A/N: There is a lot of back and forth with this. And that's how I want it. Because Kaiba and Jou never seem to be on the same page, so it's a good representation. And there is a method to my madness, I swear. It just...takes time...

Chapter 15.

All the while that Jou was sitting beside Mokuba, he wanted to talk about his feelings. He wanted to see how Mokuba felt in all of this, and he wanted to see if there were things that he was missing, things that were behind the scenes. But it was Mokuba. He couldn't force himself to say anything about it. They talked about everything else. Anything that wasn't about the awkward shape they were in. Anything that wasn't about the relationship that the three of them, in their own ways, were trying to salvage unsuccessfully.

After a while, Jou got tired of talking. He didn't want to suddenly burst out anything about the relationship, and he knew he had to find an outlet. He looked to Mokuba and told the boy that he would be going outside. That he had to make a phone call. Mokuba nodded and watched him leave.

Outside, it felt like he could breathe. He was so suffocated at the fear of his own thoughts. He sat on a bench just in front of the hospital, and he looked at his phone wondering who he could call. Immediately he began dialing, like he had not but a short time before, and he pressed the phone to his ear.

"Moshi moshi."

"Hey, Shizuka."

"Katsuya! How are you?"

"Okay, I guess." He leaned back in the seat, surveying the land around. There were cars passing by on the road, others pulling in or out. He looked over towards the main entrance, people coming and going. He wondered how many of them recognized him. He could see eyes that traveled, that look of someone looking back just because they had seen someone, but stopping and staring at Jou for a moment, trying to recollect where the face was familiar. He knew it wasn't Duel Monsters. No matter what kind of name or reputation he had in the field, it was completely overshadowed by the fact that he had been deemed Kaiba Seto's lover. Which was as great as it was awful.

"You want to talk about it?"

"I was hopin', if ya don' t mind so much," Jou said. "I jus need someone I can talk to."

"Oh…Katsuya…" Jou realized that there were three people he was confiding in: Mai, Yami, and Shizuka. All three of which he would have never imagined telling his personal matters, especially matters of a magnitude such as this, to them.

"I guess you've been seein' the tabloids and stuff."

"Yeah. Mom brought home a whole armload one day."

"I can only imagine what she's sayin', eh?" And he rolled his eyes. "Well, I jus wanted ta…talk about all of this. Cuz there's a lot goin' on that no one really understands and I don't really know who to talk to about it."

Shizuka was quiet a moment, her breathing the only thing apparent. Jou waited. "Go right ahead but can I just say something first?"

"A course."

"Kay. Well, remembered when we were talking the last time?"

"Yeah…that's kinda why I called. I figured you'd be gloatin' by now about how you were right and stuff."

"I would, but you're upset. I'm not going to do that…I just wanted to say that you still seem confused. I mean, I know you're confused, you said it, but you're more confused than you think you are. You still don't know if this is what you want."

"I guess I've always identified myself goin' both ways. I've had some…crushes…I ain't too proud of. But its…its Kaiba, ya know? And he's been a prick about it this whole time and…I've been a prick about it too. And now were at this kinda impasse and neither of us are really sure which was ta step."

"Why don't you tell me the whole story?" she asked.

Jou obliged, telling her all the little details, her listening and hardly asking questions. When he finished, she was silent. "It's been one helluva rollercoaster. First we both think we like each other, then I get pissed at him, he still likes me, I come back, I start bein' forgivin' and then I get pissed again. And he gets pissed. So we both hate each other again. And then…I don't know…he starts somethin' up again. Tries ta lure me in…like he's…"

"He's trying to start on the right foot. You think maybe he realizes what he's done is wrong and he's trying to apologize?"

"He's doing a shitty job. He thinks he doesn't have to say it. All he has ta do is give me crap. Like the number to his PR manager whatserface. But then, I feel weird when I'm not around him. Like I'm being sewn back together and it just ain't workin'."

"Katsuya…how about this? Do you love him? Yes or no."

Jou opened his mouth, and then closed it. "Shizuka, that ain't fair."

"Yes or no, Katsuya."

Jou clenched his teeth. "I…I don't know."

"But that isn't an answer. And love may be complicated Jou but…it's pretty black and white to. You either do or don't love someone, and the rest are just details."

"Heh…when did you get so smart?" He asked, somber. He kept thinking, but really, he didn't have to think very hard. All he had to think about was the feeling as he was trying to reconcile after what both and Kaiba had done. That lopsided, healing wound in his stomach. If Kaiba and he were the same as if nothing had happened, as if he had found nothing out about the trial and everything was fine between them…but that was the trouble; that was in the way.

Not to mention all the melodrama that had been going on between the hostage situation and the problems with Kaiba's healing leg.

"I…I love him. I do. I just, I find it hard to stay close because of the things we said and did," he answered truthfully. "We've both fucked up this relationship, and we know it. Trouble is, neither of us know how the hell to fix it. He's too smart, and I'm too dumb."

"Katsuya…"

"I mean in the love sense sis," he added. "He thinks he gets it, I know I don't. We don't know where ta go from here."

"Start over."

And just like that, Jou felt as if a wind had changed.

He looked back to the entrance of the hospital, the doors whirring open. He half expected to see Mokuba coming out to get him, but it was just faceless, nameless people that he didn't know. Still.

"How do I do that?"

"'Hey, I'm Jounouchi Katsuya. I think you're kinda cute. Want me to play naughty nurse?'"

"Shizuka!" he nearly choked upon hearing her words. "Where the heck did that come from?"

"Aw, c'mon. Admit you'd say something like that."

Jou rolled his eyes and relaxed against the bench again. "You need ta stop growin' up sis."

She laughed. "Where are you anyways? I hear a bunch of cars."

"I'm sitting outside a' the hospital, waitin'."

"He okay?" She knew. Jou didn't even let if faze him that she knew.

"He's tryin' ta help himself. Get somethin' in his ankle fixed so he can walk right."

"I hope he gets better. Will you tell him best wishes for me?"

Jou nodded. "A course. You gettin' off?"

"Unfortunately. I gotta get going. I'll talk to you soon though, won't I Katsuya?"

Jou nodded. "Yeah sis. You be careful."

"Bye." And he could hear her laughter as he hung up.

After that, Jou just sort of sat there, wondering what it was he could do to start over. He thought about how all of this began. He couldn't really "save" Kaiba again, not unless there was another perfectly placed disaster. And, despite how wrong it felt for him to think it, he would have been happy (for a few moments) for there to be some mishap; some mistake, or some kind of natural disaster where he could hold Kaiba's hand until everything was better. He wanted some of his rude comments and thoughtless words to go away.

But that was too hard—too impossible. He couldn't manufacture anything that might scare the living hell out of Kaiba so terribly. So he thought harder, and he looked back into the hospital with a mild grin on his face. He got up from his seat and went into the lobby, looking left and right, his hands jammed into his pockets. He fingered his wallet as he went into the gift shop, looking at all the flowers and plants precariously. Scanning thoroughly until he found what he was looking for.

Hours later he strode up to the recovery room, half his mind set on the fact that he knew Kaiba might not be best in condition. He did have a habit of throwing up after surgery. Mokuba was waiting by his brother's side, so Jou could see from the window. The guard gave a neat nod to him, moving to the side and letting him through. It was painfully déjà vu to happen. He clutched the plant in his hand, setting it on the bed side table waiting for Kaiba to get to grips from the anesthesia.

His leg was wrapped up and hung in traction, his toes once again playfully sticking out. Jou sat down beside Mokuba, smiling, the small pink plastic bowl in his hands. Mokuba was silent. He anxiously waited for his brother to come to consciousness. It seemed to be his only salvation; his hands clung around his brother's as if this simple procedure were going to be the death of the elder Kaiba.

Like anything so simple could kill him, Jou thought. But of course, the only thoughts that were in his head were standing in that OR and seeing as Kaiba's BP began to drop, his heart becoming weak and unstable. The anesthesia having some kind of adverse, allergic reaction. But he was still there, still breathing.

That was what Jou hated about being a nurse. All the little details. His thoughts continued to wander. What kind of complications could arise from something so simple? Maybe a blood vessel was cut and there was a lack of blood flow. Maybe a nerve had been nicked, furthering complications and use of his foot. Maybe something hadn't been reattached correctly?

But then, Kaiba had enlisted the help of some of the best surgeons to try and correct his problem.

Jou leaned back and pretended that none of that had entered his mind. He looked at Kaiba up and down, his eyes falling on Kaiba's face, watching as the muscles twitched awake and his eyes open to the ceiling, bleary.

"Awake finally," Jou said, though low enough that Kaiba couldn't hear him. The brunet looked over at his little brother, squeezing Mokuba's hand back gently.

"How are you feeling nii-sama?" Mokuba asked, his voice hushed.

Kaiba tried to garble up his voice, his eyes closing and his head turning in the opposite direction. He blinked away the anesthesia. "My leg…"he muttered.

"They made you better," Mokuba replied. Kaiba drew his hand away, his fingers twitching from Mokuba's touch. "Are you feeling okay? You look pale."

Jou reached forward, tentatively putting the back of his hand against Kaiba's cheek. "Mokuba stop…"

"Eh…he's a little feverish. Not too high. 'S pretty normal."

Kaiba blinked again, his eyes once again turning towards Mokuba. He looked beyond Mokuba and saw where Jou was leaned with his elbows on his knees, inspecting Kaiba. Those thoughts were coming back, and Jou was staring at Kaiba's leg with his eyes glazed as he considered all the little things. His toes twitched and his body tightened for a moment, relaxing again.

"…Jou…"

Jou got up and went to the end of the bed, picking up a pitcher and pouring it into a cup. Kaiba's eyes burned weakly, the blue orbs almost melting into the white. "Ya don't look so well," he said, and leaned against the side of the bed with Kaiba staring at him. "Can ya tell me how much pain you're in on a one to ten scale?"

"I'm fine."

"'Fine' ain't a number," Jou replied. "One to ten."

"Four."

As the seconds clicked by, Kaiba became a little more lucid. Jou pressed the cup to his lips and got him to swallow to try and unclog his throat. Kaiba seemed interested that Jou was there at all. At least, he was interested up until Mokuba said:

"I wanted him to be here."

Kaiba turned his attention to his little brother, his hand searching for the bed control, finally bringing himself up to a sitting position. Jou hovered like some kind of guard.

"Why?"

"Because you're being bullish about it." Mokuba was about as blunt and honest as Kaiba. "Because I want you to say you're sorry, and then I want him to say it too so you two can…kiss and make up…" Jou could just sense Mokuba about to say 'for lack of better terms'.

There were so many things that Kaiba could have said. So many paths that he could have followed. He was aware that Jou was in the room, which surprised Jou when he said: "I already apologized."

And Jou racked his brain. He realized that day, when he persuaded Jou to think without thinking of the 'ignorant things' that he had said. Jou produced that card from his pocket, something that he had yet to get rid of. That was Kaiba's peace treaty; his apology. And somewhere Jou had known that, but didn't entirely believe it. Kaiba was too proud to apologize.

"Moki…don't tax him too much. He's still wakin' up."

"Well, whether you did or not…you should do it again. Right."

"Moki…seriously. He's okay," Jou said. He didn't want to think so, but Mokuba was ruining his plan. "It's okay. It'll be fine."

"Jou, I'm trying to help."

"Yeah, well," he shrugged. He put his hand against Kaiba's and sat on the side of the bed. "So…I brought you somethin'. A nice little plant."

"They just smell up the place."

"No blooms. Not really ostentatious." Kaiba was drifting off again. "They're gonna probably come in later and try ta get ya up."

He nodded. "Did I not sound like I apologized?" Jou paused at the question. "Maybe I wasn't clear enough."

"No, no ya were just fine. Jus…fine. Don't think I wanna hear ya apologizin' all proper. Wouldn't sound right."

"I don't want to hear you apologize because you have no reason to." Now it was Mokuba's turn to be surprised. He saw the look that was captured on his brother's face. Maybe not fully enraptured, but it was something that was undeniably close as he stared at Jou from his position. He was all too comfortable with the nurse by him, his sometimes jitters fading into ease, his muscles melted against the bed sheets where he couldn't be more relaxed if they'd spiked his IV. "I really hope ya did this for the good of ya. I mean, I know ya did, but I mean that I hope it helps ya. Anyways…"he stood up, patting Kaiba's hand. "I gotta be goin' ta work, 'kay? I'll be back after my shift's over."

He nodded. "One last thing…"

"Yeah?"

Kaiba held out his hand. "Bowl."

Jou shook his head and grabbed the small bowl, handing it over to Kaiba. "Don't spew too far," he muttered. "And don't terrorize the staff."

Jou walked out calmly with a smile on his face. He felt like he had done good. Like they had finally gotten somewhere. Whether or not that it was the anesthesia and the drugs talking, Jou wasn't so sure, but it felt like there was something. Like they had finally gotten past their conundrum. Like they had both let down their walls and allowed their pride to get out of the way for them to end up being well and civil. Which was the biggest part of the problem, Jou knew. Kaiba had an infamous ego and, well, Jou was a man, just as any. If he didn't have pride, then he wasn't a man.

"Keep a tight hold, Kaiba-san. We're almost there."

"I can tell, stop pushing." But no one was pushing him. He wouldn't let anyone that close. He held tight to the handles of the walker, his pride still swallowed, and he pushed forward on his one good leg, the other dangling in the bandages. He kept looking down and behind his shoulder, his eyes following his leg where he could feel his knee hardly supporting anything below it. He shuddered to a stop, leaning almost completely over the walker so that his leg pushed back. A nurse came up to him. "Don't touch me," he warned even though his body was slipping back off the slick bars of the walker.

"Kaiba-san, you're going to fall," one said.

And before he could retort, he was on his back and looking up at the ceiling with his breath taken from him. He eased up on his elbows and looked to where his leg seemed almost detached from the angle it would turn. He shook his head and tried to pull himself up unsuccessfully. The two nurses aiding him reached forward to try and help him. He batted them away. "I'm fine! Don't touch me."

His ankle was hot and throbbing, but it would pass. He angled himself to be in a squat, his leg still out awkwardly. He grabbed the handles of the walker until he was back up. The entire way his locket was beating against his chest where it had fallen out of his robe.

When he was standing again, he paused in the middle of the hall and stared down it, his destination lightened at the end. He craned his neck back, his eyes towards the ceiling, and his fingers ran the length of the locket. He asked Mokuba not to watch as he attempted to use the walker (hated from the moments his hands touched it) and knew that otherwise his little brother would be present, helping him with shooing the nurses from such close proximity.

"It's a very nice locket," he heard one say. He turned in her direction, his fingers clutching tight around chain. "You don't look very well Kaiba-san. Is there something bothering you?"

And he went to say something. He even looked her straight in the eye, the words prepared but not yet falling from his tongue. And when they didn't, when his jaw seemed paralyzed, he turned away and wondered what had happened, but he let it go. He told himself to keep going, put his hands firmly on the walker and continue forward. And one hand was there, and his eyes were forward, but everything felt stuck. He wobbled and shook, but didn't move on will.

"Kaiba-san? Kaiba-san, can you answer me?"

She was touching his elbow. Just like the photographer. And his hand was still on the locket chain. He was confused, taken all of a sudden. The other nurse reached for hand, and he could feel something as it slid down the back of his neck. "Kaiba-san, stop it!" And he was looking at the nurse as she tried to pry his hand away from the chain of his locket. She reached her hands around his neck, fiddling with clasp, hoping to alleviate the tension.

He snapped.

The feeling of hands around his neck, the force tight. Tatsukiyo; Gozoburo; all of them. Kaiba tried to conjure Jou in his mind. Some kind of comfort. The only person that seemed to be overwhelming calming in his life. That could touch him without the torrent of memories flooding back like some kind of torpedo through his skull.

And the next thing he saw was the nurse terrified, pressed against the wall, her hands away from his neck but the feeling still there. "Kaiba-san, please calm down! It's alright!"

"I told you not to touch me," he seethed. "Are all of you that incompetent?"

At least his jaw didn't seem so paralyzed.

He tried to recalculate. Tried to regain his composure, his cool. Tried to suppress all of those memories and move forward like he always did. It was the past; everything was going to be okay. But it still hurt. It still felt like he was suffocating like some animal at the clutches of something larger.

And there was a pinch against his skin. He whirled around to look at the other nurse, not half as terrified, and he saw the syringe. Immediately the feelings bled of anger and hatred fell away. All there was seemed like blackness. He was still suffocating. The hands were still around his neck. And he didn't feel the comfort of the locket their either. It was still in the nurse's hand where she was pinned leaned against the wall.

"G-give it b-back…"he sputtered. He was held up in someone else's grasp.

And just before he fell completely to the darkness, he found himself thinking: What if Jou hadn't been in the crosswalk and he just died?

And he didn't know why he thought it.

A/N: The way Kaiba works is very fascinating, I like to think. And its hard for me to capture how everything with him would work, especially if there are such strong feelings involved.

Its easily proven throughout the series that, for Mokuba, he is willing to break his usual calculating self in the face of knowing that the emotions come first. And I think it would be the same with Jou. Hence the whole, 'I love you, I hate you'. Jou's like 'well, why the hell' and Kaiba's thinking is that 'it won't work, mathematically'. And he's trying to think 'well, if this isn't an equation'.

And, essentially, to him, his troubles are all stemming from the crash. Tatsukiyo caused it, Jou saved him. Tatsukiyo brought up bad feelings at a time when he's trying to be loving and compassionate.

It's an explosion.

For some reason, I feel obligated to explain my chickenscratch logic because of how human beings are. And I'm thinking with Kaiba it's like 'I'm okay, I'm okay' I'm okay' keeping everything settled and pushing through all of this like it can just go into the past. But you keep bombarding something, eventually its going to break, and finally he has.

I hope I make some sense, I hope you guys don't feel like I'm trying to make up all this stuff to make it really bad. I'm just following how I originally set it out, and I how I think it would work.

So...enough of me blathering. Till next time, KenSan out.