(And here we go, into the very first chapter of this no doubt terrible fic... lets just take this like a bitter pill and swallow it fast.)
Get reddy (Nope, i'd still prefer to be yellow.) guys becos heers chapter 1 of
THE MARRISSA GAMES
CHAPTERS (Well we're off to a flying start, eh?) ONE: THE BIG REEP (GEDDIT IT SONDS LICK 'THE BIG SLEEP' (And we've already kicked off the shitty references. Oh boooooy...) LOL)
If u dont no who I am, (Then your life is no doubt much better for it.) then u better reed ITS MY LIFE! first. (I love how she adresses this shit to her "fans" yet feels the need to indoctrinate new readers too.) Sum dum flamer trolls gotted it removed (And drag your new viewers into your internet drama.) but it kame bak an bit them on the buts (Don't you mean "boms" ?) becos its still on ther bad reivew sites! (I have no idea what that means. I'm guessing she means you can still read it on their sites?) So reed it there but dont listen to the HORRIBLE COMANTS. (Reject the truth, accept the fog, live in ignorance.) Affer the kill of Assirram all the plases in Portal Labs (APERTURE. APERFREAKINGTURE.) was good. (Yeah, I guess it's fine without GLaDOS' systems keeping everything in check and all.) Me an Wheatly an are dotter Chell Junor were livin in happy (In the cold, desolate laboratory with no feed and very few creature comforts, perfect atmosphere for raising a child.) a long with Atbod an P-Lass hoo were the good guy kids of the KERK ROBOTS (*sigh* I really hope this is the last we hear of these two in BLOCK CAPITALS.) ALTAS AN P-OBDY! (Also, since you introduced this in character biographies, this makes all this stuff really unnecersary.)
"Marrissa Chell bloody Junor is soddin Hungary (Hah, their child turned into a country.) an weer out of buggerin taters!" Wheatly britished (Ah, my ancient adjective enemy... we meet again.) into the room. Chell Junor was old enuff now to eat taters wich is good becos I didant lick beast feedin her (Fulfilling the duties of a biological mother is haaaaaaard.) becos my chests is already reel big an squishy (Yeah, we know. Apparently big enough to hold a personality core in them... seriously, freakishly huge tits.) so they was to much with milk. (What a lovely image.) Also sutimes wen Wheatlye wood hug me the milk wood come out an electroshok him! (That means she must have her tits out all the time... lovely mothering figure there.)
"We cant be owt of taters Wheatly (I refuse this, therefore it is not true!) thats are only foods." (Makes you wonder why you even STAY in the labs.) Portal labs had a ton of zombie taters (For no raisin.) (if u eat them an ded u will be zomboy spect for me (Since i'm a super special Mary Sue.) sins I have powers an one is if I eat them an dead I just go back to alive). "Cheek an see for urself, there all wankin goned!" (Oh Wheatley... your misuse of British words is so... non endearing.)
I wentd to cheek an wat I saw was Wheatly was rite! (These plot twists are so shocking and dramatic!) THE ATERS WAS GONE!12213/ "I bet those sods Atbode an P-las used um to make bloody grugs an beer!3 (...they used potatoes to make drugs and beer... beer I could take, but how do you make drugs out of potatoes?) I herd they got drugs an beer from Demoanman (Ok, how? I can understand the Demoman having booze, but not drugs. Not to mention, since when did the Demoman live in Portal labs? Or does Marissa just time travel whenever she wants these days?) an turned to bugger bloke jerks!555" (If they're jerks, why even call them good in the first place? Was that supposed to be a trick?) I o-mouthed (And the resurgence of that wonderful phrase...) at Wheatlys accuse, Atbod an P-las weer good guys I thot. Gess they hadant escaped the sins of the parants affer all. (Still can't quite understand how robots concieved...)
"We must go to surfase an live there form now on." (Wow... is that some actual common sense in place in this fanfic? That's rare!) I piked up Chell Junor who was cryin from hungry (I can only imagine how much Chell Junor will contribute to this fanfic.) an we wnet to the helevator. The vator started goin an I looked at Portal Labs for the lastest time an cried a littel but not to much sins Im not a goth emo! (So, crying instantly makes you a goth emo? That's pretty damn cruel.)
Outsyde was lots of wheet an the sun an bright noses. (Wow, actually fairly canon...) I walked round an used my super deteictve power to serch for clues on were we cold get food. (Wait, really? You need your detective skill to tell you where to go?) Jus tthen sum uguly guys (Marissa's so damn judgemental...) in wite colthes an guns runned up at us.
"WHAT ARE U DOIN HEER B***** YUR OPPOSED TO BE AT TOWN SQWARE FOR TEH REEPIN !" (Oh no, more guys who speak in block capitals.) An he punched me in the face! (Bam! I like these guys.) Wheatly got alls angary an I got soooooo mad I was gonna kill him good. (Wow, someone commits an act of violence toward you, and you decide to kill them. Marissa's a fucked up girl.)
"FLAMER RAGE!E" I said I didant no why (I imagine that's how she reacted to anyone who dared complain.) but then I got a new power (And we're off and running with pulling powers out of her ass, even quicker than the first fanfic did.) that mad the guy on fire. (So instant combustion via words. Pretty standard.) Me an Wheatly an Chell Junor all lolled as the dum jerk b***** bruned to death (Marrisa: Raising a family of sadists who find death funny. This is starting to sound like a bully's fantasy.) then he died. Onse we were done lolling at the him I inspeted the copse for why he was here. (Good luck with that, any details probably burned up when you combusted him.) Thre was a note (That somehow survived being set on fire.) that said "I am Piece Keeper for Critaks United (I really don't like these implications...) if fownd pleese retarn to the justace bildin in Distract 12". It was a strange. (Personally, i'd call it fucking stupid.)
"Wot the bloody wank is Distact 12 an the Reepin?" I nodded hed with a "I dunno" look on my fase (I really hope the "I dunno" look doesn't become standard... also, why not just use your detective vision to find out?) at Wheatlys q.
"Maybee we shuld go there an fin out, there cold be food an stuff!" So we goed up to a flyin bike car (Last I checked, Peacekeepers travel in hovercraft, not flying bike cars... which makes no sense.) that was there, it musta belonged to the piesekeeper. I got in an buckled op (AN: ALWAYS DO OR YULL END UP LIEK KATTY SMITHEREENS!342!) (Uh... is that a joke? I genuinely can't tell...)
The hoovercraft (Oh, so then she uses the term anyway. So why even bother using that description?) was flewing sooooooo fast that we was goin like turbo speed. (In no particular direction whatsoever...)
'OMG THS IS 2 FAST!" (2fast4u) an Wheatly got skick an barfed robot stuff. (Robots don't have stomachs to be sick from...) Chelll Junor lolled at her funny dad an I thot bout how luckey I was to hab such a grate family. (I'm so lucky to have a narcissitic family who laugh at other people's pain and find illness hillarious.) A lowdown ton came up in the sites, it had bilidins an a mewdaoo an a biggly fense round it that went alls the way to Portal Labs an at the city center (District 12 is much more like a slum village, not nearly a city.) was a huge big screen plasma sayin "The Huger Games" ont it.
I grabed Wheatly an Chell Junor an jumped of the hovvercrapt (Marissa's a good mom, endangering her family in needless stunts.) an did a doble summer-salt (Summer Salt: When regular salt just doesn't feel appropriate.) an landed in a crowded. (...what? In a crowded what? Come on, fill us in!) The hoover crashed inot a girls hose (Why did a girl have a hose?) an made it on fire.
"OMG MY HOSUE!" (Oh... of course.) The girl dum-faced. (Dum faced? Is the author calling her stupiid because she lost her house?) Sum guys lolled at her (Nice to see this world is full of assholes) an one that was a hot guy (but I dont lick him that way my hart is for WHALETY!3321~!) (We GET IT. You don't need to tell us every ten seconds!) said "Dont wurry Katnise yull proally get reeped any way." (Oh... so that's Katniss. And the author is treating her with no respect at all... *sigh* This is gonna be a loooong fic.)
Reeped, Knatniss, Critiks Uni? (Oh my.) I needed the down lo fast. (You're not black, stop using that term.) This was too confussin. (Tell that to your readers.) Befour I cold ask sombody a big wite guy gotted on the stage eh had a meen fase (Wow, the author didn't mispel face as "feces" for once... maybe theres hope?) and blood was comin ot of his. (...his what? Author, stop trailing off! Do you just fall asleep in the middle of sentences?!)
"Hey everyboddy! Yur liter Piesedent SNow!" (...yeah, no. I don't think President Snow would actively leave the Capitol to visit the districts, that's far too risky.) Sum cheered bu other boooooooooooooo at him so armore guys killed them with guns an noone cared becos they was temptin fate. (Well that was completely pointless.)
"As u no, today we gonna Reep a gurl an guy to be in are Hunger Games! (Well at least she got THAT detail right... where's Effie Trinket?) For the girl…" It pot out a peace of name paper an said "ITS PRIMOSE EVERGREEN!" (Zomg.)
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO SHES ONLY 120 YEERS OLD (No, Prim is about 100 years younger than that. Get your facts straight.) I GO INSTED!" Sumon yelled (Well who's this Sumon? He was never introduced yet...) an ran to Peisent Snow it was…. THE DUM GIRL! (She has a NAME.)
"No Katiss Evergreen u cant becos yur fecal inconinentense is bad." (I still have no idea what that is.) Present Snow said with loud.
"No I can do!" Katniss operated to him (Operated? Terrible word to use here.) but then…. her pants gotted all full of poop an it was spillin owt an it was soooooooooo gross. (...ugh. Fucking great, author. You're going to treat us to this a lot more over the next few chapters, aren't you? You disgusting sack of shit.) Sum big guys threw Katiss in a garbag can (Oh well that's just great.) so all the yucky poo woodant get on them any more.
"U cant taked Pim!" She sayd from the can but it was fulla direrhea now so she locked like Oksar the Gruch but with poo instod of garbag. (Please... just move on. You've confirmed you have a scat fetish to the world now, so stop sharing it with us.) We all lolled (You're disgusting people.) an funny Catnise Evergreen. A littel girl that was very coot (but not as coot as Chell Junor or me wen I wass her aged) (Oh good, Marissa feels the need to upstage a 12 year old, too.) went to stage.
"I now the guy dude. Step on up… PEETA PEETA SANDWICH EATA! ! !" (Ok, the ket is on the other side of the keyboard as the ! key, you have no excuse for that one.) The hot guy from erlair wents up an got a lovey look on his feces (...I was wrong, there's no hope.) at sumone but I wasant sure who. (Probably at you because you're soooooo beautiful, but you love Wheatley so it don't matter.)
The reepin was overed so everyun was bout to leeve when Piesedent Snow yelled like a dinosore. "WATE! This yeer there ill be 3 tributtes." (Honestly, this isn't too realistic. The Capitol wouldn't be above changing the rules for an arbitrary reason, but they'd make it LOOK more official.) Everone o-mouthed (EFF.) who wud be the next one. Then snow ponted at me.
"MARRISSA ROBERTS U MUST GAME!" (Well, that just shocks me.)
TO BE CONTINUED!
OH NO MARRISSA IS A HUNGAR GAMER (LOL BECOS SHES HUNGARY FROM NO TATERS). (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOT FUNNY.) WHAT ILL HAPPENED TO WHEATLY AN CHELL JUNOR? (Hopefully they will make no further appearences in this fic.) AN WHO IS PIESENT SNOW AN CRITIKS UNTIED? (You TOLD US WHO THEY WERE IN THE CHARACTER BIOS.) FIND OT N EXT TIME! (Or more like, a few chapters from now.)
(Boy oh boy... even the first chapter of the last one didn't make me feel THIS uncomfortable. I get the feeling our author's shit fetish is going to crop up more often in this fic... keep barf bags handy, folks.)