(This chapter's nonsensical logic and pathetic attempt at crossover and backstory make me rage so hard...so look forward to that.)
AN THIS WILL BE THE CHAPTER WITH ALL THE BIG REVLATIONS! (Spoiler alert, it's one revalation, and its fucking stupid.)
PS P-BODY IS A GILR? THANKS FOR TEH INFO ILL WORK THAT INTO THE STORY! (Redoing chapters is for dummies.)
PPS OF CORSE GABE JONSON IS DEAD (The future one anyway.) THATS WHY MARRISSA FOUND HIM IN ARDOID HELL DUH! (Again, he's not an android, so why would he be in Android hell?) ALSO WHOS CAVE JONSON IS HE LICK GABES EVIL TWIN (No, he's the ACTUAL head of Aperture science before you got it deliberately mixed up.) THATS A GOOD PLOT IDEA! (Oh god no…)
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER NINE: PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL AN A REVALATION! (We were introduced to the "high school" bit last chapter, and there's no real "revelation" in this one either. So really, this chapter has no name.)
I turnsed round an saw that it was... WHEATLY! (…how?) "Marrissa Im soo glad I found you! The black bloody hole sodding sucked me in too!" (Oh. Also, how did he get into Karolin's house, let alone find out Marissa was going to be there?) I gloped (Uh…please tell me that isn't meant to be "groped.") Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ) (Betting she misspells it later in the chapter.) was all "OMFG". Wheatly locked at Carline (Called it.) an said "Who the bloody hell is this ugly bugger?" Becos she wasnt a pretty an hot as me (Sue needs to remain dominant even over her own mother.) an Wheetly wasnt used to seein other humans. (Even though he was working in a place supposedly full, according to last chapter anyway.)
"I better explain all this stuff this is my boyfrend Wheatly (Any normal person would question why a robot ball is talking. Not this fic though.) the robot-ball (I cant rember was GLaDOS called him an it was meen an stupid any way) (A bit like this fic to our intelligence then.) we're from the future where yur an we need to get back to then." (Notice how Marissa forgot her original objective of stopping herself at all.) I gave Carolion (Rawr! Also, knew she wouldnt.) the down-lo. "Ok but I am ony a junor in Portal High School so im not smart enuff yet to build a time mashine. (I love how she takes all this in so casually. No problem at all. Even making a time machine flies over her head.) But I no some guys hoo can." Then Cabe Jonson came in the room. (FUCK, THAT'S DISGUSTING.)
"I herd every thing! (Let me just announce I was spying on you!) We must wate for toromow then go to school an time mashine you too." (Because doing it at school is far easier than staying at home and doing it!) So Gabe Jonson went home an me an Caroline an Wheatly all sleeped in her big doble bed (Awwww.) but we didnt do no thing gross lick that ok! (And you just ruined it. Top notch work author.) The next mornin we woke up an readied for school. "Marrissa how can I school (How I good grammar and spelling.) when im a bloody roboball?" Caroline smied an said "Dont worry I can pretend yur my sience fare project." (Well ain't that a cliche. Good thing there's a convienient science fair on. In fact, good thing teenagers can make a time machine at all.) We got Portal High School in Carlines car (You know, if they're in highschool, she's got to be between 10-16. So she's way too young to be driving.) which as a cool ferrari. (Let alone buy a fucking ferrarri.) Are long hare was blowin in the breeze an we were signing pop sungs like "Party in the USA" an "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" (So Miley Cyrus exists in this past, but Back to the future doesn't? Why not just throw in "Friday." while you're at it!?) an Wheatly sang to but didt no the words. (Pay attention to that, because it's very important.)
When we gotted to Portal High there was a lot of guys starin at me becos I was the new girl an more hot an pretty than the others. (Sue's must remain dominant, even over nonexist characters.) "Sorry duds Im takin =D" (What, does she suddenly just say equals dee?) I waved cool an struted my stuff (Strutting, even when she's taken. What a fucking whore.) with Carlion. "When do we meet the time mashine?" (Once you read the rest of this chapter, you will get why this sentence made me retch.) I asked to Caraline an she said "Gabe said his frends will meet us a lunch we have to class until then." Are first class was jim (Who would take a class where you study a single person?) (Caroline hacked the net work so all are classes were the same). (If she can do that, why not hack Gabe's schedule so he has no classes and just get it done then?)
Affer we got in are jim close (Jim closed? Damn, I wanted to learn about him.) some guys were starin at me an hootin an lookin at my bobs so I yelled "YOU PERVEARTS!" (How DARE you look at me when i'm not showing off! Even though I was "struttin'" earlier, it's still rude! UGH!) An they ran away becos they saw me 'angry face'. (So they ran away and out of class? Yeesh, does she take on the face of Freddy Kruegar?) "OMG!" Caroline OMGed (We've officially sunk lower than O-mouthed.) "Look at the noo mascots there soo coot!" (Elongating O's is cool!) I looked at them an saw... "Carline those not mascots there... ATLAS AN P-BOY!" (What a fucking suprise.) Altas an P-Boy saw mee an P-Boy "MY NAME IS P-BODY NOW BECOS IM ACTUALLYA GIRL!" (Hm...you know, that actually makes me think. In chapter 1, P-Body/Boy was staring at Marissa's boobs/bobs. So, doesn't that technically make her a lesbian?) P-Body yelled loud at me. I o-mouthed (AGH) an Caroline went all "Dude WTF?" a gain. (Again? She OMGed, at least keep your stupid leet words to yourself.)
"Give us more drugs an beer or well shoot you an yur frend!" (Drugs and beer are not exlusive to Marissa, fucking morons.) Atlas goaded an taked out a guns. (The author's lack of basic grammar never ceases to amaze me.) Caroline was a scarred (I would be too if I were in this fic.) an shakin while I jus held Wheatly reel tite but he didt say no thing becos he was pretendin to be a sience fare project. (Why is Wheatley always left with pointless details in this chapter?) "OH NO YOU DONT!" A big fat kid russianed (YEUGH! And i thought O-mouthed was bad...) at Atlas an P-Body an landed on them like squish! (I'm almost certain this bit is making fun of fat people.) He goot up an brush robot parts of off him (I give it 1, 2 chapters tops before they're back.) an went to shack my hand.
"My name is Russian name so pepole just call me Heevy cos Im reel fat LOL!" (HAH! THATS EVEN FUNNIER THAN YOUR RANDOM REFERENCES.) Heavy russianed (The intercontinenal pain!) to me while I was shackin his hand. "You got heer just in time." Caroline lolled. The Heavy guy (Now I seriously think she's taking the piss...) ponted to the left an there were some other guys. "These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer (Oh fucking fantastic, we're getting her piece o' crap teen fortress 2 fic involved.) were seinors so we can smart enuff to build time mashine (Oh yeah, all seniors are smart enough to build time machines. It's common knowledge.) for you." The Ingineer got up to me. (As opposed to an Outgineer?) "Well little lady I herd you need a time mashine builted. Well Im a seinor an I passed my time mashine exam (...as stupid as that concept is, it should exist.) so I can help!" He started buildin the time mashine when Gabe Jonson came in. (Again, Gabe could've just asked him round and saved them all this trouble.)
"Well I guess this is goodbye my dotter." He cried a little an gave me hug an I hug back. "Ill miss you to Marrissa Robertsyur the best dotter I didt have yet." (God that sentence sounds stupid.) Caroline was cryin so I gave her hug too. The Ingineer gotted up an said "THE MASHINE IS COMPLEET!" (I'd argue that a time machine can't be built from scratch that quickly, but considering the engineer's other buildings and this fic's lack of logic, i'm not gonna argue.) Befour I cold go in the Ingineer stoped me an took out a big nettle. (Nettle. I'm gonna interpret that as kettle.) "Also I made a injecshun (Aww, spoil my fun.) that will give you speshal powers." (Because being good with machines means you're also good with chemicals.) I lolled an said "I already have them becos this is the past this must be how I got them in the first place." (Worst power origin story ever.) The Ingineer thot a min an said. "Okay Ill put them in Caroline so when she babys you (Instantly knowing who her mother is.) then you have them to not mess up the time streem." He put the nettle in Caroline (And so she began heating water. I want it to be kettle damnit ;-;) an electric happened all over her (Get injected = instant electrical reaction.) an I felt even MORE POWER FULL. (That makes no fucking sense.) I grabed Wheatly an got ready to go in the mashine when...
MEANWHILE IN THYE FUTURE! (This entire point could've been revealed in a plot twist in a later chapter and actually be interesting.)
Back in the future Chell was still tryin a booty quake but no thing jigglewiggle. (Because the author still thinks that's funny.) "Hey you over there come heer!" A voice said an Chell went to it. (DERP DE DOOOO) It was GLaDOS head not died affer all! (Wow, what a fucking surprise, I never would've guessed!) "I can be yur new booty!" So Chell piced up GLADS an put where butt was there. (...no...this...really can't be happening.) GLaDOS started to LOL all evil an wiers came out of her (Because GLaDOS can do that now. Guess she somehow got Marissa's "new powers as the plot demands it" syndrome.) an into Chell so she was transform just like GLaDOS planed... (So...GLaDOS planned to turn Marissa into a goth, so she'd kill her and go back in time to save Wheatley, so she could merge with Chell? GLaDOS could've just done that ANYWAY, THIS MAKES NO SENSE! NOOOO SEEEEENSE!)
TO BE CONTINUED!
OH NO CHELL AN GLADOS IS FUSED TO CHELLGADOS! (Inspired name is inspired.) HOW CAN MARRISSA STOP HER NOW (The same way she does with everything else.) AN CAN SHE EVEN GET BACK OR IS SOME THING GOIN DOWN AT PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL? (Well there must be, or you wouldn't leave a fucking cliffhanger there.) FIND OUT NEXT TIEM!
(Well that was fun, wasn't it? No? Well get used to it, we got 7 more chapters of this shit.)