Josie and the Pussycats - Battle of the Bands
Chapter 3
Alexandra and Melody stood in line to enter "the Box," a popular club in downtown Midvale. This was one of the venues that Josie and the Pussycats had started their career at and really established their selves as performers. It was also the venue tonight for the first concert of a new line-up of Josie and the Pussycats, one that did not include their original drummer, Melody Jones.
No longer being in the band, Melody was dressed in street clothes as opposed to her pussycat stage costume. Her outfit included a tiny yellow mini-skirt and a low-cut pink top that showed off a good amount of her round cleavage. Said mini-skirt and top had caused a traffic accident only minutes earlier by distracting a driver that proceeded to run directly into oncoming traffic. Due to being mesmerized by the curvy blonde in her very revealing clothing on the sidewalk outside the club, he had never seen the light in front of him turn red.
Alexandra's less curvy, although still quite alluring, frame was covered by more clothing including tight black pants and a frilly violet blouse. She was uncomfortably distracted by the scene of vehicular carnage on the street in front of them as the line they were in for the Josie and the Pussycats show slowly inched forward.
Melody, on the other hand, seemed completely oblivious to the car crash and was instead staring at the single file line of concert goers that stood in front of them. There was something strange about them. They did not resemble the Pussycats' usual clientele at all.
Finally, the two women reached the end of the line. After showing their tickets on Alexandra's smart phone app to the brutish looking bouncer, they were allowed inside.
Much like the name, the club was in a very large rectangular box shaped room with a simple stage at one end of the space and a bar on the side. The club was quite packed. Alexandra directed Melody to a back corner of the room where they would be least likely to be noticed, and they squeezed their way through the crowd to that spot.
Alexandra then opened up her purse and extracted a small remote control shaped device. "Remember, you stay next to me at all times, Melody. If Josie comes near you, I'm going to use this." She pressed the trigger of the stun gun, and a bolt of electricity traveled between the two electrodes at the end of the device.
Melody shook her cute head up and down. "I feel safe with you, Alexandra." She then grabbed Alexandra's arm and held onto it like a shy child would with her parent when confronted with strangers. Alexandra blushed and smirked. Although the situation had been unfortunate, having the attractive blonde depend on her was a really good feeling for Alexandra.
Alexandra was also feeling a bit smug because she was convinced that she would finally see her hated rival fail. The tickets for this performance had been put up for sale suddenly. Josie had decided to interrupt the planned European tour to hold a concert in the band's hometown to introduce their new drummer.
It was obvious Josie had done this to twist the knife more into Melody, but Alexandra was convinced that the night would turn out to be a disaster for the drug addled redhead. She wanted the satisfaction of her and Melody witnessing this failure first hand. She wanted to savor it in person like an expensive glass of vintage wine. At least that would give her some modicum of revenge for everything Josie had done to her and her girlfriend. She was finally going to win, and she could almost taste it.
Melody was smiling as she usually did as she continued gripping Alexandra's arm, but when Alexandra looked at the blonde, she could sense she was a bit tense under her friendly bubbly exterior. "Don't worry, Melody. This show is going to be a disaster with your hometown fans. It's going to ruin Josie, and after that, she'll be forced into rehab and you'll be let back into the band."
"I guess we'll see," Melody chirped. "I've never watched our show as part of the audience. This is kind of fun. But these don't look like our fans."
Alexandra glanced around the large crowded room from their position in the back. There were a lot of people, but something was certainly off. For one, everyone seemed to have hair dyed a really bright color. A good portion of the concert goers had lime green hair, pink hair, blue hair or a bright shade of red that certainly was nowhere approaching natural hair color. It was a jarring sight.
"It's like one of my animes except everyone is really ugly," Melody remarked.
"Yeah, I see what you mean, Melody. There's something really strange about this." Suddenly the answer dawned on her, and Alexandra frowned. She then addressed the overweight blue haired woman next to them. "Hey, umm… do you have a Tumblr account?"
She almost hopped up and down with joy. Almost, that is. She was pretty large of course. "Yeah, I run Unicorns Against the Cis Patriarchy. Are you a fellow social justice warrior?"
"Uh, no, I'm uhhh… social justice ninja."
The Smurf haired woman burst into loud laughter, causing her multiple chins to jiggle up and down. "That's so funny! That should be a new meme! I'll go post that right now!" She then pulled out her smart phone and began typing a Tumblr post about being a social justice ninja.
"Hey, do you recognize me?" Melody asked her, waving at her in a friendly manner.
The woman squinted her eyes. "No, are you on Tumblr too?"
Alexandra gritted her teeth a bit. She was suddenly feeling a familiar rage coursing through her veins. Melody showed no signs of displeasure at the answer. "How long have you been a fan of Josie and the Pussycats?" Alexandra asked her, trying to restrain herself from pulling out the stun gun and using it on her fat gullet.
"Oh since four days ago!" That was when Josie's Tumblr post about replacing Melody with a potato had gone viral. "I'm super psyched they fired that cis-hetero bimbo, Melody! Her internalized misogyny was such a bad role model for girls!"
Both of Alexandra's hands were now balled into fists. It took all her will power to not land a right hook on the Tumblr user's fat ugly face. "I hear they're giving away free pizza at the bar," Alexandra managed to mutter out.
Even though the woman was quite large, she made like Speedy Gonzales towards the bar. "Yay, free pizza!" Melody cheered as she tried to run after her. She was tugged back when Alexandra grabbed a hold of her arm.
"There's no free pizza, Melody. I lied to get that person away from us."
Melody gave Alexandra a puppy dog like pout. "Can we get pizza later?"
"Yup. All the pizza you want."
"With pineapples and anchovies?"
"Extra anchovies."
"Yay!" Melody hugged her girlfriend tight. She stopped squeezing her when the opening band, Linkin Park, stepped out on stage.
Soon, the Box was filled with the screeching noise of, "Crawwwwwwwwwling in my skiiiiiiin! These wounds, they will not heeeeeaaaaaaaaal!" being "sung" by some jackass named Chester.
"I always hated this band. Figures they have to open for a drug addict now," Alexandra mumbled.
Finally, sometime later, the 40 year olds still performing songs about teen angst left the stage. Alexandra then frowned as she watched Alexander Cabot the Second, her brother, slowly and pathetically drag all of Josie and the Pussycats' instruments on stage. He no longer had the muscle bound Alan M. to depend on, and it showed.
After about 15 minutes of Alexander slowly dragging what was previously Melody's drum riser and drum kit on stage, Josie in full costume suddenly appeared from behind the curtains and rushed towards the mic. "Hey, Midvale, I'm glad you're all inside my Box again!" The crowd of Tumblr users erupted into loud cheers.
Reluctantly, Valerie entered through the curtains behind Josie. She was already frowning, seemingly unhappy about the situation. "Yay, diversity!" one of the Tumblr users cheered. The entire crowd, save for Alexandra and Melody in the back, then broke into a chant of, "Diversity! Diversity! Diversity! Diversity!" Valerie scowled back at the crowd harshly.
Josie then reached into her cleavage and pulled out a little plastic baggy. In the baggy was a small sheet of interconnected tabs. She ripped off one tab and then placed it into her mouth under her tongue.
"Josie, don't drop acid on stage!" Valerie screamed at her. The crowd didn't share Valerie's concern and cheered her actions instead. "Alex!" Valerie yelled for help. Alexander then appeared again from the back stage, and he and Valerie forcibly pulled Josie back behind the curtains.
A significant amount of time passed. Despite the fact it had been almost 30 minutes since Josie and Valerie had disappeared, the crowd didn't seem to mind at all and maintained their previous level of enthusiasm unimpeded. The fact that no one in the crowd seemed to care about this shocking display of unprofessionalism was absolutely maddening to Alexandra.
Finally, Josie stuck her cat ear wearing head out through the curtains again, and the crowd again cheered at her reemergence. Her eyes had a glossed over look to them. She was staring in the direction of the audience, but it was almost like she was staring past them to some mystical land only she could see. She then stumbled out onto stage. Valerie followed behind her, looking absolutely infuriated. Valerie's pussycat costume also had several large rips in it. It was obvious she had just been in a fight.
Josie then stumbled towards the microphone and grabbed it, almost toppling over in the process. She then stood up straight and began speaking into the mic, "The drug extends life. The drug expands consciousness. The drug is vital to space travel. The spacing guild and its navigators, who the drug has mutated over 4,000 years, use the orange drug gas which gives them the ability to fold space. That is travel to any part of the universe without moving."
The crowd continued cheering, despite not having a clue what she was talking about. They then clapped when she was finally done talking like she had given some profound speech akin to the Gettysburg Address. Valerie's jaw was wide open in shock as she stared at her band mate like she was an alien from another world.
"Alexander Cabot the 3,047th, please bring out our new drummer, the potato." Alexander, now with one lens broken on his very expensive sunglasses, came out from behind the curtain holding a big brown Idaho potato in his hand. The crowd cheered when they saw the vegetable.
Alexandra darted her eyes back and forth around the crowd in front of her. She didn't understand why the reaction was so positive, and it was really pissing her off. After all that had happened already, Josie should have been booed out of the building. The dark haired woman then looked over at Melody and saw that her lower lip was quivering. Alexandra grabbed Melody's hand and squeezed it to show her support.
Alexander set the potato down on Melody's former seat behind her drum kit. "May I remind you this potato is a bi-gender autistic otherkin Native American spirit animal," Josie told the crowd. "It deserves your respect."
The Box was then flooded with the sound of a standing ovation. Several people whistled, and some concert goers shouted out, "We support you!"
"Now prepare your selves for the greatest drum solo in all of space and time," Josie said before she stepped back from the mic and stared at the potato behind the drums. There was total and complete silence. No sound emanated from the stage, and the crowd was completely quiet as they gazed up at the vegetable in an almost zombie like trance. This was very strange at first, but then it began dragging on for minutes.
"There's no music," Melody said. "That potato can't play the drums!" Several Tumblr users with multi-colored hair then turned back towards the cute blonde and hissed at her like snakes. "Sorry," Melody apologized.
Alexandra's rage just kept building as she continued squeezing Melody's hand in her palm. What were wrong with these idiots? Why weren't they booing total silence at a concert for a pop band? It made no sense.
Finally, after ten minutes had passed, Josie spoke into the mic again, "That now concludes the greatest drum solo in all of space and time." The crowd gave the potato another standing ovation even louder than before. The club was drowned out in the sound of clapping and cheers so loud that they could be heard down the street for blocks.
Finally, Valerie had enough. "I'm not going to be upstaged by a vegetable! I quit!"
Josie looked back at Valerie with a crazed look in her eyes. She then pulled out a tomato from some undisclosed location on her person and shoved it in Valerie's face. "I already have your replacement, Valerie!"
"The fuck I care! Go add a cucumber to the band next and go fuck yourself with it! I'm done!" She then grabbed her tambourines and stomped back behind the curtain towards the exit.
Alexandra then noticed two trails of tears running down Melody's round cheeks. "They like the potato more than me," she cried.
Alexandra was ridiculously angry at this point, but she had to stay strong for Melody's sake. She immediately took the weeping blonde into her arms and gave her a tight hug. "No they don't. These aren't your real fans. These are some idiots from Tumblr. I'm sorry I took you here. Let's go get your anchovy pineapple pizza. Then we can start planning for the future of your music career. I promise I'm going to make everything right."
"Okay," Melody sniffled from Alexandra's arms. "Thanks, Alexandra. I don't know what I'd do without you."
A few hours had passed. Alexandra and Melody we're now sitting together on the couch in one of the rooms in the Cabot mansion used for entertaining guests. They were joined by Valerie, who Alexandra had invited over via text message, sitting in an adjacent leather chair. Sebastian was sleeping in his own chair next to her in a fetal position.
Valerie was still more than a bit ticked off by everything that had transpired earlier that night. Melody was simply happy to see her friend Valerie again. They had been separated since Melody was kicked out of the band in Paris. Alexandra was unexpectedly calm despite being so enraged a few hours earlier.
"I invited you here, because I want to talk business," Alexandra explained to Valerie.
"What do you have in mind exactly?" Valerie asked her.
"As you know, and as I warned you about a million times, Josie has ruined Josie and the Pussycats. Now that she's fired Melody and you quit, Josie has complete control of the band and its intellectual property." Valerie and even the seemingly always chipper Melody frowned at hearing that fact.
Alexandra then went on, "However, that doesn't mean we have to give up. I want the three of us to join together and become Alexandra's Cool Time Cats, for real this time." Alexandra's Cool Time Cats was the name change for Josie and the Pussycats Alexandra had been trying to force on the band ever since its inception. "Alexandra's Cool Time Cats will compete directly with Josie's crappy vegetable band and run her right out of the industry!"
"I never thought I'd say this," Valerie remarked, "but you can call me a Cool Time Cat, because I'm in! Josie can go to hell."
"Ooh, ooh, do I get to be the drummer?" Melody asked, literally hopping up and down on the couch.
Alexandra smiled at her. "You sure do."
"Yay!" She then tackled Alexandra on the couch. Alexandra, blushing hard, fought her off a bit until Melody's huggle attack subsided. She didn't want to get too carried away with the physical affection with Valerie as an audience.
"As much as I'm excited to be playing in a band without that Josephine person, whatever her name is, we have one problem," Valerie explained.
"What's that?" Melody asked.
"Alexandra likes to pretend otherwise, but she can't play the guitar or any other musical instrument for that matter. We need more than drums and tambourines to perform."
"I'm going to ignore that insult." Alexandra frowned at her. "But don't worry about it. I sent a tweet to someone that can help us."
"Who is that?" Valerie asked. "A talent agent?"
"Much better. He did some big deals with daddy when I was a little girl."
"The head of a marketing firm? A record company executive?" she guessed again.
"Nope." Suddenly the three women heard a really loud noise coming from outside the window that kept getting louder. Sebastian was woken up by the noise and yawned from his chair. "That must be him now," Alexandra said. "Let's go meet him."
Alexandra led them down the long maze of corridors to one of the back exits of the very impressively large Cabot mansion. Immediately, the women's hair and clothing were blown back by a strong gust of wind emanating from the blades of a green military style helicopter that was landing on a helipad located behind the Cabot mansion.
"When did you install a helipad?" Valerie shouted at Alexandra.
"A few weeks ago!" she shouted back.
The helicopter then ended its landing, and a little while later, the wind stopped when the helicopter's blades ceased turning. Valerie noticed a familiar seal on the body of the chopper. She still couldn't believe what she suspected was happening.
A ramp then lowered down from the helicopter to the concrete helipad. The door opened, and out walked a stocky man in a three piece suit and red tie with a wave of flowing golden hair on top of his aging head. As soon as he saw the women gathered to meet him, he gave them a big thumbs up.
"President Trump?!" Valerie asked in utter disbelief.
"That funny guy from TV!" Melody exclaimed.
"Alexandra, I came as soon as I read your tweet," President Donald J. Trump shouted as he stepped down off of the exit ramp of Marine One, the presidential helicopter. "Don't worry. Alexandra's Cool Time Cats are going to be yuuuuge! Believe me!"
To Be Continued