent that Kathryn's claws have reached into me.

At least I hope not.

"It's not giving up Harry, it's living your life, no one would ever expect you to put your life on pause, sometimes it's better to be happy than to be regretful." Says Torres, her eyes locked on me for every word.

She knows.

Harry nods slowly and downs his drink in one while Tom pats him encouragingly on the back and refills his glass, the bottle is nearly empty, I should probably get another...

"Where's the secret stash Chakotay, we're running low" Tom gestures to the bottle as though he read my mind.

"I'm not telling you in a million years." I laugh. He'd drink the lot before daybreak given the chance.

"I'll go, I know where it is." Torres says as she rises. How the hell does she know where I hid it!? No one knows, or is she bluffing?

"Still in the cargo bay?" She whispers.

Well I'll be damned.

"Yes and I'd quite like to know how you know that." Does she have surveillance on me?

"You're an easy man to stalk when you've been drinking" Apparently yes, drunk surveillance. I don't drink often but I admit when I do, I make it count.

B'Elanna smiles and leaves to fetch the cider as an awkward silence once more falls on the remaining party.

For a few agonising minutes it remains silent until Tom finally sits forward, his red cheeks blooming with the effects of the drink and no doubt embarrassment at snapping at Harry.

"I didn't mean to upset you Harry." Apologises Tom. Harry has been sat with somewhat of a sullen face since Tom's little outburst. It was bound to happen at some point, it admittedly drives me nuts to hear Harry droning on at length sometimes about the same things over and over, but we all do it at one point or another, I just tend to walk off somewhere else when he gets going.

"It's okay, it's just… when you've not known a lot else… it's hard." Harry's voice trembles slightly and for one awful moment, I wonder if he's about to cry, instead he burps. Loudly.

"Charming." Scoffs Tom. "How about we don't go down the rabbit hole of depression and instead we enjoy ourselves. We put an end to the nefarious plans of Dr Chaotica and I feel we should celebrate."

"I think we should celebrate the fact you could say nefarious in the state you're in Tom" I say with a grin.

"Oh, I'm just getting started buddy." Tom claps his hands together as he speaks "I fully intend on not being able to pronounce my own name later." Harry hiccups in reply "Although it looks like Har's ahead of me already."

"To not being alone!" Harry yells suddenly and raises his empty glass.

"You usually need something to toast with Har." Tom points at his empty glass as he speaks.

As if by cosmic timing, Torres returns, more bottles of cider in her arms than I was willing to share but I don't want to be a buzz killer.

"Party on!" Tom yells and soon the glasses are refilled, the conversation begins flowing once more and Harry becomes drunker than I've ever seen.

"What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?" slurs Harry, who is already laughing in anticipation of the punchline he's yet to deliver while Torres rolls her eyes, the last few jokes he's delivered have been simply awful.

"A Chicken-sees-a-salad!" He starts laughing hysterically before turning a living shade of white and clapping a hand over his mouth.

"Bathroom Harry, go!" B'Elanna points towards the head and sighs deeply, for as drunk as we are, she is remarkably level-headed, she always has been able to drink most people under the table.

Harry staggers off towards the head while Tom drains his glass again, the guy can drink faster than he thinks.

"We should do something to cheer Harry up, set him up on a date or something." Torres suggestion is met with silence. "Or maybe you should wing-man with Harry." She looks at me as she talks and is rewarded with a chorus of snorted laughter. She looks at us confused "What? Why is that ridiculous? I know for a fact you'd both be far more popular with the ladies if you just step out of your comfort zone."

"They'd also both have more women to strike out with." Laughs Tom "They aren't exactly the smoothest duo." He pours more cider and smiles to himself.

"Says the man who had to kidnap the Captain in order to procreate." I snort, but even I know it sounded as bitter as I meant it.

"What can I say? Boldly going where no man… lizard… has gone before." Tom smiles to himself but I'm filled with a rage that makes me want to punch him in the head.

"Careful Tom." I warn "Otherwise my fist might boldly meet you in the face." I end the sentence with a snarl I wasn't intending.

"Hey, hey, hey! Calm down! There's enough testosterone for all of you." Torres gestures for us to simmer down, while the sound of Harry loudly retching fills the cabin.

"It's okay B, if he does hit me he'll have to explain why he's so concerned with the Captain's honour once and for all."

"Don't start with me Paris..." I start to rise out of my seat but B'Elanna pushes me back down with one hand.

"Sorry, my bad!" Tom raises is arms in mock surrender "We'll just carry on pretending we don't know he's in love with the Captain." He snorts and continues drinking while a red haze settles over my vision and my heart begins to thump out of my chest.

"You're way out of line Paris." The anger begins in rise in a heated fury, my palms are sweating and a slight tremble has overtaken my hands.

"Yes I am..." He happily admits "…I'm also right."

Well…. Fuck…

Then it happens.

I burst into full ugly crying face, sobbing and heaving behind my hands.

I can only imagine the faces of Torres and Paris right now, I'm desperately hiding behind my hands as though they can stem the flow of salty tears running down my face, hoping that perhaps there's a possibility I can pretend this didn't just happen and we can move on and never discuss this again.

Ever.

"Damn Chakotay, I didn't mean… I didn't intend… Oh man…" Tom lays a hand on my shoulder as he speaks, and surprisingly I don't push him away.

This is why I don't drink very often or in public, I venture to the maudlin side of myself too often as it is, alcohol only feeds its intensity. As long as I don't start talking about it… about her… I'll be fine.

"I've tried not to be, I just can't stop it." I sob between heaves.

Bollocks.

So much for not talking about her.

"The more I try to get her out of my head, the more she gets in there, doesn't matter what I do… Try sitting two feet from the person you love everyday knowing you can't have her." The sobs become more intense as I speak, and I am going to fully regret everything about this evening in the morning. This is becoming a nightmare. I have had actual nightmares about this happening, about finally admitting how I feel about Kathryn and worse, I'm doing it drunk, the one thing I swore I would never dishonour her by doing but I seem so good at dishonouring her.

"Who say's you can't be with her Chakotay?" Torre's ask as she rubs my back soothingly.

"She does…" I'm going to hate myself so much for this tomorrow. Not only have I admitted I have feelings, but that she is aware of them and has friend-zoned me into oblivion.

"What? She actually said that?" Torres looks shocked, as does Tom who is looking extremely awkward at the scene he ignited before him.

"Yes." I admit. "She feels it would distract her from her duties as Captain and that protocol doesn't really allow for a Captain to date her former-terrorist First-Officer."

"She's using protocol as an excuse?" Scoffs Torres, one hand going to her hip in aggravation, much like Kathryn does and that only fuels the sobbing with intensity. I nod in agreement through my tears and I know that if Kathryn knew this conversation has taken place, she would air-lock me before I had a chance to dry my face.

"That is bullshit." Torres concludes angrily. "There's been more than enough Captain's spreading their seed through the universe in Starfleet, why is Janeway the exception?"

"Look at who she is B'Elanna, a female Captain in a sea of men, she probably thinks that her peers and naysayers are expecting her to fail, for her to be less than professional with the crew, they're waiting for her to fail in any way, shape or form and she knows that, it would be ammunition for them. She doesn't want to arrive back having to explain not only the Marquis integration into the crew but throw in sleeping with the First-Officer who was the leader of said movement, she'd be screwed, she'd be in the cells next to ours. Not only that, she thinks she'd lose the respect of the crew and they'd think I'd be getting preferential treatment anytime something came up and admittedly she would probably would treat me different from the crew if we were together, so she doesn't want to make that an issue."

"They can't reprimand her for being human." Torres attempts to reason, but she is unaware that this is beyond reason and I have lost many hours of my life trying to deny that.

"She reprimands herself half the time." Tom hits the nail on the head with the first sensible thing I've ever heard him say. Torres agrees with a nod and fills our glasses once more to the sounds of my hiccupped sobbing and Harry's loud retching.

"I've tried to move on, I really have, but I can't… And as long as I serve aboard this ship and Kathryn's the Captain, I can't be with her, it kills me."

"Fuck protocol!" Tom spits "Fuck it!"

"Well that was helpful." B'Elanna rolls her eyes.

Tom shakes his head and begins to speak "Seriously, if I had a ration for every time protocol got in my way of doing something..."

"I'd be a king!" I chime in, finishing his sentence and before I realise it we're high-fiving. It's like the man is living in my head today, it's getting weird…

Harry had stumbled out of the head as we had talked, slouched and dragging like a zombie full of brains, a grey pallor residing on his face and a look of pure misery. He make's it close to the table, stops suddenly, raises a head as if to pause us, turns and pulls out the top drawer of Tom's unit and vomits.

"Good God man, have you no morals!" Tom says with a disgusted face as B'Elanna rises to go tend to Harry.

"You're paying for this Harry, I'm gonna need more antibacterial scrub that my rations can afford." B'Elanna says sternly.

"Soooooooooorrrry…" Comes the drunken apology "…I thought it would be better than the door… I mean floor…" Harry belches loudly and stumbles to the couch.

"Right, who's taking Ensign Light-Weight back to his quarters?" B'Elanna looks between Tom and I, both of us point to each other. "One of you will have to, I can't carry him all the way back and he's certainly not walking alone." She nods her head to a now snoring Harry, dribbling on the couch.

Tom and I narrow our gaze on each other and unprompted we both start a furious game of rock, paper, scissors, which I lose in spectacular fashion. While Tom celebrates with a shuffling dance towards B'Elanna, I force myself to stand and venture over to Harry who is now blowing spit bubbles in his slumber.

"Come of Harry, time to go to your own bed." I hoist him to his feet and wrap a stabilising arm around him and begin the slow stagger towards the door.

"Chakotay before you go…" Tom staggers over and through droopy eyes attempts to become serious. "… Don't let protocol be the reason you're not with her, think of them more like ignorable guidelines." He smiles.

If only I could.

"Seriously, the reason we knew is because a blind person could perceive the gazes you give each other when you think no ones looking, she doesn't smile like that with anyone else Chakotay, talk to her… And if all fails, mutiny, then she won't be the Captain and you can do what you like." He winks and salutes me out the door before returning to B'Elanna's arms.