(So, great, we get a whole chapter dedicated to bastardization of K and J. Aren't we lucky boys and girls? I swear this fic is going to actually drive me insane one of these days...)
ITS (Sadly.) TYME FOR ANO ADDISHUN OF
THE MARRISSA GAMES
CHAPTER FIVE: J AN KS WUBULOS (Wubulous? I'm not even gonna ask...) ADVENTURE
J an K gotted in Presdant Licans spesal president time mashine (President time machine... yeah, of course! Why not?!) to go buck in time to TEEN FORTRESS 2. (Is she implying her fanfic is a major point in time?) "Im scare J, we never backed in past befour." K cried lick baby. (And immediatly, K is wrong. K is the SENIOR AGENT, he's not scared of anything and keeps a straight face.) "Dont worry I did in Men in Back 3 so Ill show u the ropes." They time mashined (...Time Mashined ...I can feel my sanity slipping...) into the tim streem were thins was all wavy an slow mo. (You know, you could at least copy how they time jumped in the movie...) "WATS GOIN OWN?!1/1" Scared K. (NO! K is badass, not scared!)
"W3e are in teh time streem, wach out theres are stop!" (So, is the time stream like a train station or something?) Both jomped out an landed at Portal High School. Next J an K put on sort shorts (...why?) that was sooo tiny they was almos like panteys (No short shorts in the world are that small.) an crop tops an thongs an flipe flops but kept tere glazes. Now they locked like reglar tennagers (This author sounds like a marketing department trying to find a hip demographic.) and cold be undercober loachasun Teen Fortress 2. (Really, shouldn't they go in as teachers instead of students? They're way too old to appear as teenagers.) K started to go into school but eh herd.
"SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!" J sung an dance an shake butt all jiggly wiggly. (...for fucks sake.)"J stop foolin round we need to find Teen Fortress 3." K deadpanned (Yeah, good luck trying to make us believe K is in character after that bullcrap at the start.) so J stoped but frown. "U never let me haf any fun =(" (...eheh...emoticon in sentence...eheheh...) K taked a boom out of his thing an throo it at door to explode it up. (A boom? You mean a grenade?) "ZOOM ZAM BIM BAM BOOOOM!121" The door said (...the door is talking... yes, of course...)an exploted then J an K raned in. (Yes, blowing up the door will most certainly allow you to sneak in undetected.)
A mussely guy an a other guy walk upt at them. "OMG are u new studants?" (So blowing up the door is normal to them... I'M GOING TO DIE.) Cave Jonson (the GOOD ONE HO USED TO BE GABE) (Oh boy, here I hoped we'd never see them again...) said an wave. The other guy was Tatman. (LEAVE RATTMANN ALONE ;-; ) "Yah we are lookin for Teen Fortress 2 (I guess they really do just go by one name...) we want to be there new frends." J gangsta voiced (*Facepalm* You're making a cool character look like an absoloute moron...) tryin a be cool an hip to imprise Gave.
"LOL they are graduated an dont heer any more there in collage (And yet you're still in high school... sense?) lernin to be fiters (Try mercenaries.) for Redman an Bluman (They didn't become mercenaries just to fight for Redman and Blutarch!) now that there TEAM FORTRESS 2." (And the team isn't reffered to as that either... uuurRrGGgHhhH...) Ratman said to them. "We dont no were they went but a guy dose. Hes a new studan name Gale Thunderpants." (You still could've looked up his last name you blithering idiot.) J an K nodded, then take pens with glowies on them to FLASH so Gabe an Ratman didant rember what happened. (Well at least that's sort of canon... )
K roundhose kicked a door down so the went in there. (K's pretty old, I don't see him doing roundhouse kicks...) Mr. Pursell was teechin the class bout The Histiry (The History? Which history?) but stoped wen he saw J an K. "OMFG I tole Principal Bisness Man there cannot new studans!11!z" (I wouldn't worry about them being new students, i'd worry about them KICKING YOUR BLOODY DOOR DOWN.) He was relay mad an crazy like a tigar or wale. (...crazy tiger or whale... well, I don'T sEe AnY proBLemS HeRE ehEheEHEehHEH.) "Ots okay sir we just need to speek to Gale Thunderpunts." J put is the are for peece sine. (He could've just knocked on the door and asked for him...) "Im sorry but he bissy. Im trying to teech the histry (The very unspecific History of King Whatshisface.) so leeve now!" Mr. Purcell had jus been diagnosed with kancer an alheemzrs (Just throw in those serious themes like they can be used as jokes... no ProBlEMs HeeeEEeRRe) an lots of gall an kidney stallones so he was relay madangry (MoRE reAL wOrDS eeEeHeeHeEhEE.) at sosiety. K sat his head down lick sad then look up.
"Im sorry Mr. Pursell but I have no choose." K did a awsum pose lick an a amine or sumthin. (K could just erase his memory... just throwing that out there...) Cool musik started to play (Where from? And why?!) an….. HE MATRIXED MER. PURSELLL!~! "He wuill be ok in a few ares." K flashed the studans (Ew.) wile J serched them for Gale. (Who may have also been Gale. Also none of the students try to run or do anything...that's FiNe.)
"HE ISE IN THE BATH ROOM HES BEEN THERE A LONG TIME U THINK HES HAS A CONTSIPATE!1!~~!" (Well that's normal. I'd do that all the time to get out of class.) J nod an snaped the guys neck. (YeeEEEssS he HaD tO dIE... I think there's something wrong with me.) Onse K was done flashin they went to nathroom. "Get reddy this cold be a trap." (That would imply Gale knew they were coming. And I don't think he does.) K nocked on da door but nothin happened so openeded it.
"ARERRRRRGIGUGUGUGUGUGUGHHH!" It was…. a SOOPER MUTANT FROM FALLOWT!2 (More crossover shit... eeEExXcELleeEEeNt!) It wasall mussely with lots plimples that were skwirtin pos all over the plase (I think i'm finally snapping...) an makin it gross to be in there.
"OH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL NO!" (Not racist at all.) J grumped he tire of fitin these. (He's only fought one...) The Sooper Mutant angered (More made up verbs!) at J an pickd up a toylet to throw at him. (Just ripped the thing off of its pipes... yeSS oK.) But K shot toylet out of his arms with a gun. (Why? K wouldn't deliberately hinder his partner.) Mumtant was soooo mad that he shot pos at Ks (Ugh... god, the Supermutants did more than shoot fucking pus at people.) an the puss got all in his is to blind him but glasses hit first so he ok. (Well I guess that works out fine...)
J jamped into the are an threw shorrikens (No guns? Seriously, why would J not have a gun on him and have to use shurikens? They're not ninjas.) inot the mutans face to rupture hes brane an guts. (Face = Guts. YeP noTHiNg WroNG hERE!) K got behind an reeched up the soopers spesal place (...hand up the ass of a super mutant ...classy.) an pulled its intetines out (You'd have to reach in AWFUL FAR to pull of such a stupid move like that.) then strungled him with them. Thems the monster died from no are breathin. "Good fitin K!" J hi fived to K. (Good thinking to go and do that instead of just using a gun! GoOd fOR yOu!)
Now tat the beest was died a guy came from the toylet. (From the toilet? What was he hiding in the U-bend all this time?) "Thanks for killin him Im Gale Thunderpants." (I still hate that surname.) He said wavin. He looked round to maek shore none was listenin. "Spect my reel name is Ron Weesley (Because that still makes sense.) Im from British (BRITAIN. BRITAIN.) serchin for my frend Harry. Hes got amneesha an got plastik surgery so he looks diffrant (Plastic surgery? I think getting turned into a fucking robot ball and losing about 95% of your body is more than plastic surgery.) an is named WHeatly haf u seen him?"
"No Sorray we are only lookin for Teanm Fortress 2 (Yeah, guess it was kinda stupid to just ask someone I don't know.) an a mussely guy sad u new were they was at collage." (Let's talk about how YOU can help ME.) K went. Gale thot for a min (he was gettin kinna un comfterable at there sexay bodis (What? Why would you even ADD a note like?!) becos he had to stay troo to his REEL LIFE LOVE Hermoany).
"They are at Half Life Collage (LOL GET IT BECOS ITS PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL SO COLLAGE IS HALF LILFE LOL)." (HAHAHAHAH oh auThOr, yOUr HUmOUr kEePS tHIS fiC InTeREsTIiiiing... oh god, someone help me.) Gale say at laste. "Thanks dood!" J. (J what? At least your made up verbs ended a sentance, you can't just leave it hanging!) So they leaved but had to stole a car sins the time mashine didant bring one with them. (I don't think you really need to explain that.) "HEY MY KAR!2" It was….. Ringmaister! (Oh boy, now we get to troll bashing...) He an the flamer trollz had gotted a ressurekshun (Well there's been ressurections before, so I wouldn't put it past this crap.) becos there kill had been for dark majik so wen Wulf defractled the boom happened to magic streems and they made the alive agane. (I can't even begin to define that sentance so i'm just going to do a cat impression. Meow.) "ILL GET U FOR THIS AGJUNTS J AN K!1 ! !33" But they was already drivin off. (Makes it seem kinda pointless then, huh?)
"K were is Halflife Collage School?" J aksed wile reedin a funny book. (What even is this funny book? I imagine this author's sense of humour probably means its "Fifty shades of grey" ) "I donut (NO!) no we will half (lol) (EeEHeHeehEhHeee... MaRISsa iS fUNnyyYyYY.) to drive fast to fin out." They flowed the street sines with care (Street signs? Well, that's somewhat compotent.) an smartly wile stoppin for school busses so they woodant crash or end up lick Katty Smithereens. (I'm gonna guess that's someone we should know.)
The Half Life came up fast an low with a hair girl (A girl made of hair? How odd.) wavin for help. Sheee was playin a game slav. (Game slav?) "Help my boifrend Demopan (...ok, that CANNOT be a typo.) is danger!" Demonan? He was a TREEN FORTRESS 2 this a big cloo (No shit sherlock.) so J an K pulled ovary. "A badman name Alexander (What a ferocious name.) taked offer the collage an is killin ebery 1. Teen Fortress 2 (I thought they weren't called Teen Fortress 2 anymore...) is fitin fast an hard but Alecander used a orbs to make monsters cume an help him." (Orbs? Just orbs? Weird...) J an K braved an ran into collage to kill Aleander.
Insid the collage the walls was all covered in meet (Meat? Just... meat? Are we in the meat circus suddenly?) an the way wass blocked. "NO! MEET IS OPPOSED TO BE INSIDE NOT WALLS!~! !2" (Inside not walls... tHIs fIC mAKeS sO mUcH sENSe.) K was RELAY MAD becos he was biolojy mager. (...weLL oF cOUrSe hE iS...) "Well haf to eet to get throo." J said as a smartly so they ated all the meet (DeLIghTUL!) but it wasant cooked so they got intetinal parasites like tapworms. (MorE chARminG imAGerYyYYyY... o-oh god, this fic is doing something to my mind...)
It good think they didant have amneesha becos on othar side it wass a dark desent (LOL I BEEN WAITIN THE HOLE STORYA TO USE THAT P1UN)! (Was it worth it? Waiting an entire fanfic just to make one lame video game reference? Get some perspective author.) K got owt flaslite to lite up the room an saw the bad. (Just, the bad? Seriously?)
A ton of grunts an broots an the water thing u cant see was there. (Oh, so we're just literally adding in Amnesia characters... and how would you be able to see the water thing, when you can't even see it?!) "I am gottin to old for this!" Joked K with funny. (HAHAHAHA STOP BASTARDIZING K.) J didant have time for silly becos he was itchin for a kill. (J's not a murderer... seriously.) "ITS AKSHUN TIME!1" He did doble summer salt (This author's attempt to make this fic actiony are downright cartoonish and silly.) front flip to land in teh monsters an started shottin there faces of with his magum pistols (So he had those the whole time, but he didn't use them on the Super Mutant? BriLLiAnCE.) (accept the broots, becos they didant haf faces). K taked out a cannon (Right out of nowhere.) an fired to kill lots at onse.
They had kill lots gbut more were comin from other places (Other places i'm too lazy to specify.) an the wall meet was gettin in there bisness but… a huge fat crushed throo the wall lick the Koolaid Man but wasnt Koolaid Man (Shame, I was starting to expect him.) it was…. HEABY! "OH YEAH!1" Heavy funnied an J an K lolled. (Stop laughing when you've got work to do!) Witth his gun Sasa they moed down all the grunts an broots an water thins (You can't kill the water thing, come on!) all qwick an done. "Weres the rest of Teen Fortress 2?" K deadpanned. (Stop making up verbs!)
"There are bein prisnor by Alezander we must safe them!" (Ah yes, Alexander was killing everyone, but at the last second decided not to kill them, because... I dunno.) Heavy russianed an ran to the final boss room. (Final boss room... oh come on, this isn't Scott Pilgrim.) A guy name Daniel was hidin in a shadow to kill Alexener 2 but he toooo scared so J shot him in hed. (WhaT a DEliGHtfUL sIDe dETAil!1 it wAS jusT sO NecErsAryyAAAAGGGH! No, come on... you're stronger than this...)
J K an Heavy fot losta bosses (Even though it was the final boss room...) an killed Grunts Broots an wter things (None of those are bosses.) an finlay got to Principal Gordon Freemans offace (I thought he died... or rather, you killed him. Fucking Author.) but he wasant there becos Alexender taked over and made him leeve. (Wow. So Alexander is supposedly killing everyone, yet he just captures the Team, and just kicks Gordon Freeman out? Weaksauce.) Heavy slummed the door down with Sasa an they ranned to see…. ANLEXANDER WAS BLU AN NAKED!1! (...oh, this is the literal Alexander from Amnesia... completley misreading a villain here. When's Agrippa gonna show up too?)
"HELPP!12!" Cry the otter Teen Fortress 2 all tyed up ready for a sakrifase an a Grunt was rapin Spy (Uuurrrrggh... sickening imagery...) as poetic justace for the time he tried to adultary wif Carolime. (It's not really poetic justice... then again, Spy's no doubt been bastardized by this fic so lets just move on.) "KILL MEEE! !" He frenched but noone cared. (Spy's still a legit part of the team, and pretty good at his job.)
Heavy ranned to untie tEEN Fortress 2 by shottin there ropes with Sasa (I think he'd kill them too... then again, no friendly fire in TF2, so eh.) wile J an K fited with Alexanderp. "ENUFF I WILL KILL U NOW!11~!" But J noiced Alexandas naked (Even though the narration pointed it out first... maKEs SenSE.) so he put the magum pistol in his man balls an pulled trigger…
"KAAAAABOOMBOBMO WAMAJAM JAM!" Screemed Alecksander (YeS... pEOPle AlwAYS scREAM exPLosIonS wHEn tHEY dIE.) as his balls was got shot but the bullet went up to keep goin an killed his heart. Then he died. (HEhe...thAT waSN't OveRLy gORey or DiSGusTiIiiIiIno! I'm better than this! Must fight back!)
"Thanks guys we cudant have one it without u." The Scot said to J an K. "DEMMY!" Gaz (So, she's Gaz? Why not just tell us that earlier?) screemed lower than even Alexander (EVERYONE screams in this fic... uurrgh my head...) an runned to Demoman an started makin out with him. (No more... please...)
K stood up to full mast an brave speeched them. (No more made up verbs! Stop the torture!) "Listans ever one. Marrissa Roberts is in dangerous from the most evel flamerzz ever. (...Eragh! I give up! I can't take this anymore! I can't fight the madness... so I must let it rule me!)We need sum strong dudes to safe her are you in?" An effery 1 said YAAAAAAY relay lowd. (...i'M hAPPy tOo... I fEel mUcH beTTeR nOW... I reALLy dO!) "THEN LETS GO SAFE MARRISSA!1!" Scowt said an all Teen Fortress 2 got weapons an bonk kola an medikals (WhICh oF cOURse wERe jUsT lYiNG aRoUNd!) an went wif K an J ot the time mashine to the future. (AT laST!11 I aM sO gLAd tHIs wAs FiLLed iN! IT maDE tHIS fiC So mUch BetteR!)
TO BE CONTINUED!
I THINK THISS IS THE BEST CHAPTA I EFFER DID. (I aGReEeeE!) I HOPE YALL LICKED IT GOOD (Oh I dIIiIiiiD!) NEXT CHAP WE GO BACK TO MARRISSA AN THINS HEET UP! (yaAAaAaY!)
(HeEeEHeEEHEeeEeeEE... I thINk I'm fInalLy iN tHE rIGhT MinDSeT FoR THis FaNFiCtIon!111 It'S BriLLiaNT!~~ A MaStERpIEce! 1 1ONE JoIN mE foR MoRE RapTURe FrIeNds! HEeHeehEEE!: 1[''1[1'[1[;1)