A/N – Some science here, most of which is actually quite accurate, however void of some major details… Less Naomily interaction than I had planned but I hope you stay tuned for that part in the coming chapters!
And to the anonymous reviewer who posted a review of chapter 3 only minutes ago, asking for more – I thank you and I am happy to oblige!
Skins – not mine..
Chapter 4. Explanations
Naomi's POV
It was the best night's sleep I had had in weeks. After eating my dinner and explaining to Mum about the result of my renal score, I had closed my eyes and dreamt about Emily. When Mum woke me this morning, she commented on the smile on my face and I remember feeling more rested and more like my old self than I had in months. When a nurse came to help me take a shower, I sourly realized that nothing would ever actually be normal again and my mood fell dark once more. It's not that I couldn't shower on my own. I was weak and had an annoying morphine drip attached to my elbow joint, which needed to be taken out before showering, but I was still fit enough to stand on my own two feet for ten minutes. It was a safety precaution and there was that one time during chemo when I had fainted while showering at home, so it's not like I didn't understand the need for it. But I felt so empowered today, more alive than I had for the longest time and having some stranger, regardless of how nice she was about it, wash your hair and scrub your back with a sponge, felt humiliating. I insisted on it being a solo mission to put on the fresh set of hospital clothes and shuffled the nurse out of the bathroom.
"Fucking babying me, I have some dignity left…", I muttered as I pulled the shirt over my head.
"Naomi, Sweetie?" Mum called gently through the bathroom door. She was using that silky smooth tone which was an indicator of the presence of strangers. My heart leapt at the thought of Emily possibly being such a stranger and I hurriedly put on the rest of the clothes, pausing to briefly check my reflection in the mirror and regretting it instantly. My cheeks were sunken and pale, my eyes tired and surrounded by reddish eyelids. My hair was unruly and very short, having only started to grow back after the latest chemotherapy cycle and was sprouting out at different speeds it seemed. I sighed. Well, at least I smell nice today.
I opened the door and was met by Mum's beaming, tear-soaked face. Her hands were clasped in front of her mouth and I could see she was about to burst out in tears. I stepped out into the room and saw a familiar but surprising face standing by the bed, staring back at me.
"Cook!" I gasped and felt my knees buckle. He noticed too and rushed to my side, catching me in his arms as I fell to the floor. I lost my hold on the world and cried relentlessly as he held me tight and lifted me from the floor like a child. He held me for a while in his strong arms, before starting to cry himself and losing his grip on me. He gently put me down on the bed but never let go and we cried for a while like that. Mum was sniffling behind us and in the end couldn't contain herself and joined in on the embrace. I'm not sure why I cried or why I almost passed out at the sight of him. I had been worried sick since we hadn't been able to get hold of him for months and loving someone who is risking his life every day in a warzone pulls tricks on your mind. I had imagined him being shot, torn apart by a mine or blown to pieces by a grenade. Neither of it had happened, as I made sure to check his limbs for any plastic components while embracing him. We finally pulled apart and Mum handed us all handkerchiefs.
Cook was sitting on my bed and kept drying fresh tears from his cheeks. Somehow they kept coming every time he tried to open his mouth. I reached out and dried some of them off his cheek. "It's okay, it's okay", I repeated reassuringly, rubbing his rough cheek gently. He shook his head and grabbed both my hands, clutching them.
"It's not fair," he declared angrily, tightening his grip on my hands and clutching his jaw. "The world is fucked up, everything is fucked up!" He looked up at me, breaking my heart with an expression of total and utter despair. Tears started running down my face again. He pulled my hands up to his lips and placed hard kisses on them before pulling me in for another embrace and sobbing hard against my shoulder. Mum couldn't take it and almost ran out of the room, leaving me alone to deal with breaking my best friend's heart. We sat like that for a while, locked in an embrace, crying tears that had had three months to build up. Cook finally stopped crying and released me from his grip. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and got up from his sitting position on the bed. Standing there, in front of me, I was surprised to see he was in uniform. I hadn't noticed before due to the whole falling-down-crying-in-each-other's-arms-thing we had been busy doing.
"Where have you been, Cook?" I finally asked and looked accusingly at him, remembering how worried and hurt I had been at his radio silence.
His expression turned serious as he shook his head, sighing despairingly. "I really, really wish I could tell you, Blondie. But I wouldn't be very good at my job if I did." He walked to my nightstand, filled a glass of water and handed it to me before drinking one himself. Crying does leave you parched and I gulped down the water eagerly. He sat down on the bed again and took my hands. "What I can tell you is that I took leave as soon as I heard your first message. I was on a transport a few hours later and I came straight here." He nodded towards the door where I saw his large, green army duffle-bag lying on the floor. "See?", he smiled.
"But it's been three months, Cook. Three months I've been sick, three months where you should have been here, fucking holding my hand or whatever…", I started crying and lost my voice. I looked away and pulled my hands free. I knew it wasn't his fault but I had really needed him and he couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone.
"Naomikins", he pleaded, moving closer and grabbing hold of my hands again. I fought him but not wholeheartedly, not that there was much point in doing so anyway, him being a soldier and all. He held both of my hands firmly with just one of his, the other moving to my chin, tilting my head towards his. He looked me straight in the eye, his pain and guilt evident. "I will never, ever forgive myself", he whispered and I saw tears forming in his eyes again. I bit my lip and simply nodded at his confession. I wasn't angry with him, in fact I was thankful that he was safe and that he was finally here. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my forehead and another on my lips, lingering briefly.
Emily's POV
When I arrived at Naomi's room, the door was open and the room was lit. I stopped and took a few deep breaths and put on a professional smile that I prayed would stay put once she set her eyes on me. It didn't though, as I stepped through the door and saw a young man in a green, camouflage-looking uniform place a tender kiss on Naomi's lips. The moment was beautiful really and it was obviously very private and intense and I felt horrible for interrupting it. Or perhaps I just felt horrible seeing someone kissing Naomi and gazing lovingly at her, I'm not sure which. As the young soldier pulled away, he rested his forehead against hers and whispered something. She smiled, answering him and I felt like screaming. However noble my intentions had been for paying her a visit today, they vanished from my mind the minute I stepped through the door.
I had convinced myself on the way here that my infatuation with her was a mixture of empathy and admiration. There was nothing sexual about it and I was actually looking forward to going home and seeing Jeremy. I was going to apologize to him for being selfish and suggest we spend the evening in bed, because honestly, it had been a while. However, when Naomi noticed me standing in the doorway and quickly composed herself, smiling warmly at me, every thought of Jeremy and a bed faded from my mind.
The soldier got to his feet and took a step back from the bed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He regarded me curiously and glanced questioningly at Naomi, a small smirk forming on his face. Naomi rolled her eyes at him and nodded towards me.
"Cook, this is Emily, one of the people responsible for this trial I'm in." She turned to look at me, her entrancing eyes locking with mine, momentarily causing the room to spin. "Emily, this is Cook, soldier extraordinaire." She said the last part while waving her hand in the air dramatically.
I regained my composure and forced myself to put on a smile as I walked towards Cook who met me halfway, his hand outstretched. I felt animosity build up inside me as I recognized the appreciative look in Cook's eyes revealing that he found me attractive. His amazing girlfriend is fucking lying there, dying, and he has the audacity to check me out?! I gritted my teeth slightly as I let go of his hand. He turned and walked back towards Naomi's bed and sat down in the lounger.
"So", he said and clasped his hands together, "can somebody please explain this whole trial-thing then?" He looked expectantly at me and I felt slightly less annoyed with him. It was after all, a fair question but I was a little perplexed as to why he didn't already know about it. I noticed a green duffle-bag on the floor and gathered that he had been away and hadn't been in touch during the last week. Naomi smiled lovingly at him again and I literally felt bile rising in my throat. Jesus, Emily, stop it!
Once at an office party, one of Jeremy's coworkers had kissed him while they were dancing. I was standing by the bar and saw the whole thing. The woman was drunk and apparently fancied him and simply couldn't contain herself. I remember feeling hurt and embarrassed and Jeremy quickly ended the kiss and ran to me, apologizing. He had spent a lot of time after that making it up to me but he really didn't have to. I trusted him and wasn't jealous of the woman at all. I had understood what had happened wasn't Jeremy's fault and was only hurt momentarily. Now however, looking at this Cook-fellow I was boiling over with jealousy and every time Naomi smiled lovingly at him, it felt like a punch to the gut, leaving me winded each time. I forced another smile and pulled up a chair to sit on the opposite side of Naomi's bed. I cleared my throat.
"How well are you acquainted with the details of Naomi's disease or with NETs in general?", I asked arrogantly, regretting it immediately. I hated when doctors were patronizing and treated patients like inferior beings and the only reason I was acting this way was my irrational jealousy, making it even less appropriate. Cook looked questioningly at me and then at Naomi, who turned to regard me with an expression I hadn't seen before. The best way to describe it would be hostility.
I shook my head and held out my hands in apology. "That came out all wrong, sorry." I took a deep breath and relied on the scientist in me to take control of the situation and, therefore, of my jealousy. "You are aware that Naomi has pancreatic cancer and that in her case, it is a neuroendocrine cancer, yes?" Cook leaned forward in the lounger and shook his head. Jesus, he's thick!
"Well, now you know then", I said and tried my best to smile warmly at him. Naomi's hostile look disappeared and she shifted to find a more comfortable position in the bed. I noticed her grimace and realized she wasn't attached to the morphine pump at the moment. I reached out and pressed the button next to the bed, calling for a nurse before continuing. "NET stands for neuroendocrine tumor and it is a tricky cancer. Most of the time, the patients feel fine and symptoms don't occur until the disease is disseminated." They both regarded me with a curious look and I smiled. "I mean metastasized. The primary tumors usually grow very slowly and therefore don't show up in standard scans which look for fast-growing cells. And the endocrine function is typically unaffected, again resulting in a symptom-free disease." A nurse came in and greeted us and I pointed to the morphine pump. She quickly inserted a new catheter in Naomi's elbow joint and connected it to the machine before leaving us again. Cook and Naomi were looking at me expectantly and I continued.
"So when Naomi starting having stomach pain and was exhausted all the time, the disease had already spread to her lymph nodes and liver." It broke my heart to say it out loud, despite having gone through her medical history over and over again. Cook reached out and took Naomi's hand reassuringly and for the first time since seeing him, I didn't mind his presence. Horrified, I suddenly realized that I had just revealed confidential details regarding Naomi's medical history without first asking her approval. Naomi must have read my mind or noticed my horrified expression as I abruptly stopped my account.
"It's okay", she said and smiled, "he's family."
As reassuring as it was to hear that I hadn't just broken another of the primary ethical laws of medicine, it was also another punch to the gut to hear her describe Cook as 'family'. I swallowed my jealousy once again.
"Right." I leaned forward in my chair and tried to find the proper words to explain the next part without sounding cynical or apathetic. "Chemo didn't work for Naomi's tumors and in all honesty, even it if had; it would never have cured her, only allowed her more time and hopefully a better quality of life." I noticed Cook give Naomi's hand a little squeeze and once again felt grateful that someone was there to hold her hand. "What we want to do is deliver high doses of radioactivity to the tumors while at the same time treating them with a new, radiosensitizing drug." I was getting excited but I realized I had lost Cook, who had a concerned look on his face. I decided to simplify it a little.
"Basically, we want to make the cancer cells more susceptible to radiation and subsequently kill them using hy injecting high doses of radioactivity."
"I wore a dosimeter in Afghanistan", Cook commented, a concerned look on his face. "Radiation can kill you. How can you be sure you won't kill her in the process?"
I was gawking at him, having apparently misjudged him. I had taken him for an inconsiderate jarhead and instead he had proven to be very attentive towards Naomi and had immediately cut to the chase in regard to the problems of the trial. It was an intelligent question and it was in fact partly the reason why we were still only doing clinical trials instead of using this as a standardized treatment. Naomi noticed my shocked expression and was practically beaming with pride at Cook's seemingly awesome question.
I pulled myself together, collecting my jaw from the floor. "True", I nodded, "radiation can kill you. Which is why we are being very careful", I said reassuringly. "We are using radioimmuno-targeting to deliver the radiation but this has been done in several countries for years in regard to NETs, so there is nothing really new there", I explained. Naomi pulled her hand from Cook's and shifted in her bed to lie on her side, facing me. Her piercing eyes locked with mine and the room spun a few times before I was able to collect myself. I didn't break eye contact as I continued.
"It's the radiosensitizer that represents the novel element. If we succeed in delivering it to your tumors, the effect of the radiation should increase dramatically and double at best. Your tumors should shrink without causing damage to the rest of your body, meaning no real side effects." I finished my speech, my full focus set on Naomi and her mesmerizing gaze. I felt that uncanny pull again and unconsciously moved closer, leaning toward her. Her eyes expressed a mixture of excitement and fascination and I wondered at her ability to express such things merely using her eyes. They really were spectacular.
"Wow", Cook exclaimed from the other side of the bed, startling me since I had completely forgotten about him the minute Naomi's eyes locked onto mine.
"Yeah, wow." I nodded in happy agreement, unsure of whether I was talking about the clinical trial or Naomi's eyes.
COOK! I love Cook and Naomi's friendship and it will probably always feature in my Naomily fanfic's somehow... (reference; see "Uncovering the past" for more Cook/Naomi-interaction). But now onto more interaction of the Naomily-kind…
Let me know if the science killed the story or if you want more! 'Cause I've got plenty to give!