(Urgh…I really don't like this chapter. I mean, I don't like this fic in general, but this one really gets under my skin…just…just read on and you'll see why. )
AN SORRY IT WAS TAKIN SOO LONG FOR ME TO UPDATE BUT HERES THE BIGGEST CHAPPER YET! (The joke here is, she's actually right!)
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER ATE (NOM NOM NOM, DAT VAS DELISHUS!): TIME FOR ADVENTURE (As opposed to Adventure time.)
The time mashine squirted (Eww.) me out into the past an I looked round. I cold see a girl in a jumpsuit like mean (A mean girl? Odd, Chell never looked mean, I think.) doin tests bu she was much less hot an pretty (MUST REMAIN DOMINANT. SUE MUST ASSERT HER DOMINANCE AT ALL TIMES.) so it must've been past Chell. "OH GURGS!" I yelled in sad, (Gurgs? I… I don't even know about that one.) Chell didt do tests becos she was booty quakin (Which implies she was brain damaged BEFORE Marissa came along. PLOT HOLE #1) so I must've goned to far back to Portal 1! (Also, why is Marissa aware that the world she lives in is a video game.) But the time mashine hadnt been invention yet (But, you just came through one, so shouldn't you be able to use it to return? PLOT HOLE #2) so I had to find a nother way. "YUO ARE NOT PART OF TESTS PREPAIR TO DI!" GLaDOS said (Nice to see she was just as hammy back then too.) at me but I still had my portal gon (Apparently, not like any focus was given to it beforehand.) an powers. I charged my powers into the portal gun wich made it glow an electric stuff round it. I fried it an the portal wasnt a normal portal but a blak hole! (Ugh…I just…UGH!) Chell wasnt brane damage yet so she was smart an got away (Even though you just showed her "booty quakin'" so clearly she is. PLOT HOLE #3)bu the GLadOS camra wasnt lucky an got sucked in. (Uh… so it was just the camera? Why use the black hole then? Just portal is off the wall and it'll break. Come on, this is overkill.) I lolled at dead GLaDOS camera (Hah! Stupid dead camera! I'm sure this won't make GLaDOS angry at all! Hah!) an went to find some thing that could make me future. (Me Tarzan, you future. Let learn how speak properly.)
I saw sum rbots doin tests in a diffrant room (Pretty sure test robots hadn't been made yet…) an they looked kin a familiar. "Hi my name is Atlas an this is P-Boy (NO! It's explicitly stated those tow didn't exist until Portal 2. PLOT HOLE #4!) (he changes his name to P-Body later thats why hes P-Boy in the first few chapters) (Why not just go back and revise the name altogether you lazy arse?) . " P-Doy (Doy hoy hoy, derp dee dooo.) waved nice at me I realised these must be prototip Atlas an P-Body from befour they were jerks! (Gee, I wonder if something she does here will turn them into jerks. It's just soooo mysterious.) "My name is Marrissa Roberts an Im lookin for a time mashine to get me BACK FO THE FURTURE lol." (*headwall*) Atlas an P-Boyd didnt understan becos this was the past an Back to the Future wasnt invented yet. (Uh…not sure if I can really debate this point. I don't know exactly when Portal takes place, but considering the tech, chances are it exists before 1985. Really, the better explanation would be these two have never seen the film due to being in the facility. If their very existence wasn't a PLOT HOLE.) "GLaDS didt make a time mashine yet (Yet? So GLaDOS made the time machine? WHY?! What use would a stationary robot have for a time machine?!) bu you can sleep in the relax hotel (The stasis rooms? They're not a damn hotel, you need someone to turn on the stasis from outside, like Rattman did for Chell.) for some years or somefin." P-Boy said an I went there. Little did I no I had assidentaly left some drugs an beer from Wheatly body (Why was she carrying those around? And how?! The jumpsuit doesn't have pockets!) in the room an Atlas an Pboy saw them an smoked them an became jerks! (Called it. So Marissa created Tweedlearse and Tweedlehole. Good job.)
Usin' a portal I got to relax hotel in notime (Why is it in this fic, the portals just lead the user wherever they want? She doesn't even know where it is in the facility, and god knows how many test chambers and back rooms she'd have to go through just to find the damn thing. PLOT HOLE #5!)there was a lot of sleepin guys an a robot ball lookin at them. My heart droped in happy. "WHEATLY!" I screemed ayn rand towards him. (He won't recognise you in the past you fucking moron ) Wheetly looked ta me an said "Bloody hell yur the most butiful girl Ive ever wankin seen!" (Aaaand he's already head over heels for her. What a surprise.) This must been when Wheatly an I first met! (So you don't even remember it yourself? Weird…) "OMG How do you no my name an woo are you?" He asked too. (Which he says right after being hugged by some random chick. That'd be my first question, personally.)
"Im Marrissa an I no yur name becos... I guessed lucky?" (Well its THIS fic so I'm sure he'll fall for it.) I didt want to let Whatly no I was from the future or Id mess up the time streem. (She's thinking about that now, after she's come back to create a time paradox?) "Do you no how I can get to the future?" Wheatly thot on my question. (What makes her think he'll know, when the robots didn't?) "Sorry I can think becos yur so hot an pretty I get distracted." (SUE DOMINANCE. SUE DOMINANCE!) I lolled at the compliment an gave him a kiss. "I AM IN LOFE WITH YOU!" (Why? What makes her fall in love with the damn robot?!) An I smelled at him. (That must look weird, just sniffing at him lots.) "Wheatly yur such a charmer I love you toe." (Yup, that sure is charm. "Can't think, too pretty.") Wheatly o-mouthed (Back again to ruin my day ;-;) an WE STARTED TO MAK OUT! (How? Wheatley has no mouth. Is she just kissing his eye…heh, that's actually kinda funny.) An you pervs out there Im not riting what happened next! =P (Oh you tease. I was so looking forward to retching at the no doubt horrible porn you'd write out for a woman and a robot. Either that or she's using it to step over the plothole of how robot ball and human sex would work.)
After Wheatly an are "private time" (winkwink) (HINT HINT. NUDGE NUDGE. HAVE WE MADE IT CLEAR WHAT THEY WERE DOING YET?!) Wheatly say "Ill put you in this bed an you can sleep till the future my lopve." I thot to myself how cold I have ever gotted a better guy than Wheet. (By going out with an actual person?) The it happened! (The IT? Steven King's IT? )The wall falled away an GLaDOS was lookin at me. "MARRISSA ROBERTS I NO WHO YOU ARE AN THAT YUR FROM THE FUTURE!" (Uh…how?) Wheatly got shocked but I telled him "No Wheatly shes a lier!" Wheatly got mad an said "GLADOS IM NOT SCARRED OF YOU NO MORE I GOT THE POWER OF LOVE!" So she punce Wheatly a way. (lol fail.) "NOW YOU WILL DIE FOR KILLIN IN THE FUTURE!" (Again, how does she know?!) GLaDOS turned on here nerotksin.
"Did you forgot Im immune to nerotoksin lol?" (She SHOULDN'T know because this is PAST GLaDOS. You know, the one that's never met you before?!) GLaDOS had a "Dude WTF" look on her feces. (I'm going to go hurl now.) Then got smart a gain an said "Oh yeah yur powers well I no were they came from an how to stop them." (HOW?! ANSWER MY QUESTION DAMNIT!) Then some thign happened. (Pointless sentences again.) I got all glowy an electic my powers were strongar then ever. (FOR NOOOOO REASON.) "No, imposable!" (Imposable: to lay on or set as something to be borne, endured, obeyed, fulfilled, paid, etc.: to impose taxes.) GLaDOS scrammed an I said "DIE B****!" An shooted my powers but it wasnt rite power. (How does one make a mistake like that?) Instead ano black hole opened an I was sucked (More like YOU suck. Dirty nymph.) "LOL you are died!" (NOT BIG SURPRISE.) GLaDOS boated an started doin more tests on Chell. Then the black hole got all black insid an I blacked out. (Is it black in there? I can't tell. Also, you should be dead since anything inside a black hole gets compressed into nothingness.)
When I awaked I was in a crass room (How can a room be rude to you?) an there was students ever where with "WTF" looks on their feces. (…sorry, gotta go hurl again.) A guy got up an he looked realy familiar like I seed him befour. (Gee, I wonder.) "Hi my name is Gabe Jonson (Way to casually introduce yourself to someone who randomly appeared before you Gabe.) an this is my girlfrend Karolin." He ponted at a hot gurl that looked kinna like GLaDOS if she was person. (…and now I can't get all those DA pictures of human GLaDOS out of my head.) "Who you?" She asked kinna jelous bcos I was touchin her boyfrend. (Uh, how? You were only talking to him.) "Uh... Im Marrissa Roberts im a new xchange student." (In reality, no-one would buy this bullshit due to her spontaneous appearing. But in the magical world of fanfic land!) I was tootaly wiered out becos I didt no where I was. Then it clacked. Gabe Jonson... Karlion... I more deeper in tim to the PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL! ( *facepalm* I hate these kinds of storylines. The whole "canon characters in high school" Shtick. It gets old fast because of just how implausible it is.) "My hose blowed up (Oh god, now how will you water the garden?) cold I stay with wonna you?" An Karlin said "OK (Ok random stranger, you can come stay with me!) we can be lick sisters!" (Lick sisters? Sounds like a Yuri waiting to happen…)We wents to Karlins becos we were too cool for school (So they skipped class? Marissa, forever a role model.) which was nice an pink an the guy from Leave it Beaber was next door. (Don't know who that is, so here's me pretending to be a cat. MEOW.)
"Welcome to my commode!" (I think you mean "abode" or "accommodation.) Karoline yelled with pride at her room. (4 nu raisin.) There was a doble bed an a hairdresser an a toilet an closet with huge cloths. (Is she calling Karolin/Caroline fat?) "Ill leave you gurls alone lol." Gabe Jonson said an left to do mainly things. (Mainly things? As opposed to slightly things?) Karolen an I satted her bed an talked bout cute boys an muisic an stuff. (Thankfully the author decided not to waste our time with that crap.) "How about Justin Beaver isnt he teh hostess?" (Beaver indeed…) Karlin looked at me funny. "JUSTIN BABER ISNT INVENTED YET ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?" (Man, Karolin sure knows her future history.) I o-mouthed (HNGH) an said "OH S***!" Then I locked door an covere windos. "Promise you wont tell no none." (It's raping time.) An Karolin pinky sweated with me. "Alrite Im from the future an Im yur boyfrends dotter an I think yur my mom!" (Marissa sure knows how to break sensitive news to people.) Karolin o-mouthed I thot from the revlation but then I looked an saw she o-mouthed (TWICE IN A PARAGRAPH, I CAN'T TAKE IT.) becos som eone jumped out an...
TO BE CONTINUED! (She must think leaving us on cliffhangers is clever. It would be, if the cliff-hangers were actually suspenseful!)
WHOS JUMP OUT? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ITS MY LIFE!
(Yep, I remember now. The whole "high school" bit which is introduced for no reason. She could've just gone back to before Portal 1 to when Cave/Gabe ran the place, but no, it has to be highschool. Join us next time on a not as rage filling chapter.)